So I'm praying tonight and I ask God "Why?" Why create this sin cursed world? You didn't create it; we messed it up! We are made in Your image, but use our creative power to destroy Your creation.
So I am back to "Why?" Why create knowing what would happen? I believe one of the reasons behind the Adam and Eve story (besides it being a creation story of course) is the point that any of us, even without a sin nature, would have done exactly as they did. We would all fall for the serpent's lie - every single one of us, without exception. And yet You did not create them flawed. They chose to fall because they wanted to be like You.
So why open Yourself to the pain of Your creation turning their back on You, as every one of us has done. Why endure the pain?
And in the quietness of that moment, He spoke to me. I hope I heard Him right, but perhaps this is at the core, the truth I must accept. "It is for My glory."
I have been saying for quite a while now that "His glory is more important than anything." What if it's not just a pithy saying, but is quite literally true? He is the Potter, we are the clay, the work of His hands. Perhaps everything that happens and every person, whether they accept Him or reject Him, will in the end bring Him glory. With the entirety of creation looking on, He will be shown to be most glorious in THIS world and not any other. That is why THIS exists, and not something else.
Just some random late-night thoughts.
Oh Lord, if this is true, let it sink down deep into my heart, into a place of acceptance, that I may truly believe deep down that Your glory is more important than anything.
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Heaven & Hell
After coming across some video clips from this sermon on YouTube, I decided to download the whole thing and listen to it on my iPod. I was stunned when once again my exact question was asked and answered. I knew God was speaking to me, giving me more grace than I deserve. And once again, the question of the goodness of God comes up, and Driscoll says that He is good. It was as if God was speaking to me and saying, "I am good."
And at the end, Driscoll reminds us - begs us - not to judge God because that is how this whole mess got started way back in Genesis. And isn't that what I am doing - the same thing as Adam and Eve - judging that God is not good?
Thank You, Father, for using this to teach me about Yourself. For all of you reading, enjoy. If you want to hear the entire sermon, you will find the links below.
Mars Hill Church – Seattle, WA
Pastor Mark Driscoll
Luke, Part 68 – Heaven and Hell
March 20, 2011
Luke 16:19-31
This is a (very) slightly edited transcript from his sermon from 39:20 – 44:55 and 45:35 -47:22. For the full sermon go to http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/luke/heaven-and-hell.
Question #3
"Why would God make people who will permanently remain His enemies? Why does God create certain people when He knows that their only future is to be tortured for all eternity?"
There is much to be said here. First of all, people go to hell because they reject Jesus. They reject the general revelation that God gives to all humanity. They reject the common grace that God bestows upon them. Furthermore, they have to reject their conscience that God has placed within them, as well as any special revelation that He has brought to them. We are in no way innocent. We are not.
Additionally, when God was finished with His work in Genesis 1:31, making the earth and our first parents, giving us life, breath, and creation as a gift, He declared it all to be very good. There was no sin. There was no suffering. There was no sickness. There was no death. We sinned. We rebelled. We declared war. We ruined everything. It is our fault, friends. It is my fault. It is your fault. It is our fault. This is not the world as God made it. This is the world as we have corrupted it.
Additionally, it makes perfect sense to me that a convicted criminal goes to prison...That makes perfect sense. Similarly, it makes perfect sense that a condemned sinner goes to hell. That makes sense. What is astonishing is that God would become a man to live in the world as we have destroyed it, that God would endure poverty, that God would endure humiliation, that God would endure opposition and betrayal, that God Himself would be arrested and falsely accused and beaten and crucified, which is the most shameful and wretched and painful of deaths, and that He would cry out "Forgive them!" and that He would die in our place, for our sins, as our substitute, and that He would taste the hell that we deserve. And Jesus states this when He cries out from the cross, "My God, my God, why have You forsaken Me?" That the Father turned His back on the Son and that the wrath of God was poured out on Jesus so that it might be propitiated or diverted from us...That is the miracle, that is the great exchange, that is the love of God.
Additionally, I would beg you, not to judge God. Do not judge God. We have three pound, fallen brains. We have sinful dispositions and inclinations. We have only been around for a few short years. We are not all-seeing, we are not all-knowing, and for us to sit on a throne, even if it is an academic throne propped up by footnotes, asking the Creator of heaven and earth to pass before us that we might render a verdict regarding His holiness and justice is how all the trouble began in the first place.
That Satan came to our first parents asking a few questions about the character of God, inviting them to judge Him. Dear friend, we are in no position to judge God. We are to trust God, not judge God because we are not God. You are not God. God is good and God is loving and God is merciful and God is kind and God is just and God is holy and God is righteous, and whatever God does is good and it is glorious.
...I feel the Holy Sprit bringing to mind one point He would like me to make as well on the previous question of why would God make people knowing they’re going to hell, why would He create hell for them. In fact, the Holy Spirit wants me to tell you that in Matthew 25:41 Jesus says that hell was made for the devil and his angels. The devil and his angels, Satan and his angels, spirit beings, they rebelled against God and there is no possibility of salvation for Satan and demons. Jesus did not go to the cross to die in their place, atoning for their sins, securing their salvation. Satan and demons have no opportunity of salvation, only damnation. And Jesus says in Matthew 25:41 that hell was made for the devil and his angels. We choose to go there when we reject Him. In the same way, a prison was made for criminals. We don’t need to go there unless we choose to become a criminal…I’m telling you today, you need not go (to hell). Trust in Jesus...Hell was made for the devil and his angels.
And at the end, Driscoll reminds us - begs us - not to judge God because that is how this whole mess got started way back in Genesis. And isn't that what I am doing - the same thing as Adam and Eve - judging that God is not good?
Thank You, Father, for using this to teach me about Yourself. For all of you reading, enjoy. If you want to hear the entire sermon, you will find the links below.
Mars Hill Church – Seattle, WA
Pastor Mark Driscoll
Luke, Part 68 – Heaven and Hell
March 20, 2011
Luke 16:19-31
This is a (very) slightly edited transcript from his sermon from 39:20 – 44:55 and 45:35 -47:22. For the full sermon go to http://www.marshillchurch.org/media/luke/heaven-and-hell.
Question #3
"Why would God make people who will permanently remain His enemies? Why does God create certain people when He knows that their only future is to be tortured for all eternity?"
There is much to be said here. First of all, people go to hell because they reject Jesus. They reject the general revelation that God gives to all humanity. They reject the common grace that God bestows upon them. Furthermore, they have to reject their conscience that God has placed within them, as well as any special revelation that He has brought to them. We are in no way innocent. We are not.
Additionally, when God was finished with His work in Genesis 1:31, making the earth and our first parents, giving us life, breath, and creation as a gift, He declared it all to be very good. There was no sin. There was no suffering. There was no sickness. There was no death. We sinned. We rebelled. We declared war. We ruined everything. It is our fault, friends. It is my fault. It is your fault. It is our fault. This is not the world as God made it. This is the world as we have corrupted it.
Additionally, it makes perfect sense to me that a convicted criminal goes to prison...That makes perfect sense. Similarly, it makes perfect sense that a condemned sinner goes to hell. That makes sense. What is astonishing is that God would become a man to live in the world as we have destroyed it, that God would endure poverty, that God would endure humiliation, that God would endure opposition and betrayal, that God Himself would be arrested and falsely accused and beaten and crucified, which is the most shameful and wretched and painful of deaths, and that He would cry out "Forgive them!" and that He would die in our place, for our sins, as our substitute, and that He would taste the hell that we deserve. And Jesus states this when He cries out from the cross, "My God, my God, why have You forsaken Me?" That the Father turned His back on the Son and that the wrath of God was poured out on Jesus so that it might be propitiated or diverted from us...That is the miracle, that is the great exchange, that is the love of God.
Additionally, I would beg you, not to judge God. Do not judge God. We have three pound, fallen brains. We have sinful dispositions and inclinations. We have only been around for a few short years. We are not all-seeing, we are not all-knowing, and for us to sit on a throne, even if it is an academic throne propped up by footnotes, asking the Creator of heaven and earth to pass before us that we might render a verdict regarding His holiness and justice is how all the trouble began in the first place.
That Satan came to our first parents asking a few questions about the character of God, inviting them to judge Him. Dear friend, we are in no position to judge God. We are to trust God, not judge God because we are not God. You are not God. God is good and God is loving and God is merciful and God is kind and God is just and God is holy and God is righteous, and whatever God does is good and it is glorious.
...I feel the Holy Sprit bringing to mind one point He would like me to make as well on the previous question of why would God make people knowing they’re going to hell, why would He create hell for them. In fact, the Holy Spirit wants me to tell you that in Matthew 25:41 Jesus says that hell was made for the devil and his angels. The devil and his angels, Satan and his angels, spirit beings, they rebelled against God and there is no possibility of salvation for Satan and demons. Jesus did not go to the cross to die in their place, atoning for their sins, securing their salvation. Satan and demons have no opportunity of salvation, only damnation. And Jesus says in Matthew 25:41 that hell was made for the devil and his angels. We choose to go there when we reject Him. In the same way, a prison was made for criminals. We don’t need to go there unless we choose to become a criminal…I’m telling you today, you need not go (to hell). Trust in Jesus...Hell was made for the devil and his angels.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Dad, Job, and the nature of God
Ok, I've been writing about this in the statuses and comments, and am going to try to organize my thoughts on what is going on.
My Dad is gone, and I'm hurting, and then looking at the whole world and railing against God. I looked over Job again (and just read it back in January) and I understand where he is coming from, demanding answers from God. From where I stand, I didn't f*ck anything up. He let me father die. He lets this sick world go on day after day. I am just plain angry.
First, I probably scared Pastor Steve without meaning to, and I'm sorry. What I said was "I am questioning everything I believe." What I meant was "I am questioning everything I thought I knew about the nature of who God is." Let me make clear: I believe. I believe God is the only God and that the Bible is His word to us. I stand with Peter: "Simon Peter answered Him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life'" (John 6:68, NASB). I am not going to run away from God because there is nowhere else to run, no other God to go to.
A song that describes where I am is Michael Card's I Will Not Walk Away.
What I am questioning is whether or not God is truly good and trustworthy. I am having a hard time trusting Him right now or seeing Him as good. I want to trust Him again; I really do. I just can't right now.
The crux I came to while praying, in short: I ask why You save so few - a remnant; You reply that You were under no obligation to save any, but have chosen to save some. I ask why You created knowing so many would be lost; You direct me back to your answer to Job - that I can't understand. Help that answer, Lord, to seep into my heart, and truly know that the Judge of all the earth always does what's right (Genesis 18:25).
You save only a remnant, and yet that "remnant" is classified as a multitude. "After these things I looked, and behold, a great multitude which no one could count, from every nation and all tribes and peoples and tongues, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, and palm branches were in their hands" (Revelation 7:9, NASB). And way back in Genesis God promises Abraham that his descendants will be as numerous as the sand on the seashore and the stars in the heavens - too many to count (Genesis 22:17, 32:12).
I'm trying to look at this through the lens of the Bible because that is the only way to arrive at truth. I don't want to see things through my own preconceptions or "the gospel according to Victoria" - how I would rule the world.
Yes, I am angry over my father's death, not so much because he died, or even whether or not he's in hell. Those were questions that merely covered the bigger questions of God's goodness in creating this whole world to begin with. That's where I am at this moment. And I am angry that He would create to begin with knowing that so many people would go to hell. I can understand God not saving some people so that His glory can be displayed in His justice. Just, so many?
And this is where the questions cease to be answered. Again and again I circle back to Job. God's answer is what He gave to Job - a non-answer basically saying if you can't explain and control the natural world, how do you expect to understand the supernatural world? I seem to remember Hank Hanegraaff, the "Bible Answer Man," saying that it would be like trying to explain Einstein to a small-necked clam - the clam has no hope of ever understanding something so far beyond him. If I can't understand the list of things He told Job, I certainly can't understand His purposes in creation. Change my heart, God, to be in sync with Yours!
God also points me back to "Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5, NASB). Admittedly, my "own understanding" is part of the problem, as there is a difference between how *I* would run the world vs. how God runs it.
One post from Dolores made an impact on me because of everyone, she understood what I was saying. I think if you're a Christian long enough, sooner or later you go through something like this. You've gotten past the "What if God doesn't exist?" doubts and now know for a fact that He does. But then the next doubt, the one not often talked about, is "What if He does exist but He's not actually benevolent?" I've been there, too, and it hurts, and it also terrifies. But Victoria, it will pass. A day will come when you suddenly can feel God's goodness, when you know its reality just as surely as you can perceive God existing. Suddenly things make sense even when you can't always explain it logically. It's a grace. It will suddenly rush in as a relief, like cool, quenching water when you're so thirsty you're scared of dying of it. And you will be so much stronger then than you were before these doubts arose!
And this is where I am. As she said, the doubts I'm having are not usually talked about. But I think they should be because my questions are honest questions. I'm not trying to trip anyone up or glorify myself.
I do not have the strength right now to hold onto Him, but this is not the first time I have been this weak, and He had held onto me before. I pray He holds onto me now. I don't understand, and I want to, and I pray that God will change my heart because it is not right with Him right now!
Most every night I find myself praying this prayer by John Piper: "Fix me, change me, alter me, go down, kill me if you can’t, but don’t let me live out of sync with the Bible! Don’t let my heart stay out of sync with the Bible! God, I got all kinds of feelings right now that are not in sync with the Bible. Would you come and change me?"
God is my only hope of getting through this with my faith in Him intact. He has called me and saved me. He has held on to me and carried me when I was too weak to hold onto Him. I have hope that He will carry me through this, too.
So is He good? I don't know right now. But with His help I may just be able to believe it.
My Dad is gone, and I'm hurting, and then looking at the whole world and railing against God. I looked over Job again (and just read it back in January) and I understand where he is coming from, demanding answers from God. From where I stand, I didn't f*ck anything up. He let me father die. He lets this sick world go on day after day. I am just plain angry.
First, I probably scared Pastor Steve without meaning to, and I'm sorry. What I said was "I am questioning everything I believe." What I meant was "I am questioning everything I thought I knew about the nature of who God is." Let me make clear: I believe. I believe God is the only God and that the Bible is His word to us. I stand with Peter: "Simon Peter answered Him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have words of eternal life'" (John 6:68, NASB). I am not going to run away from God because there is nowhere else to run, no other God to go to.
A song that describes where I am is Michael Card's I Will Not Walk Away.
What I am questioning is whether or not God is truly good and trustworthy. I am having a hard time trusting Him right now or seeing Him as good. I want to trust Him again; I really do. I just can't right now.
The crux I came to while praying, in short: I ask why You save so few - a remnant; You reply that You were under no obligation to save any, but have chosen to save some. I ask why You created knowing so many would be lost; You direct me back to your answer to Job - that I can't understand. Help that answer, Lord, to seep into my heart, and truly know that the Judge of all the earth always does what's right (Genesis 18:25).
You save only a remnant, and yet that "remnant" is classified as a multitude. "After these things I looked, and behold, a great multitude which no one could count, from every nation and all tribes and peoples and tongues, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, and palm branches were in their hands" (Revelation 7:9, NASB). And way back in Genesis God promises Abraham that his descendants will be as numerous as the sand on the seashore and the stars in the heavens - too many to count (Genesis 22:17, 32:12).
I'm trying to look at this through the lens of the Bible because that is the only way to arrive at truth. I don't want to see things through my own preconceptions or "the gospel according to Victoria" - how I would rule the world.
Yes, I am angry over my father's death, not so much because he died, or even whether or not he's in hell. Those were questions that merely covered the bigger questions of God's goodness in creating this whole world to begin with. That's where I am at this moment. And I am angry that He would create to begin with knowing that so many people would go to hell. I can understand God not saving some people so that His glory can be displayed in His justice. Just, so many?
And this is where the questions cease to be answered. Again and again I circle back to Job. God's answer is what He gave to Job - a non-answer basically saying if you can't explain and control the natural world, how do you expect to understand the supernatural world? I seem to remember Hank Hanegraaff, the "Bible Answer Man," saying that it would be like trying to explain Einstein to a small-necked clam - the clam has no hope of ever understanding something so far beyond him. If I can't understand the list of things He told Job, I certainly can't understand His purposes in creation. Change my heart, God, to be in sync with Yours!
God also points me back to "Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5, NASB). Admittedly, my "own understanding" is part of the problem, as there is a difference between how *I* would run the world vs. how God runs it.
One post from Dolores made an impact on me because of everyone, she understood what I was saying. I think if you're a Christian long enough, sooner or later you go through something like this. You've gotten past the "What if God doesn't exist?" doubts and now know for a fact that He does. But then the next doubt, the one not often talked about, is "What if He does exist but He's not actually benevolent?" I've been there, too, and it hurts, and it also terrifies. But Victoria, it will pass. A day will come when you suddenly can feel God's goodness, when you know its reality just as surely as you can perceive God existing. Suddenly things make sense even when you can't always explain it logically. It's a grace. It will suddenly rush in as a relief, like cool, quenching water when you're so thirsty you're scared of dying of it. And you will be so much stronger then than you were before these doubts arose!
And this is where I am. As she said, the doubts I'm having are not usually talked about. But I think they should be because my questions are honest questions. I'm not trying to trip anyone up or glorify myself.
I do not have the strength right now to hold onto Him, but this is not the first time I have been this weak, and He had held onto me before. I pray He holds onto me now. I don't understand, and I want to, and I pray that God will change my heart because it is not right with Him right now!
Most every night I find myself praying this prayer by John Piper: "Fix me, change me, alter me, go down, kill me if you can’t, but don’t let me live out of sync with the Bible! Don’t let my heart stay out of sync with the Bible! God, I got all kinds of feelings right now that are not in sync with the Bible. Would you come and change me?"
God is my only hope of getting through this with my faith in Him intact. He has called me and saved me. He has held on to me and carried me when I was too weak to hold onto Him. I have hope that He will carry me through this, too.
So is He good? I don't know right now. But with His help I may just be able to believe it.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
More musings on the death of my father
Was today's highlight the Ash Wednesday service? No, today's highlight was the Dividing Line program I listened to on my way to church. Dr. White asked (and answered) the exact question I have been asking about God - "Why not save my father?" This program was recorded the day before my Dad died. His answer was God's words to me. God knows what I am going through, and cares enough to give me an answer.
And my response to God giving me an answer is simply to realize that my questions are much broader than just "Why not save my father?" and go to the very heart of who God is and what the Bible says. It's blasphemous to even ask the questions I am, but I am asking them nonetheless. I just don't know what to do anymore, or how my father's death could so profoundly (and negatively) effect my faith.
My only hope right now is that because I had been praying before all this happened, I am still praying now, and perhaps God will hear my cry and save me from myself.
So is it that God is unknowable, or just that I don't want to accept what I see in the Bible, and I am really beginning to wonder if I do. The Scripture is clear, but it's hard, and I don't like it. And the only way out of this maze is for God to save me from myself. I don't understand Him anymore. I thought I knew what He was like, who He is, and now I realize I don't know anything about Him at all. And I am not liking what I see in the Bible.
And yet...I know He has called me and spoke to me and wants me. And I want Him. After almost 15 years I can't just walk away; indeed, I could not if I tried, and I have tried before. There is a relationship, and I don't want to give up on it, and I don't believe He wants to give up on me, so perhaps there is hope since neither of us wants to let the other go.
And so like Jacob, I wrestle (Genesis 32:24ff). As John Piper said, "I am begging, Lord, that I not be stubborn between Your fingers." Change my heart, Lord, to accept what You say, no matter how much my natural self doesn't like it, no matter how much I don't understand.
And my response to God giving me an answer is simply to realize that my questions are much broader than just "Why not save my father?" and go to the very heart of who God is and what the Bible says. It's blasphemous to even ask the questions I am, but I am asking them nonetheless. I just don't know what to do anymore, or how my father's death could so profoundly (and negatively) effect my faith.
My only hope right now is that because I had been praying before all this happened, I am still praying now, and perhaps God will hear my cry and save me from myself.
So is it that God is unknowable, or just that I don't want to accept what I see in the Bible, and I am really beginning to wonder if I do. The Scripture is clear, but it's hard, and I don't like it. And the only way out of this maze is for God to save me from myself. I don't understand Him anymore. I thought I knew what He was like, who He is, and now I realize I don't know anything about Him at all. And I am not liking what I see in the Bible.
And yet...I know He has called me and spoke to me and wants me. And I want Him. After almost 15 years I can't just walk away; indeed, I could not if I tried, and I have tried before. There is a relationship, and I don't want to give up on it, and I don't believe He wants to give up on me, so perhaps there is hope since neither of us wants to let the other go.
And so like Jacob, I wrestle (Genesis 32:24ff). As John Piper said, "I am begging, Lord, that I not be stubborn between Your fingers." Change my heart, Lord, to accept what You say, no matter how much my natural self doesn't like it, no matter how much I don't understand.
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
The Theology of Death
I am hurting right now. I believe that God revealed more of Himself to me last year in the late summer and into the fall and winter. I could accept what I read and see how it gelled with Scripture. It made sense. It made God make sense.
I have known people who have died without Christ, and I could accept it. Ninian and Robin come to mind. They died as Pagans and I know they will not be in heaven, and I could accept that.
And then I got the call about Dad on Saturday morning, February 26. My sister said he wouldn't last the week. Two days later I was on a plane to Seattle to see my Dad before he died.
When I got there he was on a respirator, totally non-responsive, and in a vegetative state. The doctors said there was brain damage. He had had a heart attack and it took them 25 minutes to bring him back. It would have been kinder to let him go, but my sister didn't understand how important that DNR (do not resuscitate) order would have been. And so they worked on an 88-year-old man who was brought back with no quality of life.
It can take three days after a heart attack for the patient to recover enough to communicate. I asked the doctors to wait the full three days. After that, my sister asked that he be made comfortable with morphine, and we decided to let him go. He had too many other things wrong, and his organs were shutting down one by one. We said our good-byes, and had him taken off the respirator Tuesday night. He died at 1:15 a.m. Wednesday morning. I had left the hospital about two hours earlier, but my sister was there.
I did not realize how hard his death would hit me. I keep trying to pray and just end up in tears. I pleaded with God to save him, and He answered "no." And so I find an anger welling up in me at my God who could have saved Him but chose not to. To run back to my Arminian beliefs would be merciful - Dad chose to reject Christ, so he is getting his wish.
But I see something quite different in Scripture, and that is where the struggle lies. How can God possibly be glorified when so many people go to hell? I can see how His justice is glorified in the just condemnation of sinners, but why does it have to be so many? Why does it have to be my Dad?
I believe God is worth the struggle, or I would walk away now. But with Peter, I am constrained to say "Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life" (John 6:68). There is nowhere else to go, and so I must wrestle this out. But my natural self does not like what Scripture clearly teaches, and so anger at God is added to my grief, and what a deep grief this is!
Things were going so well for me - God had revealed more of Himself to me, and drawn me into a deeper relationship with Him. Little did I know how important that relationship would become. He is all I have in this valley, my only hope of coming out the other side with my faith still intact. He chased away the gods I used to worship, so there is no temptation to go back, but I struggle to remain with Him.
How quickly life can change from loving and cleaving to God and basking in that deeper relationship with Him, to grief and pain and anger! I am praying, and I know He hears me and is not angry at my anger. I am praying for His help in this, and praying that He will change my heart to be in sync with Scripture, no matter how much my natural self may abhor it.
I am thankful that He drew me into that closer relationship with Him last December because it is the only thing getting me through right now - knowing I can talk to Him and pour out my heart and my tears and that He will not judge me, even if I can't fully trust Him right now.
I want to thank all of you for praying for me this past week. Your prayers and outpouring of support held me up and helped me to get through a very difficult week. I could feel God sustaining me and your prayers were a part of that. Prayer is the only thing that has helped: my prayers for myself, and your prayers for me. I cannot overstate its importance.
But it's not over for me just because I am back home and back at work and life is starting to get back to a semblance of normalcy. Please continue to pray. I need it now just as much as last week as I wrestle through these issues with God.
I am dealing with anger against God, as well as grief over my Dad's death, and regret for the things I didn't say and all the time I spent not praying for him. God saves people through means, and one of those means is prayer. I have failed Him in this area and had to repent. There is so much regret, so much I have failed to do and say and pray that I feel and I have little right to ask God to forgive me for so much. And yet He does.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He has called me. All who are called are saved (Romans 8:30), but why doesn't He save more people? Why didn't He save my Dad?
It seems a lot of people are dying lately - Norma's dad, Brent's grandfather, Brad's sister-in-law, and the friend of someone I subscribe to on YouTube (what a sad story that is!). But these people all died in Christ and are with Him now. I don't have that hope.
God's glory is above all, and in some way I don't understand, every person - saved and unsaved - contribute to His glory. And so I must believe that in some way, not saving my Dad brings more glory to Him than saving him would. And this is where my mind goes *tilt* and my understanding ends. I know all this is true on a head level, but my heart aches for my father and I can't understand it emotionally. Suddenly, nothing makes sense. God doesn't make sense. Just when you think you know Him, something happens that challenges everything you believe. I'm free falling and don't know when or where I will land.
I have never known a grief this deep, a regret so profound, a God so unknowable.
I have known people who have died without Christ, and I could accept it. Ninian and Robin come to mind. They died as Pagans and I know they will not be in heaven, and I could accept that.
And then I got the call about Dad on Saturday morning, February 26. My sister said he wouldn't last the week. Two days later I was on a plane to Seattle to see my Dad before he died.
When I got there he was on a respirator, totally non-responsive, and in a vegetative state. The doctors said there was brain damage. He had had a heart attack and it took them 25 minutes to bring him back. It would have been kinder to let him go, but my sister didn't understand how important that DNR (do not resuscitate) order would have been. And so they worked on an 88-year-old man who was brought back with no quality of life.
It can take three days after a heart attack for the patient to recover enough to communicate. I asked the doctors to wait the full three days. After that, my sister asked that he be made comfortable with morphine, and we decided to let him go. He had too many other things wrong, and his organs were shutting down one by one. We said our good-byes, and had him taken off the respirator Tuesday night. He died at 1:15 a.m. Wednesday morning. I had left the hospital about two hours earlier, but my sister was there.
I did not realize how hard his death would hit me. I keep trying to pray and just end up in tears. I pleaded with God to save him, and He answered "no." And so I find an anger welling up in me at my God who could have saved Him but chose not to. To run back to my Arminian beliefs would be merciful - Dad chose to reject Christ, so he is getting his wish.
But I see something quite different in Scripture, and that is where the struggle lies. How can God possibly be glorified when so many people go to hell? I can see how His justice is glorified in the just condemnation of sinners, but why does it have to be so many? Why does it have to be my Dad?
I believe God is worth the struggle, or I would walk away now. But with Peter, I am constrained to say "Lord, to whom shall we go? thou hast the words of eternal life" (John 6:68). There is nowhere else to go, and so I must wrestle this out. But my natural self does not like what Scripture clearly teaches, and so anger at God is added to my grief, and what a deep grief this is!
Things were going so well for me - God had revealed more of Himself to me, and drawn me into a deeper relationship with Him. Little did I know how important that relationship would become. He is all I have in this valley, my only hope of coming out the other side with my faith still intact. He chased away the gods I used to worship, so there is no temptation to go back, but I struggle to remain with Him.
How quickly life can change from loving and cleaving to God and basking in that deeper relationship with Him, to grief and pain and anger! I am praying, and I know He hears me and is not angry at my anger. I am praying for His help in this, and praying that He will change my heart to be in sync with Scripture, no matter how much my natural self may abhor it.
I am thankful that He drew me into that closer relationship with Him last December because it is the only thing getting me through right now - knowing I can talk to Him and pour out my heart and my tears and that He will not judge me, even if I can't fully trust Him right now.
I want to thank all of you for praying for me this past week. Your prayers and outpouring of support held me up and helped me to get through a very difficult week. I could feel God sustaining me and your prayers were a part of that. Prayer is the only thing that has helped: my prayers for myself, and your prayers for me. I cannot overstate its importance.
But it's not over for me just because I am back home and back at work and life is starting to get back to a semblance of normalcy. Please continue to pray. I need it now just as much as last week as I wrestle through these issues with God.
I am dealing with anger against God, as well as grief over my Dad's death, and regret for the things I didn't say and all the time I spent not praying for him. God saves people through means, and one of those means is prayer. I have failed Him in this area and had to repent. There is so much regret, so much I have failed to do and say and pray that I feel and I have little right to ask God to forgive me for so much. And yet He does.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He has called me. All who are called are saved (Romans 8:30), but why doesn't He save more people? Why didn't He save my Dad?
It seems a lot of people are dying lately - Norma's dad, Brent's grandfather, Brad's sister-in-law, and the friend of someone I subscribe to on YouTube (what a sad story that is!). But these people all died in Christ and are with Him now. I don't have that hope.
God's glory is above all, and in some way I don't understand, every person - saved and unsaved - contribute to His glory. And so I must believe that in some way, not saving my Dad brings more glory to Him than saving him would. And this is where my mind goes *tilt* and my understanding ends. I know all this is true on a head level, but my heart aches for my father and I can't understand it emotionally. Suddenly, nothing makes sense. God doesn't make sense. Just when you think you know Him, something happens that challenges everything you believe. I'm free falling and don't know when or where I will land.
I have never known a grief this deep, a regret so profound, a God so unknowable.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Good-bye, Daddy
My Dad is dying. When I asked my sister about flying next weekend, she said he wouldn't last that long. I talked to his doctor and she did not give a good prognosis. He is 88 and has been in the hospital for the last couple of weeks, first for a UTI, then he got aspirated pneumonia. Last I heard, he was unconscious and on a ventilator. He went into cardiac arrest, but they managed to bring him back.
I am holding tight to my faith. It's the only anchor in this storm. While I'm not mad at God, this is a challenge to my new Reformed beliefs about election. It's all well and good until it's brought home to your family. I am wrestling with God over this.
God brought me through the whole issue with K. back in 2004. He held onto me when I had no strength to hold onto Him. He will bring me through this, too. I will be okay, but I am not okay now.
Over the last couple of weeks I've been praying for a grace from God that I would be able to see Dad before he dies to say good-bye. Starting the end of last week I felt that God was telling me to fly to Seattle now. Then the call came Saturday morning and I had to hurry to arrange a trip. Perhaps going now is the answer to that prayer. I know I don't deserve this (or any) grace from God, but I would very much like this, so I asked.
I have not lost sight of who my true Father is, one who does not die and will always be there for me.
I am leaving tomorrow morning (Monday, Feb. 28). I will be gone one week and plan to fly home on Monday, March 7. Today I stumbled over a YouTube video series of Steven Curtis Chapman & his family on Larry King Live back in 2008 after the death of their five year old daughter. If they can get through something as unexpected as that, I can certainly get through this. Death is a part of life, but that doesn't make it easier.
I have been encouraged by something Lysa TerKeurst said about death, that it is merciful of God to let us die. The alternative would be to live forever in this sinful, fallen world. We have a promise of a perfect world without sin or death, but it is not here now, so death is a mercy to keep us from suffering forever.
There will be no funeral, so the rest of the family will not be flying in. I will love and miss you all. I will NOT be online much, if any, for the next week (i.e. don't send any game requests).
I would appreciate any and all prayers. I will be staying with my sister in Seattle. Neither her nor my Dad are saved, and April and I are both suffering right now. Pray that God saves Dad and that I get a chance to say good-bye before he dies. Pray for my sister and I as we navigate this painful journey.
I cried myself to sleep last night. My grief was so deep that I couldn't even pray. The only words that came to mind were lines from the songs I listened to and just a general, "God, help me!" Thank God for Michael Card, Rich Mullins, and Casting Crowns. They have captured my prayers in song and it has been a great comfort in this time of sorrow.
"I will praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands,
For You are who You are, no matter where I am."
--Casting Crowns
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUWbmtbzDno
"Hold me, Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace."
--Rich Mullins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTDRjqVIyVY
"Jesus, hold me now,
I need to feel You in this place,
To know You're by my side,
And hear Your voice tonight."
--Casting Crowns
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GE_8l_2uGVA
All praise and glory to You, Father. Please walk with me through this.
I am holding tight to my faith. It's the only anchor in this storm. While I'm not mad at God, this is a challenge to my new Reformed beliefs about election. It's all well and good until it's brought home to your family. I am wrestling with God over this.
God brought me through the whole issue with K. back in 2004. He held onto me when I had no strength to hold onto Him. He will bring me through this, too. I will be okay, but I am not okay now.
Over the last couple of weeks I've been praying for a grace from God that I would be able to see Dad before he dies to say good-bye. Starting the end of last week I felt that God was telling me to fly to Seattle now. Then the call came Saturday morning and I had to hurry to arrange a trip. Perhaps going now is the answer to that prayer. I know I don't deserve this (or any) grace from God, but I would very much like this, so I asked.
I have not lost sight of who my true Father is, one who does not die and will always be there for me.
I am leaving tomorrow morning (Monday, Feb. 28). I will be gone one week and plan to fly home on Monday, March 7. Today I stumbled over a YouTube video series of Steven Curtis Chapman & his family on Larry King Live back in 2008 after the death of their five year old daughter. If they can get through something as unexpected as that, I can certainly get through this. Death is a part of life, but that doesn't make it easier.
I have been encouraged by something Lysa TerKeurst said about death, that it is merciful of God to let us die. The alternative would be to live forever in this sinful, fallen world. We have a promise of a perfect world without sin or death, but it is not here now, so death is a mercy to keep us from suffering forever.
There will be no funeral, so the rest of the family will not be flying in. I will love and miss you all. I will NOT be online much, if any, for the next week (i.e. don't send any game requests).
I would appreciate any and all prayers. I will be staying with my sister in Seattle. Neither her nor my Dad are saved, and April and I are both suffering right now. Pray that God saves Dad and that I get a chance to say good-bye before he dies. Pray for my sister and I as we navigate this painful journey.
I cried myself to sleep last night. My grief was so deep that I couldn't even pray. The only words that came to mind were lines from the songs I listened to and just a general, "God, help me!" Thank God for Michael Card, Rich Mullins, and Casting Crowns. They have captured my prayers in song and it has been a great comfort in this time of sorrow.
"I will praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands,
For You are who You are, no matter where I am."
--Casting Crowns
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUWbmtbzDno
"Hold me, Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf.
You have been King of my Glory, won't You be my Prince of Peace."
--Rich Mullins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTDRjqVIyVY
"Jesus, hold me now,
I need to feel You in this place,
To know You're by my side,
And hear Your voice tonight."
--Casting Crowns
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GE_8l_2uGVA
All praise and glory to You, Father. Please walk with me through this.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Finding my "sweet spot"
Had a doc appointment today and saw my latest test results. So glad - everything is in range, my Free T4 was the highest I have yet seen, and my Free T3 was on the high end of the range without being over. :) The doc was so happy he high-fived me!
I feel good, symptom free, very pleased. I was dx'ed in August 2008. It's been quite the journey.
I currently take 150mg of natural thyroid with 88mcg of levothyroxine. Neither medicine alone worked well, but the two together are working! My doc and I have tried various doses of each medicine alone and together and it looks like the current combo is what every thyroid patient wants - their "sweet spot."
Thank You God! I asked You to help me on my thyroid journey and You have!
I feel good, symptom free, very pleased. I was dx'ed in August 2008. It's been quite the journey.
I currently take 150mg of natural thyroid with 88mcg of levothyroxine. Neither medicine alone worked well, but the two together are working! My doc and I have tried various doses of each medicine alone and together and it looks like the current combo is what every thyroid patient wants - their "sweet spot."
Thank You God! I asked You to help me on my thyroid journey and You have!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The Call To Live
So I'm reading Deuteronomy and remembering my past as I read. There is the promise in 4:28-31 - my coming to God after serving other gods. Deuteronomy also contains the Old Testament passage that helped me answer the question, "Who is this goddess I used to worship?" As a new Christian, this was a question of utmost importance. I found two passages - one in the Old Testament and one in the New - that answered that question. The Old Testament passage is Deuteronomy 32:16-18. They sacrificed to demons... Wow.
I'm walking to work today, bopping to the music of my "Hope" playlist on my iPod. I should pause here and explain that the reason for the existence of this playlist was to create a list of songs that remind me who God is and what His promises to me are. I was going through a rough patch at work. My boss was trying to make my life at work a living hell, and that's when the playlist was created. Yesterday I added some new songs, and this is what I listened to today.
First I come across Casting Crown's song Who Am I? and hear last line of the chorus (and the song): "I am Yours." And so I say out loud as I am walking, "I am Yours." Because I am. And suddenly I have a flashback to an earlier time. I'm around 16 or 17. I am watching Shirley MacLaine in "Out On A Limb." It's based on her book. She stands on the shore of the Pacific Ocean with her friend and says, "I am God."
And it suddenly struck me how far I have come and how far apart those two statements are: "I am God" and "I am Yours." Once I would have chosen and believed the former. And then God came after me to show me who He is, and tell me who I am. :)
Another song I heard on my iPod today is along these same lines - Beautiful by MercyMe. The chorus reads, in part, "You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His." Yes, I am not God. I belong TO God. I am His.
After "I am Yours" I kept listening and soon another song came on that reminds me of my past, Strength for the Journey. I first heard it sung live my Jesse Manibusan and bought the cassette. It was a promise to me then; it is still a promise today. And listening always takes me back.
After this song was I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack. I realized that this is what God wants for me - to dance! To stop sitting on the sidelines and get up and dance! Pray! Praise! LIVE! "Awake, sleeper, And arise from the dead, And Christ will shine on you" (Ephesians 5:14, NASB). He's calling me to life! Wake up and live! Live as you have never lived before!
I had one more thought that occurred to me on my walk. As many of you know, I have been listening to John Piper lately. He says that "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." I believe that. But it also occurred to me that God didn't have to make it so. He could have created the world so that He is most glorified when He makes us robots who simply obey, or any number of other scenarios where He gets all the glory, but we don't get any satisfaction from it.
But He chose not to. He chose to create in a way where He gets all the glory, and we get ultimate joy in Him! That is love. He could have done any number of things, but chose to give us an awesome joy when we abide in Him. Praise be to Him who is so gracious to creatures such as us!
I'm walking to work today, bopping to the music of my "Hope" playlist on my iPod. I should pause here and explain that the reason for the existence of this playlist was to create a list of songs that remind me who God is and what His promises to me are. I was going through a rough patch at work. My boss was trying to make my life at work a living hell, and that's when the playlist was created. Yesterday I added some new songs, and this is what I listened to today.
First I come across Casting Crown's song Who Am I? and hear last line of the chorus (and the song): "I am Yours." And so I say out loud as I am walking, "I am Yours." Because I am. And suddenly I have a flashback to an earlier time. I'm around 16 or 17. I am watching Shirley MacLaine in "Out On A Limb." It's based on her book. She stands on the shore of the Pacific Ocean with her friend and says, "I am God."
And it suddenly struck me how far I have come and how far apart those two statements are: "I am God" and "I am Yours." Once I would have chosen and believed the former. And then God came after me to show me who He is, and tell me who I am. :)
Another song I heard on my iPod today is along these same lines - Beautiful by MercyMe. The chorus reads, in part, "You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His." Yes, I am not God. I belong TO God. I am His.
After "I am Yours" I kept listening and soon another song came on that reminds me of my past, Strength for the Journey. I first heard it sung live my Jesse Manibusan and bought the cassette. It was a promise to me then; it is still a promise today. And listening always takes me back.
After this song was I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack. I realized that this is what God wants for me - to dance! To stop sitting on the sidelines and get up and dance! Pray! Praise! LIVE! "Awake, sleeper, And arise from the dead, And Christ will shine on you" (Ephesians 5:14, NASB). He's calling me to life! Wake up and live! Live as you have never lived before!
I had one more thought that occurred to me on my walk. As many of you know, I have been listening to John Piper lately. He says that "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." I believe that. But it also occurred to me that God didn't have to make it so. He could have created the world so that He is most glorified when He makes us robots who simply obey, or any number of other scenarios where He gets all the glory, but we don't get any satisfaction from it.
But He chose not to. He chose to create in a way where He gets all the glory, and we get ultimate joy in Him! That is love. He could have done any number of things, but chose to give us an awesome joy when we abide in Him. Praise be to Him who is so gracious to creatures such as us!
Sunday, February 06, 2011
When God Rocks Our World
I don't know what is happening. I only know that I have never felt such love for God and such a sweet ache of longing. Something is happening, but it defies words. For someone who loves words, that's frustrating.
I wasn't looking for change. I was quite content with my life the way it was. I didn't need my theological world to be rocked, and I didn't need to be confronted with everything. Or maybe I did. At least God sure thought I needed it.
I didn't ask for God to reveal more of Himself to me. But He chose to do so anyway. Little did I know that this unveiling was simply setting the stage for something else. Because if I had not been studying Reformed theology I never would have gone searching the Desiring God website for more info, I never would have found the "TULIP" series, I never would have watched the video on Perseverance of the Saints, and the aside about the necessity of forgiveness never would have reached my ears.
Those words - not more than a few sentences in length - hit my soul like a semi. It truly TRULY scared me. Through John Piper, the Spirit spoke to me. And it cut me like a knife.
I don't know everything that is going on, but if God wanted to get my attention, He succeeded. It it to my shame to admit it, but I have prayed more in the last two months than in the previous two years.
I have adopted a prayer of John Piper's as my own: "Fix me, change me, alter me, go down, kill me if You can't, but don't let me live out of sync with the Bible! Don't let my heart stay out of sync with the Bible!" Come and change me, God. Make me into a daughter You can be proud of.
These are dangerous prayers, but I think they are the only ones that will make us into people that show how glorious Christ really is. It's God's glory that is at stake, and He will not share it with another.
And that is why, after all my hard work to lose weight, God took away all the control I thought I had. He took it away to show me that He is in control. I was taking glory for myself in what *I* did, in what *I* accomplished. I tried to take God's glory for myself. And so He stripped me down to remind me that all the glory is His.
"For My own sake, for My own sake, I will act;
For how can My name be profaned?
And My glory I will not give to another." -Isaiah 48:11 (NASB)
Help me, Father, to live worthily of being Your child, and give me the power to live out what the Bible says to do. In the final analysis, I really do love You and want to live for You, and I am frustrated that I fail so miserably every day.
Give me power over my eating and drinking, give me power over my unforgiving heart. Give me all of Yourself and never let me be satisfied with anything less. Amen.
I wasn't looking for change. I was quite content with my life the way it was. I didn't need my theological world to be rocked, and I didn't need to be confronted with everything. Or maybe I did. At least God sure thought I needed it.
I didn't ask for God to reveal more of Himself to me. But He chose to do so anyway. Little did I know that this unveiling was simply setting the stage for something else. Because if I had not been studying Reformed theology I never would have gone searching the Desiring God website for more info, I never would have found the "TULIP" series, I never would have watched the video on Perseverance of the Saints, and the aside about the necessity of forgiveness never would have reached my ears.
Those words - not more than a few sentences in length - hit my soul like a semi. It truly TRULY scared me. Through John Piper, the Spirit spoke to me. And it cut me like a knife.
I don't know everything that is going on, but if God wanted to get my attention, He succeeded. It it to my shame to admit it, but I have prayed more in the last two months than in the previous two years.
I have adopted a prayer of John Piper's as my own: "Fix me, change me, alter me, go down, kill me if You can't, but don't let me live out of sync with the Bible! Don't let my heart stay out of sync with the Bible!" Come and change me, God. Make me into a daughter You can be proud of.
These are dangerous prayers, but I think they are the only ones that will make us into people that show how glorious Christ really is. It's God's glory that is at stake, and He will not share it with another.
And that is why, after all my hard work to lose weight, God took away all the control I thought I had. He took it away to show me that He is in control. I was taking glory for myself in what *I* did, in what *I* accomplished. I tried to take God's glory for myself. And so He stripped me down to remind me that all the glory is His.
"For My own sake, for My own sake, I will act;
For how can My name be profaned?
And My glory I will not give to another." -Isaiah 48:11 (NASB)
Help me, Father, to live worthily of being Your child, and give me the power to live out what the Bible says to do. In the final analysis, I really do love You and want to live for You, and I am frustrated that I fail so miserably every day.
Give me power over my eating and drinking, give me power over my unforgiving heart. Give me all of Yourself and never let me be satisfied with anything less. Amen.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
What will I drown my sorrows in?
I admit - I have issues with binge eating and drinking too much, both done to numb my feelings, even if it's just normal daily stress and not anything life shattering.
I am trying hard to get control. I have been trying so hard to fight the binge eating on my own, and the alcohol - who cares? I haven't even attempted control with that (until recently).
I have taken pride in my weight loss and hard work, and so I do believe that the binge eating was given to me to show me that it is not my work and my will that causes weight gain or loss. I have been out of control and unable to control what or how much I eat. I battled it for a year in my own strength (and losing every battle and gaining a ton of weight) before I finally had to admit that I can't beat this on my own.
I have been praying every day for God's help in not eating or drinking too much, trying to make healthier choices, etc., and above all, stopping after a couple glasses of wine and drowning the rest of my sorrows in a John Piper book and prayer.
It isn't easy, but I know it is not God's will for me to drown and be destroyed by these things. He doesn't want them to kill me, so I have confidence that He will help. Maybe not the way I want when I want, but He will help.
God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. His glory is above all, but it is also best for us. And so He will help, and He will overcome, and He will get all the glory
I am trying hard to get control. I have been trying so hard to fight the binge eating on my own, and the alcohol - who cares? I haven't even attempted control with that (until recently).
I have taken pride in my weight loss and hard work, and so I do believe that the binge eating was given to me to show me that it is not my work and my will that causes weight gain or loss. I have been out of control and unable to control what or how much I eat. I battled it for a year in my own strength (and losing every battle and gaining a ton of weight) before I finally had to admit that I can't beat this on my own.
I have been praying every day for God's help in not eating or drinking too much, trying to make healthier choices, etc., and above all, stopping after a couple glasses of wine and drowning the rest of my sorrows in a John Piper book and prayer.
It isn't easy, but I know it is not God's will for me to drown and be destroyed by these things. He doesn't want them to kill me, so I have confidence that He will help. Maybe not the way I want when I want, but He will help.
God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. His glory is above all, but it is also best for us. And so He will help, and He will overcome, and He will get all the glory
Saturday, January 01, 2011
2011 book list
The Bible (chronological, NASB) This has been my project all year - to read the Bible cover-to-cover in chronological order. It's worth it, but it means I got very little else read this year.
Made To Crave by Lysa TerKeurst
When I Don't Desire God: How to Fight for Joy by John Piper
True Story: A Christianity Worth Believing In by James Choung
The King James Only Controversy: Can You Trust Modern Translations? by James White
A Hunger For God: Desiring God through Fasting and Prayer by John Piper
I would recommend all the books except for "True Story." That was a horrible book, and a novel to boot.
Made To Crave by Lysa TerKeurst
When I Don't Desire God: How to Fight for Joy by John Piper
True Story: A Christianity Worth Believing In by James Choung
The King James Only Controversy: Can You Trust Modern Translations? by James White
A Hunger For God: Desiring God through Fasting and Prayer by John Piper
I would recommend all the books except for "True Story." That was a horrible book, and a novel to boot.
Friday, December 31, 2010
God's grace in 2010
I am so thankful at how God has carried me through this year. I have a few observations I want to make.
First, how boss J. went on a rampage against me at the end of 2009, making the beginning of 2010 pretty bad for quite some time. My depression was back, this time clearly situational in nature and nothing my medication could help with. A meeting with someone above him to try to resolve the issue only made him feel more powerful against me.
However, things were happening behind the scenes that I was not privy to, and I now see that what happened was that he was given enough rope to hang himself, and he did that quite well. I ended up vindicated and he was told to lay off on me. The punishments he levied were 95% undone, and I can live with the 5% remaining. So God saw me through that.
Second, I was able to get off my anti-depressant this summer. I was already on the highest allowed dose of Celexa because when I first started getting treatment for my thyroid a year or two ago, the medication made me very edgy and I would cry easily. The doctor raised my dose of Celexa and that took care of that problem.
So this summer I decide that I've long since adjusted to the medication so it's time to go back down to my regular dose. I wean myself off the 60mg back down to 40mg. I felt pretty good so I decided to see if I could go lower without the depression returning. I went down to 30mg and then the starting dose of 20mg and still felt good. Eventually I got myself off completely. I never thought that the depression I have had my whole life was a thyroid issue! Yet on thyroid meds, the depression has resolved along with all the other symptoms. I thank God for exposing the true cause of my depression and getting me on the right medication to combat it.
There was a little edginess I felt after getting off the meds and I am dealing with it through natural means - St. John's Wort and Omega 3 oil. I would like to think that I will be able to stop taking the St. John's Wort and then continue with the Omega 3 oil just because it's healthy. I will probably try that this coming year.
Third, and the pinnacle of joy and grace this year, God opened my eyes and heart to what is classically called Calvinism or Reformed theology. This evolution did not come out of nowhere (though I began talking about it at a very specific point in time). I listened for a long time before I said anything, and during that listening time God worked in my heart to make what used to be repugnant become something beautiful and desirable.
I wrote two notes about this - How this came to be, and It has to be said - so I will not repeat myself here except to say that I am so thankful for His grace. I certainly don't deserve the blessing of knowing Him better, yet He has chosen to reveal a little more of Himself to me. That is pure grace.
I certainly don't understand everything about these doctrines of grace, but I have made a start. Many thanks to the ministry of Dr. James White for introducing my to these topics and getting me to think Biblically. I can now embrace passages and chapters I used to avoid.
Fourth (and connected to point number three), I want to mention that as I searched for information on Reformed theology I came across the ministry of John Piper. More than a source for information, I found his message quite challenging, and he has made me think about God - and sin - in a new way.
It is evident from a handwritten note in my 10th Anniversary Edition of Desiring God that I completely missed the entire point Pastor John tried to make. I noticed the 25th Anniversary Edition is coming out next month, and I think I have grown a bit in the last 14 years of being a Christian. I now understand what he means by "Christian hedonism" and why this truth is both liberating and devastating.
God is calling me to more - to be so satisfied in Him that I will willingly lay aside the false and passing pleasures that compete for His place. I pray that He will help me in this journey. "God is most glorified in us when we are more satisfied in Him." This is the highest goal I - or anyone - can aspire to.
And that leads me to my last point. Some of you may know this and some may not, but I have been fighting Binge Eating Disorder for the last year. My weight has skyrocketed. I have been fighting this in my own strength - and losing. Perhaps God is using this to get me to turn to Him. I cannot overcome this on my own, but "with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26). And so I commend this eating disorder and myself to Him and pray He will help me through this.
Soli Deo gloria!
First, how boss J. went on a rampage against me at the end of 2009, making the beginning of 2010 pretty bad for quite some time. My depression was back, this time clearly situational in nature and nothing my medication could help with. A meeting with someone above him to try to resolve the issue only made him feel more powerful against me.
However, things were happening behind the scenes that I was not privy to, and I now see that what happened was that he was given enough rope to hang himself, and he did that quite well. I ended up vindicated and he was told to lay off on me. The punishments he levied were 95% undone, and I can live with the 5% remaining. So God saw me through that.
Second, I was able to get off my anti-depressant this summer. I was already on the highest allowed dose of Celexa because when I first started getting treatment for my thyroid a year or two ago, the medication made me very edgy and I would cry easily. The doctor raised my dose of Celexa and that took care of that problem.
So this summer I decide that I've long since adjusted to the medication so it's time to go back down to my regular dose. I wean myself off the 60mg back down to 40mg. I felt pretty good so I decided to see if I could go lower without the depression returning. I went down to 30mg and then the starting dose of 20mg and still felt good. Eventually I got myself off completely. I never thought that the depression I have had my whole life was a thyroid issue! Yet on thyroid meds, the depression has resolved along with all the other symptoms. I thank God for exposing the true cause of my depression and getting me on the right medication to combat it.
There was a little edginess I felt after getting off the meds and I am dealing with it through natural means - St. John's Wort and Omega 3 oil. I would like to think that I will be able to stop taking the St. John's Wort and then continue with the Omega 3 oil just because it's healthy. I will probably try that this coming year.
Third, and the pinnacle of joy and grace this year, God opened my eyes and heart to what is classically called Calvinism or Reformed theology. This evolution did not come out of nowhere (though I began talking about it at a very specific point in time). I listened for a long time before I said anything, and during that listening time God worked in my heart to make what used to be repugnant become something beautiful and desirable.
I wrote two notes about this - How this came to be, and It has to be said - so I will not repeat myself here except to say that I am so thankful for His grace. I certainly don't deserve the blessing of knowing Him better, yet He has chosen to reveal a little more of Himself to me. That is pure grace.
I certainly don't understand everything about these doctrines of grace, but I have made a start. Many thanks to the ministry of Dr. James White for introducing my to these topics and getting me to think Biblically. I can now embrace passages and chapters I used to avoid.
Fourth (and connected to point number three), I want to mention that as I searched for information on Reformed theology I came across the ministry of John Piper. More than a source for information, I found his message quite challenging, and he has made me think about God - and sin - in a new way.
It is evident from a handwritten note in my 10th Anniversary Edition of Desiring God that I completely missed the entire point Pastor John tried to make. I noticed the 25th Anniversary Edition is coming out next month, and I think I have grown a bit in the last 14 years of being a Christian. I now understand what he means by "Christian hedonism" and why this truth is both liberating and devastating.
God is calling me to more - to be so satisfied in Him that I will willingly lay aside the false and passing pleasures that compete for His place. I pray that He will help me in this journey. "God is most glorified in us when we are more satisfied in Him." This is the highest goal I - or anyone - can aspire to.
And that leads me to my last point. Some of you may know this and some may not, but I have been fighting Binge Eating Disorder for the last year. My weight has skyrocketed. I have been fighting this in my own strength - and losing. Perhaps God is using this to get me to turn to Him. I cannot overcome this on my own, but "with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26). And so I commend this eating disorder and myself to Him and pray He will help me through this.
Soli Deo gloria!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Who hardened Pharaoh's heart?
Okay, I can't let go of this issue. It all started with Dr. James White critiquing a sermon from Chuck Smith of Calvary Chapel on Romans 9. Romans 9 mentions Pharaoh and so pretty soon we are back in the Exodus story.
Chuck Smith said there are two Hebrew words for "harden." A cursory reading of my study Bible notes only two Hebrew words. However, as Dr. James White indicated, there are actually three Hebrew words used in the Exodus story (one word is used only one time). He contends the three are interchangeable; I am not so sure. (See, I do not just take his word for it; I check it out for myself.)
So here are the verses with their Hebrew words. I'm quoting from the New American Standard Bible. You are welcome to look up these verses in any translation you wish.
Exodus
4:21 - "I will harden Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
7:3 - "I will harden Pharaoh's heart" - qashach (the only time this word is used)
7:13 - "Pharaoh's heart was hardened" - chazaq
7:14 - "Pharaoh's heart is stubborn" - kabed
7:22 - "Pharaoh's heard was hardened" - chazaq
8:15 - "Pharaoh hardened his heart" - kabad
8:19 - "Pharaoh's heart was hardened" - chazaq
8:32 - "Pharaoh's hardened his heart" - kabad
9:7 - "The heart of Pharaoh was hardened" - kabed
9:12 - "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
9:34 - "Pharaoh sinned again and hardened his heart" - kabad
9:35 - "Pharaoh's heart was hardened" - chazaq
10:1 - "Go to Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart" - kabad
10:20 - "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
10:27 - "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
11:10 - "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
14:4 - "Thus I will harden Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
14:8 - "The Lord hardened the heart of Pharaoh" - chazaq
14:17 - "I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians" - chazaq
Chazaq is used 12 times. Strong's entry
Kabad or kabed is used 6 times. Strong's entry
Qashach is used 1 time. Strong's entry
Almost every time Pharaoh hardens his own heart, kabad or kabed is used, though there are exceptions such as 10:1. Every time the text explicitly states that God hardened Pharaoh's heart, chazaq is used. Qashach is used only once in 7:3, and there it is an action of God.
When the text says "Pharaoh's heart was hardened" or "The heart of Pharaoh was hardened" both chazaq and kabad/kabed are used. They may be interchangeable or the author may be using each word to indicate who did the hardening: God (chazaq) or Pharaoh (kabad/kabed). I will admit this is speculation on my part, but this is what I am seeing after finding each Hebrew word and plugging it into the text.
Thoughts or ideas? Did I miss something obvious?
Chuck Smith said there are two Hebrew words for "harden." A cursory reading of my study Bible notes only two Hebrew words. However, as Dr. James White indicated, there are actually three Hebrew words used in the Exodus story (one word is used only one time). He contends the three are interchangeable; I am not so sure. (See, I do not just take his word for it; I check it out for myself.)
So here are the verses with their Hebrew words. I'm quoting from the New American Standard Bible. You are welcome to look up these verses in any translation you wish.
Exodus
4:21 - "I will harden Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
7:3 - "I will harden Pharaoh's heart" - qashach (the only time this word is used)
7:13 - "Pharaoh's heart was hardened" - chazaq
7:14 - "Pharaoh's heart is stubborn" - kabed
7:22 - "Pharaoh's heard was hardened" - chazaq
8:15 - "Pharaoh hardened his heart" - kabad
8:19 - "Pharaoh's heart was hardened" - chazaq
8:32 - "Pharaoh's hardened his heart" - kabad
9:7 - "The heart of Pharaoh was hardened" - kabed
9:12 - "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
9:34 - "Pharaoh sinned again and hardened his heart" - kabad
9:35 - "Pharaoh's heart was hardened" - chazaq
10:1 - "Go to Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart" - kabad
10:20 - "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
10:27 - "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
11:10 - "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
14:4 - "Thus I will harden Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
14:8 - "The Lord hardened the heart of Pharaoh" - chazaq
14:17 - "I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians" - chazaq
Chazaq is used 12 times. Strong's entry
Kabad or kabed is used 6 times. Strong's entry
Qashach is used 1 time. Strong's entry
Almost every time Pharaoh hardens his own heart, kabad or kabed is used, though there are exceptions such as 10:1. Every time the text explicitly states that God hardened Pharaoh's heart, chazaq is used. Qashach is used only once in 7:3, and there it is an action of God.
When the text says "Pharaoh's heart was hardened" or "The heart of Pharaoh was hardened" both chazaq and kabad/kabed are used. They may be interchangeable or the author may be using each word to indicate who did the hardening: God (chazaq) or Pharaoh (kabad/kabed). I will admit this is speculation on my part, but this is what I am seeing after finding each Hebrew word and plugging it into the text.
Thoughts or ideas? Did I miss something obvious?
Thursday, December 02, 2010
It needs to be said
If you are in the dark about what I am talking about in this blog post, please refer to my previous blog post.
I have a few things to say, since some people are not at all happy at what is happening to me. I don't feel the same. I feel excited and exhilerated. This is not the unsure feeling I had as God first drew me to Him. In that case I knew I was safe and in good hands, but was quite unsure who's hands were the good ones anymore. In this case, I not only know I am in good hands, but Whose hands those are. :) This allows me to follow God without fear of where I am being led.
Yes, I do feel that God is showing me something new, bringing me into a truth that would have made me angry not too long ago. That can only be a work of God in my heart, making me open to things that I before found repulsive. Yes, God has used Dr. James White to articulate these things to me, but his words would fall on deaf ears without the work of God.
Quite simply, this is where I feel God is leading me; to not follow would be sin.
I can see these things in the way I came to Christ. Total depravity - that man can only use his will against God? Yes, my initial reaction to the drawing of the Father was to fight back and dig my heels in. I didn't want Him in my life. Irresistible grace? Well, when I got to the point of "choice" I realized there was only one "choice" to make - the one for God. I could not have done anything else. Unconditional election? There was certainly nothing good in me that would cause me to choose God. I was a Pagan worshipping other gods for crying out loud! Only a sovereign God could take out my heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh (Ez. 11:19, 36:26). Only a sovereign God could save me.
I tried to hold onto my Arminian ideas. I did. I wanted to be convinced. That's why I read Chosen But Free by Normal Geisler (the link is to the second edition, which I read; the 3rd edition has just come out). Unfortunately, I don't feel Dr. Geisler made a cogent argument based on Scripture.
After that I read The Potter's Freedom. I feel that Dr. White did a wonderful job of exegeting all the relevant texts, including answering the common proof tests put forward by Arminians. Most of the material was totally new to me; I had no idea that there were answers to these texts! I read it slowly and carefully. The Potter's Freedom, quite literally, rocked my world.
After that I read Debating Calvinism, trying to get, perhaps, a better defense of Arminianism from Mr. Hunt than Dr. Geisler managed. However, once again, I felt that the weight of Scripture was on Dr. White's side. (Here's my Amazon review.)
I'm not writing this to argue. I am simply sharing my heart about what I feel God is doing in my life. I am wowed and humbled that He would not only save me, but reveal Himself to me more and more over time (as He does with all believers).
Please be kind. As friends I only want you to be happy at what I am discovering, not jump on me as if I'm going off into some weird heresy (as some were concerned when I first came to my views on the Sabbath). God didn't lead me astray then (I'm not in some weird cult am I?), and He won't lead me astray now. I only wish to follow Him and His word. There is no other rule for faith and life other than His word, the Bible.
I have a few things to say, since some people are not at all happy at what is happening to me. I don't feel the same. I feel excited and exhilerated. This is not the unsure feeling I had as God first drew me to Him. In that case I knew I was safe and in good hands, but was quite unsure who's hands were the good ones anymore. In this case, I not only know I am in good hands, but Whose hands those are. :) This allows me to follow God without fear of where I am being led.
Yes, I do feel that God is showing me something new, bringing me into a truth that would have made me angry not too long ago. That can only be a work of God in my heart, making me open to things that I before found repulsive. Yes, God has used Dr. James White to articulate these things to me, but his words would fall on deaf ears without the work of God.
Quite simply, this is where I feel God is leading me; to not follow would be sin.
I can see these things in the way I came to Christ. Total depravity - that man can only use his will against God? Yes, my initial reaction to the drawing of the Father was to fight back and dig my heels in. I didn't want Him in my life. Irresistible grace? Well, when I got to the point of "choice" I realized there was only one "choice" to make - the one for God. I could not have done anything else. Unconditional election? There was certainly nothing good in me that would cause me to choose God. I was a Pagan worshipping other gods for crying out loud! Only a sovereign God could take out my heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh (Ez. 11:19, 36:26). Only a sovereign God could save me.
I tried to hold onto my Arminian ideas. I did. I wanted to be convinced. That's why I read Chosen But Free by Normal Geisler (the link is to the second edition, which I read; the 3rd edition has just come out). Unfortunately, I don't feel Dr. Geisler made a cogent argument based on Scripture.
After that I read The Potter's Freedom. I feel that Dr. White did a wonderful job of exegeting all the relevant texts, including answering the common proof tests put forward by Arminians. Most of the material was totally new to me; I had no idea that there were answers to these texts! I read it slowly and carefully. The Potter's Freedom, quite literally, rocked my world.
After that I read Debating Calvinism, trying to get, perhaps, a better defense of Arminianism from Mr. Hunt than Dr. Geisler managed. However, once again, I felt that the weight of Scripture was on Dr. White's side. (Here's my Amazon review.)
I'm not writing this to argue. I am simply sharing my heart about what I feel God is doing in my life. I am wowed and humbled that He would not only save me, but reveal Himself to me more and more over time (as He does with all believers).
Please be kind. As friends I only want you to be happy at what I am discovering, not jump on me as if I'm going off into some weird heresy (as some were concerned when I first came to my views on the Sabbath). God didn't lead me astray then (I'm not in some weird cult am I?), and He won't lead me astray now. I only wish to follow Him and His word. There is no other rule for faith and life other than His word, the Bible.
Monday, November 01, 2010
How this came to be
This is too long to put in a status, so I'll share it in a note. It's, briefly, how I got to where I am today, examining Calvinism.
First, my church is not Calvinistic. My church is a Baptist church with no official position on the matter. My decision to look at this has nothing to do with my church, nothing to do with Brad (who is also a Calvinist), and nothing to do with Mr. Camping, who may be a Calvinist, depending on who you ask - he goes farther and farther into heresy each day. At any rate, they are not to "blame."
Apple is to blame. With my iPod Touch I can listen to thousands of different podcasts. I listen to the "Bible Answer Man" via podcast, for example. And one day I browsed through the various Christian podcasts available via iTunes, looking for something to listen to, and stumbled across "The Dividing Line." I didn't know the guy was Calvinist; I wasn't thinking about that sort of thing at all. But from the first podcast, I was hooked. I don't know what it is about the program that attracted me, but I liked it, and kept listening.
I do a LOT of walking, both for exercise and to save on bus fare. It's a 30 minute walk from my house to the train, and a 30 minute walk from my stop into work. I use this time to listen to podcasts. And so I kept listening to "The Dividing Line," and occasionally he mentioned Calvinist stuff and it made me uncomfortable, but I needed to keep listening. The more I listened, the more sense he made. He critiqued leading "free will" scholars such a Dr. Willian Lane Craig and Dr. Normal Geisler. And he was right. I found myself agreeing more and more, or at the very least going away with a lot to think about.
I heard the spots for his books at the half hour break, including that "The Potter's Freedom" was a response to Dr. Geilser's "Chosen But Free." Well, you can't read a book that is a response until you read what it's responding to, so I went to my local bookstore and got a copy of Chosen But Free. It sat on the bookshelf for a while though, because I wasn't yet ready to get into the topic. I could sense that I was getting ready, but not there yet.
When I did finally pick up the book, hoping to be convinced of my free-will beliefs, I was sorely disappointed. I thought, "Is this the BEST they can offer me?" I struggled through parts of the book, but reading it cover to cover was too...embarrassing. It was not a cogent argument at all. I now understand why Dr. White says that "Chosen But Free" has done more for the cause of Calvinism than Dr. Geisler could have dreamt.
Anyway, after that I picked up "The Potter's Freedom," prepared to set aside anything if someone could just exegete the Scriptures well. I was blown away! Verse by verse, into the Greek, explaining the "proof" tests used to support free will doctrine - I had found a treasure trove, explained in a way I could understand! It literally changed my views and turned my beliefs upside down.
And that, dear readers, is where I find myself now. I *want* to know more, need to know more, want to know more about God. I've been a Christian 14 years, but God is deep enough to spend a lifetime delving into.
As of the time of this writing, I am reading "Debating Calvinism" by James White and Dave Hunt, a written form of a formal debate. I am also scouring YouTube for various videos. You'd be amazed how many people - including White, Hunt, Craig, and Geisler are represented there. Tons of videos, and tons of information. So that is where I'm at - reading and listening and learning, praying for the truth to be revealed, whatever that truth may be.
First, my church is not Calvinistic. My church is a Baptist church with no official position on the matter. My decision to look at this has nothing to do with my church, nothing to do with Brad (who is also a Calvinist), and nothing to do with Mr. Camping, who may be a Calvinist, depending on who you ask - he goes farther and farther into heresy each day. At any rate, they are not to "blame."
Apple is to blame. With my iPod Touch I can listen to thousands of different podcasts. I listen to the "Bible Answer Man" via podcast, for example. And one day I browsed through the various Christian podcasts available via iTunes, looking for something to listen to, and stumbled across "The Dividing Line." I didn't know the guy was Calvinist; I wasn't thinking about that sort of thing at all. But from the first podcast, I was hooked. I don't know what it is about the program that attracted me, but I liked it, and kept listening.
I do a LOT of walking, both for exercise and to save on bus fare. It's a 30 minute walk from my house to the train, and a 30 minute walk from my stop into work. I use this time to listen to podcasts. And so I kept listening to "The Dividing Line," and occasionally he mentioned Calvinist stuff and it made me uncomfortable, but I needed to keep listening. The more I listened, the more sense he made. He critiqued leading "free will" scholars such a Dr. Willian Lane Craig and Dr. Normal Geisler. And he was right. I found myself agreeing more and more, or at the very least going away with a lot to think about.
I heard the spots for his books at the half hour break, including that "The Potter's Freedom" was a response to Dr. Geilser's "Chosen But Free." Well, you can't read a book that is a response until you read what it's responding to, so I went to my local bookstore and got a copy of Chosen But Free. It sat on the bookshelf for a while though, because I wasn't yet ready to get into the topic. I could sense that I was getting ready, but not there yet.
When I did finally pick up the book, hoping to be convinced of my free-will beliefs, I was sorely disappointed. I thought, "Is this the BEST they can offer me?" I struggled through parts of the book, but reading it cover to cover was too...embarrassing. It was not a cogent argument at all. I now understand why Dr. White says that "Chosen But Free" has done more for the cause of Calvinism than Dr. Geisler could have dreamt.
Anyway, after that I picked up "The Potter's Freedom," prepared to set aside anything if someone could just exegete the Scriptures well. I was blown away! Verse by verse, into the Greek, explaining the "proof" tests used to support free will doctrine - I had found a treasure trove, explained in a way I could understand! It literally changed my views and turned my beliefs upside down.
And that, dear readers, is where I find myself now. I *want* to know more, need to know more, want to know more about God. I've been a Christian 14 years, but God is deep enough to spend a lifetime delving into.
As of the time of this writing, I am reading "Debating Calvinism" by James White and Dave Hunt, a written form of a formal debate. I am also scouring YouTube for various videos. You'd be amazed how many people - including White, Hunt, Craig, and Geisler are represented there. Tons of videos, and tons of information. So that is where I'm at - reading and listening and learning, praying for the truth to be revealed, whatever that truth may be.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Obit funny
I received this by e-mail. It is supposedly an actual obituary from a local paper Rome, GA. Whether or not it's real doesn't matter; it just gave me a good laugh.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Update on the insanity
The building owner was working on the apartment as I left to run errands today. I told him about the water bill and that I could not start service until he paid his past due bill on it. I asked about the front door. The current one will be the one we get, but it will be painted, have something put on the bottom to plug the huge gap, and have blinds inside so no one can look through the windows on the door.
The new estimate for the bathroom floor will be Thursday night, and they plan to have everything installed and ready for move in Friday after 5 pm. I have Direct TV coming Saturday afternoon so the TV and table need to be moved first. I asked about the Direct TV and he said to leave the old dish up, and that there was a pipe on the roof to clamp the new dish to.
I thanked the owner again for the mirrored closet doors in the living room. They look really nice, now I have a full length mirror to see my whole fat self in, and they make the room look bigger. I asked about the key and he gave me the house key, so now I can access both apartment.
In related news, I have Sunday off and Brad and I both have Monday off. I got Monday off when - of all people - boss J. offered to fill in. I took him up on it, but he never offers to fill in, so I thought it odd. I don't know the whole story, but it seems that boss J. got talked to, and one of the things they told him is to actually do some work, like filling in when people need shifts covered. J. has always maintained that working night and overnights messes him up because his sleep schedule is thrown off. Poor baby now has to work just like the rest of us! I have stayed until 3 a.m. countless times to fill half of the overnight girl's shift.
On Internet service, Earthlink can not provide me with cable on stand-alone DSL service. I have to keep my home phone. I'm sick of paying so much when I have no need of a home phone. It took an hour and a half on the phone to determine this. They said I need to contact my local phone provider to move the service. I thought my provider was AT&T, but they say they aren't. Brad plugged in my home phone and called information for the provider and I was given the name of a company that I've never heard of. I called, but they were closed for the day.
Since Earthlink can't give me what I need, I'm switching companies. I signed up with AT&T for high speed Internet with no home phone. More expensive in the short term since I have to buy the modem ($75), but the monthly rates for the first 12 months are much lower, and no contract! I'll drop the home phone at the end of the month, as well as drop Earthlink.
I have been with Earthlink for ages and a lot of Web pages that I have put together are housed on their servers. These will no longer be available of course. My church's Web site is included in this, so now I will have to find a new place to house it, plus a ton of images I use are housed on Earthlink's servers.
No update on a new e-mail address yet. I'll let everyone know when I have one. For now the Earthlink one (mindspring.com) is still good.
I'll update more when I figure out more!
The new estimate for the bathroom floor will be Thursday night, and they plan to have everything installed and ready for move in Friday after 5 pm. I have Direct TV coming Saturday afternoon so the TV and table need to be moved first. I asked about the Direct TV and he said to leave the old dish up, and that there was a pipe on the roof to clamp the new dish to.
I thanked the owner again for the mirrored closet doors in the living room. They look really nice, now I have a full length mirror to see my whole fat self in, and they make the room look bigger. I asked about the key and he gave me the house key, so now I can access both apartment.
In related news, I have Sunday off and Brad and I both have Monday off. I got Monday off when - of all people - boss J. offered to fill in. I took him up on it, but he never offers to fill in, so I thought it odd. I don't know the whole story, but it seems that boss J. got talked to, and one of the things they told him is to actually do some work, like filling in when people need shifts covered. J. has always maintained that working night and overnights messes him up because his sleep schedule is thrown off. Poor baby now has to work just like the rest of us! I have stayed until 3 a.m. countless times to fill half of the overnight girl's shift.
On Internet service, Earthlink can not provide me with cable on stand-alone DSL service. I have to keep my home phone. I'm sick of paying so much when I have no need of a home phone. It took an hour and a half on the phone to determine this. They said I need to contact my local phone provider to move the service. I thought my provider was AT&T, but they say they aren't. Brad plugged in my home phone and called information for the provider and I was given the name of a company that I've never heard of. I called, but they were closed for the day.
Since Earthlink can't give me what I need, I'm switching companies. I signed up with AT&T for high speed Internet with no home phone. More expensive in the short term since I have to buy the modem ($75), but the monthly rates for the first 12 months are much lower, and no contract! I'll drop the home phone at the end of the month, as well as drop Earthlink.
I have been with Earthlink for ages and a lot of Web pages that I have put together are housed on their servers. These will no longer be available of course. My church's Web site is included in this, so now I will have to find a new place to house it, plus a ton of images I use are housed on Earthlink's servers.
No update on a new e-mail address yet. I'll let everyone know when I have one. For now the Earthlink one (mindspring.com) is still good.
I'll update more when I figure out more!
Monday, May 03, 2010
Stop the insanity!
So I should probably check in with an update on what's going on with me. Brad and I are getting ready to move into Apt. 1 at the end of the week. It's a one bedroom and will be a good replacement for our current tiny studio. It's in the same building, just three apartments down.
There are some problems, most notably that I can't get water service started until the owner calls the water company and clears up the billing issue he has with them. Um...why hasn't this been done already? I got the gas and electric and the Direct TV transferred. Still have to call Earthlink to deal with the Internet.
Brad is once again (as usual) behind in what he owes me. He owes me a paltry $100 rent for May, plus roughly $100 in utilities. He owes me at least $100 for May. not counting his rent increase when we move, plus another $80 in utilities that have accrued. I have yet to see a dime, and lets not even go into the medical bills that I owe - $80 for my recent blood tests, plus whatever the doctor appointment comes to. How can I pay when he won't pay me?!?
My weight is now at about 175 - yes, 175 pounds on my 5'7" frame puts me firmly in the overweight range. I fasted for three straight days last week (a new record!), but it didn't seem to help. I don't know how I'm going to lose the weight because I am so hungry all the time. Plus, TOM is here again with is making my tummy upset and makes me crave bagels and crackers. I would kill to lose 50 pounds.
Haven't been making it to the gym lately - it's always something. Today the bus didn't show up. I catch the bus where the line starts and stops. No bus means a half hour wait for the next one. I called Brad to complain and he said he needed to leave and I could come in early and get some overtime. I jumped at the chance.
I am getting exercise. I pretty much walk everywhere instead of taking the bus. Getting to work involves an hour of walking so exercise is not an issue.
I'll try to update more regularly and there is more stuff I have to rant about, like welfare moms, apostasy, and the death of an old Pagan friend, but those are for another post.
There are some problems, most notably that I can't get water service started until the owner calls the water company and clears up the billing issue he has with them. Um...why hasn't this been done already? I got the gas and electric and the Direct TV transferred. Still have to call Earthlink to deal with the Internet.
Brad is once again (as usual) behind in what he owes me. He owes me a paltry $100 rent for May, plus roughly $100 in utilities. He owes me at least $100 for May. not counting his rent increase when we move, plus another $80 in utilities that have accrued. I have yet to see a dime, and lets not even go into the medical bills that I owe - $80 for my recent blood tests, plus whatever the doctor appointment comes to. How can I pay when he won't pay me?!?
My weight is now at about 175 - yes, 175 pounds on my 5'7" frame puts me firmly in the overweight range. I fasted for three straight days last week (a new record!), but it didn't seem to help. I don't know how I'm going to lose the weight because I am so hungry all the time. Plus, TOM is here again with is making my tummy upset and makes me crave bagels and crackers. I would kill to lose 50 pounds.
Haven't been making it to the gym lately - it's always something. Today the bus didn't show up. I catch the bus where the line starts and stops. No bus means a half hour wait for the next one. I called Brad to complain and he said he needed to leave and I could come in early and get some overtime. I jumped at the chance.
I am getting exercise. I pretty much walk everywhere instead of taking the bus. Getting to work involves an hour of walking so exercise is not an issue.
I'll try to update more regularly and there is more stuff I have to rant about, like welfare moms, apostasy, and the death of an old Pagan friend, but those are for another post.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Work, and diet news
Boss J. finally gave me my Internet privileges back - mostly. I'm still banned between 5 and 7 pm for the Open Forum program, but I can live with that. I got my privileges back last week after an incident with Open Forum. I followed the procedure to the T - putting it in the notes, e-mailing J. at both his home and work addresses, and calling him on his cell phone and letting him know. That was Monday last week. The next day he took me aside and said I could have the Internet again except between 5 and 7, the way it was before. I've been banned between 5 and 7 for ages now.
Stess is still high and will remain high as long as he is boss and that isn't going to change.
Diet-wise I am doing horrible. I have a terrible addiction to carbs that sabotages me every Wednesday, and that continues into binging every Thursday. Wednesday is day 4 of eating low-carb since I always restart on Sunday, and that's when liver glycogen is low and the cravings get bad.
I'm not sure what to do except to buckle down and do very low-carb like Induction. Perhaps I won't count calories and will eat a chicken or cans of tuna over salad with the zero calories Walden Farms dressing. If I can break the addiction I have a much better chance of getting my calories under control.
What is clear it that my current plan is failing, and I'm pissed. Cynthia has decided to restart Jorge Cruise's diet (good for her!), but she is saying horrible things about Atkins. Every day it's some new half truth or outright lie, such as equating ketosis with ketoacidosis (they are very different conditions!). I'm pissed enough to actually restart Atkins seriously with a very low-carb detox period. If I don't count calories at first I might actually survive the cravings.
Perhaps I will log what I eat every day on Facebook. In the right hand column you will find the link to my Facebook profile.
Wish me luck!
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4956 (20100318) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
Stess is still high and will remain high as long as he is boss and that isn't going to change.
Diet-wise I am doing horrible. I have a terrible addiction to carbs that sabotages me every Wednesday, and that continues into binging every Thursday. Wednesday is day 4 of eating low-carb since I always restart on Sunday, and that's when liver glycogen is low and the cravings get bad.
I'm not sure what to do except to buckle down and do very low-carb like Induction. Perhaps I won't count calories and will eat a chicken or cans of tuna over salad with the zero calories Walden Farms dressing. If I can break the addiction I have a much better chance of getting my calories under control.
What is clear it that my current plan is failing, and I'm pissed. Cynthia has decided to restart Jorge Cruise's diet (good for her!), but she is saying horrible things about Atkins. Every day it's some new half truth or outright lie, such as equating ketosis with ketoacidosis (they are very different conditions!). I'm pissed enough to actually restart Atkins seriously with a very low-carb detox period. If I don't count calories at first I might actually survive the cravings.
Perhaps I will log what I eat every day on Facebook. In the right hand column you will find the link to my Facebook profile.
Wish me luck!
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4956 (20100318) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
My Armour journey
Monday, May 3, 2010
I saw the doctor on April 23. I got him to raise my natural thyroid dose from 2 1/2 grains to 3 grains. I'll start the new dose when I run out of the old, which will be later this week. I told the doctor I'd return in six months and have a blood test form so I can get tests before I go in again. I'm not going to have TSH tested. A below normal TSH in my permanent file could be a problem if I need another doctor. Best not to test it anymore.
Anyway, so I will be taking 3 grains of natural thyroid a day plus 50mcg of levothyroxine, and take 100mcg one day a week.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
I have my latest thyroid results back. I don't have them in front of me. Best as I can remember my TSH was 0.02. This is below range, but I don't feel well if it's higher. My Free T3 was around 310 or 320 (a good place), and my Free T4 was 0.7, which is out of range on the low side, with 0.8 being the low end.
I talked to some people on About.com's thyroid board and we decided it was the timing of my dosing. I have been taking 100mcg of levothyroxine on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Of course, I take my natural thyroid med every day.
I had the test on a Friday before taking my medication, so the last dose of the T4 med would have been 48 hours before. That's why it probably came back low. I'm going to ask my doc for 50mcg pills. I hate cutting the 100s, and taking it every other day is giving me wacky test results.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Wow, I haven't updated this in a while! I'm almost out of Armour and will switch to compounded natural thyroid after that.
I am feeling lots better. I haven't had blood tests yet, but I think they will be much improved.
My legs hardly ever get bruises now, and even my period is trying to happen. It started Saturday, but is dribbling more than flowing. I haven't had a period in nearly three years, so this is big. I know my body has lots of healing to do what with my thyroid hormones being so low for so long. Who knew thyroid hormones could effect your monthly cycle (along with fertility I would add).
Anyway, so thing are better. I think this combination of 150mg natural thyroid along with 50mcg levothyroxine might just be my "sweet spot." :)
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Overall I am feeling lots better - more energy. I think the combo of 150mg desiccated thyroid along with 50mcg levothyroxine is really helping. I'll need blood tests to see the exact numbers, but I am generally feeling better.
The tiredness in the last entry resolved itself after a couple of days.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I felt pretty good yesterday and am worn out today. I had to change my Armour dosage around since the new pills don't cut well. My the current pills I'm using I need to take 2 1/2 a day, so yesterday I took three (hence more energy), and today I took two (hence less energy). The half life of the active T3 is only a fraction of the T4, but there's nothing I can do about that until these pills are gone. After this I am going on the compounded stuff I bought and those pills cut quite well.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I've been very tired this week. It's been about 6 weeks since my dose was raised at the end of August and I'm hitting the inevitable crash. Monday I had a hard time working out, especially weight training. Today was even worse. I felt I had no strength and decided to not even attempt weight training. I settled for one hour of cardio on one of the new ellipticals and then the 30 minute walk to work.
Why why why do I crash after 6 weeks on Armour? I know it must have to do with the T3, but what the heck is going on? Last time I crashed I had a doctor appointment and he raised me dose and I felt better again, but with Armour is short supply I have no doctor appointment upcoming. I need to be a a stable dose of one type of Armour for 6 weeks before I can even think about getting a blood test. I just want to feel better.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The bruising gets worse. On Monday I noticed tiny bruises all over both my thighs, in addition to the big one on my left calf. I don't know how they got there, but there are several and they are quite unsightly. I wish the bruising would get better. :(
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I somehow managed to get a big bruise on my left calf and I don't know how. It a stupid symptom of my thyroid disease. It's not one of the most common symptom, but unexplained bruising is a symptom. And it's just my legs that bruise - no other part of me - which is the way it works.
The bruising is a lot better than it used to be now that I'm on meds, but my levels still aren't where they should be, so some bruising still occurs. All I can think it that I kicked my calf with my right boot during the hike. I sometimes do that if I have an itch. Perhaps because I was wearing the boot and not regular tennis shoes it hit harder than normal and caused a bruise.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Friday Brad and I drove out to San Ramon to get my thyroid meds. They gave me 50 pills for about $50, but I only have to take 1/2 a pill a day so it will last me more than 3 months.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I found a compounding pharmacy to get my thyroid meds at. They had to contact my doctor, but they have the inside line and got right through. They are going to give me 50 300mg pills. Since I take 150mg a day, I'll cut them in half and they will last me 3 months. :) Yay! I thought for sure I was going to have to go to Cytomel which is $1 per pill. This is half that cost! :)
I talked to Brad and we will drive out there tomorrow to pick it up. Today I got the check for the vacation day I cashed in. I'll deposit that and use it for groceries and use the cash Brad gave me today to pay for the meds.
Monday, August 25, 2009 (Day 75)
I saw the doctor last Friday. He raised my Armour dose to 150mg (1 1/2 grains). He said adding some levothyroxine to the mix was a good idea and prescribed me the 50mcg I already started taking.
I think I found some Armour the the CVS drug store near my house, but they won't do what Walgreens did and give me 60s and 90s to equal my new 150mg dose. I called the doctor's office today and they said the doctor would be in tomorrow and they would see about calling in a prescription for 60s and 90s.
Feeling pretty energetic today. :) Must be the extra T3 in the higher dose of Armour.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009 (Day 68)
I'm trying to get ahold of enough Armour thyroid medication to last me through this shortage. I bought out the remaining stock at Walgreens. They only have the 60s which means taking two a day. At first they said they gave me 60 pills last week so I only had 40 remaining. I argued that since I have to take two I should get 80 pills. They finally listened and gave me 80. That's enough for 40 days, plus the 30 days worth I have at home. I called around to other pharmacies to see if anybody had more. One had a few 90s in stock, but only a few; the rest only had 30s and 60s. I may have to switch to Nature-thyroid. With the prescription plan ($35 a year) at Walgreens it would run me about $12 a month. I'm seeing the doctor this Friday and not sure what to do. Armour is completely unavailable.
Thursday, August 12, 2009 (Day 62)
I was at Walgreens checking on their prescription plan regarding Cytomel, but it's still too expensive for me. However, they do have some of the old Armour. It's more expensive from them and I don't want to take the old stuff since I started on the new, but they can give me one month's worth of the 60mg pills and I'd take two a day (60 pills total). That may buy me enough time for Forrest Pharmaceuticals to catch up on the Armour backlog.
There's a lot of stress in my life right now and with the 50mcg levo I added I'm getting pissed easily. :-p
Sunday, August 9, 2009 (Day 59)
My blood tests showed my Free T3 at about 22% of the range, but my Free T4 dropped from 30% to 10%, so as of yesterday I am adding 50mcg of levothyroxine to my Armour prescription to try to get the Free T4 up. With both my numbers still so low however, I think I need a higher dose of Armour as well.
The other problem is that Armour is unavailable until September and I will run out before then. NOT GOOD.
Monday, August 3, 2009 (Day 53)
I've been on 120mg of Armour for over 7 weeks now. I have been feeling poorly of late. I blamed my weird feeling Saturday on my meltdown Friday, and my weird feeling Sunday on drinking too much on Saturday. I feel tired and lethargic. It's as if the Armour puts me into overdrive and now I am crashing. It is not a pleasant feeling at all. I feel like I am in a "pre-coffee" haze 24/7.
I had my thyroid blood tests done today instead of going to the gym, and will have the results by the end of the week.
Monday, July 27, 2009 (Day 46)
Not feeling as good as I did at first. Perhaps I am just getting used to having more energy. I still feel better than I did before at least. I do wish the moodiness would go away, as well as the bruises on my legs. They have come and gone since I first started on levothyroxine, but have never completely disappeared. I still get new ones, just not as bad as before medication.
Sunday, July 18, 2009 (Day 37)
Brad admits that I do have more energy on Armour, but says that I anger a bit easier and am a bit more visceral in my anger. I guess he means by this that I don't have any true reason for my anger and little things will set me off. It's a good observation and I think he's got some good points. I hope this will diminish over time as I adjust to the med.
Monday, July 6, 2009 (Day 24)
Felt good at the gym today - pretty strong. Last Wednesday I felt like I pooped out partly through my cardio, but today I was going strong and wanted to go longer. Unfortunately, time was an issue so I had to stop.
Thursday, July 2, 2009 (Day 20)
I'm feeling more warn down and edgy, having trouble sleeping - bad symptoms. I'll keep sticking it out, but I need more quality rest and hate being so pissy to Brad.
Monday, June 29, 2009 (Day 17)
Made it to the gym today. I really do have more overall energy on the Armour and feel more awake, not as run down and tired. I really think the T3 it has might be the answer!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009 (Day 12)
Made it to the gym today to make a total of two days this week. I was tired after, but felt okay during my workout.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009 (Day 11)
It's been over a week now and I think I am adjusting. The first few days were the worst, but now I seem to feel a bit more energy overall.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009 (Day 5)
Feel kind of tired today and muddy-headed. Not sure if it's from real tiredness or too much sleep.
Tuesday, June 16, 209 (Day 4)
First gym session since starting Armour. Felt okay. Pretty much the same strength-wise. Seemed to be able to work out a litter harder on cardio.
Monday, June 15, 2009 (Day 3)
Felt kinda hyper. Wanted to do jumping jacks or run in place to burn off the energy (but I didn't).
Sunday, June 14, 2009 (Day 2)
Got a reasonable amount of sleep last night. Completely wiped out. I drank a double skinny latte and then leaned back in my chair at work, put my feet up, and promptly fell asleep (!!!). I awoke a few times by the computer dinging or Brad calling but managed to fall back asleep. I had to come into work early and punched in about 10:30 am. I don't know when I fell asleep, but before I knew it it was 2 pm! Had trouble falling asleep that night.
Saturday, June 13, 2009 (Day 1)
Was tired from a lack of sleep the night before. Took my very first Armour dose in the afternoon when I picked it up. Felt fine the rest of the day. :)
I saw the doctor on April 23. I got him to raise my natural thyroid dose from 2 1/2 grains to 3 grains. I'll start the new dose when I run out of the old, which will be later this week. I told the doctor I'd return in six months and have a blood test form so I can get tests before I go in again. I'm not going to have TSH tested. A below normal TSH in my permanent file could be a problem if I need another doctor. Best not to test it anymore.
Anyway, so I will be taking 3 grains of natural thyroid a day plus 50mcg of levothyroxine, and take 100mcg one day a week.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
I have my latest thyroid results back. I don't have them in front of me. Best as I can remember my TSH was 0.02. This is below range, but I don't feel well if it's higher. My Free T3 was around 310 or 320 (a good place), and my Free T4 was 0.7, which is out of range on the low side, with 0.8 being the low end.
I talked to some people on About.com's thyroid board and we decided it was the timing of my dosing. I have been taking 100mcg of levothyroxine on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Of course, I take my natural thyroid med every day.
I had the test on a Friday before taking my medication, so the last dose of the T4 med would have been 48 hours before. That's why it probably came back low. I'm going to ask my doc for 50mcg pills. I hate cutting the 100s, and taking it every other day is giving me wacky test results.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Wow, I haven't updated this in a while! I'm almost out of Armour and will switch to compounded natural thyroid after that.
I am feeling lots better. I haven't had blood tests yet, but I think they will be much improved.
My legs hardly ever get bruises now, and even my period is trying to happen. It started Saturday, but is dribbling more than flowing. I haven't had a period in nearly three years, so this is big. I know my body has lots of healing to do what with my thyroid hormones being so low for so long. Who knew thyroid hormones could effect your monthly cycle (along with fertility I would add).
Anyway, so thing are better. I think this combination of 150mg natural thyroid along with 50mcg levothyroxine might just be my "sweet spot." :)
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Overall I am feeling lots better - more energy. I think the combo of 150mg desiccated thyroid along with 50mcg levothyroxine is really helping. I'll need blood tests to see the exact numbers, but I am generally feeling better.
The tiredness in the last entry resolved itself after a couple of days.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I felt pretty good yesterday and am worn out today. I had to change my Armour dosage around since the new pills don't cut well. My the current pills I'm using I need to take 2 1/2 a day, so yesterday I took three (hence more energy), and today I took two (hence less energy). The half life of the active T3 is only a fraction of the T4, but there's nothing I can do about that until these pills are gone. After this I am going on the compounded stuff I bought and those pills cut quite well.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I've been very tired this week. It's been about 6 weeks since my dose was raised at the end of August and I'm hitting the inevitable crash. Monday I had a hard time working out, especially weight training. Today was even worse. I felt I had no strength and decided to not even attempt weight training. I settled for one hour of cardio on one of the new ellipticals and then the 30 minute walk to work.
Why why why do I crash after 6 weeks on Armour? I know it must have to do with the T3, but what the heck is going on? Last time I crashed I had a doctor appointment and he raised me dose and I felt better again, but with Armour is short supply I have no doctor appointment upcoming. I need to be a a stable dose of one type of Armour for 6 weeks before I can even think about getting a blood test. I just want to feel better.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The bruising gets worse. On Monday I noticed tiny bruises all over both my thighs, in addition to the big one on my left calf. I don't know how they got there, but there are several and they are quite unsightly. I wish the bruising would get better. :(
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I somehow managed to get a big bruise on my left calf and I don't know how. It a stupid symptom of my thyroid disease. It's not one of the most common symptom, but unexplained bruising is a symptom. And it's just my legs that bruise - no other part of me - which is the way it works.The bruising is a lot better than it used to be now that I'm on meds, but my levels still aren't where they should be, so some bruising still occurs. All I can think it that I kicked my calf with my right boot during the hike. I sometimes do that if I have an itch. Perhaps because I was wearing the boot and not regular tennis shoes it hit harder than normal and caused a bruise.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Friday Brad and I drove out to San Ramon to get my thyroid meds. They gave me 50 pills for about $50, but I only have to take 1/2 a pill a day so it will last me more than 3 months.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I found a compounding pharmacy to get my thyroid meds at. They had to contact my doctor, but they have the inside line and got right through. They are going to give me 50 300mg pills. Since I take 150mg a day, I'll cut them in half and they will last me 3 months. :) Yay! I thought for sure I was going to have to go to Cytomel which is $1 per pill. This is half that cost! :)
I talked to Brad and we will drive out there tomorrow to pick it up. Today I got the check for the vacation day I cashed in. I'll deposit that and use it for groceries and use the cash Brad gave me today to pay for the meds.
Monday, August 25, 2009 (Day 75)
I saw the doctor last Friday. He raised my Armour dose to 150mg (1 1/2 grains). He said adding some levothyroxine to the mix was a good idea and prescribed me the 50mcg I already started taking.
I think I found some Armour the the CVS drug store near my house, but they won't do what Walgreens did and give me 60s and 90s to equal my new 150mg dose. I called the doctor's office today and they said the doctor would be in tomorrow and they would see about calling in a prescription for 60s and 90s.
Feeling pretty energetic today. :) Must be the extra T3 in the higher dose of Armour.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009 (Day 68)
I'm trying to get ahold of enough Armour thyroid medication to last me through this shortage. I bought out the remaining stock at Walgreens. They only have the 60s which means taking two a day. At first they said they gave me 60 pills last week so I only had 40 remaining. I argued that since I have to take two I should get 80 pills. They finally listened and gave me 80. That's enough for 40 days, plus the 30 days worth I have at home. I called around to other pharmacies to see if anybody had more. One had a few 90s in stock, but only a few; the rest only had 30s and 60s. I may have to switch to Nature-thyroid. With the prescription plan ($35 a year) at Walgreens it would run me about $12 a month. I'm seeing the doctor this Friday and not sure what to do. Armour is completely unavailable.
Thursday, August 12, 2009 (Day 62)
I was at Walgreens checking on their prescription plan regarding Cytomel, but it's still too expensive for me. However, they do have some of the old Armour. It's more expensive from them and I don't want to take the old stuff since I started on the new, but they can give me one month's worth of the 60mg pills and I'd take two a day (60 pills total). That may buy me enough time for Forrest Pharmaceuticals to catch up on the Armour backlog.
There's a lot of stress in my life right now and with the 50mcg levo I added I'm getting pissed easily. :-p
Sunday, August 9, 2009 (Day 59)
My blood tests showed my Free T3 at about 22% of the range, but my Free T4 dropped from 30% to 10%, so as of yesterday I am adding 50mcg of levothyroxine to my Armour prescription to try to get the Free T4 up. With both my numbers still so low however, I think I need a higher dose of Armour as well.
The other problem is that Armour is unavailable until September and I will run out before then. NOT GOOD.
Monday, August 3, 2009 (Day 53)
I've been on 120mg of Armour for over 7 weeks now. I have been feeling poorly of late. I blamed my weird feeling Saturday on my meltdown Friday, and my weird feeling Sunday on drinking too much on Saturday. I feel tired and lethargic. It's as if the Armour puts me into overdrive and now I am crashing. It is not a pleasant feeling at all. I feel like I am in a "pre-coffee" haze 24/7.
I had my thyroid blood tests done today instead of going to the gym, and will have the results by the end of the week.
Monday, July 27, 2009 (Day 46)
Not feeling as good as I did at first. Perhaps I am just getting used to having more energy. I still feel better than I did before at least. I do wish the moodiness would go away, as well as the bruises on my legs. They have come and gone since I first started on levothyroxine, but have never completely disappeared. I still get new ones, just not as bad as before medication.
Sunday, July 18, 2009 (Day 37)
Brad admits that I do have more energy on Armour, but says that I anger a bit easier and am a bit more visceral in my anger. I guess he means by this that I don't have any true reason for my anger and little things will set me off. It's a good observation and I think he's got some good points. I hope this will diminish over time as I adjust to the med.
Monday, July 6, 2009 (Day 24)
Felt good at the gym today - pretty strong. Last Wednesday I felt like I pooped out partly through my cardio, but today I was going strong and wanted to go longer. Unfortunately, time was an issue so I had to stop.
Thursday, July 2, 2009 (Day 20)
I'm feeling more warn down and edgy, having trouble sleeping - bad symptoms. I'll keep sticking it out, but I need more quality rest and hate being so pissy to Brad.
Monday, June 29, 2009 (Day 17)
Made it to the gym today. I really do have more overall energy on the Armour and feel more awake, not as run down and tired. I really think the T3 it has might be the answer!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009 (Day 12)
Made it to the gym today to make a total of two days this week. I was tired after, but felt okay during my workout.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009 (Day 11)
It's been over a week now and I think I am adjusting. The first few days were the worst, but now I seem to feel a bit more energy overall.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009 (Day 5)
Feel kind of tired today and muddy-headed. Not sure if it's from real tiredness or too much sleep.
Tuesday, June 16, 209 (Day 4)
First gym session since starting Armour. Felt okay. Pretty much the same strength-wise. Seemed to be able to work out a litter harder on cardio.
Monday, June 15, 2009 (Day 3)
Felt kinda hyper. Wanted to do jumping jacks or run in place to burn off the energy (but I didn't).
Sunday, June 14, 2009 (Day 2)
Got a reasonable amount of sleep last night. Completely wiped out. I drank a double skinny latte and then leaned back in my chair at work, put my feet up, and promptly fell asleep (!!!). I awoke a few times by the computer dinging or Brad calling but managed to fall back asleep. I had to come into work early and punched in about 10:30 am. I don't know when I fell asleep, but before I knew it it was 2 pm! Had trouble falling asleep that night.
Saturday, June 13, 2009 (Day 1)
Was tired from a lack of sleep the night before. Took my very first Armour dose in the afternoon when I picked it up. Felt fine the rest of the day. :)
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