They Turned Off Our Water!, take 2

Now that I've had some time to process this, I realized I typed a bit too hastily in my rush to leave for work. I need to clarify what I wrote earlier today. The EBMUD guy actually dropped by our house looking for payment. This is for the December bill, mind you. I explained the owner was gone (Eden was also gone, probably at work). So he said he was turning off the water, and gave me the notice of doing so. I placed the notice on the kitchen table, along with my rent check, since April rent is coming due soon.

What I'm most mad about is a couple weeks ago Lou asked me for $250. In exchange, I'd be given 45 days to move out when I leave, instead of 30. He said he needed to pay the water bill or they would turn the water off. Well Lou, what did you do with that check, eh?

Ah well, I swore my next move would be to my own place. I'm tired of the roommate treadmill.

For now, I need to snag the two bottles of water in the kitchen before Lou remembers where they are. They were mine, and I'm going to take them back now. I can brush my teeth at work. Don't know what I'll do Friday, but Saturday I can brush them at church. Laundry I'll do at the laundromat again. If worse comes to worse, I can probably wash my hair in a sink here at work. Don't yet know what do to about the shower situation.

Ah well, another adventure on the path of life. LOL. I wonder if I'm doing something right and getting certain, er....things...pissed off at me. (c:

Julia

After church today, the Indonesian church came along and were all over, so after lunch we decided to have the money study at pastor's house. We also had to do something else - pray for Julia. Pastor and Becky's daughter ran away earlier this week (I think Sunday) and hasn't been seen since, though they did receive one phone call. They think she is staying with her birth mother. After the money study we stayed to pray for her and Steve and Becky, and even a little for her birth mother, Mary. Becky had stayed home from church in case Julia tried to come back to get some of her stuff. However, she did not show up.

My diet is not coming along well. There are so many bad carbs in this house. Some I am taking to church, but some I am eating. I had chocolate Malt O' Meal tonight because there was only really 1 serving left. And I want to learn how to make pizza dough so I can use the Atkin's bake mix and make my own low carb crust instead of the sky high refined carbs in Boboli.

Weird goings-on with scales. On Friday I weighed myself at Curves and came out to 206.8 pounds. When I was at the Crouch's today, they have a scale in their bathroom, so I decided to step on it. I noticed it was off by a few pounds - only a few - and I don't know if that is intentional or not. Anyway, their scale weighed me in at only 195 pounds! Now I know I was wearing lighter weight tennis shoes, but I had on a heavy velour dress. So how can their scale be off from the scale at Curves by 10+ pounds?! My dress today would have made up for the different shoes. Could regular bathroom scales, even set at dead zero, be off by that much?

Wellbutrin

Short on time today, but I wanted to say happy birthday to my blog, which turned one year old a few days ago! :)

I'm still struggling with a sore throat. I did go to the doctor Tuesday, but by then I was starting to feel better. However, I haven't gotten better. I still have a sore and/or leathery throat every day. I don't know what's up, as I have NO other symptoms.

The doctor and I talked about new medication, and he prescribed me Wellbutrin. I will see him back in 2 months (one month to get the medication from Canada, and one month to try it out.

Due to water retention, I ended the month with only a 3.8 pound net loss. I lost some inches in various places, however, so hopefully there was some muscle gain. My body fat percentage dropped 0.6 percent. I am faithfully working my toosh off 3 times a week and trying to eat low carb, though on no specific diet.

Yep, I'm sick..., take 2

...and sick enough to see the doctor tomorrow. A three day sore throat just isn't normal. Have no idea what's wrong. Guess we will find out. They will have to gag me with a throat culture I'm sure. No going to Curves until I know what's wrong and go back to work. :-p Today I did just a little working out at home. Totally freaked out poor Xena. She had never seen me excercise before and she was pretty scared.

Yep, I'm sick...

Yep, I'm sick. I still have the sore throat today, and now the lymth glands on both sides on my neck are swollen and tender. Yesterday just the left side was. Bleh. I called Davina last night, got her to fill in for me, and I'm taking a sick day.

"S" is for "Stress" and "Sick"

Last Sunday (the day after the incident with Anita), Eleanor came over so I could try on a dress she bought me (it didn't fit). Abby initially hid when she called to say she was close because the sound of the phone, and me walking quickly toward her to get the phone, scared her. But when Eleanor came in the house, she came out from under the bed. She didn't let Eleanor near her, but to have her show herself at all is pretty good! I'm slowly making progress with her. :)

This was a busy week. I got in four workouts at Curves, and lost another three pounds. Check out my fitness journal to see how I'm doing.

We got rid of Windows NT at work and installed Windows 2000. The IT guy was on my computer for my entire shift Wednesday. They took away our IM (now their excuse it that it's a security risk), failed to install Java so we can't play Yahoo games, and failed to install the printer driver. It made trying to print out the bulletin real fun. Maybe next week we can get back some of the things.

I think I'm getting sick AGAIN. I have never been sick so often before, so I know it's all the excess stress starting with my casting out from EW, and continuing with trying to add excercise and diet into an already crammed schedule. I get a half hour less sleep on days I excercise, and on days I don't, it's because I have errands and have to get up even earlier. I've had a sore throat all day today. All I can do is dose on vitamin C and take echinacea and goldenseal.

Trust and Forgive

It's time to move on to the next step God calls me to. Yesterday night on the way home from work (yes, I worked a half shift Saturday night...I can use the overtime) I prayed and told God that I'll say the words. I don't know if I could mean them, but I'll say them and hope that the feelings follow.

So I told God that I was giving them over to Him, and I named them each (including those who believed what she told them and never gave me a chance to speak for myself), and said that He could take them and do what He wanted, whether it was justice or mercy.

I wish I could say it was a stunning success and that I've forgiven them and it's all over now, but life is rarely that simple. I can say this...the words felt like more than just words when I said them, and for the first time I was able to smile about the whole thing. I felt freedom, if only for a moment. Then it shifted back.

I'm still hurt and bitter, but God calls me to do this nearly impossible thing. I have been praying that He would help me to forgive. Since praying that has done no good, I will just have to keep giving them over to Him again and again. My anger and bitterness hurts no one but me.

God is with me and I'll be okay. Now I'm just in the long, slow process of learning to trust people again. Honestly, I was hurt so bad that I am having trouble trusting Christians that I meet online. I'm just waiting for the boom to be lowered. :(

Abby

Yesterday when Anita drove me home from church, Abby acted strange when I got home. Anita had to help me up to my apartment because I had too much stuff, so we both walked in together. Abby and Xena were in the middle of the living room floor, and Abby didn't bolt under the bed. In fact, she stayed out the entire time Anita was there, until Anita got close enough to touch her. Abby put up with a couple pets until she turned around and realized that it wasn't me touching her. Then she ran under the bed.

She's come out before when the front door was open, hoping to find a way to get outside. But yesterday the door was closed, so she had nothing to gain by staying out in the open, and everything to lose. I really hope this is the beginning of her learning to trust other humans.

Let's lose weight!

Well first, I set up a little site this morning to be able to record my measurements on. The coding needs some work (not sure why it's displaying the way it is), but the info. is there and I hope to update my measurements monthly (when I am weighed and measured at Curves).

http://home.earthlink.net/~vicsblog/fitness.html

My current approach isn't really dieting, but rather redoubling my efforts to eat healthier, only eating when I am hungry, taking diet pills and drinking green tea (1 cup per day), and keeping a journal of what I do eat during the day.

I did better today because it was Saturday which means CHURCH! :) Jane brought a chicken noodle soup made with whole wheat noodles to the potluck. Becky brought chicken and homemade wheat bread (still warm!). Someone brought a salad, and Anita brought a veggie platter and a fruit platter. I ate lots of celery because I was told it had "negative calories" - the energy your body uses to digest it is more than it contains. I had some mashed potatoes, but only a little.

Jane gave me the leftover soup to take home, and Anita gave me what was left of the veggie and fruit platters (mostly veggies).

I also asked for prayer for my weight loss and exercise during the Sharing and Prayer Time. It certainly can't hurt to ask for God's help.

Being Used By God

Monday's devotional reading was about God giving us the strength to do things for Him - helping and encouraging people, sharing our story, overcoming fear through faith, etc. It encouraged us to pray that God would strengthen and use us, so Monday night I prayed that God would use me on Tuesday. Well, He did! Tuesday I got to help train Devina at work. It was her first day and I had so much to teach her. Maybe not what I expected, but God moved everything into postion before I even prayed! Not bad, I'd say!

I'm going to have to change meds. The Zoloft's effectiveness is waning and the anxiety and depression are starting to come back. I have a doctor appointment the end of the month. I will talk with the doctor then.

I have't made it to Curves this week. I planned to go Monday, but then I thought I was running short on time, so I went straight to work - and arrived an hour early. So - I'm so proud of myself - I went for a walk down to the Hilton and back...20 minutes or so. :) I'll go later today for sure.

Spring Cleaning

(Leap Day)

Well, of one picture at least. I have two good pics of me taken at Conference last summer. But I am wearing an ExWitch t-shirt in one of them, so I haven't been able to use the picture lately. IPhoto proved useless for remedying the problem. Finally, Brad was over here a couple weeks ago and we figured out how to use ClarisWorks to edit the photo. I was finally able to do that this morning. So I now have a picture of me wearing that shirt that no longer has the EW logo on it. You can't even tell it was edited without looking pretty closely. :) I wish forgiveness were so easy to do.

The Passion of the Christ

WOW!

I really can't say anything else. WOW! That was truly an epic movie, as good as the Lord of the Rings movies (that's saying something!), though in a totally different way of course. Very graphic and bloody, but I suspect the real event was that way too. There is some artistic liberty, but it doesn't really take away from the message of the film. The matinee here was nearly empty - there are advantages to having Fridays off - but the night shows were sold out. I met a woman on the bus who was headed to Union City with her son because it was sold out.

It starts in the Garden of Gethsemane, and goes through His body being taken down from the cross. Then it fades out and there is a brief ressurection scene. I was greatful to see that. It completes the story.

James Caviezel is masterful in his performance of Jesus. The film is in Aramiac with subtitles, but so much takes places with image and music, so the actors' performance is paramount. The words take a back seat to that. It brought Jesus' sufferings to life. It brought the Bible to life.

Everybody...

See it! See it! See it!

And bring the tissues. I cried. To see the final hours of Jesus' life so close to the way it really happened...wow.

I do not understand love like Yours, Jesus. Thank You for becoming human, that You can truly understand us creatures. Thank You for Christmas and Easter and everything in between. Thank You for dying the death I deserved. Too see that today, in all its horror, really brings the whole thing home. Thank You, Lord.

official site

Ashes to Ashes

Ash Wednesday

Short on time this morning, but it is Ash Wednesday and I am running off to church. I'm not giving anything up because God asks for the same thing every year - all of me. While I have been wearing a lot of black, today I did so on purpose. Ash Wednesday is about sorrow and repentance - we acknowledge that our sins put Jesus on the cross.

Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of the Christ, opens today. I'll be seeing it Friday. It's Rated R and from what I hear, quite gory.

Busy

Let's see. I'm been so busy editing my blog, I've fallen way behind on entries.

Last week on Wednesday I joined Curves, the fitness centers for women. I entered a drawing, and though I didn't win, they called everyone who had entered. So my initial intake interview was in the Laurel District, but I decided to join the one at Fruitvale because they are much easier for me to get to. Thursday was my first workout, and Monday of this week was my second. I am planning to go later today to my third. I like it. Now I just hope I can stick with it. Because the location is new I got $100 off on the registration, so it was $49 to register and $39 for the first month.

More updates later when I have time and inclination.

FINALLY!

Well, I am finally getting my blog back up. I have taken out just about every reference to ExWitch that could. There are still a few - some couldn't be avoided - but almost every reference to my casting away has been taken out. I still have the originals saved - it is a record of what happened to me and I have no reason to be ashamed. But God told me to take them out of public view and so I had to do what He said. He said vengeance is His and He will repay (or not), and I have to abide by that. I have done everything He said to, and the last thing - forgive - can only be done through prayer. All the work from here on out will be prayer work. I must learn to forgive, and, as the sermon was about today, love, even if those persons are my enemies. Oh God, please give me the mind of Christ because I cannot do these things in my own strength.

The short version...I was kicked out of EW both as a mod and a member on New Year's Day. Even though I repented of my sin, they did not consider me ready to come back, even just as a regular member. In my opinion, their treatment of me was poor, and if my church hadn't shown me mercy and grace I might have gone back to the goddess. She was sure gunning for me for 5 weeks and her voice was suductive. I finally got tired of her game, and, in a final attempt to remain Christian, prayed that God would protect me from her. Finally, God smacked her down the following week, on February 8, at City Church.

That week I also furfilled what He said to do - apologize for my part. Now I can walk away free. God also told me to massively edit the blog. The first edit wasn't enough for Him, so this is my second attempt and I trust it will be enough.

It was a mess, but thankfully it's over, and God has indeed opened a window in Cern's forum and Phil's listserve, Circle and Cross Talk. I think I am supposed to still be doing this kind of ministry. Sure the two new places aren't the same, but they are somewhat similar. I have to deal with M's presence at both places, but I pretend he isn't there. It's the best I can do.

Some lines from my poem "Soft Butterfly" come back to me:

Teach me to forgive,
As I have been forgiven,
For darkness has fluttered down,
Landing soft on my shoulders.

This is much like the song that played during the credits of The Fellowship of the Ring. This is the chorus:

Mornie utúlië (darkness has come)
Believe and you will find your way
Mornie alantië (darkness has fallen)
A promise lives within you now

I don't know if all the accent marks will show up right.

When Life is Soft Around the Edges

I have so much to say, I scarcely know where to start. All I can say is never underestimate the power of God.

K and I have been e-mailing back and forth the last several days in order to get the remaining articles on her site down. The exchange has only served to stir the hurt feelings that are still there. Church yesterday helped, but only a little.

This morning (Sunday) I got out of bed and somehow got dressed and on my way to City Church in San Francisco. I saw Janice, but she says she is now attending the early service, which I can't go to. Getting myself there between 11 and 11:30 is hard enough. 9:45 is nigh impossible. It's 90 minutes to the church by public transit, never mind how early I'd have to get up. Besides, from the second service I can leave directly for work; the timing is just better. I bet Carol is also attending the early service. So I will no longer see the only two people I know there. :(

However, I don't go to City Church for the fellowship. My home church fills that need. City gives me other things - upbeat music, good sermons, and communion nearly every week.

The service has changed a bit to add a bit more liturgy before the communion. It reminds me of the Episcopal church and so is quite welcome. They have also changed to "Guidelines for Reception of Communion", adding some things and changing the wording a bit. One of the additions hit me hard. Here are the guidelines, with the "ouch" part emphasized:

Communion, also called The Lord's Supper or the Eucharist, is the family meal of Christians. We invite all committed followers of Jesus Christ to partake of this sacrament: those who are baptized members of a congregation which proclaims the gospel, who are at peace with God and with their neighbor, and who seek strength to live more faithfully for Christ. If you are not a Christian, or if you are not prepared to share in this meal, we encourage you to spend this time in prayer using the prayers provided below as guidelines. We hope that this time is helpful to you as you consider your relationship with Jesus Christ and with His people, the church.

Reading that hurt. I had read it before the service and thought about it throughout. I did take communion. I sense grace in it, and that is something I am thirsty for. But God had coalesced what He has been trying to say to me: I need to make peace with K and co. by apologizing in an e-mail without "buts" or accusations.

This doesn't mean I can work with them, that I've managed to forgive them or anything else. It just means that this is what God wants me to do. I've been sensing a tug from the Holy Spirit lately, and this is just a BIG sign saying that I need to say I'm sorry, ask forgiveness, and move on.

I nearly cried during communion. I sit in the front of the church and am therefore one of the first people to get the elements. I sat in my chair while everyone else went forward and was simply overcome. I have screwed up in so many ways the last 5 weeks, and the last 5 months. I gave up a sin and received forgiveness, then went back to it and now must receive forgiveness again. I have been mean and nasty to fellow Christians and spoken things that, while maybe being true, have not been Christlike.

And yet...He calls me to the table to receive grace and forgiveness and restoration with Him. It cost Him everything, but He loves me that much.

After the service was over, I descended on the pastor. Pastor Harrell is a wonderful person who works very hard for his church. He commands respect, and yet is approachable. I told him how much that one line in the Guidelines effected me, and gave an EXTREMELY brief overview that I had been kicked out of the ministry I had worked with. I had messed up, harsh words were spoken on all sides...just the basic basics.

And he offered to pray for me. I don't even remember what all he said, but the offer of prayer for me right then and there really touched me. He put his hand on my shoulder, and I remember him asking God to give me the words and phrases to say, and asking for eventual reconciliation. Until he mentioned that, it never really occurred to me that that might happen.

So I left church with a sense of life being soft around the edges. The problems are all still there, and I am the same person that somehow dragged herself out of bed this morning, but church helps more than I can say. Never underestimate the power of God.

I thought about the apology I'll need to make all the way to work. I kept circling back to one word, what will be required to be gotten rid of to do this apology the way God wants: PRIDE. He wants me to go against all my natural instincts, and say what needs to be said, even though it will make them feel good and happy and me feel horrible.

I got to work and I had a few minutes before I started, so I opened up my Bible and my devotional so everything will be all ready when I read the Bible and pray on my way home. The title of the devotional was innocuous enough: "Hearts Lifted Up." Then my eyes fell on the little pithy sentence at the end of the reading that sums up the lesson: "You won't get indigestion by swallowing your pride." *SMACK* Hit again by God's "clue by four"!

So that's where I am. I am NOT saying that I'll be back at EW anytime soon, or ever. I'm NOT saying they are 100% right and I'm 100% wrong. I'm not saying anything about them. God will deal with them; I just need to learn to let go and hand it over. I need to say I'm sorry for MY part in the mess, irregardless of what THEY do. THAT is God's way. Too many times I have tried to do the Holy Spirit's job for Him, by telling them where they have failed. I need to leave them to Him, and move on.

I wanted to add one other thing, and that is that K is right about the blog. I don't know what I'm going to do exactly yet, but I will need to do something to take the EW entries out of public view. What form that will take I don't know yet, but it seems God is saying to me to not talk about them as I have, even if it's true. Truthfulness isn't the issue; Christlikeness is.

I don't know yet what all of this means. I'm still basking in the glow as I type this and don't know how I will feel tomorrow or the next day or the next as reality comes crashing back in. I just need to hold onto what God taught me today, and let it permeate my life.

Go and Sin No More

Church yesterday really helped. Put me in a good frame of mind. I stayed the whole day and we gathered at pastor's house, even though he had to catch a flight to So. Cal. for a meeting that night. Jane showed a couple videos of R.T. Kendell being interviewed for a couple books he wrote. One book was on forgiveness.

When I got home there was a message from Jules from EW also saying I should forgive. I already knew it, but why does God need to bash me over the head with it?

Due to the e-mail K sent earlier this week, pastor wanted to talk to me yesterday. As for the sin that started all this, I once again admitted it was wrong, told him I had not been to any of those sites since, and in return he showed something that has been in short supply lately - mercy and grace. He said, "Go and sin no more."

In Sabbath School we finished up Job with God's speach at the end. Studying Job for the last month has been a comfort. Yes, I know God sees me and my situation.

Burnt Offerings

The goddess wants me back. She tells me that she'll take me back, why do I need a God who does this to His followers, and lets other followers do it? She's not angry. She'll welcome me back. It's a seductive song. She tells me to renounce this God I've been following and go where I am loved and supported. Who is the worthy one? Who truly loves me?

Well, I need to get ready for Sabbath.

Productivity

I had a very productive sick day at home. I dyed my hair (red), painted my nails (black), vaccuumed the rug, fixed the links on my Sabbath pages, got the new printer up and running finally (that took all morning), did some work on the church binder to get everything in place and ready for our next business meeting, and of course, updated my blog.

Sniffle

I think I'm getting something. My throat was sore all Thursday and it only got progressively worse. I guess I will find out how bad it is when I wake up later today. I managed to get Sunday off if I need it (Lisa said she will fill in if I want), but after that I don't know. Brad is on vacation this coming week so it's the wrong week to get sick. I'm even supposed to do some much needed overtime. I am sure I am sick because the stress I've been placed under for two weeks now has broken down my immune system. First I battle a cold sore and now this.

And on that note, I have to go get the laundry downstairs.