Thursday, December 30, 2004

A Look Back At 2004: Losing Everything

I might make some more changes still, but this is pretty much my wrap-up for the year.

Losing Everything: A Look Back At 2004

This has been a very hard year, and one I don't wish to repeat. New Year¹s Day 2005 will be the one year anniversary, and I am hoping for a feeling a closure, to leave behind this rotten year and move forward.

On New Year's Day I was kicked out of Ex-Witch Ministries. It had been a long time in coming and perhaps if I had cared to read the handwriting on the wall instead of sticking my head in the sand I could have left on better terms, before it all blew up in my face. I am now convinced God wanted me out and since I wasn't listening, He forced me to listen. Plus, He had warned me before I was ultimately caught. I spent the fall of 2003 wrestling with the issue, and at one point we studied the book of James in Sabbath School - very convicting. However, He comforts His hurting children and just as I don't believe studying James was coincidence, neither do I believe that studying Job this January was either.

I nearly lost my faith and I am still surprised at just how close to going back I came. I tried with all my human strength to keep hold of Jesus, but it was hard. See, SHE showed up when I was at my weakest and most hurting. Those who claimed to represent Christ in my life had just hurt me more deeply than any human being ever had. It wasn't like losing a job; it was like an acrimonious divorce, complete with the stalking and false accusations that often accompany such things.

Into this, SHE pounced when she knew I was least likely to offer resistance. As God was being quiet right then, the offer of something supernatural communicating with me was too good to resist. I craved it, so I stupidly let her stay. It was the beginning of five weeks of hell. Once I'd given her a foothold, she talked to me quite often, telling me what I wanted to hear. It usually wasn¹t the truth of course, but I wanted to believe it.

One thing that stayed my hand on going back to her was that she had upped the anti. This wasn't a simple offer to turn my back on God and play with her for a while. I've done that before. She's always wanted me back, but never with conditions. This time, it was different. She placed one condition on my return to her ­ to renounce the God I worshipped. I sensed this was BIG, and was reticent to do it. I think there may have been more at stake than anybody knew at the time. It was my biggest test yet of loyalty to Him, and who knows what would have happened if I had failed it. God takes His covenants seriously, and trying to break it would likely have horrible consequences.

Finally, on a night in early February I leveled with God and told Him that I would go back if He didn't do something ­ she was just plain wearing me down. It took a few days, but something happened the following Sunday at City Church. I can't explain it, but I walked out without her as a problem. I learned something important from that - the God of the Bible is much more powerful than any other so-called God. They flee before Him.

In the middle of February and joined Curves and began trying to lose weight. I was over 200 pounds, having gained roughly 40 on the Zoloft. In mid-March I had my first weigh-in and had lost a disappointing 3.8 pounds. I was so depressed that I decided I needed to get serious with my diet. I started Atkins the end of March. To date, I have lost that 40 pounds, and am now working on getting to a healthy weight since I have been about 15 pounds overweight for most of my adult life.

In July, 10 days before I was to leave on vacation, I was mugged while waiting for the bus. The man had a gun that he made sure I saw so I'd know he was serious. He only took my wallet and not my whole purse, thank God, so he didn¹t get my bus pass, BART pass, or commuter checks. He did get about $44, a few dollars of the church bulletin money, stamps, address labels (with my P.O. box on them), a calling card, one credit card, my ATM/debit card, and of course my ID. For my trip I found an old ID and that along with my receipt from the DMV when I applied for a new one was enough to get me through airport security.

In early August I flew to Pittsburgh, PA and then got a ride to West Virginia, where General Conference was held this year. It was a wonderful week and when I first began to emerge from the black cloud that my departure from Ex-Witch had placed over my head. There's something special about being at Conference, a place away from the "regular" world where God can work. The scars and pain will never go away. Time does not heal all wounds. It does, however, dull the pain so that life can go on.

I changed medications this year. The Zoloft began to poop out late last year, so I asked my doctor to switch me to Wellbutrin. I weaned off the Zoloft and onto the Wellbutrin sometime in the spring. After a while it became apparent that the Wellbutrin wasn't cutting it and I really needed something that effected seratonin. I asked my doctor for Celexa (it's the cheapest) and started that in early December. It seems to be okay, but I may have to talk with my doctor about raising the dose at my next appointment.

All in all, a sucky year, but the weight loss did give me something positive to pour my energy into. I hope 2005 is significantly better!

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