Friday, July 30, 2004


Worked out for 45 minutes today, 5 minutes of stretching, and some walking in the city to shop and check my mail.

Discovered the difference in jeans. The stretch jeans are TIGHT in the hip and thigh, and I need a 16. The non-stretch jeans are relaxed in the hip and thigh and I can wear a 14! :) So I bought a pair of non-stretch 14s (still can't fit the stretch 14s in the closet), and a jeans jacket. The jacket is XXL. :( Even the XL was tight in the armpits and shoulders.

Anyway, a cool new jeans outfit to go on vacation with. Total cost of about $52-$53.

Size 14/16

Worked out for 45 minutes today, 5 minutes of stretching, and some walking in the city to shop and check my mail.

Discovered the difference in jeans. The stretch jeans are tight in the hip and thigh, and I need a 16. The non-stretch jeans are relaxed in the hip and thigh and I can wear a 14! :) So I bought a pair of non-stretch 14s (still can't fit the stetch 14s in the closet), and a jeans jacket. The jacket is XXL. :( Even the XL was tight in the armpits and shoulders.

Anyway, a cool new jeans outfit to go on vacation with. Total cost of about $52-$53.

Thursday, July 29, 2004



I gained 2 pounds! I've been eating more carbs, sure, but never more than 50 a day. And last week I didn't exercise because of my wallet being stolen and all my time and energy went into dealing with that situation. And now I'm 2 pounds heavier! *wail*

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

I hope I show a weight loss for the last two weeks, but TOM is coming in the next week or two (I hope he doesn't show up until AFTER Conference!), so I may be at my highest weight before I leave and show little to no loss. :-p I have been craving sugar lately, but been staying away because I don't want my addictions in control.
Everyone wish my luck that I make good choices at Conference. It'll be college dorm food for a week and I will be thrilled to simply not gain. Then I will come back and cut my carbs and get back to fat burning again. I think I don't need to go back to Induction or anything. Just maybe cut back to like 40g a day, which is where I should be right now (I go over every day - been terrible this week).

I'll post my weight tomorrow and that will remain my official weight for at least a week and a half until I get back. Oh, I hope I don't gain!

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Back to Work :(

I am working only Monday and Wednesday this week and I will get some sort of escort to a place to wait (but no one to wait with me), but after I get back from vacation, I am once more fair game for every mugger out there. :( I wish my employer were more understanding.

Went to City Church today. I really needed the extra shot in the arm. Visiting City Church always makes me feel thankful to God. I also needed communion. I know it is "just" a symbol, but I find a grace in it that I was never taught was there. We recited the Apostles' Creed as usual. It gave me the idea for the unison reading I'll need to do at church this next weekend. We haven't done the Nicene Creed in a while. :)

Which reminds me, we may have a guest speaker, but Anita and I have to run the actual service. I'll probably do the unison reading and the offering. Anita will do the singing. I'm trying to get the guest speaker, Pastor Sexton from First Baptist Church of Modesto, to do the opening prayer. I really detest praying out loud in public.

I leave next Sunday for Conference. Yea! My one real vacation all year. No updates here during that time. I will try to keep a journal and post it when I get back.

Birthday party

Birthday party at church yesterday. I ate lots of meat and salad, and had an Atkins Advantage bar instead of cake and ice cream. Yep, not one bite of either for me. I just made sure I was stuffed so that I wouldn't WANT any, lol. I did eat 48g of carbs though, which is way more than normal for me.

Friday, July 23, 2004

"That's the Reality of the Situation"

That's what I was told by my boss. I either go back to work on that shift, or find another department (slim to no chance of this). Anything else would impact other people negatively, so I have to go back out there, even though this will probably happen again. All I can do is go down to the Park and Ride lot and wait there, as if a little more light is going to stop something happening. (Seeing as how bright lights made no difference this time.)

"We can get someone to drive you down to the Park and Ride," they said, but only until I can psychologically get over this (!!!). In other words, they want me to be held up at gunpoint again. They are all men; they have no conception and they don't care. It's my fault I don't have a car, it's my fault this happened because I work swing. Either that or find another job "with another company." (I.e. Start over, good-bye, and good riddens.) Maybe God really does want me dead. :( Maybe it will be better that way.

Send in the Clowns

Where do I start? Right after the hold up I tried to call my bank,but they said they could do little until the next day - the servers were being updated overnight. They said to call back at 6 a.m. When I got home I contacted Experion and placed a flag on my account. They said they would contact the other two major companies. They also gave me a free credit report that I printed out. Then I called Old Navy and cancelled my credit card with them, something I've been meaning to do for a while anyway.

Tuesday night I didn't sleep at all. Wednesday morning at 6 a.m. I called my bank and cancelled my ATM/Visa card. To close my account (he got my checks,too) I needed to go into a branch, so that had to wait until later that day. Then I went into my local branch and put a freeze on my old account. It couldn't be closed due to two outstanding charges I had made Tuesday in SF. I opened a new account, ordered new checks, and they gavemy temporary checks. What is doubley sad is that I had just received new checks for my old account, and now the money spent on those is gone.

Then I tried to go to the Social Security office to replace my card (yep, that was in the wallet, too). I grabbed an Atkins shake to get some nutrition into me, but the bus driver copped me an attitude and wouldn't let me on the bus with the drink, so I had to wait until the next one. I cried right there at the bus stop. Next, the address listed in the phone book was incorrect! So Social Security would have to wait until Thursday. Then I changed clothes to go to the DMV to replace my IC card. When I was almost there I remembered I needed money to BUY the new card, and I had none. I know that seems like an incredibly stupid thing to not think about, but I hadn't slept all night. I accomplished almost zippo Wednesday.

Wednesday night my appetite finally came back and I ate a lot, had a couple drinks, took two Benedryl, and crashed out for about 15 hours. Thursday was payday, so I went to the bank, found that even though the two charges had cleared, they still couldn't close my account because my paycheck had been deposited into it. They transfered the money, but it will be another day until it can be closed.

I took out $100, went to Social Security to get a new card, went to the DMV for a new ID (ID cards in California are now $20!), and then went to work to get my direct deposit transfered to my new account. Louise had left for the wekend, so I gave the check to someone else. Lupe wasn't there so I left a note on her desk that I needed a new Health Assistance card. I also found out that they thought my access card had been in my wallet, so it had been deactivated. I talked to Carla and she fixed it. Finally, I did some grocery shopping on my way home.

Today I have to hit my other bank in SF and get a copy of the police report. I called Delta yesterday about flying with no ID and they said a copy of the police report might help. So far I have an old expired Califoirnia ID (thank You, God for helping me find that!). I have recepits from both Social Security and the DMV that I applied for new cards, a certified copy of my birth cirtificate I dug out of my files, and hopefully a copy of the police report.

Theology of the Chaos

I know I'm rambling, but it's been a busy week and I want to get everything down; I know some stuff will be left out. I think about the hold up a lot during the day, but haven't had any nightmares. That's a blessing. I'm just holding onto God's promise that He won't give us more than we can handle.

I came across a couple quotes yesterday that I wanted to share: very gentle with young Christians, just as mothers are with very young babies...But as they grow stronger, and are able to bear more, He excercises them in a tougher school. He exposes them to as much testing by the pressure of opposed and discouraging influences as they are able to bear - not more (see the promise, 1 Corinthians 10:13), but equally not less (see the admonition, Acts 14:22). Thus He builds out character, strengthens our faith, and prepares us to help others. --J.I. Packer, Knowing God redeem our brokenness and lovelessness the God who suffers with us did not strike some mighty blow of power but sent his beloved son to be like us, through his suffering to redeem us from suffering and evil. Instead of explaining our suffering God shares it. --Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son, pg. 81.

And that's a God I can believe in. :)

And this:
In the face of tragedy, I can respond either by blaming and turning against God or by turning toward him, trusting him to fashion good out of bad. One option focuses on the past and closes off the future. The other option opens the future, allowing an Artist to use whatever happens as the raw material for a new story, different than it would have been without the tragedy or failure, but in some ways even richer, redeemed...The wound will never heal completely, the problem never find a pure solution. We are offered instead the less satisfying but more realistic hope that God can redeem even the wound. --Philip Yancey, Reaching for the Invisible God, pgs. 267, 275-6

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Brain Fog

Some days are better than other days. I tried to write the Bible devotions that I'm getting paid to do and are on a deadline, but just couldn't think. I had to really struggle to do just three; on a good day I could have knocked off an entire week in the same time! :-p Total brain fog today. I think I need more sleep. I give up for the day. Maybe tomorrow I can think clearer and get more work done. The writing is hard work, but I love it, since I 1) love crafting words, and 2) learn something new each time.

This Fallen World

No time to go into detail...I'm still in shock. I got held up at gunpoint Tuesday night and my wallet stolen. Only $44 and a couple credit cards, but I'm still in shock. The man scratched my hand when he grabbed the wallet from me, but I am okay other than that.

Please pray for me.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

I notice fat people around me more. Today while waiting for the bus I took out my Atkins book and was just casually reading portions of it, and finding lots of stuff and pulling out my highlighter. There was this really fat woman who came up next to me and sat down. She was waiting for another bus that stops at the same stop. I glanced at her groceries - frozen pizza. There's that deadly high carbs and high fat combination. I had a frozen pizza, too, but it was a single serving Atkins pizza (gosh, was it GOOD!). I wonder if she saw what I was reading!

Oh, BTW, my church is becoming more supportive of my diet, but it was at the expense of a nasty aside from Jane about how I used to "really put it away" (i.e. eat a lot). Gee, thanks. I like you, too. :-p

Is It the Full Moon?

Well, Nancy finally got fed up with Sutera and gagged her on Thursday. Of course she immediately came back under more than a half dozen user names, and Nancy gagged each one. I am keeping my hands clean in this, and am refusing to do anything to her so that I can truthfully say that I have gagged none of her new aliases. We also found out that she is "DebLaPlante," a poster who caused trouble a couple years ago. She critisized Nancy for revealing her real name online, but SHE'S the one who admitted that Deb LaPlante was her real name, lol.

Anyway, it was a long day/night. She seems to have left for now - probably sleeping. She'll no doubt be back tomorrow. I really hope this is the end of this and we don't have to go through it again.

The funny part of all this? I have been fed up with Sutera for a long time, but Wednesday I posted a prayer request at CH Refugee about this, and spent time praying about it on the way home. One thing I asked God was to either calm her down, and make her go so ballistic that no doubt will be left about her true nature.

Well, after sending yet another complaint to Nancy today, she finally decided to take action. It is NOT coincidence that this happened the day after I prayed about it. God is so good! Now I must keep praying because Deb going ballistic is NOT a pretty sight!

Thank You, God for Your quick answer to this prayer!

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Exercise bike

Trudging on out to my friend's house tomorrow. Ug. At least it is for a good cause. She's going to give me her old exercise bike. It's really old and the speedometer is broken, but the pedals should work. This way I can exercise at home on days when Curves is closed.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

I give the fuck up!, take 2

I've prayed and asked God to deal with the situation because it is beyond me. Maybe he just wants me to come to the end of myself, and frankly, I don't think I'm quite there yet.

God has allowed everything this year to happen, and I don't suppose fighting Him on it will do any good. It is as it is, and none of it took Him by surprize. He saw it all before it happened and was therefore in the midst of it when we in our time/space mindset got there. I missed Him before, but now I see that He was there, even if He could not be seen, even though He chose to remain silent and let me suffer.

It's true what the Bible says about Him not allowing us to be tested beyond what we're able (1 Cor. 10:13). When I finally reached the end of my strength and cried out, He answered and pulled me back from the edge of the cliff.

I know the lesson I am supposed to learn this year; it couldn't be clearer. But it frustrates me to no end that I can't grasp it. How *do* you forgive someone who feels justified in hurting you, and in fact believes it is love?

I have nowhere else to go, but following Him is truly hard.

I give the fuck up!

Pardon the French. I'm really upset today. So upset I haven't had a good meal since breakfast because the whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach and I just can't eat. All I ate was a couple bunless hot dogs.

I give up. I can't handle this any longer. I can't take one more stab to the heart, one more twisting of the knife to cause more pain, one more "in your face" accusation to smear what reputation I may still have left.

I've had it. I got some serious praying to do on this issue and figure out what God wants me to do from here, but I can't take it anymore. If He doesn't want me in ministry, then He needs to tell me that, or He needs to take care of M, or give me a way of dealing with him because one more post from either of them and I swear I will lose it and that ain't pretty. I'm like Carol; I like to burn my bridges with nukes.

Sunday, July 11, 2004


God, what a day. No breakfast because of the lipid test I had to have. So I make my way, half asleep and cranky from low blood sugar, out to the place, trying to juggle one container of coffee, and one of a protein drink.

So I have the test - so painful - and then have to give them a unine sample. Bleh. Not a good experience.

Then some shopping at Mervyn's for underwear, a bra, and a cute little lace nighty that was on sale and BEGGING to be bought, lol. Then over to Albertson's because they had hot dogs on sale. Had trouble finding one for a decent sale price that had minimal carbs. The super cheap hot dogs had 4-5 carbs PER DOG. I finally found a huge pack of Foster Farms dogs with almost no carbs, and at a good price.

Then off to excercise at the Alameda-East Curves. At least I got repreive on my bad day while excercising there. Then off to my home Curves, open for the afternoon by then. Angel told me that they would sell the Curves shirts. I was also hoping they might sell me one of the cups, as I need something to hold my protein drinks. Well, they won't sell anything. Angel told me wrong. Isabelle could hear that I was upset and offered to sell me a cup for $5 and I accepted. But all I had in my wallet was a 1, a 10, and a 20. Curves had "no change." By this time I really was getting frustrated. I said I'd look for change and walked out. But as I walked I decided this was getting rediculous, and I wasn't going to put up with being jerked around like that. Who wants to drink out of a cup everyday that has those memories attached?

So back to the shopping center and GNC to buy a shaker cup there. Then back to Mervyn's to exchange the XL lace nighty for a L size, as the XL was too big.

I hadn't had anything but that protein drink all day, so I decided to go to Burger King and check out that new low carb menu I see advertised in the window. I asked for a double Whopper with cheese. First the cashier didn't know how to ring it up, then the people in the kitchen couldn't get the cheese on it. I saw the receipt and it clearly said "cheese," so they charged me for it, but they left it off! Idiots! I've had a rotten day and I can't even EAT without them screwing up the order. I didn't discover it until I was all the way home. They put it in a side order salad container, way too small for the patty size. And they didn't wrap it in lettuce like someone here said they would. They just covered it in those little pieces of lettuce, and then didn't even give me a knife and fork to eat with! I asked for no ketchip, and they gave me no anything, not even mayo, just a dry burger.

This rates as one of my worse experiences ever. I will NOT be going back.

The only redeeming quality of today - a reminder of God's goodness. As I sat here typing I watched Dateline NBC. It was about a Christian man who's wife and daughter were killed in a car wreck by a 19-year-old drag racer. It took a long time, but he came to forgive the person and kept him out of prison, and now the two of them talk at high schools about the dangers of drag racing and driving too fast. I was crying by the end. The work that grace can do in a person's heart will never cease to amaze me. I hope God will work that grace in my heart towards those who hurt me, even though none of them admit any culpability.

From the rising of the sun unto the going down of the same the LORD's name is to be praised.
--Psalm 113:3

I have a food scale now

Saturday at church I got a couple of comments from the kids about how good I looked. :-D That felt good.

Today (Sunday) I got to work to find that Mom had sent me her old Weight Watchers scale to measure food portions. Some food has to be entered in my journal in ounces, and it's hard to guess. Since WW now uses the point system and she doesn't need the scale, I asked if she'd give it to me. It's old and grubby, but looks accurate and even has the feature to put a plate on it and zero it out. I put what I knew to be 2 ounces of cheese on it and it came up correctly.

weight stuff

Saturday at church I got a couple of comments from the kids about how good I looked. :-D That felt good.

Today I got to work to find that Mom had sent me her old Weight Watchers scale to measure food portions. Some food has to be entered in my journal in ounces, and it's hard to guess. Since WW now uses the point system and she doesn't need the scale, I asked if she'd give it to me. It's old and grubby, but looks acurate and even has the feature to put a plate on it and zero it out. I put what I knew to be 2 ounces of cheese on it and it came up correctly.

Friday, July 09, 2004

Saturday, July 03, 2004

The Write Stuff

Been working on outlining the five weeks of devotions that are due September 1. One week we are studying forgiveness and I found a couple Scriptures that I had never noticed before. They deal with forgiving and restoring an erring brother: Luke 17:1-5 and 2 Corinthians 2:5-11. In the first passage we see that failing to forgive an erring brother who asks for forgiveness can cause him to "stumble," and in the second we find that punishment should not be compounded by refusing to forgive the person and failing to offer "comfort." In other words - don't toss them out and refuse to accept an apology; doing so will harm the very person you are claiming to want to help. I love doing these assignments. I always learn something new!

It's been a bitch of a year all starting on January 1. I hope to spend New Year's Eve this year in San Francisco, happily and gratefully letting go of the hell that has been 2004. Halfway there! And may the next six months be better than the last six.

Oh yes, before I forget, I love my new full bed that Ellie and I picked out last Friday and was delivered last Sunday. Dad says he will pay for it. I have not had such a large bed since I was a child.

That Former Forum

The more time passes the more I am glad I was forced out. I hear stories filtering out and am just so glad that I am not forced to watch it all happen, unable to do anything. I am just too different from them.

Been praying about whether I should leave as mod of the depression forum to keep a repeat of this "former forum" from happening there, but I didn't have a peace about it, so for now I will stay. I wish I would have done the same then. I could have saved myself a lot of pain and feelings of violation. I let my desire for power and my desire to help others overcome my common sense.

God allowed me to be tried sorely, and allowed HER to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. They will never know how close I came to going back, and how it was God's hand that slapped HER down when I could take little more, to stay my hand from doing something I would regret. He let me be tried, but not beyond what I could handle - just to the edge. When I finally told God, from the heart, that I could not take much more, He stepped in. Good came out of this experience, though - I saw how much more powerful God is than HER. When I am tempted again, I will have something to make me stop and think.

So yes, Romans 8:28 has been at work, and God has managed to bring some small good out of the massive pain that could have destroyed me. I am still trying to forgive. So far all I can do is pray that I be forgiven for my unforgiveness. I know forgiveness would be true freedom; why can I not walk through that door? Untimate freedom will be when they are so far from my mind that they no longer merit any mention here. Lord, bring me to that place!

If I am such a bad judge of character, how can I be sure that anybody I allow myself to care about won't hurt me just as bad? Thank God for Brian, Christian Humor Refugee, especially the private folder I have access to, and my church.


Well, she came back under name after name after name, that was easy to pick because she really people to know it's her. She's very bad at giving herself away like that. So Nancy imposed a 24 hour waiting period for new posters so we could pick off her nicks before she could post.

Sutera responded by coming in under completely different nicks to try to circumvent this. She came in posing as a person asking honest questions about ADs all the way up to pretending to be a gay man and calling me the old, trite "homophobic" names again. *sigh* This girl really needs a life. She's nearly as bad as R U S S, maybe worse, and that is quite an accomplishment. She's also far more dangerous than he could ever be.

Now the forum is private; you have to get an invite from Nancy to even read. She says if Sutera tries to get past this that she WILL report her to her ISP. Thus far it's quiet. She is hiding, waiting for the waters to calm. After all, she has been let in before; maybe Nancy will let her run amok again if some time passes. She will eventually come back. She is not one to ever give up.

Back on the Wagon

Fell off the wagon last weekend and went on a 36 hour carbo binge. It was good. :) Then I got serious on Monday and started eating low carb again. My highest day was Wednesday with 43 carbs. All other days were even lower. On Friday finally I got the ketone strips to change color! Yea!

The church potluck today was trying...we had BBQ chicken (the sauce was loaded with sugar), potato salad, a creamy coffee cake, and a wonderful layered banana desert. I didn't have even one bite of any of them. :-D

Been SO hungry this past week and easily getting 2,000 to nearly 2,800 calories a day (!). Hope that doesn't hinder my weight loss. This isn't like when I first went on Atkins when I wasn't hungry at all. Now I am ravenous and actually like the acceptable foods.

Still trying to get past the plateau. Been adding weights to my Curves routine, and trying to go an extra day per week, when I can (which isn't very often). Gained one pound this week back up to 187.5. When will I get below the magic 186 number?!?
Well, for July 4th we had LOTS of YUMMY carb stuff at church today. I didn't eat even one bite. No BBQ chicken (carbs in the sauce), no potato salad, no coffee cake desert, no banana cream stuff that I wanted to eat half of the whole thing.

I did okay. :)

Friday, July 02, 2004


Woohoo! I finally got the ketone strips to turn color this morning! Yes yes YES! I've been waiting all week! I'm officially burning fat.

Now off to weigh myself. I will be happy with anything under 186.