poem: Into the Valley, I-IV

{Later note: This is a series of poems I wrote over a two and a half year period. It constitutes one story. I'm placing it here because this is the day when #4 was pretty much completed. It just wasn't in it's final forum until I went back to it about two and a half years later.}

9/22/00

Into the Valley
The sun is setting and the
Wind is starting to blow,
As we start down the path.
I shiver.
He wraps His cloak of promises around me
To keep me warm.
But the wind pays no attention to the cloak,
Kicking up dust that gets in my eyes.
It is dark, and we are alone.

Even though Jesus is with me,
I rage at God inwardly.
A God who would let a world such as this
Continue without check.
A God who would die for the payment of my sin,
Yet force me to bear this cross
Not of my making,
And suffer this pain I don't deserve.
I am filled with anger.

I can't see the other side of the valley.
I see the valley, in all its horror,
Spread out before me.
But I cannot see its end.
Does it have one?
There is loose gravel beneath my feet
And the stone underneath that is smooth.
I could slip.
Yes, I will slip.
But I will not die. Instead,
I will go on living this horror.
Even though He is with me,
I begin to cry.


11/19/00

Into the Valley II - Alone
My feet slip on the path,
I struggle to keep my balance.
I take another halting step
Deeper into the black sea beneath me--
The valley below.
I look for my Companion,
But see no one.
With a start I realize
I am alone
Still wearing the cloak
He wrapped around me.

I howl, I cry at this
Injustice.
But the wind picks up,
Howling louder than me,
Drowning my voice and
Whipping my hair into my eyes.
I pull His cloak tight around my fragile body, but
It is no use.
The wind is too strong.
The sand from the path flies up, taunting me, and
Rushes at my eyes,
Stinging, burning.

Why have You left me to
Fight these monsters in my head
Alone?
It's dark, so dark.
And cold.
I am afraid.
The moon is waning, almost new.
It will not rise until dawn,
And by then it will be too late.
I can't find You.
I'm so angry, Lord.
I'm so hurting.
I'm so lost.


12/27/00

Into the Valley III - Retreat
The night seems to grow darker,
Thicker.
If that is even possible.
I rage at the One who has put me here.
You have betrayed me!
I hate You.
I take another step forward and
Fall.

Why does the path suddenly dip down?
I squint into the darkness.
Indeed, it is steeper, perilously steeper.
I cannot see where--if ever--it levels out.
I retreat a few step, crawling.
I sit, the pebbles and rock
Cold and uneven under me.
Why have You led me here?

I wonder about going back to the trailhead,
And figure I could make it to the top.
I look up the trail.
Yes, I will do it!
But I take barely one step, before a
Lion--as out of thin air--appears, baring its teeth.
I stumble back.
Lord, why do You hate me so?


3/31/02
Edited 10/5/04

Into the Valley IV - The Way Out
It is You who led me into the valley,
Into a dark, windy, cold night we walked,
I lost sight of Your love, could only feel pain,
The rebuke of the One who sought.

But today I realize that I made it out,
And never thanked you in word.
So thank You, Father, for bringing me out.
Thank You that my prayers have been heard.

So out of the valley we walked hand in hand,
Out of the valley there was no blowing sand.
Out in the sunlight, I've made it through.
Thank You for staying by me and being You.