A Look Back at 1999: Field of (Broken) Dreams

In grade school I used to think about how old I would be when the millennium turned and I figured I’d be 28 going on 29. Now that time is here. Where have the years gone? I can now easily remember events that took place two decade—decades—ago. But I am here to focus on this last year, not the last 28. I’m doing this without the benefit of going through my journals from the past year, simply because I don’t feel like going through the trouble. So what is written here represents the things that stick out in my own memory.

In contrast to all my past essays—whose very titles always included the word change—this year had remarkably little change. There was a move, to be sure, but the stability that marked this year was unusual. For example, I held the same job all year, at Family Radio.

Speaking of Family Radio, I can’t be sure exactly when I became aware of how much the Statement of Belief issued by Family Radio in the fall of 1998 would effect me. It was either December of 1998 or January of 1999. The late date of all the changes that occurred caused me to say little about this in my essay last year. But there came that time in one of those months where I knew that I would have to sign to be a producer. And I chose not to. That led to me staying on in Network Control, eventually getting the full time overnight shift in the summer of this year. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

In the spring I was kicked out of the place I was living with the lesbian woman. Even though I was only looking for places to sublet in San Francisco, I found a place to live in Oakland. This was difficult for me because I wanted to live in the City so bad. So this was in many ways the end of a dream.

Come to think of it, I gave up a lot of dreams this year. I gave up my dream of being a producer, for either shortwave or domestic (this could have been December, but I’ll not nit-pick). I gave up my dream of being in the City. And I gave up the perfect swing shift offered to me.

It happened like this. In the summer I was moved to the swing shift just in time for Don, who worked the overnight shift, to quit. They moved me to his shift until they could permanently fill it. Right at this point, out of the blue, an idea, a question, that had been percolating in the back of my mind for a long time, came to the fore. I had to know what day of rest the Christian was commanded to keep. I knew that Pastor Innes taught rest on Sundays, and many church members tried to do just that. I had, in fact, been keeping a "Sunday Sabbath" for quite a while, and found it a great time management technique for someone overwhelmed with work and school.

Now I began my search in earnest. I read everything I could get my hands on, and asked lots of questions. I talked to Pastor Sneedin. I did Internet searches. And I finally visited the Bay Area Seventh Day Baptist Church, something I had been meaning to do for a long time and just had "never gotten around to." The pastor there, Pastor Steve, gave me Samuele Bacchiocchi’s book From Sabbath To Sunday. I spent many nights at work pouring over that book and contemplating its message.

Time was short. I had to make a decision, at least a preliminary one, before someone was hired or I would have to work Saturdays. (The shift I had been offered was swing, Tuesday-Saturday.) When I was more sure than not sure, I asked first that when I went to the swing shift, that I be given Friday and Saturday as my days off instead of Sunday and Monday. They said they could not accommodate me. I then asked to be kept on the overnight shift. (This shift was Sunday-Thursday night so it gave me the Sabbath off.) They said they had already hired someone and as soon as his training was complete, I would be transferred to swing. I was told this person could not work swing. That ruined the backup plan I had.

I spent many nights at work crying and praying that things would work out so I could keep the Sabbath. I felt God telling me to sit tight and wait for him. Less than a week before I was to start working Sabbaths, the news came: the guy they hired had not worked out and I could keep the overnight shift if I wanted. I was overjoyed! Though I do not like this shift, I feel it is God’s will for me at this time. That makes it a little easier.

Additionally, since the time I started working at Family Radio I have been moved from one department to another. This move to the graveyard shift marked my first permanent full-time shift in one department. I am grateful for that stability. (Last year I worked full time between two departments, three days a week for Karen, and two nights a week in Network Control. That lasted 8-9 months. This year I worked full time day shift in Network Control, but that was always understood to be temporary.)

Between my work schedule (8-9 months of working Friday and Saturday overnights, leaving me exhausted on Sunday), and people getting married, plus a dearth of pastors at Hamilton leading to a dearth of church-based programs, all added up to a big lack of fellowship. While I loved my church, while a part of me felt I should remain loyal, the need in my soul said otherwise. I wanted out.

I left at a time when two new pastors were just coming on staff and getting to know "the ropes." I left at a time, when, if I would have stayed just a little longer, I may have found a reason to stay. But the damage had already been done. I wanted out and the only thing that remained was to find the way.

I left for six weeks, visiting other area churches, looking for one to join. I thought God was calling me back to Hamilton, so in obedience I went back—for two weeks. That was about the time the SDBs entered the picture, and I left (for what turned out to be) for good. I did not leave over the Sabbath issue; I left over fellowship issues. My needs simply weren’t being met anymore. That may seem selfish. I defend it as self-preservation.

Since the time I began attending the SDB church, I have not left. There was a short transition period of about two weeks, but I was looking for a way out of Hamilton, and this provided that out. I dropped membership at Hamilton in August, and joined the SDB church in September. They are a small church and so the fellowship is wonderful.

I guess a wrap-up of this year wouldn’t be complete without mentioning Mike in passing. I really thought I was in love—actually, yes, I was—and I don’t know what fell apart or why. He only said that we had our issues to work on, and they needed to be worked on separately. He naively said he wanted to just be “friends.” I know that never works out and rejected that. That was early December and we have not spoken since. This is the first time I’ve "dated" (even if it was long distance—we met on the Internet) since I was saved. It is hard to have your heart broken. How do you forgive a brother in Christ for something like that? I dreamed of him being my husband. Now that dream, too, is gone.

After that lowlight of the year, perhaps I should mention the highlight: Charles’ visit in September, and his short layover at the airport two weeks later in October. He was here on business in September and spent a few days here. We got to spend real, good quality time together, the first and likely last time that will happen. But it filled a long-standing desire within me, the desire to spend some time with the dear man who led me to Christ. We spent lots of time talking and one day gallivanting around the City. I came away from that feeling satisfied. God has been gracious to me to give me that time with him, something so long desired, so long denied.

So here I stand wondering where the year went. It always seems so short by the time December comes. And I am also at the edge of a new millennium. What will the millennium bring? If the last year of the old millennium was marked by a lack of change, what of the new year, and—where I will spend the rest of my life—the new millennium? I am aware of the blessing of being alive at this time to see this new millennium come. And I know that whatever happens, whether there is much change or little in 2000, God will be with me through it all.

"Sabbath" & "week"

My friend Joe T. wrote to Dr. Erwin Gane on my behalf in June of 1999. Here is the letter he sent, giving my question and its background.

Mr. Gane,

My name is Joe (deleted). I am a member of the (church name deleted). We met last time you spoke there. I had asked you some questions in regards to Greek and Hebrew and Bible translations.

I have a friend of mine who works for Family Radio. She is struggling with the Sabbath issue. She seems to be leaning towards the seventh day, but has been given information by her co-workers and Mr. Camping’s theology that the following verses she that God changed the Sabbath. They says the Greek translates the true meaning and modern Bibles do not. What do you think of this? What does the Greek say in those verses? I am going to forward this to her ASAP once you have written back.

I appreciate your time with this. I really enjoy when you come to speak at our church. Below are the verses. I do not believe this to be correct. Can you give us input? Anything to help my friend. I know no Greek or Hebrew.

God’s peace to you and your family,

Joe (last name deleted)

Joe continues:

How can Mr. Camping say these are proof texts to change the Sabbath by God?

Matthew 28:1 – Which they say should correctly be translated, “In the end of the Sabbaths (plural) as it began to dawn toward the first of the Sabbaths (instead of “week”), came Mary Magdalene…” They say the word for “Sabbaths” is the same as the word translated “week.”

The other verse references they cite are Mark 16:1-2, Luke 24:1, and John 20:1, which they also cite as being incorrectly translated in the same way.

-------------------------

I received the following e-mail from Joe with Dr. Gane’s response.

Matthew 28:1, “the first day of the week.”

Sabbaton occurs in the New Testament sixty-eight times, and is translated “Sabbath” fifty-nine times, and “week” nine times. These nine references are Matthew 28:1; Mark 16:2; Luke 18:12, 24:1; John 20:1, 19; Acts 20:7; 1 Cor. 16:2.

All Greek scholars, Jewish and Christian, are in agreement as to the correctness of translating sabbaton by “week.” The following authoritative statements are typical:

“WEEK (Hebrew shabua, plural shabu’im, shabu’ot;…New Testament Greek, sabbaton, sabbata: A division of time comprising seven days, thus explaining the Hebrew name.” --The Jewish Encyclopedia, vol. 12, p. 481, art. “Week.”

“The expression hebdomas [a Greek word for ‘week’] is not found in the New Testament, but rather sabbaton (e.g. Luke 18:12) or sabbata (e.g. Matthew 28:1), used, however, in the sense of it.” --Schaff-Herzog Encyclopedia of Religious Knowledge (ed. 1891), vol. 4, p. 2484, art. “Week.”

“Of the two Hebrew names for “week” one is derived from the number seven, and the other is identical with ‘Sabbath,’ the day which completes the Jewish week. The New Testament takes over the latter word, and makes a Greek noun of it.” --Hastings’ Bible Dictionary (ed. 1924), p. 936, art. “Time.”

“The Hebrew shabhua, used in the Old Testament for ‘week,’ is derived from shebha, the word for ‘seven.’ As the seventh day was a day of rest or Sabbath (Hebrew shabbath), this word came to be used for “week,” as appears in the New Testament. (sabbaton, -ta), indicating the period from Sabbath to Sabbath (Matt. 28:1). The same usage is implied in the Old Testament (Lev. 23:15; 25:8).” --The International Standard Bible Encyclopedia (ed. 1915), vol. 5, p. 2982, art. “Time.”

“The plural sabbata…means a week as well as a Sabbath or Sabbaths. (comp. Mark 16:2; Luke 24:1; John 20:1, 19; and Matt. 28:1)…Sabbata in the second clause [of Matthew 28:1] certainly means ‘week’ and not the Sabbath day.” --John Peter Lange, “A Commentary on the Holy Scriptures,” translated by Philip Shaff, comments on Matthew 28:1.

In Luke 18:12 sabbaton must be translated “week” in order to make sense. The Pharisee prayed, “I fast twice in the week [sabbatou].” It would have been foolish for him to say that he fasted twice on the Sabbath. The text makes sense only when sabbatou is translated “week.”

Some have tried to argue that Luke 18:12 should read, “I fast two Sabbaths,” that is, two of the fixed Sabbaths in the year. But the Greek will not permit this. The word dis, translated “twice,” is an adverb, and cannot be properly be translated “two.” In this text, the word sabbatou, translated “week,” is in the singular number, which is never translated by the plural form “Sabbaths” in our English Bible.

Some argue that the Greek word for “day” is not found in the phrase “first day of the week.” The Greek phrase in Matthew 28:1 is mian sabbaton. As far back as 1899 a scholarly Sundaykeeper exploded that argument: “No Greek word for ‘day’ occurs in any of the passages [that is, in Matt. 28:1 and parallel passages]. Made for simple readers of English, that statement lacks candor. Said word is there, latent, to a much greater degree than it is in our phrase, ‘The twenty-fifth of the month.’…The adjectival word mian is in the feminine gender, and an immutable law requires adjective modifiers to agree with their nouns in gender. Sabbaton is of the neuter gender, and out of the question. What feminine Greek word is latent in this phrase, and yet so patent as to reflect upon this adjectival numeral its feminine hue? Plainly the feminine word hemera, ‘day,’ as analogously is found in Mark 14:12, prote hemera ton azumon, ‘the first day of unleavened bread.’ Boldly to aver that ‘no Greek word for “day” occurs in any of these passages,’ is to blind the simple English reader to the fact that an inflected language, by its numerous genders and cases, can indicate the presence and force of latent words to an extent undreamed of in English…

“As a vital or corroboratory part of any argument for the sanctifying of the Lord’s day. This travestied exegesis, instead of being a monumental discovery, is but a monumental blunder. Thereby our foes will have us in derision.” --Dr. Wilbur Fletcher Steele, “Must Syntax Die That the Sabbath May Live?” in the Methodist Review (New York), May-June, 1899.

Prof. A.T. Robertson, D.D., one of the most eminent of modern Greek scholars, completely supports the view that sabbaton is correctly translated “week.” “Now about the case of sabbaton in the New Testament. It is the singular, the transliteration of the Hebrew word Sabbath, which was used for the seventh day of the week, as in John 5:9. The plural sabbata, is a transliteration of the Aramaic sabbatha.

“Curiously enough, the Jews used the plural form in two ways, one way was for a single Sabbath, like the singular sabbaton. So in Josephus…Precisely this usage occurs in the New Testament, as in Luke 4:16, ‘on the Sabbath day,’…

“But the word sabbaton, in the singular, was used also for the week which began [ended: Robertson made this correction in the Expositor, October, 1931.] with the Sabbath. So in Mark 16:9, we have proi prote sabbatou, ‘early on the first day of the week.’ Here proi is an adverb, but prote is a feminine adjective, locative, singular, agreeing with hemera (day) understood, while sabbatou is neuter gender, genitive, singular, so that it is impossible to render this ‘early on the first Sabbath.’ See also Luke 18:12.

“But the plural sabbata is also used for week, as in Luke 24:1. In the preceding verse the singular occurs, to sabbaton, ‘they spent the Sabbath’ the verse next words in verse 1 are te de mia ton sabbaton, ‘on the first day of the week.” There we have mia used as an ordinal like prote, as is common in Koine. The same use of both mia for ‘first’ and the plural sabbaton for ‘week,’ we find in Matthew 28:1; Mark 16:2; John 20:1, 19; Acts 20:7.” --The Expositor, August 1931. [Note: Sabbaton, using an omicron is singular. Sabbaton using an omega is plural.]

The translations of the Bible into the English of the King James Version and the more modern versions have been done by eminent Greek scholars. No reputable Greek scholar will translate Matthew 28:1 by “the first of the Sabbaths,” or “one of the Sabbaths.” For a discussion of the Sabbath question, see my book “You Ask, God Answers.”

poem: Holy Saturday

3/3/99
Holy Saturday (that's the day before Easter Sunday for those who don't know)

Untitled
Camelot evaporates,
Like sun-warmed mist and dew
It disappears.
How am I to understand the pain,
How am I to comprehend it?
How am I to find my place in this world?
I groan, eager for the redemption.
But it is Easter Saturday, and the resurrection has not yet come.
We have only a promise, for
We live out our lives on Saturday.

poem: Soft Butterfly

{Later note: I work for a Christian employer. I wrote this during a particularly hard time at work last winter, my first real experience of seeing how badly Christians could hurt other Christians, whether or not they meant to. The witch hunt against Catholics, Adventists, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, and others touched everybody in one way or another. It was only by the grace of God my job was spared. This was a time of testing for me as I was confronted with hard choices of God and career and faith. I can see God's hand protecting me every step of the way. Sometimes He allows things to happen that are not His perfect will, but He will walk beside us. "I will never leave you nor forsake you." I praise Him for this promise.}

Soft Butterfly
Darkness flutters down landing
Soft on my shoulders,
Weighing like brick, crushing.
Anger rises to meet the darkness,
Fear swells.
I let it wash over me,
Exulting in merely being.
It covers, smothers, passes.
I cry,
Standing alone in my conviction, alone in my pain.
I thought there were no more tears--
I was wrong.
I thought my own brothers and sisters would not hurt me--
I was a fool.
We pay a price when we trust in circumstances
Instead of in God,
In others
Instead of in Christ,
In ourselves
Instead of in the Spirit.
Heal the pain, oh great Jehovah!
Give me peace
And teach me to forgive
As I have been forgiven, for
Darkness has fluttered down landing
Soft on my shoulders.

poem: Paper Swords

{Later note: For Sylvia, Bob, and Gerry. They lost their jobs for refusing to sign the "Statement of Belief." God will honor their faithfulness to their consciences and convictions.}

Paper Swords
Why do we hurt each other, why do we backstab so,
How can children of the living God decide to stoop so low?
Deprive them of their livelihood, though all good people they,
I have to wonder, if He were here--what would Jesus say?

Chorus:
They will know us by our love I'm told, who do we act so cold
To sisters and brothers in the Lord, to wound with a paper sword?
Yes, kill them with a paper sword.

Storms beset and fears assail, our faith is tested much.
We feel alone on a wave-filled sea, longing for a touch.
Be still and know there is a God, and wait for Him to save,
He will carry, guide, and lead, with His rod and stave.

Chorus

I know you feel betrayed and hurt by your flesh and blood,
And they are His and so their sin is covered in the flood.
But for you the flood is fearful, bitter tears.
Wait on the Lord for He has shown faithfulness through the years.

Chorus

Grace, oh what scandal, what a risk to take on sin!
A holy God did condescend, His Spirit dwells within,
He plays no favorites, but forgives each of us the same,
Not for us or for our sakes, but for the glory of His name.

Chorus

poem: Evening Stillness

Evening Stillness
And it was all over--
I knew it.
But there were no tears to be shed,
No eulogies to be said.
No, it began in anger, but ended in a
Stifling silence.
There was nothing left to say.
Like a snake we shouldn't have played with
It wrapped itself around our bellies,
Our hearts,
Our eyes,
Our ears,
Our lives.
We died so slowly that we did not know we were dead.
It blinded, deafened, hardened.
Why do we fight?
Dead people lie still.

poem: Out of the Darkness

Out of the Darkness
In the shadow of the past, oh, that dark and dreary place!
Jesus' blood pled o'er me, He my righteous case.
Here's where darkness overcame, this place is the start,
Where demons came and won a battle for this human heart.

So far was I from the Son that day, so far and yet so near,
But Satan came, pulled me away, so I would not even hear.
He took me to a place of his, a place bereft of light,
He thought the vict'ry won, he did; I lived years within the night.

First Chorus:

For shadows of the past there is but one remedy,
Only Christ can come, enlighten, and cause the blind to see.

Christ came and chased me as a hound after the prey,
Intent on chasing from the dark into the light of day.
And so He came, nipped at my heels, and put me on the run,
But you can't outrun the Hound of Heaven, you can't outrun the Son.

Second Chorus:

Please don't shut Him out, oh no, don't turn from light of day,
He is our Hope, Creator, Friend, the Life, the Truth, the Way.

And so I gave my heart to Him; He heard and did draw near,
And in that place of holy light, the shadows disappear.
The darkness lost the war for me, though winning at the start,
I am His and He is mine, He owns this human heart.
Yes, I am His and He is mine, he owns my human heart.

poem: Dancing With the Devil

Dancing With the Devil
I cannot do it on my own, I cannot see the way,
I cannot walk the path alone and hope to find the day.
Rebelliousness resides in me, a heart of stone have I,
I cannot change it on my own, and to my old self die.

A part of me loves the night, shrinks away from holy Light,
Intent on living for itself, it gives up eternal wealth.
I hate the darkness in my heart, the sin that keeps and holds apart
Me from all Your grace and love, showered on me from above.

Lord, You know what I have done, worshipped Satan, just for fun!
Spurned Your love and spurned Your care, listened to the devil's dare--
A dare to live just for myself, and put my God up on the shelf,
Then take Him down once a week and for His face halfheartedly seek.

Dancing darkness, devil's lies, not You, Lord, but "me" and "I,"
Putting self in center true, is Satan's want and leaves out You.
Overcome this stubborn heart, heart of stone to break apart,
Putting flesh within its place, and filling me with holy grace.

poem: Someday

Someday
Someday the pain and tears will be over,
Someday the work will be done, the harvest in,
Someday, yes someday, the faith will be sight,
Glad faces turned upward in joy of hope fulfilled.
Then our final good-byes will become hellos -
The grave has not triumphed,
Death has itself had death imposed -
Then we who toiled in the heat of the day,
Side by side or miles apart,
Will rest together in the shade of our Lord's presence.
I have many people I will look for.
Some will be surprised I am there.
I can't wait to see their faces -
"You? You made it here? Oh, God is so good!"
Yes. Oh, yes. Our Lord is wonderful.
And we will rejoice.
Others will be friends I have not seen in years.
I will find the lovely man who led me to Christ.
There, at the foot of our Savior
We will do together what in life we had always done apart.
Worship.
In that great someday the only tears shed will be of
Joy, the only worship will be of
Christ, the only life will be
Eternal.
Someday, my friend, we will meet and greet,
Live and love,
Joy and delight,
At the foot of
Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

poem: Thorns and Scarlet

Thorns and Scarlet

Out of slavery, out of sin, out of Egypt, enter in.
You our God and You our stay, You our Savior light the way.
Blood of lambs upon our door, that the wrath of God won't pour
On our homes, but rather save, redeem us when we were a slave.

And then You came and taught in love, the glories of the One above.
You came rebuked, reproved, and taught, and wept with sorrow as You sought
All the lost, too numb too feel; show them love that You may heal
Their hurts and failings of the past, as You put death to death at last.

So thorns and scarlet wrap around, You let Your hands and wrists be bound,
Beaten, spat on, mocked that day, the Son of God our crimes did pay.
I cannot fathom love that fierce, love that would His own hands pierce.
God let His anger fall on His Son, until He cried out, "It is done!"

All glory to God and God alone, the God who loved and did atone
For things that we should have to pay, but for us in love did lay
Down His life that we may live, through the Son He did forgive
All we've caused, pain and strife, and gave instead eternal life!


(With thanks to Shantyman magazine for the title.)

Lessons of the Labyrinth

I wrote this for a writing contest for a now-defunct devotional for high school and college students called Campus Journal. What has replaced it is Our Journey, a devotional available by paid subscription only. It was put out by RBC Ministries, and is now published by Walk in the Word.

This was written sometime in the Spring of 1998, so I'm sticking it here as a rough guess.

Here's the other contest entry I wrote.

----------

Read: Psalm 46
Verse: "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding." --Proverbs 3:5

In Vacaville, California there is a huge maze called the Wooz. The point is to get through it, hitting each of the four towers, in a certain amount of time. It's tricky because it's so easy to get lost, backtrack the wrong direction, or otherwise wander aimlessly.

Sometimes our lives seem like a maze, and at those times it can be difficult to trust God. Your boyfriend breaks up with you, you don't get the classes you want, you're turned down for the perfect job. The medieval symbol of the labyrinth offers insight into these contemporary problems.

I walked a labyrinth once. It showed me things about life and trusting God.

• The labyrinth I walked had no dead ends, no way to get lost. In this way, it differed from the Wooz. Christ at the center was the only and inevitable conclusion. Once Christ finds us we can't be lost again (John 10:28).
• The room was dark and votive candles let the path. Sometimes our lives seem dark, but when we trust God we are given enough light to know the next step, and the next.
• When life's pathways twist and turn and we can't see very far ahead, we need to remember that God is with us in our struggles. He cares. He can see the big picture. He has plans for our lives (Jeremiah 29:11).

We must choose to trust Him, even when all evidence says He can't be trusted. Proverbs 3:5 says "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."

It might seem that, like the Wooz, your life is a maze right now, but rest assured that if you are a Christian you are on a journey that ends at only one place - Jesus. Will you take the challenge and trust Him in the storms of your life today?


Reflection

Do I feel lost in a maze, or safely on the labyrinth's path with Christ?

How has God showed His love for me? Is that a love I can trust with my life?

In what areas of my life am I having difficulty trusting God? How can I begin to trust Him today?

Hired at Family Radio

I'm writing this way after the fact, but this is just a "placeholder" post so that I know what day I was hired at Family Radio. I talked to Louise downstairs and she said it was March 27, 1998. :)

poem: Evangelism

Evangelism
Lives of quiet desperation, crying for a sure salvation.
Darkened hearts and darkened thoughts, knowing not what should be sought.
They stumble in an aimless maze, afraid to peer through holy haze.
They live and work and die in vain, never knowing One who came
To save from sin and pain and woe, defeating Satan's final blow.

Surely I am not this bad, surely my state not so sad!
But at the cross I kneel and see, any sin's too much for Thee.
I have hurt and sinned and lied; You have loved so You have died
For everyone upon this earth, offering a second birth.
Touch me, Lord, and heal my sin; bow my heart and enter in.

poem: Psalm

{Later note: I wrote this after being laid off from my job at the college bookstore, a job I actually liked. It was a temporary job, but everyone knew that a few lucky people would get to stay, and I prayed that I'd be one of them. Instead, after making it through the first round of layoffs, I was caught in the second, and had to go back to my old job at McDonald's, which I hated.

What I didn't know at the time--had no way of knowing--was that if I had gotten a permanent position at the bookstore, it would have been very difficult, if not impossible, to transition into my job at Family Radio. They would have fired me. McDonald's, desperate as they are for help, would not fire me, and put up with all of my "I can't come to work tomorrow because my other job wants me" shenanigans. It was only with hindsight that I could see it was God's goodness that I was laid off from the bookstore. However, I wrote this before I knew all that.}

Psalm
Yet I will praise Him...

Though my life changes
And hope is crushed,
Though He gives only to take,
Though dreams are shattered
By nightmare's dark ride,
Yet I will praise Him.

Though darkness' flood overwhelms
And I drown in despair,
Though God's gentle hand becomes rough
And I am crushed under the weight,
Though only starlight lights the path
And the sun has fled,
Yet I will praise Him.

Though friends be far and will not talk
So that I must cry alone,
Though my thoughts tell me all is lost
And dark voices assail my ears,
Though God's hand seems to be against me
And trust is tested,
Yet I will praise Him.

For this I call to mind:
His mighty deeds for my ancestors,
His past mercies toward me,
And most of all, His grace revealed in
Salvation.
For though even life has lost its appeal,
I will rejoice in my salvation
Which cannot be lost like a job,
Or trampled underfoot like hope,
But shall remain.
So, though all seems lost,
Yet I will praise Him
For my redemption through Christ's blood.

Yes, I will praise Him.

poem: Yesterday's Wine

{Later note: Coming down from the high of the Billy Graham Crusade, I found myself in much the same place spiritually as before, yet with a love for God in my heart I had not known before.}

Yesterday's Wine
I tasted tomorrow,
The food of heaven, the wine of the Lord.
I woke up, gazing anew in Your eyes,
Seeing You for the millionth time, yet the first.
Waking from the dream of my own desires,
To who I am in You, who I can be with Your help.

Lord, why have You given me this,
Blessed me with these gifts?
I who profane Your name with my disobedience,
Spurn Your love with my self-sufficiency.
How can You love when I return hate?
How can You, why do You, love me?

Like Camelot, the gift fell through my fingers like sand,
Fading as reality fades into a dream, like falling back asleep.
But there is a new purpose in my heart, a love not beating there before because
I tasted tomorrow.
Yet now I find myself empty,
Drinking the bitter dregs of the wine of yesterday.

poem: Heartsong - For My Dad

Heartsong--For My Dad
This book of fairy tales to you, a book of truth to me,
Full of hopeful promises of all that I can be.
Promises, yes promises, this thing, yes it is sure,
His aspirations and His love are beautiful and pure.

Chorus:

Lord God draw him near to You, as You did so with me,
Open his eyes, open his heart, and cause him now to see
That there is life after death, for salvation only one Name,
Jesus, yes Jesus, our only Redeemer, now and forever the same.

Yes, Dad, this "pack of lies" to you, is truth to friends and I,
Calling me out from myself, and calling self to die.
This book was written by "ignorant men"--that's what you have said,
There is no truth contained within; God's Word, yes, it is dead.

Chorus

The prophets, kings, and heroes, looked forward to the One,
They prophesied and promised a time that was to come
When truth and fiction would collide--all people then would know
Whose word would stand in this land, and death would be laid low.

Chorus

Daddy, I can't make you know, or force you now to see
That God's Word lives on within my heart--it's at the core of me.
I wait in living hope for you; I wait in living fear
That you would come to know the One, and He would draw you near.

Final Chorus:

Lord God draw him near to You, as You did so with me,
Open his eyes, open his heart, and cause him now to see
That there is life after death, for salvation only one Name,
Jesus, yes Jesus, our only Redeemer, now and forever the same.
Jesus, yes Jesus, our only Redeemer, now and forever the same.

poem: Story

Story
He let me go, gave freely o'er, to the one who could devour
All I am and was, could be, sinking soul, endless sea.
Despair and darkness close around, hearing darkness, seeing sound.
It was then they thought they'd won, this little one would see no Son.

It must have been a great surprise the day that I suspected lies.
The day I prayed and asked for light, and He began to give me sight.
Though consciously I didn't know why, I knew through prayer that I must try
To ask Him who He is and more--to know Him through the open door.

Though I deserved to be reprimanded, He through music apprehended,
Made me question, made me doubt, all my knowledge sure and stout.
Came after me when I ran, chasing me--the Son of Man!
God of hatred, so I thought; now God of love--He has sought.

Fateful night, through confession, in Him I have found remission.
He has sought and bought me from the one who'd keep me from the Son.
Mortal lips, simple words, yet He came as He heard
Me speak and say I wanted Him in my heart to save from sin.

poem: To See With New Eyes

To See With New Eyes
To know the dark truth, to see with new eyes,
Once swimming in darkness, 'midst islands of lies.
What once seemed light, now seen in truth,
Dawning in old age, setting in youth.
Shutting my eyes against God's truthful plan,
Self-imposed darkness, the death of a man.
I lived in that darkness! I think in disgust,
I loved it and lived it to satiate lust
For things so much lower; I couldn't conceive,
Of His love and plan, yet He did not leave.
Running at night till the darkness seemed day,
Will He yet love me, and will He remain?
New eyes and spirit, new truth to see,
Unrighteousness, sinfulness, is the old me.
Anger and shame, I can't lose myself,
Truth in the darkness, recover my health.
Swimming in silence and dancing in rain,
Squirming in pleasure, exulting in pain.

Come In From the Cold

I wrote this for a writing contest for a now-defunct devotional for high school and college students called Campus Journal. What has replaced it is Our Journey, a devotional available by paid subscription only. It was put out by RBC Ministries, and is now published by Walk in the Word.

This was written sometime in the Spring of 1997, so I'm sticking it here as a rough guess.

Here's the other contest entry I wrote.

----------

Read: Hosea 14:1-4

Have you ever run away from home? Have you felt like your parents just didn't understand and you wanted to leave? I tried once, but when it started getting dark I got scared and returned. The fear of the approaching darkness and cold was more than I could take.

While few of us have ever run away from our earthly parents, all of us have run from God our Father at one time or another. Sin and shame have kept us from coming to God and calling Him Abba - Daddy.

God is our Father and He has adopted us into His family. Adoption=redemption. In the New Testament this is even more vividly illustrated. Through Jesus the way has been opened for us to return and stand directly before God.

The author of Hebrews wrote, "Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need" (Hebrews 4:16).

There are two things to remember. One, God is our Father. We have done nothing to earn His love, and we can do nothing to lose it.

Two, when we mess up, all we must do is come to God humbly, and with confidence that He will forgive.

Make time for God is your life, time for prayer and Bible study. God likes being with us, and wants you to get to know Him better. Talk to Him, and listen to Him through His word.

Have you run away from God? Living with sin is like the darkness and cold of night. If you are tired of running, God Himself extends an invitation to you: Come home. God is extending His hand, waiting to warm you in His arms. Won't you come in from the cold?


Reflection

Am I running from God? Do I think there is any place I can hide from Him?

What other gods (work, friends, school) are distracting me from taking time for God? Where is God calling me to a closer relationship with Him?

poem: Easter

3/30/97
Easter Sunday

Easter

E very "god" that's ever been wants our worship and our love, but
A t the sunrise of this day, only Christ shows God above.
S unrise, daybreak, reassurance of completed sacrifice,
T riumpth over grave and Satan, this atonement shall suffice.
E arly on this happy morning, all their mourning turned around,
R isen! Alleluia! Risen! Let reconciliation sound.

poem: Staying the Course: A Poem for Maundy Thursday

3/27/97
Maundy Thursday

Staying the Course: A Poem for Maundy Thursday
You gave us gifts that we misused, You gave us gifts, Your name to praise,
And yet we turned, misused your gifts, and grieve You so all of our days.
In You is hope and happiness, in You made, in You must be,
In You our only hope salvation, laying Your body on the tree.
In grieving You we grieve ourselves, You are our sustenance and love,
You come to us in condescension; glory to the God above!

On the night of Your betrayal, You could have left and run away,
Instead You prayed, stayed in the garden, willing that our sins be laid
On You instead of those deserving - us, the wretched and the lost,
You did the Father's will and bidding - came as man and paid the cost.
They came and took You from the garden to trial, cross, and finally grave,
You bore our sins and our transgressions, in Your love You came to save.

Love like this beyond my grasping, love this strong, and love this fierce,
Love that loves us as we're sinning, Love that shall His own hands pierce.
Love that long to reconcile, even as we turn from light,
It's never too late to re-embrace Him, turn from darkness and the night.
His cup of suffering now becomes the cup of our salvation through
Him who loves us and redeemed us - there's nothing more that's left to do!

poem: When I Can't Seek You

When I Can't Seek You
Burning, burning in the night; crying embers, dying light.
Burning passion in my soul; longing, yearning, make me whole.
Father, Spirit, through your Son, render sinless little one.
I am needful, weak with pride, unmindful of the One who died.

I don't pray and so I fear, that You in anger won't draw near:
I don't talk, I don't ask, that in Your Presence may I bask.
I don't intercede or pray, asking for a better day.
I don't act as Your child; I am yet untamed and wild.

I don't love You so I fear that You in anger won't draw near.
How can You love, how can You lead, so slowly; I am not Your speed.
How can You reach into the dark, illuminate with holy spark?
How can You love one such as me; how can You hear, how can You see?

Father, fill me, lift me up, and I shall take and drink the cup.
Sweet grapes, bitter wine, cup of suffering now is mine.
Oh to run and hide my eyes; oh to listen to the lies!
But He loves me, I must return; let His love within me burn.

Burning, burning in the night; crying embers, dying light.
Burning passion in my soul; longing, yearning, make me whole.
Father, Spirit, through your Son, render sinless little one.
I am needful, weak with pride; do not let me longer hide.

poem: The Touch

The Touch
Sonshine breaks over an icy heart,
As when first frozen, the Sonlight now hurts.
Inside is stone, the result of many years of pain.
She did it, and I let her.
I gave myself to her, to her who could love naught
But power.
So I am afraid, I cannot trust.
He says the pain is necessary.
Yet I fear.

"But the Sonlight cannot melt the stone," I think.
I hide in the rock of my heart,
Never seeing the true Rock.
A form emerges from the Light.
I cannot see Him, but I see His chisel.
He has come to break me.
"I will break, but then remake," He says.
I do not trust.
Why should I, after how she hurt me?

Then I feel it,
The feeling that cannot be explained away, or
Denied.
The feeling so overpowering that I let Him move toward me
With the chisel. The feeling
Beyond words. The feeling
Beyond fear. The feeling
Beyond feeling to
Truth,
The truth of love.

poem: David, Why?

For David Nadel, who was shot and killed outside Ashkenaz, the dance club he owned.

David, Why?
What, oh what, your lot in life?
Why was it so filled with strife?
Why must the meek die by the knife?
And why did you have to go?

The good die young they say to me,
But I don't know why it had to be
That you wing you way o'er the crystal sea,
And why did you have to go?

In its season violence gains,
Until the Lord of all shall tame,
But until that time we have the pain.
Oh, why did you have to go?

You fought for the Park through thick and thin,
You fought and swore you'd never give in,
You fought for the way it had always been
Oh, why did you have to go?
David, why did you have to go?

poem: My First Christmas

My First Christmas
Advent ends and He is born, in a manger so forlorn.
Messiah as a Babe arrives, born to us to save our lives.
Giving up His splendor true, all for us to make us new.
Though divine He puts on flesh, all for us to make us fresh
And new in heart and mind and soul. He came to us to make us whole.
Yes, when time was full God's Son was sent, to mend and heal what we had rent.

When we were faithless, He fulfilled. He was holy, yet we killed
Him in our ignorance, with our sin, yet He wants to enter in
To our heart and minds to mend, far from us our sin to send.
As a Babe He comes in love, fully man, yet God above.
He came down--His Father's will. He came down--His blood to spill.
For our lives He came and sought, through this Babe our lives were bought.

In happiness, yet sadness, too, the Father cries out, cries out for you.
On that first Christmas Day, the Father wept as if to say,
"Unworthy children though you are, though truth from you is very far,
Though I weep at My Son's birth, knowing He will die on earth,
Joy yet sparkles in my eyes, for I know through His demise,
Sinners will I welcome warm, through what begins this Christmas morn."

poem: Who Is She?

11/6/96
last verse 12/4/96

[It was between these dates that the goddess' personal pronoun "She" became just "she." It was during this time that I came to the conclusion that she was not a god. I needed to know this in order to fully give myself to God.

This poem begins with me asking who she is, and ends when God gives me the answer.]

Who Is She?
I was once a child of night, thinking that I dwelt in light,
And yet the God of Light did come, and the Son eclipsed the Sun.
Calling, calling, always clear; calling, calling, ever near,
Saying what must be said for change; moving moving - rearrange.

I call out to earth and sky; I call out my doubts must die.
What¹s the lie and what is true, who is She and who are You?
Will You answer, One of Day, will You speak and will You say,
Who She is and what You've done, conquer Her with Light of Son?

I called out to earth and sky; I called out my doubts must die.
And You came and spoke to me, from Your word You broke to me
The news of what She is so true; She is not at all like You.
She is demon, You divine; I give Her up - You are mine!

poem: The Prodigal

11/13/96
11/20/96

The Prodigal
Failing, failing, every day; looking, looking, where's the way?
Choosing, choosing, guidance not; suff'ring, suff'ring, this my lot.
Searching, searching, ever night; thinking, thinking, I stood in light.
Coming, coming, You stood near; holding, hugging, make love clear.

Chorus:
For life is a struggle with pain and with sin,
But all we must do is let Jesus in.
Ask Him into out black, sinful hearts,
Praise be to Him who died, took out part.

Yes now I see much better true; You've known me, now I know You.
Loving me out from the dark, with the Spirit's hold spark.
Giving, living, patient cross; crying, dying, gain or loss?
Losing fear within Your love, finding peace in you above.

Chorus

Take me, take me, offer up; tasting, drinking, from the cup.
Drinking, eating, wine and bread; "Follow me," You have said.
Offer on the altar I; for life in You, self must die.
Praying to You within my fear, sensing You so very near.

Final Chorus:
Yes, life is a struggle with pain and with sin,
Yet all we must do is let Jesus in.
Through Him we are made pure of heart,
Praise be to Him who died, took our part.
Yes, praise be to Him who died, took our part.

Church Search, Week 24

Sixth months today I became a Christian. I was expecting to go to the Episcopal Church today, but two Muni metros just never showed. When the third showed up at 10:04 and said he was taking a 20 minute break, I knew I couldn't get to St. Francis' until after 10:30. I decided on plan B.

Plan B is to go to the Assembly of God church two blocks from Balboa Park where I normally transfer busses. So no St. Francis' today. But I have to go to church. I've been meaning to come here anyway. I guess I've just been waiting for the busses to get messed up like this. Otherwise I never would have come. It pisses me off because I'm tired of searching and I don't like having my schedule thrown off. Besides, being my six month anniversary and how it just happens to fall on a Sunday, it's supposed to be a good day.

Week 24: Community Assembly of God

Somewhat pentecostal. I felt good about them until the pastor explicitly endorses the Toronto Blessing and the Pensacola Outpouring. I've just been influenced too much by the Bible Answer Man. So I can't come back here. It's not that good anyway.

The sanctuary fits about 900 people, but there's much fewer people than that. Not real packed at all.

The preacher yelled and talked very fast during the sermon.

Why did things happen the way they did to bring me to a place like this this morning?

6 months

This Sunday marks 6 months for me of being a Christian. 6 months since I turned my life over to God. What have I accomplished? How have I grown? In what ways am I taking from the Christian community, and in what ways giving? How am I doing?

poem: The Rock

The Rock
Epiphanies fade.
Like dust blown away in the wind the
Memory cannot be recalled.
Was it real?
Though the memory is gone,
Leaving only the faintest ripples
Of a stone long since thrown, the
Effects linger.
The lake,
Though looking the same to the untrained eye,
Is forever different.
Outwardly the same,
Inside, forever changed.
Something new has been placed within:
The smallest thing,
A tiny pebble of purest love.
A stumbling block to those
Who do not comprehend,
But to me a stone of love to
Soften my heart of stone.

Church Search, Weeks 22 and 23

Weeks 22 and 23: St. Francis'

Who is the Goddess? Who is this Spirit that I have gotten to know so well, only to leave behind? Who is she?! Is She Divine, or demonic? What is Her true nature? Why was She there sometimes when I needed Her, but not other times?

poem: Between

October 18-19, 1996

Between
I want to leave God--
Party, get drunk, have fun;
Laugh, talk of inconsequential things;
Dance wildly by firelight as the moon and stars look on.
I want to live for myself.

I want to worship--
In the old ways,
Listen to the spirits in the babbling brooks,
Pour out libations by moonlight,
Revel in worship and worship in revelry.
I want to live for other gods.

But

I know He wants me to come back,
Worship in the old ways of Israel
As they entered the Promised Land;
Worship in the old ways of Jesus
As He lived for God, and died for me.

He wants me to listen to Him,
Pour out myself in libation,
Revel in Him, and in Him find happiness;
He wants me to live for Him.

Quake anniversary, and dream

Seventh anniversary of Loma Prieta quake.

I had kind of a weird dream last night, and its symbolism is compelling enough to record here. I'll write what little I remember. I had 2 snakes in a container of some sort. I picked up one carefully, one hand on its neck so it couldn't bite me. I showed this snake to another person, a man I think, who somehow got it angry. It tried to bite me, but I had a good hold on it. I controlled it until I was able to drop it back in its box. It wasn't thrashing too hard anyway. I was only afraid for a minute that it would get away. That's all I remember.

poem: Desire

Desire
In the sweetness of the longing, in the bitter of the sigh,
In the atmosphere and firelight, I listen to the lie:
That the path is clearly seen, and the sun shines on the Way,
The moon is just illusion; this is really light of day.

In the decisions and the choices of choosing right from wrong,
I listen for some guidance, and hear an age-old song,
Of dancing by the fire and running in the hills,
Of revelry being worship, an emptiness to fill.

In the darkness of the chamber where the molten lava flows,
I hide myself from myself, and yet He knows, He knows.
In the coldness of the embers, or the pain of iron hands,
He pushes and cajoles me, whispering a Promised Land.

But then the sound of slippered footsteps, a music in my ear,
A touch upon my shoulder - ­She is so very near.
Whispering Her promises by day or dark of night,
She promises Her love and more, embracing me in light.

Yes, even He most powerful of any ever been,
Cannot keep one single one from slipping into sin.
Even He, most powerful, of all the earth and sky,
Cannot keep me, a little one, from listening to a lie.

At SCA October Crown. The spirits are here.

Daughters of Diana

"Daughters of Diana." This phrase "came to me" during World Mythology. We were not studying Greek Mythology. I jotted the phrase down and would now like to finally make some notes about it.

I would say I used to be a daughter of Diana. I was always very big on the moon aspect of the Goddess. I even did a ritual with B. out at the Diana statue in that one park.

But I am a daughter of Diana no more. I am now a daughter of Jehovah/El Shaddai. May He always protect, guide, and love me. May He never leave or abandon me.

Church Search, Week 21

Week 21: St. Francis' Episcopal (8th visit)

Church Search, Week 20

Autumnal Equinox

Week 20: St. Francis' Episcopal (7th visit)

Discipleship, and a broken Bible

Yesterday night at discipleship Deborah stated that she had seen people struggle with drugs and alcohol and such, but never seen someone who's struggles were so much in the spiritual realm. (This was just after I had explained the struggles of the past week and the lessons that had come up in the Campus Journal devotional.)

Last night the longing for Pagan things was so bad, and I was angry at God a bit for both the longing and that He's taken it all from me, I decided to throw my Bible against my bookcase to vent steam. After a few tosses I noticed the front cover was starting to tear off. This pissed me off so I gave it a toss against a wall. The front and back cover - the whole thing - tore off! I had maimed a Bible - a holy book. I glued the side/back cover back on, and taped the front cover to it. But it is permanently scarred.

Church Search, Week 19

Week 19: St. Francis' Episcopal (6th visit)

The old UU Church

Talk to Margot at the UU Church today basically explaining why I haven't been around. She was very understanding and gave me good advice to stay a member there until I find another church, and not to do anything too hastily. I assured her I wasn't going to rush anything. It was a good talk and she did seem genuinely interested in my well being rather than keeping me as a member.

God on the Internet

(Posted to the Internet newsgroup "soc.religion.christian" on September 9, 1996. It is Charles' story, and it is time that I dust the cobwebs off of it, and give him his voice once more. It is time for others to once again see his view of my conversion. It is very different from mine, and therefore adds to my story, giving it a richness and depth that it could not have standing alone. My story from my perspective can be found here. )


God on the Internet

This is the story of the salvation of a young woman, Victoria, and how she came to know Christ. Contacts offered by an Internet e-mail list played a significant part in this, as did the forum offered by "soc.religion.christian" (a Christian newsgroup). This is an occasion where God has seen fit to use the Internet to His ends.

Charles joined the mailing list in the summer of 1995, and was a member for six months. A brief thread on witnessing to co-workers prompted the formation of a four-member virtual prayer group. It is in existence today. They pray for the needs of others, and provide advice as needed.

That prayer group played a significant role in a Wiccan Witch coming to Jesus Christ. It did so by praying for her salvation, and offering advice and prayers of support regarding the spiritual pressures that arose in Charles' home during (and after) this process.

A brief background may be helpful. Victoria attended a Christian church, but left it for a variety of reasons. First, the image of God she was presented was that of a vengeful, angry killjoy who was constantly disgusted at sinful humanity, and only tolerated us because He had beat up on His Son, Jesus, at the cross. Second, God wanted more than she could give--demanded too much obedience. Grace was noticeably absent from this picture. She was a Pharisee, trying to observe the letter of the law but missing the spirit (and the point!). Third, she had been tricked by Satan into believing she had committed the unforgivable sin.

Not surprisingly, this image of God did not appeal. She left the church, and after some searching became involved first with the New Age and then with Wicca. She was dedicated to the Pagan path four year ago, and initiated as a practicing Witch three years ago.

God was slowly working with her to heal the hurts the she had received from the church, and her anger at Him. A couple years ago she befriended a Christian woman who made a great impact on her simply by showing her Christian love. Several months ago she met another Christian, this time on the Internet, and had extensive contact with him. Due to her academic interest in Christianity, she took a few courses in undergraduate studies at university, and "tuned in" to soc.religion.christian (or s.r.c. for short).

God hooked Victoria and Charles up in February 1996 on s.r.c. They began to have conversations on salvation (she brought the subject up in the context of hell), and the spiritual pressures at Charles' home began to increase. That's when he told the virtual prayer group of the situation, and they began to pray for an end to the pressure, as well as for salvation for her. The prayers certainly helped--although the pressures escalated for a time, they finally waned.

The turning point in their correspondence came when they became friends (Charles does not bestow this title cavalierly). Victoria ceased to be "the Witch with whom Charles is having theological discussions," and became "his friend, who sees things differently in some crucial areas." They discussed their respective struggles regarding God, both past and current. Far from destroying Charles' witness for Christ, his admission of his struggles and rebellious tendencies played a role in showing Victoria the reality of Christ in his life.

Although Victoria was not really aware of it, God was drawing her strongly. At the end of March she passed up two Pagan events to attend a Christian concert (though at the time she was hardly aware she had scheduled it this way). At the concert she clearly sensed the presence of God, and the love she felt made her rethink her image of Him as an uncaring despot. She could then sense Him calling her, which she resisted strongly. While her soul longed for God, her will resisted giving up control to Him. Victoria and Charles corresponded at length on this, with their prior discussion of Charles' struggles setting the stage for her to share her own.

One part of the search involved a Roman Catholic book outlining the fundamentals of Christianity. It said that God had come Himself to personally bear the consequences of our sins, rather than simply beating up on His Son. God continued to draw her in several ways, and even used a bad period in Charles' life to produce an uncharacteristically blunt charge that she stop explaining away the appearance of God and face His calls.

Finally, after 4 1/2 weeks of intense struggle and a great deal of thought, Victoria phoned Charles and asked him to pray with her. At about 6:45 p.m. on Friday, May 3rd (1996), God gave him the privilege of leading a Wiccan Witch to Jesus Christ. It was four years to the day from her dedication into the Pagan path--to the very day.

The changes since her conversion have been dramatic. She no longer considers herself a Wiccan, and has dismantled her Pagan altar. She has been spending a great deal of time and energy searching out local Christian contacts, and a church to join. She has been baptized. On the more mundane side, she is getting along better with her boss at work. The tone of her notes displays more peace, even though her external circumstances are far more stressful than before her commitment to Jesus. As an added bonus, God provided an opportunity for them to meet briefly three weeks to the day after her conversion, when Charles had an airline connection through her city.

Charles would like to thank the prayer group for its efforts, and to let the members know that God has used them for His purposes. We would both like to encourage those who are telling others about Jesus Christ on the Internet that their efforts are not in vain. The seeds planted electronically do indeed bear fruit. Finally, we seek to glorify God, not ourselves. He can indeed work in any situation, and we are very aware of Whose hand was behind every step in this process.

Your brother and sister in Christ,
Charles Scott
Victoria Shephard

Link: http://home.earthlink.net/~second_coming/charles.html

Church Search, Week 18

Week 18: San Francisco Christian Center

black; Pentacostal (more so than Vineyard)

The serivce was at 8 a.m. so I wasn't terrible awake. It could/would have been vastly improved if I had had some coffee before.

This place is more Pentacostal/Charismatic than Vineyard. But unlike Vineyard, this one is seems that it might be more firmly rooted in Scripture. There was speaking in tongues, some ecstatic dancing, praying over people, even some people falling backwards because of the praying. Lots of people raising their hands in praise.

The search may have to go on, but I am tired, of so tired. Yes I'm getting an education but I'm tired. I want to find a church (or a couple) and concentrate on getting to know them better.

poem: The Final Good-Bye

The Final Good-Bye
Lights shimmer and dance off the night air,
Dancing like the memories in my heart,
Dancing a dirge of moments past
That will never be again.
Dancing a dance of death,
Mocking love, mocking me, mocking everything.

The memories remain,
Unwilling to let me go numb.
As sticky as thick, I move through them
Tears streaming down my cheeks
As I remember.
But even as I say
I wish it had never been
What I am really saying is
I wish it had not been necessary.
Yet needed or no, the pain remains.

But even as I stare out the window,
Swimming through the memories--
Memories I can move through, yet dense and unchanging as God Himself--
I know that the answer is not out there.
God speaks the answer to my heart
Beneath the pain used to cover the truth:
I wish it had never been.
What I am really saying is
I wish it had not been necessary.

Church Search, Week 17, and Bernie Ward

(September 1) Weel 17: St. Francis' Episcopal (5th visit)

Sunday (the 1st) I called Bernie Ward's program to tell Bernie the part he has in me becoming a Christian. I called in about 6:15; I didn't get on until about 7:50. An hour and a half wait. I did pretty well. My whole body was shaking, but I sounded calm. And I did it without notes.

Me. giving my "testimony" on 50,000 watt KGO to God only knows how many thousands of people.

Yesterday (the 3rd) was my 4 month anniversary {as a Christian}, and Friday should mark one year in San Francisco. Maybe I'll take myself out to lunch sometime this weekend.

My Testimony

I'm not sure exactly when this was written, but I think it was the fall of 1996 so I just picked September 1 as a good date to file it.)

Mad at God!

I used to be really angry at Christians. And is it any wonder? They followed a God who was mean, vindictive and would smite you for any little thing you did. He demanded more obedience than I could give. I felt that God was disgusted with humanity. When I lived in Berkeley, California (1990-1992) I used to go over to the university and listen to people taunt the Christian speakers on the plaza. I would involve myself in this as much as I could. One reason I wanted to learn about the Bible was to use it as "ammo" against them. Over a period of about eight years God softened my heart and brought people into my life who showed me Christian love. By the time I took my second undergraduate course at University I wanted to learn about it for the sake of knowledge, not as ammo.

I practiced Wicca for 4-5 years, beginning in about 1991. I was dedicated to the Pagan path that same year by the coven I belonged to, and in 1992 was initiated as a Witch. I also went to many public rituals, and began to make a name for myself by writing articles for Pagan magazines such as Green Egg, Circle Network News, and Hole in the Stone.

The Beginning of the Beginning

In 1995 I began reading my Bible again--going through the New Testament. It didn't seem to do anything at the time except fill some gap. I didn't know why I wanted to read it; I just knew I had an interest in it for some reason.

Salvation begins with God, of course, but He often uses people to accomplish His will. In that sense the beginning of the beginning was with Jim, a liberal Christian I had met on the Internet. In January of 1996 he went through some difficult times and asked me to pray for him. I began by praying to the goddess whom I worshipped at the time, but then thought that I should pray to his God. After all, his problem should be brought before his God.

I remember how humbly and apologetically I approached his God that day. I told Him I wasn't asking anything for myself, that indeed I wouldn't expect anything if I did ask. Then I presented my request for Jim. But I did end up asking for something for myself, and it turned out to be one of the most important things I have ever prayed for. I can't tell you why I did it and even now I'm not sure of the reason, but on two occasions after my prayer for Jim, I tacked on a request for myself: "God, please help me to get to know You." At the time I thought the prayer so important that I promptly forgot about it.

Life continued on as always. But God hears sincere prayers, and He heard that one. He had always worked behind the scenes, but after my prayer he began to work openly. Things began happening, slowly at first. The next milestone on my journey toward God was just over a month away, at the end of February.

Enter Charles

A month after those prayers I met Charles, a Canadian, on the Internet. He became invaluable to me over the next few months. He helped to answer my questions and concerns. I believe he was truly sent from God because the timing was too perfect.

Charles and I met when I was cruising the soc.religion.christian newsgroup. One day I posted this question: "In one hundred words or less, why are you a Christian instead of something else? Why do you believe? Please, no sermons. I've had quite enough. I just want to know why you believe what you do. Thank you."

As you might imagine, I got quite a few responses, some of them very long (I guess they didn't read the part about no sermons?), and some much more respectful of the length. Charles tried to be respectful, keeping his to 150 words. He gave me a clear, concise answer, but that wasn't what caused me to write him back. What caused that was a single line at the end of his e-mail, looking more like an afterthought than anything else, but still an honest question. "Out of curiosity, why are you a Pagan?" he asked. And I replied, and we just kept writing.

God Shows Up

A month after this, at the end of March, I went to a small Christian music concert held in the gymnasium at St. Mary's College in Moraga. It cost only $5 and was really nothing spectacular. Jesse Manibusan was opening for Margaret Becker. I have always loved Christian music and I wanted to buy a tape from Jesse (it couldn't be bought in a store.) That's one reason I went. But at the concert something happened that I will remember for the rest of my life. There I was, minding my own business, enjoying Jesse's music, when I became aware of this incredibly loving Presence that filled the room. After being taught a God that was mean, angry, and spiteful, this Presence of pure LOVE startled me. There was no way to reconcile it with what I had learned. I hated God, ran from Him. I had spent the last several years of my life doing that. Still, He came after me. While I am sure that the Presence was there because of the music and the love of the people, and not for me, there is no doubt in my mind that I was led there. It took me completely off guard, and when I got home that night and found myself alone in my room with my thoughts, I began to think about it, and I knew some things would have to change.

It set me off on a month-long search for this God. During this time many small coincidences occurred, too many and too small to chronicle here, but more than enough to convince me that this God was real, powerful, and that He loved me. It is a scary thing to be chased by God, but exciting, too. You know you're safe and in good hands, but when you're currently worshiping other gods, you don't know which hands are the good ones anymore.

Let me just tell here a couple of the strange things that happened as God reached out for me. Days after the concert, with God very much on my mind, I was listening to a secular lite rock music station on my Walkman when the song "Right Here Waiting" came on. The chorus goes like this: "Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you. Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, I will be right here waiting for you." I felt God calling me through that song. It was Him singing to me, asking me to come to Him.

The following day I was listening to my Walkman again when I heard the beginning of a commercial. I couldn't tell you what they were selling, but these two sentences leapt out at my ears, "Are you listening? Do you hear it?" That's all I remember, but it was enough to get me to think of God. After all, how does one not listen to God?

A few days later, another song on the radio. The chorus went like this: "I loved you, you didn't feel the same. Though we're apart, you're in my heart. Give me one more chance to make it real." In those words I felt God asking me to seek Him one more time before throwing Him away. I felt Him tell me to stop running and just give in. Trust.

There is one other thing I wish to mention before moving on: two dreams I had, one just before I was saved, and one after. The differences in their tone is worth noting. First, some background and a clarification. The Satanist in the story below is just that—a Satanist. Satanism should not be confused with Wicca, as Wiccans do not worship Satan, and in fact, do not even believe in him. It is impossible to consciously worship something you do not believe in. Most Wiccans I knew (and still know) are wonderful, law-abiding folks who simply disagree with me in some key theological areas. They are not Satanists, and should not be confused with them. However, as a Christian I do feel that because Wicca does not acknowledge the God of the Bible, it is wrong and therefore evil, though Wiccans themselves are not conscious of this.

Ok, now on to the background of the dreams. I was attending college at the time, and in one of my classes was a Satanist, Jay. (I learned his name when we ended up having a few classes together over time and I would occasionally make small talk with him before class.) He was a nice guy, never acted untoward to me, but he freaked me out anyway. He missed a lot classes between the beginning of the year and the midterm, but after the midterm he began to show up more frequently, and instead of sitting in his usual place in the back, moved forward in the desks until, just after my conversion, he was sitting with me in the front row, just a few seats away. Even though he had never done anything to hurt me, his mere presence became a symbol of evil in my life.

Toward the end of April, about a week before my conversion, I had a dream. I had been thinking about God so much that my mind, overwhelmed with all that was happening, put my fears into symbolic form.

I'm walking toward my college campus and it's night. A van pulls up and the Satanist guy from my class is driving. Suddenly, in the way dreams just "move," I find myself in the passenger seat of the van. There is no invitation on his part, and no acceptance on mine. I'm just suddenly there.

I ask him to let me out at the next block, but he just keeps driving, and soon we are away from the campus area. I crawl behind the front seats to the back of the van, but then I realize that no matter where I go, I'm still in the van with him. I realize I need to get out. I crawl back up front. I tell him that I'm a "white-light, fluffybunny" type Wiccan and this seems to turn him off.

But the scariest part of the dreams was when I asked him, "What do you want?" I will never forget his reply: "To get to know you better." I know it was only my own fears, that evil and good were duking it out over my soul, but it shook me up a bit. It took me an hour to get back to sleep, after I had written everything down.

About two weeks after my conversion, I had a second dream, markedly different in its mood. I'm working in the cafeteria (I worked part-time in the cafeteria at my college). I'm just starting my break and am in line at the taco bar to get some food. On the other side of the bar is Jay, also getting some food. He asks me if I would like to go to the movies with him and I tell him no. Right at that point, out of nowhere, a man who I took to be another student, speaks up and tells Jay to lay off me. Jay asks me if he is my boyfriend and I tell him no, wondering myself who he is. Jay and my mysterious "rescuer" exchange a couple more sentences that I don't catch. At the end, Jay tells the newcomer "You'd better be careful," and then he goes to sit down to eat. The new guy just sort of disappears. I couldn't tell you what happened to him. I go to a table away from Jay to eat my food.

Charles said that he thought my "mysterious rescuer" was him because he was praying for me, basically "standing in the gap," and that this sort of thing did not make Satan happy. Perhaps on a subconscious level I knew this and hence had the dream.

Visions and Prayers

There were many times over the month of April that I prayed to Jehovah, asking Him to help me. Toward the end of the month I reached the point where I told Him that, though I wasn't willing to follow Him, I was willing to become willing. Another time, about a week later, I asked Him to help me to love Him.

I prayed that I would get to know Him and learn about Him. I prayed that He would show me the way He wanted me to go, walk with me down it, and tell me what to do to serve Him. Often I "felt" Him listening and knew I was heard.

I knew that if I was going to get to know this God that I would have to learn to trust Him. And so I used a technique I'd learned as a Wiccan.

I visualized myself on one side of a doorway with the Goddess standing near me. Jesus stood on the other side of the open door. I remember saying to Him, "Give me one good reason I should follow You?" His response stopped me in my tracks: "Because I love you." Jesus kept reaching out for me, telling me to take His hand. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do it.

And then, one night in mid- to late April, it happened. I closed my eyes to do the visualization, and I could take His hand! I knew that He wanted me to step through the door as well, that stepping through the door was a sign of real trust, but it was a few more days until I was able to do that.

Once I had done that, I knew I was crossing a line, a line of trusting God, maybe only a little, but more than in years. He was patiently working with me, knowing that I could never ask Jesus into my heart if there wasn't at least some trust there, however small.

April of 1996 was the most difficult month for me with coincidences abounding. I felt God reaching out for me, and yet I kept shrinking back. Due to my interest in Christianity I was currently attending a class in Christian history at my college. The teacher believed in the hands-on approach, and one of our assignments was to go to some services and write a report. We had to attend Orthodox Lenten and Easter services, and a Catholic Easter service. So there I was, struggling with God very hard, and having to attend all these services. Don't tell me God doesn't have a sense of humor!

Acceptance

Finally, on May 3, 1996 at about 6:45 p.m., I called Charles and had him pray with me, and gave my life to Christ. But it wasn't during the prayer that I felt it. It was when I said, "I want Jesus in my heart" that I felt it. I had accepted Him. I was Christian. Me, the Witch, a Christian! Ironically, this was four years to the day of my dedication to the Pagan path--to the very day.

Later I discovered that Charles had had a strong feeling for half that day that he should pray for me, and that at the time of my phone call he had been, off and on, for about six hours.

Riding the Fence

Of course, I didn't stop my Wiccan activities right away. Soon after my conversion I attended a large Pagan festival in Northern California. I felt it may be my last Pagan "fling", so I went even though I knew God didn't want me to.

However, I didn't count on Him showing up.

Within a day and a half of arriving I was very confused. I realized later that going there was like walking into a spiritual battle without armor on, like Paul writes of in Ephesians 6. As a new Christian I was a target of the enemy, and here I was willingly walking onto the enemy's ground with no protection! I was so confused that I called Charles (all the way in Canada!) on a pay phone. He told me to talk to God. I said I didn't know if God would listen to me because I was being so bad. He assured me that God would hear. I agreed to think about it. Two or three hours later I went out behind the Meadow Building, sat under the oak tree, and began speaking to God out loud, not a prayer really, just talking. But He heard and He came.

I hadn't spoken two sentences when I sensed this Presence under the tree with me. As at the concert, it took me off guard. Unlike the concert, this was a completely personal experience. He was there for me, because I had called Him. I expected Him to be angry with me for doing something I knew He didn't want me to do, but He wasn't. Now I know that He meets each of us where we are and gives us exactly what we need. I needed understanding and compassion at that point, not judgment, and that's what He gave me.

But His presence made me angry. I didn't know what to say, and I wasn't going to repent. He was being too loving by coming to the festival, coming after me, so I told Him to go away. He refused, remaining near. I repeated the command. He still didn't move. Finally I had to get up and walk away. If He wouldn't leave, I would. He remained close for the rest of the festival, reminding me that He was there just waiting for me to call on Him, to come back. Needless to say, all this made a big impression on me. Later, an acquaintance of mine, Bruce, the man who later baptized me, told me He didn't go away because I had invited Him into my life when I gave myself to Him. He wasn't about to leave me alone.

Choosing Sides

I was baptized at the end of the summer, but not without having to first choose sides. Two days before it was to happen, Bruce discovered that I had not yet renounced Paganism. He told me he wouldn't baptize me unless I did. It was hard for him to tell me this, and hard for me to hear it, but it needed to be said. I am glad he put Christ and the Gospel before the comfort of either of us. He helped me to understand how important baptism is: How could I undergo a death and rebirth initiation ritual unless I really was dying to my old life? How could I be raised to new life in Christ if I was still holding onto and practicing the old ways?

I mention my baptism because it was an important turning point. I call it my "Joshua moment" because, like Israel with Joshua, I was being given a choice of whom to worship. I made the same choice they did, a conscious decision to worship only Jehovah. Giving my life to Him on May 3 was only the beginning, as I had not given up worshiping other gods. He worked with me and on me, patiently walking me to this decision point.

Results

Much has changed in my life since I accepted Christ. I have a sense of peace I never had before. Somehow this God puts to rest all the doubts that the Goddess never could. Even when I run from Him I know He still loves me and that someday I will be with Him in heaven. He answers the questions about this life, and the life to come. He tells me everything will be okay, and that He'll never abandon or forsake me. He shows justice tempered with love, which is mercy.

Directly after my conversion my relationship with my boss improved dramatically. Where once he threatened to "let me go" because of my bad attitude, he no longer spoke of this, and became downright friendly. My co-workers also mentioned how happy I seemed all the time. (Dancing with my mop as I clean the floor is not depressed behavior.) Other people have noticed that I complain less. I also worry less. I had a bad attitude and was irritable. The Goddess was not very helpful when I wanted to change these self-destructive behaviors. I was, in fact, unable to change no matter how hard I tried. With God, I didn't have to try. It just happened. The peace and joy He gives really is beyond all understanding, and one's attitude cannot help but change when bathed in this love.

Some people will tell you that Christianity and Wicca can be blended, that you don't have to give up one to practice the other. This is untrue. I tried to blend the two, but at every step the Holy Spirit told me I had to choose (Joshua 24:15).

I've naturally begun to re-evaluate who the Goddess is. I've noticed that there have been times when I was in life-and-death situations and called out to her, only to get no response. One situation occurred in January, 1996 when I was hit by a motorcycle as I crossed the street. In my pain and fear I called out to her. I received silence. She promised she'd never forsake me. She lied.

Conclusion

We worship a wonderful God! Who else than the God of the Bible, the only true God, Jehovah, could take an initiated Witch worshiping other gods and bring her to the Gospel light? What other God would bother? I deserved justice, and justice dictated that I continue to live, and eventually die, in the dark. But God, in order to show His mercy and magnify His glory, stooped down to me even though I had persecuted Him and blasphemed the very glory I should have worshipped.

I used to worship other gods; now I worship the one true God. Under Joshua's leadership, the Israelites were given a choice of whom to worship: "Choose for yourselves today whom you will serve" (Joshua 24:15). Joshua then told them who he would worship: "As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" (24:15). And the Israelites chose the same: "Far be it from us that we should forsake the Lord to serve other gods" (24:16). Like Joshua and the Israelites, I too have chosen to follow the Lord, and Him alone.

This story doesn't have an end, as no story about one's life ends until that life comes to an end. I hope this helps or enlightens you in some way. May God bless you richly as you search for and walk with Him.

Church Search, Week 16

Week 16: St. Francis' Episcopal Church (4th visit)

I've pretty much stopped church-shopping, as can be seen from my church choices the last few weeks. I'm just so tired of it. I've visited 9 or 10 churches. Isn't that enough?

Leaving Wicca further behind

Sunday afternoon I spent the time going through various Pagan things and getting rid of them: I cut my tarot cards in half, threw out my dried flower crowns from Beltane, ripped up all the pages from my Book of Shadows that I've written on (and threw out the rest of the book that hadn't been written in), buried my cords from Mystery Circle, my initiation, and my measure, and burned my dedication and initiation papers. Busy, busy, busy, huh? But after my baptism Saturday, these things had to be done.

A couple further comments regarding the breaking of the bottle {at my baptism}. First, right after I broke it I remained squatting there at least a full five seconds, letting the enormity of what I had done come over me. What had I just done? Why did I break this bottle, this symbol of my Wiccan initiation?

Second, I went looking for it later. I asked Bruce where he'd thrown it out. I had to see it. Knowing it was broken, hearing it break, wasn't enough. Bruce seemed to understand.

Got dunked!

Getting dunked {on Saturday} was pretty cool. I liked being baptized. "Spirit," Bruce said, "I baptize you in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit." And I held my nose, went under, and came up.

Originally Bruce said I would be baptized between 1 and 4, but we got the morning part of the meeting done early, so Bruce proposed we do the baptism before lunch. It was about 20 minutes to 12 when we sat down in the living room and he introduced me and my story. Then I told my conversion story, and explained about the bottle. Bruce said he wanted to do the bottle-breaking first - death before new life.

Then everyone gathered out by the pool, and Bruce and I changed clothes. We went poolside. I showed everyone the bottle before placing it in a paper bag, and that in a Hefty plastic bag. I squeezed some of the air out, found the bottle by feel, and tapped it with the hammer a couple times so I wouldn't miss when I hit it for real. Tap, tap, smash. A good hit. The bottle broke. The wine bottle from my initiation was no more.

Then Bruce said a prayer over me. He mentioned something about being released from any vows I had taken, and coming against any demonic influence. He said more, but that's all I can remember.

After the prayer, we went into the pool. He told me to hold my nose. He said the invocation and dunked me. As I came up people applauded, and again as I climbed out of the pool. I had given Amber my camera and she took pictures of me, as I took pictures of Joanne at her baptism in the Merced River.

Then I changed clothes into my swimming apparel - a t-shirt and shorts. (My baptism clothing was the pink dress my sister had handmade for me.) Pretty soon lunch was served, then everyone played volleyball, lounged in the sun, or just hung out.

I was the first to break this by going into the pool - by the diving board. Pretty soon others joined in. Amber made a joke about going off the diving board of grace into the swimming pool of eternal salvation.

Somehow Bruce started teaching me how to dive, and I did okay. I was doing things that actually resembled dives, and a few were what I might classify as "pretty good" - clean entry and such. I practiced for quite a while and eventually stopped holding my nose, diving in with both arms in front of me.

Too soon it was dinner time. Then we had our evening meeting where we talked about the details of student outreach, I was being handed fliers just like everyone else, and participating in the discussion like everyone else. I was being expected to get involved, and I was talking as if I was going to. Somewhere in the midst of all this it hit me: I was one of them! I am an accepted part of this group. I belong to InterVarsity. I belong. It was a revelation. The walls that had been slowly dissolving suddenly fell away. I was no longer on the outside looking in. I was in.

poem: Cleansing Waters

Cleansing Waters

How could I have thought He wouldn't ask for more,
Us in the boat as He rows from the shore?
The land now recedes, midnight becomes noon,
Dark becomes light, the sun takes the moon.

Crosses and stars, other symbols so grand,
Water and fire, sunlight on the land.
Sun becomes Son, and the moon, El Shaddai,
Symbols are real, and symbols don't lie.

The hammer that nailed is now the hammer that breaks
The past from the future, erasing mistakes.
The shattering hurts, breaking the past,
But Father, Son, Spirit--these things will last.


(A poem about my baptism.)

Leaving the Circle, take 2

I had a good long time to chat with H. in the car between Walnut Creek BART and his home, as I had talked with R. quite a bit on the phone earlier.

When we got there they started working on dinner. As I talked with R. her first reaction was anger. Getting past that was saddness. She was afraid of losing me as a friend and "sister." I comforted her in the kitchen as she got weepy-eyed, and we hugged a long hug before I left. The three of us talked a long time as dinner was cooked and eaten. They finally gave me a handwritten leave of absense certificate, near as I can tell the first of its kind.

H. drove the car as R. and I sat in the back seat and talked more. I think we left the house around 11. By the time I got BART over to the City it was about a quarter after 12. I took the 38 to Van Ness and knew I'd have a long wait for the 90 Owl. BY sometime after one the bus still hadn't come. I don't know when it did come, but I think I got home about 10 minutes to 2.

I'm still kind of tired today.

Bruce said something regarding my experience under the oak tree at AW. I had told him how God wouldn't go away after I told Him to. Bruce said that he wouldn't go away because (since I was a Christian) I had invited Him into my life. If I wasn't Christian, Bruce said, He would have gone away.

Talking about Baptism, take 2

Bruce picked me up at 12 for our pre-baptism meeting. We went to his house and he proceded to ask questions and I proceded to spill my guts to him about the last 5 months or so of my life. We had lunch and talked. Some thing that I said about Paganism and rituals and the fun I have must have prompted him to ask this question: am I planning on going to any more rituals? The implication here is if I'm going to completely forsake Paganism - no Pagan activities. I said I didn't know. There must have been something about the question or the wau that he asked it that told me it had a lot to do with my baptism. My answer was not the right one to get his approval, but it was honest. What it boils down to, he said, was that unless I was ready to completely forgo all Pagan activities he wouldn't baptize me.

I was hurt. But I could see his point. He said he had been so willing to baptize me before because he thought I was willing for forswear it. He said he'd give me some time to think it over and if I could say I was willing to give it all up by Saturday morning, he would baptize me. He said to call him tomorrow regarding the meeting I had with H. and R. tonight to let him know how it went.

I was ready to give it all up right there - painful, yes, but I want to be baptized. And pride enters the oicture. I have already told everyone it would happen. If I backed out now I'd lose face. I told him I would give him his answer tomorrow when I called him about H. and R. We left about 3 and he dropped me off at a 29 bus stop to head home. I went home. Then I cried for a while about all I was being asked to give up before getting myself together and leaving for the meeting with H. and R.

Church Search, Week 15

Week 15: Vineyard (3rd visit)

This is a really intense spiritual place. They lay heavy emphasis on prayer, intercessory and otherwise. Walking in there really brings out issues for me, and it feels like there's a real battle going on - it intensifies the spiritual battles in my own life. After 2 weeks of Vineyard I'm ready to go back to St. Francis' quiet liturgy.

Talking about Baptism

I had called Bruce (with IV) a day or two ago, and last night he returned the call. Unfortunately it was during the movie {I rented "Jesus Christ Superstar"} and the volume was so high I didn't know until after. I called him about 11.

The reason I had called him was to discuss baptism, so we discussed it last night. He said IV was having a party at his parents' house on the 24th and they had a pool. Would it be okay if I was dunked in the pool? I said sure. I asked Carlos yesterday for that day off, and he said he'd take me off the schedule, so I should be able to go. Wow! Eight days off. {I think I mean eight days until the baptism.}

Baptism will mean much more than what I know it symbolizes. It will be a beginning yes, but an ending, too. Just as my Wiccan initiation was the outward sign of something that had already happened, so will this be. In a very real way, I gave up my initiation at my conversion. But I wasn't willing to let go of it then. Now I am. Baptism will be the end of my initiation. I also, therefore, need to find some symbolic way of getting rid of the empty bottle of red wine that was used at my initiation. I would prefer to do it by breaking, but this probably won't be possible at the peoples' house. That bottle has been a symbol in my life for 3 years. I've had it 'on display" whenever possible during that time.

Church Search, Week 14

Week 14: Vineyard Christian Fellowship

Pretty cool. During the service when they said anyone desiring prayer could come up after the service, I felt like I should go, but couldn't imagine myself actually doing it. But at the end of the service, they said something like it, phrasing it differently or something. I saw Lila get up and walk to the front. I decided to follow, and walked up front. A couple people with a prayer team prayer for me. So it happened anyway, even though I couldn't imagine it.

We (Lila, America, and a woman's I've never met before) arrived really late, missing most of worship. But we caught the last couple songs. I could feel myself wanting to raise my hands. (It's very common at Vineyard so I don't have to feel weird.) I did raise my hands a little, first my left and then my right.

Last night there was a massive power outage at about 3:50 or 3:55 p.m. (It was spotted over 9 states, and even parts of Canada and Mexico.) I had just gone down to the bakery to get the dirty dishes and bring them upstairs. I was in the elevator, just me and the dishes. I hit the emergency stop switch to take a couple second breather. (I was having a bad day and was in a rotten mood.) At the exact moment I did that, the power completely failed. The light in the elevator went out and there I was in complete darkness between two floors. Flipping the switch between stop and run did nothing. I was trapped.

Looking up and down I could see a little light, but inside the elevator I could see nothing. The darkness was scary. I called out...

{The entry leaves off here and does not resume.}

Leaving the Circle

Talked to R. last night. We had a long talk. I told her I needed to talk to her and H., but it needed to be done face to face. She managed to guess it had to do with me leaving the circle. I told her I wanted to speak with them about going inactive. It hurt her, as I knew it would, but I'm in the untenable situation of having to hurt these people I care for. We need to set up a time for the three of us to sit down and talk. R. asked if I would still be friends with her and H.; I said of course. They are my friends, regardless of what religion I am.

Church Search, Week 13

Week 13: Cornerstone

Protestant church. Similar worship style to Vineyard, with slightly lower energy. Smaller congregation. The worship seemed shorter than at Vineyard and some of it was done sitting instead of the higher energy of standing that is found at Vineyard. I came here because I met a woman named Marga on the bus one day when I was headed to a Bible Study, I think one at Mike's house. I like Vineyard better.

Telling Dad I'm Christian

When Dad was here visiting on Thursday we got some time alone and had a long talk. I told him everything about the last few months along religious lines, and how I became a Christian. I told him about the concert, the dreams I had - everything I could remember. He was very understanding. Then he said something that took me completely off guard. He said, "You give Christianity a good name."

A couple more comments: today is my three month anniversary of becoming Christian. Kinda cool, huh? Second, and related, I was going through the old notes between Charles and me. I found a note from June 3rd that said I had just started working as a dishwasher and things were find, but that it might just be the novelty of it all. The note said that if I were still doing my job without complaining in two months, then I might believe that God had really changed something. Well guess what? Today marks two months exactly! Don't you love coincidences? And I'm still plugging along doing the job. Maybe God really has touched my life.

Church Search, Week 12

(July 28) - Week 12 - St. Francis' Episcopal (my third visit)

I really like St. Francis' so I went back this week. I am narrowing the search down. I still have to check out Cornerstone and St. Dominic's Catholic.

St. Francis used pink wine and pita bread for the Eucharist. They have some pageantry but not a lot. The people make up for it.

poem: Full Moon

[About wanting to go back to Paganism.]

Full Moon
Tonight, they gather.
In mountains and valleys, cities and hamlets.
In groves and living rooms and bedrooms,
In groups and couples and alone,
In cloaks and street clothes and no clothes.
Meditating and dancing,
Accepting and weaving,
Planting and reaping,
They gather.

Tonight, they gather.
I can see it so clearly,
As clearly as sunlight on the land.
I long,
But may not join them.
The moon rises,
It's light causes me to cry out for the known,
A shelter from all else,
A bastion against an unknown God Who would
Not remain such.

Yet I know they gather,
Yes, they gather,
Tonight, they gather.

No!
My blood boils,
I want to go home.
These people are mine,
Yet this new God cries out, calls me.
In His longing I sense Love,
A Love that wants return.
I cannot go to my people.

Church Search, Week 11

Week 11: Episcopal Church of the Incarnation

I came to this church a few weeks ago, but I came back this time for 10 a.m. services. (I went to 8 a.m. last time, but you can't get a flavor for the music, people, and energy level until you go to the later service.) This is one of on;y two churches that has followed up my visit with anything. (After my last visit, I received a short note.)

The Eucharist was pita bread and red wine. I thought pita bread worked well because it has a slight bitter flavor to it.

Church Search, Week 10

Week 10: Episcopal Church of the Advent of Christ the King

Very Catholic, complete with incense and everything. The communion wafers looked Catholic, too. We sang a hymn that someone had written new words to old music. It was Beethoven's "Ode to Joy."

I know the Holy Spirit exists because I have seen Him at work in my life. Words like peace and joy are hard to define and find in my life, but my reaction to the demands at work underwent a sudden and dramatic change, at least partly unconscious. What I have tried to learn and do for years - to "just do it" - became a sudden, wonderful reality. I had tried to do it on my own for years and failed. It was only the Holy Spirit who did this for me. I only hope the change is permanent.