Ok, it all started about 3 weeks ago. I mentioned in an e-mail to the group about the letter to God my counselor told me to write. It was a very angry letter. I said things I knew I shouldn't say, but she told me to speak my mind, and I did!
Less that a week later I was at taize. After I had come back from praying at the cross, I returned to my seat on the floor (I prefer to sit on the floor at taize), and felt an overwhelming urge to bow before Him. So I did. Right there where I sat. He didn't speak. I hardly said anything except to tell Him that my heart was not completely right with Him, so how could He be asking me to bow before Him?
And then I laid down just as an unfamiliar chant began. I don't remember how it went, only that it had to do with God's presence and gaze enfolding us. I almost felt like I was lying in His hand. I could have stayed there all night, just as I could have stayed bowed before Him all night. It was one of those magic moments when time touches eternity, and you are refreshed, with a renewed belief in His love for you, and a renewed hope that even the darkest night will end. It is one of those moments when I can believe that He is GOOD.
Fast forward to yesterday. I was talking to Theotwelve on IM when I realized something. I've known it forever, but at that moment I really KNEW it for the first time. In all the hell I've been through the past 18 months (and counting), He is trying to accomplish something good. He is trying to set me free! I can see how bound I have been by fear and circumstances. Through the Zoloft He is helping me to deal with the fear, though I know I will never be well without counseling and His active Presence. I can finally see some bonds being loosed...slowly, but it is happening.
I am beginning to understand now that He didn't want to hurt me as He did, but there was no other way to get my attention (a fact I will freely attest to), and that His ultimate purpose was good. I couldn't see that at the time, but I see it now. I would never go back to the way things were before He wounded me. I've come too far and am just glimpsing light and freedom on this side I never dreamed possible. (And I've barely started down this long path!) I am coming to understand--to really KNOW--what God means when He says He will hurt His people, and then promises to bind their wounds up. What a glorious vision!
And, for the icing on the cake, my counseling session today. I told my counselor about how I had written the angry letter to God and then less than a week later had God touch me at taize. I was thinking that He touched me IN SPITE of what I had written. My counselor thought their was a correlation between the two events, and I realized that what she was saying was that He touched me BECAUSE of what I'd written! Wow! What a vision of God! A God who loves me so much that when I lash out in anger, He reaches back in love (come to think of it, this is par for the course with Him).
Anyway, I wanted to share all that. It's been quite a ride here. I have also worked through a lot of my intellectual questions with Lee Strobel's "The Case For Faith." And also the communion question--don't know if I told the e-mail group about that or not. Theotwelve was a big help and I shared our IM conversation with my pastor who told me Ted was right in what he said. So I guess I will take communion next time I have the chance.
