Thursday, February 25, 2010

power corrupts

I am alive even though sometimes I wish otherwise. I still have a job and boss J. is still being an a**hole. There was a time when he wanted to do better, or at least he tried to do better.  I think that changed when his supervisor retired and they didn't replace him.  All of a sudden boss J. had *power.*  As a child I learned one thing about power - power corrupts.  So now boss J. acts as dictator over his little kingdom of Network Control. I hate to so say it because it is wrong to do so, but I hate the man.

I have been praying for myself and this department. I have adopted (and pray) Psalm 13. I cry because of the stress J. causes me, I skip church because I don't want to be around people, and I am just overwhelmingly depressed. I have never had a supervisor as bad as J.

"The meeting" finally happened and was everything I feared. Boss J. was his best politician self and got both Thad and board member Bill on his side before the meeting ever happened. It was a long meeting where they mostly beat up on me telling me I had to trust J. (um, isn't trust something that's earned?) and other nonsensical stuff.  J. made a few empty promises to do better in certain areas. I have no hope of his following through.  He has truly deceived himself that he is hurting me for my own good.   The real reason is power of course. I have never seen a man more enamored with power.

Internet-wise, boss J. let me have 50 minutes of Internet use between 10 and 10:50 pm when I get off.  At the meeting I asked for a very meager amount of time online - just 3 hours total minus any time handling problems and such, but in the end I had to settle for 8:20 pm to 10:50pm - just 2 1/2 hours. So they are still being hard asses and relegating me to staring at a wall the rest of my shift.

I'm wearing all black all the time. I am in permanent mourning for what J. has done to this department.  No one likes him.  The overnight girl thinks he's an "idiot," and of course Brad and I have been on the receiving end of his power mongering for a long time now.  I stopped at Old Navy earlier this week and bought some black tank tops, another pair of black yoga pants (they are so comfortable!), and a black purse.  Everything except the pants were on sale.  :) I bought more black nail polish today. I'm pairing down my closet and need to box up all my non-black clothes.

Brad and I are still planning on moving into the one bedroom apartment in the front of the building. It still isn't ready, nearly two months after it was supposed to be ready.  :-p

Gym time has been minimal, mostly just because I'm too depressed to motivate myself to go.  The constant rescheduling of "the meeting" has also played a part in some missed sessions. The lack of heavy exercise has not helped my weight. Most of my exercise is just walking places to save on bus fare - not anything that burns many calories.

My weight is continuing to climb.  I'm up around 20 pounds at the moment.  I am trying so hard to be good, but then something comes along and knocks me for a loop and I binge.  I have come to understand that I have Binge Eating Disorder.  The basic definition is to eat past the point of being full at least twice a week; this behavior must continue to three months or six months - I've seen both numbers. By the three month definition I am already there.  :(

Anyway, so that's another update.

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Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Boss J.'s e-mail about me

I managed to get ahold on boss J.'s e-mail about me. One of the people it was sent to knows Brad and told him so he could tell me, then got me a copy today.  I'll give you all one guess as to why boss J. started with me instead of some other operator.

"Subject: Network Control Operator Evaluation: Victoria Shephard

"As part of my desire to assist Network Control Operators in the professional development, I am currently developing an evaluation procedure...

"In this same vein I am currently in the process of evaluating Victoria Shepard's (sic) performance (I will be sending out the same request for the other Operators within the next month)...I would REALLY appreciate it if you could provide me with some information to work with. I understand that we are 'all in process', so there may be some occasions where she didn't perform as well as you may have liked. That said you are also welcome to give an overall assessment and/or specify certain incidents that you found either positive or negative..."

He then goes on to list specific areas of concern and that all information will be kept confidential.  The e-mail was sent to 25 different people, some of whom I have never worked with or ever even spoken to.

Peggy, the assistant secretary at the Sacramento office, hit "reply all" and fired back saying, "It is not my place to evaluate your staff. That is your job! When I have a problem with your staff, I will let you know."

So there you are. He is clearly on a fishing expedition, looking for reasons to fire me. The funny thing is that he will find nothing.  There are only two person on the list who might have something bad to say. One is "buddy buddy" with J., and the other gets mad at every operator, not just me. No one else will have anything bad to say because I do my job and I do it well. Seven of the people I know but have never worked with.  An eighth person I have never even spoken to in my 10+ years here.

The e-mail was sent to my former supervisors in the secretarial department where I used to work, but was not sent to the head of the French department where I subbed for someone for two months putting together the French programming (you don't have to speak French to do this). I guess J. is not aware of my time there.

At any rate, the e-mail was not well received from what I have heard around here, and as I said, few people will have even one bad word to say about me. If any do reply it will be with good things, not bad ones.

So, was this a professional thing to do? Would anyone out there dream of sending such as e-mail?  Your comments are welcome and appreciated.  Thanks.  :)

__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4852 (20100209) __________

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Monday, February 08, 2010

Life still sucks

I'm still doing pretty sucky.  Weight-wise I can't stick to plan because I'm not just addicted to sugar and carbs, but I tend to binge and gorge myself when I am under stress.  I stuff my feelings down with food and I now have a nice little belly to show for it.

Getting to the gym is hit and miss (mostly miss).  I don't feel like going when I am depressed, and it requires getting up early and traveling a long way on the bus. I often just don't have the will to crawl out of bed. I am getting exercise, though.  I walk a lot of places both for the exercise and the savings on bus fare, and if worse comes to worse I can always pull out the mini trampoline I keep at work and jog on it after boss J. has left for the day.

Work-wise the stress is wearing on me.  I'm now allowed online a total of one hour a day.  I think boss J. expected me to be grateful or kiss his feet or something.  Every day I can't wait for him to leave at his usual time of 7 p.m.  He commutes from far away and will often work 14 hours so that he can come in fewer days (good for me!).

Today it looks like I'm stuck here until 3 a.m.  The overnight girl, L., is sick again of course none of the part-timers want to work that shift at all, especially on such short notice. So I have to work 12 hours, have Brad take over at 3, and then come back at 3 p.m. tomorrow for my regular shift.  Boss J. made it very clear to me that he does not like working the overnight because it is "hard."  <sarcasm>Oh, the poor baby wants to be a manager and have all the perks but none of the responsibilities. </sarcasm>

And that's another thing about working under J. I have never had a job before where I had to find my own fill-ins or come in anyway, no matter how bad of shape I'm in.  In normal businesses you just call in sick and the manager takes responsibility to find a fill-in, or do it himself.  Not under J.  He wants us to do his job and find our own fill-ins.  This usually results in my working 3 p.m. to 3 a.m., and forces Brad to come in at 3 a.m. and work until 3 p.m., when I come in again.

Bill, the board member, called me on Saturday and said we would have a meeting today with me, Jon, Bill, and Lupe.  Brad thought Lupe was a bad idea so I called back and asked for Matthew or Thad, or, if it had to be another woman, Kathleen from downstairs.  Bill called me back and said he was trying to set up something with Thad, and that's where it stands now.

I took the paper I wrote and that I gave to Bill, turned it into a letter format, expanded it, and put it in Mr. Camping's box.

I know boss J. is waiting for me to break, but if he thinks I will, then he doesn't know women very well.  This is probably why he desperately wants to get married but can't find a woman crazy enough.  In one of the comments Brian mentioned something about my boss' "wife."  The truth is, he doesn't have a wife because he's just too mean and controlling.  No sane woman will go past a first date.

I have heard (but have not yet seen) that boss J. sent an e-mail to a bunch of people about doing evaluations on net control operators, and specifically mentioned me.  One of the recipients does not have my e-mail address or phone number, but texted Brad to let him know about it, knowing that he would tell me.  I am trying to get a copy of J.'s e-mail.  I am also trying to get a copy of Peggy's response to him (she's a lady who works in the Sacramento office) that I have heard was not kind. I'll give an update if I ever get ahold of either e-mail.

That's about it I guess.  I still don't have to will to update very often but I will as I am able.

__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4849 (20100208) __________

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Monday, February 01, 2010

guess I haven't updated in a while

Hi all,

As usual my lack of updating isn't a lack of time, but motivation.  Depression de-motivates you to do nothing but the necessary tasks to get by.
Boss J. is still a problem and his unfair ban continues to stand.  Bill had a talk with him which resulted in nothing more than J. having a talk with me afterwards.  I was honest, and he was not happy.  When he asked if I trusted him, I said no.  This made him mad and he launched into a short tirade about how we can't have communication if I can't trust him, blah, blah, blah.  Sorry, J., but trust is earned and you have not earned it.

I tried to talk to Mr. Camping and he did come to see me before the Open Forum program one day last week.  However, I don't think he really understood the problem.  I took the paper that I wrote for Bill, expanded it and turned it into a letter format, and put it in Mr. Camping's box.  I don't know if he will read it or care, but it's my only  recourse.  In it I spell out exactly what I want - a lift on the ban and someone other than J. to discipline me because I don't feel Jon will be fair.  I doubt it will help, but I am going stir crazy back here and I can't take much longer.  I'll try to attach my letter to Mr. Camping to this e-mail, but I doubt it will work.  It's a Word document, but I don't think my blog allows attachments.

I have regular melt downs and cry, sometimes at work.  My most recent was today.  I had to take some Xanax to calm me down, but it has a side effect was tiredness, so now I'm calm but I want to do nothing more than sleep.

Bill said there will be a meeting next week.  I'm not sure who else will be there besides Bill, J., and me.  I do not believe it will solve anything.  I am losing hope of things ever getting better.

The stress is taking a toll on Brad and I.  We got into a big fight after the Walk For Life on January 23, then got into it again last Thursday when he drove me home from work.  The situation is killing both of us since he has to listen to me complain and he doesn't like J. either.

Anyway, I still alive and still depressed.  I just want to curl up and die because at least then the pain would go away.

Diet and weight-wise I am not doing good.  I got an annual questionnaire from the Weight Control Center. One of the things they ask is you weight one year ago and your weight now.  I looked up one year ago and I was about 135.  I have been avoiding the scale but had to step on it to complete the questionnaire and now I am 150.  I have gained 15 pounds since Thanksgiving - vacation, holidays, my birthday, and, the single biggest contributor, stress at work.  I am struggling because I tend to medicate my mental pain and stress with junk food.

Bye all.

__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4825 (20100201) __________

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