Asking "why" may be human, but it doesn’t make much sense anymore. It doesn’t even matter why, even though I know the reasons. This has been one of the worst years of my life—-right up there with the years I thought I had committed the unforgivable sin—-well, ok, a bit below that, but you get the idea.
I don’t want to write about this year. It’s all too fresh in my mind. How could God do this to me? How could He let this happen? How could He engineer it with full knowledge of the pain that lay ahead for me? But these are merely disguised "why" questions, and as I previously stated, the whys don’t matter. What matters is where I find myself and what my reaction will be.
For a long time God has been asking me to deal with some problems in my life, and for that long, I’ve refused. Keeping God at arm’s length and pretending the problems weren’t there was much easier. But He never allows situations like that to last, especially when they hinder our growth.
The foundations were laid late last year with a "chance" meeting on the Internet. I put that in quotes because God knew full well what He was doing. Once I had befriended that lady, He knew she would set in motion a chain of events that would leave me no recourse but to seek counsel. And so in March, with no other alternative and backed into a corner, I did.
And I prayed, prayed like I never have before, for direction, for help. In fact, I think I’ve prayed more this year than all the previous years combined. And I felt Him telling me to get counseling, and so I sought counseling, and in time, found my current counselor. It’s hard to talk about these things with him, much less on paper, so I am remaining general intentionally.
I am working through the problems. It will take time. It will be painful. I do not understand why God allows us to struggle with problems not of our making, but I understand that that will be my lot and the lot of every person alive until He makes all things new once and for all. We live in a sin cursed creation.
This year has been a dark night of the soul for me, one reason why I will be very glad when it is over. Bid farewell to the pain and step into a new year. Last year I looked forward to 2000 with promise and hope—what new things would this year bring? I had no idea of the pain and hurt and depression I would have to go through, and I was unprepared for answers to prayer that were other than what I wanted.
This will be remembered in my memory as the year when I prayed for healing of my mental health, prayed to be made normal, prayed for removal of my problem, and, even though I told God He would get all the glory if such a healing occurred, He said "no." To one of the most important prayers I have ever prayed. "No."
I have long suspected that there may be something wrong with me. My counselor says it is just "Boundaries" issues, but it must go deeper than that. Boundaries can’t hurt this bad. I have been feeling depressed and anxious from the counseling, as well as having many suicidal thoughts, and have had to resort to St. John’s Wort to deal with those.
I hate it. I hate it all. And I resent the hell out of God for putting me through this. I am reminded of a quote by St. Teresa of Avila that I have used often this year in e-mail and bulletin board signatures—-"Lord, if this is how You treat Your friends, no wonder You have so few."
I have freely admitted that likely nothing short of what He did would have moved me to action. He had tried everything else with no success. Though He is patient, He will chastise His children severely if other milder forms of correction don’t work. That’s what happened here.
Though Hebrews 12 says that discipline proves we are His children, let me tell you that is little consolation when the storm breaks fresh and heavy upon you and you are smothered under the weight. Let me tell you it’s little consolation even now, months later.
There is a part of me that is so angry and so scared that it wants to hurt Him, hurt Him as much as He has allowed me to be hurt. What kind of a Father stands idly by while His children suffer?
And yet, there are times when I can still believe God is good. As I write this first draft, it is Christmas Day, and I remember that today we celebrate a God who loved us so much that He became man to die the death that we deserve. He, the eternal God, put on a body—-a body He will always have, and that will bear the scars forever.
The dark night of the soul is still upon me. I see myself slowly descending into a valley. There is no moon, and I cannot see if this valley has an end. I know my Father led me here, but I am scared. The night is cold and dark and windy and just begun—-it is a long time until dawn.
Lord, keep me safe. This has been a hard year, and though I am angry at You and disappointed, I can see Your hand in this year—helping me to find a counselor, and answering my prayers, even if I didn’t like the answer. Please help 2001 to be better than this year has been. Please help me to grow closer to You through the difficulties that lie ahead. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
[Edit: This is no date on this, so I am just picking a date for it.]
Sunday, December 31, 2000
Tuesday, October 31, 2000
What Is Our Role?
[Note: Not sure exactly when this was written, but my file says the last update was Oct. 31, 2000, so I'll go with that.]
I’ve often wondered, what is my role as a woman in the Seventh Day Baptist church? What is my role in my local congregation, and in the denomination as a whole? What role does God want women to play in their churches?
The controversy over the ordination of woman is one that has touched most every Christian denomination, Catholic and Protestant alike. Ours is no exception.
Some people argue that since the Bible says "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28), that therefore women can be ordained and hold any position in the church that they so choose or that they feel God is calling them to.
Other people say that since the Bible says "But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet" (1 Timothy 2:12), that women should not be pastors or teachers, unless they are teaching other woman, or children.
How do we reconcile these seemingly contradictory verses to discover God’s will for us women?
First, let me say that there are many fine people on both sides of this issue, even right here in this denomination. I would not presume on any person’s salvation for not agreeing with my views because we are not saved by theology, but by faith. I do not wish to impugn or disparage those in our denomination who are woman pastors. I offer this article in Christian love, to give another perspective than that often espoused.
Certainly there are many times when woman have great privileges in the church. In the Old Testament Deborah was a prophetess and judge. She spoke for God to Israel, and showed great leadership qualities when it came to saving Israel from her oppressing Canaanite neighbors. Moses’ sister Miriam was a prophetess.
We also find prophetesses mentioned in the New Testament. In Acts 21:9 we find a Philip with "four virgin daughters who were prophetesses." And in Acts 2:36, as Jesus is being presented at the temple when He was eight days old, we find the prophetess Anna recognizing Him as the Messiah and proclaiming that in the temple. So woman obviously do have a role. The question exactly is, "What role?"
Let’s begin with Galatians 3:28. I contend that the meaning of this verse is not that woman can hold any office they want, but simply that all people can be forgiven in Christ, that there are no people that have more privileges than others before God. God does not play favorites.
The basic thrust is unity (1), that the Gospel is for all and all are saved on the same basis for the same purpose of service. We are one in Christ. The verse before this talks about how we are all baptized into Christ, and the verse after talks about how if we belong to Christ, we are Abraham’s descendants. It has nothing to do with women being pastors or teachers. To use this verse to prove that is nothing more than reading into the text what isn’t there.
Let’s move onto 1 Timothy 2:12. For the record it states, "But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet." First, this verse cannot mean that a woman is never to speak in church for 1 Corinthians 11:5 states that "every woman who has her head uncovered while praying or prophesying disgraces her head, for she is one and the same as the woman whose head is shaved." We can see from this verse that woman were allowed to pray and prophecy in the churches, which certainly involved public speaking!
First Timothy 2:12 states very clearly, in language that cannot be mistaken, that women cannot be pastors and teachers in the church, since she is not to exercise authority over a man and any woman preaching to the congregation is de facto head over every man there. Moreover, vv. 13-14 gives the reasons she should not teach or preach: Adam was created first and then Eve. If Paul had meant his admonition to only be applicable to a certain city or a certain time, he would not have traced his reason back to creation.
So there is a division of roles between the sexes in the church. Some positions are better held my men, and some by woman. As we saw in Galatians, no person is more important than any other person, and no role is more important than any other role. God has set the boundaries of what roles can be played by who, and we should abide by those if we call ourselves Christians. This raises the question, "If women cannot be pastors or teachers, what roles can they play?"
First, while a woman cannot be head over a man, she can certainly teach Sabbath School to the children (as indeed a mother would do with her children, instilling the love of God in them from a young age).
Secondly, there are many acts of service that she can do for the church. Perhaps she can set up the church for the services, or help out with the potluck or clean up after the service and fellowship are over. Maybe the church bulletin needs to be made and photocopied each week. Perhaps she can collect used clothes for poorer members of the congregation (see Acts 9:39 for another idea along these lines). There are any number of jobs around the church that she can help out with.
Third, and more pertinent to the more active role that many women wish to play in the church today, she can be a deaconess. Scholar Samuele Bacchiocchi has this to say about deaconesses. "Female deacons were needed in the early centuries when the sexes could not mingle freely. According to the Didascalia they performed a great variety of services in the care of women, including assistance at the baptism and burial of women, the catechizing of women and caring for sick women at home. They never functioned, however, as heads of the community, but served in a role auxiliary to that of the pastors, elders and bishops." (2)
Fourth and last, they can exercise a prophetic ministry, if God has given them that spiritual gift. This has nothing to do with showy sign-gifts and everything to do with "edification, encouragement, counseling and consolation. The chapter most descriptive of the prophetic ministry is found in 1 Corinthians 14. Here Paul explains that the person ‘who prophesies speaks to men for their upbuilding and encouragement and consolation. . . . He who prophesies edifies the church’ (1 Cor 14:3-4; cf. Acts 15:21)." (3)
So while it might be hard sometimes for us women to grapple with the question of our role in the body of Christ, the Bible gives us everything we need to know about what God says our role should be. I know I am only beginning to explore this subject, and only beginning to define the role I should play. But that’s okay. As a popular bumper sticker proclaims, "God ain’t finished with me yet!"
We should all pray, asking God to show us where He wants us and what we should do. We should all speak with love toward one another, not criticizing others for their differing views, but discussing with them. Above all, we should remember that we are all brothers and sisters in Christ, regardless of our feelings on this matter.
1 Text note on Gal. 3:28, New American Standard Study Bible (Grand Rapids, Michigan), pg. 1711.
2 Samuele Bacchiocchi, Woman in the Church (Chap. 2)
3 Ibid., Chap. 2
I’ve often wondered, what is my role as a woman in the Seventh Day Baptist church? What is my role in my local congregation, and in the denomination as a whole? What role does God want women to play in their churches?
The controversy over the ordination of woman is one that has touched most every Christian denomination, Catholic and Protestant alike. Ours is no exception.
Some people argue that since the Bible says "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28), that therefore women can be ordained and hold any position in the church that they so choose or that they feel God is calling them to.
Other people say that since the Bible says "But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet" (1 Timothy 2:12), that women should not be pastors or teachers, unless they are teaching other woman, or children.
How do we reconcile these seemingly contradictory verses to discover God’s will for us women?
First, let me say that there are many fine people on both sides of this issue, even right here in this denomination. I would not presume on any person’s salvation for not agreeing with my views because we are not saved by theology, but by faith. I do not wish to impugn or disparage those in our denomination who are woman pastors. I offer this article in Christian love, to give another perspective than that often espoused.
Certainly there are many times when woman have great privileges in the church. In the Old Testament Deborah was a prophetess and judge. She spoke for God to Israel, and showed great leadership qualities when it came to saving Israel from her oppressing Canaanite neighbors. Moses’ sister Miriam was a prophetess.
We also find prophetesses mentioned in the New Testament. In Acts 21:9 we find a Philip with "four virgin daughters who were prophetesses." And in Acts 2:36, as Jesus is being presented at the temple when He was eight days old, we find the prophetess Anna recognizing Him as the Messiah and proclaiming that in the temple. So woman obviously do have a role. The question exactly is, "What role?"
Let’s begin with Galatians 3:28. I contend that the meaning of this verse is not that woman can hold any office they want, but simply that all people can be forgiven in Christ, that there are no people that have more privileges than others before God. God does not play favorites.
The basic thrust is unity (1), that the Gospel is for all and all are saved on the same basis for the same purpose of service. We are one in Christ. The verse before this talks about how we are all baptized into Christ, and the verse after talks about how if we belong to Christ, we are Abraham’s descendants. It has nothing to do with women being pastors or teachers. To use this verse to prove that is nothing more than reading into the text what isn’t there.
Let’s move onto 1 Timothy 2:12. For the record it states, "But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet." First, this verse cannot mean that a woman is never to speak in church for 1 Corinthians 11:5 states that "every woman who has her head uncovered while praying or prophesying disgraces her head, for she is one and the same as the woman whose head is shaved." We can see from this verse that woman were allowed to pray and prophecy in the churches, which certainly involved public speaking!
First Timothy 2:12 states very clearly, in language that cannot be mistaken, that women cannot be pastors and teachers in the church, since she is not to exercise authority over a man and any woman preaching to the congregation is de facto head over every man there. Moreover, vv. 13-14 gives the reasons she should not teach or preach: Adam was created first and then Eve. If Paul had meant his admonition to only be applicable to a certain city or a certain time, he would not have traced his reason back to creation.
So there is a division of roles between the sexes in the church. Some positions are better held my men, and some by woman. As we saw in Galatians, no person is more important than any other person, and no role is more important than any other role. God has set the boundaries of what roles can be played by who, and we should abide by those if we call ourselves Christians. This raises the question, "If women cannot be pastors or teachers, what roles can they play?"
First, while a woman cannot be head over a man, she can certainly teach Sabbath School to the children (as indeed a mother would do with her children, instilling the love of God in them from a young age).
Secondly, there are many acts of service that she can do for the church. Perhaps she can set up the church for the services, or help out with the potluck or clean up after the service and fellowship are over. Maybe the church bulletin needs to be made and photocopied each week. Perhaps she can collect used clothes for poorer members of the congregation (see Acts 9:39 for another idea along these lines). There are any number of jobs around the church that she can help out with.
Third, and more pertinent to the more active role that many women wish to play in the church today, she can be a deaconess. Scholar Samuele Bacchiocchi has this to say about deaconesses. "Female deacons were needed in the early centuries when the sexes could not mingle freely. According to the Didascalia they performed a great variety of services in the care of women, including assistance at the baptism and burial of women, the catechizing of women and caring for sick women at home. They never functioned, however, as heads of the community, but served in a role auxiliary to that of the pastors, elders and bishops." (2)
Fourth and last, they can exercise a prophetic ministry, if God has given them that spiritual gift. This has nothing to do with showy sign-gifts and everything to do with "edification, encouragement, counseling and consolation. The chapter most descriptive of the prophetic ministry is found in 1 Corinthians 14. Here Paul explains that the person ‘who prophesies speaks to men for their upbuilding and encouragement and consolation. . . . He who prophesies edifies the church’ (1 Cor 14:3-4; cf. Acts 15:21)." (3)
So while it might be hard sometimes for us women to grapple with the question of our role in the body of Christ, the Bible gives us everything we need to know about what God says our role should be. I know I am only beginning to explore this subject, and only beginning to define the role I should play. But that’s okay. As a popular bumper sticker proclaims, "God ain’t finished with me yet!"
We should all pray, asking God to show us where He wants us and what we should do. We should all speak with love toward one another, not criticizing others for their differing views, but discussing with them. Above all, we should remember that we are all brothers and sisters in Christ, regardless of our feelings on this matter.
1 Text note on Gal. 3:28, New American Standard Study Bible (Grand Rapids, Michigan), pg. 1711.
2 Samuele Bacchiocchi, Woman in the Church (Chap. 2)
3 Ibid., Chap. 2
Wednesday, June 28, 2000
Letter to ABC News about "The Search For Jesus"
Dear Mr. Westin [Note: David Westin, President, ABC News],
I was appalled by the recent TV "news" program The Search For Jesus. It was some of the most irresponsible journalism I have ever seen in my life. I was a journalism major in college and any amateur can tell you that a responsible journalist gets all sides of a story. Instead, Peter Jennings highlighted three leaders of the Jesus Seminar, as well as other liberal scholars, and presented them as if they were the majority consensus opinion. The Jesus Seminar is hardly representative of serious scholarship. One person, and only one, came forward with a conservative view, and he was given less airtime than anyone else. I also came away with the feeling that he was included almost as an afterthought, as if the producers said, "Well, we have to include one conservative in the program."
This was indeed a sad day for journalism. Peter Jennings said things such as "Scholars say..." instead of "Some scholars say..." and then gave some liberal interpretation of the text, leaving viewers with the clear impression that nobody really believes the account of Jesus in the Bible anymore. What was Peter Jennings trying to do here, serious journalism, or presenting only one, very biased point of view? From what I could see, he had no intention of getting both sides of the story. And that takes The Search For Jesus out of the realm of journalism, for no serious journalist gets only one side of a story and then presents it as the only side.
ABC did such a wonderful job with The Miracle Maker this past Easter. What happened?
Sincerely,
Victoria Shephard
I was appalled by the recent TV "news" program The Search For Jesus. It was some of the most irresponsible journalism I have ever seen in my life. I was a journalism major in college and any amateur can tell you that a responsible journalist gets all sides of a story. Instead, Peter Jennings highlighted three leaders of the Jesus Seminar, as well as other liberal scholars, and presented them as if they were the majority consensus opinion. The Jesus Seminar is hardly representative of serious scholarship. One person, and only one, came forward with a conservative view, and he was given less airtime than anyone else. I also came away with the feeling that he was included almost as an afterthought, as if the producers said, "Well, we have to include one conservative in the program."
This was indeed a sad day for journalism. Peter Jennings said things such as "Scholars say..." instead of "Some scholars say..." and then gave some liberal interpretation of the text, leaving viewers with the clear impression that nobody really believes the account of Jesus in the Bible anymore. What was Peter Jennings trying to do here, serious journalism, or presenting only one, very biased point of view? From what I could see, he had no intention of getting both sides of the story. And that takes The Search For Jesus out of the realm of journalism, for no serious journalist gets only one side of a story and then presents it as the only side.
ABC did such a wonderful job with The Miracle Maker this past Easter. What happened?
Sincerely,
Victoria Shephard
Thursday, January 13, 2000
poem: Mourning My Virginity
Mourning My Virginity
A Promise Ring,
With many promises besides,
That you loved me,
Thought I was beautiful, sexy.
You made me feel worthy, lovable,
That my pitiful life was worth something.
It was beautiful, what we shared.
A Camelot that lasted so many months -
And then was gone.
You weren't ready, you said,
And I wondered about all your promises of "us" -
YOU LIED!
You walked away, turned off your love,
And left me with a broken heart.
I will never trust another man again
When even those who talk marriage back off.
I will remain single forever,
Mourning my virginity.
A Promise Ring,
With many promises besides,
That you loved me,
Thought I was beautiful, sexy.
You made me feel worthy, lovable,
That my pitiful life was worth something.
It was beautiful, what we shared.
A Camelot that lasted so many months -
And then was gone.
You weren't ready, you said,
And I wondered about all your promises of "us" -
YOU LIED!
You walked away, turned off your love,
And left me with a broken heart.
I will never trust another man again
When even those who talk marriage back off.
I will remain single forever,
Mourning my virginity.
Tuesday, December 28, 1999
A Look Back at 1999: Field of (Broken) Dreams
In grade school I used to think about how old I would be when the millennium turned and I figured I’d be 28 going on 29. Now that time is here. Where have the years gone? I can now easily remember events that took place two decade—decades—ago. But I am here to focus on this last year, not the last 28. I’m doing this without the benefit of going through my journals from the past year, simply because I don’t feel like going through the trouble. So what is written here represents the things that stick out in my own memory.
In contrast to all my past essays—whose very titles always included the word change—this year had remarkably little change. There was a move, to be sure, but the stability that marked this year was unusual. For example, I held the same job all year, at Family Radio.
Speaking of Family Radio, I can’t be sure exactly when I became aware of how much the Statement of Belief issued by Family Radio in the fall of 1998 would effect me. It was either December of 1998 or January of 1999. The late date of all the changes that occurred caused me to say little about this in my essay last year. But there came that time in one of those months where I knew that I would have to sign to be a producer. And I chose not to. That led to me staying on in Network Control, eventually getting the full time overnight shift in the summer of this year. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
In the spring I was kicked out of the place I was living with the lesbian woman. Even though I was only looking for places to sublet in San Francisco, I found a place to live in Oakland. This was difficult for me because I wanted to live in the City so bad. So this was in many ways the end of a dream.
Come to think of it, I gave up a lot of dreams this year. I gave up my dream of being a producer, for either shortwave or domestic (this could have been December, but I’ll not nit-pick). I gave up my dream of being in the City. And I gave up the perfect swing shift offered to me.
It happened like this. In the summer I was moved to the swing shift just in time for Don, who worked the overnight shift, to quit. They moved me to his shift until they could permanently fill it. Right at this point, out of the blue, an idea, a question, that had been percolating in the back of my mind for a long time, came to the fore. I had to know what day of rest the Christian was commanded to keep. I knew that Pastor Innes taught rest on Sundays, and many church members tried to do just that. I had, in fact, been keeping a "Sunday Sabbath" for quite a while, and found it a great time management technique for someone overwhelmed with work and school.
Now I began my search in earnest. I read everything I could get my hands on, and asked lots of questions. I talked to Pastor Sneedin. I did Internet searches. And I finally visited the Bay Area Seventh Day Baptist Church, something I had been meaning to do for a long time and just had "never gotten around to." The pastor there, Pastor Steve, gave me Samuele Bacchiocchi’s book From Sabbath To Sunday. I spent many nights at work pouring over that book and contemplating its message.
Time was short. I had to make a decision, at least a preliminary one, before someone was hired or I would have to work Saturdays. (The shift I had been offered was swing, Tuesday-Saturday.) When I was more sure than not sure, I asked first that when I went to the swing shift, that I be given Friday and Saturday as my days off instead of Sunday and Monday. They said they could not accommodate me. I then asked to be kept on the overnight shift. (This shift was Sunday-Thursday night so it gave me the Sabbath off.) They said they had already hired someone and as soon as his training was complete, I would be transferred to swing. I was told this person could not work swing. That ruined the backup plan I had.
I spent many nights at work crying and praying that things would work out so I could keep the Sabbath. I felt God telling me to sit tight and wait for him. Less than a week before I was to start working Sabbaths, the news came: the guy they hired had not worked out and I could keep the overnight shift if I wanted. I was overjoyed! Though I do not like this shift, I feel it is God’s will for me at this time. That makes it a little easier.
Additionally, since the time I started working at Family Radio I have been moved from one department to another. This move to the graveyard shift marked my first permanent full-time shift in one department. I am grateful for that stability. (Last year I worked full time between two departments, three days a week for Karen, and two nights a week in Network Control. That lasted 8-9 months. This year I worked full time day shift in Network Control, but that was always understood to be temporary.)
Between my work schedule (8-9 months of working Friday and Saturday overnights, leaving me exhausted on Sunday), and people getting married, plus a dearth of pastors at Hamilton leading to a dearth of church-based programs, all added up to a big lack of fellowship. While I loved my church, while a part of me felt I should remain loyal, the need in my soul said otherwise. I wanted out.
I left at a time when two new pastors were just coming on staff and getting to know "the ropes." I left at a time, when, if I would have stayed just a little longer, I may have found a reason to stay. But the damage had already been done. I wanted out and the only thing that remained was to find the way.
I left for six weeks, visiting other area churches, looking for one to join. I thought God was calling me back to Hamilton, so in obedience I went back—for two weeks. That was about the time the SDBs entered the picture, and I left (for what turned out to be) for good. I did not leave over the Sabbath issue; I left over fellowship issues. My needs simply weren’t being met anymore. That may seem selfish. I defend it as self-preservation.
Since the time I began attending the SDB church, I have not left. There was a short transition period of about two weeks, but I was looking for a way out of Hamilton, and this provided that out. I dropped membership at Hamilton in August, and joined the SDB church in September. They are a small church and so the fellowship is wonderful.
I guess a wrap-up of this year wouldn’t be complete without mentioning Mike in passing. I really thought I was in love—actually, yes, I was—and I don’t know what fell apart or why. He only said that we had our issues to work on, and they needed to be worked on separately. He naively said he wanted to just be “friends.” I know that never works out and rejected that. That was early December and we have not spoken since. This is the first time I’ve "dated" (even if it was long distance—we met on the Internet) since I was saved. It is hard to have your heart broken. How do you forgive a brother in Christ for something like that? I dreamed of him being my husband. Now that dream, too, is gone.
After that lowlight of the year, perhaps I should mention the highlight: Charles’ visit in September, and his short layover at the airport two weeks later in October. He was here on business in September and spent a few days here. We got to spend real, good quality time together, the first and likely last time that will happen. But it filled a long-standing desire within me, the desire to spend some time with the dear man who led me to Christ. We spent lots of time talking and one day gallivanting around the City. I came away from that feeling satisfied. God has been gracious to me to give me that time with him, something so long desired, so long denied.
So here I stand wondering where the year went. It always seems so short by the time December comes. And I am also at the edge of a new millennium. What will the millennium bring? If the last year of the old millennium was marked by a lack of change, what of the new year, and—where I will spend the rest of my life—the new millennium? I am aware of the blessing of being alive at this time to see this new millennium come. And I know that whatever happens, whether there is much change or little in 2000, God will be with me through it all.
In contrast to all my past essays—whose very titles always included the word change—this year had remarkably little change. There was a move, to be sure, but the stability that marked this year was unusual. For example, I held the same job all year, at Family Radio.
Speaking of Family Radio, I can’t be sure exactly when I became aware of how much the Statement of Belief issued by Family Radio in the fall of 1998 would effect me. It was either December of 1998 or January of 1999. The late date of all the changes that occurred caused me to say little about this in my essay last year. But there came that time in one of those months where I knew that I would have to sign to be a producer. And I chose not to. That led to me staying on in Network Control, eventually getting the full time overnight shift in the summer of this year. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
In the spring I was kicked out of the place I was living with the lesbian woman. Even though I was only looking for places to sublet in San Francisco, I found a place to live in Oakland. This was difficult for me because I wanted to live in the City so bad. So this was in many ways the end of a dream.
Come to think of it, I gave up a lot of dreams this year. I gave up my dream of being a producer, for either shortwave or domestic (this could have been December, but I’ll not nit-pick). I gave up my dream of being in the City. And I gave up the perfect swing shift offered to me.
It happened like this. In the summer I was moved to the swing shift just in time for Don, who worked the overnight shift, to quit. They moved me to his shift until they could permanently fill it. Right at this point, out of the blue, an idea, a question, that had been percolating in the back of my mind for a long time, came to the fore. I had to know what day of rest the Christian was commanded to keep. I knew that Pastor Innes taught rest on Sundays, and many church members tried to do just that. I had, in fact, been keeping a "Sunday Sabbath" for quite a while, and found it a great time management technique for someone overwhelmed with work and school.
Now I began my search in earnest. I read everything I could get my hands on, and asked lots of questions. I talked to Pastor Sneedin. I did Internet searches. And I finally visited the Bay Area Seventh Day Baptist Church, something I had been meaning to do for a long time and just had "never gotten around to." The pastor there, Pastor Steve, gave me Samuele Bacchiocchi’s book From Sabbath To Sunday. I spent many nights at work pouring over that book and contemplating its message.
Time was short. I had to make a decision, at least a preliminary one, before someone was hired or I would have to work Saturdays. (The shift I had been offered was swing, Tuesday-Saturday.) When I was more sure than not sure, I asked first that when I went to the swing shift, that I be given Friday and Saturday as my days off instead of Sunday and Monday. They said they could not accommodate me. I then asked to be kept on the overnight shift. (This shift was Sunday-Thursday night so it gave me the Sabbath off.) They said they had already hired someone and as soon as his training was complete, I would be transferred to swing. I was told this person could not work swing. That ruined the backup plan I had.
I spent many nights at work crying and praying that things would work out so I could keep the Sabbath. I felt God telling me to sit tight and wait for him. Less than a week before I was to start working Sabbaths, the news came: the guy they hired had not worked out and I could keep the overnight shift if I wanted. I was overjoyed! Though I do not like this shift, I feel it is God’s will for me at this time. That makes it a little easier.
Additionally, since the time I started working at Family Radio I have been moved from one department to another. This move to the graveyard shift marked my first permanent full-time shift in one department. I am grateful for that stability. (Last year I worked full time between two departments, three days a week for Karen, and two nights a week in Network Control. That lasted 8-9 months. This year I worked full time day shift in Network Control, but that was always understood to be temporary.)
Between my work schedule (8-9 months of working Friday and Saturday overnights, leaving me exhausted on Sunday), and people getting married, plus a dearth of pastors at Hamilton leading to a dearth of church-based programs, all added up to a big lack of fellowship. While I loved my church, while a part of me felt I should remain loyal, the need in my soul said otherwise. I wanted out.
I left at a time when two new pastors were just coming on staff and getting to know "the ropes." I left at a time, when, if I would have stayed just a little longer, I may have found a reason to stay. But the damage had already been done. I wanted out and the only thing that remained was to find the way.
I left for six weeks, visiting other area churches, looking for one to join. I thought God was calling me back to Hamilton, so in obedience I went back—for two weeks. That was about the time the SDBs entered the picture, and I left (for what turned out to be) for good. I did not leave over the Sabbath issue; I left over fellowship issues. My needs simply weren’t being met anymore. That may seem selfish. I defend it as self-preservation.
Since the time I began attending the SDB church, I have not left. There was a short transition period of about two weeks, but I was looking for a way out of Hamilton, and this provided that out. I dropped membership at Hamilton in August, and joined the SDB church in September. They are a small church and so the fellowship is wonderful.
I guess a wrap-up of this year wouldn’t be complete without mentioning Mike in passing. I really thought I was in love—actually, yes, I was—and I don’t know what fell apart or why. He only said that we had our issues to work on, and they needed to be worked on separately. He naively said he wanted to just be “friends.” I know that never works out and rejected that. That was early December and we have not spoken since. This is the first time I’ve "dated" (even if it was long distance—we met on the Internet) since I was saved. It is hard to have your heart broken. How do you forgive a brother in Christ for something like that? I dreamed of him being my husband. Now that dream, too, is gone.
After that lowlight of the year, perhaps I should mention the highlight: Charles’ visit in September, and his short layover at the airport two weeks later in October. He was here on business in September and spent a few days here. We got to spend real, good quality time together, the first and likely last time that will happen. But it filled a long-standing desire within me, the desire to spend some time with the dear man who led me to Christ. We spent lots of time talking and one day gallivanting around the City. I came away from that feeling satisfied. God has been gracious to me to give me that time with him, something so long desired, so long denied.
So here I stand wondering where the year went. It always seems so short by the time December comes. And I am also at the edge of a new millennium. What will the millennium bring? If the last year of the old millennium was marked by a lack of change, what of the new year, and—where I will spend the rest of my life—the new millennium? I am aware of the blessing of being alive at this time to see this new millennium come. And I know that whatever happens, whether there is much change or little in 2000, God will be with me through it all.
Tuesday, June 15, 1999
"Sabbath" & "week"
My friend Joe T. wrote to Dr. Erwin Gane on my behalf in June of 1999. Here is the letter he sent, giving my question and its background.
Mr. Gane,
My name is Joe (deleted). I am a member of the (church name deleted). We met last time you spoke there. I had asked you some questions in regards to Greek and Hebrew and Bible translations.
I have a friend of mine who works for Family Radio. She is struggling with the Sabbath issue. She seems to be leaning towards the seventh day, but has been given information by her co-workers and Mr. Camping’s theology that the following verses she that God changed the Sabbath. They says the Greek translates the true meaning and modern Bibles do not. What do you think of this? What does the Greek say in those verses? I am going to forward this to her ASAP once you have written back.
I appreciate your time with this. I really enjoy when you come to speak at our church. Below are the verses. I do not believe this to be correct. Can you give us input? Anything to help my friend. I know no Greek or Hebrew.
God’s peace to you and your family,
Joe (last name deleted)
Joe continues:
How can Mr. Camping say these are proof texts to change the Sabbath by God?
Matthew 28:1 – Which they say should correctly be translated, “In the end of the Sabbaths (plural) as it began to dawn toward the first of the Sabbaths (instead of “week”), came Mary Magdalene…” They say the word for “Sabbaths” is the same as the word translated “week.”
The other verse references they cite are Mark 16:1-2, Luke 24:1, and John 20:1, which they also cite as being incorrectly translated in the same way.
-------------------------
I received the following e-mail from Joe with Dr. Gane’s response.
Matthew 28:1, “the first day of the week.”
Sabbaton occurs in the New Testament sixty-eight times, and is translated “Sabbath” fifty-nine times, and “week” nine times. These nine references are Matthew 28:1; Mark 16:2; Luke 18:12, 24:1; John 20:1, 19; Acts 20:7; 1 Cor. 16:2.
All Greek scholars, Jewish and Christian, are in agreement as to the correctness of translating sabbaton by “week.” The following authoritative statements are typical:
“WEEK (Hebrew shabua, plural shabu’im, shabu’ot;…New Testament Greek, sabbaton, sabbata: A division of time comprising seven days, thus explaining the Hebrew name.” --The Jewish Encyclopedia, vol. 12, p. 481, art. “Week.”
“The expression hebdomas [a Greek word for ‘week’] is not found in the New Testament, but rather sabbaton (e.g. Luke 18:12) or sabbata (e.g. Matthew 28:1), used, however, in the sense of it.” --Schaff-Herzog Encyclopedia of Religious Knowledge (ed. 1891), vol. 4, p. 2484, art. “Week.”
“Of the two Hebrew names for “week” one is derived from the number seven, and the other is identical with ‘Sabbath,’ the day which completes the Jewish week. The New Testament takes over the latter word, and makes a Greek noun of it.” --Hastings’ Bible Dictionary (ed. 1924), p. 936, art. “Time.”
“The Hebrew shabhua, used in the Old Testament for ‘week,’ is derived from shebha, the word for ‘seven.’ As the seventh day was a day of rest or Sabbath (Hebrew shabbath), this word came to be used for “week,” as appears in the New Testament. (sabbaton, -ta), indicating the period from Sabbath to Sabbath (Matt. 28:1). The same usage is implied in the Old Testament (Lev. 23:15; 25:8).” --The International Standard Bible Encyclopedia (ed. 1915), vol. 5, p. 2982, art. “Time.”
“The plural sabbata…means a week as well as a Sabbath or Sabbaths. (comp. Mark 16:2; Luke 24:1; John 20:1, 19; and Matt. 28:1)…Sabbata in the second clause [of Matthew 28:1] certainly means ‘week’ and not the Sabbath day.” --John Peter Lange, “A Commentary on the Holy Scriptures,” translated by Philip Shaff, comments on Matthew 28:1.
In Luke 18:12 sabbaton must be translated “week” in order to make sense. The Pharisee prayed, “I fast twice in the week [sabbatou].” It would have been foolish for him to say that he fasted twice on the Sabbath. The text makes sense only when sabbatou is translated “week.”
Some have tried to argue that Luke 18:12 should read, “I fast two Sabbaths,” that is, two of the fixed Sabbaths in the year. But the Greek will not permit this. The word dis, translated “twice,” is an adverb, and cannot be properly be translated “two.” In this text, the word sabbatou, translated “week,” is in the singular number, which is never translated by the plural form “Sabbaths” in our English Bible.
Some argue that the Greek word for “day” is not found in the phrase “first day of the week.” The Greek phrase in Matthew 28:1 is mian sabbaton. As far back as 1899 a scholarly Sundaykeeper exploded that argument: “No Greek word for ‘day’ occurs in any of the passages [that is, in Matt. 28:1 and parallel passages]. Made for simple readers of English, that statement lacks candor. Said word is there, latent, to a much greater degree than it is in our phrase, ‘The twenty-fifth of the month.’…The adjectival word mian is in the feminine gender, and an immutable law requires adjective modifiers to agree with their nouns in gender. Sabbaton is of the neuter gender, and out of the question. What feminine Greek word is latent in this phrase, and yet so patent as to reflect upon this adjectival numeral its feminine hue? Plainly the feminine word hemera, ‘day,’ as analogously is found in Mark 14:12, prote hemera ton azumon, ‘the first day of unleavened bread.’ Boldly to aver that ‘no Greek word for “day” occurs in any of these passages,’ is to blind the simple English reader to the fact that an inflected language, by its numerous genders and cases, can indicate the presence and force of latent words to an extent undreamed of in English…
“As a vital or corroboratory part of any argument for the sanctifying of the Lord’s day. This travestied exegesis, instead of being a monumental discovery, is but a monumental blunder. Thereby our foes will have us in derision.” --Dr. Wilbur Fletcher Steele, “Must Syntax Die That the Sabbath May Live?” in the Methodist Review (New York), May-June, 1899.
Prof. A.T. Robertson, D.D., one of the most eminent of modern Greek scholars, completely supports the view that sabbaton is correctly translated “week.” “Now about the case of sabbaton in the New Testament. It is the singular, the transliteration of the Hebrew word Sabbath, which was used for the seventh day of the week, as in John 5:9. The plural sabbata, is a transliteration of the Aramaic sabbatha.
“Curiously enough, the Jews used the plural form in two ways, one way was for a single Sabbath, like the singular sabbaton. So in Josephus…Precisely this usage occurs in the New Testament, as in Luke 4:16, ‘on the Sabbath day,’…
“But the word sabbaton, in the singular, was used also for the week which began [ended: Robertson made this correction in the Expositor, October, 1931.] with the Sabbath. So in Mark 16:9, we have proi prote sabbatou, ‘early on the first day of the week.’ Here proi is an adverb, but prote is a feminine adjective, locative, singular, agreeing with hemera (day) understood, while sabbatou is neuter gender, genitive, singular, so that it is impossible to render this ‘early on the first Sabbath.’ See also Luke 18:12.
“But the plural sabbata is also used for week, as in Luke 24:1. In the preceding verse the singular occurs, to sabbaton, ‘they spent the Sabbath’ the verse next words in verse 1 are te de mia ton sabbaton, ‘on the first day of the week.” There we have mia used as an ordinal like prote, as is common in Koine. The same use of both mia for ‘first’ and the plural sabbaton for ‘week,’ we find in Matthew 28:1; Mark 16:2; John 20:1, 19; Acts 20:7.” --The Expositor, August 1931. [Note: Sabbaton, using an omicron is singular. Sabbaton using an omega is plural.]
The translations of the Bible into the English of the King James Version and the more modern versions have been done by eminent Greek scholars. No reputable Greek scholar will translate Matthew 28:1 by “the first of the Sabbaths,” or “one of the Sabbaths.” For a discussion of the Sabbath question, see my book “You Ask, God Answers.”
Wednesday, March 03, 1999
poem: Holy Saturday
3/3/99
Holy Saturday (that's the day before Easter Sunday for those who don't know)
Untitled
Camelot evaporates,
Like sun-warmed mist and dew
It disappears.
How am I to understand the pain,
How am I to comprehend it?
How am I to find my place in this world?
I groan, eager for the redemption.
But it is Easter Saturday, and the resurrection has not yet come.
We have only a promise, for
We live out our lives on Saturday.
Holy Saturday (that's the day before Easter Sunday for those who don't know)
Untitled
Camelot evaporates,
Like sun-warmed mist and dew
It disappears.
How am I to understand the pain,
How am I to comprehend it?
How am I to find my place in this world?
I groan, eager for the redemption.
But it is Easter Saturday, and the resurrection has not yet come.
We have only a promise, for
We live out our lives on Saturday.
Thursday, January 21, 1999
poem: Soft Butterfly
{Later note: I work for a Christian employer. I wrote this during a particularly hard time at work last winter, my first real experience of seeing how badly Christians could hurt other Christians, whether or not they meant to. The witch hunt against Catholics, Adventists, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, and others touched everybody in one way or another. It was only by the grace of God my job was spared. This was a time of testing for me as I was confronted with hard choices of God and career and faith. I can see God's hand protecting me every step of the way. Sometimes He allows things to happen that are not His perfect will, but He will walk beside us. "I will never leave you nor forsake you." I praise Him for this promise.}
Soft Butterfly
Darkness flutters down landing
Soft on my shoulders,
Weighing like brick, crushing.
Anger rises to meet the darkness,
Fear swells.
I let it wash over me,
Exulting in merely being.
It covers, smothers, passes.
I cry,
Standing alone in my conviction, alone in my pain.
I thought there were no more tears--
I was wrong.
I thought my own brothers and sisters would not hurt me--
I was a fool.
We pay a price when we trust in circumstances
Instead of in God,
In others
Instead of in Christ,
In ourselves
Instead of in the Spirit.
Heal the pain, oh great Jehovah!
Give me peace
And teach me to forgive
As I have been forgiven, for
Darkness has fluttered down landing
Soft on my shoulders.
Soft Butterfly
Darkness flutters down landing
Soft on my shoulders,
Weighing like brick, crushing.
Anger rises to meet the darkness,
Fear swells.
I let it wash over me,
Exulting in merely being.
It covers, smothers, passes.
I cry,
Standing alone in my conviction, alone in my pain.
I thought there were no more tears--
I was wrong.
I thought my own brothers and sisters would not hurt me--
I was a fool.
We pay a price when we trust in circumstances
Instead of in God,
In others
Instead of in Christ,
In ourselves
Instead of in the Spirit.
Heal the pain, oh great Jehovah!
Give me peace
And teach me to forgive
As I have been forgiven, for
Darkness has fluttered down landing
Soft on my shoulders.
Saturday, December 05, 1998
poem: Paper Swords
{Later note: For Sylvia, Bob, and Gerry. They lost their jobs for refusing to sign the "Statement of Belief." God will honor their faithfulness to their consciences and convictions.}
Paper Swords
Why do we hurt each other, why do we backstab so,
How can children of the living God decide to stoop so low?
Deprive them of their livelihood, though all good people they,
I have to wonder, if He were here--what would Jesus say?
Chorus:
They will know us by our love I'm told, who do we act so cold
To sisters and brothers in the Lord, to wound with a paper sword?
Yes, kill them with a paper sword.
Storms beset and fears assail, our faith is tested much.
We feel alone on a wave-filled sea, longing for a touch.
Be still and know there is a God, and wait for Him to save,
He will carry, guide, and lead, with His rod and stave.
Chorus
I know you feel betrayed and hurt by your flesh and blood,
And they are His and so their sin is covered in the flood.
But for you the flood is fearful, bitter tears.
Wait on the Lord for He has shown faithfulness through the years.
Chorus
Grace, oh what scandal, what a risk to take on sin!
A holy God did condescend, His Spirit dwells within,
He plays no favorites, but forgives each of us the same,
Not for us or for our sakes, but for the glory of His name.
Chorus
Paper Swords
Why do we hurt each other, why do we backstab so,
How can children of the living God decide to stoop so low?
Deprive them of their livelihood, though all good people they,
I have to wonder, if He were here--what would Jesus say?
Chorus:
They will know us by our love I'm told, who do we act so cold
To sisters and brothers in the Lord, to wound with a paper sword?
Yes, kill them with a paper sword.
Storms beset and fears assail, our faith is tested much.
We feel alone on a wave-filled sea, longing for a touch.
Be still and know there is a God, and wait for Him to save,
He will carry, guide, and lead, with His rod and stave.
Chorus
I know you feel betrayed and hurt by your flesh and blood,
And they are His and so their sin is covered in the flood.
But for you the flood is fearful, bitter tears.
Wait on the Lord for He has shown faithfulness through the years.
Chorus
Grace, oh what scandal, what a risk to take on sin!
A holy God did condescend, His Spirit dwells within,
He plays no favorites, but forgives each of us the same,
Not for us or for our sakes, but for the glory of His name.
Chorus
Friday, November 27, 1998
poem: Evening Stillness
Evening Stillness
And it was all over--
I knew it.
But there were no tears to be shed,
No eulogies to be said.
No, it began in anger, but ended in a
Stifling silence.
There was nothing left to say.
Like a snake we shouldn't have played with
It wrapped itself around our bellies,
Our hearts,
Our eyes,
Our ears,
Our lives.
We died so slowly that we did not know we were dead.
It blinded, deafened, hardened.
Why do we fight?
Dead people lie still.
And it was all over--
I knew it.
But there were no tears to be shed,
No eulogies to be said.
No, it began in anger, but ended in a
Stifling silence.
There was nothing left to say.
Like a snake we shouldn't have played with
It wrapped itself around our bellies,
Our hearts,
Our eyes,
Our ears,
Our lives.
We died so slowly that we did not know we were dead.
It blinded, deafened, hardened.
Why do we fight?
Dead people lie still.
Tuesday, August 11, 1998
poem: Out of the Darkness
Out of the Darkness
In the shadow of the past, oh, that dark and dreary place!
Jesus' blood pled o'er me, He my righteous case.
Here's where darkness overcame, this place is the start,
Where demons came and won a battle for this human heart.
So far was I from the Son that day, so far and yet so near,
But Satan came, pulled me away, so I would not even hear.
He took me to a place of his, a place bereft of light,
He thought the vict'ry won, he did; I lived years within the night.
First Chorus:
For shadows of the past there is but one remedy,
Only Christ can come, enlighten, and cause the blind to see.
Christ came and chased me as a hound after the prey,
Intent on chasing from the dark into the light of day.
And so He came, nipped at my heels, and put me on the run,
But you can't outrun the Hound of Heaven, you can't outrun the Son.
Second Chorus:
Please don't shut Him out, oh no, don't turn from light of day,
He is our Hope, Creator, Friend, the Life, the Truth, the Way.
And so I gave my heart to Him; He heard and did draw near,
And in that place of holy light, the shadows disappear.
The darkness lost the war for me, though winning at the start,
I am His and He is mine, He owns this human heart.
Yes, I am His and He is mine, he owns my human heart.
In the shadow of the past, oh, that dark and dreary place!
Jesus' blood pled o'er me, He my righteous case.
Here's where darkness overcame, this place is the start,
Where demons came and won a battle for this human heart.
So far was I from the Son that day, so far and yet so near,
But Satan came, pulled me away, so I would not even hear.
He took me to a place of his, a place bereft of light,
He thought the vict'ry won, he did; I lived years within the night.
First Chorus:
For shadows of the past there is but one remedy,
Only Christ can come, enlighten, and cause the blind to see.
Christ came and chased me as a hound after the prey,
Intent on chasing from the dark into the light of day.
And so He came, nipped at my heels, and put me on the run,
But you can't outrun the Hound of Heaven, you can't outrun the Son.
Second Chorus:
Please don't shut Him out, oh no, don't turn from light of day,
He is our Hope, Creator, Friend, the Life, the Truth, the Way.
And so I gave my heart to Him; He heard and did draw near,
And in that place of holy light, the shadows disappear.
The darkness lost the war for me, though winning at the start,
I am His and He is mine, He owns this human heart.
Yes, I am His and He is mine, he owns my human heart.
Thursday, July 23, 1998
poem: Dancing With the Devil
Dancing With the Devil
I cannot do it on my own, I cannot see the way,
I cannot walk the path alone and hope to find the day.
Rebelliousness resides in me, a heart of stone have I,
I cannot change it on my own, and to my old self die.
A part of me loves the night, shrinks away from holy Light,
Intent on living for itself, it gives up eternal wealth.
I hate the darkness in my heart, the sin that keeps and holds apart
Me from all Your grace and love, showered on me from above.
Lord, You know what I have done, worshipped Satan, just for fun!
Spurned Your love and spurned Your care, listened to the devil's dare--
A dare to live just for myself, and put my God up on the shelf,
Then take Him down once a week and for His face halfheartedly seek.
Dancing darkness, devil's lies, not You, Lord, but "me" and "I,"
Putting self in center true, is Satan's want and leaves out You.
Overcome this stubborn heart, heart of stone to break apart,
Putting flesh within its place, and filling me with holy grace.
I cannot do it on my own, I cannot see the way,
I cannot walk the path alone and hope to find the day.
Rebelliousness resides in me, a heart of stone have I,
I cannot change it on my own, and to my old self die.
A part of me loves the night, shrinks away from holy Light,
Intent on living for itself, it gives up eternal wealth.
I hate the darkness in my heart, the sin that keeps and holds apart
Me from all Your grace and love, showered on me from above.
Lord, You know what I have done, worshipped Satan, just for fun!
Spurned Your love and spurned Your care, listened to the devil's dare--
A dare to live just for myself, and put my God up on the shelf,
Then take Him down once a week and for His face halfheartedly seek.
Dancing darkness, devil's lies, not You, Lord, but "me" and "I,"
Putting self in center true, is Satan's want and leaves out You.
Overcome this stubborn heart, heart of stone to break apart,
Putting flesh within its place, and filling me with holy grace.
Wednesday, June 24, 1998
poem: Someday
Someday
Someday the pain and tears will be over,
Someday the work will be done, the harvest in,
Someday, yes someday, the faith will be sight,
Glad faces turned upward in joy of hope fulfilled.
Then our final good-byes will become hellos -
The grave has not triumphed,
Death has itself had death imposed -
Then we who toiled in the heat of the day,
Side by side or miles apart,
Will rest together in the shade of our Lord's presence.
I have many people I will look for.
Some will be surprised I am there.
I can't wait to see their faces -
"You? You made it here? Oh, God is so good!"
Yes. Oh, yes. Our Lord is wonderful.
And we will rejoice.
Others will be friends I have not seen in years.
I will find the lovely man who led me to Christ.
There, at the foot of our Savior
We will do together what in life we had always done apart.
Worship.
In that great someday the only tears shed will be of
Joy, the only worship will be of
Christ, the only life will be
Eternal.
Someday, my friend, we will meet and greet,
Live and love,
Joy and delight,
At the foot of
Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Someday the pain and tears will be over,
Someday the work will be done, the harvest in,
Someday, yes someday, the faith will be sight,
Glad faces turned upward in joy of hope fulfilled.
Then our final good-byes will become hellos -
The grave has not triumphed,
Death has itself had death imposed -
Then we who toiled in the heat of the day,
Side by side or miles apart,
Will rest together in the shade of our Lord's presence.
I have many people I will look for.
Some will be surprised I am there.
I can't wait to see their faces -
"You? You made it here? Oh, God is so good!"
Yes. Oh, yes. Our Lord is wonderful.
And we will rejoice.
Others will be friends I have not seen in years.
I will find the lovely man who led me to Christ.
There, at the foot of our Savior
We will do together what in life we had always done apart.
Worship.
In that great someday the only tears shed will be of
Joy, the only worship will be of
Christ, the only life will be
Eternal.
Someday, my friend, we will meet and greet,
Live and love,
Joy and delight,
At the foot of
Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
Thursday, April 09, 1998
poem: Thorns and Scarlet
Thorns and Scarlet
Out of slavery, out of sin, out of Egypt, enter in.
You our God and You our stay, You our Savior light the way.
Blood of lambs upon our door, that the wrath of God won't pour
On our homes, but rather save, redeem us when we were a slave.
And then You came and taught in love, the glories of the One above.
You came rebuked, reproved, and taught, and wept with sorrow as You sought
All the lost, too numb too feel; show them love that You may heal
Their hurts and failings of the past, as You put death to death at last.
So thorns and scarlet wrap around, You let Your hands and wrists be bound,
Beaten, spat on, mocked that day, the Son of God our crimes did pay.
I cannot fathom love that fierce, love that would His own hands pierce.
God let His anger fall on His Son, until He cried out, "It is done!"
All glory to God and God alone, the God who loved and did atone
For things that we should have to pay, but for us in love did lay
Down His life that we may live, through the Son He did forgive
All we've caused, pain and strife, and gave instead eternal life!
(With thanks to Shantyman magazine for the title.)
Out of slavery, out of sin, out of Egypt, enter in.
You our God and You our stay, You our Savior light the way.
Blood of lambs upon our door, that the wrath of God won't pour
On our homes, but rather save, redeem us when we were a slave.
And then You came and taught in love, the glories of the One above.
You came rebuked, reproved, and taught, and wept with sorrow as You sought
All the lost, too numb too feel; show them love that You may heal
Their hurts and failings of the past, as You put death to death at last.
So thorns and scarlet wrap around, You let Your hands and wrists be bound,
Beaten, spat on, mocked that day, the Son of God our crimes did pay.
I cannot fathom love that fierce, love that would His own hands pierce.
God let His anger fall on His Son, until He cried out, "It is done!"
All glory to God and God alone, the God who loved and did atone
For things that we should have to pay, but for us in love did lay
Down His life that we may live, through the Son He did forgive
All we've caused, pain and strife, and gave instead eternal life!
(With thanks to Shantyman magazine for the title.)
Wednesday, April 01, 1998
Lessons of the Labyrinth
I wrote this for a writing contest for a now-defunct devotional for high school and college students called Campus Journal. What has replaced it is Our Journey, a devotional available by paid subscription only. It was put out by RBC Ministries, and is now published by Walk in the Word.
This was written sometime in the Spring of 1998, so I'm sticking it here as a rough guess.
Here's the other contest entry I wrote.
----------
Read: Psalm 46
Verse: "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding." --Proverbs 3:5
In Vacaville, California there is a huge maze called the Wooz. The point is to get through it, hitting each of the four towers, in a certain amount of time. It's tricky because it's so easy to get lost, backtrack the wrong direction, or otherwise wander aimlessly.
Sometimes our lives seem like a maze, and at those times it can be difficult to trust God. Your boyfriend breaks up with you, you don't get the classes you want, you're turned down for the perfect job. The medieval symbol of the labyrinth offers insight into these contemporary problems.
I walked a labyrinth once. It showed me things about life and trusting God.
It might seem that, like the Wooz, your life is a maze right now, but rest assured that if you are a Christian you are on a journey that ends at only one place - Jesus. Will you take the challenge and trust Him in the storms of your life today?
Reflection
Do I feel lost in a maze, or safely on the labyrinth's path with Christ?
How has God showed His love for me? Is that a love I can trust with my life?
In what areas of my life am I having difficulty trusting God? How can I begin to trust Him today?
This was written sometime in the Spring of 1998, so I'm sticking it here as a rough guess.
Here's the other contest entry I wrote.
Read: Psalm 46
Verse: "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding." --Proverbs 3:5
In Vacaville, California there is a huge maze called the Wooz. The point is to get through it, hitting each of the four towers, in a certain amount of time. It's tricky because it's so easy to get lost, backtrack the wrong direction, or otherwise wander aimlessly.
Sometimes our lives seem like a maze, and at those times it can be difficult to trust God. Your boyfriend breaks up with you, you don't get the classes you want, you're turned down for the perfect job. The medieval symbol of the labyrinth offers insight into these contemporary problems.
I walked a labyrinth once. It showed me things about life and trusting God.
- The labyrinth I walked had no dead ends, no way to get lost. In this way, it differed from the Wooz. Christ at the center was the only and inevitable conclusion. Once Christ finds us we can't be lost again (John 10:28).
- The room was dark and votive candles let the path. Sometimes our lives seem dark, but when we trust God we are given enough light to know the next step, and the next.
- When life's pathways twist and turn and we can't see very far ahead, we need to remember that God is with us in our struggles. He cares. He can see the big picture. He has plans for our lives (Jeremiah 29:11).
It might seem that, like the Wooz, your life is a maze right now, but rest assured that if you are a Christian you are on a journey that ends at only one place - Jesus. Will you take the challenge and trust Him in the storms of your life today?
Reflection
Do I feel lost in a maze, or safely on the labyrinth's path with Christ?
How has God showed His love for me? Is that a love I can trust with my life?
In what areas of my life am I having difficulty trusting God? How can I begin to trust Him today?
Friday, March 27, 1998
Hired at Family Radio
I'm writing this way after the fact, but this is just a "placeholder" post so that I know what day I was hired at Family Radio. I talked to Louise downstairs and she said it was March 27, 1998. :)
Saturday, March 07, 1998
poem: Evangelism
Evangelism
Lives of quiet desperation, crying for a sure salvation.
Darkened hearts and darkened thoughts, knowing not what should be sought.
They stumble in an aimless maze, afraid to peer through holy haze.
They live and work and die in vain, never knowing One who came
To save from sin and pain and woe, defeating Satan's final blow.
Surely I am not this bad, surely my state not so sad!
But at the cross I kneel and see, any sin's too much for Thee.
I have hurt and sinned and lied; You have loved so You have died
For everyone upon this earth, offering a second birth.
Touch me, Lord, and heal my sin; bow my heart and enter in.
Lives of quiet desperation, crying for a sure salvation.
Darkened hearts and darkened thoughts, knowing not what should be sought.
They stumble in an aimless maze, afraid to peer through holy haze.
They live and work and die in vain, never knowing One who came
To save from sin and pain and woe, defeating Satan's final blow.
Surely I am not this bad, surely my state not so sad!
But at the cross I kneel and see, any sin's too much for Thee.
I have hurt and sinned and lied; You have loved so You have died
For everyone upon this earth, offering a second birth.
Touch me, Lord, and heal my sin; bow my heart and enter in.
Wednesday, February 11, 1998
poem: Psalm
{Later note: I wrote this after being laid off from my job at the college bookstore, a job I actually liked. It was a temporary job, but everyone knew that a few lucky people would get to stay, and I prayed that I'd be one of them. Instead, after making it through the first round of layoffs, I was caught in the second, and had to go back to my old job at McDonald's, which I hated.
What I didn't know at the time--had no way of knowing--was that if I had gotten a permanent position at the bookstore, it would have been very difficult, if not impossible, to transition into my job at Family Radio. They would have fired me. McDonald's, desperate as they are for help, would not fire me, and put up with all of my "I can't come to work tomorrow because my other job wants me" shenanigans. It was only with hindsight that I could see it was God's goodness that I was laid off from the bookstore. However, I wrote this before I knew all that.}
Psalm
Yet I will praise Him...
Though my life changes
And hope is crushed,
Though He gives only to take,
Though dreams are shattered
By nightmare's dark ride,
Yet I will praise Him.
Though darkness' flood overwhelms
And I drown in despair,
Though God's gentle hand becomes rough
And I am crushed under the weight,
Though only starlight lights the path
And the sun has fled,
Yet I will praise Him.
Though friends be far and will not talk
So that I must cry alone,
Though my thoughts tell me all is lost
And dark voices assail my ears,
Though God's hand seems to be against me
And trust is tested,
Yet I will praise Him.
For this I call to mind:
His mighty deeds for my ancestors,
His past mercies toward me,
And most of all, His grace revealed in
Salvation.
For though even life has lost its appeal,
I will rejoice in my salvation
Which cannot be lost like a job,
Or trampled underfoot like hope,
But shall remain.
So, though all seems lost,
Yet I will praise Him
For my redemption through Christ's blood.
Yes, I will praise Him.
What I didn't know at the time--had no way of knowing--was that if I had gotten a permanent position at the bookstore, it would have been very difficult, if not impossible, to transition into my job at Family Radio. They would have fired me. McDonald's, desperate as they are for help, would not fire me, and put up with all of my "I can't come to work tomorrow because my other job wants me" shenanigans. It was only with hindsight that I could see it was God's goodness that I was laid off from the bookstore. However, I wrote this before I knew all that.}
Psalm
Yet I will praise Him...
Though my life changes
And hope is crushed,
Though He gives only to take,
Though dreams are shattered
By nightmare's dark ride,
Yet I will praise Him.
Though darkness' flood overwhelms
And I drown in despair,
Though God's gentle hand becomes rough
And I am crushed under the weight,
Though only starlight lights the path
And the sun has fled,
Yet I will praise Him.
Though friends be far and will not talk
So that I must cry alone,
Though my thoughts tell me all is lost
And dark voices assail my ears,
Though God's hand seems to be against me
And trust is tested,
Yet I will praise Him.
For this I call to mind:
His mighty deeds for my ancestors,
His past mercies toward me,
And most of all, His grace revealed in
Salvation.
For though even life has lost its appeal,
I will rejoice in my salvation
Which cannot be lost like a job,
Or trampled underfoot like hope,
But shall remain.
So, though all seems lost,
Yet I will praise Him
For my redemption through Christ's blood.
Yes, I will praise Him.
Friday, December 05, 1997
poem: Yesterday's Wine
{Later note: Coming down from the high of the Billy Graham Crusade, I found myself in much the same place spiritually as before, yet with a love for God in my heart I had not known before.}
Yesterday's Wine
I tasted tomorrow,
The food of heaven, the wine of the Lord.
I woke up, gazing anew in Your eyes,
Seeing You for the millionth time, yet the first.
Waking from the dream of my own desires,
To who I am in You, who I can be with Your help.
Lord, why have You given me this,
Blessed me with these gifts?
I who profane Your name with my disobedience,
Spurn Your love with my self-sufficiency.
How can You love when I return hate?
How can You, why do You, love me?
Like Camelot, the gift fell through my fingers like sand,
Fading as reality fades into a dream, like falling back asleep.
But there is a new purpose in my heart, a love not beating there before because
I tasted tomorrow.
Yet now I find myself empty,
Drinking the bitter dregs of the wine of yesterday.
Yesterday's Wine
I tasted tomorrow,
The food of heaven, the wine of the Lord.
I woke up, gazing anew in Your eyes,
Seeing You for the millionth time, yet the first.
Waking from the dream of my own desires,
To who I am in You, who I can be with Your help.
Lord, why have You given me this,
Blessed me with these gifts?
I who profane Your name with my disobedience,
Spurn Your love with my self-sufficiency.
How can You love when I return hate?
How can You, why do You, love me?
Like Camelot, the gift fell through my fingers like sand,
Fading as reality fades into a dream, like falling back asleep.
But there is a new purpose in my heart, a love not beating there before because
I tasted tomorrow.
Yet now I find myself empty,
Drinking the bitter dregs of the wine of yesterday.
Monday, August 25, 1997
poem: Heartsong - For My Dad
Heartsong--For My Dad
This book of fairy tales to you, a book of truth to me,
Full of hopeful promises of all that I can be.
Promises, yes promises, this thing, yes it is sure,
His aspirations and His love are beautiful and pure.
Chorus:
Lord God draw him near to You, as You did so with me,
Open his eyes, open his heart, and cause him now to see
That there is life after death, for salvation only one Name,
Jesus, yes Jesus, our only Redeemer, now and forever the same.
Yes, Dad, this "pack of lies" to you, is truth to friends and I,
Calling me out from myself, and calling self to die.
This book was written by "ignorant men"--that's what you have said,
There is no truth contained within; God's Word, yes, it is dead.
Chorus
The prophets, kings, and heroes, looked forward to the One,
They prophesied and promised a time that was to come
When truth and fiction would collide--all people then would know
Whose word would stand in this land, and death would be laid low.
Chorus
Daddy, I can't make you know, or force you now to see
That God's Word lives on within my heart--it's at the core of me.
I wait in living hope for you; I wait in living fear
That you would come to know the One, and He would draw you near.
Final Chorus:
Lord God draw him near to You, as You did so with me,
Open his eyes, open his heart, and cause him now to see
That there is life after death, for salvation only one Name,
Jesus, yes Jesus, our only Redeemer, now and forever the same.
Jesus, yes Jesus, our only Redeemer, now and forever the same.
This book of fairy tales to you, a book of truth to me,
Full of hopeful promises of all that I can be.
Promises, yes promises, this thing, yes it is sure,
His aspirations and His love are beautiful and pure.
Chorus:
Lord God draw him near to You, as You did so with me,
Open his eyes, open his heart, and cause him now to see
That there is life after death, for salvation only one Name,
Jesus, yes Jesus, our only Redeemer, now and forever the same.
Yes, Dad, this "pack of lies" to you, is truth to friends and I,
Calling me out from myself, and calling self to die.
This book was written by "ignorant men"--that's what you have said,
There is no truth contained within; God's Word, yes, it is dead.
Chorus
The prophets, kings, and heroes, looked forward to the One,
They prophesied and promised a time that was to come
When truth and fiction would collide--all people then would know
Whose word would stand in this land, and death would be laid low.
Chorus
Daddy, I can't make you know, or force you now to see
That God's Word lives on within my heart--it's at the core of me.
I wait in living hope for you; I wait in living fear
That you would come to know the One, and He would draw you near.
Final Chorus:
Lord God draw him near to You, as You did so with me,
Open his eyes, open his heart, and cause him now to see
That there is life after death, for salvation only one Name,
Jesus, yes Jesus, our only Redeemer, now and forever the same.
Jesus, yes Jesus, our only Redeemer, now and forever the same.
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