The Table

The table....the table...it all has to do with the TABLE. This isn't just "Please forgive me Lord and thank You." It starts there, and cleansing feels good, but the table! That's the exciting thing to me. I have only to truly confess, and He is asking me to the table!

Agh! I can't put it into words. *bangs fist on desk* It all has to do with the table!

[Edit, 2 hours later.]I think I've figured out a bit of how to put this into words. It's not just about forgiveness, but restoration. That's what the table symbolized to me today.

My last two weeks

Ok, it all started about 3 weeks ago. I mentioned in an e-mail to the group about the letter to God my counselor told me to write. It was a very angry letter. I said things I knew I shouldn't say, but she told me to speak my mind, and I did!
Less that a week later I was at taize. After I had come back from praying at the cross, I returned to my seat on the floor (I prefer to sit on the floor at taize), and felt an overwhelming urge to bow before Him. So I did. Right there where I sat. He didn't speak. I hardly said anything except to tell Him that my heart was not completely right with Him, so how could He be asking me to bow before Him?

And then I laid down just as an unfamiliar chant began. I don't remember how it went, only that it had to do with God's presence and gaze enfolding us. I almost felt like I was lying in His hand. I could have stayed there all night, just as I could have stayed bowed before Him all night. It was one of those magic moments when time touches eternity, and you are refreshed, with a renewed belief in His love for you, and a renewed hope that even the darkest night will end. It is one of those moments when I can believe that He is GOOD.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was talking to Theotwelve on IM when I realized something. I've known it forever, but at that moment I really KNEW it for the first time. In all the hell I've been through the past 18 months (and counting), He is trying to accomplish something good. He is trying to set me free! I can see how bound I have been by fear and circumstances. Through the Zoloft He is helping me to deal with the fear, though I know I will never be well without counseling and His active Presence. I can finally see some bonds being loosed...slowly, but it is happening.

I am beginning to understand now that He didn't want to hurt me as He did, but there was no other way to get my attention (a fact I will freely attest to), and that His ultimate purpose was good. I couldn't see that at the time, but I see it now. I would never go back to the way things were before He wounded me. I've come too far and am just glimpsing light and freedom on this side I never dreamed possible. (And I've barely started down this long path!) I am coming to understand--to really KNOW--what God means when He says He will hurt His people, and then promises to bind their wounds up. What a glorious vision!

And, for the icing on the cake, my counseling session today. I told my counselor about how I had written the angry letter to God and then less than a week later had God touch me at taize. I was thinking that He touched me IN SPITE of what I had written. My counselor thought their was a correlation between the two events, and I realized that what she was saying was that He touched me BECAUSE of what I'd written! Wow! What a vision of God! A God who loves me so much that when I lash out in anger, He reaches back in love (come to think of it, this is par for the course with Him).

Anyway, I wanted to share all that. It's been quite a ride here. I have also worked through a lot of my intellectual questions with Lee Strobel's "The Case For Faith." And also the communion question--don't know if I told the e-mail group about that or not. Theotwelve was a big help and I shared our IM conversation with my pastor who told me Ted was right in what he said. So I guess I will take communion next time I have the chance.

Further Communion Thoughts

When I went to make coffee this morning, I found my mail, with two good arrivals - Hole in the Stone magazine, and a letter from Sc. (of Sc. and Su.). I opened the magazine straight away and looked for my article. It was there ! Then I remembered my letter to the editor. I looked, and it was there, too! Cut a bit, but it had all the important stuff.

I also called Charles Scott about last night. He said to only call in emergency, and this was not exactly, but I did need to talk to someone. We talking for about 1 1/2 hours I think. (I get special rates on weekends.) He gave me his idea of communion, and I told him why I wanted to take it.

The upshot of the call, the magazine arriving (with my Coming Home to Wicca article in it), and having a night to sleep on it, is that taking communion last night would have been wrong. I am not Christian; I am Wiccan, and Wiccan I shall remain. With the magazine arriving today my resolve was strengthened. This doesn't mean I'm setting aside Christianity, though. The search must go on. I think I just got caught up in the moment, and my tiredness didn't help.

I feel bad for making a fool out of myself in front of Paul, and for getting caught up in the moment. I will try to avoid future repeats. I will try to be more of who I am - a Wiccan.

If God wants me, He'll have to try harder. I will study the Bible still, but I am tired of actively looking so hard. Maybe I'll stop praying to Jehovah, or only pray for Christian friends. No more events - the energies always suck me in. I've got "cakes and wine." This should be good enough for me. This is my communion.

He's calling me away from someone who I love with all my heart - the Goddess. And I feel like I've lost touch with Her. This may be why I'm being drawn to Jehovah - it's another living presence to draw from. I must find a way to reconnect with Her, and make the need for Him no longer necessary.

Communion

Easter

The pull is back a little today between the Forum (X-tianity covered among other things) and reconsidering last night's beautiful service. The pageantry of everything last night had a distinctly Pagan flavor to it, and in many ways made me feel at home, especially in retrospect.

After church today there is a communion service in the chapel. I feel a strong need to check it out, though not necessarily participate. And yet, here I am trying very hard not to talk to Jehovah, and I find myself seriously thinking about taking communion. What is happening?

I still hate the Christian God - I think - yet there is a softening taking place within the hate. And what's this? My typo above - I began to write, "I still have the Christian God" instead of "I still hate the Christian God," even though I was thinking "hate."

This struggling with God, this hand-to-hand combat, do I really think I can win?

Later...I took communion. They left all reference to Jesus out of it, but I thought of it a little as I dunked the bread in the wine and ate it. I felt compelled to take communion. I don't remember the last time I took communion, but it has been several years.

What is happening to me I don't know, but I do not think my rebellion this past week can stand up to communion. I only took it because it was Easter. If it wasn't, I could have walked away. But I cannot stand up to the biggest Christian holy day of the year without investigating further. And so I struggled with God and my own curiosity, and lost, and took communion.

I crossed a line today, and there is no going back from here. God opened the door and pushed me toward it - that door of letting go of a Wiccan-only based idea about the world, and investigating where Christianity fits - and I in my fear dug my heels in. But God didn't give up, or maybe my own curiosity kept bugging me, or maybe both, but the softening of my heart even as I tried to hate Him, occurred anyway. I had a choice, yes - we always have a choice - but it was a clear choice.

So I've picked up the phone to stop the incessant ringing (it was really bugging me). Now what? What to where I was a week ago? Yes, but with a new focus and purpose. Everything's changed, and nothing. Anyway, this is not a commitment to Christianity; this is a commitment to seek the truth in Christianity. What happens from here, happens.

Okay, Lord, you've got my ear. I'm willing to listen. You better make this good.

I'm afraid, so very afraid of what what I will find and what might happen. But I have to try. It would do no good to ignore it anyway. Haven't I been studying some of the issues already, in my studies of Christianity and reading the New Testament? Buying a concordance; hanging out on soc.religion.christian?

I have to trust that God knows what He's doing in my life, that there a purpose and reason. I have to trust that God will do the best thing for me and lead me where I should go.

Later...I could have sworn when I prayed tonight that I could feel the presence of God in the room, ever so slight, but ever so there. I was heard tonight.