More musings on the death of my father

Was today's highlight the Ash Wednesday service? No, today's highlight was the Dividing Line program I listened to on my way to church. Dr. White asked (and answered) the exact question I have been asking about God - "Why not save my father?" This program was recorded the day before my Dad died. His answer was God's words to me. God knows what I am going through, and cares enough to give me an answer.

And my response to God giving me an answer is simply to realize that my questions are much broader than just "Why not save my father?" and go to the very heart of who God is and what the Bible says. It's blasphemous to even ask the questions I am, but I am asking them nonetheless. I just don't know what to do anymore, or how my father's death could so profoundly (and negatively) effect my faith.

My only hope right now is that because I had been praying before all this happened, I am still praying now, and perhaps God will hear my cry and save me from myself.

So is it that God is unknowable, or just that I don't want to accept what I see in the Bible, and I am really beginning to wonder if I do. The Scripture is clear, but it's hard, and I don't like it. And the only way out of this maze is for God to save me from myself. I don't understand Him anymore. I thought I knew what He was like, who He is, and now I realize I don't know anything about Him at all. And I am not liking what I see in the Bible.

And yet...I know He has called me and spoke to me and wants me. And I want Him. After almost 15 years I can't just walk away; indeed, I could not if I tried, and I have tried before. There is a relationship, and I don't want to give up on it, and I don't believe He wants to give up on me, so perhaps there is hope since neither of us wants to let the other go.

And so like Jacob, I wrestle (Genesis 32:24ff). As John Piper said, "I am begging, Lord, that I not be stubborn between Your fingers." Change my heart, Lord, to accept what You say, no matter how much my natural self doesn't like it, no matter how much I don't understand.