Wednesday, December 31, 2003

This Year

This year was characterized by, as mentioned above, an end to my honeymoon with EW. Now the grit work begins. I moved twice this year, first from Quigley to Harrison, where I stayed only 6 months (what a terrible situation!), then from Harrison to E. 23rd St. This is my first apartment all to myself, and it's quite a nice place. The cats are fine and, as always, cute.

The Challenger was replayed this year when the shuttle (forget the name right now) exploded when reentering the atmosphere. The war in Iraq, the subsequent protests, Bob Hope and John Ritter dying...so much happened.

God bless this country, and protect us.

Resolved...

1) I resolve not to argue with a certain unnamed person anymore.

2) I resolve to pray and read my Bible more by

3) Doing the daily reading in the devotional booklet from RBC and taking my prayer journal on the bus with me. (I spend 3+ hours getting to and from work everyday.)

Thursday, December 25, 2003

Excuse Me While I Scream, take 2

The water was back on this morning when I got up.

Found out more info. today. There was still lots of activity in and around the apartment. The owner arrived as I was getting ready to leave so I asked him what happened and he said the apartment had flooded and said something about a burst pipe.

I feel bad for whoever lived in that apartment. And on Christmas, too.

Excuse Me While I Scream

So a firetruck pulls up outside sometime after 1 a.m. I think it's odd, but don't worry much about it - until the water is turned off. I grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator so I can brush my teeth and wash my hands, and hear strange sounds as I pass near the front door, so I go outside. The fire dapartment is in one of the apartments downstairs (2nd floor, which is the 1st floor with apartments in this building). An ironing board and table are sitting outside. The men appear to be mopping up water out of one of the apartments and I overhear a conversation between a fireman and the building manager that the water will have to stay off and a plumber will have to be called (on Christmas Day!).

This is not what I needed. My period just started (no wonder I've been crabby lately). Gar! Life sucks and I hate Christmas. :(

Ah, Life

Came home from work Christmas Eve in somewhat of a bad mood and turned on the kitchen light. It came on briefly, then blew out. So there I was, precariously balancing on a chair, trying to change the bulb. Blech.

Brad and I are planning to have a Christmas dinner at work later today. I bought some Martinellis and cherry pie and will bring wine glasses and utensils. He is bringing the lamb, potatoes, and salad. Hopefully Christmas won't be a complete loss.

Opened some presents tonight. The person who "Vickitimized" me sent me body wash, body splash, and body lotion, all "Warm Vanilla Sugar" flavor. Mom and Bill sent me a kitten calendar, and Ellie sent the cats some "Kitty Kaviar" fish flakes that Xena thought were okay and Abby totally ignored. I'll open the rest of the prezzies tomorrow.

Merry Christmas everyone. Hope yours is a good one.

Merry Christmas!

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

Which Christmas Carol Are You?

Silent Night
You are 'Silent Night'! You really enjoy Christmas, and you like your Christmases conventional. For you, Christmas is about family and traditions, and you rather enjoy the rituals of going to church at midnight and turning off the lights before flaming the plum pudding. Although you find Christmas shopping frustrating, you like the excitement of wrapping and hiding presents, and opening a single door on the Advent Calendar each day. You like the traditional carols, and probably teach the children to sing along to them. More than anyone else, you will probably actually have a merry Christmas.

What Christmas Carol are you?
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Sunday, December 21, 2003

Rants

Rant #1

The bus schedule changed today. It's AC Transit's Christmas present to its patrons and employees. Lines have been cut, and service cut back. The 58 line no longer runs, and the 50 and 62 only go until midnight.

Which means that when Tony is even a few minutes late (more on that further down) I can't get home. Period. On a good night that he's late I might be able to get as far as Fruitvale BART, but from there I am on my own.

I had to take a completely different route today to get to work (COMPLETELY different), and was looking forward to taking the same route all the way home so I could learn it each way.

No such luck.

Rant #2

Tony is late yet AGAIN. His mom called to say he had run out of gas and she was going out to rescue him. In my years of working here Tony rates right up with Maurice in lack of ability to get to work on time. I am only thankful I only have to deal with him one day a week. There is always something happening. Today I have had it. I am going to keep a log of when he is late, why, and how late he is. Then when I go to my supervisor I will have something to show him. It wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for the busses, but it IS a problem and I have talked to Tony many times on the absolute necessity for me that he be here on time. The guy just doesn't GET it.

I can't the day shift. There is only one position, and someone with more seniority already has it. I could go to the overnight shift, something I refuse to do. I shouldn't have to change MY schedule because one of my co-workers is too irresponsible to get his butt here on time.

It took me 2 HOURS to get to work today and *I* was on time. Early even. (The 2 hours to get to work is courtesy of the new schedule.)

Thursday, December 18, 2003

More On Lord of the Rings

Saw the movie twice now. I think the third one is the best. As I stated, I saw the minight showing Tuesday night; at that time I bought a ticket for the 3:45 p.m. matinee on Wednesday. I caught a bunch of stuff the second time around that I missed the first time which was cool.

There were 3 people I saw dressed up, all women - one lady in a Lothlorian cloak with the leaf-shaped clasp, one little girl in female Elven garb, and one lady dressed as someone from the Shire might.

There were 2 or 3 people I talked to who were at the midnight showing and also came back the next day, so I don't have to feel so weird.

Got myself a big bucket of popcorn for "lunch" and a small cup for water to avoid having to miss anything by having to use the bathroom. In the theater those drinks will go right through you.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

Spoiler Alert! (Lord of the Rings)

The midnight showing went GREAT! I haven't seen people so excited about a movie since Star Wars came back to the big screen 20 years after it was first released.

The ending was a bit studdered and not at all done well. The constant fake endings that would then fade back in - well, people in the theater were laughing because no one knew when the end was. Pretty closely following the movie except at the detruction of the Ring. The book is very clear that Frodo failed, Gollum grabbed the Ring, and accidentally falls over the edge of the chasm. In the movie, Frodo fights with Gollum after he gets the Ring, and in the fight, they both go over the edge, except Frodo manages to hang onto the cliff and Sam rescues him.

This has to be THE stupidest change of all! And all to redeem Frodo a bit, or make the Ring's destruction more interesting to viewers. (Later note: One person mentioned, and they may have a point, that Frodo's fighting with Gollum was to get the Ring back, not to destroy it, but to keep it for himself. The Ring did have a very powerful hold on them both by that point.)

I think that Frodo's failure in his quest, and the Ring being destroyed anyway, is very important.

As in the past, a reading of the books will give one an idea of what is going on on the screen. Much of the names in the dialogue, and a few props, will make no sense unless one has read the books: ex: King Elessar, and the swords that glowed blue when orcs were around.

Another big change was Gollum turning Frodo against Sam and leaving Sam behind. There was no need to add it and it only detracted from the purity of the book.

The Scouring of the Shire was completely cut, as was any mention of Saruman's death, or Gandalf taking his power away.

I was in tears at the very end when Frodo and Bilbo and Gandalf sailed away to the Grey Havens. It's hard to cry quietly in a movie, lol.

I think what gives LotR its beauty is precisely because it doesn't have a "and they lived happily ever after" ending. I was still crying when the movie ended.

I have to leave soon to go see it again. Last night I bought a ticket to the last matinee today.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Computer Dr.

The computer I do this blog on is going into the shop tomorrow. I'm having it upgraded to OS X, memory added (to accomidate OS X), and getting a memorycard reader so I can upload digital pictures again. Supposedly OS X has iPhoto, which I can use to edit the pictures. Right now I have a perfectly good digital camera, but the software has gone haywire and no matter how hard I search, I can't find the original disk to reinstall. So I won't be updating this blog for a while, not will I be online as much.

Eleanor wants to get together with me on Friday (there goes most of the day) to exchange presents and have lunch. So that will keep me from being bored without my computer around at least.

She Did It Again!

When I left for work Wednesday I truly thought Xena was under the bed. Not a big deal, so okay. I come home and Abby meets me, but no Xena. I get a bit worried. I get down on my hands and knees with a flashlight and look under the bed. Nothing. I then check the walk-in closet, and as soon as I open the door I trip over a cat coming out. The poor thing had been locked in there all day, at least 10-11 hours! She was (as usual) no worse for the wear, but she was glad to get out.

My Sucky Life

Wednesday was a bad bad day...here's the low down. Written Wednesday evening:

Ok. So I've been bugging the manager about getting recycling in the building since I moved in three months ago. In lou of the lack of recycling and given my past as a radical environmentalist (spent 3 days in jail once....nuf said), I've been leaving my recycling at the curb in large garbage bags for whoever might happen along. We have lots of poor elderly asians that collect cans and bottles to make ends meet, and the money isn't important to me.

Well, today the building manager confronted me on the topic, said the neighborhood kids would break the bottles and such and he's been trying to figure out who's been leaving the bags out. So now I know he's tossing them out. Now if the kids are breaking them, how about either you or the owner just being straight with me and telling me you will NEVER implement recycling because of this? Why dither around and play games with me? I can't get a straight answer out of anyone.

So he gives me two options, neither of which are acceptable.
1) Take your recycling to a recycling center. (I don't own a car. Just what do you expect me to do - FLY?!)
2) Give up the idea of ever recycling another can in your life as long as you live in the building. (And go against everything I ever learned about taking care of the earth? Riiiiiight.)

And so that leaves me having to come up with plan C, and this is it right now: Find out when recycling is on the next block, and drag out my stuff and place it with someone else's recycling. I don't think that will cost the person I use any extra money.

Who says Christians don't care about the earth? I'd say it's the rich building owners and somewhat less rich managers that don't care. "Toss it all in the landfill! It doesn't effect me."

I have to say that today the human race has once against truly disappointed me and I have come to the conclusion that I will NEVER have a better, stable life. I will be moving once a year for many years to come, maybe even the rest of my life, and I might as well just accept that fact. Every time I try to make a better life for myself, I just get knocked down, and I might as well just admit it will ALWAYS be that way. I am so envious of people who have never been forced to move because I have moved every few years since the time I was two. It is the only life I know, and I hate it.


I know now that the building manager doesn't like me. He seemed to believe that I knew better than to put things out. How I'm supposed to know God and he only know, but that seems to be his belief. And he took everything personally, like my offer of help was a personal affont. There truly is nothing to say about this except, Some people's children! :-p

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Productivity

I was very productive on Monday. I got two Christmas packages sent out, started and finished 21 Christmas cards and put them in the box downstairs to go out tomorrow, wrapped a present for Kari (included in Cynthia's package that was sent), made myself spaghetti for dinner (I never cook), and cleaned the cats' litterbox. I also received the t-shirt for Ann in the Vickitim gift exchange, so I packaged it and it can go out later today. I feel so cheap (even thought I spent more than I can afford); it all fits inside a medium-size shoe box.

Tuesday is the Christmas party for my department at Neil's house. It happens during my shift, so I will get paid.

It seems like I am seeing Voyager people everywhere on TV. Monday night/Tuesday morning I saw Captain Janeway on an old 1984 episode of Cheers. Then I saw the Doctor on a 1993 episode of NYPD Blue.

Monday, December 01, 2003

More Quizzes

Morpheus
Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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ang
You are Form 2, Angel: The Pure.

"And The Angel rose as holy protector forall that was created. She fought with honor
and valor to serve the good of the world. But the coming of the mankind was her downfall; and
end to purity."


Some examples of the Angel Form are Michael (Christian) and Hercules (Greek).
The Angel is associated with the concept of virtue,the number 2, and the element of wind.
Her sign is the zenith sun.

As a member of Form 2, you are a person of your word. You generally keep your promises and give everything you do your best. Although some people see you as overbearing sometimes, you know that you have to stay true to yourself and do what's right. Angels are the best friends to have because they are brutally honest.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
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Friday, November 28, 2003

Give Thanks

Thanksgiving on Thursday was good. Brad brought cornish game hens, yams, and cherry pie (I hate pumpkin). I brought Martinelli's, cranberry sauce, and two wine glasses. I had two turkey TV dinners in the freezer at work, so I used them to provide us with stuffing and mashed potatoes. It was a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner. We even topped it off with coffee (provided by me). All we were missing was the rolls. Brad accidentally left them at home.

Here's a Thanksgiving prayer I wrote Wednesday:

Help me to walk closer to You, God. I backslide so often, walk away, go my own way. I don't want to be like that. You have been so good to me. I don't know why I am so mean in return. But even through my most recent struggles, You have held me tight, and Your Holy Spirit has never stopped working on me.

Thank You, Lord, for my apartment.
Thank You for my cats.
Thank You for the gifts of Your Son for our salvation and Your Spirit for our guidance.
Thank You that we have the ability to give You thanks.
And thank You for this day that we set aside to remember Your gifts.

Thank You for your continued protection of this country.
Thank You that You have remained true to the promise You made me a few years ago. You've never once failed in what you said You would do. I've doubted You many times, but You have always come through. Thank You for being so faithful.

And finally, thank You for all the new ministry opportunities of late. I pray, God, that we would let Your light shine through us that all people would glorify You. May the words we speak here be Yours.

Thank You, Father, for all Your gifts.


I got my Christmas presents wrapped on Tuesday night, and dug out the Christmas tree Wednesday night. The box is worn out, so I tossed it out and threw the pieces of the tree into the wardrobe box that I got when I moved. Now I "just" have to set it up. Oh joy.

Book review (sort of): Lord of the Rings

I finished Lord of the Rings on Tuesday...yea! All 1006 pages of it. Now I can't wait for movie #3 to come out. I'm hoping to get opening day off work. Here's what I wrote on Wednesday:

Well, I finally finished the book yesterday. I have a three-in-one copy that runs 1000 pages, NOT counting the appendices.

It starts slow - getting past the first 100 pages was difficult. But then it picks up again. After the Ring was disposed of around page 900, I again lost interest and had to force myself to read, but the last two chapters picked up again and I was in tears by the end (it's a somewhat sad ending) - there was even a surprize about Saruman that I didn't see coming!

There are some Christian themes in it - Gandalf is a Christ-figure, dying and coming back to life, hanging around a while to help his friends, and then departing for the Grey Havens which comes across sounding an awful lot like paradise in the book.

Good book, but it did take me over a year and a half to get through it. Now I don't know what to read next because I've been reading that book so long.

Another thing....FOR ALL YOU PEOPLE WHO LOVE THE MOVIES...read the books! The movies are good, but I've found they left out so much that I was lost by halfway through movie #1. Reading the books cleared up what happened.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Ok, I'd like to get off now...

God, what a long weekend (or short, as the case may be!). I need a weekend to recover from my weekend. Thursday night (Friday morning) I was up until 3 a.m. doing laundry. Friday was all houework stuff as usual. Saturday was the "apartment warming" party at my new place.

I don't deal well with so many people in my living room. I want nothing more than a day to stay home and sleep and putter around, and to get Xena to do the neat trick she did this morning, lying down next to me and letting me pet her while she slept. She NEVER lets me do that. She hates being touched or held.

I want to start feeling better because I feel lousy today. I really need a day off...BAD!

I made it through this past week, but I think the strain of the past week is wearing on me.

Oh yeah, Xena no longer will eat her favorite crunchy treats, and she has always swallowed her dry food whole, so I am worried about her teeth. I need to take her to the vet and just have them take a quick look at them. I couldn't see anything wrong this morning, but I didn't want to annoy her by taking any more than the briefest look.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

What Monty Python Holy Grail Quest Character are You?

Launcelot
You are Sir Launcelot.
Heroicly you are stereotyped into rescuing damsels in distress...only you get confused and rescue the wrong sex sometimes. You look for fights in all the wrong places, and pretend your friends and loved ones are hurt to dramaticly avenge their murder. You might be too brave for your britches.

What Monty Python Holy Grail Quest Character are You?
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Monday, November 17, 2003

Letter to God

I hate You, ok? Is that too harsh? I hate You and don't understand why You are allowing all this stuff to happen. I thought I was Your child, I thought You loved me. Why would You hurt me so, and be so silent? Why do You seem to take such delight in it all? Why do You hate me? Why have You forsaken me?

Is it so wrong to wander away from You when Your people hurt me and when circumstances rain down around me? And why do You even care? I know that I don't matter. I'm selfish, evil, and think of only myself. At least everyone says that and I know they are right. So what does it matter? Just destroy me, let me rest. I do not recall asking to be created or born, or to survive childhood. I have no desire to cling to One who forbids fun while He allows my life to crash down around me.

You are hurtful and mean and that's why I hate You.

When It Rains, It Pours

I hardly know where to start, so lets try the beginning.

As I left my apartment today I ran into the owner who stopped me and said that someone would be moving into #26 next door to me. Ok, cool. I've been asked by several people how much this much smaller apartment (about half the size of mine as far as the space of the main room) goes for. He said $725 - $30 *more* than what I am paying for my much larger place. This most likely means that when the term of my lease is up, he will raise the rent, forcing me to move again.

I leave home and get on the bus to work. I run into a older guy friend of mine and we sit together for the ride. He tells me that the 58 line (my [and his] way to work) will be discontinued December 21. Merry Christmas. So I am now trying to get info. from phone operators at AC Trasnit about how the hell I'm going to get to and from work. I already found out that the 62 won't run past midnight, meaning that I will have a harder time getting home when my relief is late.

Basically, I'm going to have to move and am having difficulty finding another way to get to work so I can have a job! My boss just told me to spend $3-400 on a folding bike and ride that as much as I need to.

I'm in deep doo-doo.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

Bleh Again

The party didn't come together this afternoon. Doug, Julia, and Anita are all sick and so everybody wanted to go to their homes, so no party this afternoon. We'll do it next week. Now what am I supposed to do about Dad? My excuse for not seeing him today was the party. That excuse has now evaporated.

Friday, November 14, 2003

Bleh

Dad is coming by this weekend, so I get to see him all day today. Consequently, I've spent the last couple days cleaning - doing dishes, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, cleaning the counters and stovetop - because there will be no time today for that.

If that weren't bad enough, my housewarming party is Sabbath after church, and Eleanor said that Dad is upset that I can't see him that day, even though the party was planned before Dad's visit. Besides, I actually never said he couldn't see me Saturday, but I knew he would probably not want to be around my church friends. He can come if he wants. :-p

Bleh. It's been a crazy week and now it will be a crazy weekend. :(

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Thursday, November 06, 2003

More and more Christmas presents keep arriving. So far every day this week (Monday-Wednesday) I've received packages. Yesterday was most of the stuff I ordered from Drs. Foster and Smith.

Had a talk with God Sunday night on the way home. He knows how to get to me. I had a couple e-mails from Kathi that made an impact on me, and an e-mail from Pastor Steve asking urgent prayer for Julia. I promised I would pray for her. So I told God that I didn't understand WHY my sin was sin or why He wanted me to give it up, but that I would. I'm not happy. It isn't repentance; it's just a stopping of the sin. It's grudging obedience.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

The Christmas presents I ordered last Thursday are starting to arrive. The first arrival was a used book through Amazon; Tuesday the Sees candy arrived, including my one pound box. :) So I got to pig out on some of that. :)

Also bought a new Betta fish today. Legolas died a week or so ago and today's new addition was Aragorn. He's a bluish Betta, much like Frodo. The fish store said they feed the Betta pellets, which explains why Legolas refused to eat the flakes. I bought some pellets to feed Aragorn. We will see if he does any better. Xena has already taken an interest in our new guest. :)

Monday, November 03, 2003

How Old Is Your Inner Child?

My inner child is ten years old today

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost in a good book, or giggling with my best friend, I live in a world apart, one full of adventure and wonder and other stuff adults don't understand.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
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Sunday, November 02, 2003

Growing

Well, I got through Halloween and am very glad it's over. Now I just have to weather the holidays. I was lucky to have Halloween off this year, and it was refreshing to discover that I've come far enough to resist all the urges to go back, that I can make it through! :)

All things being the same, I'll be working the next several Halloweens to come. Next year it falls on Sunday, and it will move through the week that way.

I'm making progress. This year for the first time I was able to have a Halloween-themed sig pic, and was able to eat a pomegranate. Pomegranates always had Pagan meanings for me. They are a prominent aspect of the Greek myth of Demeter and Persephone, which was one of my favorite myths, and my class project for my "Women and Religion" class in college. So I haven't eaten one in 7 years - until this Halloween.

I see Halloween as a Romans 14 issue. I freely admit to still being weak in this area. But slowly God is healing me. This was the easiest Halloween for me yet, and the first time I've been home so I could pass out candy. It sucks working nights and all holidays, but someone has to work so all the rest of you can enjoy it.

I survived. It's over. Thank God. Now normal life can resume again and EW can get on with its ministry to the hated and misunderstood ones.

Friday, October 31, 2003

Samhain

Been running around today. Went to Sears and spent $90 on a new microwave and $20 on a new answering machine. The microwave is mid-size, and more than big enough for my needs. I could have gotten a smaller one chepaer, but this is something I will be using nearly every day for a long time to come, so I sprung for the bigger one. The answering machine is digital, the only one they had. I spent $244 yesterday, and about $110 today. :-p

Here we are back at Halloween again. I feel I am growing. This is the first year that I've been able to have a Halloween themed sig picture -

- and the first year I've been able to eat a pomegranate, my first pomegranate in about seven years.

Thursday, October 30, 2003

Why I Hate Christmas

It's so darn commertialized. This is the last paycheck this year that I don't have to take rent out of, so I just finished buying $244 worth of Christmas presents. The good news is that that covers almost everybody. One expensive person still left, though I did get her a couple books today.

So this should cover:

part of Ann
Cynthia
Dad
Bill
Mom
April and her dogs
Eleanor and her dog
my cats

The last thing I bought was chocolate for my Mom, by which time I was feeling so lowsy I tossed in a 1 pd. box of chocolates for myself. Which only made me feel worse because the price went up, but darn it, I hate Christmas shopping so I deserve it!

I now have only $272 to last me the next two weeks, including groceries.

I hate Christmas!

The Day After Halloween...

I have no idea who did the picture...it's been floating around the Net for a few years now. (Please give the picture a minute to load.)

The Day After Halloween

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

I really thought I would breeze through this week...

I really did. After all, Halloween marks the half year point since my conversion; this year it is 7 1/2 years since accepting Christ. I still get desires to go back, but Beltane is usually worse than Halloween for that. Besides, I've learned to fight the temptations, and they lessen over time anyway.

So why do I feel my world crashing down around me? Why, when so many other people are hurting and in need of help, do I find myself wishing I could be ministered to?

My counselor asked me if my depression's returned. I don't know if it has or not. I'll evaluate that when my world stops spinning and I can access where my emotions stem from. I am very sad, but it could just be situational and will pass. Yes, I am still taking my meds. I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.

Why I Hate Halloween!

1) Idiots. I see 'em ever year posting the same drivel as truth. Talking to them is like talking to a brick wall.

2) I was informed yesterday that my services are no longer wanted in the Refreshment ministry at City Church. It was a cordial letter, but I can read between the lines. I did not need this additional hit right now. Amy "forgot to inform me" of the change in plans, I assume she "forgot" because I have been dropped from the mailing list and didn't get the mailing about it. I tell you, they just make me feel so loved.

3) My period's started and I feel AWFUL! I want to crawl back in bed and go to sleep. I'm nauseous.

4) No matter whether I get a good night's sleep or not, I wake up tired. Last night cramps kept me awake and I didn't sleep well at all. I've been feeling like a zombie all week.

5) I'm struggling with a particular sin that God wants me to give up and I don't (non-occult related).

All in all I HATE HALLOWEEN, I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!

Sunday, October 26, 2003

God and I

I went to church today. I didn't mean to, but I felt I had to because I thought I was scheduled to do refreshments. (I just sent an e-mail to the coordinator asking what happened - two others were doing the work when I got there).

I went to City Church today ONLY because I had the refreshments to do. One lady said to me maybe God had another reason for my being there. Perhaps she's right. God has a way of putting me in church services I don't want to attend if only because He has a strange sense of humor.

The services at City Church have a way of convicting me more than my home church. I sailed through church at my home church yesterday, but today I was squarely confronted by God.

I didn't take communion. They have it most every week, but I did not feel that I was in the place I could take it, not when I am running from God like this. I buried my face in my hands as they passed it out. I felt ashamed that I could not take it and knew that my friend Carol sitting near me would wonder why I didn't take it, even if she didn't ask (she didn't).

This is where I am right now, and was my prayer at church today:

Lord, I love my sin more than You. I won't give it up. I don't want to give it up. But I WANT TO want to give it up.

I *do* love Him. I just love something else more. :(

Monday, October 20, 2003

Which famous Shakespeare play are you?

Ohhhhhh my!  You're 'Othello!'
Ohhhhh, my! You're 'Othello!'

Which famous Shakespeare play are you?
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Back to the More Mundane

Been working on my Web pages. Xena's site is updated to make finding certain pages and photo groups easier. Still some organization to do, but some things should now be easier to find.

Also been working on the Revelation 1:10 page on my Sabbath pages. Still has a ways to go, but I finally got my butt in gear and pounded out some more thoughts.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

It's Not What You Think

I wish this were about Witchcraft...I honestly do. Because then you all would be able to understand. Unfortuntely, Satan knows that he can't get to me that way anymore, so he found something completely unrelated to tempt me with. I've never dealt with it before or even thought about it before, so I never saw it coming. It hit me like a freight train coming out of nowhere.

As it is, only one person (Veronica) knows the whole story. F knows part of the story, but I never told her exactly what I'm involved in.

I thought I had this put behind me 2 1/2 weeks ago; I really did. But now it's back stronger and more alluring than ever. I don't want to stop.

I'm so sorry.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

All Screwed Up

[cries]

It's ALL screwed up, ok? I just can't do it. I can't. I love God, but I love my sin more. God is better off without me because I bolt at the first sign of trouble. I've dragged His name through the mud today. I feel lower than low. I just wanted to have fun, not hurt His name. I know He's angry. It doesn't matter.

He shouldn't trouble Himself with me any more. I'm a terrible failure, not willing to repent, so what's the use? It's pointless. I'll never be who He wants me to be and I'll just hurt Him all the time. I'm not worth it. I will never be worth it.

[cries]

Monday, October 13, 2003

*Sigh*

I don't think I will ever understand why I do the things I do. Why do I keep going back to sites I know I shouldn't? I love God - I do - so why do I trade it for momentary fun? Yeah, Friday and Saturday night I was right back doing things that I repented of not two weeks ago, and told God I wouldn't do again. *sigh* Why do I do it? And why does God keep after me since I am so obviously a lost cause?

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Another billing mistake

Don't mind me, but this is out of hand.

A week or two ago I saw a new doctor to get my prescription. I explained to the receptionist that I didn't have insurance and didn't have a lot of money and she said she'd see what she could do about charging me less.

When I came out and asked her how much I owed she said $75 and I wrote her a check for that amount. Today I got a bill in the mail for $35 for the "remaining" part of my bill.

I called the number on the bill and explained that I had asked how much I owed and was told $75, so why were they billing me for more? They asked me a few questions and said they'd not bill be for the extra $35.

*sigh* Twice in two days is just a bit much don't you think?

Pacific Gas & Electric, take 2

Well, I spent time running around outside at midnight trying to find and read the meters for them. The lady on the phone determined that there HAD been a misreading at some point in the past, and she sent a note to the billing office about the mistake. They'll send me out a new bill, and she encouraged me to write a check for the approximate amount.

So that crisis is resolved. Still have lots more to do tonight so I need to get offline. Gosh, what a crazy, busy day it's been.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Pacific Gas & Electric

Ok, as most of you know, this is my first apartment of my own, so I had to set up as account with PG&E, the local utility here who provides gas and electric service. No problem. Setting up the account was very easy since all the pilot lights and such were already lit.

Well, I get my first bill in the mail today and it's for $127! $3 for electric and $114 for gas (!), plus assorted miscellaneous charges. Naturally, I called PG&E about this. The guy said the bill was only for 10 days, and yes, $114 for gas for 10 days did seem wrong. He asked me to look at my meter but I wasn't home so I couldn't. Will do that tonight or tomorrow.

It's still warm here so it's not even like I had a heater on or anything. I've only had to turn on the heater a handful of times, and then only for short periods. This is the Bay Area; we don't have "cold" and "warm" seasons; we simply have "wet" and "dry."

This is NOT the way to make a good impression with me. I have NEVER dealt with this company before and they screw up my very first bill?!?

Monday, September 29, 2003

Cleaning Up, Cleaning Out

Did a bunch of cleanup last night and today. Deleted a bunch of my bookmarks to the sinful sites. Changed my desktop picture to one of my kitty, and trashed and deleted the three pictures I had saved on my hard drive. On my work computer I changed my screensaver. I had it written in Wingdings so no one else would know what it said, but it reminded me.

I've purposed to never again use the new AIM account I created.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

The Table

The table....the table...it all has to do with the TABLE. This isn't just "Please forgive me Lord and thank You." It starts there, and cleansing feels good, but the table! That's the exciting thing to me. I have only to truly confess, and He is asking me to the table!

Agh! I can't put it into words. *bangs fist on desk* It all has to do with the table!

[Edit, 2 hours later.]I think I've figured out a bit of how to put this into words. It's not just about forgiveness, but restoration. That's what the table symbolized to me today.

Forgiveness and Grace, take 2

There's a verse...can't remember the address of it, but it says this, "When we are faithless, he is faithful, for He cannot deny Himself."

For the longest time I thought this was a verse of hope. But it's not. God faithfullness in this verse is His faithfulness to wound us when we are straying to bring us back. When we are faithless (by indulging in sin), He is faithful (to do whatever it takes to bring us back), for He cannot deny Himself.

In my experience, He first tries to love me back when I am straying. Good things will happen. When that fails, He'll start turning up the heat and bad things start happening. The longer I resist, the hotter He turns it up. Only once has He had to bring me to the point of utter despair before I'd listen. Usually I give in before that.

Today, I'm thinking that "forgiveness" and "grace" are about the best two words in the whole English language.

Forgiveness and Grace

Well, I got hit with the "clue by four" yesterday and it was QUITE painful. God's tried various ways to love me back to Him, but when that failed to work, He pulled out the "clue by four" and whapped me with it. It got my attention, I'll tell you that!

Among the stupid sinful stuff I've been doing, I did something else just as stupid yesterday, and this one I will share with you all - I got drunk. Not just got drunk, but then proceded to seriously get sick and threw up into the toilet for a while. Then as I lay in bed feeling awful I realized I'd been thwapped.

I crawled off to City Church this morning still feeling a bit hungover, and it all stops here today. I'm putting this secret sin I've been indulging in behind me (not the drinking since some drinking isn't wrong IMHO, I just overdid it majorly - the other thing) and I want to start over with God again. I felt so ashamed in church today, and all I wanted from God was for Him to forgive me. And I needed to be reminded of grace.

And grace I got. Because not only does He forgive, but He invites me to the table. The wine and bread have never meant so much to me. Me, who was screwing up in so many ways yesterdays, partaking in so many sins...He invites me to the table! I can't tell you what a beautiful thing that was today, to be able to take the wine and bread and know that He accepts me and cleanses me.

I feel both overwhelming sadness and happiness right now.

I don't know why I do this sometimes, going off my own way and hurting the One who loves me most. He's given me so many good gifts lately, and I just snubbed my nose at Him and took the gifts and used them on my own selfish desires. How stupid could I have been?

So God, I ask for Your forgiveness and I thank You for it. I thank You for getting my attention even if it had to hurt. And I thank You for the wonderful grace and beauty I saw in the table today. Thank You for letting me come. Thank You for grace.

He is so good.

Please, all of you, forgive me for my foolishness. I've been blind.

Saturday, September 27, 2003

Prayer and Praise

A week or two ago my Dad sent me $200. Money has been very tight since the move, so I cashed the check and used it to buy food and such. But by last Wednesday, it was all gone, and I had a doctor's appointment that ate up another $75. I turned in my receipt that very afternoon, but I knew reimbusment would take a while. I asked Ray (down the hall at work) to pray for my money situation. Thursday afternoon, in the fastest turn-around time ever, Lupe had a check for $60 for me (80% of the doctor's cost)! It's not a lot, but it should be a BIG help in getting to the next payday.

The doctor's appointment also went well. I should be able to get my meds from him, and only see him about every six months unless my med needs change.

Thursday, September 18, 2003

Missed Last Bus Home

Because of where I live now, I often barely catch the second to last bus home. So one missing bus with the next bus being late (unavoidable if the first is missing), means I miss the last bus home. This is where I found myself last night. The first driver was a newbie who got lost and was running in tandum with the bus behind, so they just sent him back to the bus garage.

Well, it was 11:30 at this point and I could tell that there was no way I'd make it to my transfer point by 11:55 when the last bus home came through. My friend encouraged me to talk to the driver about it and I finally did, asking her if there was any way to hold my connection until I got there.

She was very understanding and immediately made some phone calls to see what could be done.

When we arrived at the Eastmont Transit Center she pulled over and talked to her supervisor. The supervisor said she'd drive me! She took me all the way home and even made sure I was in the building before driving off!

The AC Transit Board of Directors may suck rotten eggs, but some of the "little people" working for them are great. I never expected anyone to care about my getting home safe.

Tuesday, September 09, 2003

Tiff with God, take 2

I know I have to talk to Him soon about this, as soon as I work up the courage to approach Him. :-p I don't think it'll be the nicest conversation since I don't like Him much at the moment, but He can handle it.

He really does mean everything to me, but sometimes something outside the boundaries is just sooo cool. Not only that, but some parts I don't see as sinful at all, some as questionable, and some as completely wrong. And even if He does answer, I'm not sure I'm prepared to do what He says right away.

This is so stupid. I can see that this is probably Satan (well, one of his minions - I'm not THAT important) trying to pull me away from God, yet I'm allowing it.

I'm so confused.

Sunday, September 07, 2003

Tiff with God

I don't want to go into details but I've gotten into a little tiff with God so that neither of us is real happy with the other at the moment. Basically, I want to do something that I see no harm in, and I feel like He's saying no. In fact, I'm afraid to ask Him because I'm afraid He'll confirm the no answer.

He wins in the end - He always does - but I'm just being a bit obstinate and angry right now. I'm basically just staring Him down with my arms crossed and saying, "No!"

Don't know what to ask people to do. I know He'll win out. This sucks big time.

I've noticed this happens a lot. I'll make some sort of big step forward (like getting my own place), and then something will happen so God and I get into it. I don't wanna have to choose.

Monday, September 01, 2003

And On the Subject of the Fuzzbutts...

I got Abby trapped Saturday night and she broke my heart with her pleadings to be let out of the cage. She's SUCH a sweet cat, and did calm down after a while.

The move was hard on both of them. I let Xena out in the large walk-in closet while the men continued to move stuff in. She hid in her carrier the whole time.

I let Abby out as soon as the men were gone. She promptly sniffed her way to the kitchen and peed on the floor. At least she did it on the linoleum and not the carpet, so it was easy to wipe up. Then she hid under my bed in the furthest corner.

Meanwhile, Xena was STILL in the walk-in closet. She had climbed into the cage and was hiding in the litterbox. She came out as she was ready.

Abby seems distressed that the view from the window has changed. They are both exploring a bit when it is quiet and they feel safe, but they both slept under the bed last night. They will probably do a bit of exploring while I am at work today.

Abby seems grateful that I'm around and climbed around on the bed a bit and let me pet her. She also dozed a bit on my legs, until I had to move.

All in all, I have two very freaked out, traumatized cats on my hands, but they will adjust in time.

I have to smile every time I open a cabinet and think about how ALL the space is MINE, or go to the bathroom and have to think to leave the door open JUST BECAUSE I CAN, or wear whatever I want without having to worry about modesty. I ordered a little nightshirt to celebrate that I CAN FINALLY WEAR IT!

For the time being, I'm leaving out food and water in bowls. I'll fill up the water dispenser and put them on a feeding schedule once I decide where I will feed them. The place it's sitting in now - I can just imagine stumbling into the kitchen half awake and spilling everything. :-p

I am no longer leaving classical music on when I am gone. I pay the electric and gas, so nothing should be in use while I'm gone. The furfaces will just have to deal with it.

Oh, Frodo died. I think it was my fault. I filled his tank back up after the move, but didn't add the conditioner. I found him floating on his side at the bottom of the tank this morning. I'll get another one. They are fairly cheap. And this time, I will always remember to put water conditioner in. :-p

A Day In Hell...

...would be better than what happened during my move.

I'm not even sure when to start. My shoulders are locked up and ache, and my pecs are sore. Will have to see if heat helps at all. Also need to see the massage therapist and the chiropractor. It's been too long.

I was scheduled for a move at 11 a.m. At 11, no truck, so I call. They will be there between 11 and 12. Ok, no prob. 12 comes along, still no truck. I call back. A woman tells me they have broken down and are running 2 hours late. Great . So I wait 2 hours. Still no truck. I call again at 1 p.m. She says that the truck could have arrived anytime between 11 and 12, so I need to wait another hour until 2. So I wait. Still no truck. I call again and a man answers and tells me no, no one's broken down, they are just running late. He gives me the driver's cell phone number and tell me to call them. (What the heck?!?)

I call the driver and he says that his men hadn't eaten that day so that has to be done first. They will arrive around 4. He also needed my address. Evidently, even though I had scheduled this, the driver knew nothing about any of it until I called. Hence, no address and no contract.

At 3:30 they called and said they were on their way. They arrived about 3:45, five hours late.

Well, the driver - his accent and light skin tell me he's probably Israeli - took one look at Abby in her cage and said they can't take live animals in the back of the truck...I needed to remove Abby and break down the cage, which, as you all know, is completely impossible. I offered to waive any rights to damage if anything happened. He kept saying no but I was very insistent and eventually he called his boss and got clearance for me to waive those rights.

And oh yes, I was told there would only be two people, so I assumed there would be room for me in the cab of the truck. Nope. They brought 3 people so the cab was full. I would have to take the bus and pay them while they waited for me. I offered to ride in the back of the truck and waive any right to damages from that, too, but they said no. (I'm just going across town, people!) I finally had to call the building owner, who offered to come and pick me up and lead the way to the new place. (The movers didn't know that either.)

The main guy, the driver, was very argumentative. Every box was another reason to argue about why they couldn't take it. They insisted on having everything boxed up tight as if we were driving cross-country. I was criticized for not being ready and not taping the boxes correctly. I was criticized for some boxes not having lids and "We can't take it if it doesn't have a lid."

Money was another argument. I was quoted one price on the phone - $278 as the minimum. I figured we could move in the minimum amount of time. I took out $440 just to be plenty safe. Well, the price now skyrockets because we've got 3 men, tape for the boxes, boxes to box stuff that doesn't have lids and such. I tell him I only have $400. He argues for a while longer but figures $400 is better than the full amount by credit card, and takes the offer. I hold back $40 for myself to buy necessary stuff until the holiday is over and I get settled and learn where to shop and such.

They were fast, but fairly careless and the driver spent more time arguing with me than working. For example, parking is impossible in my neighborhood so he said he could either double park and have me pay the ticket if they got one, or park legally further down the street and pay for the extra time it would take to walk back and forth. He said the ticket would be cheaper so I told him to go ahead and double park.

The whole thing was a fiasco. I have never seen a more insolent and argumentative mover, especially when I'm giving him $400 in cash for just a few hours' work. The entire thing was one long argument from start to finish.

Saturday, August 30, 2003

Moving On, Moving In

This will be my last entry before my move. As you can see from the above entry, I did manage to get Abby trapped. Tomorrow is the big day. There is still so much to do! I need to get back to packing. I hope and pray we get Abby to the apartment safe tomorrow, and that the move is smoothe. God be with me! I will see you all at the new house!

The phone was supposed to be turned on today, but the Direct TV won't come until Thursday. :-p I'm going to demand a credit for those days. The movers are supposed to be here at 11 a.m. I hope they are on time. Before we leave I need to call Nick and tell him we are on our way. He said he would meet us there with the keys. I have $440 in cash to give to the movers. I think that should be enough. It better be!

Abby, Still Wild

God, this hurts. I'm on my second glass of wine because I feel so bad. I managed to get Abby in the cage for the trip tomorrow. I have a bed, litterbox, and food already in there. She is busy trying to get out and pulling (hard!) at the cage bars with her claws. She is also meowing mournfully. She is so scared and unhappy. I feel terrible. *I* know it's for the best, but she doesn't realize that.

Pray I get her there safely and that she doesn't find a way to get free.

Here's a page with old pics of her back when she was still known as "Momma."
http://xenakidden.home.sunlink.net/html/feral8mom.html

And here's the cage she's in. It's large because I can't handle her to put her in the carrier. She is still very much wild. The setup of the cage is different. The setup in this picture is for a small kitten. The cage no longer has the ramps, the two perches are together,and the hammock was removed.
http://xenakidden.home.sunlink.net/html/xenastart.html
I got her into the cage by feeding her all her meals there, and then just closing the door on her.

Friday, August 29, 2003

The New Apartment

I should probably describe the apartment, shouldn't I? Well, like I said, it's a large studio on the third floor with a view of the city. When you walk in the door, you enter a hallway. On the left side is the bathroom. On the right side is a vanity. If you turn right into the vanity and then turn left, you enter a large walk-in closet. I'm planning on using this closet for storage.

As you walk down the hallway, there is another small closet to the right. I plan to keep my clothes in this one.

At the end of the hallway is the living room/bedroom. On the far side of the main room, off to the right, is the kitchen. On the back wall of the main room is the window.

And that's about it.

It's all carpeted except for the bathroom and kitchen. Cats never used to be allowed in the building, but it just came under new ownership and the new owners allow cats.

He also said it would be okay for Abby to run around outside a bit, as long as I let the neighbors know she's not a stray and is mine. I felt I needed to be upfront about that because, while I can keep her in most of the time, she does get stir crazy eventually.

Xena I'm NOT going to let out. Tough toenails.


Anyway, I'll be offline for a bit during that time. My only Internet access will be from work.


I move this Sunday morning.

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

Monday I went to a Public Storage and splurged on some boxes. I'm short and I'm tired of using dumpster boxes. So I bought 10 good quality ones. Getting them to work and then home was difficult at best.

Tuesday I dragged the vaccuum cleaner onto the bus, got it fixed, then had to drag it to work and back. I got the belt replaced and a new bag put in. When I move out I will need to clean the room. There's a thick layer of fur on the carpet from the cats. Last Friday I bought some carpet cleaner that you shake onto the rug and it's supposed to help make the fur easier to vaccuum.

Today I was so exhausted that I slept a solid 9 hours last night. I feel best on 9 hours, but don't usually get it. Of course, I was up until around 2 a.m. last night packing.

Please pray that I get my deposit of $100 and my two weeks unused rent of $250 back. I don't think Lou will give me any of the money because he never has any money and he will consider the two weeks' rent simply forfeited.

Monday, August 25, 2003

INDirectTV

Excuse me while I scream.

I HATEHATEHATE Direct TV! These people are messed up and EVIL! I rue the day I signed up with them and decided against basic cable.

Now they are telling me that I can either pay $25 and sign up for yet ANOTHER year of their "service," or pay $99 and keep my current contract! [rolls eyes] I tell you, neverNEVER*NEVER!!!* sign up for (in)Direct TV "service." You'll be doing yourself a DISservice.

EVERY SINGLE TIME I have called, their computer system has been DOWN, and so we've been playing this charming game of phone tag for the past several days.

Oh, and they don't do installations on Sunday. What the hell is a major company doing only working 6 days a week? Can you understand why this is frustrating for a Sabbath keeper whose faith tells her that she can't ask them out Saturday and so she has to wait until MONDAY to get anything done?!?

Please, if you guys hear nothing else I say, DON'T EVER BUY DIRECT TV!!!

I am so frustrated at this stupid company that I could just cry!

Missed the Last Bus Home

It was a mess last night.

Tony said he'd be there at 11:30. I knew he'd be a little late, but I figured leaving at 11:25 would safe. I caught the 11:30 58 bus and took it most of the way home. At midnight, with Tony still not at work (I called and got no answer), I decided to head back. At about 12:15 or so I got ahold of him at work and so headed back home.

But by then I'd missed the last bus. I took the 58 as far as I could to the Seranader bar, then called for a cab from there. It was $5 for the cab ride home from there and I called Tony and told him that I expected him to pay for it. It's not my fault he overslept, and it's not my fault that traffic was heavy. *He* needs to think these things through.

When I told him he I expected him to put $5 in my box at work, he asked if I could wait until the next pay day. I asked him why he couldn't pay now - we were just paid last Thursday. The call ended with no clear resolution. I also told him that from now on when he was late and I missed the last 57 bus home, I would expect cab fare from him. I could be fired for leaving early and I don't want to do it anymore.

Grrrr...don't these people understand? Or do they drive so they don't care and can't comprehend that some of us are at the mercy of the public busses?

Sunday, August 24, 2003

How To Piss Off Victoria...

...be late to work so that I have to make a choice between leaving my post early (punishable by firing) or missing the last bus home. Thanks for the great choices.

Grrr...

My relief, Tony, overslept again and called to say he'd get here as soon as he can. And so I end up breaking the rules and leaving my post before he gets here to catch the last bus home. He drives. He doesn't understand. I already know I will have to leave early tonoight because he called me at 11 to say he'd be here in a half hour. (Yeah, right...make me laugh.) Anyway, I have to leave at 11:25 to catch that last bus home. :-p

I am hopping mad about it. He can't leave HIS post to drive me home, and I can't afford a cab, even if I took the 58 bus as far as I can to the Seranader bar and called from there for a cab. It's still a couple miles and still costs money.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Ok, let's see.

I was on the phone with Direct TV for the better part of an hour. I spent the first half hour just trying to talk to an actual person. The auto system kept asking for my zip code at my new residence - something I don't know. I *finally* just entered my work zip so I could get through to be put on hold. There I sat for another half hour before talking to a person who told me that someone would have to call me back - their computers were down and they could do nothing.

I also called PG&E to start electric and gas service. That was the easiest thing I've done all day. Too easy. I know something will go horribly wrong in the process just to frustrate me.

I have the move-in cost for the apartment, but I got the wrong amount. He wanted $1390 and I only took out $1300. He called and asked if it would be okay to take my $100 deposit check and cash it and then he would own me $10. I said yes. I will mail the $1300 tomorrow. It is in an envelope and everything. At his request, I faxed him the money orders so he would see that I do have the money and that he will have it soon.

I'm going off now to make a list of things to do, both those that have been done and still need to be done.

Why, when I am using so much energy every day, am I getting so little done? I still haven't started packing; I have rarely been home all week except to sleep. :( I miss my babies. They need their Mommy. And they don't even care if I'm an emotional basket case. They love me anyway. :-D

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

More Credit Crud

Grrr... It only gets worse. I got my verification code from TrueCredit today and followed the instructions to the letter. Steps 1-3 went fine, but when I hit submit on step 4, it STILL refused to give me my dang credit report! I'm obviously going to have to call them tomorrow.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!

Moving Day

Looks like I'll be moving August 29th. It's the Friday closest to the end of the month and my day off.

Milestones

Well, due to my previous news I'm not dancing around as I post this news today. I wish I could.

I found an apartment yesterday and am signing the agreement today. He sent me a fax of the agreement and it's fine with two caveats:

1) (And he will send a new page for this.) The dates for the first month's rent were wrong. He will correct those dates when he re-faxes that page.

2) The agreement said the cats have to be boarded somewhere while I am on vacation. Not only will this cause stress on them to be taken from their familiar environment, and I don't have that kind of money, but also no place will take Abby because she's not tame. He said it was okay to just have someone look in on them. That should help quite a bit. I did note that on the agreement in my handwriting. I also crossed out the original lines, as the owner said to do.

He also faxed me a mold addendum to sign.

When I looked at the place yesterday, there were two apartments, #2 and #27. Number 27 was slightly bigger with a nicer view and on the third floor (which I don't mind at all). There is a small elevator in the building. #2 is on the ground floor and slightly smaller. Both are very nice and spacious as studios go.

Originally I was told that #27 might already be taken. I expressed that I would prefer #27 but that I would take #2 if #27 were already taken. But the owner called me this morning to say that he would give me #27.

The cats probably would have preferred the one on the ground floor, but tough.

Anyway, I should be happy and dancing around. This is a landmark day in my life, the realization of a year-long dream. But I am worried about the whole situation with the doctors, so I'm not happy and dancing. Instead, I am peeved, exhausted, and numb.

Doctor's Orders

As most of you know, I have to take a prescription medication to be able to function like normal people. Well, I tried to call my doctor today to make another appointment. The receptionist said they don't take psych patients anymore and that they are referring them out to psychiatrists. Well, psych docs charge a lot more and insist on seeing you once a month, AND my company only pays for half the cost, not 80% like with a regular doc. Oh, and the yearly cap is lower. It wouldn't work. I can't afford both my medicine AND to see a psych every month.

Besides which, it's MY disease and MY body and I'm an adult - I can decide how often I need to see a doctor for reevaluation.

Anyway, our health person here at work, Lupe, thinks the real reason the doc won't see me is because I was late once paying my bill. The receptionist on the phone tried to tell me that they really aren't seeing psych patients anymore and that she told me all this at my last visit. NO SHE DIDN'T. She's LYING and thinks I won't notice?!? I liked the doctor, too.

So now I have to start over AGAIN (for the third time) with a new doctor. Lupe said not to mention anything when signing up for the initial appointment and to only mention it once I'm there. I have an initial intake appointment scheduled for Sept. 17 at the cost of over $150 that I don't have.

Needless to say, I'm highly stressed, pissed, and upset over this whole game.

God promised me a long time ago that He would make sure I could always get my medicine and not to worry about the money, but each time I have to start over I worry that He will fail me and that I will go without. Life off the medicine is a living hell, and to be honest, God means little in that state. I would kill myself sooner or later. That's not a threat; it's a sad statement of fact.

Anyway, your prayers on this would be appreciated. Remind God of His promise to me.

I don't know how I will get through this, especially seeing as how my rent is going from $500 to $700 next month.

Monday, August 18, 2003

Keep On Trucking

Ok, let's see. Two appointments today and two more tomorrow. (Managed to scheduled another one this afternoon. Originally I had only one appointment tomorrow.)

The first apartment is a second floor walk-up in a converted hotel. People would stay in the hotel for long stretches, hence the reason for the full kitchens.

It's SMALL, too small, and has no storage except a large closet which may or my not be large enough. The windows open onto a large ledge which connects to the stairs of the building next door, so Abby can get out and run around. The kitchen and bath are nice, and the price was lowered from $695 to $650. They said I was the first person to apply for that apartment. There was a $25 credit fee. I made out the application and paid the fee on the spot. They said that MAYBE if I signed a lease I'd get the first month free. I told them I was interested in that.

The second place was larger and nicer. There were also a TON of other people who had already submitted applications.

This place was first floor, private entrance, and it's own garage space that could be used for storage. It only had a shower however. It also had no washer/dryer and the closest one was too far to walk, necessitating a bus ride. Large enough for all my stuff and the cats, though.

Two more appointments tomorrow before work. We'll see. I'm not making any commitments until I've at least seen the two tomorrow. Not that anyone is begging to have me as a tenant.

A Moving Experience

Well, almost. I have 2-4 weeks to move. I am looking at two apartments today, one on Tuesday, and one on Friday. Surely somebody has to want me. I'm praying for God's help.

And now...I have to be up early so I better get going. *yawn*

Friday, August 15, 2003

*beats head against wall*

I'm TRYING (unsuccessfully) to get a d*mn credit report. No one can identify me.

Yeah, there were a couple student loans. They were PAID OFF by my parents YEARS ago. I don't know who they were with or how much they were for or anything.

And so I'm having to jump through hoops and have passwords and user names USPS mailed and e-mailed to all different addresses I've had, and then run around and try to collect it all together and log back into the sites and CONTINUE their little game. It's a mess, a royal MESS. And I'm $50 in the hole for playing their games.

So now I have 3 appointments to go to and no credit report to show them for at least a week, probably longer. And by then someone ELSE will have my apartment!

Grrr.....

I need prayer BAD and NOW! It's a dog eat dog world and I'm getting ripped to pieces.
The fun continued last night getting home. The 11 p.m. bus just simply never showed up. The 11:30 one was right on time however. :-p This led to much grumbling on the bus and LOTS of kevetching among the passengers. I must admit, it was more than usual.

When the driver spoke loudly to get our attention over the ruckus, I thought she was going to castigate us for complaining about things so much. But she didn't. Instead, she handed out a petition and some other info. to us about the upcoming cuts in service and raising of fares. We all passed the petitions around and signed them. I ended up with two partially filled sheets that I intend to get fully filled and then, as she said we should, give them to another driver to turn in. The drivers are against what is going on because there will be so many layoffs.

I arrived home a half hour late at 12:30 a.m.

The phone wasn't back on yet, so I couldn't get online. I got ready for bed and relaxed in front of the TV, going to bed around 3 a.m.

I woke up sometime around 10 or 10:30 this morning by Lou calling to me that the man from the phone company was here. I was dreaming at the time. :-p After looking around he said that when Lou's phone was disconnected, someone must have accidentally disconnected mine, too. He said that with the way the lines were, it was an easy mistake to make.

At any rate, I'm back online now.

In other news, SimpleText isn't cutting it for this blog. I think I will have to start using ClarisWorks. SimpleText documents just don't hold enough text before I have to move on to a new blog page. I'll have to run some tests, but it should work.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

One of Those Days

Well, today has been One Of Those Days (tm). Murphy's Law has been in full swing in my life. Everything that possibly could go wrong, has.

I got to stay late last night at work (overtime, yea!) and got driven home. Because of this, I accidentally left my punch card in the back pocket of my jeans. I got home about 12:30 a.m. About 2 a.m. my little reminder to give the cats their flea treatment started flashing. I dug the treatment out, but Abby could read my mind and wasn't letting me near her. Oh well, wait until morning.

I tried to set up the new aquarium I bought, but after setting everything up it just sat there. I carried it into my room to test it in a different plug just in case, but nothing. I'll have to call the company later, maybe send it back.

I managed to get Xena's flea collar off, but was too tired to put the new one on. That would also have to wait until morning.

A program about Lord of the Rings was on, so I stayed up until 3 to watch it. Learned some cool stuff about the books and movies.

As a lay in bed I suddenly remembered that I had forgotten to take my vitamins and medication. No big deal. I would just do it in the morning. Being 12 hours late with my medication has never been a problem. I was tired and only wanted to sleep at that point.

Slept in until 11:30 this morning. Before I got up, Abby settled down on my bed and put her back to me. I took the flea treatment and squeezed it on her neck. I managed to get most of it on before she could react and run off. She wouldn't let me near her for the rest of the morning.

I managed to get Xena's new flea collar on, though she put up a fight. I also put what little remained the the flea drops I couldn't get onto Abby, onto her.

I had to wrap my sister's birthday presents and get them out. I had no birthday wrapping, so I put them in Christmas wrap. I ran out of tape as I finished wrapping the last one, but I knew where more was and reloaded the dispenser.

I turned on my computer to do some quick surfing before work. My modem couldn't detect a dial tone. Since I only have my modem hooked up to that line (I don't even know what the number is), I went digging through my closet for a phone to plug in and test. I hooked the phone up - nothing.

I got into my e-mail and found an old e-bill they had set me and called the repair number on my cell phone. They asked for my number and I didn't have it. Neither is it listed in the bill. They said they couldn't help me, that they'd have to transfer me to customer service and THEY could give me my number. I was transferred and got the number, then transferred back to the repair center. I set up an appointment for tomorrow morning. I do have insurance so hopefully I won't have to pay. (Never trust a landlord; they are slow on fixes. I always pay for the insurance.) I talked to my live-in landlord before I left and he said he'd see what he could do. He said it was because he canceled his AOL. (Huh? And that matters because...?) I checked his phone and it was also not working.

No time for coffee this morning, and no time to call the aquarium company.

So I leave for work, late. I get an energy drink on the way because I hadn't had coffee.

I'm already at the bus stop when I realize I forgot my punch card and my medication. Too late to go back, though.

I get on the bus and am tipping my head back drinking the last of the energy drink when my sunglasses start slipping off. I jerk my head up to keep them from falling, smashing my lip into the can. (The glasses fell off anyway.) I cause several tiny cuts inside my lip.

I stop to copy the bulletin for church, then go to the grocery store to buy a bus pass. This is the last month I can use BART Plus; from now on I have to pay for everything separately. I start by buying the bus pass. The express line at the supermarket is slower than molasses in January, but eventually I get through. I arrive at work 10 minutes late.

Because I left my card to clock in in my other jeans, I have no card. I talk to my boss and he says to send him an e-mail about it so he can manually add my punch. I do so.

I go downstairs to our mail room to mail out my sister's presents. The guy assumes I want Priority Mail and doesn't ask. Parcel Post was over a dollar less and I would have gladly done that, but he's already printed out the sticker and everything and it is "too late." By now I am in a very bad mood and make a snarky comment on my way out.

I haven't eaten so I ask my co-worker Brad (yes, OUR Brad) to go to the burger joint next door and get me a burger and a diet Coke. I give him the money and he goes down. He comes back with a regular Coke and I nearly have a hissy. He goes back down to get the right drink.

So, that's my wonderful day. So if I'm more curt than usual it's because I haven't had my medication (I need it to be normal), and have had everything go wrong.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

What Herb Are You?

What herb are you?

Victoria's Vacation Updates

These were all posted at once, assembled from electronic "postcards" written over the course of the week.
Victoria's Vacation updates

These updates are arranged backward chronilogically and were written during my vacation in Newberg, Oregon at the Seventh Day Baptist General Conference. Pictures from Conference can be found here.

Monday, August 11, 2003


This will be my final update. I'm still tired from my trip, but I will attempt to make this something resembling coherant.

- Friday, August 8

The evening service was good. It had a mixture of traditional and contemporary music, though all was played on the piano and organ. It was interesting hearing contemporary music being belted out of an organ.

I was able to get into it a little bit and raise my hands in praise. (Indeed, Conference is one of the few places where I feel totally free to do so.)

We did communion which was cool. I just love taking communion with a few hundred other people.

The closing song was very special. It was "Wonderful Grace of Jesus," which included this:

Chains have been torn asunder,
Giving me liberty;
For the wonderful grace of Jesus reaches me.


He has indeed removed my chains and set me free. I don't deserve it; it's all grace.
- Saturday, August 9

We started off with Sabbath School. I went into Stephen James' class when I saw Jane Mackintosh and Dave Johnson there. We studied the Helping Hand lesson for the week on Joel and repentance.

After Friday night I was expecting Sabbath morning worship to be a let down like it was last year. But it wasn't. There were some good contemporary songs played like they should be - with guitar and drums, as well as the more traditional hymns done in the contemporary manner. I was able to praise God with raised hands.

Our closing hymn was "Great Is Thy Faithfulness." This is one of those songs that God has used to tell me to look back - it makes me thankful for how far I've come. I remember singing it in the choir at my old church when the Billy Graham Crusade came through town in 1997. I flashed back on that, how much time has passed since, and where I am now. Thank You, Father. You ARE so faithful.

After that was a very nice Sabbath "dinner" (what we left coasties call "lunch").

I spent the afternoon resting until it was supper (dinner) time. After dinner and before the last meeting I packed my stuff up.

I was late to the final meeting, but it wasn't a worship service so I didn't miss anything except the instalation of the new president. The new president, Pastor Dale Thorngate, gave a short speach and unveiled his theme for next year, "Seeking God With All Your Heart," based on Jeremiah 29:11-14a and Matthew 6:31-33.

Next year Conference will be held in Kalamazoo, Michigan.

Sunday, August 10

I was up, as usual, at 7 a.m. But my roommate had gotten up at 5 and I had a hard time going back to sleep. I ate breakfast and turned in my key then. Then I went back to the room and finished packing, then dragged my bags to the auditorium where we gathered waiting for the bus.

The bus trip to Portland airport was uneventful. I took my hairclips off (the ones that hold my covering in place) while going through the metal detector. It didn't beep this time so it must have been the clips that set it off on the way out, causing me to have to go through the wand search. They checked my shoes going both ways, too. I don't know if my shoes would have been checked on the way out, however, if I hadn't set the metal detector off.

Our bus had left on time, about 10:15 a.m., and I got to the airport, checked my bags, and through security by shortly after 11:30. I had THREE hours to kill before my plane took off.

I went to a bookstore in the airport and bough a book and a couple other items, then had some lunch (a hot dog and a beer - haven't had a drink in over a week), and finally ordered some lunch to go at another restaurant there. I also had another drink there, which turned out to be one too much.

The flight was uneventful. We were only a few minutes late.

When I got home I scooped up Xena and she licked me, but no purring this time. Abby had hidden under the bed, but came out as she realized it was me.

I'm still working on the pictures page. I just have to go back and make sure things are (mostly) in chronilogical order. Then it will be ready to share.

That's about the extent of things. I'll probably add more as I remember things I forgot. Sorry this is so long. There was just so much to tell.

There was lots of really good fellowship this week. Mealtimes were chances to talk with others. I love being around people and talking, but I must say, I got so little alone time this week. Even my room wasn't a haven because it had to be shared. I am looking forward to catch up on being alone now that I am home.

14:39

Friday, August 8, 2003

Well, this will be my last update. I have found that there is no lab open on Saturday, so I won't be able to write tomorrow.

- Thursday, August 7

The evening worship service was nothing but music (non-interactive), but I got some good pictures. I'm getting bolder about creeping right up to the stage during the service to get the pictures I want.

Some member of our little choir sang a song last night. At that moment I wished I was in the choir. I am, however, considering joining the Conference Choir next year, if they will have me.

- Friday, August 8

The other computer was messing up, so I hopped on this one. Those laptops are so tempermental. Techie companies should make them WORK and not concentrate so much on making them SMALLER. :-p

Anyway, Bible study today was good. It was calling "Sharing in Christ's Riches," and put paid to the "Name It and Claim It" movement. Instead of asking God for a Rolex (we don't NEED it), we should sell our Rolex if we have one in order to help the poor. God takes care of our needs, not always our wants.

I really wish Wolf...er, Doctor...was here. I think he'd get a lot out of studies like this. Hey, Conference will be in Kalamazoo, MI next year! Want to come? No? How about West Virginia the year after? Hey Kathi, how close is that to you?

As it's Friday, we have some free time this afternoon, so I showered for Sabbath and now I'm here. Last year we did communion Sabbath morning; this year we are doing it tonight, so I sense this will be the big, important service this week.

Oh, one other thing I forgot. At the Wednesday service, a man gave his testimony of all he's been through on his job to keep the Sabbath. Over and over he mentioned how he compromised his beliefs to keep his job, and yet I was struck by how God kept working with him, kept growing him in other areas...such grace and forgiveness time and again! He is truly so good.

I guess that's about it except that I really wish some of you were here, not just for the fellowship, but because some of you could really learn a lot from the daily Bible studies and worship services.

(((Hugs))) all. Sorry I won't be around tomorrow. I'll miss you all. I fly back Sunday afternoon assuming I make my plane. Please pray that there are no lines and I do.

14:02

Thursday, August 7, 2003

Skipped "morning worship" after breakfast because it's really just a musical performance of whatever group and not interactive. I went and laid down in my room and just rested until it was time for the Bible study. After the Bible study I again went back to my room while Committees presented reports. Then some other business which I did attend, lunch, and more business.

I think someone switched the leaded coffee this morning for unleaded - I had a hard time staying awake all morning, and felt no caffeine rush at breakfast. At lunch I drank a bunch of Mountain Dew and now I am ok.

Anita from church arrived, bringing the total number of people (including children) from my church to 15, 7 of whom are adults. This is Anita's first Conference. We finally got her to come!

Afternoon business was interesting. Reference and Counsel finally got their report passed, but not without much debate. Feelings are still raw from last year's problems relating to the Alfred, NY church and so many amendments were proposed and voted on before the report passed - R&C is trying to get into place a procedure for dealing with problems like this in the future and we were haggeling over the specifics of the language. It's good to be a delegate and be able to vote on stuff like this.

I even got up and briefly (VERY briefly) spoke a couple of times about my committee's report, which included stuff about upgrading the General Conference Web site and moving in the direction of online registration for Conference. The moves we made this year will pave the road for that at a later date. There's a lot of old people here who don't understand just how important the Internet is. The younger generation has more vision.

I did have to be moved to an earlier bus on Sunday. Somebody put me on bus #4 as if I could check in and get through security at the airport in a mere hour. The earlier bus is still pushing it, but will give me two hours to do all that.

*hugs and kisses* I'll try to get on tomorrow for another update. Hope you don't mind my little vignettes. I'm hoping to turn this into one huge blog entry when I get back.

15:37

Wednesday, August 6, 2003

Tuesday the 5th was okay. We had young adult interactive worship in the morning.

In the afternoon, the skies clouded over and we had thunder and lightening and a shower. (Typical Oregon weather - lots of rain!)

My interest group meeting lasted THREE long hours, with no break. :-p But we did get proposals together to bring to the Conference floor, including upgrading the main Web site (for non-SDBs), and, in the future, online Conference registration (for current SDBs). That last one is still a ways off, though.

Evening worship had little music and included a lengthy presentation about a lady's short term mission trip to a foreign country, something that's never interested me.

Wednesday the 6th was better. The sun came back out, and intead of interest groups, we had a choice of seminars in the afternoon. I attended the one on Islam and Muslims and it was quite enlightening. I minored in religious studies in school, but Paul (the presenter) had a bunch of material that I didn't know. The seminar lasted three hours, with a short break. But I found it interesting, which mitigated the boredom.

I came to this mini computer lab right after. The Women's Banquet is tonight. I went last year and was not impressed. It's one of those things where EVERYONE goes and shows off their best clothing. I hate that sort of thing.

Anyway, that's today's report. There's lots of other things - denomination business, kids from our church and the things they are doing here, and other stuff, but these are the highlights. I'm learning a lot about how the denomination functions on a national level. Last year it was just confusing. This year I'm beginning to assimilate it all.

I've been hanging out a lot with Pastor Ray Milalki, a pastor of a small church (4 members right now) that's starting up in Pennsylvania. He tends to be very conservative (religiously), so we have a lot in common. He's been to my home church once, and I also talked with him a bit at Conference last year.

Attendance is much lower than last year (400 compared to 800 last year). Most SDBs are consentrated on the east coast and don't seem to want to fly out to the west coast. I honestly think we had a better showing of west coast people at last year Conference in NY, than we have east coast people at this year's Conference. At least us left coasties are dedicated!

Still need to get more pictures. I'll upload them sometime after I get home and make up a little Web page. The pictures will be dark. The dang thing is terrible in low light conditions, which all indoor pictures are.

God bless you all and I'll "see" you all next week!

16:33

Tuesday, August 5, 2003

- Sunday, Aug. 3

Wake up around 9 a.m.
Leave house around 11:30 a.m.
Arrive Portland airport, find a boy holding a sign that simply reads "SDB."
Wait 60-90 minutes with others but a "tour bus" type bus for about a 1 hour ride to the Conference site.
Arrive site around 6 p.m., register, collect packet and nametag, leave luggage at Registration and procede directly to dinner before they close.
Go to my room with my luggage after dinner. I am in Pennington #121 with an elderly (80+ year old) roommate.

- Monday, Aug. 4

Lock myself out of my room at 3:30 a.m. Have to wake roommate to get back in.
Tract and communication Council meeting, 2 hours.
Track down computer lab to get online.

Nothing interesting for Tuesday yet except that morning worship was contemporary and therefore better than expected.

I had some other thoughts to share, but they appear to be in the bulletin, not my notebook, and I only have my notebook with me.

Oh, also, I once more forgot the address to my exwitch mail account, so I can't access it unless someone tells me what it is (again) or I suddenly remember it. :-p

It's wonderful being able to do so much fellowship and worship and Bible study. Last night after the worship service, which included a lot of readings from Revelation, I went back to my room and read Rev. 4 and 5, then prayed for some of you people here, and then went to sleep.

I love God and want to serve Him with my life, I know this is right! He's given me so many gifts, not the least of which is making me his adopted daughter, a princess, an heir. No matter what I don't have, I have Him, and no matter who others think I am, I am His. Let's not just live FOR Christ, but live IN Him!

Ok, off to lunch now. I'll try to come on tomorrow.

God is good, all the time!

11:08

Monday, August 4, 2003

Don't know how often I will be able to get here this week. I'm currently on a laptap in some building here and the equal sign key is where the backspace should be. Anyway, a quick update from here.

Arrived here at George Fox at about 6 pm Sunday night. Since dinner was over at 6:30 we dropped our bags, got our packates (sp), nametags, and room keys, and went straight to dinner. Then we went to our rooms.

My roommate (they found me one - yea!) is an 80+ year old lady named Margaret who walks soooo slow. We are late to stuff. She also takes forever to get ready in the morning; I can be out the door on my way to breakfast in 20 min.

Lots of meetings today; more tomorrow. The rest of the day should just be dinner, worship (every night - yea!), and then I need an early bed. I can't function on the sleep Margaret seems to get. Perhaps she is taking naps.

Anyway, other than being chronically tired so far I seem to be doing okay. Will try to take more pictures. I enjoy the fellowship over meals with various people. Good way to meet people. I've never been shy or had a problem with that.

Dr. Who - I did get your IMs you sent to my phone. Thank you. I have also sent you a couple.

God bless you all. I'm in Internet withdrawal here and came straight here to get my fix.

Victoria Shephard 16:02

Saturday, August 02, 2003

Leaving Tomorrow

So here am am just a day away from the start of Conference. I'll be leaving tomorrow, arriving sometime in the evening. This will be my second year going. I won't be updating my blog at all at Conference; I have no way to upload. So I'll be seeing you all on the other side. I'll try to make myself write about it when I get back. I'm trying to rest today because it's Sabbath, then finish packing tonight.

I'm going to miss the cats. I decided to leave them here locked in my room with plenty of food, water, and two litterboxes filled with non-scooping litter. They'll be okay.

Monday, July 21, 2003

Murphy's Law

I've been running around all day so far and have accomplished very little. In fact, the only completed thing is I now have a new cell phone number because when going to a pre-paid plan they have to close out your old account and start fresh. I am NOT amused. On top of all that, I was an hour late to work.

Anyway, I still have half a BILLION things to do. I still haven't eaten today and it's 4:30 in the afternoon. I'm hungry, but just no time. :(

Oh yeah, the Teen Challenge movers said they are booked through October so it is looking like I will have to go with Delancey Street movers at a minimum cost of $400. *cries*

Friday, July 18, 2003

I guess I should update the meds situation first. The meds arrived last Friday, and Brad was nice enough to drop them by my house. Not that I was that desperate; I just felt better with them in my hands.

Xena went to the vet on Wednesday. She was not amused. She was shedding like crazy she was so scared! They eventually took her into a back room and gave her two shots, one deworming pill, and clipped her claws (they charged me $12 for that!). All together it came to $100. This is one expensive cat!

I went to the pet store up the street from the vet after that, and bought some cat food, and a dog bed big enough for both of them. They have steadfastly refused to sleep on the bed. Wednesday night Abby laid curled up next to me, and Xena slept on her cardboard scratching post.

Thursday night Xena went out the back door. I started to get worried because not even the clicker trainer brought her back. She finally came back in - and promptly went out the front door, which was also open. I finally managed to get her in and up the stairs, but Abby's still out.

My nail lacquer for my fungal nail infection arrived this week, so I'm busy using it. The doctor said to put it on once a day, but the directions say every other day. I'm putting it on every day anyway. I want to get rid of this infection.

Here's what it looked like shortly after the doctor got done with it. He cut it way back, dug out all the crud, and then sanded down the high portion at the back that was growing straight up. It sounds awful, but it didn't hurt at all. I wish I had a "before" picture to post.

God seems to be working in Wolf's life. What he will do with it, I don't know, but God is definetly at work. God spoke to him and simply said, "I love you," and it seems to have really rocked his world. (Yay God!) Bobby (Clip the Apex) has recently made the jump and professed faith. Chris has asked God to get rid of the critters in her life, and He did. (Self-deliverance anyone?) And of course Veronica gave her life to Christ a couple weeks ago. Of course we've been praying for everybody.

Susan in in the hospital to have her gall bladder removed. The situation is quite a bit stickier than that, but that's what it boils down to. She has stones that are having trouble passing. Surgery will be either later today or Saturday.

No wonder people on the board, like K and Susan, are having problems. God is at work!

Thursday, July 10, 2003

Lost medication?, take 5

Ok, last update for the night, and then maybe I can finally eat. So far I've been too stressed to care. Talked to Canadameds on the phone. They said they have delivery confirmation that it arrived here at 11:10 this morning.

I talked to the front desk, but they had nothing. I searched the "mailroom" but nothing was there. The guy in our little mini post office here was already gone for the day, but his supervisor let me in and we searched the office. No package.

He said it would be impossible to know what time something was delivered to this building, so perhaps it was delivered at 11:10 to the main post office where we pick up our mail. (As a company, we have hundreds of pieces of mail each day.) They said to wait until tomorrow and see if that's what going on. I'm off tomorrow, but I will call. (Please pray that's where it is!)

[signs off to read messages and eat her long-cold burrito]

Lost medication?, take 4

I will check with Brad at work tomorrow on the off chance that it's just been delayed and arrives late.

Lost medication?, take 3

I keep trying to call Lupe, but she's still not in her office.

I tried calling my old doctor (a clinic who always has samples on hand), but they said I'd have to come in as a new patient ($200) because I've been away too long, and that they couldn't get me in for a month anyway. So that was pointless. (I was in tears at this point.)

I tried to call the company (Canadameds.com), but the number keeps connecting me to a local number. (I've had this problem before - the phone fails to recognize the "1" meaning a long distance number). I just faxed them asking them to call me.

I called my Dad, he is sending some money that should arrive later. With that on the way, I intend to reorder from Canada as soon as I can get ahold of them.

Unless I want to pay $300 for one month's worth of pills here in the U.S., it looks like I will have to wean off with the remaining pills I have (remember, I had hoarded a small number). It will mean that I'll be one messed up person for longer, but should help prevent some side-effects. I'll start tonight.

Now excuse me while I go cry.

Lost medication?, take 2

Let's see, I've already made three phone calls today. I called my doctor to see if I could maybe get samples. The receptionist said they didn't have any, they give them out to "patients who need them." Like I don't ?! She simply said they didn't have any and if I don't have the money to pay $300 for one month of pills from the U.S., then oh well, there was nothing she could do.

Then I called the USPS, who said they don't track Global Priority Mail and they can't help me. They suggested I wait 10 *business* days. (Mail doesn't move on weekends?) Customs said the same thing; they don't track packages and if it got delayed, they would have notified me right away. At least the man tried to be nice.

I'm currently waiting for Lupe (the health adviser here) to get back to her desk so I can ask about a new doctor. "I'm sorry; we can't help you," is not an acceptable answer to a patient in dire need who doesn't have $300 for US pills and another $200 for Canadian pill.

I was really hoping to get out of this financial hole with this paycheck. Looks like it won't happen. $500 out of it will leave precious little for little things like food and bills. (One bill just arrived today.)