Monday, January 31, 2005


Saw my sister on Sunday. She's a size 6 and complaining how she wants to be a 4. Grrr. That chick doesn't have an ounce of fat on her and the only time she lost was 20 pounds after gaining that much after a year in France. It's like she views my weight loss as nothing just because she's never struggled with her weight (and likely never will). She's got these teeny bones and seems to forget that if I were just a skeleton I wouldn't be able to get into size 6 jeans - my hips alone are too big. And then she has the nerve to complain when *I'm* the one wearing size 12s! On top of all that, even though we are the same height, she has longer legs and so looks taller and sexier. She wanted to be a model once and did do a few minor gigs. THAT'S how skinny she is.

My new year's resolutions are coming along just fine. I tend to fall behind in my Bible reading on Fridays and/or Saturdays. Then I have to put my nose to the grindstone to catch up. I read 8 chapters today and managed to catch up from last Friday. The readings from the prophets are the longest - 6 chapters in a day isn't easy. The Gospels and epistles and the easiest - only 2-3 chapters those days. I'm a little ahead, but that's good.

Didn't track my food Saturday or Sunday. I still managed to come out to 163 today, so at least I didn't gain.

Friday I went way over on calories because I was starving for no apparent reason, but oh well. Those days happen.

Saturday at church I stuck with just the soup and the salad. The chicken was covered in some sort of sugary BBQ sauce or something, so I didn't have any. One serving of salad and two bowls of soup. I picked out the sweet potatoes and gave them to Jane.

For breakfast Sunday I had the CarbWell cereal. I had a PB&J sandwich on low carb bread (and sugarless PB and low glycemic jelly) for a snack, and for lunch at Pebble Beach I got the 1/2 pound cheeseburger (no bun), with the side salad and a diet Coke. I had one bite of my friend's fried fish (she gave me a piece with no breading), and one french fry so I wouldn't feel completely denied and could have that taste. I did put regular ketchup on my burger, but I figured that that little amount wouldn't kill me. She ribs me so much because I'm a burger type of gal. Anytime we go out to eat, that's all I want is a cheeseburger. I never get anything exotic like fish or chicken or anything. My sister gave me a box of sugar-free chocolate truffles. It was the perfect gift. About 1 carb per truffle.

I pretty much stayed on my diet. When I got home last night Eleanor and I watched Biography's presentation on Atkins. She had a bag of popcorn for dinner that she brought with her. I ate two pieces of beef roast with low carb steak sauce and some brussel sprouts with margarine. I had a little of the popcorn, but she'd eaten most of it by that time. We both had a glass of wine.


Haven't tried my size 10s on yet. I'm sure I can squeeze into them, but my 12s fit perfect - not too tight when I sit and not too loose when I stand.

Gosh - all my adult life I have been a 14 (before I started gaining weight from the meds). To be a perfect! I've never been this small.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

My trigger points - Just venting, take 11

After all of what happened last week, guess what today's Bible reading included?

Sodom and Gomorrah.

The irony, oh the irony.

Monday, January 24, 2005


I finally decided that maybe I'm having trouble losing because I have no motivation. My shirts fit again, and the smallest jeans I have (size 12s) fit perfectly. So I had to run into San Francisco today and I had a $400 check in hand from my Dad. I decided to do some shopping. First I bought a mini iPod. I looked at all the options the mini just had more nice features (like a screen) that the new iPod Shuffle doesn't have. (The Shuffle is the newest and smallest [and cheapest] iPod on the market.) Anyway, so I have a new pink iPod for the gym, and also bought the armband.

Then I passed Old Navy and decided to drop in for a pair of size 10 jeans to encourage me to lose. Old Navy had an advertisment for all "plus" sized (16-24). I guess they are trying to reach out more to that crowd.

I also bought a Old Navy bag with a dog on it for my sister, and some socks for myself.

Major spending day, and insane. I had so much to do at the bank, beyond depositing Dad's check. Man, I was productive today!

My trigger points - Just venting, take 10

I feel lower than low for having to write that stupid letter. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I'm so angry at N., the people who reported me, and God. Especially God for making me write that letter. It's one of the most odious things I have ever had to do. And it's not the first time. It's so d*mn unfair and He doesn't even care. I don't even argue anymore because I already know what He'll say if I try.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

My trigger points - Just venting, take 9

I'm going to go sulk for a while now. I may need Him, but right now I'm not too happy with Him.

My trigger points - Just venting, take 8

This is the entirety of my letter. Thanks for your suggestions. I hope it was soft enough. I always pray before writing these letters because without God's guidance, it won't be what He wants it to be.

[apology letter deleted]

God's also making me edit my blog because I posted the letters in anger last night. I knew He'd say it. When will I learn? I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I have a feeling I will keep making Him look bad and writing these horrid apology letters until I "get" whatever I'm supposed to learn. If I only knew what it was...

My trigger points - Just venting, take 7

I have no wish to work under a woman like this who throws labels around to harm people for the sheer fact that labeling takes all blame off of her and she can move on guilt free. I sometimes hate being a Christian and wish I could get away with that.

Still, some sort of apology is called for, even though I have NO desire to go back. I wasted two years of my life at EW, and much more at the Depression forum. Why waste more of my precious time?

God spoke to my heart today and I now know the next couple of steps to take. He never shows the whole path, but all we have to do is ask for light and we are given enough for the next step. I wrote a devotional on this for a contest a while back. It never saw print, but my main point was God giving us just enough light for the next step, and the next, and the next. Never more than 1 or 2 steps at a time, to keep us trusting in Him.

Anyway, I'm off to begin that first step.

My trigger points - Just venting, take 6

[Later edit: After reading the e-mail N. posted to the private mod group (forwarded to me by another mod who was a friend) I wrote this:]

Pastor Harrell was so right, we live in a fallen world where no aspect of our lives is not touched by that fallenness. Everything is fallen, and therefore pain and hurt perpetrated by fellow humans, exists.

My trigger points - Just venting, take 5

I wrote:
It's funny - right after one of N's e-mail's to me was an e-mail from a Pagan friend entiled "In the Day of Trouble"

Ok, God's trying to tell me something. I decided to get serious with God again...I really have no choice anyway with the hell this past weekend has been. Friday and Saturday sucked exceptionally.

Anyway, at City Church I sit near the front and am therefore one of the first people to get communion. I take the cracker and wine back to my seat and sit there thinking (and often praying) while everyone else goes forward. That short little quiet time with God is often rewarding.

Today I just basically thought of everything that happened in the past week, and the last two months, telling Him I wanted to come back, for Him to please accept me back, that I was so sorry for all the things I've done lately. I was on the verge of tears as I prayed this holding the bread and wine in my hands. Why? Because He does accept me, and tells me so by inviting me to the table.

So anyway, church finishes and I head to work, and I check my e-mail and there's another e-mail from the same Pagan friend. This one is entitled "Prayer of Confession and Restoration." It's like he's following me around, knowing just what I need. Perhaps he's reading my blog and that's how he knows, though the first e-mail was sent before this weekend, and the last time I updated my blog was late December, just before New Year's.

Yes God, I want to come back, back home where I belong, to be forgiven and restored, to start over once again. I have been the stupid prodigal daughter thinking that she could ignore you and make it on her own. But it's so empty without You. Only You can fill the hole in my soul, for You created it to fit only You. Let's start again, Daddy. I need You.

My trigger points - Just venting, take 4

Bit hung over this morning, but otherwise okay. Woke up at 7, couldn't get back to sleep, and had to be up at 7:30 anyway, so I just went ahead and crawled out of bed, made coffee, and fed the cats. I just drank a bit too much. When things get rough I sometimes slip back into old patterns rather than run to God like I should. Bleh.

Off to City Church this morning. I was planning on going anyway, but now I really need it.

It's funny - right after one of N's e-mails to me was an e-mail from a Pagan friend entiled "In the Day of Trouble":

In the Day of Trouble

The Lord hear thee in the day of trouble; the name of the God of Jacob defend thee; Send thee help from the sanctuary, and strengthen thee out of Zion...

We will rejoice in thy salvation, and in the name of our God we will set up our banners: the Lord fulfill all thy petitions. Now know I that the Lord saveth his anointed; he will hear him from his holy heaven with the saving strength of his right hand.

- Psalms 20: 1-2; 5-6


That was the entire text of the e-mail, just a few Bible verses.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

My trigger points - Just venting, take 3

And the saga continues. I guess I should expect this kind of treatment from unbelievers.

[Later note: After being booted as a mod for being "homophobic," this was my reply to that person. Names have been removed to protect privacy and initials are used instead.]

See, that's just what I mean. My personal belief about the unhealthiness of someone's lifestyle is automatically condemned as "homophobia." What does that mean? That I am afraid of CB? I'm sorry that you cannot separate a person from what they do. I didn't save CB's life on Christmas Eve because I hate him; I don't hate him. I didn't sent him a card because I hate him (he didn't tell you about that, did he?); I don't send cards to people I hate. I simply have better things to do with my time. N. didn't apologize to me because she felt I was homophobic, because she knows I'm not. L. doesn't feel I'm "homophobic" (whatever that means), even though our beliefs on many things are diametrically opposite.

I wanted to talk about this, but it seems you have already labeled me. And once someone is labeled, there is no way to defend oneself. (Am I right?) I would like to see the log of the chat. I'm going off memory here and I would like to refresh my memory of what CB is getting upset over. I also find it fascinating that regular chatters can't be kicked without massive proof and input from everybody, but you will dismiss a mod over anything.

CB does what no one else does. He defines his entire person by his sexual orientation. If someone were to do the same to me about my sexual orientation, I'd laugh them off because I am so much more than that. My identity is not grounded in whether I like men or women. And THAT is why N. could see the truth, and apologized to me - she is so much more than her sexuality.

Now excuse me, but I have a funeral to go to, and I'm going to be late.


That's what upsets me the most is being labled "homophobic" for believing that lifestyle is wrong. It's such an offhand way to dismiss somebody and not have to listen to anything else they say. I'm sure the man who started all this, CB, is dancing with glee right now. I save his life and send him a card to encouarge him, and this is how he repays me. God, but the world is screwed up.

Friday, January 21, 2005

My trigger points - Just venting, take 2

[After a series of e-mails with the Depression forum owner, which I will not post here, I wrote this:]

Time to get serious with God again and ask Him if it's time to step down. But God, so far this year is shaping up as bad as last. I wish I were dead. I hate life.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

My trigger points - Just venting

As many of you know, I've been a mod at the Depression forum for God only knows how long now. Sometimes I pop into the chat room and participate there. If a topic becomes a trigger for someone, they will often ask that the topic be changed, and/or they will leave the room. And that's fine with everybody - we all have those things that will set us off. Unless it's an un-PC view. Then it's not okay.

Monday night (and again on Wednesday) the topic of homosexuality came up. We have two chatters, one male and one female, who are gay and are going through breakups with their partners right now. Same sex relationships are a trigger for me, so I basically said I couldn't handle the topic, and I left the room.

At least one of the people took my action (leaving the room) as a personal affront to his sexual orientation, and tattled on me. Nancy (the site guide) e-mailed me and asked for my side. I told her there should be a log of the entire chat, and she should check that to see who is telling the truth. *sigh*

Wednesday the gay guy was baiting me; one mod even PMed me and asked me why he was baiting me. He was sarcastic and seemed to think that my non-acceptance of his lifestyle is a non-acceptance of HIM personally, as if his lifestyle defines his very person. Nellie (a gay lady, but also one I count as a friend in the room) freaked out and said something about me believing she'd go to hell (I never said a word about it! - talk about jumping to conclusions) and left the room. She came back later and apologized to me.

Through all this I have been commited to being as professional as I can be and refrained from stating my personal views beyond, "I'm not getting into it because no one here would what to hear it." I know I live in a world where believing as I do puts me in a minority. So I don't speak out, I don't go off. I simply say, "This is a trigger for me, so I'll be leaving." My departure is to protect everyone, both myself and everyone else in the room (if I stay, I'm going to go off and that would be wrong).

It's amazing how doing the right thing (removing myself from the situation) gets me in trouble! [rolls eyes]

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

GYN appointments suck!

Well, I survived my doctor/GYN appointment yesterday. I was somewhat doped up during the procedure, but I still felt a LOT of pain. I just breathed really hard and sometimes cried out when it got really bad, and was crying at the end. I think the doctor might be more disposed to giving me pills next time to help me; he said he wouldn't have wanted to see me without pills if that's how I act ON them. On the plus side, he says we won't have to do this again for 3 years.

Then I pigged out on carbs to reward myself for surviving.

I ate everything except two slices of pizza, which I am working into my calories and carbs for today. Gotta get back to my diet now.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

My Birthday, take 2

Two big pieces of chocolate cake (double layer of course), two big mugs of regular whole milk, and a cheeseburger and fries for dinner at the place next door. Oh yeah, and one off-brand chocolate Oreo cookie. I took a few carb blocker pills. Doubt they will help much though since the sugar alone is enough to spike and crash my blood sugar.

Carb city, but yum! :o)

I'll get back on the wagon tomorrow. No cheating and no apples until I burn through all this extra glycogen.

My Birthday

Well, it's my birthday and I'm going a little crazy, but oh well. I'll climb back on the wagon tomorrow. I had a big slice of chocolate birthday cake, and will probably have another piece before my shift is over. :)

Weight today was about 163.7, but I just recycled my old 163.6 ticker since it was close enough. I was between 163.5 and 163.75. At least I made it to the gym and did cardio and then some weights.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Well, tomorrow's my b-day. On that day, 34 years ago, at 8:32 a.m., I came into this cruel world. With any luck, I hope to be asleep at that time. I need to get up at 9 to make it to the gym. If there are no elipticals available (the kind I like with moving handles), I'll just get a treadmill I guess and do a fast walk, or maybe try one of the other elipticals.

So much b-day cake, so little time, lol.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Craziest tsunami theory yet

Ok, first you need to understand how my dad raised my sis and I. We were taught that skin color didn't matter (indeed we had a black friend when we were children). I always figured that everything was equal. We could be any profession we wanted to be, and, by extention, we could be any religion we wanted to be, though God was not often spoken of and Dad had a particular animosity toward Christianity. (I was honestly surprized when he did NOT go ballistic when I told him I'd become a Christian.)

Anyway, that's the set-up for this, heard last week from someone who's talked to my Dad. The reason the tsunami struck where it did is because that area is overwhelmingly Muslim and this is retribution for 9/11.

Let me make it clear that this is about the most hairbrained thing I've ever heard, and to know my own father said it....gah! For some reason he hates Muslims and middle easterners in general and I don't know why. I don't "get" it because in college the Christian group I belonged to shared an office with the Muslim group, so I had some exposure, and I certainly don't hate them, nor do I think the tsunami is God's retribution against the Muslim world for 9/11. A lot of non-Muslims and Americans died there, too.

I expect freaks to come out after disasters, but to know the freak is my own Dad... :(

Saturday, January 01, 2005

New Year's Eve

Things went well. Brad came over and we had snacks (low carb of course, though he brought some high carb stuff for himself), and dinner, and at midnight we opened a bottle of champaigne and then gathered around my kitchen window to watch the fireworks across the Bay. We chatted until 2 a.m. and then called for a cab. Nobody - no body - was available. Brad had to sleep on my floor.

I got him up at 6 so he could catch a bus and head for work. I went back to sleep until 8 and now I'm up and getting ready for church.

Woohoo! 2005 is here. :) Let's celebrate!

Oh...I showed Brad the A&E biography on Dr. Atkins. He told me that when I started the diet earlier this year he thought I was my meds weren't working or something, lol. Even the first 10 pounds he just chalked up to "early success." But now, after 40 pounds, his whole view has changed, and he said he's going to read the book. He doesn't really need to lose any weight, but hey, I've converted somebody. :-D

My best poetry

* = best of the best

Poems written before my conversion to Christianity:

The Journey Home (undated)

Forget the Fact


The Streets of Berkeley

I Walked By Last Night

Seeing Red - For Rosebud

Six Months After - For Rosebud

* The Broken Torch

The Goddess



In A Spirit of Friendship

* In Memoriam

* Songs of the Seasons

The Darkness' Gift


Flame of Peace

Footfalls of God

The Search



Poems written after my conversion to Christianity:

May 3rd

Full Moon

*Cleansing Waters

The Final Good-Bye



The Rock

The Prodigal

Who Is She?

*My First Christmas

David, Why?

The Touch

When I Can't Seek You

*Staying the Course: A Poem for Maundy Thursday


To See With New Eyes


Heartsong - For My Dad

Yesterday's Wine



*Thorns and Scarlet


Dancing With the Devil

Out of the Darkness

Evening Stillness

Paper Swords

* Soft Butterfly

Holy Saturday

* Mourning My Virginity

Sojourner of the Shadows

The Morning After

* Into the Valley I-IV

Written after starting medication:

Crucify Me

My best writings

Come In From the Cold

Lessons of the Labyrinth

1999 Wrap-Up

2000 Wrap-Up

Letter to God

2001 Wrap-Up

2002 Wrap-Up

Helping Hand devotional, November 30, 2003-December 13, 2003 (use calendar on right side to navigate)

When Life Is Soft Around the Edges

Helping Hand devotional, August 29, 2004-September 25, 2004 (use calendar on right side to navigate)

2004 Wrap-Up

Helping Hand devotional, June 26, 2005-July 30, 2005 (use calendar on right side to navigate)

Halloween for Christians & Former Witches

The Pagan Origins of Christmas, a response

Helping Hand devotional, Novemeber 27, 2005-December 24, 2005 (use calendar on right side to navigate)

2005 Wrap-Up

Top 10 Myths About Atkins

What Is Our Role?

Top 10 Reasons Why I Love Low-Carb

Permission is given to reproduce any of my writings on this site as long as I am credited as the author. A link back to this site is nice, but not required.

Why the Low-Fat Diet is Stupid and Potentially Dangerous (by Anthony Colpo)

Mr. Colpo has given permission to copy his article 1) if it is for non-commercial purposes, 2) if you credit him as the author and 3) (nice, but not required), link back to his site.