Where do I even start? 2011 has been a really rough year, stress at work and stress at home. I had no place to escape.
I could laugh at my stupidity when I got poison oak in January from hiking unprepared and encountering mud that forced Brad and I into the bushes. I suffered for a couple of weeks, then finally went to the doctor and got a Cortisone shot and a Prednisone prescription, which made me feel 90% better and kept me from wanting to crawl out of my skin. That was January and I can laugh at myself now.
Then, one Saturday morning in late February as Brad and I were getting ready for church, I received a call from my sister. She said Dad had a heart attack on Friday night, was in a coma, and dying. I hurriedly bought airlines tickets while Brad arranged for time off for me. I flew out Monday morning and Dad died that Wednesday, March 2.
In mid-March I bought an iPhone (had to wait for my current contract to run out). I am still in love with it!
On March 27 I completed my first (and so far only) half marathon! I covered 13.1 miles in 3:08:45, even though I am quite overweight and had to walk a lot. It was hard as heck, and I can’t wait for next year.
In May was the annual 12k Bay to Breakers run. A fun race as always and a badly needed break with all the stress this year.
May was also supposed to be the end of the world (May 21 per Harold Camping). I work at Family Radio. I knew I felt broken over what I saw being taught, but I didn’t know how broken. I tried to kill myself via an overdose of Xanax in the early morning hours of May 18. Brad didn’t know, but when I was acting weird later that day he called 911. The hospital checked me over, then sent me on John George, the local psych hospital. I was there for two days, finally being released Friday afternoon (May 20). I was off work the entire next week and burned through all but four hours of my sick time.
The May 21 prediction didn’t come true of course, and since Camping had two dates in mind (the May 21 rapture and October 21 end of the world), he just moved all events to October 21. By the time the second date rolled around, even Family Radio no longer believed their own hype.
I think it was June when my sister April suggested I use the money Dad left to us to buy a condo or townhouse in my area. Brad and I went looking and found the perfect condo on only our second weekend of searching. Escrow didn’t close until the following month, and we had to deal with the leak in the bathroom ceiling before we could lay carpet, and we had to lay carpet before we could move in. We finally moved toward the end of July and the HOA was kind enough not to charge us for that month.
In September I went back for a visit at my old church, which I left 12 years ago. It was good to see everybody.
On October 18 I finished the project I has started on January 1 - reading the Bible in chronological order. It was my third time through and very worthwhile.
October is also the month we got the bathroom ceiling fixed. It has been partially torn down before we moved in, and it took until October before I hired someone and arranged for the time off work.
It’s been a very long year.
I have wondered how I have made it through this year with my faith intact. There have certainly been times when I have railed against God and said all sorts of horrible things that I didn’t really mean (I hate You, I want You out of my life, etc.). He never abandoned me, and is big enough to take my anger and give me love in return. That is grace.
My second night in the hospital I couldn’t sleep (couldn’t sleep more than 3-4 hours a night for a week afterward either), and I laid in my hospital bed unable to pray much more than “Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy.” At that time I didn’t know if He would answer my prayer or not, but I knew He heard me. In the end, He not only gave me the mercy I pleaded for, but gave me grace in the unexpected gift from my sister of two days at a spa in the wine country.
As I lay in that bed, God reminded me of Scriptures, and He reminded me of an article I read saying to thank God for something you have never thanked Him for before. What better place than a psych hospital to practice praise? So I thanked Him for the clothes I was wearing (even though they were not my own), and bed I slept in (even though it wasn’t mine), the food I ate (even though it tasted terrible), and the roof over my head (even though it was the roof of my prison).
I know exactly what God has been doing this year. He’s telling me it’s time to get serious and grow up. Get serious in prayer and Bible study. Understand that He is good no matter what my circumstances are. That’s one thing that I finally got through my thick skull – God is good even when life is bad. My circumstances do not change His essential nature. How many years have I wasted getting angry at Him for every bad thing that happens? My entire Christian walk – too many years. No more. I will praise Him even when the storm surrounds me. He is worthy of praise simply because He is my Creator. He is the Potter; I am the clay (Jeremiah 18:1-6), the work of His hands (Isaiah 19:25).
It was December one year ago when a John Piper sermon challenged me to get serious about my faith. The first 2 ½ months were great – then the shit hit the fan, and it’s been a wild ride since then. But if He has seen me through everything so far, He will see me through whatever lies ahead. I have to say, the last year has been an adventure of faith, and if I have learned anything, I have learned that God is faithful when we are weak. He has enough faith for both of us and holds me up even when I doubt. He is the only one who has been able to tame my rebel heart and get me to rest quietly in His love. O, how peaceful those moments are!
This year has been a test of my faith. Dad’s death sent me into a spiritual tailspin, though truth be told, most of the questions I asked were questions I would have asked whether I was Calvinist or Arminian – they were human questions about God’s justice in sending anyone to hell, not questions of human choice or God’s choice. It was God who got me through, patiently helping me to ask the right questions so that I could discover the right answers. I didn’t really expect Him to give me answers, and am humbled that the God of the universe would work with me one-on-one to get me through Dad’s death and answer my questions.
Thank You for seeing me through all the trials this last year, God. Thank You for making me get serious about my faith right before my life went into a tailspin. Thank You for hearing me when I knew I didn’t deserve it. I will never understand why Your name is so important, but I am thankful that Your zeal for Your name and Your glory has made me an object of mercy whom You will never give up on. Yours is a love that I do not deserve and will never fully understand. Thank You for YOU.
Showing posts with label wrap up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wrap up. Show all posts
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Saturday, January 10, 2009
A Look Back at 2008: Moving & Medication
On January 19 Brad and I participated in the Walk For Life (short video), a pro-life event held in San Francisco every year. The walk itself was only 2.5 miles, but moved slowly. This was it's fourth year and the first time for Brad and I. I had a great time (though it was very cold, and want to go back next year.
On April 29 I received the standard letter from the owners that they would be raising my rent starting June 1. It was going up to $780. I decided to move. I put in my 30 days notice in May and started shopping around. Most places wanted people right away so I had to give up until June.
May 18th was the annual Bay To Breakers race. I bested last years best time by about 4 1/2 minutes and came in at 1:19:54. I again ran the whole race except for the hill.
I looked at three more apartments in early June, but ended up moving into one I had looked at back on May 4th! It is a little more expensive at $725 per month plus water, and is very small. But it was completely refurbished and quite cozy. Brad and I were able to move most stuff over ahead of time, so the actual move was mostly just furniture and went very quickly. Brad and I each took two days off work to move, unpack, and run numerous errands. I officially moved on June 30th when we took the furniture and bed over.
June 10th I had most of a complete physical at my newest doctor out in Castro Valley. They did complete bloodwork, urine and fecal testing, an EKG, and a chest x-ray.
July 11 Brad and I saw Journey to the Center of the Earth in 3D, my first 3 D movie since I was a kid. :) The movie itself was only okay, but the 3D made it worth it.
When the bloodwork results from my physical came back I noticed that my TSH was toward the high end and my Free T4 was barely in range on the low end. These are thyroid markers so at my next appointment on July 25 I asked for further testing - Free T3, ferritin, Vitamins B-12 and D, and thyroid antibodies.
I also asked for a 5 hour glucose tolerance test at this appointment. I went in for that test on August 1 (video), and when I got the results back I found out I was hypoglycemic and my blood sugar went as low at 30 at one point. No wonder I felt like crap during the test!
My DSL kit arrived August 1 and I got hooked up to high speed Internet. Zoom zoom! No more having to bring my computer to work to upload videos. :)
At my next doctor's appointment on August 8 we went over the further tests that were ordered - my Free T3 was in the basement, my ferritin on the low end, great Vitamin B levels, slightly low Vitamin D (though not worrisome), and no thyroid antibodies. I was officially diagnosed as hypothyroid and put on 50mcg levothyroxine (T4 hormone), as well as an iron supplement to get my ferritin up.
I wasn't able to go to General Conference in early August due to skyrocketing costs - I simply didn't have the money - so I tried to take just one day off and have a little fun locally by playing tourist for a day in San Francisco. Unfortunately, my fill-in at work flaked on me and since I hadn't totally covered my butt, her screw up was blamed on me and I was told to come in.
I finally got my much needed vacation on September 25, coincidentally enough the day that the fill-in girl had originally written down incorrectly. I also took the last half of the 24th off so I could get everything ready and be well-rested so I could better enjoy my day off.
On September 2 I took the deposit money from my old apartment and signed up for a 3 year pre-paid membership at my gym, so no more monthly dues for me!
I had another doctor appointment on September 19. The doctor bumped me up to 75mcg of levothyroxine. I asked him for adrenal tests to rule that in or out and he sent me for them. According to the people at About.com's thyroid forum my results were good so I am going to drop that line of inquiry.
My TSH came down a bit, my Free T4 went up a teeny bit, but my Free T3 took a 130 point jump and was finally in normal range for the first time in God only knows how long! :) My ferritin went down. I had given blood September 5 and thought the intervening time (three weeks) would be enough to get my levels back up, but it wasn't. I started eating Cream of Wheat every day, at first one serving and then two. Cream of Wheat has 50% of the RDA of iron in every serving.
Since the levothyroxine made me edgy and I would cry easily the doc bumped me up to 60mg of my anti-depressant (Celexa). I started the higher dose that very day, but didn't begin the 75mcg of thyroid meds until September 27, the day after my blood tests. I wanted to see how 50mcg effected my numbers before going up to 75.
After a while I tried to go down on the Celexa dose back to 40mg, and while it wasn't as bad as it had been, I still got weepy and edgy so I went back up to 60mg.
75mcg of thyroid meds made me very hungry. I am always hungry anyway from my Celexa, but this was much worse! Thankfully it seemed to calm down after several weeks and slowly return to my "normal" level of hunger.
October 31 the doctor bumped me up to 100mcg of thyroid meds. I also gave blood at the Red Cross (video). When I gave blood September 5 my hemoglobin level was 12.5% - the minimum required to be able to donate. On October 31 my level was 13.8%, so I guess the Cream of Wheat is helping. Of course, after the donation it will be much lower! I'm not going to give blood as often now. My low ferritin is the reason for my tiredness and I take two steps back in my treatment every time I give blood.
My next doctor appointment is the end of January and I will get blood tests done a couple weeks before.
It has been a hard year financially. When the economy went to pot, food prices soared. I'm now paying nearly double for some items I use every day (like salad), and can't afford anything better than iceberg lettuce. Before I could occasionally buy something healthier if it was on sale. Now I can't even afford the sale price.
So it's been a rough year just trying to survive from paycheck to paycheck, and if I didn't have the $200 a month from my Dad and the $200 a month from the Oregon property I wouldn't be able to make it.
On April 29 I received the standard letter from the owners that they would be raising my rent starting June 1. It was going up to $780. I decided to move. I put in my 30 days notice in May and started shopping around. Most places wanted people right away so I had to give up until June.
May 18th was the annual Bay To Breakers race. I bested last years best time by about 4 1/2 minutes and came in at 1:19:54. I again ran the whole race except for the hill.
I looked at three more apartments in early June, but ended up moving into one I had looked at back on May 4th! It is a little more expensive at $725 per month plus water, and is very small. But it was completely refurbished and quite cozy. Brad and I were able to move most stuff over ahead of time, so the actual move was mostly just furniture and went very quickly. Brad and I each took two days off work to move, unpack, and run numerous errands. I officially moved on June 30th when we took the furniture and bed over.
June 10th I had most of a complete physical at my newest doctor out in Castro Valley. They did complete bloodwork, urine and fecal testing, an EKG, and a chest x-ray.
July 11 Brad and I saw Journey to the Center of the Earth in 3D, my first 3 D movie since I was a kid. :) The movie itself was only okay, but the 3D made it worth it.
When the bloodwork results from my physical came back I noticed that my TSH was toward the high end and my Free T4 was barely in range on the low end. These are thyroid markers so at my next appointment on July 25 I asked for further testing - Free T3, ferritin, Vitamins B-12 and D, and thyroid antibodies.
I also asked for a 5 hour glucose tolerance test at this appointment. I went in for that test on August 1 (video), and when I got the results back I found out I was hypoglycemic and my blood sugar went as low at 30 at one point. No wonder I felt like crap during the test!
My DSL kit arrived August 1 and I got hooked up to high speed Internet. Zoom zoom! No more having to bring my computer to work to upload videos. :)
At my next doctor's appointment on August 8 we went over the further tests that were ordered - my Free T3 was in the basement, my ferritin on the low end, great Vitamin B levels, slightly low Vitamin D (though not worrisome), and no thyroid antibodies. I was officially diagnosed as hypothyroid and put on 50mcg levothyroxine (T4 hormone), as well as an iron supplement to get my ferritin up.
I wasn't able to go to General Conference in early August due to skyrocketing costs - I simply didn't have the money - so I tried to take just one day off and have a little fun locally by playing tourist for a day in San Francisco. Unfortunately, my fill-in at work flaked on me and since I hadn't totally covered my butt, her screw up was blamed on me and I was told to come in.
I finally got my much needed vacation on September 25, coincidentally enough the day that the fill-in girl had originally written down incorrectly. I also took the last half of the 24th off so I could get everything ready and be well-rested so I could better enjoy my day off.
On September 2 I took the deposit money from my old apartment and signed up for a 3 year pre-paid membership at my gym, so no more monthly dues for me!
I had another doctor appointment on September 19. The doctor bumped me up to 75mcg of levothyroxine. I asked him for adrenal tests to rule that in or out and he sent me for them. According to the people at About.com's thyroid forum my results were good so I am going to drop that line of inquiry.
My TSH came down a bit, my Free T4 went up a teeny bit, but my Free T3 took a 130 point jump and was finally in normal range for the first time in God only knows how long! :) My ferritin went down. I had given blood September 5 and thought the intervening time (three weeks) would be enough to get my levels back up, but it wasn't. I started eating Cream of Wheat every day, at first one serving and then two. Cream of Wheat has 50% of the RDA of iron in every serving.
Since the levothyroxine made me edgy and I would cry easily the doc bumped me up to 60mg of my anti-depressant (Celexa). I started the higher dose that very day, but didn't begin the 75mcg of thyroid meds until September 27, the day after my blood tests. I wanted to see how 50mcg effected my numbers before going up to 75.
After a while I tried to go down on the Celexa dose back to 40mg, and while it wasn't as bad as it had been, I still got weepy and edgy so I went back up to 60mg.
75mcg of thyroid meds made me very hungry. I am always hungry anyway from my Celexa, but this was much worse! Thankfully it seemed to calm down after several weeks and slowly return to my "normal" level of hunger.
October 31 the doctor bumped me up to 100mcg of thyroid meds. I also gave blood at the Red Cross (video). When I gave blood September 5 my hemoglobin level was 12.5% - the minimum required to be able to donate. On October 31 my level was 13.8%, so I guess the Cream of Wheat is helping. Of course, after the donation it will be much lower! I'm not going to give blood as often now. My low ferritin is the reason for my tiredness and I take two steps back in my treatment every time I give blood.
My next doctor appointment is the end of January and I will get blood tests done a couple weeks before.
It has been a hard year financially. When the economy went to pot, food prices soared. I'm now paying nearly double for some items I use every day (like salad), and can't afford anything better than iceberg lettuce. Before I could occasionally buy something healthier if it was on sale. Now I can't even afford the sale price.
So it's been a rough year just trying to survive from paycheck to paycheck, and if I didn't have the $200 a month from my Dad and the $200 a month from the Oregon property I wouldn't be able to make it.
Monday, December 31, 2007
A Look Back At 2007: Going Low-Fat
Last New Year's Eve I was sick. The toe surgery I had the previous month had taken my immune system down for the count and I got sick three times over the next few months. At least each one was less severe than the previous.
One of my New Year's resolutions was to get to 140 and if you go by official weigh-ins then I made it. I was 139.6 on my last official weigh-in of the year on December 30. My official ending weight for last year taken on December 29 was 144.2.
Nevertheless, I started the year by continuing to gain - all the way up to 152. At 152 I decided to start NutriSystem, binged, weighed in at 154, and started the diet. I quickly got down to the low-140s and stalled out. My body likes to be there, but I want to be in the mid-130s. I signed up February 26. My food came March 2 and I started the diet March 4.
Since I just needed to learn portion and calorie control, I tried to choose lower carb foods, sub vegetables for fruits, and add extra protein. I still practice this to this day. Going low-fat does not mean going high-carb. I prefer a high-protein diet with about 1 gram of protein for every pound I weigh.
I used Bill Me Later (online credit) so I could pay off what I owed over time.
My sister announced in the early part of the year that she was pregnant, but didn't allow me to announce it until she was three months along. The baby, Marina Celina, was born September 10, making me an aunt for the first time.
I ended my counseling sessions in March. They were not helping me at all and were only taking up my time and costing money.
In April I signed up for a personal training special at my gym. They were just half hour sessions which I think I preferred to the hour long sessions I had when I first started at 24 Hour Fitness. Jason was a great trainer and I felt I learned a lot from our sessions. I had to borrow the $99 cost from Mom, but it was worth it. I also asked a lot of questions and got a direction for my weight training. In September I asked him about how to build muscle and he told me how to do "pyramids," which I have been doing since.
May 20 was the Bay To Breakers race. I didn't think I would do as well because I spent this year more focused on weight training and less on cardio. However, the weekly walks Brad and I have done helped more than I knew. I shaved about 5 minutes off last year's time and came in at 1:24:30! I ran the entire race except for the one major hill - about 7 miles of nonstop running! Go me!
I got two of my photos on Flickr into the Schmap Guides, one for Seattle's Spirit of Washington Dinner Train (the photos are on the right, with one credited to me, Victoria Shephard), and the other for Berkeley's Garibaldi's restaurant, where Brad and Lisa and I went out for drinks once (there is just one photo there - mine).
I cancelled NutriSystem in July but continued to get various "Maintenance" orders of just breakfast or dinner or snacks. I officially hit my goal weight in July, but wasn't able to hold it. I would hit it for a week or three and then bounce up, and so on. Very depressing, but at least I did see new lows on the scale this year due to what I learned on NutriSystem. Plus I was able to get the weight I gained while still on Atkins; I was simply eating too much.
I am continuing to eat low-fat (about 30-35g a day), moderate-carb (under 120 net grams a day), and high-protein (about 140g a day). It is a lifestyle change, though I would love to get the carbs down a bit and the fat up just a little. Perhaps if I ever reach goal and stay there...
Conference was early this year so I left the end of July and came back in early August. It was a much needed distraction from normal life. I came home to find both my computer and Direct TV broken. It was God getting my attention and it worked. It took about three days to get my Direct TV back (with a new receiver), and about a week to get my computer back. I began saving for a new computer my having my employer take $35 out of every paycheck and set it aside for me.
I started taking Alli in October to help me lose weight (Web site). It keeps your body from absorbing all the fat in food you eat. I don't know if it's helping with the weight loss, but it does seem to absorb a modicum of fat.
In November I started Project 365 - it's where you take one picture a day for a year and post them to the Project 365 group.
In December my Dad gave me some Christmas money so I was able to buy a new digital camera - a FujiFilm FinePix S700. I love the new camera! It does so much more than my old one!
At the end of December my computer died again. I promised after the incident in August that the next time it died would be the last and I would buy a new one. I gathered up all the money I could, cashing in all but 40 hours of vacation, what little comp time I had, and the money from the $35 a month my employer has been setting aside for me. I managed to collect quite a bit of money. I put the computer on Bill Me Later and paid upfront for what Bill Me Later refused to cover. When the new balance gets posted to that account I will pay off what I can in one lump sum, then pay off the rest over time. I am getting the cheapest MacBook Pro - pretty much what Brad bought earlier this year. It's a laptop and it does everything. :)
Thankfully I got NutriSystem paid off just a few weeks before this, so my balance with them was zero when I put the computer on it. The new computer should arrive in early January. Then I have to get the modem and everything set up the way I want and get the hard drive migrated from the old computer to the new.
I've been on Celexa three years now and it's still working pretty well on my depression. This is definitely the best medication I have been on so far. :)
I'm not making resolutions for 2008 nor evaluating how I did in 2007. I think I can lose weight and get fit without them.
Technorati tagged: atkins, diet, New Year's, low carb, weight loss, low fat, NutriSystem, 2007
One of my New Year's resolutions was to get to 140 and if you go by official weigh-ins then I made it. I was 139.6 on my last official weigh-in of the year on December 30. My official ending weight for last year taken on December 29 was 144.2.
Nevertheless, I started the year by continuing to gain - all the way up to 152. At 152 I decided to start NutriSystem, binged, weighed in at 154, and started the diet. I quickly got down to the low-140s and stalled out. My body likes to be there, but I want to be in the mid-130s. I signed up February 26. My food came March 2 and I started the diet March 4.
Since I just needed to learn portion and calorie control, I tried to choose lower carb foods, sub vegetables for fruits, and add extra protein. I still practice this to this day. Going low-fat does not mean going high-carb. I prefer a high-protein diet with about 1 gram of protein for every pound I weigh.
I used Bill Me Later (online credit) so I could pay off what I owed over time.
My sister announced in the early part of the year that she was pregnant, but didn't allow me to announce it until she was three months along. The baby, Marina Celina, was born September 10, making me an aunt for the first time.
I ended my counseling sessions in March. They were not helping me at all and were only taking up my time and costing money.
In April I signed up for a personal training special at my gym. They were just half hour sessions which I think I preferred to the hour long sessions I had when I first started at 24 Hour Fitness. Jason was a great trainer and I felt I learned a lot from our sessions. I had to borrow the $99 cost from Mom, but it was worth it. I also asked a lot of questions and got a direction for my weight training. In September I asked him about how to build muscle and he told me how to do "pyramids," which I have been doing since.
May 20 was the Bay To Breakers race. I didn't think I would do as well because I spent this year more focused on weight training and less on cardio. However, the weekly walks Brad and I have done helped more than I knew. I shaved about 5 minutes off last year's time and came in at 1:24:30! I ran the entire race except for the one major hill - about 7 miles of nonstop running! Go me!
I got two of my photos on Flickr into the Schmap Guides, one for Seattle's Spirit of Washington Dinner Train (the photos are on the right, with one credited to me, Victoria Shephard), and the other for Berkeley's Garibaldi's restaurant, where Brad and Lisa and I went out for drinks once (there is just one photo there - mine).
I cancelled NutriSystem in July but continued to get various "Maintenance" orders of just breakfast or dinner or snacks. I officially hit my goal weight in July, but wasn't able to hold it. I would hit it for a week or three and then bounce up, and so on. Very depressing, but at least I did see new lows on the scale this year due to what I learned on NutriSystem. Plus I was able to get the weight I gained while still on Atkins; I was simply eating too much.
I am continuing to eat low-fat (about 30-35g a day), moderate-carb (under 120 net grams a day), and high-protein (about 140g a day). It is a lifestyle change, though I would love to get the carbs down a bit and the fat up just a little. Perhaps if I ever reach goal and stay there...
Conference was early this year so I left the end of July and came back in early August. It was a much needed distraction from normal life. I came home to find both my computer and Direct TV broken. It was God getting my attention and it worked. It took about three days to get my Direct TV back (with a new receiver), and about a week to get my computer back. I began saving for a new computer my having my employer take $35 out of every paycheck and set it aside for me.
I started taking Alli in October to help me lose weight (Web site). It keeps your body from absorbing all the fat in food you eat. I don't know if it's helping with the weight loss, but it does seem to absorb a modicum of fat.
In November I started Project 365 - it's where you take one picture a day for a year and post them to the Project 365 group.
In December my Dad gave me some Christmas money so I was able to buy a new digital camera - a FujiFilm FinePix S700. I love the new camera! It does so much more than my old one!
At the end of December my computer died again. I promised after the incident in August that the next time it died would be the last and I would buy a new one. I gathered up all the money I could, cashing in all but 40 hours of vacation, what little comp time I had, and the money from the $35 a month my employer has been setting aside for me. I managed to collect quite a bit of money. I put the computer on Bill Me Later and paid upfront for what Bill Me Later refused to cover. When the new balance gets posted to that account I will pay off what I can in one lump sum, then pay off the rest over time. I am getting the cheapest MacBook Pro - pretty much what Brad bought earlier this year. It's a laptop and it does everything. :)
Thankfully I got NutriSystem paid off just a few weeks before this, so my balance with them was zero when I put the computer on it. The new computer should arrive in early January. Then I have to get the modem and everything set up the way I want and get the hard drive migrated from the old computer to the new.
I've been on Celexa three years now and it's still working pretty well on my depression. This is definitely the best medication I have been on so far. :)
I'm not making resolutions for 2008 nor evaluating how I did in 2007. I think I can lose weight and get fit without them.
Technorati tagged: atkins, diet, New Year's, low carb, weight loss, low fat, NutriSystem, 2007
Sunday, December 31, 2006
A Look Back at 2006: Facing My Fears
A Look Back at 2006: Facing My FearsI hit my weight goal in January at 142, but I wasn't able to hold that weight. As soon as I tried maintaining my weight crept up to 148. For most of the year I have hovered around 145.
I dyed my hair pink in January, but didn't like it. When it faded out, I went back to blue, and it is still blue.
February marked two years of working out, and March marked my two year anniversary on Atkins.
In March I met Brian and Susan from Virginia (pics). I know Brian from the CH Refugee forum.
I didn't receive a Vicki Box last year, so one person on the forum took it upon themselves to send me one so I wouldn't be left out, even if I didn't receive it until April.
I also opened a Flickr account in April and now have almost 650 photos! Check it out!
In May I ran the Bay To Breakers race, and not only made a new best time, but also a goal I've had my eyes on for a long time: I finished in less than an hour and a half at 1:29:44. That's unofficial time by my watch. Official time is a couple minutes more because of the time it takes to cross the start line. Here's some of my times from past races.
Our church did the 40 Days of Purpose this year. Not sure I learned a whole lot from it, but it does have a lot of good theology, so it's not a bad thing.
I started wearing a pedometer and it has made me aware of how easy it it to walk almost no steps in the course of daily life, and inspired me to walk more. I walk the last 1.5 miles to work fairly often, and I even started walking around Lake Merritt occasionally. I also signed up with Walker Tracker as a way to log my steps.
I briefly hit the 130s in June, only to bounce WAY up in July after my glucose tolerance test.
I also had my purse ripped off in July. A beautiful, warm, clear Sunday morning and someone snatched it and ran. Days like that I can't wait for heaven. I guess my purse being stolen was the reason for the extra Vicki box I received in July. :)
In August I attended General Conference in New York. Next year it will be in Oregon, thank goodness. A six hour flight each way is not my cup of tea.
Brad found me a used exercise bike just as old as the one I had, but some of the features (such as speedometer and odometer) still worked. So I got rid of my old one and now have the new one.
Speaking of which, the post I linked to mentioned giving blood. Here's the actual post about it. I got over my fear and actually started giving blood this year. I found out my iron level probably isn't too high, but what the heck, it can't hurt and actually does help someone. :)
I hung out a couple times with Brad, Davina, and Lisa this year, and it was fun. (September hang out pics)
I decided that if I was going to give blood, I need to make sure that I have no infections, so I started seeing the dentist after years of ignoring my teeth. I've had a couple regular cleanings now, a deep cleaning, and the first half of the oral surgery I need. The second half will be in January. I also have four cavities.
I started experimenting with various different recipes this year. All of mine are fairly easy because - well, if you know me you know I don't like to cook. :) These are all easy AND delicious AND healthy because they are all low-carb.
I visited Dad and Millie and April and Renato over Thanksgiving. It was an interesting time since my sister think fat is evil and carbs are healthy. I still managed to mostly stick to my diet while there so the damage was minimal compared to what it could have been.
I decided I wanted to check my blood sugar with lancets and a meter and strips. I can't afford full price for things, but eBay has everything. I've finally settled on sticking with the first meter I bought, the TrueTrack (photos).
If you look through the archive for November and December you will see several mentions of my meter saga.
As you may remember I have been seeing a podiatrist for the fugal infection under my nail for a loooong time. Well, this year I finally got fed up with it and opted to have the toenail permanently removed. Problem solved. As this year ends it is still healing.
I'm also still healing from a nasty cold. I can't remember the last time I was this sick. I think the toe surgery pushed my immune system over the edge. First I got three cold sores, and that was followed by a nasty cold that, as of new year's eve, I've still not recovered from.
All in all a pretty stable year (yay for stability!), but a year of facing my fears of the dentist and giving blood. I've avoided the dentist to avoid pain, and I fainted when I gave blood as a teen.
And what of God? Where does He fit in to an increasingly busy life that doesn't revolve around Him? Is He somebody I go to see once a week, like a favorite grandparent? Why? Shouldn't He be more like a Father I live with and talk to each day? After 10 years I've become too comfortable with Him. I've lost the passion I first had. It seems I only draw near to Him, ask for His help, in the middle of the storm.
Father, help me to include You more in my life. Remind me to talk with You more.
As each year draws to a close I write these little essays and try to sum up the year in a short title or subtitle. Some years are hard, with painful titles such as Losing Everything (2004) or Dark Night of the Soul (2000). Others hint at happier years, such as Year of the Cat (2002) or Blessed Stability (2005).
God bless the upcoming year.
Technorati tagged: atkins, diet, atkins diet, low carb, weight loss, diary, resolutions, 2006
Thursday, December 29, 2005
A Look Back at 2005: Blessed Stability
A Look Back at 2005: Blessed Stability
This year continued my bad co-modding luck. In January I was booted as a co-mod at About.com’s Depression forum because I’m "homophobic." I’m not, but Nancy has to label me something to salve her conscience. Oh well. Her loss.
Official starting weight for 2005 was 166. I'm hovering about 145 as I write this, so that’s about 20 pounds gone. Yippee! But my weight loss did come to a screeching halt in May this year; I was doing well before then. Since May I've only lost about a pound a month. I gained 2.4 pounds in November, and lost 2.2 in December! Right back where I started! This year I hit my one year anniversary for both starting exercising (February) and starting Atkins (March). I am now just barely within a "normal" weight range for my height, gender, and bone structure.
I continued writing the devotions for The Helping Hand this year. I love this "side job."
In March I spoke at church, giving the long version of my testimony. It was pastor's week off, so I volunteered to be the speaker.
In April I bleached my hair and then dyed it blue. I have been growing my hair out and letting the blue fade to green in preparation for bleaching it again and dying it pink this time (I got tired of the blue). The chlorine in the pool wrecked my long dyed hair, so shortly after dying it I had to have it cut short. I figured I could swim and have short hair, hidden under a cap, or not swim and have long hair. I like swimming sometimes so I had the hairdresser cut it short.
Also in April I started blogging on Blogspot rather than the simple blog I'd set up at home. This enables me to post from any computer, anywhere, and lets people add their comments to my entries. Way cool!
The mandatory overtime (that no one is really complaining about) started in April and now we’re in December and it hasn't stopped. My overtime consists of one 12 hour shift a week. One week that will be Sunday, and the next Monday, and so on. One person was hired, but let go after they didn't "work out." It was stupid. We all mess up, sometimes big, but they let him go. Anyway, it works out to 44 hours a week, 8 extra hours per paycheck. I can't say I don't need it.
In May Abby disappeared and was gone for four days before showing up across the street meowing at me for food. Stupid cat. It's the only time she’s ever gotten out since I moved to the new apartment in 2003.
Also in May was the Bay To Breakers race. I equaled my best time ever – 1:37 – by carbing up the night before, the morning of, and during the race. I felt so different from last year when I didn't. Definitely need more carbs when doing something this intense.
Since I had lost my state ID card during the race, and they take time to be replaced, I had to get a passport so I could go on the cruise to Alaska in May. Things were dicey for a while, but I managed to get a rush passport the day before I left.
The cruise ran from late May to early June, one week. We left from Seattle, sailed to Ketchikan, Juneau, and Skagway, then turned south again to Victoria, BC. It was cool. Dad paid for my sister and I and him and his girlfriend to go to Alaska. I'd prefer the Caribbean, but hey, it was a free trip.
I became an aunt in July when my brother Rob and his wife Julie adopted baby Jebadiah. I know Rob is not legally related to me, and baby Jebadiah is not blood related to Rob, but I don't care. I'm still an aunt. :)
I also started an Atkins forum in July. In was short lived on Delphi when Gunter played God one too many times and delisted both my active forums. The Atkins forum moved to Forumer, and the Sabbath keeping forum was swallowed up in the already existing Seventh Day Baptist Yahoo group.
In August I went to General Conference in Michigan. It was really awesome like always. I love getting out of my little ghetto here and meeting people from all over the world. As Conference was starting, John Conrod, who has helped me moderate my Sabbath keepers' forum, died from complications related to MS. Rest in peace, John.
At the end of August I served as Maid of Honor at my sister's wedding. April finally married Renato.
In October I finished the "Bible in the year" project a full 2 ½ months early.
April made her TV debut in November on Move This House on A&E TV. My sister on TV. So exciting! She did great, but there was a lot of nervous laughter on her part.
Also in November Jean-Luc started a private Yahoo group for survivors of Kathi's ExWitch to discuss how to start a forum for ex-Witches, the original purpose of EW before it became primarily evangelism. The Yahoo group is now mostly dead, the forum is up and running, and we'll just see how things go from here. I suggested "The Moon and the Son" for a name, and they ended up naming it "The Son and the Moon." Jesus should get prominence in the name.
All in all, a fairly stable year. I'm in the same job, same apartment, with the same cats. :) This will be my third Christmas (just over two full years) of living in the same place. And it's my own apartment, not shared with anybody except my two cats, so it's doubly cool. Anyone who knows me well know how important (and elusive) stability has been to me. I even get stressed out when my daily routines get disrupted.
{primarily written December 21, 2005, with various edits}
This year continued my bad co-modding luck. In January I was booted as a co-mod at About.com’s Depression forum because I’m "homophobic." I’m not, but Nancy has to label me something to salve her conscience. Oh well. Her loss.
Official starting weight for 2005 was 166. I'm hovering about 145 as I write this, so that’s about 20 pounds gone. Yippee! But my weight loss did come to a screeching halt in May this year; I was doing well before then. Since May I've only lost about a pound a month. I gained 2.4 pounds in November, and lost 2.2 in December! Right back where I started! This year I hit my one year anniversary for both starting exercising (February) and starting Atkins (March). I am now just barely within a "normal" weight range for my height, gender, and bone structure.
I continued writing the devotions for The Helping Hand this year. I love this "side job."
In March I spoke at church, giving the long version of my testimony. It was pastor's week off, so I volunteered to be the speaker.
In April I bleached my hair and then dyed it blue. I have been growing my hair out and letting the blue fade to green in preparation for bleaching it again and dying it pink this time (I got tired of the blue). The chlorine in the pool wrecked my long dyed hair, so shortly after dying it I had to have it cut short. I figured I could swim and have short hair, hidden under a cap, or not swim and have long hair. I like swimming sometimes so I had the hairdresser cut it short.
Also in April I started blogging on Blogspot rather than the simple blog I'd set up at home. This enables me to post from any computer, anywhere, and lets people add their comments to my entries. Way cool!
The mandatory overtime (that no one is really complaining about) started in April and now we’re in December and it hasn't stopped. My overtime consists of one 12 hour shift a week. One week that will be Sunday, and the next Monday, and so on. One person was hired, but let go after they didn't "work out." It was stupid. We all mess up, sometimes big, but they let him go. Anyway, it works out to 44 hours a week, 8 extra hours per paycheck. I can't say I don't need it.
In May Abby disappeared and was gone for four days before showing up across the street meowing at me for food. Stupid cat. It's the only time she’s ever gotten out since I moved to the new apartment in 2003.
Also in May was the Bay To Breakers race. I equaled my best time ever – 1:37 – by carbing up the night before, the morning of, and during the race. I felt so different from last year when I didn't. Definitely need more carbs when doing something this intense.
Since I had lost my state ID card during the race, and they take time to be replaced, I had to get a passport so I could go on the cruise to Alaska in May. Things were dicey for a while, but I managed to get a rush passport the day before I left.
The cruise ran from late May to early June, one week. We left from Seattle, sailed to Ketchikan, Juneau, and Skagway, then turned south again to Victoria, BC. It was cool. Dad paid for my sister and I and him and his girlfriend to go to Alaska. I'd prefer the Caribbean, but hey, it was a free trip.
I became an aunt in July when my brother Rob and his wife Julie adopted baby Jebadiah. I know Rob is not legally related to me, and baby Jebadiah is not blood related to Rob, but I don't care. I'm still an aunt. :)
I also started an Atkins forum in July. In was short lived on Delphi when Gunter played God one too many times and delisted both my active forums. The Atkins forum moved to Forumer, and the Sabbath keeping forum was swallowed up in the already existing Seventh Day Baptist Yahoo group.
In August I went to General Conference in Michigan. It was really awesome like always. I love getting out of my little ghetto here and meeting people from all over the world. As Conference was starting, John Conrod, who has helped me moderate my Sabbath keepers' forum, died from complications related to MS. Rest in peace, John.
At the end of August I served as Maid of Honor at my sister's wedding. April finally married Renato.
In October I finished the "Bible in the year" project a full 2 ½ months early.
April made her TV debut in November on Move This House on A&E TV. My sister on TV. So exciting! She did great, but there was a lot of nervous laughter on her part.
Also in November Jean-Luc started a private Yahoo group for survivors of Kathi's ExWitch to discuss how to start a forum for ex-Witches, the original purpose of EW before it became primarily evangelism. The Yahoo group is now mostly dead, the forum is up and running, and we'll just see how things go from here. I suggested "The Moon and the Son" for a name, and they ended up naming it "The Son and the Moon." Jesus should get prominence in the name.
All in all, a fairly stable year. I'm in the same job, same apartment, with the same cats. :) This will be my third Christmas (just over two full years) of living in the same place. And it's my own apartment, not shared with anybody except my two cats, so it's doubly cool. Anyone who knows me well know how important (and elusive) stability has been to me. I even get stressed out when my daily routines get disrupted.
{primarily written December 21, 2005, with various edits}
Saturday, January 01, 2005
My best writings
Come In From the Cold
Lessons of the Labyrinth
1999 Wrap-Up
2000 Wrap-Up
Letter to God
2001 Wrap-Up
2002 Wrap-Up
Helping Hand devotional, November 30, 2003-December 13, 2003 (use calendar on right side to navigate)
When Life Is Soft Around the Edges
Helping Hand devotional, August 29, 2004-September 25, 2004 (use calendar on right side to navigate)
2004 Wrap-Up
Helping Hand devotional, June 26, 2005-July 30, 2005 (use calendar on right side to navigate)
Halloween for Christians & Former Witches
The Pagan Origins of Christmas, a response
Helping Hand devotional, Novemeber 27, 2005-December 24, 2005 (use calendar on right side to navigate)
2005 Wrap-Up
Top 10 Myths About Atkins
What Is Our Role?
Top 10 Reasons Why I Love Low-Carb
Permission is given to reproduce any of my writings on this site as long as I am credited as the author. A link back to this site is nice, but not required.
Why the Low-Fat Diet is Stupid and Potentially Dangerous (by Anthony Colpo)
Mr. Colpo has given permission to copy his article 1) if it is for non-commercial purposes, 2) if you credit him as the author and 3) (nice, but not required), link back to his site.
Lessons of the Labyrinth
1999 Wrap-Up
2000 Wrap-Up
Letter to God
2001 Wrap-Up
2002 Wrap-Up
Helping Hand devotional, November 30, 2003-December 13, 2003 (use calendar on right side to navigate)
When Life Is Soft Around the Edges
Helping Hand devotional, August 29, 2004-September 25, 2004 (use calendar on right side to navigate)
2004 Wrap-Up
Helping Hand devotional, June 26, 2005-July 30, 2005 (use calendar on right side to navigate)
Halloween for Christians & Former Witches
The Pagan Origins of Christmas, a response
Helping Hand devotional, Novemeber 27, 2005-December 24, 2005 (use calendar on right side to navigate)
2005 Wrap-Up
Top 10 Myths About Atkins
What Is Our Role?
Top 10 Reasons Why I Love Low-Carb
Permission is given to reproduce any of my writings on this site as long as I am credited as the author. A link back to this site is nice, but not required.
Why the Low-Fat Diet is Stupid and Potentially Dangerous (by Anthony Colpo)
Mr. Colpo has given permission to copy his article 1) if it is for non-commercial purposes, 2) if you credit him as the author and 3) (nice, but not required), link back to his site.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
A Look Back At 2004: Losing Everything
I might make some more changes still, but this is pretty much my wrap-up for the year.
Losing Everything: A Look Back At 2004
This has been a very hard year, and one I don't wish to repeat. New Year¹s Day 2005 will be the one year anniversary, and I am hoping for a feeling a closure, to leave behind this rotten year and move forward.
On New Year's Day I was kicked out of Ex-Witch Ministries. It had been a long time in coming and perhaps if I had cared to read the handwriting on the wall instead of sticking my head in the sand I could have left on better terms, before it all blew up in my face. I am now convinced God wanted me out and since I wasn't listening, He forced me to listen. Plus, He had warned me before I was ultimately caught. I spent the fall of 2003 wrestling with the issue, and at one point we studied the book of James in Sabbath School - very convicting. However, He comforts His hurting children and just as I don't believe studying James was coincidence, neither do I believe that studying Job this January was either.
I nearly lost my faith and I am still surprised at just how close to going back I came. I tried with all my human strength to keep hold of Jesus, but it was hard. See, SHE showed up when I was at my weakest and most hurting. Those who claimed to represent Christ in my life had just hurt me more deeply than any human being ever had. It wasn't like losing a job; it was like an acrimonious divorce, complete with the stalking and false accusations that often accompany such things.
Into this, SHE pounced when she knew I was least likely to offer resistance. As God was being quiet right then, the offer of something supernatural communicating with me was too good to resist. I craved it, so I stupidly let her stay. It was the beginning of five weeks of hell. Once I'd given her a foothold, she talked to me quite often, telling me what I wanted to hear. It usually wasn¹t the truth of course, but I wanted to believe it.
One thing that stayed my hand on going back to her was that she had upped the anti. This wasn't a simple offer to turn my back on God and play with her for a while. I've done that before. She's always wanted me back, but never with conditions. This time, it was different. She placed one condition on my return to her to renounce the God I worshipped. I sensed this was BIG, and was reticent to do it. I think there may have been more at stake than anybody knew at the time. It was my biggest test yet of loyalty to Him, and who knows what would have happened if I had failed it. God takes His covenants seriously, and trying to break it would likely have horrible consequences.
Finally, on a night in early February I leveled with God and told Him that I would go back if He didn't do something she was just plain wearing me down. It took a few days, but something happened the following Sunday at City Church. I can't explain it, but I walked out without her as a problem. I learned something important from that - the God of the Bible is much more powerful than any other so-called God. They flee before Him.
In the middle of February and joined Curves and began trying to lose weight. I was over 200 pounds, having gained roughly 40 on the Zoloft. In mid-March I had my first weigh-in and had lost a disappointing 3.8 pounds. I was so depressed that I decided I needed to get serious with my diet. I started Atkins the end of March. To date, I have lost that 40 pounds, and am now working on getting to a healthy weight since I have been about 15 pounds overweight for most of my adult life.
In July, 10 days before I was to leave on vacation, I was mugged while waiting for the bus. The man had a gun that he made sure I saw so I'd know he was serious. He only took my wallet and not my whole purse, thank God, so he didn¹t get my bus pass, BART pass, or commuter checks. He did get about $44, a few dollars of the church bulletin money, stamps, address labels (with my P.O. box on them), a calling card, one credit card, my ATM/debit card, and of course my ID. For my trip I found an old ID and that along with my receipt from the DMV when I applied for a new one was enough to get me through airport security.
In early August I flew to Pittsburgh, PA and then got a ride to West Virginia, where General Conference was held this year. It was a wonderful week and when I first began to emerge from the black cloud that my departure from Ex-Witch had placed over my head. There's something special about being at Conference, a place away from the "regular" world where God can work. The scars and pain will never go away. Time does not heal all wounds. It does, however, dull the pain so that life can go on.
I changed medications this year. The Zoloft began to poop out late last year, so I asked my doctor to switch me to Wellbutrin. I weaned off the Zoloft and onto the Wellbutrin sometime in the spring. After a while it became apparent that the Wellbutrin wasn't cutting it and I really needed something that effected seratonin. I asked my doctor for Celexa (it's the cheapest) and started that in early December. It seems to be okay, but I may have to talk with my doctor about raising the dose at my next appointment.
All in all, a sucky year, but the weight loss did give me something positive to pour my energy into. I hope 2005 is significantly better!
Losing Everything: A Look Back At 2004
This has been a very hard year, and one I don't wish to repeat. New Year¹s Day 2005 will be the one year anniversary, and I am hoping for a feeling a closure, to leave behind this rotten year and move forward.
On New Year's Day I was kicked out of Ex-Witch Ministries. It had been a long time in coming and perhaps if I had cared to read the handwriting on the wall instead of sticking my head in the sand I could have left on better terms, before it all blew up in my face. I am now convinced God wanted me out and since I wasn't listening, He forced me to listen. Plus, He had warned me before I was ultimately caught. I spent the fall of 2003 wrestling with the issue, and at one point we studied the book of James in Sabbath School - very convicting. However, He comforts His hurting children and just as I don't believe studying James was coincidence, neither do I believe that studying Job this January was either.
I nearly lost my faith and I am still surprised at just how close to going back I came. I tried with all my human strength to keep hold of Jesus, but it was hard. See, SHE showed up when I was at my weakest and most hurting. Those who claimed to represent Christ in my life had just hurt me more deeply than any human being ever had. It wasn't like losing a job; it was like an acrimonious divorce, complete with the stalking and false accusations that often accompany such things.
Into this, SHE pounced when she knew I was least likely to offer resistance. As God was being quiet right then, the offer of something supernatural communicating with me was too good to resist. I craved it, so I stupidly let her stay. It was the beginning of five weeks of hell. Once I'd given her a foothold, she talked to me quite often, telling me what I wanted to hear. It usually wasn¹t the truth of course, but I wanted to believe it.
One thing that stayed my hand on going back to her was that she had upped the anti. This wasn't a simple offer to turn my back on God and play with her for a while. I've done that before. She's always wanted me back, but never with conditions. This time, it was different. She placed one condition on my return to her to renounce the God I worshipped. I sensed this was BIG, and was reticent to do it. I think there may have been more at stake than anybody knew at the time. It was my biggest test yet of loyalty to Him, and who knows what would have happened if I had failed it. God takes His covenants seriously, and trying to break it would likely have horrible consequences.
Finally, on a night in early February I leveled with God and told Him that I would go back if He didn't do something she was just plain wearing me down. It took a few days, but something happened the following Sunday at City Church. I can't explain it, but I walked out without her as a problem. I learned something important from that - the God of the Bible is much more powerful than any other so-called God. They flee before Him.
In the middle of February and joined Curves and began trying to lose weight. I was over 200 pounds, having gained roughly 40 on the Zoloft. In mid-March I had my first weigh-in and had lost a disappointing 3.8 pounds. I was so depressed that I decided I needed to get serious with my diet. I started Atkins the end of March. To date, I have lost that 40 pounds, and am now working on getting to a healthy weight since I have been about 15 pounds overweight for most of my adult life.
In July, 10 days before I was to leave on vacation, I was mugged while waiting for the bus. The man had a gun that he made sure I saw so I'd know he was serious. He only took my wallet and not my whole purse, thank God, so he didn¹t get my bus pass, BART pass, or commuter checks. He did get about $44, a few dollars of the church bulletin money, stamps, address labels (with my P.O. box on them), a calling card, one credit card, my ATM/debit card, and of course my ID. For my trip I found an old ID and that along with my receipt from the DMV when I applied for a new one was enough to get me through airport security.
In early August I flew to Pittsburgh, PA and then got a ride to West Virginia, where General Conference was held this year. It was a wonderful week and when I first began to emerge from the black cloud that my departure from Ex-Witch had placed over my head. There's something special about being at Conference, a place away from the "regular" world where God can work. The scars and pain will never go away. Time does not heal all wounds. It does, however, dull the pain so that life can go on.
I changed medications this year. The Zoloft began to poop out late last year, so I asked my doctor to switch me to Wellbutrin. I weaned off the Zoloft and onto the Wellbutrin sometime in the spring. After a while it became apparent that the Wellbutrin wasn't cutting it and I really needed something that effected seratonin. I asked my doctor for Celexa (it's the cheapest) and started that in early December. It seems to be okay, but I may have to talk with my doctor about raising the dose at my next appointment.
All in all, a sucky year, but the weight loss did give me something positive to pour my energy into. I hope 2005 is significantly better!
Tuesday, December 31, 2002
A Look Back at 2002: The Year of the Cat
Wow, what a year! Can't say I hate seeing it go. It's been too long for my tastes.
No move this year, but I was told I'd have to move early next year. About sixty days notice...the house has been sold, we are all out. I hate moving, and it's even harder with two cats. I wish I could afford my own studio apartment, move in, and stay there 20 years or so.
The year of the cat...oh, how so! I started wanting a kitten late last year, but there were no babies at the time. It took three trips to the shelter before I was able to bring home little Xena, weighing only about 1 1/4 pds. She was about 6-7 weeks old when I brought her home. She's now almost 9 months old and must weight at least 10 pds. Her last weigh-in was several weeks ago and she was over 9 pds. at that point. She is still the light of my life and a beautiful classic silver tabby. I just wanted her; no other cats.
Fate had other plans.
This fall my co-worker, Brad, and I walked out on my back porch after I had not been out to the backyard in quite a while. We were looking for a lawnmower. Instead, we ended up surprising a family of feral kittens who were playing on the back porch. They looked to be about six weeks old.
I rented a trap and managed to catch them all—a mom and six kitten. The mom was an orange tabby, and the kittens—four orange tabby males and two tortie females—were the cutest things, even though they spent a lot of time hissing and spitting.
I'll make a long story short by saying that I gave away the kittens—three to a vet, three to private households—and adopted the mom. I wasn't planning on it, but I had to hold onto her so long before I managed to get her fixed that before I knew it, we belonged to each other. She was used to being in the house, and I couldn't just kick her outside. So the short of it is that I now have two tabbies, one silver and one orange, both spaded females.
I learned about the problems with the feral cat population, and the "fix and release" method of keeping the population steady. Now I want to fix and release more feral cats, though I won't be keeping any more of them. I own my own trap and want to help others by making sure fewer kittens are born.
As for my meds, I changed doctors since I could tell that my pdoc didn't want to give me my meds free anymore. The new doctor is willing to see me less often. I also learned about buying meds from Canada, found I could even get a generic of my prescription not available here in the U.S, and can even somewhat afford it – about $200 U.S. dollars for a three months' supply. She wants me to have a blood test to test for thyroid problems, which can cause depression, but I haven’t been able to get to it yet. I will, as I do feel it should be ruled in or out.
On the spiritual front:
In August, I got to go to my denomination's annual General Conference, held in upstate New York this year. It was so awesome! I attended the whole week and it was the best 500+ bucks I ever spent (including plane fare and everything).
At Conference I was able to give a short version of my testimony at the Tuesday night worship service (largest group I've ever spoken to), and made connection with Andrew Camenga about writing for the Helping Hand. I was later given my first assignment—two weeks of devotionals, due February 1.
I also had the highest spiritual experience of my life at Sabbath Eve worship. Wow! What an awesome God we serve! For so long I have struggled with whether or not God is worthy of praise, even though I know that in my head. That night, I felt it in my heart.
In September of this year Kathi moved her board off Delphi and was able to make regular appearances once again. For the first time in a long time I feel like I am just where I belong doing exactly what God wants me to do. What an awesome feeling! For so long I have felt like I was up on a shelf and God wasn't using me. To see that come to an end and really be able to sink my teeth into the new board has been awesome.
So overall it's been a busy year, but good.
No move this year, but I was told I'd have to move early next year. About sixty days notice...the house has been sold, we are all out. I hate moving, and it's even harder with two cats. I wish I could afford my own studio apartment, move in, and stay there 20 years or so.
The year of the cat...oh, how so! I started wanting a kitten late last year, but there were no babies at the time. It took three trips to the shelter before I was able to bring home little Xena, weighing only about 1 1/4 pds. She was about 6-7 weeks old when I brought her home. She's now almost 9 months old and must weight at least 10 pds. Her last weigh-in was several weeks ago and she was over 9 pds. at that point. She is still the light of my life and a beautiful classic silver tabby. I just wanted her; no other cats.
Fate had other plans.
This fall my co-worker, Brad, and I walked out on my back porch after I had not been out to the backyard in quite a while. We were looking for a lawnmower. Instead, we ended up surprising a family of feral kittens who were playing on the back porch. They looked to be about six weeks old.
I rented a trap and managed to catch them all—a mom and six kitten. The mom was an orange tabby, and the kittens—four orange tabby males and two tortie females—were the cutest things, even though they spent a lot of time hissing and spitting.
I'll make a long story short by saying that I gave away the kittens—three to a vet, three to private households—and adopted the mom. I wasn't planning on it, but I had to hold onto her so long before I managed to get her fixed that before I knew it, we belonged to each other. She was used to being in the house, and I couldn't just kick her outside. So the short of it is that I now have two tabbies, one silver and one orange, both spaded females.
I learned about the problems with the feral cat population, and the "fix and release" method of keeping the population steady. Now I want to fix and release more feral cats, though I won't be keeping any more of them. I own my own trap and want to help others by making sure fewer kittens are born.
As for my meds, I changed doctors since I could tell that my pdoc didn't want to give me my meds free anymore. The new doctor is willing to see me less often. I also learned about buying meds from Canada, found I could even get a generic of my prescription not available here in the U.S, and can even somewhat afford it – about $200 U.S. dollars for a three months' supply. She wants me to have a blood test to test for thyroid problems, which can cause depression, but I haven’t been able to get to it yet. I will, as I do feel it should be ruled in or out.
On the spiritual front:
In August, I got to go to my denomination's annual General Conference, held in upstate New York this year. It was so awesome! I attended the whole week and it was the best 500+ bucks I ever spent (including plane fare and everything).
At Conference I was able to give a short version of my testimony at the Tuesday night worship service (largest group I've ever spoken to), and made connection with Andrew Camenga about writing for the Helping Hand. I was later given my first assignment—two weeks of devotionals, due February 1.
I also had the highest spiritual experience of my life at Sabbath Eve worship. Wow! What an awesome God we serve! For so long I have struggled with whether or not God is worthy of praise, even though I know that in my head. That night, I felt it in my heart.
In September of this year Kathi moved her board off Delphi and was able to make regular appearances once again. For the first time in a long time I feel like I am just where I belong doing exactly what God wants me to do. What an awesome feeling! For so long I have felt like I was up on a shelf and God wasn't using me. To see that come to an end and really be able to sink my teeth into the new board has been awesome.
So overall it's been a busy year, but good.
Tuesday, January 08, 2002
Innocence Dies: 2001 – The Day America Cried
December 24 and 31, 2001
Updated January 8, 2002
It began like any other day. But it wasn’t. It was a day that we will mark time by – before or after?
It seems absurd on the surface to write of a year, and focus primarily on just one day. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. But this year I must. This year, all things pale in the light – or should I say darkness? – of that one day.
September 11, 2001 – oh God, how could You have let these terrorist attacks happen? But You did. And it has brought us together. We are united. We will stand. We are Americans. I have never in my life been so proud of that.
I think we all felt numb the day it happened. The mere thought of carrying on as normal, going through the motions, seemed like sacrilege. But we had to. Even as thousands died and millions (including all of us) mourned. Even as life stopped for so many, and changed for so many more.
How could they attack our country? How could they kill us so crassly? How could they do it in the name of God? But they did. And it’s over. And we have to go on. And we will, because we are Americans.
It seems sacrilege to write of any other happenings this year, but I must. This year was another turning point for me when I started on meds. I can’t believe how much Zoloft has helped me. I pray God will keep His promise to me to not worry about how I will pay. He has been faithful so far.
And of course, I can’t fail to mention the gift. How could I forget the gift? Spending three days at Charles’ house and meeting his new wife and kids was pure, unmerited grace. I didn’t ask for it, and I certainly don’t deserve it. Thank You, God. I don’t know why You keep doing these things for me.
Once I said I was glad to see the year end because it had been so hard. But I wasn’t. Not really. I lied because it seemed the right thing to say and because I wanted to leave the pain behind.
But the pain doesn’t go away. It comes into the new year with us. So I don’t want to say good-bye to 2001. It’s sacrilege, and lying, to leave some things in the past. I will always – always – remember September 11, and it should not be forgotten. I don’t want to leave it in the past as we enter this new year. Indeed, it won’t stay in the past; it is a present reality, even in 2002.
So as I say good-bye to 2001, I will not let go of that one day, even as I embrace whatever the next September 11 holds. May God bless me, this new year, and may He bless and heal my country.
Updated January 8, 2002
It began like any other day. But it wasn’t. It was a day that we will mark time by – before or after?
It seems absurd on the surface to write of a year, and focus primarily on just one day. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. But this year I must. This year, all things pale in the light – or should I say darkness? – of that one day.
September 11, 2001 – oh God, how could You have let these terrorist attacks happen? But You did. And it has brought us together. We are united. We will stand. We are Americans. I have never in my life been so proud of that.
I think we all felt numb the day it happened. The mere thought of carrying on as normal, going through the motions, seemed like sacrilege. But we had to. Even as thousands died and millions (including all of us) mourned. Even as life stopped for so many, and changed for so many more.
How could they attack our country? How could they kill us so crassly? How could they do it in the name of God? But they did. And it’s over. And we have to go on. And we will, because we are Americans.
It seems sacrilege to write of any other happenings this year, but I must. This year was another turning point for me when I started on meds. I can’t believe how much Zoloft has helped me. I pray God will keep His promise to me to not worry about how I will pay. He has been faithful so far.
And of course, I can’t fail to mention the gift. How could I forget the gift? Spending three days at Charles’ house and meeting his new wife and kids was pure, unmerited grace. I didn’t ask for it, and I certainly don’t deserve it. Thank You, God. I don’t know why You keep doing these things for me.
Once I said I was glad to see the year end because it had been so hard. But I wasn’t. Not really. I lied because it seemed the right thing to say and because I wanted to leave the pain behind.
But the pain doesn’t go away. It comes into the new year with us. So I don’t want to say good-bye to 2001. It’s sacrilege, and lying, to leave some things in the past. I will always – always – remember September 11, and it should not be forgotten. I don’t want to leave it in the past as we enter this new year. Indeed, it won’t stay in the past; it is a present reality, even in 2002.
So as I say good-bye to 2001, I will not let go of that one day, even as I embrace whatever the next September 11 holds. May God bless me, this new year, and may He bless and heal my country.
Sunday, December 31, 2000
A Look Back at 2000: The Dark Night of the Soul
Asking "why" may be human, but it doesn’t make much sense anymore. It doesn’t even matter why, even though I know the reasons. This has been one of the worst years of my life—-right up there with the years I thought I had committed the unforgivable sin—-well, ok, a bit below that, but you get the idea.
I don’t want to write about this year. It’s all too fresh in my mind. How could God do this to me? How could He let this happen? How could He engineer it with full knowledge of the pain that lay ahead for me? But these are merely disguised "why" questions, and as I previously stated, the whys don’t matter. What matters is where I find myself and what my reaction will be.
For a long time God has been asking me to deal with some problems in my life, and for that long, I’ve refused. Keeping God at arm’s length and pretending the problems weren’t there was much easier. But He never allows situations like that to last, especially when they hinder our growth.
The foundations were laid late last year with a "chance" meeting on the Internet. I put that in quotes because God knew full well what He was doing. Once I had befriended that lady, He knew she would set in motion a chain of events that would leave me no recourse but to seek counsel. And so in March, with no other alternative and backed into a corner, I did.
And I prayed, prayed like I never have before, for direction, for help. In fact, I think I’ve prayed more this year than all the previous years combined. And I felt Him telling me to get counseling, and so I sought counseling, and in time, found my current counselor. It’s hard to talk about these things with him, much less on paper, so I am remaining general intentionally.
I am working through the problems. It will take time. It will be painful. I do not understand why God allows us to struggle with problems not of our making, but I understand that that will be my lot and the lot of every person alive until He makes all things new once and for all. We live in a sin cursed creation.
This year has been a dark night of the soul for me, one reason why I will be very glad when it is over. Bid farewell to the pain and step into a new year. Last year I looked forward to 2000 with promise and hope—what new things would this year bring? I had no idea of the pain and hurt and depression I would have to go through, and I was unprepared for answers to prayer that were other than what I wanted.
This will be remembered in my memory as the year when I prayed for healing of my mental health, prayed to be made normal, prayed for removal of my problem, and, even though I told God He would get all the glory if such a healing occurred, He said "no." To one of the most important prayers I have ever prayed. "No."
I have long suspected that there may be something wrong with me. My counselor says it is just "Boundaries" issues, but it must go deeper than that. Boundaries can’t hurt this bad. I have been feeling depressed and anxious from the counseling, as well as having many suicidal thoughts, and have had to resort to St. John’s Wort to deal with those.
I hate it. I hate it all. And I resent the hell out of God for putting me through this. I am reminded of a quote by St. Teresa of Avila that I have used often this year in e-mail and bulletin board signatures—-"Lord, if this is how You treat Your friends, no wonder You have so few."
I have freely admitted that likely nothing short of what He did would have moved me to action. He had tried everything else with no success. Though He is patient, He will chastise His children severely if other milder forms of correction don’t work. That’s what happened here.
Though Hebrews 12 says that discipline proves we are His children, let me tell you that is little consolation when the storm breaks fresh and heavy upon you and you are smothered under the weight. Let me tell you it’s little consolation even now, months later.
There is a part of me that is so angry and so scared that it wants to hurt Him, hurt Him as much as He has allowed me to be hurt. What kind of a Father stands idly by while His children suffer?
And yet, there are times when I can still believe God is good. As I write this first draft, it is Christmas Day, and I remember that today we celebrate a God who loved us so much that He became man to die the death that we deserve. He, the eternal God, put on a body—-a body He will always have, and that will bear the scars forever.
The dark night of the soul is still upon me. I see myself slowly descending into a valley. There is no moon, and I cannot see if this valley has an end. I know my Father led me here, but I am scared. The night is cold and dark and windy and just begun—-it is a long time until dawn.
Lord, keep me safe. This has been a hard year, and though I am angry at You and disappointed, I can see Your hand in this year—helping me to find a counselor, and answering my prayers, even if I didn’t like the answer. Please help 2001 to be better than this year has been. Please help me to grow closer to You through the difficulties that lie ahead. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
[Edit: This is no date on this, so I am just picking a date for it.]
I don’t want to write about this year. It’s all too fresh in my mind. How could God do this to me? How could He let this happen? How could He engineer it with full knowledge of the pain that lay ahead for me? But these are merely disguised "why" questions, and as I previously stated, the whys don’t matter. What matters is where I find myself and what my reaction will be.
For a long time God has been asking me to deal with some problems in my life, and for that long, I’ve refused. Keeping God at arm’s length and pretending the problems weren’t there was much easier. But He never allows situations like that to last, especially when they hinder our growth.
The foundations were laid late last year with a "chance" meeting on the Internet. I put that in quotes because God knew full well what He was doing. Once I had befriended that lady, He knew she would set in motion a chain of events that would leave me no recourse but to seek counsel. And so in March, with no other alternative and backed into a corner, I did.
And I prayed, prayed like I never have before, for direction, for help. In fact, I think I’ve prayed more this year than all the previous years combined. And I felt Him telling me to get counseling, and so I sought counseling, and in time, found my current counselor. It’s hard to talk about these things with him, much less on paper, so I am remaining general intentionally.
I am working through the problems. It will take time. It will be painful. I do not understand why God allows us to struggle with problems not of our making, but I understand that that will be my lot and the lot of every person alive until He makes all things new once and for all. We live in a sin cursed creation.
This year has been a dark night of the soul for me, one reason why I will be very glad when it is over. Bid farewell to the pain and step into a new year. Last year I looked forward to 2000 with promise and hope—what new things would this year bring? I had no idea of the pain and hurt and depression I would have to go through, and I was unprepared for answers to prayer that were other than what I wanted.
This will be remembered in my memory as the year when I prayed for healing of my mental health, prayed to be made normal, prayed for removal of my problem, and, even though I told God He would get all the glory if such a healing occurred, He said "no." To one of the most important prayers I have ever prayed. "No."
I have long suspected that there may be something wrong with me. My counselor says it is just "Boundaries" issues, but it must go deeper than that. Boundaries can’t hurt this bad. I have been feeling depressed and anxious from the counseling, as well as having many suicidal thoughts, and have had to resort to St. John’s Wort to deal with those.
I hate it. I hate it all. And I resent the hell out of God for putting me through this. I am reminded of a quote by St. Teresa of Avila that I have used often this year in e-mail and bulletin board signatures—-"Lord, if this is how You treat Your friends, no wonder You have so few."
I have freely admitted that likely nothing short of what He did would have moved me to action. He had tried everything else with no success. Though He is patient, He will chastise His children severely if other milder forms of correction don’t work. That’s what happened here.
Though Hebrews 12 says that discipline proves we are His children, let me tell you that is little consolation when the storm breaks fresh and heavy upon you and you are smothered under the weight. Let me tell you it’s little consolation even now, months later.
There is a part of me that is so angry and so scared that it wants to hurt Him, hurt Him as much as He has allowed me to be hurt. What kind of a Father stands idly by while His children suffer?
And yet, there are times when I can still believe God is good. As I write this first draft, it is Christmas Day, and I remember that today we celebrate a God who loved us so much that He became man to die the death that we deserve. He, the eternal God, put on a body—-a body He will always have, and that will bear the scars forever.
The dark night of the soul is still upon me. I see myself slowly descending into a valley. There is no moon, and I cannot see if this valley has an end. I know my Father led me here, but I am scared. The night is cold and dark and windy and just begun—-it is a long time until dawn.
Lord, keep me safe. This has been a hard year, and though I am angry at You and disappointed, I can see Your hand in this year—helping me to find a counselor, and answering my prayers, even if I didn’t like the answer. Please help 2001 to be better than this year has been. Please help me to grow closer to You through the difficulties that lie ahead. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
[Edit: This is no date on this, so I am just picking a date for it.]
Tuesday, December 28, 1999
A Look Back at 1999: Field of (Broken) Dreams
In grade school I used to think about how old I would be when the millennium turned and I figured I’d be 28 going on 29. Now that time is here. Where have the years gone? I can now easily remember events that took place two decade—decades—ago. But I am here to focus on this last year, not the last 28. I’m doing this without the benefit of going through my journals from the past year, simply because I don’t feel like going through the trouble. So what is written here represents the things that stick out in my own memory.
In contrast to all my past essays—whose very titles always included the word change—this year had remarkably little change. There was a move, to be sure, but the stability that marked this year was unusual. For example, I held the same job all year, at Family Radio.
Speaking of Family Radio, I can’t be sure exactly when I became aware of how much the Statement of Belief issued by Family Radio in the fall of 1998 would effect me. It was either December of 1998 or January of 1999. The late date of all the changes that occurred caused me to say little about this in my essay last year. But there came that time in one of those months where I knew that I would have to sign to be a producer. And I chose not to. That led to me staying on in Network Control, eventually getting the full time overnight shift in the summer of this year. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
In the spring I was kicked out of the place I was living with the lesbian woman. Even though I was only looking for places to sublet in San Francisco, I found a place to live in Oakland. This was difficult for me because I wanted to live in the City so bad. So this was in many ways the end of a dream.
Come to think of it, I gave up a lot of dreams this year. I gave up my dream of being a producer, for either shortwave or domestic (this could have been December, but I’ll not nit-pick). I gave up my dream of being in the City. And I gave up the perfect swing shift offered to me.
It happened like this. In the summer I was moved to the swing shift just in time for Don, who worked the overnight shift, to quit. They moved me to his shift until they could permanently fill it. Right at this point, out of the blue, an idea, a question, that had been percolating in the back of my mind for a long time, came to the fore. I had to know what day of rest the Christian was commanded to keep. I knew that Pastor Innes taught rest on Sundays, and many church members tried to do just that. I had, in fact, been keeping a "Sunday Sabbath" for quite a while, and found it a great time management technique for someone overwhelmed with work and school.
Now I began my search in earnest. I read everything I could get my hands on, and asked lots of questions. I talked to Pastor Sneedin. I did Internet searches. And I finally visited the Bay Area Seventh Day Baptist Church, something I had been meaning to do for a long time and just had "never gotten around to." The pastor there, Pastor Steve, gave me Samuele Bacchiocchi’s book From Sabbath To Sunday. I spent many nights at work pouring over that book and contemplating its message.
Time was short. I had to make a decision, at least a preliminary one, before someone was hired or I would have to work Saturdays. (The shift I had been offered was swing, Tuesday-Saturday.) When I was more sure than not sure, I asked first that when I went to the swing shift, that I be given Friday and Saturday as my days off instead of Sunday and Monday. They said they could not accommodate me. I then asked to be kept on the overnight shift. (This shift was Sunday-Thursday night so it gave me the Sabbath off.) They said they had already hired someone and as soon as his training was complete, I would be transferred to swing. I was told this person could not work swing. That ruined the backup plan I had.
I spent many nights at work crying and praying that things would work out so I could keep the Sabbath. I felt God telling me to sit tight and wait for him. Less than a week before I was to start working Sabbaths, the news came: the guy they hired had not worked out and I could keep the overnight shift if I wanted. I was overjoyed! Though I do not like this shift, I feel it is God’s will for me at this time. That makes it a little easier.
Additionally, since the time I started working at Family Radio I have been moved from one department to another. This move to the graveyard shift marked my first permanent full-time shift in one department. I am grateful for that stability. (Last year I worked full time between two departments, three days a week for Karen, and two nights a week in Network Control. That lasted 8-9 months. This year I worked full time day shift in Network Control, but that was always understood to be temporary.)
Between my work schedule (8-9 months of working Friday and Saturday overnights, leaving me exhausted on Sunday), and people getting married, plus a dearth of pastors at Hamilton leading to a dearth of church-based programs, all added up to a big lack of fellowship. While I loved my church, while a part of me felt I should remain loyal, the need in my soul said otherwise. I wanted out.
I left at a time when two new pastors were just coming on staff and getting to know "the ropes." I left at a time, when, if I would have stayed just a little longer, I may have found a reason to stay. But the damage had already been done. I wanted out and the only thing that remained was to find the way.
I left for six weeks, visiting other area churches, looking for one to join. I thought God was calling me back to Hamilton, so in obedience I went back—for two weeks. That was about the time the SDBs entered the picture, and I left (for what turned out to be) for good. I did not leave over the Sabbath issue; I left over fellowship issues. My needs simply weren’t being met anymore. That may seem selfish. I defend it as self-preservation.
Since the time I began attending the SDB church, I have not left. There was a short transition period of about two weeks, but I was looking for a way out of Hamilton, and this provided that out. I dropped membership at Hamilton in August, and joined the SDB church in September. They are a small church and so the fellowship is wonderful.
I guess a wrap-up of this year wouldn’t be complete without mentioning Mike in passing. I really thought I was in love—actually, yes, I was—and I don’t know what fell apart or why. He only said that we had our issues to work on, and they needed to be worked on separately. He naively said he wanted to just be “friends.” I know that never works out and rejected that. That was early December and we have not spoken since. This is the first time I’ve "dated" (even if it was long distance—we met on the Internet) since I was saved. It is hard to have your heart broken. How do you forgive a brother in Christ for something like that? I dreamed of him being my husband. Now that dream, too, is gone.
After that lowlight of the year, perhaps I should mention the highlight: Charles’ visit in September, and his short layover at the airport two weeks later in October. He was here on business in September and spent a few days here. We got to spend real, good quality time together, the first and likely last time that will happen. But it filled a long-standing desire within me, the desire to spend some time with the dear man who led me to Christ. We spent lots of time talking and one day gallivanting around the City. I came away from that feeling satisfied. God has been gracious to me to give me that time with him, something so long desired, so long denied.
So here I stand wondering where the year went. It always seems so short by the time December comes. And I am also at the edge of a new millennium. What will the millennium bring? If the last year of the old millennium was marked by a lack of change, what of the new year, and—where I will spend the rest of my life—the new millennium? I am aware of the blessing of being alive at this time to see this new millennium come. And I know that whatever happens, whether there is much change or little in 2000, God will be with me through it all.
In contrast to all my past essays—whose very titles always included the word change—this year had remarkably little change. There was a move, to be sure, but the stability that marked this year was unusual. For example, I held the same job all year, at Family Radio.
Speaking of Family Radio, I can’t be sure exactly when I became aware of how much the Statement of Belief issued by Family Radio in the fall of 1998 would effect me. It was either December of 1998 or January of 1999. The late date of all the changes that occurred caused me to say little about this in my essay last year. But there came that time in one of those months where I knew that I would have to sign to be a producer. And I chose not to. That led to me staying on in Network Control, eventually getting the full time overnight shift in the summer of this year. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
In the spring I was kicked out of the place I was living with the lesbian woman. Even though I was only looking for places to sublet in San Francisco, I found a place to live in Oakland. This was difficult for me because I wanted to live in the City so bad. So this was in many ways the end of a dream.
Come to think of it, I gave up a lot of dreams this year. I gave up my dream of being a producer, for either shortwave or domestic (this could have been December, but I’ll not nit-pick). I gave up my dream of being in the City. And I gave up the perfect swing shift offered to me.
It happened like this. In the summer I was moved to the swing shift just in time for Don, who worked the overnight shift, to quit. They moved me to his shift until they could permanently fill it. Right at this point, out of the blue, an idea, a question, that had been percolating in the back of my mind for a long time, came to the fore. I had to know what day of rest the Christian was commanded to keep. I knew that Pastor Innes taught rest on Sundays, and many church members tried to do just that. I had, in fact, been keeping a "Sunday Sabbath" for quite a while, and found it a great time management technique for someone overwhelmed with work and school.
Now I began my search in earnest. I read everything I could get my hands on, and asked lots of questions. I talked to Pastor Sneedin. I did Internet searches. And I finally visited the Bay Area Seventh Day Baptist Church, something I had been meaning to do for a long time and just had "never gotten around to." The pastor there, Pastor Steve, gave me Samuele Bacchiocchi’s book From Sabbath To Sunday. I spent many nights at work pouring over that book and contemplating its message.
Time was short. I had to make a decision, at least a preliminary one, before someone was hired or I would have to work Saturdays. (The shift I had been offered was swing, Tuesday-Saturday.) When I was more sure than not sure, I asked first that when I went to the swing shift, that I be given Friday and Saturday as my days off instead of Sunday and Monday. They said they could not accommodate me. I then asked to be kept on the overnight shift. (This shift was Sunday-Thursday night so it gave me the Sabbath off.) They said they had already hired someone and as soon as his training was complete, I would be transferred to swing. I was told this person could not work swing. That ruined the backup plan I had.
I spent many nights at work crying and praying that things would work out so I could keep the Sabbath. I felt God telling me to sit tight and wait for him. Less than a week before I was to start working Sabbaths, the news came: the guy they hired had not worked out and I could keep the overnight shift if I wanted. I was overjoyed! Though I do not like this shift, I feel it is God’s will for me at this time. That makes it a little easier.
Additionally, since the time I started working at Family Radio I have been moved from one department to another. This move to the graveyard shift marked my first permanent full-time shift in one department. I am grateful for that stability. (Last year I worked full time between two departments, three days a week for Karen, and two nights a week in Network Control. That lasted 8-9 months. This year I worked full time day shift in Network Control, but that was always understood to be temporary.)
Between my work schedule (8-9 months of working Friday and Saturday overnights, leaving me exhausted on Sunday), and people getting married, plus a dearth of pastors at Hamilton leading to a dearth of church-based programs, all added up to a big lack of fellowship. While I loved my church, while a part of me felt I should remain loyal, the need in my soul said otherwise. I wanted out.
I left at a time when two new pastors were just coming on staff and getting to know "the ropes." I left at a time, when, if I would have stayed just a little longer, I may have found a reason to stay. But the damage had already been done. I wanted out and the only thing that remained was to find the way.
I left for six weeks, visiting other area churches, looking for one to join. I thought God was calling me back to Hamilton, so in obedience I went back—for two weeks. That was about the time the SDBs entered the picture, and I left (for what turned out to be) for good. I did not leave over the Sabbath issue; I left over fellowship issues. My needs simply weren’t being met anymore. That may seem selfish. I defend it as self-preservation.
Since the time I began attending the SDB church, I have not left. There was a short transition period of about two weeks, but I was looking for a way out of Hamilton, and this provided that out. I dropped membership at Hamilton in August, and joined the SDB church in September. They are a small church and so the fellowship is wonderful.
I guess a wrap-up of this year wouldn’t be complete without mentioning Mike in passing. I really thought I was in love—actually, yes, I was—and I don’t know what fell apart or why. He only said that we had our issues to work on, and they needed to be worked on separately. He naively said he wanted to just be “friends.” I know that never works out and rejected that. That was early December and we have not spoken since. This is the first time I’ve "dated" (even if it was long distance—we met on the Internet) since I was saved. It is hard to have your heart broken. How do you forgive a brother in Christ for something like that? I dreamed of him being my husband. Now that dream, too, is gone.
After that lowlight of the year, perhaps I should mention the highlight: Charles’ visit in September, and his short layover at the airport two weeks later in October. He was here on business in September and spent a few days here. We got to spend real, good quality time together, the first and likely last time that will happen. But it filled a long-standing desire within me, the desire to spend some time with the dear man who led me to Christ. We spent lots of time talking and one day gallivanting around the City. I came away from that feeling satisfied. God has been gracious to me to give me that time with him, something so long desired, so long denied.
So here I stand wondering where the year went. It always seems so short by the time December comes. And I am also at the edge of a new millennium. What will the millennium bring? If the last year of the old millennium was marked by a lack of change, what of the new year, and—where I will spend the rest of my life—the new millennium? I am aware of the blessing of being alive at this time to see this new millennium come. And I know that whatever happens, whether there is much change or little in 2000, God will be with me through it all.
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