Wednesday, April 30, 2003

Heaven and Hell

***For anyone who cares, a silly little online test:***

Your fate has been decided....
You are one of the lucky ones! Because of your virtue and beliefs, you have escaped eternal punishment. You are sent to Purgatory!


Purgatory
------------------------------------------------------------------
Y
ou have escaped damnation and made it to Purgatory, a place where the dew of repentance washes off the stain of sin and girds the spirit with humility. Through contrition, confession, and satisfaction by works of righteousness, you must make your way up the mountain. As the sins are cleansed from your soul, you will be illuminated by the Sun of Divine Grace, and you will join other souls, smiling and happy, upon the summit of this mountain. Before long you will know the joys of Paradise as you ascend to the ethereal realm of Heaven.

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Very Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

INDirectTV

I can now see it was a big mistake to ever get "Direct TV." It's turned into a nightmare of INDirectTV. As I watched TV this morning, my signal just cut out all of a sudden, and they can't get anyone out to even LOOK at it until Friday. I've only had the system about two months. I am so NOT impressed by this. I tried to call X-Satellite to see if I was still under warrentee, but they don't answer their phone, and goodness only knows when they might deign to return my phone call.

I try to take a couple vacation days to relax and see my favorite shows and I can't even do that. I'm stuck on my stupid computer because there isn't anything else to do! Grrrr..... I should have just gotten basic cable. I can't deal with all this without even having had my coffee.

Let this be a lesson to anyone who is thinking of getting "DirectTV" - DON'T!

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Which Witch is Which?

Well, I finally saw the first Harry Potter movie. I liked it. It was a little hard because of my past - the mere mention of magic and witches and wizards can be hard to listen to - but overall it was a good movie, and the magic in it was all Hollywood; there was no magic that is the real magick real Witches practice.

I fail to see how it's so different than Lord of the Rings with its magic and wizardry. I don't see the horror in it that some people see. And it does teach children good life lessons - friendship, courage, and sacrifice. After seeing the movie today, I stand by my original assessment now posted among Kathi's articles. It hooked me. I'll have to see the next movie now, since the story does continue. Still can't read the books, though. Doubt I ever will.

Friday, April 25, 2003

How Do You Spell L-O-S-E-R?

We had another blowup tonight, so it looks like after Sabbath I'll have to call Direct TV and find out what the penalty is for moving before 6 months is up. It's also quite clear that I'll have to move, sooner than later.

His newest way of dealing with me is by using thinly veiled insults and making up new rules. The newest rule is "I don't allow candles in the house." Seeing as how he's been fine with me burning candles before as long as they were away from the window, the only motive I can think of for this new rule is anger.

No wonder he has a hard time keeping tenants. He constantly pulls stuff like this. I'm not the first, and I won't be the last. He's a master at guilt-tripping, or at least trying to by deflecting responsibility off of himself and onto the other person. I've had enough psychology to see through his attempts. It must be an awful way to live, not being able to take responsibility for yourself.

More Rants

The owner here is having money troubles yet again, and was putting the squeeze on me to get the rent money early. He now needs to be paid the 29th of every month, not the 1st. My next paycheck isn't until May 1, and I was planning to pay then. Once again, he tried to pin the blame on me, as if I'm the reason the bank wants to forclose the house. He stops short of actually blaming me for that, but that's the tone of voice. I'm sorry, but I ain't going for it. It's not my fault that you can't get your act together. Period.

He said he would take partial rent of $400, and asked if we had to go into the City to get money from my savings. Sorry, but I'm so wiped out right now that I'd have to use most of what little is left to pay the rent, and I ain't doing that. Additionally, I don't enjoy being guilt tripped and told to pay up now, especially when I haven't even had my coffee.

So there I was, sitting on my bed, trying to catch up on my checkbook (which was a couple weeks behind) without my coffee. I paid him $396, taking off $4 for the extra receiver TV charge his receiver incurs. Yes, that's right, he gets Direct TV for only $4 a month. Thankfully he was in the shower when I went downstairs and so I just left the check on the table.

So then he says he doesn't want the check because it takes 5 days to clear. So off we went to my bank to cash the check and give him the cash. (See the cash.) I made sure to ask for a receipt from him. His intention may not be to screw me over, but it may happen anyway and I want to be prepared - just in case.

Can we say L-O-S-E-R boys and girls?

Eden, the girl in the back room up here on the second floor has evidentally moved out. I don't know why, but the when appears to be sometime earlier this week. So I'm the only tenent right now. That does not bode well.

The Cross of Life

Easter got me to thinking about the cross and how it's a symbol of death, yet many Christians (including me) wear it around our necks as a decoration. One of the Easter songs we sang called the cross, "the cross of life." And you know what? It's true. It was a symbol of death, but has been transformed into a symbol of life. On the cross our sins were paid for. That Friday afternoon, 2,000 years ago on that cross, I was forgiven. Truly it is a symbol of life.

Wednesday, April 23, 2003

Missing Missy

I couldn't help thinking this past Easter Sunday about Missy and how she should have been baptised. But instead she forsook God for her boyfriend and is now firmly agnostic. Satan has made good and sure that she is surrounded online by atheists, as well as her atheist boyfriend in real life.

She does not come to EW anymore because after her "anti-conversion" we took away her mod status as well as her access to the Ex-Witches Only folder. This should be a lesson to us to not give new believers too much responsibility too soon. Too often it only ends in disaster and hurt feelings. It saddens me. If she hadn't left RCIA classes (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults), she would have been baptised this past Easter. :-(

I am reminded of Jesus' parable of the soils. The seed that fell on the second type of soil sprang up quickly, but just as quickly withered when the sun grew hot, because its roots did not go deep.

Dear Lord, help us all to go deep into You, that we may withstand the hot sun. Thank You for saving us.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Cold and Lonely

It was sooooo cold coming home from work Monday night. My EW sweatshirt did little to stop the cold. The light, slow, steady rain didn't make it warmer so I spent all my time waiting for the bus trying to keep warm and not get too wet.

Thinking back on all the prayer request on the board recently, and all the troubles everybody there has realy make sme wonder about the Resurrection. Nights like tonight I feel like God abandoned us after the Resurrection. Where is God? Where are the miracles? Why do the believers - His very children - suffer so much?

At least I caught up on sleep, sleeping until almost 1 p.m. Monday afternoon after going to bed about 2:30 a.m. that morning. That helps me feel better.

Monday, April 21, 2003

The Son Also Rises

Since I haven't gotten to an entry in the last week, I decided a short entry today would be better than nothing. Pardon any mispellings. I don't have the energy to edit tonight. So...here goes.

Christ is risen! He is risen indeed! Alleluia!

This weekend provided plenty of opportunities for reflection on the meaning of Easter. I figure that over three days (Friday-Sunday) I spent about 8 hours in church services (!). Good Friday was 3 hours (12-3 pm), then my regular church Saturday morning, then Easter Vigil Saturday night and Easter Sunday morning services. It leaves one tired but happy. :-)

One thing I realized yet again on Friday was that when my sins were placed on Jesus on the cross, all of my sins were - which means that God looked at Jesus and saw Him practicing Witchcraft and Him worshipping other gods. That blows my mind! And that Jesus would do that willingly for me. Our sin was great, so His suffering for us was great.

Thank You Jesus for Your great sacrifice for us. We put You on the cross, yet You went willingly because You loved us when we still hated You. Thank You God, for Easter. Thank You for Your Son's death, and His triumpth over death. Truly we can now live and die in hope. Amen.

Monday, April 14, 2003

Pagan Acquaintances

For some reason, I've recently been running into old Pagan acquaintances that I haven't seen since I left the community 7 years ago. (I turn 7 next month.)

This time it was Artemesia, a chick who's name I liked so much I named one of my rats after her. :) I got on the bus Friday afternoon to go to the BART station because I was going to little Christian music concert. I saw Artemesia and we just stared at each other because we recognized each other and were trying hard to remember how. It was only when I asked her name and she told me that I remembered.

She probably didn't think to well of my ExWitch t-shirt I was wearing at the time. Because I didn't have an EW business card to give her I gave her the cards from my church and scribbled the EW URL on the back.

We didn't have much time to talk, but I did tell her I was Christian, and she asked about my headcovering. We both got off at the BART station (she was headed to Berkeley to hear a Buddhist speak), and as we crossed the street (I nearly got hit by a car that was backing up - I would have been hit had Artemesia not yelled out for the driver to STOP), she told me that Wicca wasn't for everyone. I didn't say anything but I admit it upset me. It has nothing to do with it not being for me. It has to do with finding something better meant for everyone.

I feel like everything is coming full circle in a sense. Not in the sense of me going back - not at all - but more in the sense of closure. After 7 years I can run into these people and be comfy where I am and strong in my faith. Hard to put into words. I just don't think it's coincidence. :-p

Friday, April 11, 2003

I'm coloring my hair right now, waiting for the color to develop. Red doesn't stay worth squat, but oh well. I managed to make a nice mess on the bathroom rug/floor, and turn my forearms spotchy red. We'll see how the color "takes" and how bad it stains the bathtub. I'm managed to pretty well stain one of my blue towels. *sigh* Coloring hair shouldn't have to be so messy.

Tomorrow (well, technically, later today) I'm going to see Jesse Manibusan in concert. The last time I saw him was 7 years ago. That night I experienced God as love and it got me searching for Him. It will be so cool to hear Jesse again.

Monday, March 31, 2003

Having My Eyes Opened, take 2

I think what saddens me the most is the e-mail Herb sent to me and a couple other people, distancing himself from me. It's as if he's afraid of loosing these people as friends if he so much as says I have a right to my opinion. No, he was firmly on their side. I am deeply saddened by this. I've known him and Ren for around 10 years. I really thought we were closer than that. Only Bragi dared to stand up for me and say I had a right to my opinion.

On the way home I couldn't help but pray that God will help me to forgive everyone. I'm very angry over the whole episode and it can be hard to forgive, especially when the other party will admit no wrongdoing and feel completely justified in name-calling and other things. Lord, help me to forgive. Help me to let go of my anger. Let me see these people through Your eyes and love them as You love them. Amen.

Sunday, March 30, 2003

Having My Eyes Opened

Well, I sent the little piece on war and celebrities to Herb and hit "Reply All" to give people a different opinion. I've been on his mailing list for months and I didn't mind the e-mails until all the e-mails became anti-war. To say the least, my opinion was not appriciated. In fact, one woman (she certainly was no lady), Ms. Sheffield, actually stated that she wasn't interested in my opinion. This is liberal-speak for "I don't want to hear any opinion that disagrees with mine and therefore refuse to discuss it with you." She also called my viewpoint "moronic" and employed other adult ways of handling disagreements. I truly feel sorry for people like her. Like a child, they stick their fingers in their ears and say, "Lalala, I can't hear you." (Which is how it ended when she said she would delete any further e-mail. At least I got the last word, even if she refused to read it, lol.)

But this was a good experience. Why? Because it showed me who these "anti-war" people really are. They don't even want to consider that there might be good reasons for the war. So instead, they call names and do everything else to end rational debate so they don't have to hear those reasons and can pretend they don't exist.

This has really opened my eyes because it wasn't just her. She was simply the most abusive one who had the guts to e-mail me. From what she said, there's an AMEN chorus to her point of view going on behind my back. As I said, they are afraid of any other POV and must protect themselves from it. The most common way is to use ad hominum attacks and refuse to reply to your opponant's arguments. They truly do not see this as sticking their heads in the sand. They don't think of themselves as being afraid of debate. No, they are the righteously angry protecters of America and freedom of speech - provided you don't say anything that disagrees with them.

Thursday, March 27, 2003

Water, take 3

Now that I've had some time to process this, I realized I typed a bit too hastily in my rush to leave for work. I need to clarify what I wrote earlier today. The EBMUD guy actually dropped by our house looking for payment. This is for the December bill, mind you. I explained the owner was gone (Eden was also gone, probably at work). So he said he was turning off the water, and gave me the notice of doing so. I placed the notice on the kitchen table, along with my rent check, since April rent is coming due soon.

What I'm most mad about is a couple weeks ago Lou asked me for $250. In exchange, I'd be given 45 days to move out when I leave, instead of 30. He said he needed to pay the water bill or they would turn the water off. Well Lou, what did you do with that check, eh?

Ah well, I swore my next move would be to my own place. I'm tired of the roommate treadmill.

For now, I need to snag the two bottles of water in the kitchen before Lou remembers where they are. They were mine, and I'm going to take them back now. I can brush my teeth at work. Don't know what I'll do Friday, but Saturday I can brush them at church. Laundry I'll do at the laundromat again. If worse comes to worse, I can probably wash my hair in a sink here at work. Don't yet know what do to about the shower situation.

Ah well, another adventure on the path of life. LOL. I wonder if I'm doing something right and getting certain, er....things...pissed off at me. (c:

Meanwhile, Back At the Ranch... (Water, take 2)

...I finally get ahold of Lou, who tells me the water is back on. He then procedes to blame everything on me. "You should have called me on your cell phone;" "I didn't deposit the check you gave me two weeks ago because I've been busy" (for two WEEKS you couldn't make a trip to the bank? yeah right!). This guy is a master at blaming others for his problems. From listening to Lou today you'd think it was all my fault! Luckily, I don't fall for that, or play that blame game. Go make someone ELSE feel guilty, sweety, because it don't play with me.

I've decided it must officially be "beat up on Victoria week." First I get the angry idiot gung ho for the war on Darce's board on Delphi, then I get blasted by a guy on EW who's against the war. (Hey, our first troll. We hit a milestone today!) Then the bus home last night breaks down at the BART station, causing me to miss my connection. I got home about 12:30 a.m. instead of the usual midnight. Then the water problem today, then Lou trying to blame ME for it. (Sheesh!)

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. :-p

They Turned Off Our Water!

I'm in shock. EBMUD came out today and turned off our water for non-payment! How do I get into situations like this? I'm just a subletter here; how come this idiot of an owner can't make the water payments? Where's the money? I'm upset about this, and both he and his dog are gone (probably at the dog park) so there is no water and no answers. Grrr... Some people's children! How are we supposed to live without water, and for how long?!?

My first thought was the cats, so I filled their water bowl. Then I used the toilet one last time. I'll take my toothbrush to work with me.

This totally sucks.

Monday, March 24, 2003

Living Beyond My Means

Victoria is living beyond her means. I've really screwed things up.

I found not one, not two, not three, but FIVE letters from my bank in my mailbox today. All were overdraft charges, two had two charges each. That's what...? About SEVEN charges? At $21 apiece. That's $148!

I called my bank and found I didn't even have enough to pay the rent. Ok, I thought. I'll just transfer some money from savings and deposit my state and federal refund checks - $530 all told. Surely that will get me through the next two weeks and pay my rent.

WRONG. After paying a couple of bills, entering everything in my checkbook and running the numbers, I STILL don't have the rent money, much less food and everything else. Looks like I'll be making another trip into the City to transfer more money just so I can get by this month. :(

Wednesday, March 19, 2003

Rumors of War

I still feel strange about this war - not gung ho for or against. *shrug* And I have one person ranting on IM to me about how Bush has committed war crimes, and another talking to me about Makani and her private forum and how she isn't at all like Obsidian and Otep. I'm getting it from both sides I guess.

The news is saying that Hussein was the target of this early beginning to the war. Personally, I doubt we'll get him. I think, like Osama bin Laden, he'll escape. Let's all pray for a quick end to the war and for protection of coalition troops.

No changes really on my Web sites except that I changed all main pages on all my sites so that the text scrolls over the background. I think it looks real nice. I also put some new pix up on Xena's site. Here Abby plays with a stuffed mouse that I put fresh catnip leaves inside. And, old pictures from before my move, Xena and Abby getting friendly with each other. (The top picture was taken earlier. Scroll down to the bottom three pics.)

Sunday, March 16, 2003

Running Into My Past

Occationally, mostly during the Easter season, I like to visit an Episcopal church near where I live. The past year or so when I've dropped by, a lady I remember from the Pagan community has been there. We've never really talked. Well, today we finally were able to chat for a few minutes, and I have to say, I feel conflicted after our talk, not sure whether to celebrate or weep in sadness.

Her name is Dale, and she comes with her husband Brian. She was dating another man the last time we chatted, about 7 years ago, or more. She said they have been coming to the church for about a year. I asked if she was Christian or Christo-Pagan or what. She said she was Christo-Pagan. Mostly Christian, but with some Pagan parts still there. She said God has many faces.

And therein lies my conflict. Here's a woman, attending a church every week with an evangelical litergy, but a liberal priest and congregation. She believes in women pastors and other things that the Episcopal church now teaches. Additionally, she claims to still have some Pagan beliefs, though I didn't have a chance to ask for clarification. Perhaps another time.

I asked her why she was coming to church (i.e. why is she not practicing Paganism anymore), and she said that Paganism was lacking in redemption and forgiveness (I think she actually used those exact two words!). I thought that was very insightful. Paganism denies many things even are sins, and those things that are wrong - well, there's karma, but no forgiveness. Forgiveness must be an attractive option to anyone who knows how bad they've messed up. I am humbled when I consider the depth of my sin, and therefore, the depth of Jesus' forgiveness.

I left church today feeling stronger than ever how important it is to reach out to Witches and other Pagans and bring them into a relationship with Christ.

Thinking about the Saints

A friend gave me a link to a Web page about St. Teresa. It includes a little gem about my favorite quote from her, one I've used often when feeling down: "Lord, if this is how you treat Your friends, no wonder You have so few."

Here's the relevant paragraph:

Sometimes, however, she couldn't avoid complaining to her closest Friend about the hostility and gossip that surrounded her. When Jesus told her, "Teresa, that's how I treat my friends" Teresa responded, "No wonder you have so few friends." But since Christ has so few friends, she felt they should be good ones. And that's why she decided to reform her Carmelite order.

I also managed to find a St. Victoria on the site! :) Too bad I was named after the former Queen of England and not the saint.

Saturday, March 15, 2003

Web page updates

I updated Xena's page with some pics of her and Abby. The pics are old - from the end of February before my move - but I finally got them uploaded tonight.

Yesterday I updated most of my Web sites so that the text now scrolls independently of the background. I hope you enjoy the new look. My personal site and my Sabbath pages are not yet done.

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

A Very Bad Day

Today is A Very Bad Day. Too much to do and too little time.

* Return toaster oven to Sears.
* Pick up tape from Christian bookstore and look for book on how the New Testament books were chosen for inclusion in the Bible.
* Copy church bulletins. Run out of money after hitting "20" copies twice instead of once.
* Stop at old residence and leave note for neighbors asking them to call if they find Abby cat, who disappeared last night from the new residence.
* Arrive at work 20 minutes late and scarf down first meal of the day while getting constant IM intrusions.
* Try to write and code my blog while getting constant IMs.

In short, I'm currently a short-tempered b*tch. Days like today I wish I could stay in bed all day with the covers pulled over my head. I hate and resent the world and want to hide from it.

Tuesday, March 11, 2003

Welcome to Victoria's Blog

This is my first attempt at a blog, so bear with me.

I probably won't be updating it all that often. Real life and other
online responsibilities call. As it is, this entry won't be posted for a few
days as starting a site and uploading leaves one seeing errors galore and
I simply don't have the time today to work out the kinks.

Purpose of This Blog

Basically, I'm going to use this as a Blog to keep anyone who cares abreast on major changes on all my Web sites. I have several, and many are not linked together. For example, my personal site is not linked to any Sabbath sites, in an effort to keep it nondenominational.

Here's a list of all my sites. All links will open a new browser
window.

  • As For Me and My House..., My Personal Site
  • Victoria's Sabbath Pages, Common Objections To the Sabbath and My Answers
  • Sabbath Keepers' Meeting House, my Delphi forum
  • Bay Area Seventh Day Baptist Church, My Church's Web Site
  • Xena's Web Site, My Cat's Site

  • All these sites to run and now I'm starting a blog?!?

    I also hope to use this as a sort of online diary. I don't keep a journal
    anymore, but perhaps this will give me a reason to start doing that again.

    Tuesday, December 31, 2002

    A Look Back at 2002: The Year of the Cat

    Wow, what a year! Can't say I hate seeing it go. It's been too long for my tastes.

    No move this year, but I was told I'd have to move early next year. About sixty days notice...the house has been sold, we are all out. I hate moving, and it's even harder with two cats. I wish I could afford my own studio apartment, move in, and stay there 20 years or so.

    The year of the cat...oh, how so! I started wanting a kitten late last year, but there were no babies at the time. It took three trips to the shelter before I was able to bring home little Xena, weighing only about 1 1/4 pds. She was about 6-7 weeks old when I brought her home. She's now almost 9 months old and must weight at least 10 pds. Her last weigh-in was several weeks ago and she was over 9 pds. at that point. She is still the light of my life and a beautiful classic silver tabby. I just wanted her; no other cats.

    Fate had other plans.

    This fall my co-worker, Brad, and I walked out on my back porch after I had not been out to the backyard in quite a while. We were looking for a lawnmower. Instead, we ended up surprising a family of feral kittens who were playing on the back porch. They looked to be about six weeks old.

    I rented a trap and managed to catch them all—a mom and six kitten. The mom was an orange tabby, and the kittens—four orange tabby males and two tortie females—were the cutest things, even though they spent a lot of time hissing and spitting.

    I'll make a long story short by saying that I gave away the kittens—three to a vet, three to private households—and adopted the mom. I wasn't planning on it, but I had to hold onto her so long before I managed to get her fixed that before I knew it, we belonged to each other. She was used to being in the house, and I couldn't just kick her outside. So the short of it is that I now have two tabbies, one silver and one orange, both spaded females.

    I learned about the problems with the feral cat population, and the "fix and release" method of keeping the population steady. Now I want to fix and release more feral cats, though I won't be keeping any more of them. I own my own trap and want to help others by making sure fewer kittens are born.

    As for my meds, I changed doctors since I could tell that my pdoc didn't want to give me my meds free anymore. The new doctor is willing to see me less often. I also learned about buying meds from Canada, found I could even get a generic of my prescription not available here in the U.S, and can even somewhat afford it – about $200 U.S. dollars for a three months' supply. She wants me to have a blood test to test for thyroid problems, which can cause depression, but I haven’t been able to get to it yet. I will, as I do feel it should be ruled in or out.

    On the spiritual front:

    In August, I got to go to my denomination's annual General Conference, held in upstate New York this year. It was so awesome! I attended the whole week and it was the best 500+ bucks I ever spent (including plane fare and everything).

    At Conference I was able to give a short version of my testimony at the Tuesday night worship service (largest group I've ever spoken to), and made connection with Andrew Camenga about writing for the Helping Hand. I was later given my first assignment—two weeks of devotionals, due February 1.

    I also had the highest spiritual experience of my life at Sabbath Eve worship. Wow! What an awesome God we serve! For so long I have struggled with whether or not God is worthy of praise, even though I know that in my head. That night, I felt it in my heart.

    In September of this year Kathi moved her board off Delphi and was able to make regular appearances once again. For the first time in a long time I feel like I am just where I belong doing exactly what God wants me to do. What an awesome feeling! For so long I have felt like I was up on a shelf and God wasn't using me. To see that come to an end and really be able to sink my teeth into the new board has been awesome.

    So overall it's been a busy year, but good.

    Sunday, March 31, 2002

    poem: Into the Valley, I-IV

    {Later note: This is a series of poems I wrote over a two and a half year period. It constitutes one story. I'm placing it here because this is the day when #4 was pretty much completed. It just wasn't in it's final forum until I went back to it about two and a half years later.}

    9/22/00

    Into the Valley
    The sun is setting and the
    Wind is starting to blow,
    As we start down the path.
    I shiver.
    He wraps His cloak of promises around me
    To keep me warm.
    But the wind pays no attention to the cloak,
    Kicking up dust that gets in my eyes.
    It is dark, and we are alone.

    Even though Jesus is with me,
    I rage at God inwardly.
    A God who would let a world such as this
    Continue without check.
    A God who would die for the payment of my sin,
    Yet force me to bear this cross
    Not of my making,
    And suffer this pain I don't deserve.
    I am filled with anger.

    I can't see the other side of the valley.
    I see the valley, in all its horror,
    Spread out before me.
    But I cannot see its end.
    Does it have one?
    There is loose gravel beneath my feet
    And the stone underneath that is smooth.
    I could slip.
    Yes, I will slip.
    But I will not die. Instead,
    I will go on living this horror.
    Even though He is with me,
    I begin to cry.


    11/19/00

    Into the Valley II - Alone
    My feet slip on the path,
    I struggle to keep my balance.
    I take another halting step
    Deeper into the black sea beneath me--
    The valley below.
    I look for my Companion,
    But see no one.
    With a start I realize
    I am alone
    Still wearing the cloak
    He wrapped around me.

    I howl, I cry at this
    Injustice.
    But the wind picks up,
    Howling louder than me,
    Drowning my voice and
    Whipping my hair into my eyes.
    I pull His cloak tight around my fragile body, but
    It is no use.
    The wind is too strong.
    The sand from the path flies up, taunting me, and
    Rushes at my eyes,
    Stinging, burning.

    Why have You left me to
    Fight these monsters in my head
    Alone?
    It's dark, so dark.
    And cold.
    I am afraid.
    The moon is waning, almost new.
    It will not rise until dawn,
    And by then it will be too late.
    I can't find You.
    I'm so angry, Lord.
    I'm so hurting.
    I'm so lost.


    12/27/00

    Into the Valley III - Retreat
    The night seems to grow darker,
    Thicker.
    If that is even possible.
    I rage at the One who has put me here.
    You have betrayed me!
    I hate You.
    I take another step forward and
    Fall.

    Why does the path suddenly dip down?
    I squint into the darkness.
    Indeed, it is steeper, perilously steeper.
    I cannot see where--if ever--it levels out.
    I retreat a few step, crawling.
    I sit, the pebbles and rock
    Cold and uneven under me.
    Why have You led me here?

    I wonder about going back to the trailhead,
    And figure I could make it to the top.
    I look up the trail.
    Yes, I will do it!
    But I take barely one step, before a
    Lion--as out of thin air--appears, baring its teeth.
    I stumble back.
    Lord, why do You hate me so?


    3/31/02
    Edited 10/5/04

    Into the Valley IV - The Way Out
    It is You who led me into the valley,
    Into a dark, windy, cold night we walked,
    I lost sight of Your love, could only feel pain,
    The rebuke of the One who sought.

    But today I realize that I made it out,
    And never thanked you in word.
    So thank You, Father, for bringing me out.
    Thank You that my prayers have been heard.

    So out of the valley we walked hand in hand,
    Out of the valley there was no blowing sand.
    Out in the sunlight, I've made it through.
    Thank You for staying by me and being You.

    Tuesday, February 26, 2002

    poem: The Morning After

    {A poem about 9/11.}

    The Morning After
    Life goes on, world goes 'round,
    Fallen shadows, with no sound
    But cries and heartbreak, tearful nights,
    Of those who lived to see the sight.

    Months of cleanup, dusty air,
    Thousands dead, we gawk and stare.
    Tearing, ripping, hearts aflame,
    All is different, ne'er again the same.

    I cannot cry, though close I've come,
    I cannot shed a tear, not one.
    I wish I could, to let it out,
    Instead of being so strong and stout.

    God bless those who died and left
    Wives, husbands, children, now bereft.
    And God bless those of us still here,
    Help us to realize life is dear.

    Tuesday, February 05, 2002

    Short-term prayer request

    I've decided I want to get a kitten. I want something to love and love me back, have something that looks to me to meet its needs.

    I sublet (like renting), so I need to clear this with the owner. He's a live-in owner and owns two grown cats, one of which I adore. :)

    If I ever have to move and can't find a place that allows cats, a friend of mine [Eleanor] says she will take it in, so that's covered.

    Pray that I'll be allowed to get a cat and that it will all work out between the owner and I (I don't need him getting upset at my over anything, cat or non-cat related).

    Tuesday, January 08, 2002

    Innocence Dies: 2001 – The Day America Cried

    December 24 and 31, 2001
    Updated January 8, 2002

    It began like any other day. But it wasn’t. It was a day that we will mark time by – before or after?

    It seems absurd on the surface to write of a year, and focus primarily on just one day. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. But this year I must. This year, all things pale in the light – or should I say darkness? – of that one day.

    September 11, 2001 – oh God, how could You have let these terrorist attacks happen? But You did. And it has brought us together. We are united. We will stand. We are Americans. I have never in my life been so proud of that.

    I think we all felt numb the day it happened. The mere thought of carrying on as normal, going through the motions, seemed like sacrilege. But we had to. Even as thousands died and millions (including all of us) mourned. Even as life stopped for so many, and changed for so many more.

    How could they attack our country? How could they kill us so crassly? How could they do it in the name of God? But they did. And it’s over. And we have to go on. And we will, because we are Americans.

    It seems sacrilege to write of any other happenings this year, but I must. This year was another turning point for me when I started on meds. I can’t believe how much Zoloft has helped me. I pray God will keep His promise to me to not worry about how I will pay. He has been faithful so far.

    And of course, I can’t fail to mention the gift. How could I forget the gift? Spending three days at Charles’ house and meeting his new wife and kids was pure, unmerited grace. I didn’t ask for it, and I certainly don’t deserve it. Thank You, God. I don’t know why You keep doing these things for me.

    Once I said I was glad to see the year end because it had been so hard. But I wasn’t. Not really. I lied because it seemed the right thing to say and because I wanted to leave the pain behind.

    But the pain doesn’t go away. It comes into the new year with us. So I don’t want to say good-bye to 2001. It’s sacrilege, and lying, to leave some things in the past. I will always – always – remember September 11, and it should not be forgotten. I don’t want to leave it in the past as we enter this new year. Indeed, it won’t stay in the past; it is a present reality, even in 2002.

    So as I say good-bye to 2001, I will not let go of that one day, even as I embrace whatever the next September 11 holds. May God bless me, this new year, and may He bless and heal my country.

    Saturday, October 20, 2001

    That prayer thing again

    [Name accidentally deleted] a while back challenged me to keep a prayer journal to see if I really got answers to my prayers, his point being that God doesn't exist. I went home and dug out an old prayer journal. It has one page of notes, with prayer requests dating from March, 1997 to January, 1998.

    The first thing that jumped out at me is how many people I don't know anymore. About half the list is people I no longer have contact with. Jodie, Alisa, Joe, John...it's hard to evaluate a prayer request when you don't know the person you were praying for anymore. ;)

    I do know one thing. Since I've been praying the last several weeks - getting serious about prayer for the first time - I've felt different. And isn't that what prayer is really about - changing us? We don't always get what we want. Sometimes God says "no" when we really want a "yes." Sometimes the answer comes in a form we didn't imagine. Sometimes people's free will will push God away and not make an answer possible.

    But it's changing me, and I think that's the point. We can't change God, but through prayer, we can allow Him to change us. I'm tasting something beautiful for the first time. I won't give that up.

    Thursday, October 11, 2001

    Muslims are NOT the enemy!

    Isn't this just what Satan would like us to believe? "Muslims and their evil Quran preach hate about you Christians." Have any of us read the Quran? Taken the time to understand it? Then how can we pass such an arrogant, sweeping judgement about millions of people?

    If we think they are the enemy, perhaps we should step back, challenge our own assumptions, and risk learning something new. Here are some resources on Islam from About.com (similar to Delphi for anyone who doesn't know).

    http://islam.about.com/mbody.htm main Islam forum page

    http://islam.about.com/blintroa.htm a basic intro. to Islam

    http://islam.about.com/blattack.htm the Islam resource page on September's attacks

    http://islam.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iiie.net%2FBrochures%2FBrochure-01.html another article on beliefs

    http://islam.about.com/library/weekly/aa092401a.htm an article from the guide about violence against Muslims after Sept. 11

    http://forums.about.com/ab-islam/start the forum, for asking questions and talking about Islam

    Thursday, July 19, 2001

    My last two weeks

    Ok, it all started about 3 weeks ago. I mentioned in an e-mail to the group about the letter to God my counselor told me to write. It was a very angry letter. I said things I knew I shouldn't say, but she told me to speak my mind, and I did!
    Less that a week later I was at taize. After I had come back from praying at the cross, I returned to my seat on the floor (I prefer to sit on the floor at taize), and felt an overwhelming urge to bow before Him. So I did. Right there where I sat. He didn't speak. I hardly said anything except to tell Him that my heart was not completely right with Him, so how could He be asking me to bow before Him?

    And then I laid down just as an unfamiliar chant began. I don't remember how it went, only that it had to do with God's presence and gaze enfolding us. I almost felt like I was lying in His hand. I could have stayed there all night, just as I could have stayed bowed before Him all night. It was one of those magic moments when time touches eternity, and you are refreshed, with a renewed belief in His love for you, and a renewed hope that even the darkest night will end. It is one of those moments when I can believe that He is GOOD.

    Fast forward to yesterday. I was talking to Theotwelve on IM when I realized something. I've known it forever, but at that moment I really KNEW it for the first time. In all the hell I've been through the past 18 months (and counting), He is trying to accomplish something good. He is trying to set me free! I can see how bound I have been by fear and circumstances. Through the Zoloft He is helping me to deal with the fear, though I know I will never be well without counseling and His active Presence. I can finally see some bonds being loosed...slowly, but it is happening.

    I am beginning to understand now that He didn't want to hurt me as He did, but there was no other way to get my attention (a fact I will freely attest to), and that His ultimate purpose was good. I couldn't see that at the time, but I see it now. I would never go back to the way things were before He wounded me. I've come too far and am just glimpsing light and freedom on this side I never dreamed possible. (And I've barely started down this long path!) I am coming to understand--to really KNOW--what God means when He says He will hurt His people, and then promises to bind their wounds up. What a glorious vision!

    And, for the icing on the cake, my counseling session today. I told my counselor about how I had written the angry letter to God and then less than a week later had God touch me at taize. I was thinking that He touched me IN SPITE of what I had written. My counselor thought their was a correlation between the two events, and I realized that what she was saying was that He touched me BECAUSE of what I'd written! Wow! What a vision of God! A God who loves me so much that when I lash out in anger, He reaches back in love (come to think of it, this is par for the course with Him).

    Anyway, I wanted to share all that. It's been quite a ride here. I have also worked through a lot of my intellectual questions with Lee Strobel's "The Case For Faith." And also the communion question--don't know if I told the e-mail group about that or not. Theotwelve was a big help and I shared our IM conversation with my pastor who told me Ted was right in what he said. So I guess I will take communion next time I have the chance.

    Monday, June 18, 2001

    A Letter to God

    June 18, 2001
    Revised: June 21, 2001
    Chicago, IL


    How do I trust? Isn’t that what it all boils down to—trusting Who I cannot see, cannot touch, cannot feel? I don’t want to grow, dammit! I want to go back to The Way Things Were Before. Before You changed, and tried to change me.

    But I know You have not changed. You have revealed something of Yourself I have not seen before, something terrifying, frightening, unsettling. It is something of the heart of a Father, something I have long avoided. It is the part of You that wishes me to become mature, the part of You that is answering my oft repeated prayer, "Make me into the woman You want me to be." Indeed, we need to be careful what we ask You for!

    I have not forgotten who I am and Whom I belong to, but in the darkness I have lost sight of Your goodness. I admit to not being sure who You are anymore, or what I can expect from this unique relationship.

    Who are You that You would inflict this upon me, or even "merely" allow it? Who are You to put the creation You claim to love through this hell called life, then say "no" to healing when it is so pleadingly asked for? What good are you anyway? But I have only questions. No answers. No peace.

    Yet sometimes I can almost believe You are good. There have been so many moments over the past 10 days when You have given me more than I could have hoped for or believed. Working on the Trail, meeting Michael, if only for a couple of hours, even just spending a quiet Sabbath afternoon reading with my feet up, sipping a drink and listening to the breeze rustling in the trees. At moments like that I taste something of Your goodness, something of eternity, and I almost believe.

    That is what it all comes down to, isn’t it? Eternity, heaven, the glory that makes earthly suffering pale in significance? It is our hope, our only real hope.

    So Father, I don’t know who You are anymore, and I have more questions than answers. I don’t trust Your heart or Your character. Above all, I don’t really understand anything anymore. Truly when I had all the answers figured out, the questions changed.

    God, only You can tame this anger within me, an anger toward You, an undercurrent all along. I pray You will overcome this in my life. I know that I am in Your hands. Since I don’t trust You, that terrifies me.

    I could go on, but I would only have more questions, and You don’t seem to interested in providing answers. But I suppose that’s the point: if You gave me what I asked for—healing, answers, a personal appearance—I would have no need of faith, and somehow, in some way I can’t understand, faith means that much to You. Faith, and maturity, but we already covered that.

    Other than shrieking at You in anger, rambling, incoherent, this is really all I have to say. I pray that You will hold on tight to me through this wilderness, until I come out the other side into the light of a new day.

    Sunday, April 22, 2001

    poem: Sojourner of the Shadows

    Sojourner of the Shadows
    I'm a sojourner in the Valley of Baca,
    The trees close in, I lose my Guide.
    The darkness falls, and wolves, they threaten.
    You promised to stay at my side.

    But You forsook me and You left me,
    And anger wells up within.
    So I wanted to trust You and make this work,
    But I can't, so I do this worst sin.

    I loved You but I've lost you,
    You, Creator of earth and sky.
    The pain falls soft upon my shoulders,
    And I only want to die.

    But You hate me so I live on,
    In a world bereft of Light.
    Betrayed, I stand in the shadows,
    And fear the approaching night.

    Tuesday, April 03, 2001

    Letter to the Editor

    A letter to the editor of the Sabbath Recorder, the official magazine for my denomination. They did not publish it.


    Dear Editor,

    This letter has been a long time in coming. This issue has been niggling at my mind for a while, and I just can’t keep silent any longer. People may disagree with me—I may even be way off—but I have to go out on a limb and speak up.

    I hear a lot of talk about the Sabbath in this magazine and at my church. This is not a bad thing. We need to wrestle with and define how this issue effects us individually and as a Sabbath keeping community. What I see is some double-mindedness when it comes to how the Sabbath is kept. I can’t speak for how widespread a problem this may be, but I suspect the problem may go beyond my church.
    People go out to eat between the Sabbath hours, every week. People also shop for the evening meal Sabbath afternoon. This specifically violates the commandment to give your slaves and servants rest that day, along with yourself. After all, aren’t restaurant workers who serve us acting in the capacity of our servants? Aren’t grocery store checkers the same? Isn’t that what God gave us Friday for—to prepare for the Sabbath?

    I understand the problems people encounter that keep us from keeping the Sabbath wholly holy. I understand that we have children, appointments, second jobs, and other things that eat away at the edges of the Sabbath and keep us busy long after dark Friday evening, with no time to prepare meals and so forth for the following day. But how can we expect God to bless us if we are hypocrites, saying one thing about the holiness of the Sabbath, and doing another?

    He can’t. He won’t. I’ve asked myself over and over since joining this church what makes our denomination so small, and the Adventists so large. And I’ve come to this conclusion: one reason they are blessed with growth when we are not is because what they say about the Sabbath, they do.

    Not only that, but they set a good example for their children. What kind of an example are we setting? I had one young adult, raised in the church, tell me that while she believed in the Sabbath concept, she wasn’t convinced that Saturday was the day. In other words, why couldn’t any day suffice? Another lady in my church had our double standard thrown back in her face by one of her little kids. When told she couldn’t go to the mall on Saturday, the child responded that we eat out, so what’s the difference? Folks, we are going to lose our children to the world!

    I write this in all sincerity, as one struggling sinner to another. I love this church, and I believe in what we teach. But I fear that our lack of growth may be due, in part, to two factors totally within our control: One, that we are not serious in our Sabbath keeping practices. This turns prospective new members off, leading them to other churches that practice what they preach. Two, we may be losing our own young people, our most precious asset. It could all be turned around with a little extra planning the rest of the week so that our Sabbaths can truly be Sabbaths.
    We need to educate ourselves and our children on this issue, and call ourselves back to holiness. Then God will bless us and we will grow.

    In Christ,
    Victoria Shephard

    Sunday, December 31, 2000

    A Look Back at 2000: The Dark Night of the Soul

    Asking "why" may be human, but it doesn’t make much sense anymore. It doesn’t even matter why, even though I know the reasons. This has been one of the worst years of my life—-right up there with the years I thought I had committed the unforgivable sin—-well, ok, a bit below that, but you get the idea.

    I don’t want to write about this year. It’s all too fresh in my mind. How could God do this to me? How could He let this happen? How could He engineer it with full knowledge of the pain that lay ahead for me? But these are merely disguised "why" questions, and as I previously stated, the whys don’t matter. What matters is where I find myself and what my reaction will be.

    For a long time God has been asking me to deal with some problems in my life, and for that long, I’ve refused. Keeping God at arm’s length and pretending the problems weren’t there was much easier. But He never allows situations like that to last, especially when they hinder our growth.

    The foundations were laid late last year with a "chance" meeting on the Internet. I put that in quotes because God knew full well what He was doing. Once I had befriended that lady, He knew she would set in motion a chain of events that would leave me no recourse but to seek counsel. And so in March, with no other alternative and backed into a corner, I did.

    And I prayed, prayed like I never have before, for direction, for help. In fact, I think I’ve prayed more this year than all the previous years combined. And I felt Him telling me to get counseling, and so I sought counseling, and in time, found my current counselor. It’s hard to talk about these things with him, much less on paper, so I am remaining general intentionally.

    I am working through the problems. It will take time. It will be painful. I do not understand why God allows us to struggle with problems not of our making, but I understand that that will be my lot and the lot of every person alive until He makes all things new once and for all. We live in a sin cursed creation.

    This year has been a dark night of the soul for me, one reason why I will be very glad when it is over. Bid farewell to the pain and step into a new year. Last year I looked forward to 2000 with promise and hope—what new things would this year bring? I had no idea of the pain and hurt and depression I would have to go through, and I was unprepared for answers to prayer that were other than what I wanted.

    This will be remembered in my memory as the year when I prayed for healing of my mental health, prayed to be made normal, prayed for removal of my problem, and, even though I told God He would get all the glory if such a healing occurred, He said "no." To one of the most important prayers I have ever prayed. "No."

    I have long suspected that there may be something wrong with me. My counselor says it is just "Boundaries" issues, but it must go deeper than that. Boundaries can’t hurt this bad. I have been feeling depressed and anxious from the counseling, as well as having many suicidal thoughts, and have had to resort to St. John’s Wort to deal with those.

    I hate it. I hate it all. And I resent the hell out of God for putting me through this. I am reminded of a quote by St. Teresa of Avila that I have used often this year in e-mail and bulletin board signatures—-"Lord, if this is how You treat Your friends, no wonder You have so few."

    I have freely admitted that likely nothing short of what He did would have moved me to action. He had tried everything else with no success. Though He is patient, He will chastise His children severely if other milder forms of correction don’t work. That’s what happened here.

    Though Hebrews 12 says that discipline proves we are His children, let me tell you that is little consolation when the storm breaks fresh and heavy upon you and you are smothered under the weight. Let me tell you it’s little consolation even now, months later.

    There is a part of me that is so angry and so scared that it wants to hurt Him, hurt Him as much as He has allowed me to be hurt. What kind of a Father stands idly by while His children suffer?

    And yet, there are times when I can still believe God is good. As I write this first draft, it is Christmas Day, and I remember that today we celebrate a God who loved us so much that He became man to die the death that we deserve. He, the eternal God, put on a body—-a body He will always have, and that will bear the scars forever.

    The dark night of the soul is still upon me. I see myself slowly descending into a valley. There is no moon, and I cannot see if this valley has an end. I know my Father led me here, but I am scared. The night is cold and dark and windy and just begun—-it is a long time until dawn.

    Lord, keep me safe. This has been a hard year, and though I am angry at You and disappointed, I can see Your hand in this year—helping me to find a counselor, and answering my prayers, even if I didn’t like the answer. Please help 2001 to be better than this year has been. Please help me to grow closer to You through the difficulties that lie ahead. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

    [Edit: This is no date on this, so I am just picking a date for it.]

    Tuesday, October 31, 2000

    What Is Our Role?

    [Note: Not sure exactly when this was written, but my file says the last update was Oct. 31, 2000, so I'll go with that.]

    I’ve often wondered, what is my role as a woman in the Seventh Day Baptist church? What is my role in my local congregation, and in the denomination as a whole? What role does God want women to play in their churches?

    The controversy over the ordination of woman is one that has touched most every Christian denomination, Catholic and Protestant alike. Ours is no exception.

    Some people argue that since the Bible says "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28), that therefore women can be ordained and hold any position in the church that they so choose or that they feel God is calling them to.
    Other people say that since the Bible says "But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet" (1 Timothy 2:12), that women should not be pastors or teachers, unless they are teaching other woman, or children.

    How do we reconcile these seemingly contradictory verses to discover God’s will for us women?

    First, let me say that there are many fine people on both sides of this issue, even right here in this denomination. I would not presume on any person’s salvation for not agreeing with my views because we are not saved by theology, but by faith. I do not wish to impugn or disparage those in our denomination who are woman pastors. I offer this article in Christian love, to give another perspective than that often espoused.

    Certainly there are many times when woman have great privileges in the church. In the Old Testament Deborah was a prophetess and judge. She spoke for God to Israel, and showed great leadership qualities when it came to saving Israel from her oppressing Canaanite neighbors. Moses’ sister Miriam was a prophetess.

    We also find prophetesses mentioned in the New Testament. In Acts 21:9 we find a Philip with "four virgin daughters who were prophetesses." And in Acts 2:36, as Jesus is being presented at the temple when He was eight days old, we find the prophetess Anna recognizing Him as the Messiah and proclaiming that in the temple. So woman obviously do have a role. The question exactly is, "What role?"

    Let’s begin with Galatians 3:28. I contend that the meaning of this verse is not that woman can hold any office they want, but simply that all people can be forgiven in Christ, that there are no people that have more privileges than others before God. God does not play favorites.

    The basic thrust is unity (1), that the Gospel is for all and all are saved on the same basis for the same purpose of service. We are one in Christ. The verse before this talks about how we are all baptized into Christ, and the verse after talks about how if we belong to Christ, we are Abraham’s descendants. It has nothing to do with women being pastors or teachers. To use this verse to prove that is nothing more than reading into the text what isn’t there.

    Let’s move onto 1 Timothy 2:12. For the record it states, "But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet." First, this verse cannot mean that a woman is never to speak in church for 1 Corinthians 11:5 states that "every woman who has her head uncovered while praying or prophesying disgraces her head, for she is one and the same as the woman whose head is shaved." We can see from this verse that woman were allowed to pray and prophecy in the churches, which certainly involved public speaking!

    First Timothy 2:12 states very clearly, in language that cannot be mistaken, that women cannot be pastors and teachers in the church, since she is not to exercise authority over a man and any woman preaching to the congregation is de facto head over every man there. Moreover, vv. 13-14 gives the reasons she should not teach or preach: Adam was created first and then Eve. If Paul had meant his admonition to only be applicable to a certain city or a certain time, he would not have traced his reason back to creation.

    So there is a division of roles between the sexes in the church. Some positions are better held my men, and some by woman. As we saw in Galatians, no person is more important than any other person, and no role is more important than any other role. God has set the boundaries of what roles can be played by who, and we should abide by those if we call ourselves Christians. This raises the question, "If women cannot be pastors or teachers, what roles can they play?"

    First, while a woman cannot be head over a man, she can certainly teach Sabbath School to the children (as indeed a mother would do with her children, instilling the love of God in them from a young age).

    Secondly, there are many acts of service that she can do for the church. Perhaps she can set up the church for the services, or help out with the potluck or clean up after the service and fellowship are over. Maybe the church bulletin needs to be made and photocopied each week. Perhaps she can collect used clothes for poorer members of the congregation (see Acts 9:39 for another idea along these lines). There are any number of jobs around the church that she can help out with.

    Third, and more pertinent to the more active role that many women wish to play in the church today, she can be a deaconess. Scholar Samuele Bacchiocchi has this to say about deaconesses. "Female deacons were needed in the early centuries when the sexes could not mingle freely. According to the Didascalia they performed a great variety of services in the care of women, including assistance at the baptism and burial of women, the catechizing of women and caring for sick women at home. They never functioned, however, as heads of the community, but served in a role auxiliary to that of the pastors, elders and bishops." (2)

    Fourth and last, they can exercise a prophetic ministry, if God has given them that spiritual gift. This has nothing to do with showy sign-gifts and everything to do with "edification, encouragement, counseling and consolation. The chapter most descriptive of the prophetic ministry is found in 1 Corinthians 14. Here Paul explains that the person ‘who prophesies speaks to men for their upbuilding and encouragement and consolation. . . . He who prophesies edifies the church’ (1 Cor 14:3-4; cf. Acts 15:21)." (3)

    So while it might be hard sometimes for us women to grapple with the question of our role in the body of Christ, the Bible gives us everything we need to know about what God says our role should be. I know I am only beginning to explore this subject, and only beginning to define the role I should play. But that’s okay. As a popular bumper sticker proclaims, "God ain’t finished with me yet!"

    We should all pray, asking God to show us where He wants us and what we should do. We should all speak with love toward one another, not criticizing others for their differing views, but discussing with them. Above all, we should remember that we are all brothers and sisters in Christ, regardless of our feelings on this matter.


    1 Text note on Gal. 3:28, New American Standard Study Bible (Grand Rapids, Michigan), pg. 1711.
    2 Samuele Bacchiocchi, Woman in the Church (Chap. 2)
    3 Ibid., Chap. 2

    Wednesday, June 28, 2000

    Letter to ABC News about "The Search For Jesus"

    Dear Mr. Westin [Note: David Westin, President, ABC News],

    I was appalled by the recent TV "news" program The Search For Jesus. It was some of the most irresponsible journalism I have ever seen in my life. I was a journalism major in college and any amateur can tell you that a responsible journalist gets all sides of a story. Instead, Peter Jennings highlighted three leaders of the Jesus Seminar, as well as other liberal scholars, and presented them as if they were the majority consensus opinion. The Jesus Seminar is hardly representative of serious scholarship. One person, and only one, came forward with a conservative view, and he was given less airtime than anyone else. I also came away with the feeling that he was included almost as an afterthought, as if the producers said, "Well, we have to include one conservative in the program."

    This was indeed a sad day for journalism. Peter Jennings said things such as "Scholars say..." instead of "Some scholars say..." and then gave some liberal interpretation of the text, leaving viewers with the clear impression that nobody really believes the account of Jesus in the Bible anymore. What was Peter Jennings trying to do here, serious journalism, or presenting only one, very biased point of view? From what I could see, he had no intention of getting both sides of the story. And that takes The Search For Jesus out of the realm of journalism, for no serious journalist gets only one side of a story and then presents it as the only side.

    ABC did such a wonderful job with The Miracle Maker this past Easter. What happened?


    Sincerely,
    Victoria Shephard

    Thursday, January 13, 2000

    poem: Mourning My Virginity

    Mourning My Virginity
    A Promise Ring,
    With many promises besides,
    That you loved me,
    Thought I was beautiful, sexy.
    You made me feel worthy, lovable,
    That my pitiful life was worth something.
    It was beautiful, what we shared.
    A Camelot that lasted so many months -
    And then was gone.

    You weren't ready, you said,
    And I wondered about all your promises of "us" -
    YOU LIED!
    You walked away, turned off your love,
    And left me with a broken heart.
    I will never trust another man again
    When even those who talk marriage back off.
    I will remain single forever,
    Mourning my virginity.

    Tuesday, December 28, 1999

    A Look Back at 1999: Field of (Broken) Dreams

    In grade school I used to think about how old I would be when the millennium turned and I figured I’d be 28 going on 29. Now that time is here. Where have the years gone? I can now easily remember events that took place two decade—decades—ago. But I am here to focus on this last year, not the last 28. I’m doing this without the benefit of going through my journals from the past year, simply because I don’t feel like going through the trouble. So what is written here represents the things that stick out in my own memory.

    In contrast to all my past essays—whose very titles always included the word change—this year had remarkably little change. There was a move, to be sure, but the stability that marked this year was unusual. For example, I held the same job all year, at Family Radio.

    Speaking of Family Radio, I can’t be sure exactly when I became aware of how much the Statement of Belief issued by Family Radio in the fall of 1998 would effect me. It was either December of 1998 or January of 1999. The late date of all the changes that occurred caused me to say little about this in my essay last year. But there came that time in one of those months where I knew that I would have to sign to be a producer. And I chose not to. That led to me staying on in Network Control, eventually getting the full time overnight shift in the summer of this year. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

    In the spring I was kicked out of the place I was living with the lesbian woman. Even though I was only looking for places to sublet in San Francisco, I found a place to live in Oakland. This was difficult for me because I wanted to live in the City so bad. So this was in many ways the end of a dream.

    Come to think of it, I gave up a lot of dreams this year. I gave up my dream of being a producer, for either shortwave or domestic (this could have been December, but I’ll not nit-pick). I gave up my dream of being in the City. And I gave up the perfect swing shift offered to me.

    It happened like this. In the summer I was moved to the swing shift just in time for Don, who worked the overnight shift, to quit. They moved me to his shift until they could permanently fill it. Right at this point, out of the blue, an idea, a question, that had been percolating in the back of my mind for a long time, came to the fore. I had to know what day of rest the Christian was commanded to keep. I knew that Pastor Innes taught rest on Sundays, and many church members tried to do just that. I had, in fact, been keeping a "Sunday Sabbath" for quite a while, and found it a great time management technique for someone overwhelmed with work and school.

    Now I began my search in earnest. I read everything I could get my hands on, and asked lots of questions. I talked to Pastor Sneedin. I did Internet searches. And I finally visited the Bay Area Seventh Day Baptist Church, something I had been meaning to do for a long time and just had "never gotten around to." The pastor there, Pastor Steve, gave me Samuele Bacchiocchi’s book From Sabbath To Sunday. I spent many nights at work pouring over that book and contemplating its message.

    Time was short. I had to make a decision, at least a preliminary one, before someone was hired or I would have to work Saturdays. (The shift I had been offered was swing, Tuesday-Saturday.) When I was more sure than not sure, I asked first that when I went to the swing shift, that I be given Friday and Saturday as my days off instead of Sunday and Monday. They said they could not accommodate me. I then asked to be kept on the overnight shift. (This shift was Sunday-Thursday night so it gave me the Sabbath off.) They said they had already hired someone and as soon as his training was complete, I would be transferred to swing. I was told this person could not work swing. That ruined the backup plan I had.

    I spent many nights at work crying and praying that things would work out so I could keep the Sabbath. I felt God telling me to sit tight and wait for him. Less than a week before I was to start working Sabbaths, the news came: the guy they hired had not worked out and I could keep the overnight shift if I wanted. I was overjoyed! Though I do not like this shift, I feel it is God’s will for me at this time. That makes it a little easier.

    Additionally, since the time I started working at Family Radio I have been moved from one department to another. This move to the graveyard shift marked my first permanent full-time shift in one department. I am grateful for that stability. (Last year I worked full time between two departments, three days a week for Karen, and two nights a week in Network Control. That lasted 8-9 months. This year I worked full time day shift in Network Control, but that was always understood to be temporary.)

    Between my work schedule (8-9 months of working Friday and Saturday overnights, leaving me exhausted on Sunday), and people getting married, plus a dearth of pastors at Hamilton leading to a dearth of church-based programs, all added up to a big lack of fellowship. While I loved my church, while a part of me felt I should remain loyal, the need in my soul said otherwise. I wanted out.

    I left at a time when two new pastors were just coming on staff and getting to know "the ropes." I left at a time, when, if I would have stayed just a little longer, I may have found a reason to stay. But the damage had already been done. I wanted out and the only thing that remained was to find the way.

    I left for six weeks, visiting other area churches, looking for one to join. I thought God was calling me back to Hamilton, so in obedience I went back—for two weeks. That was about the time the SDBs entered the picture, and I left (for what turned out to be) for good. I did not leave over the Sabbath issue; I left over fellowship issues. My needs simply weren’t being met anymore. That may seem selfish. I defend it as self-preservation.

    Since the time I began attending the SDB church, I have not left. There was a short transition period of about two weeks, but I was looking for a way out of Hamilton, and this provided that out. I dropped membership at Hamilton in August, and joined the SDB church in September. They are a small church and so the fellowship is wonderful.

    I guess a wrap-up of this year wouldn’t be complete without mentioning Mike in passing. I really thought I was in love—actually, yes, I was—and I don’t know what fell apart or why. He only said that we had our issues to work on, and they needed to be worked on separately. He naively said he wanted to just be “friends.” I know that never works out and rejected that. That was early December and we have not spoken since. This is the first time I’ve "dated" (even if it was long distance—we met on the Internet) since I was saved. It is hard to have your heart broken. How do you forgive a brother in Christ for something like that? I dreamed of him being my husband. Now that dream, too, is gone.

    After that lowlight of the year, perhaps I should mention the highlight: Charles’ visit in September, and his short layover at the airport two weeks later in October. He was here on business in September and spent a few days here. We got to spend real, good quality time together, the first and likely last time that will happen. But it filled a long-standing desire within me, the desire to spend some time with the dear man who led me to Christ. We spent lots of time talking and one day gallivanting around the City. I came away from that feeling satisfied. God has been gracious to me to give me that time with him, something so long desired, so long denied.

    So here I stand wondering where the year went. It always seems so short by the time December comes. And I am also at the edge of a new millennium. What will the millennium bring? If the last year of the old millennium was marked by a lack of change, what of the new year, and—where I will spend the rest of my life—the new millennium? I am aware of the blessing of being alive at this time to see this new millennium come. And I know that whatever happens, whether there is much change or little in 2000, God will be with me through it all.

    Tuesday, June 15, 1999

    "Sabbath" & "week"

    My friend Joe T. wrote to Dr. Erwin Gane on my behalf in June of 1999. Here is the letter he sent, giving my question and its background.


    Mr. Gane,

    My name is Joe (deleted). I am a member of the (church name deleted). We met last time you spoke there. I had asked you some questions in regards to Greek and Hebrew and Bible translations.

    I have a friend of mine who works for Family Radio. She is struggling with the Sabbath issue. She seems to be leaning towards the seventh day, but has been given information by her co-workers and Mr. Camping’s theology that the following verses she that God changed the Sabbath. They says the Greek translates the true meaning and modern Bibles do not. What do you think of this? What does the Greek say in those verses? I am going to forward this to her ASAP once you have written back.

    I appreciate your time with this. I really enjoy when you come to speak at our church. Below are the verses. I do not believe this to be correct. Can you give us input? Anything to help my friend. I know no Greek or Hebrew.

    God’s peace to you and your family,

    Joe (last name deleted)

    Joe continues:

    How can Mr. Camping say these are proof texts to change the Sabbath by God?

    Matthew 28:1 – Which they say should correctly be translated, “In the end of the Sabbaths (plural) as it began to dawn toward the first of the Sabbaths (instead of “week”), came Mary Magdalene…” They say the word for “Sabbaths” is the same as the word translated “week.”

    The other verse references they cite are Mark 16:1-2, Luke 24:1, and John 20:1, which they also cite as being incorrectly translated in the same way.

    -------------------------

    I received the following e-mail from Joe with Dr. Gane’s response.

    Matthew 28:1, “the first day of the week.”

    Sabbaton occurs in the New Testament sixty-eight times, and is translated “Sabbath” fifty-nine times, and “week” nine times. These nine references are Matthew 28:1; Mark 16:2; Luke 18:12, 24:1; John 20:1, 19; Acts 20:7; 1 Cor. 16:2.

    All Greek scholars, Jewish and Christian, are in agreement as to the correctness of translating sabbaton by “week.” The following authoritative statements are typical:

    “WEEK (Hebrew shabua, plural shabu’im, shabu’ot;…New Testament Greek, sabbaton, sabbata: A division of time comprising seven days, thus explaining the Hebrew name.” --The Jewish Encyclopedia, vol. 12, p. 481, art. “Week.”

    “The expression hebdomas [a Greek word for ‘week’] is not found in the New Testament, but rather sabbaton (e.g. Luke 18:12) or sabbata (e.g. Matthew 28:1), used, however, in the sense of it.” --Schaff-Herzog Encyclopedia of Religious Knowledge (ed. 1891), vol. 4, p. 2484, art. “Week.”

    “Of the two Hebrew names for “week” one is derived from the number seven, and the other is identical with ‘Sabbath,’ the day which completes the Jewish week. The New Testament takes over the latter word, and makes a Greek noun of it.” --Hastings’ Bible Dictionary (ed. 1924), p. 936, art. “Time.”

    “The Hebrew shabhua, used in the Old Testament for ‘week,’ is derived from shebha, the word for ‘seven.’ As the seventh day was a day of rest or Sabbath (Hebrew shabbath), this word came to be used for “week,” as appears in the New Testament. (sabbaton, -ta), indicating the period from Sabbath to Sabbath (Matt. 28:1). The same usage is implied in the Old Testament (Lev. 23:15; 25:8).” --The International Standard Bible Encyclopedia (ed. 1915), vol. 5, p. 2982, art. “Time.”

    “The plural sabbata…means a week as well as a Sabbath or Sabbaths. (comp. Mark 16:2; Luke 24:1; John 20:1, 19; and Matt. 28:1)…Sabbata in the second clause [of Matthew 28:1] certainly means ‘week’ and not the Sabbath day.” --John Peter Lange, “A Commentary on the Holy Scriptures,” translated by Philip Shaff, comments on Matthew 28:1.

    In Luke 18:12 sabbaton must be translated “week” in order to make sense. The Pharisee prayed, “I fast twice in the week [sabbatou].” It would have been foolish for him to say that he fasted twice on the Sabbath. The text makes sense only when sabbatou is translated “week.”

    Some have tried to argue that Luke 18:12 should read, “I fast two Sabbaths,” that is, two of the fixed Sabbaths in the year. But the Greek will not permit this. The word dis, translated “twice,” is an adverb, and cannot be properly be translated “two.” In this text, the word sabbatou, translated “week,” is in the singular number, which is never translated by the plural form “Sabbaths” in our English Bible.

    Some argue that the Greek word for “day” is not found in the phrase “first day of the week.” The Greek phrase in Matthew 28:1 is mian sabbaton. As far back as 1899 a scholarly Sundaykeeper exploded that argument: “No Greek word for ‘day’ occurs in any of the passages [that is, in Matt. 28:1 and parallel passages]. Made for simple readers of English, that statement lacks candor. Said word is there, latent, to a much greater degree than it is in our phrase, ‘The twenty-fifth of the month.’…The adjectival word mian is in the feminine gender, and an immutable law requires adjective modifiers to agree with their nouns in gender. Sabbaton is of the neuter gender, and out of the question. What feminine Greek word is latent in this phrase, and yet so patent as to reflect upon this adjectival numeral its feminine hue? Plainly the feminine word hemera, ‘day,’ as analogously is found in Mark 14:12, prote hemera ton azumon, ‘the first day of unleavened bread.’ Boldly to aver that ‘no Greek word for “day” occurs in any of these passages,’ is to blind the simple English reader to the fact that an inflected language, by its numerous genders and cases, can indicate the presence and force of latent words to an extent undreamed of in English…

    “As a vital or corroboratory part of any argument for the sanctifying of the Lord’s day. This travestied exegesis, instead of being a monumental discovery, is but a monumental blunder. Thereby our foes will have us in derision.” --Dr. Wilbur Fletcher Steele, “Must Syntax Die That the Sabbath May Live?” in the Methodist Review (New York), May-June, 1899.

    Prof. A.T. Robertson, D.D., one of the most eminent of modern Greek scholars, completely supports the view that sabbaton is correctly translated “week.” “Now about the case of sabbaton in the New Testament. It is the singular, the transliteration of the Hebrew word Sabbath, which was used for the seventh day of the week, as in John 5:9. The plural sabbata, is a transliteration of the Aramaic sabbatha.

    “Curiously enough, the Jews used the plural form in two ways, one way was for a single Sabbath, like the singular sabbaton. So in Josephus…Precisely this usage occurs in the New Testament, as in Luke 4:16, ‘on the Sabbath day,’…

    “But the word sabbaton, in the singular, was used also for the week which began [ended: Robertson made this correction in the Expositor, October, 1931.] with the Sabbath. So in Mark 16:9, we have proi prote sabbatou, ‘early on the first day of the week.’ Here proi is an adverb, but prote is a feminine adjective, locative, singular, agreeing with hemera (day) understood, while sabbatou is neuter gender, genitive, singular, so that it is impossible to render this ‘early on the first Sabbath.’ See also Luke 18:12.

    “But the plural sabbata is also used for week, as in Luke 24:1. In the preceding verse the singular occurs, to sabbaton, ‘they spent the Sabbath’ the verse next words in verse 1 are te de mia ton sabbaton, ‘on the first day of the week.” There we have mia used as an ordinal like prote, as is common in Koine. The same use of both mia for ‘first’ and the plural sabbaton for ‘week,’ we find in Matthew 28:1; Mark 16:2; John 20:1, 19; Acts 20:7.” --The Expositor, August 1931. [Note: Sabbaton, using an omicron is singular. Sabbaton using an omega is plural.]

    The translations of the Bible into the English of the King James Version and the more modern versions have been done by eminent Greek scholars. No reputable Greek scholar will translate Matthew 28:1 by “the first of the Sabbaths,” or “one of the Sabbaths.” For a discussion of the Sabbath question, see my book “You Ask, God Answers.”

    Wednesday, March 03, 1999

    poem: Holy Saturday

    3/3/99
    Holy Saturday (that's the day before Easter Sunday for those who don't know)

    Untitled
    Camelot evaporates,
    Like sun-warmed mist and dew
    It disappears.
    How am I to understand the pain,
    How am I to comprehend it?
    How am I to find my place in this world?
    I groan, eager for the redemption.
    But it is Easter Saturday, and the resurrection has not yet come.
    We have only a promise, for
    We live out our lives on Saturday.

    Thursday, January 21, 1999

    poem: Soft Butterfly

    {Later note: I work for a Christian employer. I wrote this during a particularly hard time at work last winter, my first real experience of seeing how badly Christians could hurt other Christians, whether or not they meant to. The witch hunt against Catholics, Adventists, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, and others touched everybody in one way or another. It was only by the grace of God my job was spared. This was a time of testing for me as I was confronted with hard choices of God and career and faith. I can see God's hand protecting me every step of the way. Sometimes He allows things to happen that are not His perfect will, but He will walk beside us. "I will never leave you nor forsake you." I praise Him for this promise.}

    Soft Butterfly
    Darkness flutters down landing
    Soft on my shoulders,
    Weighing like brick, crushing.
    Anger rises to meet the darkness,
    Fear swells.
    I let it wash over me,
    Exulting in merely being.
    It covers, smothers, passes.
    I cry,
    Standing alone in my conviction, alone in my pain.
    I thought there were no more tears--
    I was wrong.
    I thought my own brothers and sisters would not hurt me--
    I was a fool.
    We pay a price when we trust in circumstances
    Instead of in God,
    In others
    Instead of in Christ,
    In ourselves
    Instead of in the Spirit.
    Heal the pain, oh great Jehovah!
    Give me peace
    And teach me to forgive
    As I have been forgiven, for
    Darkness has fluttered down landing
    Soft on my shoulders.

    Saturday, December 05, 1998

    poem: Paper Swords

    {Later note: For Sylvia, Bob, and Gerry. They lost their jobs for refusing to sign the "Statement of Belief." God will honor their faithfulness to their consciences and convictions.}

    Paper Swords
    Why do we hurt each other, why do we backstab so,
    How can children of the living God decide to stoop so low?
    Deprive them of their livelihood, though all good people they,
    I have to wonder, if He were here--what would Jesus say?

    Chorus:
    They will know us by our love I'm told, who do we act so cold
    To sisters and brothers in the Lord, to wound with a paper sword?
    Yes, kill them with a paper sword.

    Storms beset and fears assail, our faith is tested much.
    We feel alone on a wave-filled sea, longing for a touch.
    Be still and know there is a God, and wait for Him to save,
    He will carry, guide, and lead, with His rod and stave.

    Chorus

    I know you feel betrayed and hurt by your flesh and blood,
    And they are His and so their sin is covered in the flood.
    But for you the flood is fearful, bitter tears.
    Wait on the Lord for He has shown faithfulness through the years.

    Chorus

    Grace, oh what scandal, what a risk to take on sin!
    A holy God did condescend, His Spirit dwells within,
    He plays no favorites, but forgives each of us the same,
    Not for us or for our sakes, but for the glory of His name.

    Chorus

    Friday, November 27, 1998

    poem: Evening Stillness

    Evening Stillness
    And it was all over--
    I knew it.
    But there were no tears to be shed,
    No eulogies to be said.
    No, it began in anger, but ended in a
    Stifling silence.
    There was nothing left to say.
    Like a snake we shouldn't have played with
    It wrapped itself around our bellies,
    Our hearts,
    Our eyes,
    Our ears,
    Our lives.
    We died so slowly that we did not know we were dead.
    It blinded, deafened, hardened.
    Why do we fight?
    Dead people lie still.

    Tuesday, August 11, 1998

    poem: Out of the Darkness

    Out of the Darkness
    In the shadow of the past, oh, that dark and dreary place!
    Jesus' blood pled o'er me, He my righteous case.
    Here's where darkness overcame, this place is the start,
    Where demons came and won a battle for this human heart.

    So far was I from the Son that day, so far and yet so near,
    But Satan came, pulled me away, so I would not even hear.
    He took me to a place of his, a place bereft of light,
    He thought the vict'ry won, he did; I lived years within the night.

    First Chorus:

    For shadows of the past there is but one remedy,
    Only Christ can come, enlighten, and cause the blind to see.

    Christ came and chased me as a hound after the prey,
    Intent on chasing from the dark into the light of day.
    And so He came, nipped at my heels, and put me on the run,
    But you can't outrun the Hound of Heaven, you can't outrun the Son.

    Second Chorus:

    Please don't shut Him out, oh no, don't turn from light of day,
    He is our Hope, Creator, Friend, the Life, the Truth, the Way.

    And so I gave my heart to Him; He heard and did draw near,
    And in that place of holy light, the shadows disappear.
    The darkness lost the war for me, though winning at the start,
    I am His and He is mine, He owns this human heart.
    Yes, I am His and He is mine, he owns my human heart.

    Thursday, July 23, 1998

    poem: Dancing With the Devil

    Dancing With the Devil
    I cannot do it on my own, I cannot see the way,
    I cannot walk the path alone and hope to find the day.
    Rebelliousness resides in me, a heart of stone have I,
    I cannot change it on my own, and to my old self die.

    A part of me loves the night, shrinks away from holy Light,
    Intent on living for itself, it gives up eternal wealth.
    I hate the darkness in my heart, the sin that keeps and holds apart
    Me from all Your grace and love, showered on me from above.

    Lord, You know what I have done, worshipped Satan, just for fun!
    Spurned Your love and spurned Your care, listened to the devil's dare--
    A dare to live just for myself, and put my God up on the shelf,
    Then take Him down once a week and for His face halfheartedly seek.

    Dancing darkness, devil's lies, not You, Lord, but "me" and "I,"
    Putting self in center true, is Satan's want and leaves out You.
    Overcome this stubborn heart, heart of stone to break apart,
    Putting flesh within its place, and filling me with holy grace.

    Wednesday, June 24, 1998

    poem: Someday

    Someday
    Someday the pain and tears will be over,
    Someday the work will be done, the harvest in,
    Someday, yes someday, the faith will be sight,
    Glad faces turned upward in joy of hope fulfilled.
    Then our final good-byes will become hellos -
    The grave has not triumphed,
    Death has itself had death imposed -
    Then we who toiled in the heat of the day,
    Side by side or miles apart,
    Will rest together in the shade of our Lord's presence.
    I have many people I will look for.
    Some will be surprised I am there.
    I can't wait to see their faces -
    "You? You made it here? Oh, God is so good!"
    Yes. Oh, yes. Our Lord is wonderful.
    And we will rejoice.
    Others will be friends I have not seen in years.
    I will find the lovely man who led me to Christ.
    There, at the foot of our Savior
    We will do together what in life we had always done apart.
    Worship.
    In that great someday the only tears shed will be of
    Joy, the only worship will be of
    Christ, the only life will be
    Eternal.
    Someday, my friend, we will meet and greet,
    Live and love,
    Joy and delight,
    At the foot of
    Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

    Thursday, April 09, 1998

    poem: Thorns and Scarlet

    Thorns and Scarlet

    Out of slavery, out of sin, out of Egypt, enter in.
    You our God and You our stay, You our Savior light the way.
    Blood of lambs upon our door, that the wrath of God won't pour
    On our homes, but rather save, redeem us when we were a slave.

    And then You came and taught in love, the glories of the One above.
    You came rebuked, reproved, and taught, and wept with sorrow as You sought
    All the lost, too numb too feel; show them love that You may heal
    Their hurts and failings of the past, as You put death to death at last.

    So thorns and scarlet wrap around, You let Your hands and wrists be bound,
    Beaten, spat on, mocked that day, the Son of God our crimes did pay.
    I cannot fathom love that fierce, love that would His own hands pierce.
    God let His anger fall on His Son, until He cried out, "It is done!"

    All glory to God and God alone, the God who loved and did atone
    For things that we should have to pay, but for us in love did lay
    Down His life that we may live, through the Son He did forgive
    All we've caused, pain and strife, and gave instead eternal life!


    (With thanks to Shantyman magazine for the title.)

    Wednesday, April 01, 1998

    Lessons of the Labyrinth

    I wrote this for a writing contest for a now-defunct devotional for high school and college students called Campus Journal. What has replaced it is Our Journey, a devotional available by paid subscription only. It was put out by RBC Ministries, and is now published by Walk in the Word.

    This was written sometime in the Spring of 1998, so I'm sticking it here as a rough guess.

    Here's the other contest entry I wrote.

    ----------


    Read: Psalm 46
    Verse: "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding." --Proverbs 3:5

    In Vacaville, California there is a huge maze called the Wooz. The point is to get through it, hitting each of the four towers, in a certain amount of time. It's tricky because it's so easy to get lost, backtrack the wrong direction, or otherwise wander aimlessly.

    Sometimes our lives seem like a maze, and at those times it can be difficult to trust God. Your boyfriend breaks up with you, you don't get the classes you want, you're turned down for the perfect job. The medieval symbol of the labyrinth offers insight into these contemporary problems.

    I walked a labyrinth once. It showed me things about life and trusting God.
    • The labyrinth I walked had no dead ends, no way to get lost. In this way, it differed from the Wooz. Christ at the center was the only and inevitable conclusion. Once Christ finds us we can't be lost again (John 10:28).
    • The room was dark and votive candles let the path. Sometimes our lives seem dark, but when we trust God we are given enough light to know the next step, and the next.
    • When life's pathways twist and turn and we can't see very far ahead, we need to remember that God is with us in our struggles. He cares. He can see the big picture. He has plans for our lives (Jeremiah 29:11).
    We must choose to trust Him, even when all evidence says He can't be trusted. Proverbs 3:5 says "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."

    It might seem that, like the Wooz, your life is a maze right now, but rest assured that if you are a Christian you are on a journey that ends at only one place - Jesus. Will you take the challenge and trust Him in the storms of your life today?


    Reflection

    Do I feel lost in a maze, or safely on the labyrinth's path with Christ?

    How has God showed His love for me? Is that a love I can trust with my life?

    In what areas of my life am I having difficulty trusting God? How can I begin to trust Him today?