A Look Back at 1999: Field of (Broken) Dreams

In grade school I used to think about how old I would be when the millennium turned and I figured I’d be 28 going on 29. Now that time is here. Where have the years gone? I can now easily remember events that took place two decade—decades—ago. But I am here to focus on this last year, not the last 28. I’m doing this without the benefit of going through my journals from the past year, simply because I don’t feel like going through the trouble. So what is written here represents the things that stick out in my own memory.

In contrast to all my past essays—whose very titles always included the word change—this year had remarkably little change. There was a move, to be sure, but the stability that marked this year was unusual. For example, I held the same job all year, at Family Radio.

Speaking of Family Radio, I can’t be sure exactly when I became aware of how much the Statement of Belief issued by Family Radio in the fall of 1998 would effect me. It was either December of 1998 or January of 1999. The late date of all the changes that occurred caused me to say little about this in my essay last year. But there came that time in one of those months where I knew that I would have to sign to be a producer. And I chose not to. That led to me staying on in Network Control, eventually getting the full time overnight shift in the summer of this year. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

In the spring I was kicked out of the place I was living with the lesbian woman. Even though I was only looking for places to sublet in San Francisco, I found a place to live in Oakland. This was difficult for me because I wanted to live in the City so bad. So this was in many ways the end of a dream.

Come to think of it, I gave up a lot of dreams this year. I gave up my dream of being a producer, for either shortwave or domestic (this could have been December, but I’ll not nit-pick). I gave up my dream of being in the City. And I gave up the perfect swing shift offered to me.

It happened like this. In the summer I was moved to the swing shift just in time for Don, who worked the overnight shift, to quit. They moved me to his shift until they could permanently fill it. Right at this point, out of the blue, an idea, a question, that had been percolating in the back of my mind for a long time, came to the fore. I had to know what day of rest the Christian was commanded to keep. I knew that Pastor Innes taught rest on Sundays, and many church members tried to do just that. I had, in fact, been keeping a "Sunday Sabbath" for quite a while, and found it a great time management technique for someone overwhelmed with work and school.

Now I began my search in earnest. I read everything I could get my hands on, and asked lots of questions. I talked to Pastor Sneedin. I did Internet searches. And I finally visited the Bay Area Seventh Day Baptist Church, something I had been meaning to do for a long time and just had "never gotten around to." The pastor there, Pastor Steve, gave me Samuele Bacchiocchi’s book From Sabbath To Sunday. I spent many nights at work pouring over that book and contemplating its message.

Time was short. I had to make a decision, at least a preliminary one, before someone was hired or I would have to work Saturdays. (The shift I had been offered was swing, Tuesday-Saturday.) When I was more sure than not sure, I asked first that when I went to the swing shift, that I be given Friday and Saturday as my days off instead of Sunday and Monday. They said they could not accommodate me. I then asked to be kept on the overnight shift. (This shift was Sunday-Thursday night so it gave me the Sabbath off.) They said they had already hired someone and as soon as his training was complete, I would be transferred to swing. I was told this person could not work swing. That ruined the backup plan I had.

I spent many nights at work crying and praying that things would work out so I could keep the Sabbath. I felt God telling me to sit tight and wait for him. Less than a week before I was to start working Sabbaths, the news came: the guy they hired had not worked out and I could keep the overnight shift if I wanted. I was overjoyed! Though I do not like this shift, I feel it is God’s will for me at this time. That makes it a little easier.

Additionally, since the time I started working at Family Radio I have been moved from one department to another. This move to the graveyard shift marked my first permanent full-time shift in one department. I am grateful for that stability. (Last year I worked full time between two departments, three days a week for Karen, and two nights a week in Network Control. That lasted 8-9 months. This year I worked full time day shift in Network Control, but that was always understood to be temporary.)

Between my work schedule (8-9 months of working Friday and Saturday overnights, leaving me exhausted on Sunday), and people getting married, plus a dearth of pastors at Hamilton leading to a dearth of church-based programs, all added up to a big lack of fellowship. While I loved my church, while a part of me felt I should remain loyal, the need in my soul said otherwise. I wanted out.

I left at a time when two new pastors were just coming on staff and getting to know "the ropes." I left at a time, when, if I would have stayed just a little longer, I may have found a reason to stay. But the damage had already been done. I wanted out and the only thing that remained was to find the way.

I left for six weeks, visiting other area churches, looking for one to join. I thought God was calling me back to Hamilton, so in obedience I went back—for two weeks. That was about the time the SDBs entered the picture, and I left (for what turned out to be) for good. I did not leave over the Sabbath issue; I left over fellowship issues. My needs simply weren’t being met anymore. That may seem selfish. I defend it as self-preservation.

Since the time I began attending the SDB church, I have not left. There was a short transition period of about two weeks, but I was looking for a way out of Hamilton, and this provided that out. I dropped membership at Hamilton in August, and joined the SDB church in September. They are a small church and so the fellowship is wonderful.

I guess a wrap-up of this year wouldn’t be complete without mentioning Mike in passing. I really thought I was in love—actually, yes, I was—and I don’t know what fell apart or why. He only said that we had our issues to work on, and they needed to be worked on separately. He naively said he wanted to just be “friends.” I know that never works out and rejected that. That was early December and we have not spoken since. This is the first time I’ve "dated" (even if it was long distance—we met on the Internet) since I was saved. It is hard to have your heart broken. How do you forgive a brother in Christ for something like that? I dreamed of him being my husband. Now that dream, too, is gone.

After that lowlight of the year, perhaps I should mention the highlight: Charles’ visit in September, and his short layover at the airport two weeks later in October. He was here on business in September and spent a few days here. We got to spend real, good quality time together, the first and likely last time that will happen. But it filled a long-standing desire within me, the desire to spend some time with the dear man who led me to Christ. We spent lots of time talking and one day gallivanting around the City. I came away from that feeling satisfied. God has been gracious to me to give me that time with him, something so long desired, so long denied.

So here I stand wondering where the year went. It always seems so short by the time December comes. And I am also at the edge of a new millennium. What will the millennium bring? If the last year of the old millennium was marked by a lack of change, what of the new year, and—where I will spend the rest of my life—the new millennium? I am aware of the blessing of being alive at this time to see this new millennium come. And I know that whatever happens, whether there is much change or little in 2000, God will be with me through it all.

Church Search, Week 24

Sixth months today I became a Christian. I was expecting to go to the Episcopal Church today, but two Muni metros just never showed. When the third showed up at 10:04 and said he was taking a 20 minute break, I knew I couldn't get to St. Francis' until after 10:30. I decided on plan B.

Plan B is to go to the Assembly of God church two blocks from Balboa Park where I normally transfer busses. So no St. Francis' today. But I have to go to church. I've been meaning to come here anyway. I guess I've just been waiting for the busses to get messed up like this. Otherwise I never would have come. It pisses me off because I'm tired of searching and I don't like having my schedule thrown off. Besides, being my six month anniversary and how it just happens to fall on a Sunday, it's supposed to be a good day.

Week 24: Community Assembly of God

Somewhat pentecostal. I felt good about them until the pastor explicitly endorses the Toronto Blessing and the Pensacola Outpouring. I've just been influenced too much by the Bible Answer Man. So I can't come back here. It's not that good anyway.

The sanctuary fits about 900 people, but there's much fewer people than that. Not real packed at all.

The preacher yelled and talked very fast during the sermon.

Why did things happen the way they did to bring me to a place like this this morning?

Church Search, Weeks 22 and 23

Weeks 22 and 23: St. Francis'

Who is the Goddess? Who is this Spirit that I have gotten to know so well, only to leave behind? Who is she?! Is She Divine, or demonic? What is Her true nature? Why was She there sometimes when I needed Her, but not other times?

Church Search, Week 21

Week 21: St. Francis' Episcopal (8th visit)

Church Search, Week 20

Autumnal Equinox

Week 20: St. Francis' Episcopal (7th visit)

Church Search, Week 19

Week 19: St. Francis' Episcopal (6th visit)

Church Search, Week 18

Week 18: San Francisco Christian Center

black; Pentacostal (more so than Vineyard)

The serivce was at 8 a.m. so I wasn't terrible awake. It could/would have been vastly improved if I had had some coffee before.

This place is more Pentacostal/Charismatic than Vineyard. But unlike Vineyard, this one is seems that it might be more firmly rooted in Scripture. There was speaking in tongues, some ecstatic dancing, praying over people, even some people falling backwards because of the praying. Lots of people raising their hands in praise.

The search may have to go on, but I am tired, of so tired. Yes I'm getting an education but I'm tired. I want to find a church (or a couple) and concentrate on getting to know them better.

Church Search, Week 17, and Bernie Ward

(September 1) Weel 17: St. Francis' Episcopal (5th visit)

Sunday (the 1st) I called Bernie Ward's program to tell Bernie the part he has in me becoming a Christian. I called in about 6:15; I didn't get on until about 7:50. An hour and a half wait. I did pretty well. My whole body was shaking, but I sounded calm. And I did it without notes.

Me. giving my "testimony" on 50,000 watt KGO to God only knows how many thousands of people.

Yesterday (the 3rd) was my 4 month anniversary {as a Christian}, and Friday should mark one year in San Francisco. Maybe I'll take myself out to lunch sometime this weekend.

Church Search, Week 16

Week 16: St. Francis' Episcopal Church (4th visit)

I've pretty much stopped church-shopping, as can be seen from my church choices the last few weeks. I'm just so tired of it. I've visited 9 or 10 churches. Isn't that enough?

Church Search, Week 15

Week 15: Vineyard (3rd visit)

This is a really intense spiritual place. They lay heavy emphasis on prayer, intercessory and otherwise. Walking in there really brings out issues for me, and it feels like there's a real battle going on - it intensifies the spiritual battles in my own life. After 2 weeks of Vineyard I'm ready to go back to St. Francis' quiet liturgy.

Church Search, Week 14

Week 14: Vineyard Christian Fellowship

Pretty cool. During the service when they said anyone desiring prayer could come up after the service, I felt like I should go, but couldn't imagine myself actually doing it. But at the end of the service, they said something like it, phrasing it differently or something. I saw Lila get up and walk to the front. I decided to follow, and walked up front. A couple people with a prayer team prayer for me. So it happened anyway, even though I couldn't imagine it.

We (Lila, America, and a woman's I've never met before) arrived really late, missing most of worship. But we caught the last couple songs. I could feel myself wanting to raise my hands. (It's very common at Vineyard so I don't have to feel weird.) I did raise my hands a little, first my left and then my right.

Last night there was a massive power outage at about 3:50 or 3:55 p.m. (It was spotted over 9 states, and even parts of Canada and Mexico.) I had just gone down to the bakery to get the dirty dishes and bring them upstairs. I was in the elevator, just me and the dishes. I hit the emergency stop switch to take a couple second breather. (I was having a bad day and was in a rotten mood.) At the exact moment I did that, the power completely failed. The light in the elevator went out and there I was in complete darkness between two floors. Flipping the switch between stop and run did nothing. I was trapped.

Looking up and down I could see a little light, but inside the elevator I could see nothing. The darkness was scary. I called out...

{The entry leaves off here and does not resume.}

Church Search, Week 13

Week 13: Cornerstone

Protestant church. Similar worship style to Vineyard, with slightly lower energy. Smaller congregation. The worship seemed shorter than at Vineyard and some of it was done sitting instead of the higher energy of standing that is found at Vineyard. I came here because I met a woman named Marga on the bus one day when I was headed to a Bible Study, I think one at Mike's house. I like Vineyard better.

Church Search, Week 12

(July 28) - Week 12 - St. Francis' Episcopal (my third visit)

I really like St. Francis' so I went back this week. I am narrowing the search down. I still have to check out Cornerstone and St. Dominic's Catholic.

St. Francis used pink wine and pita bread for the Eucharist. They have some pageantry but not a lot. The people make up for it.

Church Search, Week 11

Week 11: Episcopal Church of the Incarnation

I came to this church a few weeks ago, but I came back this time for 10 a.m. services. (I went to 8 a.m. last time, but you can't get a flavor for the music, people, and energy level until you go to the later service.) This is one of on;y two churches that has followed up my visit with anything. (After my last visit, I received a short note.)

The Eucharist was pita bread and red wine. I thought pita bread worked well because it has a slight bitter flavor to it.

Church Search, Week 10

Week 10: Episcopal Church of the Advent of Christ the King

Very Catholic, complete with incense and everything. The communion wafers looked Catholic, too. We sang a hymn that someone had written new words to old music. It was Beethoven's "Ode to Joy."

I know the Holy Spirit exists because I have seen Him at work in my life. Words like peace and joy are hard to define and find in my life, but my reaction to the demands at work underwent a sudden and dramatic change, at least partly unconscious. What I have tried to learn and do for years - to "just do it" - became a sudden, wonderful reality. I had tried to do it on my own for years and failed. It was only the Holy Spirit who did this for me. I only hope the change is permanent.

Church Search, Week 9

Week 9: Vineyard Christian Fellowship

It hit me during church today why I had never sensed the Holy Spirit in a church service before, and felt Him as the concert (besides that, I haven't been to church in a long time {up until 3 months ago}). It's that in churches I was always closed to the Holy Spirit. At the concert I didn't put any walls up. I didn't think of it really as a worship service, so I didn't feel the need to wall myself off. And by remaining open/being open to the music, I left a space to feel God's presence.

Church Search, Week 8

Week 8: Episcopal Church of the Incarnation - 8 a.m.; Saint Francis' - 10 a.m.

I'll have to go back to the Church of the Incarnation for 10 a.m. services. There were only about 10 people and it was very low energy. Someone at St. Francis' recommended the Episcopal Church of the Advent as being high in ritual. I might check that place out.

Well, I found out today I have to work Friday night so I can't go to taize with Paul. (Sigh.) Maybe next month - or year.

IV is tonight. I sure don't feel like praising God, but it's the right thing to do, right? Most of our time is spent watching the movie anyway. That'll be okay.

Church Search, Week 7

Week 7: St. Francis' Episcopal Church
St. Mary's for 7:30 a.m. services

This church was much more ritualized that St. Peter's. It was also larger, with real pews. (St. Peter's has been meeting in a "basement" room as their sanctuary was damaged in the '89 quake. So they have chairs rather than pews.) Anyway, when they were going through the motions of the Eucharist, I noticed all the way from my pew that they were using pita bread! I've seen so many different things used for communion - crackers, english muffins, "Catholic" wafers, and now pita bread.

They also had the Book of Common Prayer available for use in the pews, alongside the hymnals. Oh, and the service included reciting the Nicene Creed, which I was able to follow and declaim as it's in the Prayer Books. I don't think I've ever said it before (possibly at Catholic Easter, but I think not), and I don't think I've seen any of the Episcopal churches I've been to use it. It was a nice surprise to see it here. A real plus.

Communion went well. Everyone goes up front and kneels near and in front of the altar (at a "handrail"/railing). Everyone got a bit of pita bread, and a sip of wine from the cup. It seemed to be a blush or white wine.

They also had a kneeler of a sort; rectangular boxes with (insufficient) padding and covered with reddish velvet.

This church was high on ritual and very Catholic-y. I mostly liked it.

After seeing the different between this church and St. Peter's last week, I"m beginning to realize the good points to church shopping. Mostly, I'm seeing lots of different Christian denominations, and within the Episcopal tradition, I'm seeing different ways of practicing the same tradition. In a way, it's all very exciting and is a learning experience most people never get. This is God's gift to me in my church search. I also get to meet lots of people and talk with them, which is two edged. They're all really cool people to meeting and talk to, but most of them I will never see again. But at least I finally am seeing something good come out of this search.

Yesterday was NROOGD's Summer Solstice in Live Oak Park. It was okay, but really short. I met B. in West Oakland and we went together. We got there a little late. They had already started the meeting dance. It was a small crowd. E. (from AW) and her hubby (?) D. were there. It was not the best of experiences and certainly didn't help my Christian faith any.

My faith is doing a little better today. St. Mary's this morning prepared me for St. Francis' Eucharist. So I got to take communion which is good, because I was wondering if I should with my faith so low.

Listening to Sandi Patti's Le Voyage take as a Christian is a slightly different experience than as a Pagan. The songs also take on a different meaning as my life changes - the words still apply, but in other ways. The song Home Will find You used to give me hope about coming to SF. Now I can see it as a song about finding a church home. And with Long Look I can see that I got my long look when I moved here. That look ended March 30th with the concert; God showed me what lay ahead, then pushed me back down the hill toward that. In No Place To Lay My Head I can see how I have no place - no church home, and I'll be moving soon. I got my long look. Now I'm on the move again.

Church Search, Week 6

I never would have begun looking into liturgical traditions (like Catholic and Episcopal) if I hadn't had the assignment in my Christian History class to go to a Catholic Easter service. Additionally, meeting Paul must have had an effect. So now I am looking at liturgical traditions.

Week 6: St. Peter's Episcopal Church

They had the communion wafers like I've seen at the Catholic Church. We dipped them in the wine and then ate them. I thought about Jesus' sacrifice for me. I don't like the "dipping," though is worked great this week because I'm still sick and couldn't drink for the cup. Some people drank from the cup (before the rest of us gathered for the "dipping" communion). I don't know if that just for the clergy and choir, or if it's for anyone who doesn't mind drinking from the communal cup.

Church Search, Week 5

Week 5 - St. Gregory's Episcopal for early morning Eucharist and services. Only 9 people were there for the 8 a.m. service. Much larger crowd (I am told) at 10. The Eucharist had a very "holy" feel to it for me. (It's all in the state of mind.)

I was running early and made it to Hamilton Baptist Church by around 9:30. Services don't start until 10:50 but the doors were open. I asked the pastor what was up; he said Bible Study. I could pick between one on the family or on Genesis. I chose Genesis.

These people are so literate {I meant literal} in Bible interpretation it drives me crazy! After the studies Wednesday and this morning I thought I would be just as uncomfortable at the regular service, but not so. It was okay. We even sang a hymn I remembered from my earlier Christian days, but I don't remember which one it was anymore.

They do communion once a month and they did it today. The pastor made it very clear what it's meaning is and who can and can't take it. I, of course, took it. They used these little tiny cracker-like things and grape juice in the teeny plastic cups. (Seventh Day Adventist flash back!) :)

I'm beginning to see church shopping as not a matter of black and white - either hating or loving every church. There is a large gray area - Hamilton Baptist fits that gray area.

I'm also beginning to define what kind of church I'm looking for. I like liturgical churches. I like being able to take the Eucharist. I don't like literal translations {I meant interpretations} of the Bible. I not only want a Christian community, but a Christian family. I want a place where God is because any place God is, also is mercy and love. Not necessarily from the churchgoers,no, but from the God that is there.

But for now I wait in the hallway {C.S. Lewis metaphor}, slowly tasting Christianity's "flavors," but a long way from deciding which cone to buy. Will He help me find the right door to knock on, the right flavor to buy?

God was at both services I was at today, but it was a different experience in each church - a slightly different flavor to that God. Here is where words fail. Also in the experiences of the Eucharist and communion - slightly different meanings producing different experiences.

Hah! Feast or famine. Two communions this week; there will be none next week.

Sunday number 5 of searching; four weeks and 2 days since becoming a Christian; tomorrow will mark one month. Oh, sorrow! No one to mark it with. Such is waiting in the hallway. Anniversaries are "celebrated" alone. Though He keep me waiting, though the powerful experiences of the "calling" are no more, yet I will follow Him. He didn't give up on me easily. How can I then so easily give up on Him?