poem: My First Christmas

My First Christmas
Advent ends and He is born, in a manger so forlorn.
Messiah as a Babe arrives, born to us to save our lives.
Giving up His splendor true, all for us to make us new.
Though divine He puts on flesh, all for us to make us fresh
And new in heart and mind and soul. He came to us to make us whole.
Yes, when time was full God's Son was sent, to mend and heal what we had rent.

When we were faithless, He fulfilled. He was holy, yet we killed
Him in our ignorance, with our sin, yet He wants to enter in
To our heart and minds to mend, far from us our sin to send.
As a Babe He comes in love, fully man, yet God above.
He came down--His Father's will. He came down--His blood to spill.
For our lives He came and sought, through this Babe our lives were bought.

In happiness, yet sadness, too, the Father cries out, cries out for you.
On that first Christmas Day, the Father wept as if to say,
"Unworthy children though you are, though truth from you is very far,
Though I weep at My Son's birth, knowing He will die on earth,
Joy yet sparkles in my eyes, for I know through His demise,
Sinners will I welcome warm, through what begins this Christmas morn."

poem: Who Is She?

11/6/96
last verse 12/4/96

[It was between these dates that the goddess' personal pronoun "She" became just "she." It was during this time that I came to the conclusion that she was not a god. I needed to know this in order to fully give myself to God.

This poem begins with me asking who she is, and ends when God gives me the answer.]

Who Is She?
I was once a child of night, thinking that I dwelt in light,
And yet the God of Light did come, and the Son eclipsed the Sun.
Calling, calling, always clear; calling, calling, ever near,
Saying what must be said for change; moving moving - rearrange.

I call out to earth and sky; I call out my doubts must die.
What¹s the lie and what is true, who is She and who are You?
Will You answer, One of Day, will You speak and will You say,
Who She is and what You've done, conquer Her with Light of Son?

I called out to earth and sky; I called out my doubts must die.
And You came and spoke to me, from Your word You broke to me
The news of what She is so true; She is not at all like You.
She is demon, You divine; I give Her up - You are mine!

poem: The Prodigal

11/13/96
11/20/96

The Prodigal
Failing, failing, every day; looking, looking, where's the way?
Choosing, choosing, guidance not; suff'ring, suff'ring, this my lot.
Searching, searching, ever night; thinking, thinking, I stood in light.
Coming, coming, You stood near; holding, hugging, make love clear.

Chorus:
For life is a struggle with pain and with sin,
But all we must do is let Jesus in.
Ask Him into out black, sinful hearts,
Praise be to Him who died, took out part.

Yes now I see much better true; You've known me, now I know You.
Loving me out from the dark, with the Spirit's hold spark.
Giving, living, patient cross; crying, dying, gain or loss?
Losing fear within Your love, finding peace in you above.

Chorus

Take me, take me, offer up; tasting, drinking, from the cup.
Drinking, eating, wine and bread; "Follow me," You have said.
Offer on the altar I; for life in You, self must die.
Praying to You within my fear, sensing You so very near.

Final Chorus:
Yes, life is a struggle with pain and with sin,
Yet all we must do is let Jesus in.
Through Him we are made pure of heart,
Praise be to Him who died, took our part.
Yes, praise be to Him who died, took our part.

Church Search, Week 24

Sixth months today I became a Christian. I was expecting to go to the Episcopal Church today, but two Muni metros just never showed. When the third showed up at 10:04 and said he was taking a 20 minute break, I knew I couldn't get to St. Francis' until after 10:30. I decided on plan B.

Plan B is to go to the Assembly of God church two blocks from Balboa Park where I normally transfer busses. So no St. Francis' today. But I have to go to church. I've been meaning to come here anyway. I guess I've just been waiting for the busses to get messed up like this. Otherwise I never would have come. It pisses me off because I'm tired of searching and I don't like having my schedule thrown off. Besides, being my six month anniversary and how it just happens to fall on a Sunday, it's supposed to be a good day.

Week 24: Community Assembly of God

Somewhat pentecostal. I felt good about them until the pastor explicitly endorses the Toronto Blessing and the Pensacola Outpouring. I've just been influenced too much by the Bible Answer Man. So I can't come back here. It's not that good anyway.

The sanctuary fits about 900 people, but there's much fewer people than that. Not real packed at all.

The preacher yelled and talked very fast during the sermon.

Why did things happen the way they did to bring me to a place like this this morning?

6 months

This Sunday marks 6 months for me of being a Christian. 6 months since I turned my life over to God. What have I accomplished? How have I grown? In what ways am I taking from the Christian community, and in what ways giving? How am I doing?

poem: The Rock

The Rock
Epiphanies fade.
Like dust blown away in the wind the
Memory cannot be recalled.
Was it real?
Though the memory is gone,
Leaving only the faintest ripples
Of a stone long since thrown, the
Effects linger.
The lake,
Though looking the same to the untrained eye,
Is forever different.
Outwardly the same,
Inside, forever changed.
Something new has been placed within:
The smallest thing,
A tiny pebble of purest love.
A stumbling block to those
Who do not comprehend,
But to me a stone of love to
Soften my heart of stone.

Church Search, Weeks 22 and 23

Weeks 22 and 23: St. Francis'

Who is the Goddess? Who is this Spirit that I have gotten to know so well, only to leave behind? Who is she?! Is She Divine, or demonic? What is Her true nature? Why was She there sometimes when I needed Her, but not other times?

poem: Between

October 18-19, 1996

Between
I want to leave God--
Party, get drunk, have fun;
Laugh, talk of inconsequential things;
Dance wildly by firelight as the moon and stars look on.
I want to live for myself.

I want to worship--
In the old ways,
Listen to the spirits in the babbling brooks,
Pour out libations by moonlight,
Revel in worship and worship in revelry.
I want to live for other gods.

But

I know He wants me to come back,
Worship in the old ways of Israel
As they entered the Promised Land;
Worship in the old ways of Jesus
As He lived for God, and died for me.

He wants me to listen to Him,
Pour out myself in libation,
Revel in Him, and in Him find happiness;
He wants me to live for Him.

Quake anniversary, and dream

Seventh anniversary of Loma Prieta quake.

I had kind of a weird dream last night, and its symbolism is compelling enough to record here. I'll write what little I remember. I had 2 snakes in a container of some sort. I picked up one carefully, one hand on its neck so it couldn't bite me. I showed this snake to another person, a man I think, who somehow got it angry. It tried to bite me, but I had a good hold on it. I controlled it until I was able to drop it back in its box. It wasn't thrashing too hard anyway. I was only afraid for a minute that it would get away. That's all I remember.

poem: Desire

Desire
In the sweetness of the longing, in the bitter of the sigh,
In the atmosphere and firelight, I listen to the lie:
That the path is clearly seen, and the sun shines on the Way,
The moon is just illusion; this is really light of day.

In the decisions and the choices of choosing right from wrong,
I listen for some guidance, and hear an age-old song,
Of dancing by the fire and running in the hills,
Of revelry being worship, an emptiness to fill.

In the darkness of the chamber where the molten lava flows,
I hide myself from myself, and yet He knows, He knows.
In the coldness of the embers, or the pain of iron hands,
He pushes and cajoles me, whispering a Promised Land.

But then the sound of slippered footsteps, a music in my ear,
A touch upon my shoulder - ­She is so very near.
Whispering Her promises by day or dark of night,
She promises Her love and more, embracing me in light.

Yes, even He most powerful of any ever been,
Cannot keep one single one from slipping into sin.
Even He, most powerful, of all the earth and sky,
Cannot keep me, a little one, from listening to a lie.

At SCA October Crown. The spirits are here.

Daughters of Diana

"Daughters of Diana." This phrase "came to me" during World Mythology. We were not studying Greek Mythology. I jotted the phrase down and would now like to finally make some notes about it.

I would say I used to be a daughter of Diana. I was always very big on the moon aspect of the Goddess. I even did a ritual with B. out at the Diana statue in that one park.

But I am a daughter of Diana no more. I am now a daughter of Jehovah/El Shaddai. May He always protect, guide, and love me. May He never leave or abandon me.

Church Search, Week 21

Week 21: St. Francis' Episcopal (8th visit)

Church Search, Week 20

Autumnal Equinox

Week 20: St. Francis' Episcopal (7th visit)

Discipleship, and a broken Bible

Yesterday night at discipleship Deborah stated that she had seen people struggle with drugs and alcohol and such, but never seen someone who's struggles were so much in the spiritual realm. (This was just after I had explained the struggles of the past week and the lessons that had come up in the Campus Journal devotional.)

Last night the longing for Pagan things was so bad, and I was angry at God a bit for both the longing and that He's taken it all from me, I decided to throw my Bible against my bookcase to vent steam. After a few tosses I noticed the front cover was starting to tear off. This pissed me off so I gave it a toss against a wall. The front and back cover - the whole thing - tore off! I had maimed a Bible - a holy book. I glued the side/back cover back on, and taped the front cover to it. But it is permanently scarred.

Church Search, Week 19

Week 19: St. Francis' Episcopal (6th visit)

The old UU Church

Talk to Margot at the UU Church today basically explaining why I haven't been around. She was very understanding and gave me good advice to stay a member there until I find another church, and not to do anything too hastily. I assured her I wasn't going to rush anything. It was a good talk and she did seem genuinely interested in my well being rather than keeping me as a member.

God on the Internet

(Posted to the Internet newsgroup "soc.religion.christian" on September 9, 1996. It is Charles' story, and it is time that I dust the cobwebs off of it, and give him his voice once more. It is time for others to once again see his view of my conversion. It is very different from mine, and therefore adds to my story, giving it a richness and depth that it could not have standing alone. My story from my perspective can be found here. )


God on the Internet

This is the story of the salvation of a young woman, Victoria, and how she came to know Christ. Contacts offered by an Internet e-mail list played a significant part in this, as did the forum offered by "soc.religion.christian" (a Christian newsgroup). This is an occasion where God has seen fit to use the Internet to His ends.

Charles joined the mailing list in the summer of 1995, and was a member for six months. A brief thread on witnessing to co-workers prompted the formation of a four-member virtual prayer group. It is in existence today. They pray for the needs of others, and provide advice as needed.

That prayer group played a significant role in a Wiccan Witch coming to Jesus Christ. It did so by praying for her salvation, and offering advice and prayers of support regarding the spiritual pressures that arose in Charles' home during (and after) this process.

A brief background may be helpful. Victoria attended a Christian church, but left it for a variety of reasons. First, the image of God she was presented was that of a vengeful, angry killjoy who was constantly disgusted at sinful humanity, and only tolerated us because He had beat up on His Son, Jesus, at the cross. Second, God wanted more than she could give--demanded too much obedience. Grace was noticeably absent from this picture. She was a Pharisee, trying to observe the letter of the law but missing the spirit (and the point!). Third, she had been tricked by Satan into believing she had committed the unforgivable sin.

Not surprisingly, this image of God did not appeal. She left the church, and after some searching became involved first with the New Age and then with Wicca. She was dedicated to the Pagan path four year ago, and initiated as a practicing Witch three years ago.

God was slowly working with her to heal the hurts the she had received from the church, and her anger at Him. A couple years ago she befriended a Christian woman who made a great impact on her simply by showing her Christian love. Several months ago she met another Christian, this time on the Internet, and had extensive contact with him. Due to her academic interest in Christianity, she took a few courses in undergraduate studies at university, and "tuned in" to soc.religion.christian (or s.r.c. for short).

God hooked Victoria and Charles up in February 1996 on s.r.c. They began to have conversations on salvation (she brought the subject up in the context of hell), and the spiritual pressures at Charles' home began to increase. That's when he told the virtual prayer group of the situation, and they began to pray for an end to the pressure, as well as for salvation for her. The prayers certainly helped--although the pressures escalated for a time, they finally waned.

The turning point in their correspondence came when they became friends (Charles does not bestow this title cavalierly). Victoria ceased to be "the Witch with whom Charles is having theological discussions," and became "his friend, who sees things differently in some crucial areas." They discussed their respective struggles regarding God, both past and current. Far from destroying Charles' witness for Christ, his admission of his struggles and rebellious tendencies played a role in showing Victoria the reality of Christ in his life.

Although Victoria was not really aware of it, God was drawing her strongly. At the end of March she passed up two Pagan events to attend a Christian concert (though at the time she was hardly aware she had scheduled it this way). At the concert she clearly sensed the presence of God, and the love she felt made her rethink her image of Him as an uncaring despot. She could then sense Him calling her, which she resisted strongly. While her soul longed for God, her will resisted giving up control to Him. Victoria and Charles corresponded at length on this, with their prior discussion of Charles' struggles setting the stage for her to share her own.

One part of the search involved a Roman Catholic book outlining the fundamentals of Christianity. It said that God had come Himself to personally bear the consequences of our sins, rather than simply beating up on His Son. God continued to draw her in several ways, and even used a bad period in Charles' life to produce an uncharacteristically blunt charge that she stop explaining away the appearance of God and face His calls.

Finally, after 4 1/2 weeks of intense struggle and a great deal of thought, Victoria phoned Charles and asked him to pray with her. At about 6:45 p.m. on Friday, May 3rd (1996), God gave him the privilege of leading a Wiccan Witch to Jesus Christ. It was four years to the day from her dedication into the Pagan path--to the very day.

The changes since her conversion have been dramatic. She no longer considers herself a Wiccan, and has dismantled her Pagan altar. She has been spending a great deal of time and energy searching out local Christian contacts, and a church to join. She has been baptized. On the more mundane side, she is getting along better with her boss at work. The tone of her notes displays more peace, even though her external circumstances are far more stressful than before her commitment to Jesus. As an added bonus, God provided an opportunity for them to meet briefly three weeks to the day after her conversion, when Charles had an airline connection through her city.

Charles would like to thank the prayer group for its efforts, and to let the members know that God has used them for His purposes. We would both like to encourage those who are telling others about Jesus Christ on the Internet that their efforts are not in vain. The seeds planted electronically do indeed bear fruit. Finally, we seek to glorify God, not ourselves. He can indeed work in any situation, and we are very aware of Whose hand was behind every step in this process.

Your brother and sister in Christ,
Charles Scott
Victoria Shephard

Link: http://home.earthlink.net/~second_coming/charles.html

Church Search, Week 18

Week 18: San Francisco Christian Center

black; Pentacostal (more so than Vineyard)

The serivce was at 8 a.m. so I wasn't terrible awake. It could/would have been vastly improved if I had had some coffee before.

This place is more Pentacostal/Charismatic than Vineyard. But unlike Vineyard, this one is seems that it might be more firmly rooted in Scripture. There was speaking in tongues, some ecstatic dancing, praying over people, even some people falling backwards because of the praying. Lots of people raising their hands in praise.

The search may have to go on, but I am tired, of so tired. Yes I'm getting an education but I'm tired. I want to find a church (or a couple) and concentrate on getting to know them better.

poem: The Final Good-Bye

The Final Good-Bye
Lights shimmer and dance off the night air,
Dancing like the memories in my heart,
Dancing a dirge of moments past
That will never be again.
Dancing a dance of death,
Mocking love, mocking me, mocking everything.

The memories remain,
Unwilling to let me go numb.
As sticky as thick, I move through them
Tears streaming down my cheeks
As I remember.
But even as I say
I wish it had never been
What I am really saying is
I wish it had not been necessary.
Yet needed or no, the pain remains.

But even as I stare out the window,
Swimming through the memories--
Memories I can move through, yet dense and unchanging as God Himself--
I know that the answer is not out there.
God speaks the answer to my heart
Beneath the pain used to cover the truth:
I wish it had never been.
What I am really saying is
I wish it had not been necessary.