power corrupts

I am alive even though sometimes I wish otherwise. I still have a job and boss J. is still being an a**hole. There was a time when he wanted to do better, or at least he tried to do better.  I think that changed when his supervisor retired and they didn't replace him.  All of a sudden boss J. had *power.*  As a child I learned one thing about power - power corrupts.  So now boss J. acts as dictator over his little kingdom of Network Control. I hate to so say it because it is wrong to do so, but I hate the man.

I have been praying for myself and this department. I have adopted (and pray) Psalm 13. I cry because of the stress J. causes me, I skip church because I don't want to be around people, and I am just overwhelmingly depressed. I have never had a supervisor as bad as J.

"The meeting" finally happened and was everything I feared. Boss J. was his best politician self and got both Thad and board member Bill on his side before the meeting ever happened. It was a long meeting where they mostly beat up on me telling me I had to trust J. (um, isn't trust something that's earned?) and other nonsensical stuff.  J. made a few empty promises to do better in certain areas. I have no hope of his following through.  He has truly deceived himself that he is hurting me for my own good.   The real reason is power of course. I have never seen a man more enamored with power.

Internet-wise, boss J. let me have 50 minutes of Internet use between 10 and 10:50 pm when I get off.  At the meeting I asked for a very meager amount of time online - just 3 hours total minus any time handling problems and such, but in the end I had to settle for 8:20 pm to 10:50pm - just 2 1/2 hours. So they are still being hard asses and relegating me to staring at a wall the rest of my shift.

I'm wearing all black all the time. I am in permanent mourning for what J. has done to this department.  No one likes him.  The overnight girl thinks he's an "idiot," and of course Brad and I have been on the receiving end of his power mongering for a long time now.  I stopped at Old Navy earlier this week and bought some black tank tops, another pair of black yoga pants (they are so comfortable!), and a black purse.  Everything except the pants were on sale.  :) I bought more black nail polish today. I'm pairing down my closet and need to box up all my non-black clothes.

Brad and I are still planning on moving into the one bedroom apartment in the front of the building. It still isn't ready, nearly two months after it was supposed to be ready.  :-p

Gym time has been minimal, mostly just because I'm too depressed to motivate myself to go.  The constant rescheduling of "the meeting" has also played a part in some missed sessions. The lack of heavy exercise has not helped my weight. Most of my exercise is just walking places to save on bus fare - not anything that burns many calories.

My weight is continuing to climb.  I'm up around 20 pounds at the moment.  I am trying so hard to be good, but then something comes along and knocks me for a loop and I binge.  I have come to understand that I have Binge Eating Disorder.  The basic definition is to eat past the point of being full at least twice a week; this behavior must continue to three months or six months - I've seen both numbers. By the three month definition I am already there.  :(

Anyway, so that's another update.



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Boss J.'s e-mail about me

I managed to get ahold on boss J.'s e-mail about me. One of the people it was sent to knows Brad and told him so he could tell me, then got me a copy today.  I'll give you all one guess as to why boss J. started with me instead of some other operator.

"Subject: Network Control Operator Evaluation: Victoria Shephard

"As part of my desire to assist Network Control Operators in the professional development, I am currently developing an evaluation procedure...

"In this same vein I am currently in the process of evaluating Victoria Shepard's (sic) performance (I will be sending out the same request for the other Operators within the next month)...I would REALLY appreciate it if you could provide me with some information to work with. I understand that we are 'all in process', so there may be some occasions where she didn't perform as well as you may have liked. That said you are also welcome to give an overall assessment and/or specify certain incidents that you found either positive or negative..."

He then goes on to list specific areas of concern and that all information will be kept confidential.  The e-mail was sent to 25 different people, some of whom I have never worked with or ever even spoken to.

Peggy, the assistant secretary at the Sacramento office, hit "reply all" and fired back saying, "It is not my place to evaluate your staff. That is your job! When I have a problem with your staff, I will let you know."

So there you are. He is clearly on a fishing expedition, looking for reasons to fire me. The funny thing is that he will find nothing.  There are only two person on the list who might have something bad to say. One is "buddy buddy" with J., and the other gets mad at every operator, not just me. No one else will have anything bad to say because I do my job and I do it well. Seven of the people I know but have never worked with.  An eighth person I have never even spoken to in my 10+ years here.

The e-mail was sent to my former supervisors in the secretarial department where I used to work, but was not sent to the head of the French department where I subbed for someone for two months putting together the French programming (you don't have to speak French to do this). I guess J. is not aware of my time there.

At any rate, the e-mail was not well received from what I have heard around here, and as I said, few people will have even one bad word to say about me. If any do reply it will be with good things, not bad ones.

So, was this a professional thing to do? Would anyone out there dream of sending such as e-mail?  Your comments are welcome and appreciated.  Thanks.  :)


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Life still sucks

I'm still doing pretty sucky.  Weight-wise I can't stick to plan because I'm not just addicted to sugar and carbs, but I tend to binge and gorge myself when I am under stress.  I stuff my feelings down with food and I now have a nice little belly to show for it.

Getting to the gym is hit and miss (mostly miss).  I don't feel like going when I am depressed, and it requires getting up early and traveling a long way on the bus. I often just don't have the will to crawl out of bed. I am getting exercise, though.  I walk a lot of places both for the exercise and the savings on bus fare, and if worse comes to worse I can always pull out the mini trampoline I keep at work and jog on it after boss J. has left for the day.

Work-wise the stress is wearing on me.  I'm now allowed online a total of one hour a day.  I think boss J. expected me to be grateful or kiss his feet or something.  Every day I can't wait for him to leave at his usual time of 7 p.m.  He commutes from far away and will often work 14 hours so that he can come in fewer days (good for me!).

Today it looks like I'm stuck here until 3 a.m.  The overnight girl, L., is sick again of course none of the part-timers want to work that shift at all, especially on such short notice. So I have to work 12 hours, have Brad take over at 3, and then come back at 3 p.m. tomorrow for my regular shift.  Boss J. made it very clear to me that he does not like working the overnight because it is "hard."  <sarcasm>Oh, the poor baby wants to be a manager and have all the perks but none of the responsibilities. </sarcasm>

And that's another thing about working under J. I have never had a job before where I had to find my own fill-ins or come in anyway, no matter how bad of shape I'm in.  In normal businesses you just call in sick and the manager takes responsibility to find a fill-in, or do it himself.  Not under J.  He wants us to do his job and find our own fill-ins.  This usually results in my working 3 p.m. to 3 a.m., and forces Brad to come in at 3 a.m. and work until 3 p.m., when I come in again.

Bill, the board member, called me on Saturday and said we would have a meeting today with me, Jon, Bill, and Lupe.  Brad thought Lupe was a bad idea so I called back and asked for Matthew or Thad, or, if it had to be another woman, Kathleen from downstairs.  Bill called me back and said he was trying to set up something with Thad, and that's where it stands now.

I took the paper I wrote and that I gave to Bill, turned it into a letter format, expanded it, and put it in Mr. Camping's box.

I know boss J. is waiting for me to break, but if he thinks I will, then he doesn't know women very well.  This is probably why he desperately wants to get married but can't find a woman crazy enough.  In one of the comments Brian mentioned something about my boss' "wife."  The truth is, he doesn't have a wife because he's just too mean and controlling.  No sane woman will go past a first date.

I have heard (but have not yet seen) that boss J. sent an e-mail to a bunch of people about doing evaluations on net control operators, and specifically mentioned me.  One of the recipients does not have my e-mail address or phone number, but texted Brad to let him know about it, knowing that he would tell me.  I am trying to get a copy of J.'s e-mail.  I am also trying to get a copy of Peggy's response to him (she's a lady who works in the Sacramento office) that I have heard was not kind. I'll give an update if I ever get ahold of either e-mail.

That's about it I guess.  I still don't have to will to update very often but I will as I am able.


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guess I haven't updated in a while

Hi all,

As usual my lack of updating isn't a lack of time, but motivation.  Depression de-motivates you to do nothing but the necessary tasks to get by.
Boss J. is still a problem and his unfair ban continues to stand.  Bill had a talk with him which resulted in nothing more than J. having a talk with me afterwards.  I was honest, and he was not happy.  When he asked if I trusted him, I said no.  This made him mad and he launched into a short tirade about how we can't have communication if I can't trust him, blah, blah, blah.  Sorry, J., but trust is earned and you have not earned it.

I tried to talk to Mr. Camping and he did come to see me before the Open Forum program one day last week.  However, I don't think he really understood the problem.  I took the paper that I wrote for Bill, expanded it and turned it into a letter format, and put it in Mr. Camping's box.  I don't know if he will read it or care, but it's my only  recourse.  In it I spell out exactly what I want - a lift on the ban and someone other than J. to discipline me because I don't feel Jon will be fair.  I doubt it will help, but I am going stir crazy back here and I can't take much longer.  I'll try to attach my letter to Mr. Camping to this e-mail, but I doubt it will work.  It's a Word document, but I don't think my blog allows attachments.

I have regular melt downs and cry, sometimes at work.  My most recent was today.  I had to take some Xanax to calm me down, but it has a side effect was tiredness, so now I'm calm but I want to do nothing more than sleep.

Bill said there will be a meeting next week.  I'm not sure who else will be there besides Bill, J., and me.  I do not believe it will solve anything.  I am losing hope of things ever getting better.

The stress is taking a toll on Brad and I.  We got into a big fight after the Walk For Life on January 23, then got into it again last Thursday when he drove me home from work.  The situation is killing both of us since he has to listen to me complain and he doesn't like J. either.

Anyway, I still alive and still depressed.  I just want to curl up and die because at least then the pain would go away.

Diet and weight-wise I am not doing good.  I got an annual questionnaire from the Weight Control Center. One of the things they ask is you weight one year ago and your weight now.  I looked up one year ago and I was about 135.  I have been avoiding the scale but had to step on it to complete the questionnaire and now I am 150.  I have gained 15 pounds since Thanksgiving - vacation, holidays, my birthday, and, the single biggest contributor, stress at work.  I am struggling because I tend to medicate my mental pain and stress with junk food.

Bye all.


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An interview, and the Walk for Life

Hi everyone.  I'm still alive. I treasure your comments and read them via e-mail in my spare moments at home.

Brad was kind enough to share his cold with me so now we are both sick. His cold is now bronchitis and my cold is just a nice healthy cold. Up until today I have been able to do some walking in between rain showers and the fresh air did me some good.  Today it has been a steady rain and not only am I feeling worse, but I had to take the bus to work because of the rain.

I haven't been sleeping well.  I woke up at 6 am and was unable to get back to sleep.

As for work, I've taken as much time off as I can get with my cold.  I got off two hours early on Monday and Tuesday, managed to get Wednesday off, and am working a half shift today.  A big thanks to L. and S. for making that time off possible!

As for my boss, things are still in the works.  Bill talked with me earlier this week and said he'll talk to boss J. today; we will see if that actually happens and what, of anything, comes from that.  I called the Mr. Camping's secretary about setting up a meeting with him. It is clear to me that Bill can not do what needs to be done so I have to go straight to the top.  There is no higher authority within Family Radio than Mr. Camping.

Tuesday afternoon I was interviewed by Michael Finney of the local ABC Channel 7 news.  He does the "7 on your side" consumer advocacy.  I received a Facebook message from him and we set up the interview.  It was about the Snuggies scam I fell prey to a year ago.  I asked him how he found me and he said it was through what I had written here on my blog.  He couldn't find a way to contact me on the blog, but finally tracked me down on Facebook.  I think the interview went okay and the segment should air sometime next week.  :)

The Walk for Life is this Saturday and Brad and I are planning to go.  I hope I feel better by then. This will be our third time attending. I have no way to posting links without Internet access at work, but just do a Google search on "Walk for Life West Coast," and you'll see what it's all about. It's held every January on the Saturday closest to the Roe v. Wade anniversary, which means cold, drizzly weather is just about guaranteed.

So yeah, I'm still alive, just depressed and sick at the moment. I think the stress at work is what made me sick because I have been healthy and have avoided every illness this winter - until boss J. went on his latest rampage.


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Profoundly depressed

I am alive, but barely functioning. I am still locked in this room 40 hours a week with no contact with the outside world aside from making or receiving the occasional work-related call.  This is no better than solitary confinement in prison except that I get to go home each night and sleep in my own bed.  I am not doing well. I just want to curl up and die. I have a meltdown at least once a week where I cry uncontrollably, sometimes in public places.

Somehow I've dragged myself out of bed each morning and done what I have to, though I skip Wednesday's gym session to sleep in.

My birthday was good. Brad and I visited the Winchester House and the Egyptian museum. I ate lots of bad foods.  :)  Aside from that bright spot of taking a day off work though, life has sucked pretty bad.  The meeting between Bill, boss J., Brad, and I of course never materialized. Even if it ever does, I doubt it will fix things.  Boss J. is one of those people who claim to be Christian, but when you talk to him it's all about him - I want this, I think that.  It's all about "I" and never about God.  That is the person in control of my life 40 hours a week.

I love my job - I really do. If boss J. were gone everything would be peachy again. How can I work under a boss who doesn't even pretend to like me anymore? He treats me with disdain.

Not much more to say.  Too depressed to care.  Today I forgot my computer power cord so I can't even use my laptop because the battery doesn't last very long.  Brad is too busy to bring me the cord so I have nothing to do today but stare at a wall.

I'll try to check in as energy allows. I just haven't felt up to writing entries lately.


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First week of 2010 - crap city

I'm in a dark mood. I've decided to dress in black at work for the
foreseeable future. Outside of work I can wear whatever, but at work my
clothes should reflect the mourning I feel for this department under
boss J's rule. I stopped at WalMart on my way to work and bought black
shirts and jeans. It cost about $66 (lol!). My hair is already black
and I own two black head coverings. Yesterday I pulled out my black
nail polish and painted my nails black.

Thankfully, boss J. is not at work today. He's a huge source of stress
and I'm a stress eater. Under stress I binge. I am praying for him,
myself, and (as always) my family.

After getting bit (twice!) last week by what I assume were spiders in my
bedding, I stripped the bed earlier this week. Today I stripped it
again and washed the comforter, sheets, pillow cases, inner pillow
cases, cat blankets, and even the mattress pad - in addition to my
normal wash. It took two double load washers (one just for the
comforter) and one triple load, plus two driers (again, one was just for
the comforter). I used bleach in two of the washes. I don't use bleach
for the colored or dark clothes, but did use it on the comforter (to
kill anything) and washing the whites. I got up a half hour early to
give myself enough time. I forgot my coffee so I stopped at the snack
shop at the laundromat and bought coffee there.

My exercise was plenty of walking. I think these new fitness shoes do
give me more of a workout. My abs were hurting slightly while walking
because of my ab workout yesterday. Legs, abs, butt - it just seems to
take more energy walking in these shoes. :) I walked to the laundromat
and back with my cart piled high. Then I walked down to the train
station, stopping at the bank to deposit the check I got yesterday from
my Family Radio "savings account." I walked from the train to work with
the stop at WalMart on the way. I'll try to explain the "savings
account" thing next week.

I'm a little worried about Xena, my gray tabby. She has the "crummies."
Brad came home yesterday to find puke on the floor. We didn't know which
cat did it at first. Then I fed them last night and Xena threw it up.
I fed them again this morning, and Xena threw it up again. She's not
showing any other signs of sickness, but throwing up three times (so
far) is not good. Xena is a skinny little thing and can't be missing
meals. I don't want to take her to the vet because I simply can't
afford it, but I will if I have to. The last time I tried to call the
vet (to get flea stuff) the number was disconnected. Brad and I need to
take a drive past and see if they are still in business or if I need to
find a new vet. :-p

Tomorrow is grocery shopping. I need to go to my Safeway because the one
in Alameda doesn't carry wheat gluten. I also need to find a beauty
store and look for black lipstick. There is one store by my house, plus
one at Southshore in Alameda.

Saturday is church and in the evening Brad and I will go to Costco for
salad. I'll have dinner there.

Sunday it's back to work for me, but Brad and I have Monday off because
it's my birthday. We're going to San Jose. When I cashed my "saving
account" check today I took out money for the trip. I'll give Brad some
gas money too. My birthday gift will be dinner at Sizzler. My birthday
is the last off plan day of the holidays for me. With my birthday so
near to Christmas, my birthday presents were always put under the
Christmas tree, and the tree stayed up until my birthday.

Comments left here are automatically e-mailed to me. I'm trying to
check my e-mail from home, and in any spare moments before my shift, so
I do see them and thank you for them.

Damn - spider bites, major washing, a bad boss, no Internet access from
work, a sick cat, and my vet is out of business. What a crappy start to
2010.

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Crap at work

I'm not going to log food stuff anymore. It's too hard without decent computer access and html code doesn't post right so I can't make a link anyway.

The crap at work is still getting me down. I haven't wanted to do anything except curl up and die. Boss J. either has no idea how disruptive he is to this department, or he doesn't care.  And just today he sent out an e-mail saying he was going to become more involved in this department - i.e. he's going to become even more controlling - and that we better know our jobs completely and totally and follow everything he and the SOP books say.  Crap and double crap.

I can only think of one other boss I had that was this controlling. That was a woman, a mid-level manager at McDonald's.  Brad thinks boss J. is insecure, that insecure people try to make up for it by controlling others. I think he may be right. I'm truly beginning to wonder if J. really is saved and if he might be truly evil rather than just inept.  We both know he's a very unstable person and wonder what mental issues he might have.

Diet-wise I'm struggling big time.  I'm a stress eater and the stress of working under someone who hates you both personally and professionally is oppressive.  Yesterday I ended up crying at work and self-medicating with carbs.  I took 4 Xanax tablets to make myself stop crying.

Today I worked out at the gym - 30 minutes of weight training and 1 hour of cardio on one of the new ellipticals.  I walked to work from the train station.

You can tell it's January - lots of new faces at the gym and it's harder to get equipment and machines.  I can't wait until the crowd dies down.  New Year's resolutioners...blech.  Leave the gym for those of us who want to pay for the privilege of going.

I'm liking my new fitness shoes.  They are comfortable and do throw you off balance so your muscles have to work harder to compensate.  I'm working on getting a photo of them on Flickr.  With limited online time I am not just getting to bed later than usual, but falling behind on basic tasks such as uploading photos to Flickr.

Between work and my weight I've been feeling really down lately.  Without a doubt I'd be suicidal if it weren't for my anti-depressant. So instead of suffering and wanting to die, I just plain suffer.

I know God is all-powerful, but when will He step in and fix this intolerable situation?


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Banned to the Bone, Day 2

Calories eaten yesterday: 944
Fat: 17g (18%)
Carbs: 70g (34%)
Protein: 104g (48%)
Calories burned in exercise yesterday: 406
(Yes, it is now calories burned yesterday instead of "today" since I
can't update today's workout until I get home late at night.)

I'm not allowed on the Internet at work, so I am posting this by
e-mail. I simply don't have time to write and post entries from home
since I only come home to sleep and then am gone again. The ban started
midnight on New Year's Eve, but yesterday was my first day back at work
so I count that as day 1 and today is day 2. I'm going to keep track so
I can later show how unfair boss J. is.

For those of you wondering, yes, I am the only one banned. Everyone else
here, both in my department and company-wide, are free to use the
Internet. Boss J. hates me and wants me to quit, so he is banning me
only. And no, there is no boss over him. That's why I had to talk to
the guy on the board of directors (for all the good it did).

The holidays were good. Brad and I spent New Year's Eve together after
we got off work. I worked until 9, then Brad took me home and worked
for me until 10, when the overnight girl, S., was coming in, working L's
usual shift. I was totally off plan all day and ate really, really
horribly (sugar and more sugar), culminating with wine and pizza for
dinner, and finally champagne and brie at midnight.

I am working on getting the Flickr photos up, but I am really behind,
partly due to the Internet ban. I'm glad to report that at least on New
Year's Day I ate healthy and light. I was off plan Saturday, but am back
on plan now, and will be until my birthday next week. Once my birthday
is over I can really get down to business.

Yesterday Brad and I went hiking and we brought my mini trampoline to
work so I can pass the time working out. I jogged for 50 minutes on it
yesterday.

Boss J. is back from his vacation now so I am now back to walking a
tightrope around him. I long for 7 pm when he usually leaves.

Today I went to the gym. In the locker room I overheard two women
chatting about those new fitness shoes that are all the rage right now.
I have wanted a pair since they first came out. One woman had a pair
and said she got them from the Sears near the gym on sale last week. I
cut my cardio session short and ran over to Sears. They were picked
clean and didn't have any 8 1/2s. I thought about buying the 8s, but
they were a bit small. A saleslady walked by and I asked her about
other sizes. She checked online, but there were none at the warehouse.
Then she called the Hayward store and they did have a pair of 8 1/2s.
She had them set aside for me and Brad picked them up this afternoon.
They were even the pink color I like best. :) I haven't seen them yet,
but they will be waiting for me when I get home.

I'm psyched! I have wanted a pair of fitness shoes since they first came
out, but everything I've found is $100 a pair. Sears had the Dr.
Sholl's brand for $70 regular price and currently on sale for $60! :)
Too good to pass up. Tomorrow I'll let you know how they work out.

2010 book list

Die, My Love by Katheryn Casey

101 Question Your Cat Would Ask Your Vet by Bruce Fogle

A Perfect Husband by Aphrodite Jones

First We’ll Kill My Husband by Lynn Riddle

The Pastor’s Wife by Diane Fanning

A Decent Into Hell by Katheryn Casey

Gone Forever by Diane Fanning

The Prom Night Murders by Carlton Smith

Through the Window by Diane Fanning

Red Zone by Aphrodite Jones

Under the Knife by Diane Fanning

In the Arms of Evil by Carlton Smith

By Their Father's Hand by Monte Francis

Playing with Fire by John Grott

The Darkest Night by Ron Franscell

Beyond Cruel by Steven G. Michaud

Small Sacrifices by Ann Rule

A Beautiful Child by Matt Birbeck

Love Me or I'll Kill You by Lee Butcher

Shattered by Katheryn Casey

Because You Loved Me by M. William Phelps

Lethal Embrace by Robert Mladinich & Michael Benson

Deadly Secrets by M. William Phelps

Perfect Beauty by Keith Elliot Greenberg and Detective Vincent Felber

The Potter's Freedom by Dr. James White
Note: I tried to read Dr. Norman Geisler's Chosen But Free, but it was so poorly written that it was a struggle just a skim most of the book.

The Officer's Wife by Michael Fleeman

Debating Calvinism by Dave Hunt and Dr. James White

God Chose To Save by Joseph M. Bianchi

Drawn by the Father by Dr. James White

The Five Points of Calvinism by David Steele, Curtis Thomas, and S. Lance Quinn

Happy New Year!

So long to '09!



Calories eaten yesterday: 794
Fat: 21g (28%)
Carbs: 66g (38%)
Protein: 61g (34%)
Calories burned in exercise today: 204

Happy new year everyone! It’s late on new year’s eve as I type this. I’m pretty much binging. :-p I ate my way to work after doing the laundry. At least I got over an hour of walking in. Fueled by sugar, I had plenty of energy.

Tonight Brad and I are having pizza and drinking champagne (ok, technically sparkling wine). Tomorrow is Friday which means grocery shopping. Brad won’t get much sleep tonight since he’ll be up late and then has to get up at 6 a.m. tomorrow, but I promised him an early bedtime Friday night.

Saturday is church. We are doing communion this week. I bake the bread, and this time pastor asked me to serve it. :)

As for my diet, I’ll eat healthy tomorrow, restart on Sunday, and stay on plan (with Saturday being a "cheat day"), until my birthday. I’m off plan on my birthday and then I can really start over without having to worry about any holiday coming up. :) I can’t wait.

See you all in 2010!

DMV

Calories burned in exercise today: 204

I binged yesterday so I have no stats. I weighed about 150 this morning (yes 150!), but I didn't take an official weight.

Today I skipped the gym to go to the DMV. I chose the one near to where I work. Exercise was walking down to the train, then from my stop to the DMV, then the rest of the way into work - 1 hour 10 minutes and about 3.6 miles total.

The DMV didn't take that long - I was in and out in probably about an hour. My ID card is expiring in about two weeks (my birthday) so I had to pay for a new one and have my photo taken. I wrote down 150 for my weight on the form.

A secretary down the hall, S., says I should talk to Rich H. downstairs about boss J. and harassment. Oh boy. There's a can of worms, but one I think should probably be opened.

On the apartment front I talked to the owner today who says the front apartment will be ready in about two weeks. He had trouble getting the electricians scheduled, but they are now and he says he should be able to zoom through the rest once that is done. The apartment needs lots more outlets to be brought up to code.

I talked to him about the fridge and discovered that I currently have a 14 cubit foot one. He promised me a 16 foot one when I move in. The one currently in the apartment looks to be about 12 feet and is smaller than my current one. I think I had a 12 foot when I moved in, but it broke and was replaced with the current 14 foot.

Crushed and devastated

Calories eaten yesterday: 1267
Fat: 30g (24%)
Carbs: 67g (24%)
Protein: 152g (52%)
Weight this morning: 138.4
Calories burned in exercise today: 175

I don’t know where to start. Bill (on the board of directors) doesn’t want to do anything. He wouldn’t read the paper I wrote and lost the paper I gave him that Jon wrote! So I am left to die a slow and tortuous death at the hands of a boss who hates me and wants to get rid of me. Additionally, Bill is worried what would happen if Jon pulls out my personnel file, something he would surely do if we press the matter. Jon wants me gone and my file with every "sin" I’ve ever committed on the job would be powerful ammunition.

I am crushed, devastated, binging, feeling like all hope is gone. It looks like 2010 is going to suck; I have a boss who is out for blood and nobody to take my side. I feel like one of the three most important things has been taken from me; faith, hope, and love are the three greatest things according to the Bible, and I am having hope ripped from me.

Good bye to all my Facebook friends. I will miss you. My computer time at home is extremely limited. Beginning January 1 I will now spend my days at work staring at a wall for 8 hours, with nothing to do and no hope of things ever getting better – as long as Jon is boss, and I don’t see that changing.

I am crushed. I really don’t know any other way to say it. :(

I’m not going to the gym tomorrow. My state ID card is about to expire so I need to get a new one and that means a trip to the DMV. So exercise tomorrow will be plenty of walking to get to the DMV. I’ll go to the one close to work which is in a less nice section of town and therefore less busy (most people want to go to the nicer Claremont branch).

Speaking of ID cards, while walking to work yesterday I came across two ID cards on the sidewalk just up the street from the DMV. I picked them up and, since ID cards have addresses, will send them back to the people. Someone did this to me once when I lost my ID, so it’s time to "pay to forward." :)

Stairmaster

Calories eaten yesterday: 903
Fat: 16g (18%)
Carbs: 69g (34%)
Protein: 100g (48%)
Weight this morning: 141.2
Calories burned in exercise today: 415

Still in the 140s. I am so fat. :-p

Made it to the gym today. I did about 35 minutes of weight training and then spent an hour on the stairmaster. Afterwards, I walked into work from the train station.

Didn't get to talk with Bill today about the trouble at work. He wasn't in his office when I checked, and by the time I went down to leave a note for him he had already left! Argh! Hopefully tomorrow I can catch him. :-p

Tomorrow I hope to sleep in for once. I have no errands to run. :)

Christmas

Calories eaten Thursday: 1427 (I know - why too much food!)
Fat: 24g (16%)
Carbs: 66g (18%)
Protein: 113g (32%)

Friday was Christmas Day so I was off plan.

Weight Thursday morning: 141.4

Calories burned in exercise Thursday: 277
Calories burned in exercise Friday: 0
Calories burned in exercise Saturday: 0
Calories burned in exercise today: 255

Friday Brad got off a little early and we hit Safeway because they were closing early for Christmas. We spent the rest of the day at home relaxing and had a Christmas dinner of Cornish games hens, cauliflower potatoes, and rum cake. Yes, I ate almost all the rum cake myself. :-p

Saturday Brad was tired so we left church after the service. He crashed on my bed while I puttered around the house doing household stuff. In the evening we went to Costco and then I had to work from 7-11 pm. Afterwards we went to Applebee's for drinks since we didn't get to go last week.

When we got home I found the Alli pills I bought at Costco missing and I had torn up and thrown away the receipt at work! Since I couldn't do anything right then, we sipped wine and ate McDonald's and stayed up pretty late.

I woke up at 9:30 and saw it wasn't raining and could even see some blue sky. I pulled Brad out of bed and we came to work, found the pieces of the receipt and taped it together. We went back to the store and the cashier remembered that she had forgotten to put the Alli in my cart. So we got the pills.

We also ended up buying napkins and See's candy gifts certificates (those are for my Mom). Brad also upgraded to the Executive membership. :) Along with the we got a coupon for a free Costco pizza. I am thinking of having Brad pick up the pizza Wednesday and then eating it Thursday since I will be off plan for New Year's Eve and we needed something for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. :)

We managed a walk along the San Leandro shoreline before work.

Tomorrow is my meeting the one of the members of the Board of Directors here about the problems with boss Jon. He has no one over him, so I have to go to the board member. I hope to hit the gym before I come into work.

Christmas Eve Day

Merry Christmas everyone!
Calories eaten yesterday: 1010
Fat: 9g (9%)
Carbs: 79g (36%)
Protein: 89g (39%)
Weight this morning: 141.4
Calories burned in exercise today: 277

Back into the 140s again. *sigh* I just need to suck it up and learn to fast. I'm a fat pig.

Today was laundry. I walked to the laundromat and back, then down to the train, then from my stop to work. I stopped at WalMart to give some money to the Salvation Army bell ringer and pick up a few items. Over 1 1/2 hours of total walking and I skipped breakfast. :)

I'm too upset to be very hungry so I sent my salad back home with Brad when I got to work. I'm not going to eat the sardines I packed, but I left them in the fridge here for next week.

Tonight I'll be up late. When I get home I have to hop in the shower, then cook the cauliflower potatoes and rum cake for Christmas dinner. Brad is supposed to buy some meat for us and cook it.

Tomorrow Brad has to work and we are going to Safeway after he gets off. I arranged for him to get off 1 hour early because the store closes really early.

Saturday after church we have to hit Costco, and then I am working 7 pm-11 pm. I need the overtime.

See you all Sunday! No weigh-ins until after my birthday, though.

Banned to the bone

I ended up binging yesterday so I don't have any stats. It was a rough day. I was crying and shaking and had to take 9mg of Xanax (a hefty dose) to calm myself down. As of January 1 I have been banned from the Internet forever at work. It's purely punitive - my boss wants me to either quit out of boredom, or have a reason to fire me if he catches me. My boss has made it no secret that he does not like me. The feeling became mutual.

This was precipitated by an incident last week - which I got chewed out (twice!) for, and then a document was written up yesterday which he made me sign. Funny, but the other party at fault didn't get any punishment, but that's because they have a different boss.

This document goes too far and he has backed himself into a corner with it - even if he realizes he's wrong he can't back out. I took the extraordinary step of calling one of the people on the Board of Directors at their home last night. He said we'd take it up after Christmas since the board member is not at work today and he is leaving before I come in tomorrow.

This is very serious. My boss has my personnel file and will use it against me. I need to pull together a document with all the bad things and overreactions Jon has done. I also still have the video where he jokes about having "power" when he became the boss of this department. He is going to pull out all the stops to get me fired, and I have to do likewise.

I am not going to go "quietly into that good night" this time. Last time I had to talk to the board member he counseled me to let it blow over and do nothing. That is not an option this time. There is too much at stake.

I know I need to pray - God is is ultimate control and I will need Him to act in this situation. I am reminded a long time ago of a troll on a forum about depression where I was a co-mod. I was not allowed to ban her unless she stepped over the line, and she was walking the line, but not quite over it so I couldn't ban her. I prayed hard for two days asking God to do one of two things - 1) calm her down so she could become a contributing member of our community, or 2) have her go so berserk that I would have a reason to ban her. Within two days she went completely crazy and I had cause to ban her.

I can still post to my blog via my work e-mail address since I have not been banned from e-mail. The following security text will appear on any blog post done this way:

__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4713 (20091223) __________The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.http://www.eset.com

There is no way to get rid of this. It's automatically appended to all e-mails sent from my work addy. I can't post from my home address because I have to get online to do that.

I binged out of pure stress yesterday - I don't even remember what I ate! I called Brad and he picked me up at work at the end of my shift and took me home. I was too depressed to make it to the gym today and I got a late start so I didn't do any walking.

Prayer are appreciated if you are the praying type. I know God has to be involved in this.

Bad bosses

Calories eaten yesterday: 1355 (I hate that I eat so damn much!)
Fat: 32g (24%)
Carbs: 79g (26%)
Protein: 161g (51%)
Weight this morning: 136.2
Calories burned in exercise today: 190

Went into the City today and got my mail. The property check was there. All of the money is spoken for, including groceries next week. I'm still trying to get Christmas coverage sorted out for Brad and get my birthday off for both of us. Boss J. is being his usual hard ass self - some people don't belong in management because they lack people skills, and J. is one of them. The confirmations that were already sent are not good enough for him and he wants everything confirmed again in exactly the way he wants.

Anyway, he's making it hard for Brad to get off a little early on Christmas, and making it hard for either of us to have my birthday off. So three days before Christmas and I am still pulling my hair out trying to get Brad off even a tiny bit early and still trying to get my birthday covered exactly the way he wants. Damn I wish he's be taken out of management as much as he wants me out of his department. Some people let power go to their heads and he is one of them. :-p

Tomorrow I plan to go to the gym. Thursday is laundry, work, and then I am cooking stuff for Christmas when I get home - cauliflower potatoes and rum cake. Today I picked up some light egg nog for Christmas dinner and Brad already bought us a nice bottle of wine. :)

I'm not proud...I'm simply stating a fact

Calories eaten yesterday: 766
Fat: 6g (8%)
Carbs: 72g (42%)
Protein: 90g (51%)
Weight this morning: 136.6
Calories burned in exercise today: 404

To address a nasty comment I received, no, I'm not proud I have an eating disorder. That's too silly to even bother to address. I am simply stating a fact. It's time to face up to it. I'm not going to stick my head in the sand and pretend it doesn't exist, because it does.

I am proud of my good accomplishments - weight loss, working out, etc. - not something that I didn't choose and don't want! Get real, and please, if you can't say something nice, keep it to yourself.

Today I went to the gym. I'm trying to cut back on weight training and do more cardio, so I spent 30 minutes in the weight room and then did one hour of cardio - 45 minutes on the stairmaster and then 15 minutes on an elliptical. It stopped raining long enough to walk into work from the train. Whew! I am wiped out!

I have an eating disorder.

I have an eating disorder. Yes, me. Get over it. Don't worry too much because Brad and I are sharing an apartment and we both work for the same employer in the same department. We see each other a lot.

According to Wikipedia,(a)n eating disorder is any psychological condition characterized by abnormal eating habits that may involve either insufficient or excessive food intake to the detriment of an individuals physical and emotional health. Eating disorders are estimated to affect 5-10 million females and 1 million males in the United States. Although not yet classified as separate disorder, binge eating disorder is the most common eating disorder in the United States affecting 3.5% of females and 2% of males according to a study by Harvard affiliated McLean Hospital. Bulimia nervosa was the second most common followed by Anorexia nervosa.

I don't quite meet the criteria for Binge Eating Disorder, but I'm close. Wikipedia says, The formal diagnosis criteria are...that subjects must binge at least twice per week for a minimum period of three months. I usually binge about once a week, although lately it has been closer to twice a week with all the holiday stuff going on.

I do seem to fit the criteria for compulsive overeating. Per Wikipedia,
(a)n individual suffering from compulsive overeating disorder engages in frequent episodes of uncontrolled eating, or binging, during which they may feel frenzied or out of control, often consuming food past the point of being comfortably full. Binging in this way is generally followed by feelings of guilt and depression. Unlike individuals with bulimia, compulsive overeaters do not attempt to compensate for their binging with purging behaviors such as fasting, laxative use or vomiting. Compulsive overeaters will typically eat when they are not hungry.

If that isn't me I don't know what is!

I'll do okay for a few days, but then something just takes over. I know one bite of something can be the kiss of death for me. Saturday's binging started with a donut with my breakfast and it went downhill from there. I'll spare you the details, but it was really bad.

I definitely feel out of control when I binge. I simply can't stop and will eat until I'm not just full, but stuffed. Sometimes I eat so much that I get queasy.

Today Brad and went hiking. We hiked in Redwood Park, but had to cut the hike a little short so I could get back to the parking lot where there was a port-a-potty. After that we went to the San Leandro shoreline and walked the 1 mile parcourse. Total walking time was 2 hours and 22 minutes. Walker Tracker tells me that's about 6.9 miles and FitDay says I burned about 357 calories. :)

After the first walk, we went to Costco and bought protein shakes. They have a kind with only casein and whey proteins (no soy), and lots of added vitamins and minerals so they can be used as a meal replacement. I'm thinking of using them as such for breakfast (on non-gym days) and lunch, then have Greek yogurt, cottage cheese, or sardines for dinner. On gym days I of course have my usual whey protein shake before and after my workout. I also need to shoot for about 30g of fat a day, just for good health.

Christmas is coming up so I'll be off plan two days this week (Friday and Saturday), then the week after is New Years so I'll be off plan New Year's Eve (Thursday) and Saturday. Then my birthday 11 days after that (a Monday this year). :-p