Friday, October 31, 2003

Samhain

Been running around today. Went to Sears and spent $90 on a new microwave and $20 on a new answering machine. The microwave is mid-size, and more than big enough for my needs. I could have gotten a smaller one chepaer, but this is something I will be using nearly every day for a long time to come, so I sprung for the bigger one. The answering machine is digital, the only one they had. I spent $244 yesterday, and about $110 today. :-p

Here we are back at Halloween again. I feel I am growing. This is the first year that I've been able to have a Halloween themed sig picture -

- and the first year I've been able to eat a pomegranate, my first pomegranate in about seven years.

Thursday, October 30, 2003

Why I Hate Christmas

It's so darn commertialized. This is the last paycheck this year that I don't have to take rent out of, so I just finished buying $244 worth of Christmas presents. The good news is that that covers almost everybody. One expensive person still left, though I did get her a couple books today.

So this should cover:

part of Ann
Cynthia
Dad
Bill
Mom
April and her dogs
Eleanor and her dog
my cats

The last thing I bought was chocolate for my Mom, by which time I was feeling so lowsy I tossed in a 1 pd. box of chocolates for myself. Which only made me feel worse because the price went up, but darn it, I hate Christmas shopping so I deserve it!

I now have only $272 to last me the next two weeks, including groceries.

I hate Christmas!

The Day After Halloween...

I have no idea who did the picture...it's been floating around the Net for a few years now. (Please give the picture a minute to load.)

The Day After Halloween

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

I really thought I would breeze through this week...

I really did. After all, Halloween marks the half year point since my conversion; this year it is 7 1/2 years since accepting Christ. I still get desires to go back, but Beltane is usually worse than Halloween for that. Besides, I've learned to fight the temptations, and they lessen over time anyway.

So why do I feel my world crashing down around me? Why, when so many other people are hurting and in need of help, do I find myself wishing I could be ministered to?

My counselor asked me if my depression's returned. I don't know if it has or not. I'll evaluate that when my world stops spinning and I can access where my emotions stem from. I am very sad, but it could just be situational and will pass. Yes, I am still taking my meds. I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.

Why I Hate Halloween!

1) Idiots. I see 'em ever year posting the same drivel as truth. Talking to them is like talking to a brick wall.

2) I was informed yesterday that my services are no longer wanted in the Refreshment ministry at City Church. It was a cordial letter, but I can read between the lines. I did not need this additional hit right now. Amy "forgot to inform me" of the change in plans, I assume she "forgot" because I have been dropped from the mailing list and didn't get the mailing about it. I tell you, they just make me feel so loved.

3) My period's started and I feel AWFUL! I want to crawl back in bed and go to sleep. I'm nauseous.

4) No matter whether I get a good night's sleep or not, I wake up tired. Last night cramps kept me awake and I didn't sleep well at all. I've been feeling like a zombie all week.

5) I'm struggling with a particular sin that God wants me to give up and I don't (non-occult related).

All in all I HATE HALLOWEEN, I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT!

Sunday, October 26, 2003

God and I

I went to church today. I didn't mean to, but I felt I had to because I thought I was scheduled to do refreshments. (I just sent an e-mail to the coordinator asking what happened - two others were doing the work when I got there).

I went to City Church today ONLY because I had the refreshments to do. One lady said to me maybe God had another reason for my being there. Perhaps she's right. God has a way of putting me in church services I don't want to attend if only because He has a strange sense of humor.

The services at City Church have a way of convicting me more than my home church. I sailed through church at my home church yesterday, but today I was squarely confronted by God.

I didn't take communion. They have it most every week, but I did not feel that I was in the place I could take it, not when I am running from God like this. I buried my face in my hands as they passed it out. I felt ashamed that I could not take it and knew that my friend Carol sitting near me would wonder why I didn't take it, even if she didn't ask (she didn't).

This is where I am right now, and was my prayer at church today:

Lord, I love my sin more than You. I won't give it up. I don't want to give it up. But I WANT TO want to give it up.

I *do* love Him. I just love something else more. :(

Monday, October 20, 2003

Which famous Shakespeare play are you?

Ohhhhhh my!  You're 'Othello!'
Ohhhhh, my! You're 'Othello!'

Which famous Shakespeare play are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Back to the More Mundane

Been working on my Web pages. Xena's site is updated to make finding certain pages and photo groups easier. Still some organization to do, but some things should now be easier to find.

Also been working on the Revelation 1:10 page on my Sabbath pages. Still has a ways to go, but I finally got my butt in gear and pounded out some more thoughts.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

It's Not What You Think

I wish this were about Witchcraft...I honestly do. Because then you all would be able to understand. Unfortuntely, Satan knows that he can't get to me that way anymore, so he found something completely unrelated to tempt me with. I've never dealt with it before or even thought about it before, so I never saw it coming. It hit me like a freight train coming out of nowhere.

As it is, only one person (Veronica) knows the whole story. F knows part of the story, but I never told her exactly what I'm involved in.

I thought I had this put behind me 2 1/2 weeks ago; I really did. But now it's back stronger and more alluring than ever. I don't want to stop.

I'm so sorry.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

All Screwed Up

[cries]

It's ALL screwed up, ok? I just can't do it. I can't. I love God, but I love my sin more. God is better off without me because I bolt at the first sign of trouble. I've dragged His name through the mud today. I feel lower than low. I just wanted to have fun, not hurt His name. I know He's angry. It doesn't matter.

He shouldn't trouble Himself with me any more. I'm a terrible failure, not willing to repent, so what's the use? It's pointless. I'll never be who He wants me to be and I'll just hurt Him all the time. I'm not worth it. I will never be worth it.

[cries]

Monday, October 13, 2003

*Sigh*

I don't think I will ever understand why I do the things I do. Why do I keep going back to sites I know I shouldn't? I love God - I do - so why do I trade it for momentary fun? Yeah, Friday and Saturday night I was right back doing things that I repented of not two weeks ago, and told God I wouldn't do again. *sigh* Why do I do it? And why does God keep after me since I am so obviously a lost cause?

Wednesday, October 08, 2003

Another billing mistake

Don't mind me, but this is out of hand.

A week or two ago I saw a new doctor to get my prescription. I explained to the receptionist that I didn't have insurance and didn't have a lot of money and she said she'd see what she could do about charging me less.

When I came out and asked her how much I owed she said $75 and I wrote her a check for that amount. Today I got a bill in the mail for $35 for the "remaining" part of my bill.

I called the number on the bill and explained that I had asked how much I owed and was told $75, so why were they billing me for more? They asked me a few questions and said they'd not bill be for the extra $35.

*sigh* Twice in two days is just a bit much don't you think?

Pacific Gas & Electric, take 2

Well, I spent time running around outside at midnight trying to find and read the meters for them. The lady on the phone determined that there HAD been a misreading at some point in the past, and she sent a note to the billing office about the mistake. They'll send me out a new bill, and she encouraged me to write a check for the approximate amount.

So that crisis is resolved. Still have lots more to do tonight so I need to get offline. Gosh, what a crazy, busy day it's been.

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Pacific Gas & Electric

Ok, as most of you know, this is my first apartment of my own, so I had to set up as account with PG&E, the local utility here who provides gas and electric service. No problem. Setting up the account was very easy since all the pilot lights and such were already lit.

Well, I get my first bill in the mail today and it's for $127! $3 for electric and $114 for gas (!), plus assorted miscellaneous charges. Naturally, I called PG&E about this. The guy said the bill was only for 10 days, and yes, $114 for gas for 10 days did seem wrong. He asked me to look at my meter but I wasn't home so I couldn't. Will do that tonight or tomorrow.

It's still warm here so it's not even like I had a heater on or anything. I've only had to turn on the heater a handful of times, and then only for short periods. This is the Bay Area; we don't have "cold" and "warm" seasons; we simply have "wet" and "dry."

This is NOT the way to make a good impression with me. I have NEVER dealt with this company before and they screw up my very first bill?!?