I guess I should update the meds situation first. The meds arrived last Friday, and Brad was nice enough to drop them by my house. Not that I was that desperate; I just felt better with them in my hands.

Xena went to the vet on Wednesday. She was not amused. She was shedding like crazy she was so scared! They eventually took her into a back room and gave her two shots, one deworming pill, and clipped her claws (they charged me $12 for that!). All together it came to $100. This is one expensive cat!

I went to the pet store up the street from the vet after that, and bought some cat food, and a dog bed big enough for both of them. They have steadfastly refused to sleep on the bed. Wednesday night Abby laid curled up next to me, and Xena slept on her cardboard scratching post.

Thursday night Xena went out the back door. I started to get worried because not even the clicker trainer brought her back. She finally came back in - and promptly went out the front door, which was also open. I finally managed to get her in and up the stairs, but Abby's still out.

My nail lacquer for my fungal nail infection arrived this week, so I'm busy using it. The doctor said to put it on once a day, but the directions say every other day. I'm putting it on every day anyway. I want to get rid of this infection.

Here's what it looked like shortly after the doctor got done with it. He cut it way back, dug out all the crud, and then sanded down the high portion at the back that was growing straight up. It sounds awful, but it didn't hurt at all. I wish I had a "before" picture to post.

God seems to be working in Wolf's life. What he will do with it, I don't know, but God is definetly at work. God spoke to him and simply said, "I love you," and it seems to have really rocked his world. (Yay God!) Bobby (Clip the Apex) has recently made the jump and professed faith. Chris has asked God to get rid of the critters in her life, and He did. (Self-deliverance anyone?) And of course Veronica gave her life to Christ a couple weeks ago. Of course we've been praying for everybody.

Susan in in the hospital to have her gall bladder removed. The situation is quite a bit stickier than that, but that's what it boils down to. She has stones that are having trouble passing. Surgery will be either later today or Saturday.

No wonder people on the board, like K and Susan, are having problems. God is at work!

Lost medication?, take 5

Ok, last update for the night, and then maybe I can finally eat. So far I've been too stressed to care. Talked to Canadameds on the phone. They said they have delivery confirmation that it arrived here at 11:10 this morning.

I talked to the front desk, but they had nothing. I searched the "mailroom" but nothing was there. The guy in our little mini post office here was already gone for the day, but his supervisor let me in and we searched the office. No package.

He said it would be impossible to know what time something was delivered to this building, so perhaps it was delivered at 11:10 to the main post office where we pick up our mail. (As a company, we have hundreds of pieces of mail each day.) They said to wait until tomorrow and see if that's what going on. I'm off tomorrow, but I will call. (Please pray that's where it is!)

[signs off to read messages and eat her long-cold burrito]

Lost medication?, take 4

I will check with Brad at work tomorrow on the off chance that it's just been delayed and arrives late.

Lost medication?, take 3

I keep trying to call Lupe, but she's still not in her office.

I tried calling my old doctor (a clinic who always has samples on hand), but they said I'd have to come in as a new patient ($200) because I've been away too long, and that they couldn't get me in for a month anyway. So that was pointless. (I was in tears at this point.)

I tried to call the company (Canadameds.com), but the number keeps connecting me to a local number. (I've had this problem before - the phone fails to recognize the "1" meaning a long distance number). I just faxed them asking them to call me.

I called my Dad, he is sending some money that should arrive later. With that on the way, I intend to reorder from Canada as soon as I can get ahold of them.

Unless I want to pay $300 for one month's worth of pills here in the U.S., it looks like I will have to wean off with the remaining pills I have (remember, I had hoarded a small number). It will mean that I'll be one messed up person for longer, but should help prevent some side-effects. I'll start tonight.

Now excuse me while I go cry.

Lost medication?, take 2

Let's see, I've already made three phone calls today. I called my doctor to see if I could maybe get samples. The receptionist said they didn't have any, they give them out to "patients who need them." Like I don't ?! She simply said they didn't have any and if I don't have the money to pay $300 for one month of pills from the U.S., then oh well, there was nothing she could do.

Then I called the USPS, who said they don't track Global Priority Mail and they can't help me. They suggested I wait 10 *business* days. (Mail doesn't move on weekends?) Customs said the same thing; they don't track packages and if it got delayed, they would have notified me right away. At least the man tried to be nice.

I'm currently waiting for Lupe (the health adviser here) to get back to her desk so I can ask about a new doctor. "I'm sorry; we can't help you," is not an acceptable answer to a patient in dire need who doesn't have $300 for US pills and another $200 for Canadian pill.

I was really hoping to get out of this financial hole with this paycheck. Looks like it won't happen. $500 out of it will leave precious little for little things like food and bills. (One bill just arrived today.)

Lost medication?

After all the problems mods here seem to have had, it seems to be my turn.

My medication appears to have been lost in the mail. I took a look at the tracking online tonight. The meds left Canada and entered the U.S., but when I go to the USPS site and enter the tracking number there, they have no record of it. The meds should have arrived no LATER than today or yesterday. If they are not at work tomorrow I will start making inquiries to the USPS, Canadameds, etc.

Besides not having another $200 to rebuy these, I DON'T have another month's worth of meds until the replacements can arrive. Quite simply, if the ones in the mail don't arrive soon, I don't have the time or money to wait for another shipment. I'll run out and go into withdrawal.

Which is why I'm here at past midnight posting an urgent prayer request.

Please pray; I'm worried.

Sniffle Sniffle, Sneeze Sneeze

I've reached the end of my rope today. My alergies were so bad that I had to take one pill towards the start of the service, and another at the break. The second one helped knock out most of the alergy symptoms, but also knocked me out; I was tired.

I can't do this anymore. I'm ready to take a daily medication if need be. The doctor gave me a prescription for Zyrtec; I think now I will fill it. Not sure if I will do it in Canada or at the local Walgreens, though.

Bleah. I need relief.

Today I also patched the puncture the cats put in my air mattress. I'm currently testing it to see if it still leaks. Dear God, please let this patch hold, and don't let these cats put any more holes in the mattress. :-p

Light and Power

This is America's 227th birthday. It is also the first July 4th in a long time that I got to see fireworks, and boy was it cool! I really hate having to work some holidays, and this is one. Too bad it falls on a Sunday next year. :( Maybe I can get the night off.

There were lots of red and blue fireworks, and some new cool stuff I hadn't seen before: fireworks in the shape of smiley faces, and two offset rings inside one another, like some nuclear thing, only with fewer rings.

The Grand Finale was the best I've ever seen. There were so many fireworks going off at one time, and low, that I began to wonder if the lauch site wasn't exploding! (c:

Thank You, God, for this country and the freedoms we have. Protect her through everything for the sake of Your remnant. There are still those of us who stand against the tide. Protect her for our sake, Father, and the sake of Your name.

Sometimes We Win One

This is old news, but worth recording. Saturday morning I woke up to read in the forums that Veronica has asked Christ into her life on Friday morning. Evidentally, the thing to push her over the edge was a talk she had with God Thursday night, and then the first post she read Friday morning (Brian writing to Clip) touched on that same subject.

I thanked God on my way home from work Sunday, thanking Him for what He's done so far, and praying for her growth in Him. I also thanked Him for all the work Socrates invested in her, answering her questions, and challenging her.

Despite all this, I knew she would come to Him, knew it was just a matter of time and that I just needed to wait on God. Some people you know don't stand a chance. ;) She's been hanging out at EW for a couple years now, and has consistently stayed with us, and drawn closer to God.

I think that's the key - does the person draw closer over time, or stay at the same distance, or worse, retreat further? It is those people who could go either way and you don't know. Right now Wolf is like that, and I see it in Chris, though she says she has crossed the line, and there's a good chance she really has.

Gay Pride Day, take 3

Final tally: one AC Transit bus, one BART train, three Muni busses, and three hours. It should take only one AC bus, one BART train, one Muni bus, and about an hour and a half.

Gay Pride Day, take 2

I just set a new record for the longest time ever getting to church - three hours even. I arrived just after church let out. To get there I took a 14 Mission south, a 47 Van Ness northwest, and finally a 38 Geary west. I got to the church at 1 p.m. No sign of Carol or Janice, so the morning was a complete and total loss. Next year, I will stay home. They win. No point in even trying. I have better things to do with my time than spend three hours getting to church.

I love this City so much and hate to see such pride in sin. It quite literally makes me sick. God is not here.

Or rather He is. In small enclaves there are groups of His people. Such a minority, so outnumbered. Lord, for the sake of Your remnant, have mercy. Kyrie eleison. Pray with me for my beloved City. Kyrie eleison.

Gay Pride Day

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." --Emo Phillips

This was one of those mornings.

So here I sit on a bus on Sunday morning in San Francisco, trying to get to church. The Gay Pride Day parade is preventing me. I left the house at 10 this morning. It is now past 11:30 and I am still downtown, crawling along on a 14 Mission bus that is stuck in traffic. The 38 Geary was nowhere to be found, even though I went to the Transbay Terminal. Market street is closed for several blocks, so Mission is getting all the traffic. In the last half hour we've gone 6 blocks. I think I will set a new record today for the amount of time and number of busses to get to this church.

I don't know when or if I will make it to City Church. Maybe in time for communion at the end of the service. Maybe not.

I told another lady on the bus, also trying to get to church, that I should have stayed in bed. She said that God honors our efforts. Somehow that made me feel better.

I will write more later and update.

Payday?

Yesterday was payday. All the money was literally gone before I got it, so I find myself once more with no money and two weeks until payday. :-p I am getting some medical reimburcement, which will go into checking to buy food, and Dad is sending me some money, but I had hoped to put it back into savings as I've taken so much money out recently.

Miscellaneous

Another church was doing a yard sale yesterday in the parking lot, so while Rocky was casting "demons" out of people I went out to look at the wares. I ended up buying a spaghetti strap shirt for sleeping, a blue denim hat, a lime green bath towel, and pink bunny ears. :-D I have no use for the bunny ears, but there was no way I was passing them up!

A bunch of us from the church sat in the foyer talking while Rocky did his thing, and some of us also went to the 7-11 for Slurpies. I had a blue one (of course!). It was a relaxing day, with perfect weather.

Conference is coming up in just 40 some-odd days and I still don't have my registration in. Perhaps when I get paid on Thursday. Also need to pay for my plane ticket.

A Holy Alphabet

A lthough things are not perfect
B ecause of trial or pain
C ontinue in thanksgiving
D o not begin to blame
E ven when the times are hard
F ierce winds are bound to blow
G od is forever able
H old on to what you know
I magine life without His love
J oy would cease to be
K eep thanking Him for all the things
L ove imparts to thee
M ove out of "Camp Complaining"
N o weapon that is known
O n earth can yield the power
P raise can do alone
Q uit looking at the future
R edeem the time at hand
S tart every day with worship
T o "thank" is a command
U ntil we see Him coming
V ictorious in the sky
W e'll run the race with gratitude
X alting God most high
Y es, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Z ion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!

--Author Unknown

The Rocky Path

I've had a night to think about yesterday, and I am deeply disturbed by it. To believe Rocky Peterson, one would have to believe that pretty much every person in the world, including just about every Christian, has several demons each.

Even more disturbing that pastor gave this guy the pulpit. What kind of church am I in anyway? I think I need to talk to Pastor Steve. It probably won't do any good, them being friends and all, but I think it needs to be said by somebody.

As Brian so aptly put it on EW: Look at the NT -- Paul doesn't waste time telling people to seek out the particular demon of hatred, adultery, oppression, whatever. These things are caused by the FLESH, not by demons. Sure, demons can TEMPT you toward them, but it's the flesh that holds you in 'em.

Weird Sabbath Service

I'm not even sure where to start, or how to keep this short.

We had a speaker at church yesterday, Rocky Peterson...he runs a Chistian camp/conference center in Southern California, and does deliverence, but not in the way we often think of it. There were a lot of red flags that went up (like the mention of Bob Larson), yet I can also see that he does some good, so I'm not prepared to condemn him.

He spoke at length, and then people could go aside privately and he would work on helping them to get rid of their demons. I can deal with the idea of Christians being oppressed by demons, and having the authority of Christ over them, but the whole idea of spirits of hate, adultery, anger, etc....that sent up more red flags. If it works, great, but spirits? - I have reservations.

I will say this. We occationally have this crazy guy, David, show up at the church from time to time. He knows he'll get a free meal out of it and that we won't totally shun him for his psychosis, so he drops by from time to time, but blessedly he hasn't for a while. I have trouble thinking it's coincidence that he just happens to show back up the same day this guest speaker comes. Rocky was going off to see if he could help him at all when Anita and I finally left.

At least Eric was at church, so we had some cool music for once. :-)

Unlucky 13

Went to the dr. yesterday to get a new prescription - I have gained 13 pds. since my last appointment 6 months ago! That's what...a pound every other week?!

ARGGHH!!!

What am I going to do? I'm over 200 pounds now. :...( I was always a very respectable 170-175...stayed there for many years...a tad overweight, but as long as I was stable, I decided that I'd like myself that way. And I did. I became comfortable with my body.

And then Zoloft came along and it was a miracle drug and lifted my depression....I felt normal again. But to gain...what...about 30 pounds, almost half of that in the last 6 months alone? That is depressing.

I also have to see a podiatrist...the dr. said it is an infection under the nail..she said it's so misformed it may just have to be removed. Will make an appointment with that dr. tomorrow (he's already gone today). I want to be able to wear sandels again! It doesn't hurt...it just looks real bad. I'm not afraid to have the nail removed. It sounds like a fairly simple procedure.

Also gave me some samples of Zyrtec for alergies, and a 'script to fill if it works for me. She tried to give me Alegra, but I said I'd tried some a co-worker gave me and it did nothing. It might as well have been a sugar pill. I only get alergies occationally, so I don't want to have to take something daily. I've been using OTC stuff, but one time it took three pills to knock out my alergies, and in the process it knocked out me. As in...asleep at work.

Got my Zoloft 'script into Canada today, so 3-4 weeks before my pills arrive. She had no samples to give me, so I'll just keep taking 100mg in the meantime to stretch out what I have. Life sucked on 75. It's amazing what that extra 25 does for my outlook. So perhaps in a month I can go back to the 150 I'm supposed to take.

Hammer and Nails

Where the hall and my room meet, the carpet does not meet. For ages now Xena has been digging under the carpet edges to get the padding out from underneath. It's nothing but a game to her, something fun to do. But this is destructive and could result in my losing my security deposit. So for a while I've been thinking of nailing the rug down to keep her from doing that. I decided to do so this afternoon and pulled out my hammer and nails. In the midst of the project (I don't even remember where), the power went out. All of it. All over the house.

I let Lou know, and he called PG&E, who came right out. He found a lot of bad fuses, but finally found one good one, and added one of his own from his truck. As he stuck the second one in, something evidentally sparked. He told Lou that he would have to call an electrician, and that most likely two wires were crossed.

I told Lou what I'd been doing when the power went out, and he came up with his toolbox and pulled out the nails on one side. He found that at least one had gone directly through a line or cord of some sort, and that that had caused the short. Once the nails were removed and the breaker turned back on, everything was fine. [insert embarrased icon here]

Friday the 13th

Today is Friday the 13th! :-D

Well, I'll was able to get ahpold of the receptionist at the doctor yesterday, and she said they can see me on Tuesday at 2:15. Jon said that's cool as long as we're back by 3:30. It'll be tight, but we can do it. I already feel better being on 100mg rather than 75. That extra 25 makes a big difference. But then, halving my medication suddenly probably would be rough on my body, especially on the days I only got 50mg - 1/3 of my normal dose.

Our staff dinner was at El Torito last night. Since it happened during my shift, Michael Wood filled in for me and I got paid to go to dinner. (c: I stuffed myself with Mexican food - I wasn't even hungry when I got home from work last night. I took some as a doggie bag and that will be dinner tonight.

More on Meds, take 2

I called the doctor yesterday as she is finally back from vacation. I talked/argued with the receptionist. She totally did not have a bead on my situation. She finally said she'd have the doctor call me back. I'm still waiting for the call. Guess I will have to call again.

I sat down and counted out my pills last night. If I take what I'm supposed to (150mg a day), I have about 40 days' worth. If I take 100mg a day, I have about 70 days worth. (This includes the pills I've hoarded over time. What I have left from my prescription is quite a bit less.) So I guess I'll take 100mg a day and hope that I have enough. Perhaps I'll feel more stable than I have on 75mg. The last few days have been hell. Last night I took 100mg and got a good night's sleep and I actually feel somewhat human today.

Tomorrow is a staff dinner at work. Since it occurs durung my shift, I get to go AND get paid for it! :) I'm not complaining. Michael Wood will fill in for me. Of course, I do have to start my shift and come back after the dinner to finish it.

More on Meds

I'm running low on medication. I last time I saw the doctor was in January, and she gave me a prescription for six months worth of meds. The problem is that my next appointment wasn't scheduled for seven months. So, I'm running low now, and had to cut way back if I want to have any hope of making it until I can get more. Right now I'm taking about half what I should. Instead of 150mg a day, I'm taking 100mg one day, 50 the next, 100 the next, and so on.

Tony was late to work last night. He overslept and showed up about 15 minutes late. I would have appreciated a call. I can miss the 11 p.m. bus, but if I miss the 11:30 p.m. bus, I miss the last bus home. In which case I take 40 bus and walk a mile over the hill in the middle of the night in a dangerous city. :-p I was so tired it was hard to focus in prayer. I took a couple sleeping pills to help me sleep deeper and now I'm zonked this morning. Gack. I had been up since 7 a.m. because I went to church yesterday morning - not a good day for Tony to be late.

At least church was good. Good music, reminding me of all God has brought me through and how far I've come, and a good sermon based on John 20. I took so many notes I filled every line on both sides of a sheet in my Steno book. Yea God!

It was also funny that the pastor made a point of mentioning that he had three points (the traditional 3-point sermon), and during his sermon, my pastor had also made a point to mention his three points. There were actually six, he said, but that was too many, so he broke it down into three groups of two, which it did neatly. I had never noticed there were six points and could be grouped into pairs. Amazing the little nuances I keep discovering in the Bible.

Taize

Laudate Dominum, laudate Dominum, omnes gentes, alleluia. So goes one taize chant in what I assume is Latin. It means, "Praise our God, all you peoples, alleluia." Paul took me to taize tonight in Burlingame at the Mercy Center, which is a combination retreat center and convent. It was cool, though I could have been in a more prayerful attitude. Where I am spiritually determines what kind of experience I have.

I haven't been in ages. I think it's been over a year. Hard to believe that it was seven years ago last month that I went for the first time. God has done so much in my life in the last seven years. Now I pray he will also work in power in the lives of Veronica, Wolf, Chris, and MCC.

Some Assembly Required

I bought a new pedestal fan on Tuesday and put it together that night. So much assembly to do! Knowing what I know now I probably could have fixed the old one. I had no idea it could be put together by hand. So now I have two pedestal fans - one new and one used and somewhat dilapidated.

Web page updates

I did some updates on Xena's pages today. Three new pictures at the bottom of this page of Xena playing with a new toy.

Two new pics of Abby playing with a stuffed bear at the bottom of this page.

Two new pics of them together at the bottom of this page.

And what is up with AC Transit? Why are they buying all these cool new busses when the deficit is so serious they have to raises prices yet again? Hmmm? Or is this just a way to finance all the new busses? And how come Muni still costs the same as it did when I was in high school?

The last two nights I haven't been able to buy groceries because lots of people are now shopping at 11:30 at night. Sunday night they actually had two lines open. And both days there was some idiot trying up the line, copping an attitude, and just generally making things go very slow. I have a bus to catch, and there's only 15 minutes between my first bus and my transfer to get home. I can shop in 5 minutes flat, but I don't have 10 minutes to wait in the line, plus time to walk to and from the stop. It's a hlaf hour until the next bus comes along if I miss one. I guess I'll just keep trying until the idiots decide to stay home for the night.

New week and new month

Well, here we are at the beginning of a new week (and a new month!). I'm pretty battered from all the recent scuffles, but perhaps things will calm down a bit now so I can concentrate on recovering.

The only news is that MCC is reading this blog because she commented on it in a PM to me, saying that she still is and always has been a mod at Dave's forum. *shrug* After this weekend, I don't even care anymore. I have more important things to do than worry about the latest juicy gossip. I also haven't seen Ana around lately. Don't know what's up with that.

Oscar (our piano player) is gone right now, and will be for something like four weeks. Since Eric (our former guitar player) is working Sabbaths, we had to sing a capella this week. Anita (my ride each week) is supposed to play next week. Some of the older kids were laughing at us singing without accompanyment. And I didn't even know the songs. Pastor picked songs he was familiar with - Bill and Gloria Gaither, but I wasn't. So I struggled to read the music.

Apology, take 2

There were no responses to my apology all day yesterday, though it had been viewed many times. Perhaps no one will respond. At least I have done what I need to do. Though I do still feel I owe K an apology.

My contact over on D's board told me that MCC is no longer a mod there. I checked and sure thing... Don't know why or what that means. I think a lot of communication goes on in other ways. Interestingly enough, after MCC had me blocked on AIM the last few days, she reappeared today. I didn't message her, and she didn't message me.

Apology

Well, I apologized to A yesterday. She'll probably either ignore me or say something semi-conciliatory. At least I've done what God told me to do, and while the chance of furfilling His purpose for me remains, I must follow.

Also found out yesterday that bus fares will be raised. The BART Plus pass, the way I get to work, will definitely be taken away. As will the 31-day pass, to be replaced by a 15-day pass that costs more. A quick crunch of the numbers shows that this will probably cost me around $35 more per month than I currently pay, and I already pay $56! How am I supposed to afford that?! :( Also, the 58 line that I take every day will be discontinued and replaced by the 61, which will only run out to the airport every 30 minutes, even during peak times. These are just the changes that effect me. The actual reach of these changes is far more. It will all go into effect in December. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from AC Transit. :-p

A Very Bad Day

Well, Tuesday was A Very Bad Day. Not only was I catching it from both sides - both enemy fire and friendly fire - but everything went wrong. First, I didn't have time for coffee. Then I left my bus ticket in another pair of pants and had to go back for it after I was already at the bus stop. But it didn't matter because the bus had broken down and the next one did show up. However, due to this, I was late to my appointment. Just as I was getting to work, I stepped in some gum on the street, and stopped in a driveway to scrape it off, a driveway that a car soon wanted in so I had to move to continue the process.

AND it was incredibly hot, and the heat just made everything more miserable.

I know I have to apologize to Ana. I don't want to, but God says I have to, so I will. I didn't do it today because I needed time to think and pray and not just rush into an answer. I know I'm screwed up, so already asked God if I can start over. I took a trust He gave me and used and abused it. It was a gift, and I used it wrong. God, can we please start over? :(...

The Measure of A (Wo)Man

Can't stay on long. It's 12:30 a.m. and I still need to have dinner and get to bed.

K took my suggestions about requirements for mods in the future and how we shouldn't use new believers in that role. Still she says Missy and MCC had come to her asking to do something, so we will need to find some role for them.

MCC took her name off all the folders and asked K if she should still be a mod and that K could take away her mods if she felt it was the right thing to do. K did, so now MCC is no longer a mod. If she can pull herself together, and get her life sorted out, then we will welcome her back. I wish Rose could mod again. It was very good to have a very levelheaded practicing Pagan on staff.

The Hands of the Potter

I saw the second movie on video last night. This one made me less uncomfortable and had more fantastic things than the first one. How can anyone say this is Witchcraft?

It was also quite scary (do little children freak out?) and a nail-biter. As with the first movie, someone who you trust turns out to be thoroughly evil. Can't wait for the third installment, though I don't know how "dark" I can handle before I balk. I like entertainment, not being scared.

I liked it better than the first one. To bring more continuity from film to film (and book to book), perhaps Rowling should have spent more time developing Jenny Weasley's character in the first book, since she plays a much bigger role in the second one. Also, introduce "Moaning Myrtle" in the first book. It would make her inclusion as a major character in the second book a bit more personal.

The filming was great. Awesome special effects. I especially loved it when the Chamber of Secrets opened. That was such an awesome scene.

Two more for the bathroom...

Two women have moved into the middle and back rooms this week. I'm terrible with names, but there's now three of us sharing the bathroom up here. :-p Not too happy about that, but oh well. I really need to get my own place, just me and my cats.

The Betta Version

Yesterday I bought a Betta fish at a pet store. I thought it might entertain the babies. That it's done. It's a beautiful purple male Betta that I've decided to name Frodo. The little aquarium it came in has a lid with vents, and looked sturdy enough that it might not tip over.

But I was wrong about the tipping over. Last night I placed it on the windowsill by my bed, and Xena manged to tip it over, spilling about half the water all over my bed. It was only 6 a.m., so I placed the fish in the bathroom, wrapped myself in my comforter, and went back to sleep.

Bay To Breakers, take 3

And here's the
pictures of the race, all ready to view. I threw this together fast. I may make minor changes.

Bay To Breakers, take 2

Well, I completed the course in about 1:54 yesterday. Official time (because it takes time to get across the start line) was 1:58. The extra weight I have, and the desire to take pictures to post here, slowed me down. I didn't push myself very hard, and just run-walked most of the course.

I'm very sore. I'll feel better tomorrow. I slept about 14 hours last night, getting lots of sleep to recover.

Bay To Breakers

Ever since I first saw the race on TV the year Mom and I moved to California, I wanted to run in it. Once again, for about the 10th time, I am. My shoulders are tight - that will significantly slow me down. :( Time to see the chiropractor again. I'll tell about the race here later. Currently, it's only 5:30 a.m. and I'm just getting ready for it (8 a.m. start in downtown San Francisco). The race/fun run/walk goes from the downtown (near the bay) out to the Great Highway (near where the ocean waves break). It's 12k - 7.49 miles.

Wish me luck everyone!

Salt and Pepper and Weirdos

This has happened twice in the last two days now, and I've decided I mustorder some pepper spray.

Wednesday night I was waiting for my bus at the Eastmont Transit Center. It's well lit, near a police station, there's always people around - it should be a safe place, even at 11:30 at night.

Well, some psychotic black guy came up to me, saying something about "white women," and lightly bapped me on the head with his fist. He talked the whole time, so I couldn't say anything if I wanted. He departed daring me to call the cops. I just sat there - he was clearly delusional and in need to psychiatric help.

He came back several minutes later, and this time I was ready. I pulled out the latest Left Behind book, Armageddon - the only book I had that was hardcover - and when he came up to me, I threatened him with the book. He threatened to beat me up if I hit him, but he backed off and walked away so that wasn't necessary.

I ordered the pepper spray online the following day (Thursday).

When I got to the transit center Thursday night, I was approached by a Puerto Rican guy (he told me he was) who was clearly quite drunk. He kept saying what sounded like "salam," and at first I thought it might be a Muslim greeting, so I told him I wasn't Muslim. I still have no idea what he meant, but as time went on it was clear that it wasn't Arabic and he wasn't Muslim.

It will be nice to get some pepper spray to protect me from these weirdos.

Pagan Acquaintances

If this happens one more time I swear I will go crazy. Although I do believe that yesterday's incident will be the last.

Yes, I ran into yet ANOTHER old Pagan acquaintance. The Bay Area must be smaller than it seems. I forget the lady's name now. I ran into her on the Muni bus in SF. I know her from the days I was involved with CUUPs at the UU church. Back then we called our group P.I.G. - the Pagan Interest Group. Today, however, she told me that some people had protested the use of a pig as a symbol. Honestly, it never bothered me. I thought it was cute. We had a little sign outside the room we met it with a little pink pig on it. She said they are now called the Pagan Interest Circle.

I gave her my business card, and since she was staring at my shirt (why do I always run into these people when wearing my D t-shirt?), I scribbled the Web addy for the main site on the back. She invited me to a ritual next Saturday, but could tell from the way I smiled and the business card that I wasn't interested. I thanked her for asking anyway.

Depending on how you look at it, this is the third or fourth incident since just before Easter:

Dale at the Episcopal church
Lezlie on e-mail
Artemesia on the AC Transit bus
the UU lady on the Muni bus

God's Gifts

Spiritual gifts test: http://www.elmertowns.com/spiritual_gifts_test/

Your Spiritual Gifts

Gift Measure of Spiritual Gift Score

prophet
79
helper
75
exhorter
68
giver
66
mercy shower
50
administrator
50
teacher
43
shepherd
35
evangelist
26

Your highest gift
PROPHET: That special ability to see the influence of evil as did the Old Testament prophets and warn God¹s people of its damage. The prophet has a deep passion to defend God¹s reputation, stand for issues. She uses negative motivation, i.e., "thus saith the Lord ..." (I Cor. 12:10,28; Eph. 4:11-15; Rom. 12:6).

Re-birth-day

From an e-mail to a friend:

Hi Charles,

Just wanted to be able to share with you that today is my seventh [spiritual] birthday! :) Can you believe it? It doesn't seem like seven years since that Friday night on the phone with you.

For some reason, seven years seems like more of a milestone than five. I don't know, Charles - words are so inadaquate to try to recapture that day. I only know that everything changed for me that night.

I guess I don't have words. Just thank you for your sacrifices for me, and celebrate this day with me. :)

More on INDirectTV, take 3

Well, no sooner do I post that than Lou pounces on me about the remainder of the rent, which I do owe, and would have been happy to write him a check right then and there. But no. He needs cash because checks take time to clear. He wants to take me to the bank tomorrow to withdraw the money. I didn't try to explain the Sabbath concept and how I don't like to handle money and so forth because I know he wouldn't understand. He doesn't have the Holy Spirit and, like most intellectuals, thinks he knows more about the Bible and Jesus than any conservative. No, he wouldn't understand and would probably blame me for not getting him the cash earlier. Lord, forgive me for having to handle money tomorrow. Please get me OUT of this situation and into a better one, a studio apartment, a nice one that I like and will accept my cats, and where the owner will accept a CHECK each month.

And oh yeah, if I pay by check, he wants the money on the 15th from now on, so that it can clear by the 20th so he can pay all his back bills. L-O-S-E-R! [screams and runs away]

More on INDirectTV

Well, the fix-it guy showed up and found the cause - the cable had been unscrewed and disconnected. He told me confidentially that it was deliberate. Lou's cable was loose. Lou called them about charging me for it and they said no charge, I was still under warrentee. (Finally, the guy does something useful!) The tech said whoever had installed it had done a lousy job and it needs a lot more work. Anyway, that's the quicky update.

More on INDirectTV

X-Satellite got back to me yesterday and told me I was not under warentee anymore. (Dish warentees only last a month.) The DirectTV technician was supposed to be here between 8 a.m. and 12 p.m. At about 10:30 he called to say he was going to be late. He'd be here around 1 p.m. Ok, cool. I can deal with that. At about 12:30, I got a call from a woman at DirectTV saying that now the tech would be here at 3! I complained, as I have better things to do than sit around all day waiting for a tech to show up when he feels like it. I told her to have the tech come by at 4 so I can run some errands and make it back. So now I have to jam out of here. :-p

Yet another reason NOT to get DirectTV. If I could do it over, I'd go with Dish Network or regular cable. Please, take this seriously, do NOT NOT NOT get DirectTV!

Heaven and Hell

***For anyone who cares, a silly little online test:***

Your fate has been decided....
You are one of the lucky ones! Because of your virtue and beliefs, you have escaped eternal punishment. You are sent to Purgatory!


Purgatory
------------------------------------------------------------------
You have escaped damnation and made it to Purgatory, a place where the dew of repentance washes off the stain of sin and girds the spirit with humility. Through contrition, confession, and satisfaction by works of righteousness, you must make your way up the mountain. As the sins are cleansed from your soul, you will be illuminated by the Sun of Divine Grace, and you will join other souls, smiling and happy, upon the summit of this mountain. Before long you will know the joys of Paradise as you ascend to the ethereal realm of Heaven.

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

INDirectTV

I can now see it was a big mistake to ever get "Direct TV." It's turned into a nightmare of INDirectTV. As I watched TV this morning, my signal just cut out all of a sudden, and they can't get anyone out to even LOOK at it until Friday. I've only had the system about two months. I am so NOT impressed by this. I tried to call X-Satellite to see if I was still under warrentee, but they don't answer their phone, and goodness only knows when they might deign to return my phone call.

I try to take a couple vacation days to relax and see my favorite shows and I can't even do that. I'm stuck on my stupid computer because there isn't anything else to do! Grrrr..... I should have just gotten basic cable. I can't deal with all this without even having had my coffee.

Let this be a lesson to anyone who is thinking of getting "DirectTV" - DON'T!

Which Witch is Which?

Well, I finally saw the first Harry Potter movie. I liked it. It was a little hard because of my past - the mere mention of magic and witches and wizards can be hard to listen to - but overall it was a good movie, and the magic in it was all Hollywood; there was no magic that is the real magick real Witches practice.

I fail to see how it's so different than Lord of the Rings with its magic and wizardry. I don't see the horror in it that some people see. And it does teach children good life lessons - friendship, courage, and sacrifice. After seeing the movie today, I stand by my original assessment now posted among Kathi's articles. It hooked me. I'll have to see the next movie now, since the story does continue. Still can't read the books, though. Doubt I ever will.

How Do You Spell L-O-S-E-R?

We had another blowup tonight, so it looks like after Sabbath I'll have to call Direct TV and find out what the penalty is for moving before 6 months is up. It's also quite clear that I'll have to move, sooner than later.

His newest way of dealing with me is by using thinly veiled insults and making up new rules. The newest rule is "I don't allow candles in the house." Seeing as how he's been fine with me burning candles before as long as they were away from the window, the only motive I can think of for this new rule is anger.

No wonder he has a hard time keeping tenants. He constantly pulls stuff like this. I'm not the first, and I won't be the last. He's a master at guilt-tripping, or at least trying to by deflecting responsibility off of himself and onto the other person. I've had enough psychology to see through his attempts. It must be an awful way to live, not being able to take responsibility for yourself.

More Rants

The owner here is having money troubles yet again, and was putting the squeeze on me to get the rent money early. He now needs to be paid the 29th of every month, not the 1st. My next paycheck isn't until May 1, and I was planning to pay then. Once again, he tried to pin the blame on me, as if I'm the reason the bank wants to forclose the house. He stops short of actually blaming me for that, but that's the tone of voice. I'm sorry, but I ain't going for it. It's not my fault that you can't get your act together. Period.

He said he would take partial rent of $400, and asked if we had to go into the City to get money from my savings. Sorry, but I'm so wiped out right now that I'd have to use most of what little is left to pay the rent, and I ain't doing that. Additionally, I don't enjoy being guilt tripped and told to pay up now, especially when I haven't even had my coffee.

So there I was, sitting on my bed, trying to catch up on my checkbook (which was a couple weeks behind) without my coffee. I paid him $396, taking off $4 for the extra receiver TV charge his receiver incurs. Yes, that's right, he gets Direct TV for only $4 a month. Thankfully he was in the shower when I went downstairs and so I just left the check on the table.

So then he says he doesn't want the check because it takes 5 days to clear. So off we went to my bank to cash the check and give him the cash. (See the cash.) I made sure to ask for a receipt from him. His intention may not be to screw me over, but it may happen anyway and I want to be prepared - just in case.

Can we say L-O-S-E-R boys and girls?

Eden, the girl in the back room up here on the second floor has evidentally moved out. I don't know why, but the when appears to be sometime earlier this week. So I'm the only tenent right now. That does not bode well.

The Cross of Life

Easter got me to thinking about the cross and how it's a symbol of death, yet many Christians (including me) wear it around our necks as a decoration. One of the Easter songs we sang called the cross, "the cross of life." And you know what? It's true. It was a symbol of death, but has been transformed into a symbol of life. On the cross our sins were paid for. That Friday afternoon, 2,000 years ago on that cross, I was forgiven. Truly it is a symbol of life.

Missing Missy

I couldn't help thinking this past Easter Sunday about Missy and how she should have been baptised. But instead she forsook God for her boyfriend and is now firmly agnostic. Satan has made good and sure that she is surrounded online by atheists, as well as her atheist boyfriend in real life.

She does not come to EW anymore because after her "anti-conversion" we took away her mod status as well as her access to the Ex-Witches Only folder. This should be a lesson to us to not give new believers too much responsibility too soon. Too often it only ends in disaster and hurt feelings. It saddens me. If she hadn't left RCIA classes (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults), she would have been baptised this past Easter. :-(

I am reminded of Jesus' parable of the soils. The seed that fell on the second type of soil sprang up quickly, but just as quickly withered when the sun grew hot, because its roots did not go deep.

Dear Lord, help us all to go deep into You, that we may withstand the hot sun. Thank You for saving us.

Cold and Lonely

It was sooooo cold coming home from work Monday night. My EW sweatshirt did little to stop the cold. The light, slow, steady rain didn't make it warmer so I spent all my time waiting for the bus trying to keep warm and not get too wet.

Thinking back on all the prayer request on the board recently, and all the troubles everybody there has realy make sme wonder about the Resurrection. Nights like tonight I feel like God abandoned us after the Resurrection. Where is God? Where are the miracles? Why do the believers - His very children - suffer so much?

At least I caught up on sleep, sleeping until almost 1 p.m. Monday afternoon after going to bed about 2:30 a.m. that morning. That helps me feel better.

The Son Also Rises

Since I haven't gotten to an entry in the last week, I decided a short entry today would be better than nothing. Pardon any mispellings. I don't have the energy to edit tonight. So...here goes.

Christ is risen! He is risen indeed! Alleluia!

This weekend provided plenty of opportunities for reflection on the meaning of Easter. I figure that over three days (Friday-Sunday) I spent about 8 hours in church services (!). Good Friday was 3 hours (12-3 pm), then my regular church Saturday morning, then Easter Vigil Saturday night and Easter Sunday morning services. It leaves one tired but happy. :-)

One thing I realized yet again on Friday was that when my sins were placed on Jesus on the cross, all of my sins were - which means that God looked at Jesus and saw Him practicing Witchcraft and Him worshipping other gods. That blows my mind! And that Jesus would do that willingly for me. Our sin was great, so His suffering for us was great.

Thank You Jesus for Your great sacrifice for us. We put You on the cross, yet You went willingly because You loved us when we still hated You. Thank You God, for Easter. Thank You for Your Son's death, and His triumpth over death. Truly we can now live and die in hope. Amen.

Pagan Acquaintances

For some reason, I've recently been running into old Pagan acquaintances that I haven't seen since I left the community 7 years ago. (I turn 7 next month.)

This time it was Artemesia, a chick who's name I liked so much I named one of my rats after her. :) I got on the bus Friday afternoon to go to the BART station because I was going to little Christian music concert. I saw Artemesia and we just stared at each other because we recognized each other and were trying hard to remember how. It was only when I asked her name and she told me that I remembered.

She probably didn't think to well of my ExWitch t-shirt I was wearing at the time. Because I didn't have an EW business card to give her I gave her the cards from my church and scribbled the EW URL on the back.

We didn't have much time to talk, but I did tell her I was Christian, and she asked about my headcovering. We both got off at the BART station (she was headed to Berkeley to hear a Buddhist speak), and as we crossed the street (I nearly got hit by a car that was backing up - I would have been hit had Artemesia not yelled out for the driver to STOP), she told me that Wicca wasn't for everyone. I didn't say anything but I admit it upset me. It has nothing to do with it not being for me. It has to do with finding something better meant for everyone.

I feel like everything is coming full circle in a sense. Not in the sense of me going back - not at all - but more in the sense of closure. After 7 years I can run into these people and be comfy where I am and strong in my faith. Hard to put into words. I just don't think it's coincidence. :-p

I'm coloring my hair right now, waiting for the color to develop. Red doesn't stay worth squat, but oh well. I managed to make a nice mess on the bathroom rug/floor, and turn my forearms spotchy red. We'll see how the color "takes" and how bad it stains the bathtub. I'm managed to pretty well stain one of my blue towels. *sigh* Coloring hair shouldn't have to be so messy.

Tomorrow (well, technically, later today) I'm going to see Jesse Manibusan in concert. The last time I saw him was 7 years ago. That night I experienced God as love and it got me searching for Him. It will be so cool to hear Jesse again.

Having My Eyes Opened, take 2

I think what saddens me the most is the e-mail Herb sent to me and a couple other people, distancing himself from me. It's as if he's afraid of loosing these people as friends if he so much as says I have a right to my opinion. No, he was firmly on their side. I am deeply saddened by this. I've known him and Ren for around 10 years. I really thought we were closer than that. Only Bragi dared to stand up for me and say I had a right to my opinion.

On the way home I couldn't help but pray that God will help me to forgive everyone. I'm very angry over the whole episode and it can be hard to forgive, especially when the other party will admit no wrongdoing and feel completely justified in name-calling and other things. Lord, help me to forgive. Help me to let go of my anger. Let me see these people through Your eyes and love them as You love them. Amen.

Having My Eyes Opened

Well, I sent the little piece on war and celebrities to Herb and hit "Reply All" to give people a different opinion. I've been on his mailing list for months and I didn't mind the e-mails until all the e-mails became anti-war. To say the least, my opinion was not appriciated. In fact, one woman (she certainly was no lady), Ms. Sheffield, actually stated that she wasn't interested in my opinion. This is liberal-speak for "I don't want to hear any opinion that disagrees with mine and therefore refuse to discuss it with you." She also called my viewpoint "moronic" and employed other adult ways of handling disagreements. I truly feel sorry for people like her. Like a child, they stick their fingers in their ears and say, "Lalala, I can't hear you." (Which is how it ended when she said she would delete any further e-mail. At least I got the last word, even if she refused to read it, lol.)

But this was a good experience. Why? Because it showed me who these "anti-war" people really are. They don't even want to consider that there might be good reasons for the war. So instead, they call names and do everything else to end rational debate so they don't have to hear those reasons and can pretend they don't exist.

This has really opened my eyes because it wasn't just her. She was simply the most abusive one who had the guts to e-mail me. From what she said, there's an AMEN chorus to her point of view going on behind my back. As I said, they are afraid of any other POV and must protect themselves from it. The most common way is to use ad hominum attacks and refuse to reply to your opponant's arguments. They truly do not see this as sticking their heads in the sand. They don't think of themselves as being afraid of debate. No, they are the righteously angry protecters of America and freedom of speech - provided you don't say anything that disagrees with them.

Water, take 3

Now that I've had some time to process this, I realized I typed a bit too hastily in my rush to leave for work. I need to clarify what I wrote earlier today. The EBMUD guy actually dropped by our house looking for payment. This is for the December bill, mind you. I explained the owner was gone (Eden was also gone, probably at work). So he said he was turning off the water, and gave me the notice of doing so. I placed the notice on the kitchen table, along with my rent check, since April rent is coming due soon.

What I'm most mad about is a couple weeks ago Lou asked me for $250. In exchange, I'd be given 45 days to move out when I leave, instead of 30. He said he needed to pay the water bill or they would turn the water off. Well Lou, what did you do with that check, eh?

Ah well, I swore my next move would be to my own place. I'm tired of the roommate treadmill.

For now, I need to snag the two bottles of water in the kitchen before Lou remembers where they are. They were mine, and I'm going to take them back now. I can brush my teeth at work. Don't know what I'll do Friday, but Saturday I can brush them at church. Laundry I'll do at the laundromat again. If worse comes to worse, I can probably wash my hair in a sink here at work. Don't yet know what do to about the shower situation.

Ah well, another adventure on the path of life. LOL. I wonder if I'm doing something right and getting certain, er....things...pissed off at me. (c:

Meanwhile, Back At the Ranch... (Water, take 2)

...I finally get ahold of Lou, who tells me the water is back on. He then procedes to blame everything on me. "You should have called me on your cell phone;" "I didn't deposit the check you gave me two weeks ago because I've been busy" (for two WEEKS you couldn't make a trip to the bank? yeah right!). This guy is a master at blaming others for his problems. From listening to Lou today you'd think it was all my fault! Luckily, I don't fall for that, or play that blame game. Go make someone ELSE feel guilty, sweety, because it don't play with me.

I've decided it must officially be "beat up on Victoria week." First I get the angry idiot gung ho for the war on Darce's board on Delphi, then I get blasted by a guy on EW who's against the war. (Hey, our first troll. We hit a milestone today!) Then the bus home last night breaks down at the BART station, causing me to miss my connection. I got home about 12:30 a.m. instead of the usual midnight. Then the water problem today, then Lou trying to blame ME for it. (Sheesh!)

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. :-p

They Turned Off Our Water!

I'm in shock. EBMUD came out today and turned off our water for non-payment! How do I get into situations like this? I'm just a subletter here; how come this idiot of an owner can't make the water payments? Where's the money? I'm upset about this, and both he and his dog are gone (probably at the dog park) so there is no water and no answers. Grrr... Some people's children! How are we supposed to live without water, and for how long?!?

My first thought was the cats, so I filled their water bowl. Then I used the toilet one last time. I'll take my toothbrush to work with me.

This totally sucks.

Living Beyond My Means

Victoria is living beyond her means. I've really screwed things up.

I found not one, not two, not three, but FIVE letters from my bank in my mailbox today. All were overdraft charges, two had two charges each. That's what...? About SEVEN charges? At $21 apiece. That's $148!

I called my bank and found I didn't even have enough to pay the rent. Ok, I thought. I'll just transfer some money from savings and deposit my state and federal refund checks - $530 all told. Surely that will get me through the next two weeks and pay my rent.

WRONG. After paying a couple of bills, entering everything in my checkbook and running the numbers, I STILL don't have the rent money, much less food and everything else. Looks like I'll be making another trip into the City to transfer more money just so I can get by this month. :(

Rumors of War

I still feel strange about this war - not gung ho for or against. *shrug* And I have one person ranting on IM to me about how Bush has committed war crimes, and another talking to me about Makani and her private forum and how she isn't at all like Obsidian and Otep. I'm getting it from both sides I guess.

The news is saying that Hussein was the target of this early beginning to the war. Personally, I doubt we'll get him. I think, like Osama bin Laden, he'll escape. Let's all pray for a quick end to the war and for protection of coalition troops.

No changes really on my Web sites except that I changed all main pages on all my sites so that the text scrolls over the background. I think it looks real nice. I also put some new pix up on Xena's site. Here Abby plays with a stuffed mouse that I put fresh catnip leaves inside. And, old pictures from before my move, Xena and Abby getting friendly with each other. (The top picture was taken earlier. Scroll down to the bottom three pics.)

Running Into My Past

Occationally, mostly during the Easter season, I like to visit an Episcopal church near where I live. The past year or so when I've dropped by, a lady I remember from the Pagan community has been there. We've never really talked. Well, today we finally were able to chat for a few minutes, and I have to say, I feel conflicted after our talk, not sure whether to celebrate or weep in sadness.

Her name is Dale, and she comes with her husband Brian. She was dating another man the last time we chatted, about 7 years ago, or more. She said they have been coming to the church for about a year. I asked if she was Christian or Christo-Pagan or what. She said she was Christo-Pagan. Mostly Christian, but with some Pagan parts still there. She said God has many faces.

And therein lies my conflict. Here's a woman, attending a church every week with an evangelical litergy, but a liberal priest and congregation. She believes in women pastors and other things that the Episcopal church now teaches. Additionally, she claims to still have some Pagan beliefs, though I didn't have a chance to ask for clarification. Perhaps another time.

I asked her why she was coming to church (i.e. why is she not practicing Paganism anymore), and she said that Paganism was lacking in redemption and forgiveness (I think she actually used those exact two words!). I thought that was very insightful. Paganism denies many things even are sins, and those things that are wrong - well, there's karma, but no forgiveness. Forgiveness must be an attractive option to anyone who knows how bad they've messed up. I am humbled when I consider the depth of my sin, and therefore, the depth of Jesus' forgiveness.

I left church today feeling stronger than ever how important it is to reach out to Witches and other Pagans and bring them into a relationship with Christ.

Thinking about the Saints

A friend gave me a link to a Web page about St. Teresa. It includes a little gem about my favorite quote from her, one I've used often when feeling down: "Lord, if this is how you treat Your friends, no wonder You have so few."

Here's the relevant paragraph:

Sometimes, however, she couldn't avoid complaining to her closest Friend about the hostility and gossip that surrounded her. When Jesus told her, "Teresa, that's how I treat my friends" Teresa responded, "No wonder you have so few friends." But since Christ has so few friends, she felt they should be good ones. And that's why she decided to reform her Carmelite order.

I also managed to find a St. Victoria on the site! :) Too bad I was named after the former Queen of England and not the saint.

Web page updates

I updated Xena's page with some pics of her and Abby. The pics are old - from the end of February before my move - but I finally got them uploaded tonight.

Yesterday I updated most of my Web sites so that the text now scrolls independently of the background. I hope you enjoy the new look. My personal site and my Sabbath pages are not yet done.

A Very Bad Day

Today is A Very Bad Day. Too much to do and too little time.

* Return toaster oven to Sears.
* Pick up tape from Christian bookstore and look for book on how the New Testament books were chosen for inclusion in the Bible.
* Copy church bulletins. Run out of money after hitting "20" copies twice instead of once.
* Stop at old residence and leave note for neighbors asking them to call if they find Abby cat, who disappeared last night from the new residence.
* Arrive at work 20 minutes late and scarf down first meal of the day while getting constant IM intrusions.
* Try to write and code my blog while getting constant IMs.

In short, I'm currently a short-tempered b*tch. Days like today I wish I could stay in bed all day with the covers pulled over my head. I hate and resent the world and want to hide from it.

Welcome to Victoria's Blog

This is my first attempt at a blog, so bear with me.

I probably won't be updating it all that often. Real life and other
online responsibilities call. As it is, this entry won't be posted for a few
days as starting a site and uploading leaves one seeing errors galore and
I simply don't have the time today to work out the kinks.

Purpose of This Blog

Basically, I'm going to use this as a Blog to keep anyone who cares abreast on major changes on all my Web sites. I have several, and many are not linked together. For example, my personal site is not linked to any Sabbath sites, in an effort to keep it nondenominational.

Here's a list of all my sites. All links will open a new browser
window.

As For Me and My House..., My Personal Site

Victoria's Sabbath Pages, Common Objections To the Sabbath and My Answers

Sabbath Keepers' Meeting House, my Delphi forum

Bay Area Seventh Day Baptist Church, My Church's Web Site

Xena's Web Site, My Cat's Site

All these sites to run and now I'm starting a blog?!?

I also hope to use this as a sort of online diary. I don't keep a journal
anymore, but perhaps this will give me a reason to start doing that again.

A Look Back at 2002: The Year of the Cat

Wow, what a year! Can't say I hate seeing it go. It's been too long for my tastes.

No move this year, but I was told I'd have to move early next year. About sixty days notice...the house has been sold, we are all out. I hate moving, and it's even harder with two cats. I wish I could afford my own studio apartment, move in, and stay there 20 years or so.

The year of the cat...oh, how so! I started wanting a kitten late last year, but there were no babies at the time. It took three trips to the shelter before I was able to bring home little Xena, weighing only about 1 1/4 pds. She was about 6-7 weeks old when I brought her home. She's now almost 9 months old and must weight at least 10 pds. Her last weigh-in was several weeks ago and she was over 9 pds. at that point. She is still the light of my life and a beautiful classic silver tabby. I just wanted her; no other cats.

Fate had other plans.

This fall my co-worker, Brad, and I walked out on my back porch after I had not been out to the backyard in quite a while. We were looking for a lawnmower. Instead, we ended up surprising a family of feral kittens who were playing on the back porch. They looked to be about six weeks old.

I rented a trap and managed to catch them all—a mom and six kitten. The mom was an orange tabby, and the kittens—four orange tabby males and two tortie females—were the cutest things, even though they spent a lot of time hissing and spitting.

I'll make a long story short by saying that I gave away the kittens—three to a vet, three to private households—and adopted the mom. I wasn't planning on it, but I had to hold onto her so long before I managed to get her fixed that before I knew it, we belonged to each other. She was used to being in the house, and I couldn't just kick her outside. So the short of it is that I now have two tabbies, one silver and one orange, both spaded females.

I learned about the problems with the feral cat population, and the "fix and release" method of keeping the population steady. Now I want to fix and release more feral cats, though I won't be keeping any more of them. I own my own trap and want to help others by making sure fewer kittens are born.

As for my meds, I changed doctors since I could tell that my pdoc didn't want to give me my meds free anymore. The new doctor is willing to see me less often. I also learned about buying meds from Canada, found I could even get a generic of my prescription not available here in the U.S, and can even somewhat afford it – about $200 U.S. dollars for a three months' supply. She wants me to have a blood test to test for thyroid problems, which can cause depression, but I haven’t been able to get to it yet. I will, as I do feel it should be ruled in or out.

On the spiritual front:

In August, I got to go to my denomination's annual General Conference, held in upstate New York this year. It was so awesome! I attended the whole week and it was the best 500+ bucks I ever spent (including plane fare and everything).

At Conference I was able to give a short version of my testimony at the Tuesday night worship service (largest group I've ever spoken to), and made connection with Andrew Camenga about writing for the Helping Hand. I was later given my first assignment—two weeks of devotionals, due February 1.

I also had the highest spiritual experience of my life at Sabbath Eve worship. Wow! What an awesome God we serve! For so long I have struggled with whether or not God is worthy of praise, even though I know that in my head. That night, I felt it in my heart.

In September of this year Kathi moved her board off Delphi and was able to make regular appearances once again. For the first time in a long time I feel like I am just where I belong doing exactly what God wants me to do. What an awesome feeling! For so long I have felt like I was up on a shelf and God wasn't using me. To see that come to an end and really be able to sink my teeth into the new board has been awesome.

So overall it's been a busy year, but good.

poem: Into the Valley, I-IV

{Later note: This is a series of poems I wrote over a two and a half year period. It constitutes one story. I'm placing it here because this is the day when #4 was pretty much completed. It just wasn't in it's final forum until I went back to it about two and a half years later.}

9/22/00

Into the Valley
The sun is setting and the
Wind is starting to blow,
As we start down the path.
I shiver.
He wraps His cloak of promises around me
To keep me warm.
But the wind pays no attention to the cloak,
Kicking up dust that gets in my eyes.
It is dark, and we are alone.

Even though Jesus is with me,
I rage at God inwardly.
A God who would let a world such as this
Continue without check.
A God who would die for the payment of my sin,
Yet force me to bear this cross
Not of my making,
And suffer this pain I don't deserve.
I am filled with anger.

I can't see the other side of the valley.
I see the valley, in all its horror,
Spread out before me.
But I cannot see its end.
Does it have one?
There is loose gravel beneath my feet
And the stone underneath that is smooth.
I could slip.
Yes, I will slip.
But I will not die. Instead,
I will go on living this horror.
Even though He is with me,
I begin to cry.


11/19/00

Into the Valley II - Alone
My feet slip on the path,
I struggle to keep my balance.
I take another halting step
Deeper into the black sea beneath me--
The valley below.
I look for my Companion,
But see no one.
With a start I realize
I am alone
Still wearing the cloak
He wrapped around me.

I howl, I cry at this
Injustice.
But the wind picks up,
Howling louder than me,
Drowning my voice and
Whipping my hair into my eyes.
I pull His cloak tight around my fragile body, but
It is no use.
The wind is too strong.
The sand from the path flies up, taunting me, and
Rushes at my eyes,
Stinging, burning.

Why have You left me to
Fight these monsters in my head
Alone?
It's dark, so dark.
And cold.
I am afraid.
The moon is waning, almost new.
It will not rise until dawn,
And by then it will be too late.
I can't find You.
I'm so angry, Lord.
I'm so hurting.
I'm so lost.


12/27/00

Into the Valley III - Retreat
The night seems to grow darker,
Thicker.
If that is even possible.
I rage at the One who has put me here.
You have betrayed me!
I hate You.
I take another step forward and
Fall.

Why does the path suddenly dip down?
I squint into the darkness.
Indeed, it is steeper, perilously steeper.
I cannot see where--if ever--it levels out.
I retreat a few step, crawling.
I sit, the pebbles and rock
Cold and uneven under me.
Why have You led me here?

I wonder about going back to the trailhead,
And figure I could make it to the top.
I look up the trail.
Yes, I will do it!
But I take barely one step, before a
Lion--as out of thin air--appears, baring its teeth.
I stumble back.
Lord, why do You hate me so?


3/31/02
Edited 10/5/04

Into the Valley IV - The Way Out
It is You who led me into the valley,
Into a dark, windy, cold night we walked,
I lost sight of Your love, could only feel pain,
The rebuke of the One who sought.

But today I realize that I made it out,
And never thanked you in word.
So thank You, Father, for bringing me out.
Thank You that my prayers have been heard.

So out of the valley we walked hand in hand,
Out of the valley there was no blowing sand.
Out in the sunlight, I've made it through.
Thank You for staying by me and being You.

poem: The Morning After

{A poem about 9/11.}

The Morning After
Life goes on, world goes 'round,
Fallen shadows, with no sound
But cries and heartbreak, tearful nights,
Of those who lived to see the sight.

Months of cleanup, dusty air,
Thousands dead, we gawk and stare.
Tearing, ripping, hearts aflame,
All is different, ne'er again the same.

I cannot cry, though close I've come,
I cannot shed a tear, not one.
I wish I could, to let it out,
Instead of being so strong and stout.

God bless those who died and left
Wives, husbands, children, now bereft.
And God bless those of us still here,
Help us to realize life is dear.

Short-term prayer request

I've decided I want to get a kitten. I want something to love and love me back, have something that looks to me to meet its needs.

I sublet (like renting), so I need to clear this with the owner. He's a live-in owner and owns two grown cats, one of which I adore. :)

If I ever have to move and can't find a place that allows cats, a friend of mine [Eleanor] says she will take it in, so that's covered.

Pray that I'll be allowed to get a cat and that it will all work out between the owner and I (I don't need him getting upset at my over anything, cat or non-cat related).

Innocence Dies: 2001 – The Day America Cried

December 24 and 31, 2001
Updated January 8, 2002

It began like any other day. But it wasn’t. It was a day that we will mark time by – before or after?

It seems absurd on the surface to write of a year, and focus primarily on just one day. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. But this year I must. This year, all things pale in the light – or should I say darkness? – of that one day.

September 11, 2001 – oh God, how could You have let these terrorist attacks happen? But You did. And it has brought us together. We are united. We will stand. We are Americans. I have never in my life been so proud of that.

I think we all felt numb the day it happened. The mere thought of carrying on as normal, going through the motions, seemed like sacrilege. But we had to. Even as thousands died and millions (including all of us) mourned. Even as life stopped for so many, and changed for so many more.

How could they attack our country? How could they kill us so crassly? How could they do it in the name of God? But they did. And it’s over. And we have to go on. And we will, because we are Americans.

It seems sacrilege to write of any other happenings this year, but I must. This year was another turning point for me when I started on meds. I can’t believe how much Zoloft has helped me. I pray God will keep His promise to me to not worry about how I will pay. He has been faithful so far.

And of course, I can’t fail to mention the gift. How could I forget the gift? Spending three days at Charles’ house and meeting his new wife and kids was pure, unmerited grace. I didn’t ask for it, and I certainly don’t deserve it. Thank You, God. I don’t know why You keep doing these things for me.

Once I said I was glad to see the year end because it had been so hard. But I wasn’t. Not really. I lied because it seemed the right thing to say and because I wanted to leave the pain behind.

But the pain doesn’t go away. It comes into the new year with us. So I don’t want to say good-bye to 2001. It’s sacrilege, and lying, to leave some things in the past. I will always – always – remember September 11, and it should not be forgotten. I don’t want to leave it in the past as we enter this new year. Indeed, it won’t stay in the past; it is a present reality, even in 2002.

So as I say good-bye to 2001, I will not let go of that one day, even as I embrace whatever the next September 11 holds. May God bless me, this new year, and may He bless and heal my country.

That prayer thing again

[Name accidentally deleted] a while back challenged me to keep a prayer journal to see if I really got answers to my prayers, his point being that God doesn't exist. I went home and dug out an old prayer journal. It has one page of notes, with prayer requests dating from March, 1997 to January, 1998.

The first thing that jumped out at me is how many people I don't know anymore. About half the list is people I no longer have contact with. Jodie, Alisa, Joe, John...it's hard to evaluate a prayer request when you don't know the person you were praying for anymore. ;)

I do know one thing. Since I've been praying the last several weeks - getting serious about prayer for the first time - I've felt different. And isn't that what prayer is really about - changing us? We don't always get what we want. Sometimes God says "no" when we really want a "yes." Sometimes the answer comes in a form we didn't imagine. Sometimes people's free will will push God away and not make an answer possible.

But it's changing me, and I think that's the point. We can't change God, but through prayer, we can allow Him to change us. I'm tasting something beautiful for the first time. I won't give that up.

Muslims are NOT the enemy!

Isn't this just what Satan would like us to believe? "Muslims and their evil Quran preach hate about you Christians." Have any of us read the Quran? Taken the time to understand it? Then how can we pass such an arrogant, sweeping judgement about millions of people?

If we think they are the enemy, perhaps we should step back, challenge our own assumptions, and risk learning something new. Here are some resources on Islam from About.com (similar to Delphi for anyone who doesn't know).

http://islam.about.com/mbody.htm main Islam forum page

http://islam.about.com/blintroa.htm a basic intro. to Islam

http://islam.about.com/blattack.htm the Islam resource page on September's attacks

http://islam.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.iiie.net%2FBrochures%2FBrochure-01.html another article on beliefs

http://islam.about.com/library/weekly/aa092401a.htm an article from the guide about violence against Muslims after Sept. 11

http://forums.about.com/ab-islam/start the forum, for asking questions and talking about Islam

My last two weeks

Ok, it all started about 3 weeks ago. I mentioned in an e-mail to the group about the letter to God my counselor told me to write. It was a very angry letter. I said things I knew I shouldn't say, but she told me to speak my mind, and I did!
Less that a week later I was at taize. After I had come back from praying at the cross, I returned to my seat on the floor (I prefer to sit on the floor at taize), and felt an overwhelming urge to bow before Him. So I did. Right there where I sat. He didn't speak. I hardly said anything except to tell Him that my heart was not completely right with Him, so how could He be asking me to bow before Him?

And then I laid down just as an unfamiliar chant began. I don't remember how it went, only that it had to do with God's presence and gaze enfolding us. I almost felt like I was lying in His hand. I could have stayed there all night, just as I could have stayed bowed before Him all night. It was one of those magic moments when time touches eternity, and you are refreshed, with a renewed belief in His love for you, and a renewed hope that even the darkest night will end. It is one of those moments when I can believe that He is GOOD.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was talking to Theotwelve on IM when I realized something. I've known it forever, but at that moment I really KNEW it for the first time. In all the hell I've been through the past 18 months (and counting), He is trying to accomplish something good. He is trying to set me free! I can see how bound I have been by fear and circumstances. Through the Zoloft He is helping me to deal with the fear, though I know I will never be well without counseling and His active Presence. I can finally see some bonds being loosed...slowly, but it is happening.

I am beginning to understand now that He didn't want to hurt me as He did, but there was no other way to get my attention (a fact I will freely attest to), and that His ultimate purpose was good. I couldn't see that at the time, but I see it now. I would never go back to the way things were before He wounded me. I've come too far and am just glimpsing light and freedom on this side I never dreamed possible. (And I've barely started down this long path!) I am coming to understand--to really KNOW--what God means when He says He will hurt His people, and then promises to bind their wounds up. What a glorious vision!

And, for the icing on the cake, my counseling session today. I told my counselor about how I had written the angry letter to God and then less than a week later had God touch me at taize. I was thinking that He touched me IN SPITE of what I had written. My counselor thought their was a correlation between the two events, and I realized that what she was saying was that He touched me BECAUSE of what I'd written! Wow! What a vision of God! A God who loves me so much that when I lash out in anger, He reaches back in love (come to think of it, this is par for the course with Him).

Anyway, I wanted to share all that. It's been quite a ride here. I have also worked through a lot of my intellectual questions with Lee Strobel's "The Case For Faith." And also the communion question--don't know if I told the e-mail group about that or not. Theotwelve was a big help and I shared our IM conversation with my pastor who told me Ted was right in what he said. So I guess I will take communion next time I have the chance.

A Letter to God

June 18, 2001
Revised: June 21, 2001
Chicago, IL


How do I trust? Isn’t that what it all boils down to—trusting Who I cannot see, cannot touch, cannot feel? I don’t want to grow, dammit! I want to go back to The Way Things Were Before. Before You changed, and tried to change me.

But I know You have not changed. You have revealed something of Yourself I have not seen before, something terrifying, frightening, unsettling. It is something of the heart of a Father, something I have long avoided. It is the part of You that wishes me to become mature, the part of You that is answering my oft repeated prayer, "Make me into the woman You want me to be." Indeed, we need to be careful what we ask You for!

I have not forgotten who I am and Whom I belong to, but in the darkness I have lost sight of Your goodness. I admit to not being sure who You are anymore, or what I can expect from this unique relationship.

Who are You that You would inflict this upon me, or even "merely" allow it? Who are You to put the creation You claim to love through this hell called life, then say "no" to healing when it is so pleadingly asked for? What good are you anyway? But I have only questions. No answers. No peace.

Yet sometimes I can almost believe You are good. There have been so many moments over the past 10 days when You have given me more than I could have hoped for or believed. Working on the Trail, meeting Michael, if only for a couple of hours, even just spending a quiet Sabbath afternoon reading with my feet up, sipping a drink and listening to the breeze rustling in the trees. At moments like that I taste something of Your goodness, something of eternity, and I almost believe.

That is what it all comes down to, isn’t it? Eternity, heaven, the glory that makes earthly suffering pale in significance? It is our hope, our only real hope.

So Father, I don’t know who You are anymore, and I have more questions than answers. I don’t trust Your heart or Your character. Above all, I don’t really understand anything anymore. Truly when I had all the answers figured out, the questions changed.

God, only You can tame this anger within me, an anger toward You, an undercurrent all along. I pray You will overcome this in my life. I know that I am in Your hands. Since I don’t trust You, that terrifies me.

I could go on, but I would only have more questions, and You don’t seem to interested in providing answers. But I suppose that’s the point: if You gave me what I asked for—healing, answers, a personal appearance—I would have no need of faith, and somehow, in some way I can’t understand, faith means that much to You. Faith, and maturity, but we already covered that.

Other than shrieking at You in anger, rambling, incoherent, this is really all I have to say. I pray that You will hold on tight to me through this wilderness, until I come out the other side into the light of a new day.

poem: Sojourner of the Shadows

Sojourner of the Shadows
I'm a sojourner in the Valley of Baca,
The trees close in, I lose my Guide.
The darkness falls, and wolves, they threaten.
You promised to stay at my side.

But You forsook me and You left me,
And anger wells up within.
So I wanted to trust You and make this work,
But I can't, so I do this worst sin.

I loved You but I've lost you,
You, Creator of earth and sky.
The pain falls soft upon my shoulders,
And I only want to die.

But You hate me so I live on,
In a world bereft of Light.
Betrayed, I stand in the shadows,
And fear the approaching night.

Letter to the Editor

A letter to the editor of the Sabbath Recorder, the official magazine for my denomination. They did not publish it.


Dear Editor,

This letter has been a long time in coming. This issue has been niggling at my mind for a while, and I just can’t keep silent any longer. People may disagree with me—I may even be way off—but I have to go out on a limb and speak up.

I hear a lot of talk about the Sabbath in this magazine and at my church. This is not a bad thing. We need to wrestle with and define how this issue effects us individually and as a Sabbath keeping community. What I see is some double-mindedness when it comes to how the Sabbath is kept. I can’t speak for how widespread a problem this may be, but I suspect the problem may go beyond my church.
People go out to eat between the Sabbath hours, every week. People also shop for the evening meal Sabbath afternoon. This specifically violates the commandment to give your slaves and servants rest that day, along with yourself. After all, aren’t restaurant workers who serve us acting in the capacity of our servants? Aren’t grocery store checkers the same? Isn’t that what God gave us Friday for—to prepare for the Sabbath?

I understand the problems people encounter that keep us from keeping the Sabbath wholly holy. I understand that we have children, appointments, second jobs, and other things that eat away at the edges of the Sabbath and keep us busy long after dark Friday evening, with no time to prepare meals and so forth for the following day. But how can we expect God to bless us if we are hypocrites, saying one thing about the holiness of the Sabbath, and doing another?

He can’t. He won’t. I’ve asked myself over and over since joining this church what makes our denomination so small, and the Adventists so large. And I’ve come to this conclusion: one reason they are blessed with growth when we are not is because what they say about the Sabbath, they do.

Not only that, but they set a good example for their children. What kind of an example are we setting? I had one young adult, raised in the church, tell me that while she believed in the Sabbath concept, she wasn’t convinced that Saturday was the day. In other words, why couldn’t any day suffice? Another lady in my church had our double standard thrown back in her face by one of her little kids. When told she couldn’t go to the mall on Saturday, the child responded that we eat out, so what’s the difference? Folks, we are going to lose our children to the world!

I write this in all sincerity, as one struggling sinner to another. I love this church, and I believe in what we teach. But I fear that our lack of growth may be due, in part, to two factors totally within our control: One, that we are not serious in our Sabbath keeping practices. This turns prospective new members off, leading them to other churches that practice what they preach. Two, we may be losing our own young people, our most precious asset. It could all be turned around with a little extra planning the rest of the week so that our Sabbaths can truly be Sabbaths.
We need to educate ourselves and our children on this issue, and call ourselves back to holiness. Then God will bless us and we will grow.

In Christ,
Victoria Shephard

A Look Back at 2000: The Dark Night of the Soul

Asking "why" may be human, but it doesn’t make much sense anymore. It doesn’t even matter why, even though I know the reasons. This has been one of the worst years of my life—-right up there with the years I thought I had committed the unforgivable sin—-well, ok, a bit below that, but you get the idea.

I don’t want to write about this year. It’s all too fresh in my mind. How could God do this to me? How could He let this happen? How could He engineer it with full knowledge of the pain that lay ahead for me? But these are merely disguised "why" questions, and as I previously stated, the whys don’t matter. What matters is where I find myself and what my reaction will be.

For a long time God has been asking me to deal with some problems in my life, and for that long, I’ve refused. Keeping God at arm’s length and pretending the problems weren’t there was much easier. But He never allows situations like that to last, especially when they hinder our growth.

The foundations were laid late last year with a "chance" meeting on the Internet. I put that in quotes because God knew full well what He was doing. Once I had befriended that lady, He knew she would set in motion a chain of events that would leave me no recourse but to seek counsel. And so in March, with no other alternative and backed into a corner, I did.

And I prayed, prayed like I never have before, for direction, for help. In fact, I think I’ve prayed more this year than all the previous years combined. And I felt Him telling me to get counseling, and so I sought counseling, and in time, found my current counselor. It’s hard to talk about these things with him, much less on paper, so I am remaining general intentionally.

I am working through the problems. It will take time. It will be painful. I do not understand why God allows us to struggle with problems not of our making, but I understand that that will be my lot and the lot of every person alive until He makes all things new once and for all. We live in a sin cursed creation.

This year has been a dark night of the soul for me, one reason why I will be very glad when it is over. Bid farewell to the pain and step into a new year. Last year I looked forward to 2000 with promise and hope—what new things would this year bring? I had no idea of the pain and hurt and depression I would have to go through, and I was unprepared for answers to prayer that were other than what I wanted.

This will be remembered in my memory as the year when I prayed for healing of my mental health, prayed to be made normal, prayed for removal of my problem, and, even though I told God He would get all the glory if such a healing occurred, He said "no." To one of the most important prayers I have ever prayed. "No."

I have long suspected that there may be something wrong with me. My counselor says it is just "Boundaries" issues, but it must go deeper than that. Boundaries can’t hurt this bad. I have been feeling depressed and anxious from the counseling, as well as having many suicidal thoughts, and have had to resort to St. John’s Wort to deal with those.

I hate it. I hate it all. And I resent the hell out of God for putting me through this. I am reminded of a quote by St. Teresa of Avila that I have used often this year in e-mail and bulletin board signatures—-"Lord, if this is how You treat Your friends, no wonder You have so few."

I have freely admitted that likely nothing short of what He did would have moved me to action. He had tried everything else with no success. Though He is patient, He will chastise His children severely if other milder forms of correction don’t work. That’s what happened here.

Though Hebrews 12 says that discipline proves we are His children, let me tell you that is little consolation when the storm breaks fresh and heavy upon you and you are smothered under the weight. Let me tell you it’s little consolation even now, months later.

There is a part of me that is so angry and so scared that it wants to hurt Him, hurt Him as much as He has allowed me to be hurt. What kind of a Father stands idly by while His children suffer?

And yet, there are times when I can still believe God is good. As I write this first draft, it is Christmas Day, and I remember that today we celebrate a God who loved us so much that He became man to die the death that we deserve. He, the eternal God, put on a body—-a body He will always have, and that will bear the scars forever.

The dark night of the soul is still upon me. I see myself slowly descending into a valley. There is no moon, and I cannot see if this valley has an end. I know my Father led me here, but I am scared. The night is cold and dark and windy and just begun—-it is a long time until dawn.

Lord, keep me safe. This has been a hard year, and though I am angry at You and disappointed, I can see Your hand in this year—helping me to find a counselor, and answering my prayers, even if I didn’t like the answer. Please help 2001 to be better than this year has been. Please help me to grow closer to You through the difficulties that lie ahead. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

[Edit: This is no date on this, so I am just picking a date for it.]