Sunday, January 25, 2004

Go and Sin No More

Church yesterday really helped. Put me in a good frame of mind. I stayed the whole day and we gathered at pastor's house, even though he had to catch a flight to So. Cal. for a meeting that night. Jane showed a couple videos of R.T. Kendell being interviewed for a couple books he wrote. One book was on forgiveness.

When I got home there was a message from Jules from EW also saying I should forgive. I already knew it, but why does God need to bash me over the head with it?

Due to the e-mail K sent earlier this week, pastor wanted to talk to me yesterday. As for the sin that started all this, I once again admitted it was wrong, told him I had not been to any of those sites since, and in return he showed something that has been in short supply lately - mercy and grace. He said, "Go and sin no more."

In Sabbath School we finished up Job with God's speach at the end. Studying Job for the last month has been a comfort. Yes, I know God sees me and my situation.

Friday, January 23, 2004

Burnt Offerings

The goddess wants me back. She tells me that she'll take me back, why do I need a God who does this to His followers, and lets other followers do it? She's not angry. She'll welcome me back. It's a seductive song. She tells me to renounce this God I've been following and go where I am loved and supported. Who is the worthy one? Who truly loves me?

Well, I need to get ready for Sabbath.

Sunday, January 18, 2004


I had a very productive sick day at home. I dyed my hair (red), painted my nails (black), vaccuumed the rug, fixed the links on my Sabbath pages, got the new printer up and running finally (that took all morning), did some work on the church binder to get everything in place and ready for our next business meeting, and of course, updated my blog.

Thursday, January 15, 2004


I think I'm getting something. My throat was sore all Thursday and it only got progressively worse. I guess I will find out how bad it is when I wake up later today. I managed to get Sunday off if I need it (Lisa said she will fill in if I want), but after that I don't know. Brad is on vacation this coming week so it's the wrong week to get sick. I'm even supposed to do some much needed overtime. I am sure I am sick because the stress I've been placed under for two weeks now has broken down my immune system. First I battle a cold sore and now this.

And on that note, I have to go get the laundry downstairs.

Wednesday, January 14, 2004


...trouble seemed so far away, now it looks as if it's here to stay, oh I believe in yesterday."

So goes a popular song. It should be my theme song for the year.

What the HELL has become of my life in 2 lousy weeks? And what is He trying to tell me by having Job as our Sabbath School lesson for the past two weeks (and probably this next week, too)? I don't believe it's coincidence.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING GOD??? I simply don't understand and it would help me so much if I did.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

Shooting the Wounded

Bought a replica of Arwen's necklace from Lord of the Rings on Monday with my birthday money. It's on backorder, but it'll come eventually. It cost $95, the most I have ever spent for a piece of jewelry. But it's sterling silver so it's good quality.

I know this trouble is of God, but I think He's sad how it's being dealt with. Why is it that Christians are the only army who shoot their own wounded? I feel like Jim Bakker or something. But I know God loves me. Today in my devotional reading, this leapt out at me:

Revelation 3
19 As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.

Those are Jesus' own words to the church in Laodicea.

Monday, January 12, 2004

Mellowing Out

Nothing special for my birthday. Eleanor took me out to George's Hamburgers Friday afternoon. I went out to dinner with Brad and Regina and their son Saturday night, but it was planned far ahead of time and was not a birthday dinner. The 11th was a pretty normal Sunday.

I truly understand now what I did. While K, M, and L all made mistakes in dealing with me, pastor reminded me that that is between them and God. I cannot change their minds; I must work on myself and do my part in this, regardless of whether I think they have done theirs. I also must take my punishment, whatever it is. This punishment is from God, not from them, and so I can bear it.

Hebrews 12:4-11 -

4 Ye have not yet resisted unto blood, striving against sin.
5 And ye have forgotten the exhortation which speaketh unto you as unto children, My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him:
6 For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.
7 If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?
8 But if ye be without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons.
9 Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live?
10 For they verily for a few days chastened us after their own pleasure; but he for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness.
11 Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.

Saturday, January 10, 2004

poem: Crucify Me

Crucify Me
Crucify me,
Beat me,
Whip me,
Hurt me.
I don't matter,
I don't matter anymore.
You need me to be like you,
Subscribing to and living
Your idea of holiness.
But I am not that person.

I cry myself to sleep,
Hurt beyond measure
By those I thought friends.
It is indeed true that
Christians are the only army who
Shoot their own wounded,
Force them to recover on their own.
But it is okay.
The tears weld my eyes shut in sleep,
But I wish for them to be
Welded shut in death.
Oh God, please let me die.