Thank God for My Church

Long weekend. Due to K's e-mail to me last week about how she intends to follow everything I say online even though I asked her not to, Brian felt that I should talk to my pastor. I wasn't planning on it this past Saturday, so I didn't have the e-mail to show him, and he wasn't terribly interested in seeing it after the fact. We talked anyway.

He agreed with Brian on one point. People shouldn't feel broken over other peoples' sin, only their own.

I outlined my fears about messing up and her finding out and contacting him. He suggested that I tell him first if I do, rather than him hearing it from her. Strangely enough, that made me feel better. Not that I would (or wouldn't) tell him, but to know that if I am truly sorry that I won't be judged and tossed out - very comforting.

I realized that since I was booted and Pastor Steve was told every gory detail, I have been afraid that my church would treat me the same as they did. It appears now that I may have been wrong. I need my church solidy on my side through all this because of the temptation of going back to what got me in trouble to begin with.

Pastor said that he prays for me, that this particular thing had slipped, but said he would start praying about it for me again. What did I do to deserve such a supportive church and pastor? [sniff]

Due to my chat with Pastor Steve, I started eating lunch late, and with a memorial service that afternoon, they kicked us off the table so they could get set up, so I had to finish eating in another room with the plate on my lap.

The memorial service started around 2:30 and lasted way too long for my liking. Bea Hibbard was much beloved, and people flew in from as far as Maryland. Her late husband was one of the first pastors of the church. Though I never met her, I felt like I knew a bit about her when the service was over.

Sunday City Church met at Central SDA. I always go when the service is there, so I dragged myself in. They had a guest speaker, and the entire pastoral staff was gone, Pastor Harrell on sabbatical still, and everyone else at a community group training retreat of some sort. The guest people used Psalm 73 and talked about "Crisis and Renewal." Story of my life this year, that sermon was. And my devotional Sunday night (James 3:1-12) challenged me to stop talking (typing) bad things about those that hurt me, moreover, to forgive said people (Eph. 4:32), and to "get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger" (Eph. 4:31). (Okay, it was Friday's lesson, but I missed it then and it looked good so I read it Sunday.)

Finished all the devotionals I had to write Sunday night. Now just go through to see how it reads and edit a bit, then turn it in by September 1. :) Whammo...$150.

New shoes!

I bought new running shoes last week. Under $30 at Payless shoes and that was the most expensive pair. They are just Spalding brand. I think I will weigh in them since they are almost as heavy as the shoes I normally weigh in and I am getting tired of dragging two pairs of shoes to the gym every week.

Talking to my pastor, and a confession

Bleh.

Well, I took Brian's advice and talked to my pastor yesterday, outlining some of the things in K's e-mail. He agreed with you on one point, Brian. People shouldn't feel broken over other peoples' sin, only their own.

I told him how I was afraid that I would mess up (like when I was booted), that K would find out, and then she would tell pastor. He suggested that I tell him first if I do, rather than him hearing it from her. Strangely enough, that makes me feel better. Not that I would (or wouldn't) tell him, but to know that if I am truly sorry that I won't be judged. I realized that since they booted me and made sure Pastor Steve knew everything, I have been afraid that my church would treat me the same. It appears now, happily, that I may have been wrong.

I don't know if he heard me in the jumble, but I did say that I had failed once since we had last talked, though I don't think I said when. In truth, it had been just the night before (this past Friday).

Pastor said that he prays for me, but that this particular thing had slipped, but said he would start praying about it for me again.

I've confessed to God and asked for forgiveness, but I still feel guilty. It's doubly bad because I think God tried to stop me. All of a sudden when I started trying to do things I shouldn't, my computer started going REAL slow and acting strange. I know from experience that I have to shut everything down and restart. Which I did. All this took several minutes during which time God was saying, "Don't do it, Victoria. Stop now before you do something you'll regret." But do I listen? Nooooo. I restart the dang thing and proceed on to stuff I shouldn't be involved in. So now I feel dirty for failing when God gave me an open door through the computer trouble to walk away and gave me several minutes of warnings. Why do I consistently fail to listen to Him?

The Netherlands

I finally got tired on the praise music tapes I have, and pulled out an old Wayne Watson tape. The album is called The Way Home, and the song that struck me is "Growing." I always knew part of the song was about following God even when you can't feel Him in your life, but Tuesday night it hit me that the entire song is about that. I won't print all the lyrics here - copyright issues - but it's a good song.

The song reminded me of an old Touched By An Angel episode called "The Netherlands" where Monica doubts God and walks away. During that time, she has no angelic powers, and has to make a choice when God is nowhere to be seen, but Satan was very loud and visible, and his words were oh so sweet. I thought back to January and the beginning of February this year. I couldn't sense God anywhere, but I could hear HER quite easily, and her words were tempting.

I think all Christians go through times like that. Dry times when, as the "Growing" song says, "There's no comfort in praying, not a moment's pleasure in straying." C.S. Lewis also touches on the subject in his novel The Screwtape Letters.

Now is not one of those times. Any distance from God at the moment is my own fault for not making time for my relationship with Him. Something to work on. But the beginning of this year was one of those times when I couldn't sense God's presence. It was like He wasn't there. The verse that comes to mind is 2 Chronicles 32:31, about God leaving us to test us.

Ok, it's way past bedtime. Nighty!

Speaking the Truth

Instead of a regular service today, Andre and Sarah gave reports on their summer with SCSC and the things they did and learned about God. Andre is now back. Sarah leaves Friday for college in Oklahoma. Pastor sent out an e-mail earlier this week asking anyone who had been at Conference to also give reports if we wanted. Boy, did I want! We ran out of time, but there was enough for Jane and I to give reports.

I had to scribble a few notes, but I just HAD to talk about forgiveness because that's what God impressed on me at Conference, has impressed on me all year. I talked about Pastor Rod Henry Tuesday night and how he challenged us about there being any parts in our lives where God isn't and to let Him into those areas. I said I went forward at the invitation. I talked about God doing some mysterious work in my heart in that moment. The forgiveness at that moment was all God and not something I could ever do. I talked about learning to trust Him, as forgiveness really IS an issue of trusting God to take care of the people involved. I still struggle with the emotions involved, and the flesh that still brings up feelings of bitterness, but that I am trying to focus on God, what He's done in all this, and what He taught me about Himself. Romans 8:28 applies to this situation, too.

I briefly looked at pastor, as he knows the whole story, and he smiled and nodded once. My voice cracked a couple times as I talked - it is a very emotional issue, whether sadness at what was done to me, or joy at how God responded to the situation. When that happened I had to get my voice under control. Conference is joyful; it would not be right to cry while talking about what happened while I was there.

Pastor Steve is the only person who knows the whole story and showed me Christ's grace and mercy. Being able to see Christ through him helped me to hold on to my faith in the situation. When I could not feel God's presence, and all evidence pointed against Him and back to the goddess, God made sure one person would give me what I needed to hold on.

---

Pastor Steve was the only person willing to accept my apology, to believe my apology. I could also safely express to him how I was doubting my faith and thinking about going back. I expressed that both in person and by e-mail. I still have his e-mailed response.

It has been a very hard year, but God has been working behind the scenes, undoing what He can, bringing good out of what He can't. I nearly went back to HER, but in the end He came to my defense, and my faith is now stronger. This is the biggest good brought out of the evil done.

A struggle still remains. I once prayed about leaving the C&C Listserve so I don't go crazy and stay bitter, but I had a strong "no" feeling. I believe God wants me there, still wants me in ministry to Pagans. The feelings...they will just have to be dealt with. He sure doesn't pick the easy lessons.

After months of suffering, of my praise being all but extinguished, it is starting to well back up, like waking from sleep to a world still evil, but a God who is Lord over all. And so I praise Him, and hope that perhaps someday in heaven, I can be reconsiled to those who have hurt me. Perhaps there, nothing that transpired will matter anymore. But in this world, the less contact the better. Forgiveness does not mean letting the abuser(s) back into your life.

I'll quote again a portion of my favorite song from Conference, a song that taught me that it's possible to praise Him no matter how bad the pain.

"Blessed be Your name, when I'm found in the desert place Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be Your name.
"Blessed be Your name, on the road marked with suffering Though there's pain in the offering Blessed be Your name."

--"Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt and Beth Redman

Indeed, Lord, blessed be Your name.

Six months in...

Ok, today I realized I am six months into this weight loss/get healthy thing at Curves, and 4 1/2 months into Atkins. I've lost 6.2% body fat, so that's about 1% per month. My final goal is to lose 10% body fat. Total weight loss is 32.5 pounds. Wow! To think of how much that weighs and that I'm not carrying it around anymore! I've lost 19.75 inches - so almost 20. According to Curves I've lost 24 inches, so I need to recheck my math.

Weighty Matters

On the weight loss front, I did gain a bit. When I weighed myself Monday at Curves I had lost 0.3 pounds, but I had my period at Conference, so I should have lost more. So I gained fat and lost some water. I'm getting serious about Atkins again now that I'm home, keeping carbs to under 40g a day. I am also at a point in the program where calories count, so I am having to watch that if I want to start losing again. My menu for the week is posted here.

More on Conference

To finish up with what happened at Conference:
Thursday morning was the men's chorus. Oscar was in it and just collapsed partway through. A couple doctors ran to help him. It turned out to not be serious, thankfully. He had a cold or something and thought he could make it through, but couldn't. He rested for a while before joining back in.

I did get to help out with communion. I helped break the bread up into little pieces. I also got to help clean up. I enjoyed both. :)

Communion went well. The guy in charge nabbed me on my way into the chapel and asked me to guard the extra juice and bread on the back pew. So I sat on the very back pew and got Dave (who has visited my church once) to sit with me. The guy in charge asked me to sit by the elements so that no one trying to sit in the pew would accidentally hit it with a bag or something and knock it over. During communion I nearly cried thinking about all God has done in my life this past year.

Saturday morning was Sabbath School. I went to one on the Conference theme, Seeking God With All Your Heart. It was taught by Joanna Kandel. I was going to be in Cheri Appel's class, but when I saw the sheet of questions she handed out I got spooked and left.

Following that was Sabbath morning worship, far too serious and staid for my liking. In the afternoon was the children's program, followed by the Lost Creek church's presentation. The Lost Creek presentation was interesting. They did it in the form of a skit of a church business meeting. I was really surprized at the kinds of things that would get one disfellowshipped back then. Breaking the Sabbath and being drunk are things that would hardly make anyone bat an eyelash today! How times have changed!

Conference Updates

These updates are arranged backward chronilogically and were written during my vacation in West Virginia at the Seventh Day Baptist General Conference. Pictures from Conference will be posted as soon as I can get them up. [Note: There is no time/date stamp on this post, so I'll just guess.]


Sabbath, August 7, 2004

I want to weep with gratitude at all God has done for me this year. He can work in power at any time, of course, but it seems His power is more clearly shown in the valleys.

(time unknown)


Friday, August 6, 2004

More on the situation with Witchita Falls, TX. Basically they were admitted to the Conference 23 years ago, even though they held aberant beliefs that did not agree with our Statement of Belief (such as the Trinity). For some reason, it is just now being dealt with, and I personally think the credit goes to the situation two years ago in Alfred, NY. It seems to have woke the denomination up to problem churches needing correction. At least the Alfred situation ended better, with that church remaining a part of the Conference after the then pastor resigned and his wife was baptised and took over.

(While I don't believe women should be pastors, it was probably the right decision in this case as, IMHO, her husband was not in a place where he should be pastor. Perhaps when he left his old church [he was still a Mormon!] and figured out what he believed, but he was a man in transition who never should have been made pastor to begin with.)

Let's see, back to Witchita Falls. They held some aberant, Unitarian views on the Trinity. The pastor was setting dates for Christ's return, and they published literature on these and other topics using the SDB name. My understanding is that those in the church who did not believe this theology had already left, leaving only the pastor and those who believed the aberant theology behind. So as of yesterday they are now an independant church and no longer part of the General Conference.

One thing that happened yesterday that I forgot - a recommendation was brought to the floor about SDBs as a whole affirming the traditional view of marriage as between one man and one woman. No one stepped forward to make any comments (the woman reading the report with the recommendation seemed genuinely thankful), but when it came to a vote there were one or two "no" votes - far short of enough, and so it easily passed. It's good to know that SDBs, on average, still hold to the traditional views.

This year the communion service will be tonight (Conference Presidents have a choice of holding it Friday night or Saturday morning.) I may get to help set up and/or clean up, but only deacons can serve and I ain't one. (File that under "stupid chuch rules.")

Last night at worship instead of the Lord's Prayer we sang the Doxology. I like any litergy, so I'll take what I can get.

There is a song we have sung a couple times, and I have found it deeply meaningful. It is "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt and Beth Redman. I won't type the whole thing, just the pertinant parts. I will note that the song switches between scenes of joy and peace and scenes of pain and sadness.

"Blessed be Your name, when I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name.

Blessed be Your name, on the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name.

Bridge:
You give and take away.
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say
Blessed be Your name."

I have suffered much this past year, but the praise is beginning to bubble back up. Instead of focussing on the wrong done to me, I am choosing to focus on what God did to rescue me from the brink of going back to HER. Because of God and the gentle way my pastor treated me, I am still a Christian today. This is why I use the names "Charis" and "Eleos" on the C&C list. I can now honestly praise Him and say, "On the road marked with suffering, when there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name." And it is this song, more than any other this week, that touched me, causing me to praise, my arms upraised to heaven.

Thank You, God, for all You have done to me and for me this year. I am just a child, to stupid to realize in the midst of pain that You always inflict pain for a reason, and never test us beyond what we can bear. Thank You for being faithful, and using this bad situation to show me my former gods' utter powerlessness.

And thank You for this respite, this haven in time and place where I can be with other believers and focus on You.

---

When I lost my pedometer, someone found it and turned it in. I never have to worry about my bookbag being gone when I get up at meals to get seconds. And as I relaxed and read a book last night, winding down for bed, strains of "I Exalt Thee" floated in through the open window from somewhere down near the cafeteria. Yes, these are good people I am with, true believers in the Lord. Thank God that His people still exist, and thank God for this yearly reminder that my tiny church is not the only SDB church in the world, that I am part of a larger whole.

11:00


Thursday, August 5, 2004

Ok, the rest of Tuesday.

Evening worship was good. The speaker used the text on the parable of the talents and how if we do not use our talents for the Kingdom of God, we are like the third servant and not fit for the kingdom.

The nurse told me to stay off my injured ankle and ice it, so I am not excercising.

Wednesday:
After breakfast, Dr. William Brackney, Professor at Baylor University spoke about "Seventh Day Baptists in a Baptist Context."

Then the Council on Ministry gave it's report, followed by the program of the Tract and Communications Council. This is usually funny, but since I volunteered to be part of the skit and was therefore (with a bunch of other people) seated behind the actors, I could not hear anything. I got a copy of the script afterwords so I could at least read what I missed. The TCC almost always presents its report in the form of a humerous skit.

Then lunch and the one Reference and Counsel committee I was able to attend. (Therefore, my name appears on no committee list since you must attend two sessions and this was the last session for them.) Since we let out early, I went back to my room and took a nap.

Then we had dinner followed by evening worship. The Scripture text was Luke 14:25-33, about taking up our cross and following Jesus.

I got to thinking in my room last night, and wanted to share my thoughts:

We have said the Lord's Prayer at every evening service this week. I like this because I like litergy. We say "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors." I always wonder: Can I, have I, forgiven those at EW who have hurt me the most? Dare I believe I have made progress in this sanctuary, this quiet, holy place separated from the world with its cares?

See, I went forward at the Monday evening service. Rod Henry did an altar call, asking if there was any areas in our lives that needed "God's Kingdom to come, His will to be done." And I need His kingdom to come in my forgiveness (or rather lack thereof). Dare I believe something changed in that moment?

I know the true test will come when I go back to the real world. Can I forgive, using Stan Toler's definition, "The true cost of forgiveness lies in being willing to live with the consequences of someone else's sin"?

I know there is much unforgiveness in other areas of my life - my father, and the men who molested and sexually assaulted me are some examples - but God calls me to work on this single issue of EW for now. If I can solve this, I will have laid the groundwork for all the others.

Okay, that brings us up to today.

After breakfast was the SCSC program. We sang some choruses, and they read Scriptures by "team," and presented a skit, with Andre (from my church) in the center. It was about sin and how those who are hurt can turn to Jesus. Andre was the Jesus figure. They did it totally without words, just a recorded song in the background, and I thought they did a good job of getting the point across. They had obviously put some work into it.

After that Pastor George Calhoun did the Bible study, talking about a pastor's role, and also how the congregation should support the pastor. I filled two notebook pages (about half or a little more the size of a regular piece of paper) with notes.

Then we had business, and this is where it could have gotten interesting, as the Reference and Counsel report was given, and the situation with the Witchita Falls, TX church came up. A motion was made which I seconded, but it was lunch so we broke for lunch and came back at 1, whereupon we backed up a bit and dealt with another issue first: that of making Vision Christian Fellowship a member church of the Conference. This was happily passed with much clapping.

Then came the issue of the Witchita Falls Church, which I seconded again, and some discussion ensued - not about the rightness or wrongness of the action, but concerns about what the deacons and church members believed, how reconcilliation had been tried, with a delegation traveling all the way to Texas, and so on. With these issues addressed there was not one single "no" vote. And just like that, they were no longer a member church of Conference. Sad, but necessary.

The worst part is that 23 years ago when this church became a member of Conference, they held these same views. They were made a member holding the same heretical views that today made them not a member anymore. It is clear that they should not have been given membership, but now all we could do is undo that mistake of the past. Again, I credit the situation two years ago in Alfred with waking people up to the problems in Witchita Falls.

After this was the Thursday seminar time, but I skipped it to come to the library and catch up online. :)

So, all in all I learned a lot about the SDB denomination this week, how things work in committees and on the floor and the role of delegates and such. Most I knew before, but this is my third year participating and it helped to really solidify it in my mind.

Fun week, other than my ankle injury. On that front, at least I am not limping anymore.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

11:11


Tuesday, August 3, 2004

Hey peeps! Just popping in to say hi from West Virginia! Conference is great. Travelled all day Sunday - San Francisco to Altlanta to Pittsbugh, then a three hour drive in a cramped car - imagine 5 people AND their luggage in a midsize car - and we arrived at the Conference site about 3 a.m. Monday morning. Needless to say, I had to take a nap Monday afternoon because by the time I got to sleep, I slept 2-3 hours max. But the nap did make me feel much more awake so I could actually enjoy the evening worship.

So let's see.

After only about 2 hours sleep on Sunday night, I got up and had breakfast. Then we had morning Bible study. Paul Manuel talked about the paprable of the soils, the developing seed, and the mustard seed.

Then there was Conference business in the chapel (that's the meeting place for all business that includes everybody from every church.

After lunch I went to the General Conference orientation, where they talked about what Conference is and how it works. They've never done anything like this before and I only wish they'd had it two years ago - everything I have learned has been teh had way through asking questions and observing sctuff around me. Having a little class that capsulizes it really helped, and I did learn some stuff I didn't know.

After that I tried to go to the Reference and Council committee meeting, but my lack of sleep caught up with me and I couldn't concentrate to save my life. I went back to my dorm room and took a little nap, setting my watch alarm to wake me for dinner.

After dinner was evening worship. Pastor Rod Henry talked about "God's Kingdom Within You." I had always wondered what to make of that verse, and I thought he did a good job of explaining one perspective. He did an altar call, asking us where in our lives we needed to let His kingdom into. "Thy kingdom come in ____ area of my life, so that Thy will be done in my life." I am lacking seriously on the forgiveness front, the big lesson God seems to have for me this year, so I went forward and prayed about that (and missed the closing hymn). When I looked up, there were many other people up front, kneeling all around me.

Rod Henry is cool. His style reminds me of fire and brimstone preachers, but his message is challenging and not condemning.

Afterwards, as I talked with Pastor Ray and walked with him back toward his dorm, I saw lights coming up from the grass. I didn't know what it was, and it was so normal to him that he didn't know why I was asking what they were. They were fireflies I learned. I have NEVER seen fireflies before. I think they are one of God's better creations. So beautiful. :)

Today I was up at 7 for breakfast, then morning Bible study. Pastor Steve James preached about being prepared, using the paparble of the 10 virgins as his text.

Then the Missionary Society presented their report and talked about the various things they are doing. I skipped the business meeting after that in order to get a shower. Then we had lunch, and then I skipped committee meetings and part of a seminar to come to the library on campus and find a computer to do this update. :) I'll continue with updates as time and computer access allows.

Oh, leaving the chapel to head to my dorm for the shower, I missed seeing a step and twisted my ankle a bit. It hurts a little, but it's not seriously injured and I can walk on it okay. I need to be careful though. This is the same ankle I seriously sprained in the spring of 1996, so it is not as strong as my other ankle.

Okay, bye for now. Conference is great and the humidity isn't too bad.

11:11

Jeans

Worked out for 45 minutes today, 5 minutes of stretching, and some walking in the city to shop and check my mail.

Discovered the difference in jeans. The stretch jeans are TIGHT in the hip and thigh, and I need a 16. The non-stretch jeans are relaxed in the hip and thigh and I can wear a 14! :) So I bought a pair of non-stretch 14s (still can't fit the stretch 14s in the closet), and a jeans jacket. The jacket is XXL. :( Even the XL was tight in the armpits and shoulders.

Anyway, a cool new jeans outfit to go on vacation with. Total cost of about $52-$53.

Size 14/16

Worked out for 45 minutes today, 5 minutes of stretching, and some walking in the city to shop and check my mail.

Discovered the difference in jeans. The stretch jeans are tight in the hip and thigh, and I need a 16. The non-stretch jeans are relaxed in the hip and thigh and I can wear a 14! :) So I bought a pair of non-stretch 14s (still can't fit the stetch 14s in the closet), and a jeans jacket. The jacket is XXL. :( Even the XL was tight in the armpits and shoulders.

Anyway, a cool new jeans outfit to go on vacation with. Total cost of about $52-$53.

*Wail!*

*wail*

I gained 2 pounds! I've been eating more carbs, sure, but never more than 50 a day. And last week I didn't exercise because of my wallet being stolen and all my time and energy went into dealing with that situation. And now I'm 2 pounds heavier! *wail*

I hope I show a weight loss for the last two weeks, but TOM is coming in the next week or two (I hope he doesn't show up until AFTER Conference!), so I may be at my highest weight before I leave and show little to no loss. :-p I have been craving sugar lately, but been staying away because I don't want my addictions in control.
Everyone wish my luck that I make good choices at Conference. It'll be college dorm food for a week and I will be thrilled to simply not gain. Then I will come back and cut my carbs and get back to fat burning again. I think I don't need to go back to Induction or anything. Just maybe cut back to like 40g a day, which is where I should be right now (I go over every day - been terrible this week).

I'll post my weight tomorrow and that will remain my official weight for at least a week and a half until I get back. Oh, I hope I don't gain!

Back to Work :(

I am working only Monday and Wednesday this week and I will get some sort of escort to a place to wait (but no one to wait with me), but after I get back from vacation, I am once more fair game for every mugger out there. :( I wish my employer were more understanding.

Went to City Church today. I really needed the extra shot in the arm. Visiting City Church always makes me feel thankful to God. I also needed communion. I know it is "just" a symbol, but I find a grace in it that I was never taught was there. We recited the Apostles' Creed as usual. It gave me the idea for the unison reading I'll need to do at church this next weekend. We haven't done the Nicene Creed in a while. :)

Which reminds me, we may have a guest speaker, but Anita and I have to run the actual service. I'll probably do the unison reading and the offering. Anita will do the singing. I'm trying to get the guest speaker, Pastor Sexton from First Baptist Church of Modesto, to do the opening prayer. I really detest praying out loud in public.

I leave next Sunday for Conference. Yea! My one real vacation all year. No updates here during that time. I will try to keep a journal and post it when I get back.

Birthday party

Birthday party at church yesterday. I ate lots of meat and salad, and had an Atkins Advantage bar instead of cake and ice cream. Yep, not one bite of either for me. I just made sure I was stuffed so that I wouldn't WANT any, lol. I did eat 48g of carbs though, which is way more than normal for me.

"That's the Reality of the Situation"

That's what I was told by my boss. I either go back to work on that shift, or find another department (slim to no chance of this). Anything else would impact other people negatively, so I have to go back out there, even though this will probably happen again. All I can do is go down to the Park and Ride lot and wait there, as if a little more light is going to stop something happening. (Seeing as how bright lights made no difference this time.)

"We can get someone to drive you down to the Park and Ride," they said, but only until I can psychologically get over this (!!!). In other words, they want me to be held up at gunpoint again. They are all men; they have no conception and they don't care. It's my fault I don't have a car, it's my fault this happened because I work swing. Either that or find another job "with another company." (I.e. Start over, good-bye, and good riddens.) Maybe God really does want me dead. :( Maybe it will be better that way.

Send in the Clowns

Where do I start? Right after the hold up I tried to call my bank,but they said they could do little until the next day - the servers were being updated overnight. They said to call back at 6 a.m. When I got home I contacted Experion and placed a flag on my account. They said they would contact the other two major companies. They also gave me a free credit report that I printed out. Then I called Old Navy and cancelled my credit card with them, something I've been meaning to do for a while anyway.

Tuesday night I didn't sleep at all. Wednesday morning at 6 a.m. I called my bank and cancelled my ATM/Visa card. To close my account (he got my checks,too) I needed to go into a branch, so that had to wait until later that day. Then I went into my local branch and put a freeze on my old account. It couldn't be closed due to two outstanding charges I had made Tuesday in SF. I opened a new account, ordered new checks, and they gavemy temporary checks. What is doubley sad is that I had just received new checks for my old account, and now the money spent on those is gone.

Then I tried to go to the Social Security office to replace my card (yep, that was in the wallet, too). I grabbed an Atkins shake to get some nutrition into me, but the bus driver copped me an attitude and wouldn't let me on the bus with the drink, so I had to wait until the next one. I cried right there at the bus stop. Next, the address listed in the phone book was incorrect! So Social Security would have to wait until Thursday. Then I changed clothes to go to the DMV to replace my IC card. When I was almost there I remembered I needed money to BUY the new card, and I had none. I know that seems like an incredibly stupid thing to not think about, but I hadn't slept all night. I accomplished almost zippo Wednesday.

Wednesday night my appetite finally came back and I ate a lot, had a couple drinks, took two Benedryl, and crashed out for about 15 hours. Thursday was payday, so I went to the bank, found that even though the two charges had cleared, they still couldn't close my account because my paycheck had been deposited into it. They transfered the money, but it will be another day until it can be closed.

I took out $100, went to Social Security to get a new card, went to the DMV for a new ID (ID cards in California are now $20!), and then went to work to get my direct deposit transfered to my new account. Louise had left for the wekend, so I gave the check to someone else. Lupe wasn't there so I left a note on her desk that I needed a new Health Assistance card. I also found out that they thought my access card had been in my wallet, so it had been deactivated. I talked to Carla and she fixed it. Finally, I did some grocery shopping on my way home.

Today I have to hit my other bank in SF and get a copy of the police report. I called Delta yesterday about flying with no ID and they said a copy of the police report might help. So far I have an old expired Califoirnia ID (thank You, God for helping me find that!). I have recepits from both Social Security and the DMV that I applied for new cards, a certified copy of my birth cirtificate I dug out of my files, and hopefully a copy of the police report.

Theology of the Chaos

I know I'm rambling, but it's been a busy week and I want to get everything down; I know some stuff will be left out. I think about the hold up a lot during the day, but haven't had any nightmares. That's a blessing. I'm just holding onto God's promise that He won't give us more than we can handle.

I came across a couple quotes yesterday that I wanted to share:

God...is very gentle with young Christians, just as mothers are with very young babies...But as they grow stronger, and are able to bear more, He excercises them in a tougher school. He exposes them to as much testing by the pressure of opposed and discouraging influences as they are able to bear - not more (see the promise, 1 Corinthians 10:13), but equally not less (see the admonition, Acts 14:22). Thus He builds out character, strengthens our faith, and prepares us to help others. --J.I. Packer, Knowing God

...to redeem our brokenness and lovelessness the God who suffers with us did not strike some mighty blow of power but sent his beloved son to be like us, through his suffering to redeem us from suffering and evil. Instead of explaining our suffering God shares it. --Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son, pg. 81.

And that's a God I can believe in. :)

And this:
In the face of tragedy, I can respond either by blaming and turning against God or by turning toward him, trusting him to fashion good out of bad. One option focuses on the past and closes off the future. The other option opens the future, allowing an Artist to use whatever happens as the raw material for a new story, different than it would have been without the tragedy or failure, but in some ways even richer, redeemed...The wound will never heal completely, the problem never find a pure solution. We are offered instead the less satisfying but more realistic hope that God can redeem even the wound. --Philip Yancey, Reaching for the Invisible God, pgs. 267, 275-6

Brain Fog

Some days are better than other days. I tried to write the Bible devotions that I'm getting paid to do and are on a deadline, but just couldn't think. I had to really struggle to do just three; on a good day I could have knocked off an entire week in the same time! :-p Total brain fog today. I think I need more sleep. I give up for the day. Maybe tomorrow I can think clearer and get more work done. The writing is hard work, but I love it, since I 1) love crafting words, and 2) learn something new each time.

This Fallen World

No time to go into detail...I'm still in shock. I got held up at gunpoint Tuesday night and my wallet stolen. Only $44 and a couple credit cards, but I'm still in shock. The man scratched my hand when he grabbed the wallet from me, but I am okay other than that.

Please pray for me.

I notice fat people around me more. Today while waiting for the bus I took out my Atkins book and was just casually reading portions of it, and finding lots of stuff and pulling out my highlighter. There was this really fat woman who came up next to me and sat down. She was waiting for another bus that stops at the same stop. I glanced at her groceries - frozen pizza. There's that deadly high carbs and high fat combination. I had a frozen pizza, too, but it was a single serving Atkins pizza (gosh, was it GOOD!). I wonder if she saw what I was reading!

Oh, BTW, my church is becoming more supportive of my diet, but it was at the expense of a nasty aside from Jane about how I used to "really put it away" (i.e. eat a lot). Gee, thanks. I like you, too. :-p

Is It the Full Moon?

Well, Nancy finally got fed up with Sutera and gagged her on Thursday. Of course she immediately came back under more than a half dozen user names, and Nancy gagged each one. I am keeping my hands clean in this, and am refusing to do anything to her so that I can truthfully say that I have gagged none of her new aliases. We also found out that she is "DebLaPlante," a poster who caused trouble a couple years ago. She critisized Nancy for revealing her real name online, but SHE'S the one who admitted that Deb LaPlante was her real name, lol.

Anyway, it was a long day/night. She seems to have left for now - probably sleeping. She'll no doubt be back tomorrow. I really hope this is the end of this and we don't have to go through it again.

The funny part of all this? I have been fed up with Sutera for a long time, but Wednesday I posted a prayer request at CH Refugee about this, and spent time praying about it on the way home. One thing I asked God was to either calm her down, and make her go so ballistic that no doubt will be left about her true nature.

Well, after sending yet another complaint to Nancy today, she finally decided to take action. It is NOT coincidence that this happened the day after I prayed about it. God is so good! Now I must keep praying because Deb going ballistic is NOT a pretty sight!

Thank You, God for Your quick answer to this prayer!

Exercise bike

Trudging on out to my friend's house tomorrow. Ug. At least it is for a good cause. She's going to give me her old exercise bike. It's really old and the speedometer is broken, but the pedals should work. This way I can exercise at home on days when Curves is closed.

I give the fuck up!, take 2

I've prayed and asked God to deal with the situation because it is beyond me. Maybe he just wants me to come to the end of myself, and frankly, I don't think I'm quite there yet.

God has allowed everything this year to happen, and I don't suppose fighting Him on it will do any good. It is as it is, and none of it took Him by surprize. He saw it all before it happened and was therefore in the midst of it when we in our time/space mindset got there. I missed Him before, but now I see that He was there, even if He could not be seen, even though He chose to remain silent and let me suffer.

It's true what the Bible says about Him not allowing us to be tested beyond what we're able (1 Cor. 10:13). When I finally reached the end of my strength and cried out, He answered and pulled me back from the edge of the cliff.

I know the lesson I am supposed to learn this year; it couldn't be clearer. But it frustrates me to no end that I can't grasp it. How *do* you forgive someone who feels justified in hurting you, and in fact believes it is love?

I have nowhere else to go, but following Him is truly hard.

I give the fuck up!

Pardon the French. I'm really upset today. So upset I haven't had a good meal since breakfast because the whole thing just makes me sick to my stomach and I just can't eat. All I ate was a couple bunless hot dogs.

I give up. I can't handle this any longer. I can't take one more stab to the heart, one more twisting of the knife to cause more pain, one more "in your face" accusation to smear what reputation I may still have left.

I've had it. I got some serious praying to do on this issue and figure out what God wants me to do from here, but I can't take it anymore. If He doesn't want me in ministry, then He needs to tell me that, or He needs to take care of M, or give me a way of dealing with him because one more post from either of them and I swear I will lose it and that ain't pretty. I'm like Carol; I like to burn my bridges with nukes.

Argh!

God, what a day. No breakfast because of the lipid test I had to have. So I make my way, half asleep and cranky from low blood sugar, out to the place, trying to juggle one container of coffee, and one of a protein drink.

So I have the test - so painful - and then have to give them a unine sample. Bleh. Not a good experience.

Then some shopping at Mervyn's for underwear, a bra, and a cute little lace nighty that was on sale and BEGGING to be bought, lol. Then over to Albertson's because they had hot dogs on sale. Had trouble finding one for a decent sale price that had minimal carbs. The super cheap hot dogs had 4-5 carbs PER DOG. I finally found a huge pack of Foster Farms dogs with almost no carbs, and at a good price.

Then off to excercise at the Alameda-East Curves. At least I got repreive on my bad day while excercising there. Then off to my home Curves, open for the afternoon by then. Angel told me that they would sell the Curves shirts. I was also hoping they might sell me one of the cups, as I need something to hold my protein drinks. Well, they won't sell anything. Angel told me wrong. Isabelle could hear that I was upset and offered to sell me a cup for $5 and I accepted. But all I had in my wallet was a 1, a 10, and a 20. Curves had "no change." By this time I really was getting frustrated. I said I'd look for change and walked out. But as I walked I decided this was getting rediculous, and I wasn't going to put up with being jerked around like that. Who wants to drink out of a cup everyday that has those memories attached?

So back to the shopping center and GNC to buy a shaker cup there. Then back to Mervyn's to exchange the XL lace nighty for a L size, as the XL was too big.

I hadn't had anything but that protein drink all day, so I decided to go to Burger King and check out that new low carb menu I see advertised in the window. I asked for a double Whopper with cheese. First the cashier didn't know how to ring it up, then the people in the kitchen couldn't get the cheese on it. I saw the receipt and it clearly said "cheese," so they charged me for it, but they left it off! Idiots! I've had a rotten day and I can't even EAT without them screwing up the order. I didn't discover it until I was all the way home. They put it in a side order salad container, way too small for the patty size. And they didn't wrap it in lettuce like someone here said they would. They just covered it in those little pieces of lettuce, and then didn't even give me a knife and fork to eat with! I asked for no ketchip, and they gave me no anything, not even mayo, just a dry burger.

This rates as one of my worse experiences ever. I will NOT be going back.

The only redeeming quality of today - a reminder of God's goodness. As I sat here typing I watched Dateline NBC. It was about a Christian man who's wife and daughter were killed in a car wreck by a 19-year-old drag racer. It took a long time, but he came to forgive the person and kept him out of prison, and now the two of them talk at high schools about the dangers of drag racing and driving too fast. I was crying by the end. The work that grace can do in a person's heart will never cease to amaze me. I hope God will work that grace in my heart towards those who hurt me, even though none of them admit any culpability.

From the rising of the sun unto the going down of the same the LORD's name is to be praised.
--Psalm 113:3

I have a food scale now

Saturday at church I got a couple of comments from the kids about how good I looked. :-D That felt good.

Today (Sunday) I got to work to find that Mom had sent me her old Weight Watchers scale to measure food portions. Some food has to be entered in my journal in ounces, and it's hard to guess. Since WW now uses the point system and she doesn't need the scale, I asked if she'd give it to me. It's old and grubby, but looks accurate and even has the feature to put a plate on it and zero it out. I put what I knew to be 2 ounces of cheese on it and it came up correctly.

weight stuff

Saturday at church I got a couple of comments from the kids about how good I looked. :-D That felt good.

Today I got to work to find that Mom had sent me her old Weight Watchers scale to measure food portions. Some food has to be entered in my journal in ounces, and it's hard to guess. Since WW now uses the point system and she doesn't need the scale, I asked if she'd give it to me. It's old and grubby, but looks acurate and even has the feature to put a plate on it and zero it out. I put what I knew to be 2 ounces of cheese on it and it came up correctly.

Halfway to goal

Woohoo! I'm halfway today! 26 pounds lost and 26 to go!!!!!! :-D

July 4th

Happy (belated) birthday, America!

The Write Stuff

Been working on outlining the five weeks of devotions that are due September 1. One week we are studying forgiveness and I found a couple Scriptures that I had never noticed before. They deal with forgiving and restoring an erring brother: Luke 17:1-5 and 2 Corinthians 2:5-11. In the first passage we see that failing to forgive an erring brother who asks for forgiveness can cause him to "stumble," and in the second we find that punishment should not be compounded by refusing to forgive the person and failing to offer "comfort." In other words - don't toss them out and refuse to accept an apology; doing so will harm the very person you are claiming to want to help. I love doing these assignments. I always learn something new!

It's been a bitch of a year all starting on January 1. I hope to spend New Year's Eve this year in San Francisco, happily and gratefully letting go of the hell that has been 2004. Halfway there! And may the next six months be better than the last six.

Oh yes, before I forget, I love my new full bed that Ellie and I picked out last Friday and was delivered last Sunday. Dad says he will pay for it. I have not had such a large bed since I was a child.

That Former Forum

The more time passes the more I am glad I was forced out. I hear stories filtering out and am just so glad that I am not forced to watch it all happen, unable to do anything. I am just too different from them.

Been praying about whether I should leave as mod of the depression forum to keep a repeat of this "former forum" from happening there, but I didn't have a peace about it, so for now I will stay. I wish I would have done the same then. I could have saved myself a lot of pain and feelings of violation. I let my desire for power and my desire to help others overcome my common sense.

God allowed me to be tried sorely, and allowed HER to whisper sweet nothings in my ear. They will never know how close I came to going back, and how it was God's hand that slapped HER down when I could take little more, to stay my hand from doing something I would regret. He let me be tried, but not beyond what I could handle - just to the edge. When I finally told God, from the heart, that I could not take much more, He stepped in. Good came out of this experience, though - I saw how much more powerful God is than HER. When I am tempted again, I will have something to make me stop and think.

So yes, Romans 8:28 has been at work, and God has managed to bring some small good out of the massive pain that could have destroyed me. I am still trying to forgive. So far all I can do is pray that I be forgiven for my unforgiveness. I know forgiveness would be true freedom; why can I not walk through that door? Untimate freedom will be when they are so far from my mind that they no longer merit any mention here. Lord, bring me to that place!

If I am such a bad judge of character, how can I be sure that anybody I allow myself to care about won't hurt me just as bad? Thank God for Brian, Christian Humor Refugee, especially the private folder I have access to, and my church.

Sutera

Well, she came back under name after name after name, that was easy to pick because she really people to know it's her. She's very bad at giving herself away like that. So Nancy imposed a 24 hour waiting period for new posters so we could pick off her nicks before she could post.

Sutera responded by coming in under completely different nicks to try to circumvent this. She came in posing as a person asking honest questions about ADs all the way up to pretending to be a gay man and calling me the old, trite "homophobic" names again. *sigh* This girl really needs a life. She's nearly as bad as R U S S, maybe worse, and that is quite an accomplishment. She's also far more dangerous than he could ever be.

Now the forum is private; you have to get an invite from Nancy to even read. She says if Sutera tries to get past this that she WILL report her to her ISP. Thus far it's quiet. She is hiding, waiting for the waters to calm. After all, she has been let in before; maybe Nancy will let her run amok again if some time passes. She will eventually come back. She is not one to ever give up.

Back on the Wagon

Fell off the wagon last weekend and went on a 36 hour carbo binge. It was good. :) Then I got serious on Monday and started eating low carb again. My highest day was Wednesday with 43 carbs. All other days were even lower. On Friday finally I got the ketone strips to change color! Yea!

The church potluck today was trying...we had BBQ chicken (the sauce was loaded with sugar), potato salad, a creamy coffee cake, and a wonderful layered banana desert. I didn't have even one bite of any of them. :-D

Been SO hungry this past week and easily getting 2,000 to nearly 2,800 calories a day (!). Hope that doesn't hinder my weight loss. This isn't like when I first went on Atkins when I wasn't hungry at all. Now I am ravenous and actually like the acceptable foods.

Still trying to get past the plateau. Been adding weights to my Curves routine, and trying to go an extra day per week, when I can (which isn't very often). Gained one pound this week back up to 187.5. When will I get below the magic 186 number?!?

Well, for July 4th we had LOTS of YUMMY carb stuff at church today. I didn't eat even one bite. No BBQ chicken (carbs in the sauce), no potato salad, no coffee cake desert, no banana cream stuff that I wanted to eat half of the whole thing.

I did okay. :)

Ketosis

Woohoo! I finally got the ketone strips to turn color this morning! Yes yes YES! I've been waiting all week! I'm officially burning fat.

Now off to weigh myself. I will be happy with anything under 186.

New bed!

Woo woo! My Dad paid for a new bed for me after my friend and I went bed shopping yesterday. I'm getting a FULL! No more twin! :) It will be delivered tomorrow morning. The new bed is super firm like a board, just the way I wanted it. :) I can't believe I got exactly the bed I wanted! :)

The old bed died in a 2-3 year period, and the springs were already poking out. This bed has a 10 year warrenty. Hopefully it is better quality.

Are you Calvinist or Arminian?

Here are links to a couple of online tests:

http://www.hereistand.net/Arminian%20test.htm

http://www.allthetests.com/quiz07/dasquiztd.php3?testid=1076416296

I scored a 22 on the first test, and also came out Arminian on the second. :-p

These tests are too black and white, not allowing for middle ground.

And oh yes, both these tests are biased toward the Calanist side, with "Calvanism" being the best answer.

Murphey's in town...

And he brought his darn law with him.

I'm having a bitch of a day. And I've even been a good girl and prayed before bed last night. But some days, it just don't pay to get out of bed the next morning.

So I got into the City to check my P.O. box and my checks arrived. As usual, they screwed them up. I have been with this bank for 10 years and in that time they got ONE check order correct the first time. ONE. Every other time has taken two tries. So I go to the local branch office and tell them I'm not happy. I ordered Humane Society checks, not something called, "Puppies, puppies, puppies!" because the HS checks weren't available. Fine. Then TELL ME, by phone or even mail if need be. Do NOT order something I did not ask for.

So I try to order special checks with a Message on them (I have to look at these checks everyday - I like to look at something asthetically [sp] pleasing). They say they can't do the Message from the branch office and that I need to call customer service. Great. Moreover, since the charge for the messed up checks hasn't been deducted from my account yet, I have to take the checks with me and return them after the charge comes through. And oh, you can't take the check catalog with you; write down the numbers of everything and give those numbers to customer service. So I leave with numbers scribbled on a piece of paper, and the messed up checks.

I'm so (NOT) amused at this point.

So off to work and put in a call to customer service, who tells me they COULD have done the whole thing at the bank; it just required a call to the check vendor. So *they* call the check vendor and after about 20 minutes of explaining what styles and numbers and special features and all that junk, I *think* they have the order correct.

I can see this is going to be a bad day, so I have no idea what possessed me to call my ISP. I already knew it would turn out bad.

I try to get Earthlink to tell me how to set up a newsgroup account and we go around and around in circles only to have them tell me that it won't work because I have to be connected from my home computer and the work computer...well, evidentally nothing I can do at work because I'm not connected to Earthlink here. And I have no interest in accessing from home. I come home to sleep for a few hours; I don't actually LIVE there. (*gasp* The very thought.)

Add to all this the ongoing problems with Sutera on the Depression board. She is honestly more persistent than R-u-s-s. The Guide has set a 24 hour waiting period for people to post. This will give us a chance to recognize her names (she usually uses similar names - she *wants* you to know it's her) and have the Guide (Nancy) gag them. I do not expect she will leave. She ALWAYS comes back. Her life's mission is to get everyone off anti-depressants. She hates me because 1) I'm the only person willing to oppose her, and 2) my good experience with meds threatens every belief she holds. For these reasons, she attacks me mercilessly. She's been banned over three different TIME PERIODS (two years ago, several weeks ago, and now) under over a dozen (maybe two dozen?) names. So no, she won't go away. I'm praying that God will *make* her go away, and I don't care how, as long as she doesn't spread her lies on the Depression forum.

I've tried to guide Nancy through forum moderation procedures, only to discover that About doesn't allow many moderating options. Delphi offers tons more than About does.

And, if all that wan't bad enough, by body has decided that it LIKES weighing 186 pounds, and therefore I haven't lost an ounce in 3 weeks now. I'll go up and down between 191 and 186, but never lower than 186. And I've stuck to my diet! How do I get off a plateau?!?!?

Life STINKS.

Why do I serve Him?

You know, that's what it always comes down to. I could talk about all the wonderful things He's given me, the unexpected blessings, etc. I could talk about last weeks' wonderful sermon and what I learned about God from it. I could rant about what He won't do for me or talk about feeling abandoned by Him, or unanswered prayer.
But that's all beside the point.

Why DO I serve Him?

Quite simply, I'm constrained to. Whenever I get to the point of wondering if I should follow, I recall Peter's words to Christ, "Where else can we go, Lord? Only you have the words of eternal life." That's why. I know I have nowhere else to turn, that my former gods aren't real and are certainly less powerful than Him. He may not always be the most loveable, but He's the only game in town, and I came take Him or leave Him.

In a sermon on the 1st of the 10 Commandments today, the pastor at City Church said something interesting. He said that suffering is where we discover what our true gods are. And he asked if we have ever had something happen where we wanted to walk away from Christianity. I had to nod. He said the thing that made me want to walk away is a god.

More compliments

I'm getting more compliments. A guy at work complimented me. He lost weight on Weight Watchers, but then went off the diet and gained it all back. He said I look good and was amazed at my weight loss. :-)

A couple Mexican guys at the mall complimented my hair and said, "Is it true that redheads have more fun?" My natural color is brown. I die it the brightest red I can find because it always fades quickly into something that looks natural.

Some people at Curves also complimented me that I am looking better. And I *do* feel better now that my endurance has increased and I'm not lugging around all those extra pounds. Still have 27 pounds to go to be in the normal weight range, but 23 down is an accomplishment. :)

Compliments left and right today. :)

This is just not my WEEK

Why does it seem that this is "beat up on Victoria week"? First the hell on Friday, then Sunday was just horrid. Church was great, but everything else went wrong. I decided to listen to my Walkman on my way to church, and the batteries died, and I had no spares. Then, while waiting for the bus to work later that day, I saw the bus drive over the overpass and completely *skip* the BART station where I was waiting! I saw him. If he had stopped I would have only been 5 minutes late, but because I had to wait for the next bus, I was 20 minutes late.

Then comes quitting time and no one shows up. I check the schedule and Neil is written in and then crossed out. I called the boss, waking him, and he said Neil was indeed scheduled. So I call Neil and tell him to get to work. So Neil gets here about 40 or so minutes late, and I miss my workout Monday because I had to sleep in from getting to bed so late.

Then a former employee comes strolling through where I work with a friend of his. He quit back in 1994 when Mr. Camping started making predictions of Jesus' return that consistently failed to happen. He asked me how I was dealing with the new "end of the church age" doctrine now, and I said I mostly tried to ignore it. And he simply HAD to go and make a statement about how HE wouldn't be wanting to help build Satan's kingdom on earth.

Good Lord, where do these people get off? I'm having a bad enough week without people *I don't even know* bashing my choices!

Aaarrrggghhh!!! Calgon, take me away before the men in white coats come to take me away. :-p

My pastor's daughter, take 4

Latest update. Aunt gets custody for the next four months, then another hearing.
Honestly, I don't feel anything good is going to come of this. I have never felt as hopeless about a situation before. This kid is going to have to really hit rock bottom before she's going to see anything, and I can only pray that she hits it fast and not too hard. I can really see her pregnant by the time she's 15 or 16, and hope it doesn't happen.

My pastor's daughter, take 3

Final hearing is this Tuesday. Chances are that legal custody will be transfered to Julia's birth mom's sister (her biological aunt) because she won't run away from there. (Duh...there's no discipline. What child wouldn't want that?)

Jack Hayford

Victoria's gone penny-costal. Well, sort of.

Pastors Phil, Steve, and Jeff who run the C&C Listserve (a mailing list for Christians and Pagans), were in San Francisco for a church convention. I have talked to them online, but wanted to see them in person since they were so close. I met them Friday afternoon for coffee, and as they were getting ready to leave for the last meeting (convention was over that night), they invited me to come if I wanted. I wanted to hang out with them longer, and it sounded interesting, so I said okay. Then they told me that Jack Hayford would be speaking. Gravy!

So here I was at the last night of a Foursquare church convention. It was cool. I could have done without the couple of times everybody broke out speaking in tongues, but the worship ROCKED, and it was cool to see Pastor Hayford live and in person, even though he looked like a dot on the platform. ;) There were live screens, so people in the back could see better.

Total unexpected blessing from God. Sometimes He can be okay. ;)

Ok, I'm still bitter

There have been some problems on the Depression board where I've taken a beating from two people who hate me, callme names, and just generally can't deal with the fact that medication might actually work for someone. *sigh*

Anyway, it's upset me a great deal and I didn't know why until I finally got down and dirty with God on Thursday night. The reason: I'm still upset over the EW incident. I wound up in tears begging God to help me forgive, asking Him why He can't do NOW what we studied in Sabbath School last week - Rev. 21-22.

Why am I writing this? I have no idea. Certainly nothing anyone can do.

My pastor's daughter, take 2

The latest news is that when/if my pastor's family is cleared of any/all charges, Julia still may not come back. She's 13 and will keep running away, so Family Services will probably place her wherever she wants to be, irregardless of her legal adoption by the Crouch's.

I really think this girl is going to have to hit rock bottom before she comes back up. Please pray that her "rock bottom" won't be too low, and that God will keep His hand on her and meet her when she is ready.

*sigh*

Just For Fun

And just for fun, a wacko site that purports to tell you all sorts of things about you just from your name:
http://www.kabalarians.com/cfm/your.cfm.

Description of Your First Name of: Victoria

The name of Victoria gives you a clever, quick, analytical mind, but you suffer with a great deal of self-consciousness, lack of confidence, and much aloneness because of misunderstandings. Your idealistic and sensitive nature gives you a deep appreciation for the finer things of life and a strong desire to be of service to humanity. There are times when you experience inner turbulence at your inability to say what you mean. It is far easier for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings through writing than verbally. You find pleasure in literature, in poetry, and in your ideals and will turn to them when you feel you have been misunderstood. You are deeply moved by the beauties of life, especially nature.

What Color is Your Energy?

Your Energy is Blue. You are a creative thinker with an active imagination. Artistic and talented, you want to reach the stars and bring them down to form. You are trustworthy, honest and reliable. Others feel comfortable in your presence as you project a non-threatening, serene energy. You would do well in any of the helping professions, as an artist, singer, diplomat, orater, or clergy member.

What color is your energy?
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Quizzes

You are Jocko Grinn. Quiet and thoughtful and afraid of large flesh-eating gastropods, you provide much of the wit and drive that has fueled the Brothers Grinn phenomenon. After pulling your brother's dead weight for so long, however, you are taking a break.

Which Grinn brother are you?
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September

Which month are you?
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Abby

Abby won't keep a collar on, so I had her vet microchip her. She won't get that off! Progress with her is slow but happening. When Eleanor came over a few weeks ago, Abby actually let her approach her and TOUCH her! That is the first time she has let anyone but me touch her. Also, the vet said she is young because her teeth are so clean. He said two years, but she was older than six months when I found her, so I think she is a little older. It's still good to have an idea how old she is.

Fitness and Meds

My weight continues to drop. I'm no longer clinically obese, just overweight. I was 186 at my last weigh-in. :) I hope I can lose some more before my body decides to hit a plateau.

I don't know if it's the Atkins, the Wellbutrin, or both, but I have so little of an appetite. I know Atkins is supposed to suppress your appetite. I often have trouble eating enough, and I am not getting nearly enough protein. To the naysayers at my church, I will soon be getting blood tests - a complete metabolic panel - repeat of the same a year and a half ago, and cholesterol. The last metabolic panel was good, and I expect this to be about the same, but I have never had my cholesterol checked. My doctor said Atkins should be a fine diet for me provided I don't use it as an excuse to eat lots of cheeseburgers. :)

The Wellbutrin is working fine. I had no side effects coming off the Zoloft - none at all! - and the only Wellbutrin side effect was the common hyperness for the first week. But since it's a twice a day pill, I just took it in the morning for the first week and had no trouble sleeping at night. I really thought the switch in meds would be rough, but I hardly felt a thing.

Aaaarrrggghhh!!!

God, what a couple weeks! Will it ever slow down?

May 16 was the Bay To Breakers race (page not finished yet). My official time was 1:56:34, and my actual time (from crossing the start line) was 1:54:41. I started off really well, jogging over a mile without slowing down to a walk, but I just pooped out. I think my low carb diet works well for my normal activity level, but is useless when excercising so much. I'll know better for next year.

I was supposed to be back at work the following Sunday (last Sunday), but I was sick. I actually missed church last Saturday because I was so tired. I was out from work Sunday and half of Wednesday this past week. I also had Thursday off as a sick day, but I was feeling better so I just took it as comp time.

As then my sister is in town this weekend. I spent 11 hours on Friday doing the "family thang" in the Sonoma wine country with Eleanor, April, and April's boyfriend Renato.

We visited three wineries for tastings. I learned the difference between red and white wine, and that the difference between champaigne and sparkling wine is something in the process of how it's made. April bought me a Gloria Ferrer sweatshirt from the first winery and I had my first wine filled chocolate. It was excellent.

At the second winery, Sebastiani, Eleanor bought me a bottle of Symphony, a desert wine. $15 a bottle! We also took part of the wine tour and learned about how wine is made.

At the third winery, Buena Vista, I had my first taste of Sherry. I have to say I was impressed with it.

April and Renato came over to see my apartment today and meet my cats, both of whom I got since the last time April and I saw each other. Hopefully that will be it for the weekend. This place was a mess, and though I hate working on Sabbath, I had to clean. At least the place looks better now.

We're Evil

And from Brian, this wonderful gem found on Christian Humor Refugee:

Let's face it; we're evil.

I was talking to someone yesterday who was fighting the fight and expressed discouragement because they're tired of being treated as if they were an "evil person".

Well, I thought about it, and I decided -- hey, why fight it? We ARE evil.

I mean, look at it from the world's point of view -- you've got these weirdos walking around who have made a covenant with this strange supernatural Power. This Power has declared itself at enmity with the world, sworn to destroy it and create a new world in it's place, populated only by its own creatures. Clearly an intolerant, imperialist bigot who can't accept differences or alternative lifestyles which the world in it's wisdom knows is just fine. Especially in what it demands from every human being, essentially, is "Surrender or Die."

A Power that means to destroy the world. Boy, that sounds evil, doesn't it? And these weirdos have WILLINGLY made a covenent, selling their souls in exchange for immortality. Sounds like some bunch of twisted vampires to me.

Every week -- or, among some, less often -- they re-enact a ritual which recalls some heinous act of blood sacrifice made in the distant past that started this bizarre cult. Not only that, but they continually wear around their necks replicas of the bloody bit of wood this grisly ritual was worked on, many with a man still writhing in pain on it. How morbid is that? Not only that, but all of them claim to be "indwelt" by some sinister force from beyond -- isn't that just a nice way of saying "possessed?" So whenever you run into these types, you have to remember they're not alone in there. Just who is it talking to you through that frame? Freaky.

Not only that, but this sinister Power has granted them strange supernatural abilities normal humans don't possess. They claim that they can call on Him, and that He will answer in power. There are all kinds of stories (and TV shows) bearing witness to these sinister abilities.

These cultists clearly pose a clear and present danger to the state. They must be disposed of.

----------

So yeah. From the world's point of view, we're evil. There's a REASON Christians in the First-Century were arrested (among other charges) for practicing magic (http://friarsminor.org/xvii5-2.html, http://www.catacombe.roma.it/en/ricerche/ricerca2.html -- which to the Romans meant accomplishing miracles and/or calling on supernatural powers outside the official approved state cults). We can tell them otherwise but let's face it -- we really ARE fundamentally at odds with the world. Our very existence is a denial of the values the world holds dear.

So the world will keep calling us evil.

Suits me. Evil Overlords have more fun anyway. [Picks up his black helmet and cape as the "Imperial March" swells in the background].

Three Quizzes

you are seagreen #2E8B57

Your dominant hues are cyan and green. Although you definately strive to be logical you care about people and know there's a time and place for thinking emotionally. Your head rules most things but your heart rules others, and getting them to meet in the middle takes a lot of your energy some days. Your saturation level is higher than average - You know what you want, but sometimes know not to tell everyone. You value accomplishments and know you can get the job done, so don't be afraid to run out and make things happen. Your outlook on life can be bright or dark, depending on the situation. You are flexible and see things objectively.

the spacefem.com html color quiz

Which Ringwraith are You?
By Lisa



Sam is the faithful servant of Frodo Baggins. He cares an awful lot about his master and would probably give his life for him. Though Sam meets many marvelous people as he journeys with Frodo, he still wishes he was back home in the Shire.

Take the "Which Hobbit are you?" quiz created by Cora Black!

I think Gollum fits me better. Sam is far too an awesome character for me.

No longer obese!

That's right. As of today I am finally below the magic number that makes me "obese." My BMI is 29.8 - 30 is obese, and my weight is now 190 - about 191-2 is obese for my height. Now I am merely "overweight."

Check out my graph here:
http://www.diet411.net/member.php?n=Newbirth

[does happy dance]

I have also lost half the weight I need to lose to get back to where I was before medication. I was a bit overweight even then, but I was okay with myself there. So...halfway to goal! :-)

About the March For (Some) Women's Lives

I was at a wine tasting/fund raising dinner on Saturday evening. Narsai David, old friend of my Dad's and local celebrity in this area was there, as was a family friend (who drove me), and another women seated at our end of the table. The subject of John Kerry came up, and they all agreed they would like to see Bush gone; the woman also mentioned she was at the March For Women's Lives in DC. As soon as I heard that, I thought about you and your name for it. I just sat there thinking, "How can they be so blind?" And yet, so was I at one time. All I could do was turn away and try to join another conversation because I was afraid of saying something that would make them all think me nutty. I knew anything I could say would only be counterproductive.

Yep, Dorothy, we ain't in Kansas anymore. Sometimes I really hate living here. There are so few of us conservatives that we really get drowned out.

At the race yesterday I saw soooooooooo many people carrying signs and wearing t-shirts that were either pro-Kerry or just simply anti-Bush. A lot of people were wearing t-shirts that said something like "Running for change." One woman had a hand-written sign pinned to the back of her t-shirt: "The only bush I trust is my own." In the whole race I saw ONE person - a middle aged man running with his wife - who wore a pro-Bush t-shirt. I made sure to compliment him on it as I jogged by.

I have to constantly remind myself that the whole country isn't like San Francisco because what I see around here every day is very depressing.

And now this new out of Massachusettes (sp). I tell you, signs of the end times....

Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

Book Quiz

You're Compassion Fatigue!
by Susan Moeller
You used to care, but now it's just getting too difficult. You cared about the plight of people in lands near and far, but now the media has bombarded you with images of suffering to the point that you just don't have the energy to go on. You've become cold and heartless, as though you'd lived in New York City for a year or so. But you stand as a serious example to all others that they should turn off their TV sets and start caring again.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Never heard of this book.

Two Quizzes

You are ... Victoria Shephard (NEWBIRTH)!

As everybody's favorite ex-pagan Antichrist head, God must have great things in store for you, 'cause he's been training you with every stress imaginable. Your blog reads like a bad adventure serial, with every episode ending with the heroine tied to the tracks, dangling from a cliff, or being lowered into a stew vat.(But never sitting in the basement browsing internet sites in her underwear.) You used to be a Witch, but you've been dry for many years now and haven't turned anyone into a toad since you broke up with your last boyfriend. It's HARD -- the craving to make the bozo who takes your seat on the bus hop around in a pond is nigh-impossible to resist -- BUT YOU WILL BE STRONG! *Poof* Oh, noooo .. I'm so sorry Greg, I really really didn't mean to do that... *Sob* You try so hard, you think you've got it under control and when you LEAST it expect it -- wham! This is why, although your friends love you dearly, they try not to get too close when you're in a bad mood. Witchcraft and PMS DO NOT MIX.

Which Head of the Multiheaded Antichrist are You?
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You're Vatican City!
You're pretty sure that you're infallible in all that you do or say, and it's hard to say whether you're right.  You have a lot of followers, most of whom will do whatever you say without question, or line up to see you ride around in your spiffy car.  Religious and reserved, you have some wisdom, but also a bit much contempt for everyone around you.  You're also fabulously wealthy, no matter what you say to the contrary.

Take the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

Beltane

What a weekend! At Nancy's behest, I locked "Sutera" out of the Depression forum under several names. Then she and Leslie started in on me for my sig quote: "Furthermore, you cannot preface a question to me with 'the Christian view of homosexuality aside...' If I lay aside my principles, I lay aside everything of value." -­Joe Turner on the Protestant Christianity forum, 6/14/02 They began a very effective campaign against me to label me a "homophobe" and a "bigot." Now everyone on the forum who isn't Christian (most everybody) thinks that I hate homosexuals. *sigh*

Brian pointed out to me something I hadn't put together. I know that today is my spiritual birthday, but its connection with Beltane went unnotticed. This could be a spiritual attack from Satan. It started April 30 and was mostly over by the night of May 2. A spiritual attack on one of my old sacred days makes a lot of sense. K and co. ruins my physical birthday in January, and now Leslie and Sutera manage to ruin my spiritual birthday. I'm 8 today. :(

It is also still going on. Nancy mostly supported me in her e-mail to me and the other mod. But she didn't say anything about it on the forum. So everyone thinks that Nancy was against me. It would be nice if she would have said what she did in the e-mail in the forum. But I cannot expect even that much support. I came across Psalm 59 on my way home. What a description of my life!

And I don't like God's way. I'm tired of turning the other cheek, gosh darn it. I want REVENGE. God is not fair. At least I know Wicca and the goddess are FAIR. So I'm being mean right now. I threatened to hurt myself (or worse), and not reading the replies to me under my primarly "Newbirth" name. I'm using "Brigid7" again. I hope that if they notice I am gone and not reading replies or posting, that they will get worried that I really did do something.

My pastor's daughter

Well, the hearing was this week and temporary custody was granted to Julia's Mom's sister. Now the Crouch's (my pastor's family) have legally adopted her, but she wants "freedom" instead of the rules my pastor's family enforces, so she ran back to her birth mom. Her birth mom is more than happy to cast a spanking as "child abuse." She will also acuse anyone she can of sexually molesting her daughter. For this reason, the church has worked hard to make sure that no adult male is ever alone with Julia. The mere admission that a male might have been alone with her would look very bad.

At any rate, now there will be an investigation. I only hope it is thorough so my pastor's family can be cleared. Please pray for protection of my pastor's family from false alegations, and that the real truth will come out. Pray that Julia come to her senses and realize that the Crouch's really do care for her. Pray that God hold and guide this child through the rough years that lie ahead.

I really do feel like God's hand is on her, but sometimes I am impatient in waiting for Him to do something. Julia is 13; it will only get worse from here. She is no longer a child, but going through the "terrible teens."

Prayer Request: Depression

It's been a rough weekend so I baked some Atkins cookies and am trying to curl up and lick my wounds.

1) We've had a troll at the Depression forum who keeps coming back with more and more names. The more I ban her (at the moderator's behest) the more she reregisters stirs up people against me. I think we are up to 6 names at last count.

2) Several people there are now accusing me of being "homophobic" and a "bigot." How many people here would say that against me? It was based on the signature I used to have. Anyone here think I'm "homophobic"?

3) The people at church STILL don't think that Atkins is healthy. The fact that I've lost 16 1/2 pounds means nothing. Jane has been a little nicer to me, but there are so many naysayers. I think I need to call my doctor and have my cholesterol and such checked. Doubt that will do any good, though.

*sigh* I would really like it if my spiritual family would SUPPORT me as I lose weight.

People who have their mind made up will not be swayed by any evidence to the contrary. Ironically, this applies to all three of my points.

Meds and Weight, take 2

Real quick update. First, I don't feel as bad as I thought I would with the change in meds. Yea!

Second, my size 16 Women's jeans are hecka loose. The size 16 Old Navy jeans fit perfect. I'm afraid to wear the size 20 black jeans that my Mom bought me; I'm afraid they'll fall down.

Third, walking up the hill to Sequoia church yesterday was easier than last month, which was easier than the month before. I don't get out of breath anymore! :)

Fourth, Brian pointed out to me that if I am being disciplined by God for what I did by being set in, as he put it, "time out," then it proves that I belong to God. I found that somewhat comforting.

Size 16!, take 2

I'm wearing size 16 jeans today, so I am doing good! The 18s are just too loose anymore. They look sloppy on me. So I'm down a size (or is that 2 sizes?)! I have a pair of brand new 14s in my closet. That is my ultimate goal - to get back to 14 since that is what I used to wear. Can't button them right now, but I will get there!

Meds and Weight

Well, the amount of Zoloft I take is down to 50mg now, and I'm up to the full doseage of Wellbutrin - 150mg twice a day. But I can feel my depression and anxiety beginning to return. I really hope the new med works, and soon.

I've lost 16 pounds now, another 3 last week. :) I use my FitDay journal to track my eating and my weight (food entries delayed one day - click the arrows to read previous entries), and Diet411 to track just my weight.

Finally a good day!

Started my night doses of Wellbutrin last night, no insomnia. Yea! Got up this morning, doing well on my diet again after last weekend's problems.

Got my body fat taken today at the fitness center - down another 2.3%. :) Had a good workout, felt much better than yesterday.

I'm nearly done with the "Glorious Appearing" book.

Stopped at the mall to buy some stuff at Safeway, saw a storewide sale at Mervyn's. Got a new pair of excercise pants, which I needed anyway, and two cute pairs of summer sandels for $15 apiece (not needed). ;)

Made it to work and discovered that my Lord of the Rings movie posters arrived! Yea! :)

Body fat down!

Body fat was taken today - 35.5%. My start was 37.8%, and last month was 37.2%. All I can say is Atkins works. I lost significantly more body fat the month on Atkins than the month before I started dieting.

Utter failure

Utter failure today. Breakfast no prob: Chocolate Royale Atkins shake - 2 carbs. The lunch potluck was a problem, with only four foods to choose from, three starchy, what could I do? There was brown rice (which I ate a lot of), and it was mixed with a cream soup and small pieces of chicken, and pot stickers (I had several), and spaghetti (I had none). All the drinks were sugary, so I had ice water. There were also green beans and I took way more than my portion. Dinner was at a buffet and I chose lots of meat, but a lot of it was basted in sugary sauces. I also had a few veggies, and a couple hot dogs smoothered with cheese sauce (no bun of course). Three glasses of diet Coke (I was very thirsty). No dessert. All in all, I must have eaten a couple HUNDRED carbs. :(

I feel TERRIBLE about myself! :-(

Starting new med

I started to wean off the Zoloft last night, and started the Wellbutrin SR this morning. I was on 200mg Zoloft (maximum dose), so I dropped it to 100mg (normal dose). Next I will drop it to 75mg by taking 100mg and 50mg capsules on alternating days. (They are capsules and so cannot be cut.) I know from experience that I'll be okay on 100mg; but drop me to 75mg and I have problems.

For the first week on Wellbutrin SR I am supposed to take 150mg once a day (in the morning since it can cause insomnia). Once my body adjusts to 150mg, I'll go up to a regular dose of 150mg twice a day.

Overall, I'm nervous about the change. I feel a bit jittery today, probably from the Wellbutrin, but overall I'm okay. The big test will be if I can get a decents night's sleep tonight.

Holy Week is the Week From Hell!

The week between Palm Sunday and Easter Sunday is always one of the busiest and most stressful of the year. This year - Monday was the mail run into the City, Tuesday was Curves, Wednesday was massage therapy, Thursday was Curves, Friday was Good Friday which meant a three hour service at St. Paul's, Saturday was my regular church in the morning and St. Cuthbert's at night for Easter Vigil, and Sunday was Easter Sunday services.

On Palm Sunday at St. Paul's they said they needed readers for the Good Friday service, so I asked if I could help and they said yes. I was the first reader in the second hour and the reading was Jeremiah 20:7-11. What that has to do with Good Friday I have no clue.

At St. Cuthbert's Easter Vigil service they asked for help with the "Intercessions,"which means reading given prayers. I volunteered for that. I like to help out.

Easter Sunday morning I was supposed to go to St. Paul's for services, but I got on the wrong bus. I took the 62 down to Lake Merritt BART, and had a 25-30 minute wait, and then was supposed to catch the 11. My mind was elsewhere and when another 62 came along before the 11, I got on it. This would have made me late for church, and missing the opening song would be terrible (it is always "Christ the Lord is Risen Today"), so I decided to go to City Church in San Francisco. I made it there with plenty of time to spare. My first Easter service there.

Janice was there so we got to catch up a bit after the service. (She was late and shuttled upstairs, but snuck downstairs during communion.) She said I looked different and I got to tell her about my excercise and weight loss. My first ever unsolicited compliment!

My new medication arrived yesterday. I am going to wait a few days until my stress reduces before I start. This is not a good time to be changing medications, especially one with a known side effect of anxiety. :-p

So, Holy Week was the week from hell. At least with Easter I feel closer to forgiving K and co. God has forgiven them, so really there's nothing I can do but get mad at God, and I know from experience how pointless that is.

First Unsolicited Compliment!

I got my first unsolicited compliment today!

It's Easter Sunday and I was planning on going to go to the Episcopal Church. I got on the wrong bus and would be late, but I still had time to make it to City Church (sort of my second home church - I'm not a member, but I love it), so I headed over there.

At the communion my friend came and sat next to me. She had come in late and was forced into the balcony, but communion provided enough people moving around for her to sneak downstairs and sit next to me.

After the service we talked because I haven't been to that church in about 2 months. She said I looked different! And then I told her I'd been working out and eating low carb.

That is the first time anyone has said anything to me about how I look without my bringing it up first!

Certainly good motivation to continue. :o)

She wanted me to come back to her house with her for lunch, and then to see The Passion, but alas, I had to work. :(

Oh yeah, I had a piece of cake yesterday. My pastor's family was throwing a birthday party for their youngest daughter (turned 11), and the cake was chocolate so I had one piece. I managed to stay away from the ice cream and jelly beans, though. :) And today at City Church they had so many muffins and cookies and such. I'm proud to say I didn't eat any! :-D

Size 16!

My size 16 shorts fit me this morning! Yea!

:-D

Insanity Central

Wednesday of Holy Week

So busy this week. Saturday night I forgot to set my clock forward, so when I woke up a half hour early (so I thought), I was actually a half hour late. I have never gotten dressed so fast. I need to take an earlier bus on Easter Sunday, because I was nearly late to Palm Sunday services.

I've forgotten how a large crowd sounds when singing. Saturday at church we did "All Glory, Laud, and Honor." Sunday we did the song at the Episcopal church (it's a Palm Sunday song - I did not know that!), and the sound just BLEW me away! A large number of people singing in comparison with our little crowd at church. WOW! What a difference.

At church on Sunday they announced that they still needed readers for the Good Friday service. I asked about being able to read, and they were very receptive. I'm going to be there anyway, so why not help out? I signed up to be the first reader in the second hour. :)

I have to get up early every day this week. Sunday I was up at 7:30 a.m. (8:30 by the new time). Monday I was up at 9:30 to run into the City. Tuesday I was up at 10:30 to work out at Curves before work. Today I was up at 8 to have a session of massage therapy before work (I should have scheduled it for some other week than this one). Tonight I have to do laundry because if I wait until Thursday, I won't get enough sleep Thursday night. Tomorrow I will be up at 10:30 for Curves again, and Friday I haven't figured out yet, but I have to be at the church by noon. Saturday I have to be up at 8 as usual for church, and Easter Sunday I need to be up between 7 and 8. I haven't had a sleep in day for over a week, and I'm already exhausted, with the busiest days of this insanity still ahead. :-p

Since eating low carb I've managed to lose more weight. Last week I lost 5 pounds! And when I went to counseling last Tuesday, climbing the hill to the church was a little easier than last month. I am definitely getting stronger!

Xena is two years old. Her (estimated) birthday was yesterday. How can she be two already? It was just yesterday that she was a 1 1/4 pound grey cottonball.

My doctor put me on Wellbutrin the last time I saw him. I am still waiting for the meds to arrive from Canada, but they should be here soon. He said I could start taking the Wellbutrin before weaning completely off the Zoloft. I'm nervous. I've never switched medication before. Wellbutrin is supposed to be good for a lower incidence of weight gain, which is why I asked for it, but it also doesn't touch seratonin in the brain, only norepinephrin and dopamine. I hope it works. If not, I'll have to try another SSRI.

I don't know the exact day she was born, so I just picked April 6th as a near approximation. I actually brought her home in mid-May, but I prefer to celebrate her birthday since I have a vague idea of when it falls. With Abby I have to celebrate the day I found her because I don't even know what YEAR she was born!

I took a couple pictures of Xena last night, but they are still on my camera. I won't be able to get them up until after Easter; this week is totally insane and I'm not getting enough sleep, much less have time for editing and uploading pictures.

At any rate, the little 1 1/4 pound grey cotton ball is all grown up and weighs over 10 1/2 pounds as of her last vet visit. She's not as social as I'd like - my fault for not socializing her as well as I should have when she was a kitten - but she's not afraid of humans; she simply doesn't like being held. She was so cute this morning as I was leaving for work. I had to pet her and kiss her. I can't believe she's already two! Where did the time go?

They Turned Off Our Water!, take 2

Now that I've had some time to process this, I realized I typed a bit too hastily in my rush to leave for work. I need to clarify what I wrote earlier today. The EBMUD guy actually dropped by our house looking for payment. This is for the December bill, mind you. I explained the owner was gone (Eden was also gone, probably at work). So he said he was turning off the water, and gave me the notice of doing so. I placed the notice on the kitchen table, along with my rent check, since April rent is coming due soon.

What I'm most mad about is a couple weeks ago Lou asked me for $250. In exchange, I'd be given 45 days to move out when I leave, instead of 30. He said he needed to pay the water bill or they would turn the water off. Well Lou, what did you do with that check, eh?

Ah well, I swore my next move would be to my own place. I'm tired of the roommate treadmill.

For now, I need to snag the two bottles of water in the kitchen before Lou remembers where they are. They were mine, and I'm going to take them back now. I can brush my teeth at work. Don't know what I'll do Friday, but Saturday I can brush them at church. Laundry I'll do at the laundromat again. If worse comes to worse, I can probably wash my hair in a sink here at work. Don't yet know what do to about the shower situation.

Ah well, another adventure on the path of life. LOL. I wonder if I'm doing something right and getting certain, er....things...pissed off at me. (c: