An interview, and the Walk for Life

Hi everyone.  I'm still alive. I treasure your comments and read them via e-mail in my spare moments at home.

Brad was kind enough to share his cold with me so now we are both sick. His cold is now bronchitis and my cold is just a nice healthy cold. Up until today I have been able to do some walking in between rain showers and the fresh air did me some good.  Today it has been a steady rain and not only am I feeling worse, but I had to take the bus to work because of the rain.

I haven't been sleeping well.  I woke up at 6 am and was unable to get back to sleep.

As for work, I've taken as much time off as I can get with my cold.  I got off two hours early on Monday and Tuesday, managed to get Wednesday off, and am working a half shift today.  A big thanks to L. and S. for making that time off possible!

As for my boss, things are still in the works.  Bill talked with me earlier this week and said he'll talk to boss J. today; we will see if that actually happens and what, of anything, comes from that.  I called the Mr. Camping's secretary about setting up a meeting with him. It is clear to me that Bill can not do what needs to be done so I have to go straight to the top.  There is no higher authority within Family Radio than Mr. Camping.

Tuesday afternoon I was interviewed by Michael Finney of the local ABC Channel 7 news.  He does the "7 on your side" consumer advocacy.  I received a Facebook message from him and we set up the interview.  It was about the Snuggies scam I fell prey to a year ago.  I asked him how he found me and he said it was through what I had written here on my blog.  He couldn't find a way to contact me on the blog, but finally tracked me down on Facebook.  I think the interview went okay and the segment should air sometime next week.  :)

The Walk for Life is this Saturday and Brad and I are planning to go.  I hope I feel better by then. This will be our third time attending. I have no way to posting links without Internet access at work, but just do a Google search on "Walk for Life West Coast," and you'll see what it's all about. It's held every January on the Saturday closest to the Roe v. Wade anniversary, which means cold, drizzly weather is just about guaranteed.

So yeah, I'm still alive, just depressed and sick at the moment. I think the stress at work is what made me sick because I have been healthy and have avoided every illness this winter - until boss J. went on his latest rampage.


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Profoundly depressed

I am alive, but barely functioning. I am still locked in this room 40 hours a week with no contact with the outside world aside from making or receiving the occasional work-related call.  This is no better than solitary confinement in prison except that I get to go home each night and sleep in my own bed.  I am not doing well. I just want to curl up and die. I have a meltdown at least once a week where I cry uncontrollably, sometimes in public places.

Somehow I've dragged myself out of bed each morning and done what I have to, though I skip Wednesday's gym session to sleep in.

My birthday was good. Brad and I visited the Winchester House and the Egyptian museum. I ate lots of bad foods.  :)  Aside from that bright spot of taking a day off work though, life has sucked pretty bad.  The meeting between Bill, boss J., Brad, and I of course never materialized. Even if it ever does, I doubt it will fix things.  Boss J. is one of those people who claim to be Christian, but when you talk to him it's all about him - I want this, I think that.  It's all about "I" and never about God.  That is the person in control of my life 40 hours a week.

I love my job - I really do. If boss J. were gone everything would be peachy again. How can I work under a boss who doesn't even pretend to like me anymore? He treats me with disdain.

Not much more to say.  Too depressed to care.  Today I forgot my computer power cord so I can't even use my laptop because the battery doesn't last very long.  Brad is too busy to bring me the cord so I have nothing to do today but stare at a wall.

I'll try to check in as energy allows. I just haven't felt up to writing entries lately.


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First week of 2010 - crap city

I'm in a dark mood. I've decided to dress in black at work for the
foreseeable future. Outside of work I can wear whatever, but at work my
clothes should reflect the mourning I feel for this department under
boss J's rule. I stopped at WalMart on my way to work and bought black
shirts and jeans. It cost about $66 (lol!). My hair is already black
and I own two black head coverings. Yesterday I pulled out my black
nail polish and painted my nails black.

Thankfully, boss J. is not at work today. He's a huge source of stress
and I'm a stress eater. Under stress I binge. I am praying for him,
myself, and (as always) my family.

After getting bit (twice!) last week by what I assume were spiders in my
bedding, I stripped the bed earlier this week. Today I stripped it
again and washed the comforter, sheets, pillow cases, inner pillow
cases, cat blankets, and even the mattress pad - in addition to my
normal wash. It took two double load washers (one just for the
comforter) and one triple load, plus two driers (again, one was just for
the comforter). I used bleach in two of the washes. I don't use bleach
for the colored or dark clothes, but did use it on the comforter (to
kill anything) and washing the whites. I got up a half hour early to
give myself enough time. I forgot my coffee so I stopped at the snack
shop at the laundromat and bought coffee there.

My exercise was plenty of walking. I think these new fitness shoes do
give me more of a workout. My abs were hurting slightly while walking
because of my ab workout yesterday. Legs, abs, butt - it just seems to
take more energy walking in these shoes. :) I walked to the laundromat
and back with my cart piled high. Then I walked down to the train
station, stopping at the bank to deposit the check I got yesterday from
my Family Radio "savings account." I walked from the train to work with
the stop at WalMart on the way. I'll try to explain the "savings
account" thing next week.

I'm a little worried about Xena, my gray tabby. She has the "crummies."
Brad came home yesterday to find puke on the floor. We didn't know which
cat did it at first. Then I fed them last night and Xena threw it up.
I fed them again this morning, and Xena threw it up again. She's not
showing any other signs of sickness, but throwing up three times (so
far) is not good. Xena is a skinny little thing and can't be missing
meals. I don't want to take her to the vet because I simply can't
afford it, but I will if I have to. The last time I tried to call the
vet (to get flea stuff) the number was disconnected. Brad and I need to
take a drive past and see if they are still in business or if I need to
find a new vet. :-p

Tomorrow is grocery shopping. I need to go to my Safeway because the one
in Alameda doesn't carry wheat gluten. I also need to find a beauty
store and look for black lipstick. There is one store by my house, plus
one at Southshore in Alameda.

Saturday is church and in the evening Brad and I will go to Costco for
salad. I'll have dinner there.

Sunday it's back to work for me, but Brad and I have Monday off because
it's my birthday. We're going to San Jose. When I cashed my "saving
account" check today I took out money for the trip. I'll give Brad some
gas money too. My birthday gift will be dinner at Sizzler. My birthday
is the last off plan day of the holidays for me. With my birthday so
near to Christmas, my birthday presents were always put under the
Christmas tree, and the tree stayed up until my birthday.

Comments left here are automatically e-mailed to me. I'm trying to
check my e-mail from home, and in any spare moments before my shift, so
I do see them and thank you for them.

Damn - spider bites, major washing, a bad boss, no Internet access from
work, a sick cat, and my vet is out of business. What a crappy start to
2010.

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Crap at work

I'm not going to log food stuff anymore. It's too hard without decent computer access and html code doesn't post right so I can't make a link anyway.

The crap at work is still getting me down. I haven't wanted to do anything except curl up and die. Boss J. either has no idea how disruptive he is to this department, or he doesn't care.  And just today he sent out an e-mail saying he was going to become more involved in this department - i.e. he's going to become even more controlling - and that we better know our jobs completely and totally and follow everything he and the SOP books say.  Crap and double crap.

I can only think of one other boss I had that was this controlling. That was a woman, a mid-level manager at McDonald's.  Brad thinks boss J. is insecure, that insecure people try to make up for it by controlling others. I think he may be right. I'm truly beginning to wonder if J. really is saved and if he might be truly evil rather than just inept.  We both know he's a very unstable person and wonder what mental issues he might have.

Diet-wise I'm struggling big time.  I'm a stress eater and the stress of working under someone who hates you both personally and professionally is oppressive.  Yesterday I ended up crying at work and self-medicating with carbs.  I took 4 Xanax tablets to make myself stop crying.

Today I worked out at the gym - 30 minutes of weight training and 1 hour of cardio on one of the new ellipticals.  I walked to work from the train station.

You can tell it's January - lots of new faces at the gym and it's harder to get equipment and machines.  I can't wait until the crowd dies down.  New Year's resolutioners...blech.  Leave the gym for those of us who want to pay for the privilege of going.

I'm liking my new fitness shoes.  They are comfortable and do throw you off balance so your muscles have to work harder to compensate.  I'm working on getting a photo of them on Flickr.  With limited online time I am not just getting to bed later than usual, but falling behind on basic tasks such as uploading photos to Flickr.

Between work and my weight I've been feeling really down lately.  Without a doubt I'd be suicidal if it weren't for my anti-depressant. So instead of suffering and wanting to die, I just plain suffer.

I know God is all-powerful, but when will He step in and fix this intolerable situation?


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Banned to the Bone, Day 2

Calories eaten yesterday: 944
Fat: 17g (18%)
Carbs: 70g (34%)
Protein: 104g (48%)
Calories burned in exercise yesterday: 406
(Yes, it is now calories burned yesterday instead of "today" since I
can't update today's workout until I get home late at night.)

I'm not allowed on the Internet at work, so I am posting this by
e-mail. I simply don't have time to write and post entries from home
since I only come home to sleep and then am gone again. The ban started
midnight on New Year's Eve, but yesterday was my first day back at work
so I count that as day 1 and today is day 2. I'm going to keep track so
I can later show how unfair boss J. is.

For those of you wondering, yes, I am the only one banned. Everyone else
here, both in my department and company-wide, are free to use the
Internet. Boss J. hates me and wants me to quit, so he is banning me
only. And no, there is no boss over him. That's why I had to talk to
the guy on the board of directors (for all the good it did).

The holidays were good. Brad and I spent New Year's Eve together after
we got off work. I worked until 9, then Brad took me home and worked
for me until 10, when the overnight girl, S., was coming in, working L's
usual shift. I was totally off plan all day and ate really, really
horribly (sugar and more sugar), culminating with wine and pizza for
dinner, and finally champagne and brie at midnight.

I am working on getting the Flickr photos up, but I am really behind,
partly due to the Internet ban. I'm glad to report that at least on New
Year's Day I ate healthy and light. I was off plan Saturday, but am back
on plan now, and will be until my birthday next week. Once my birthday
is over I can really get down to business.

Yesterday Brad and I went hiking and we brought my mini trampoline to
work so I can pass the time working out. I jogged for 50 minutes on it
yesterday.

Boss J. is back from his vacation now so I am now back to walking a
tightrope around him. I long for 7 pm when he usually leaves.

Today I went to the gym. In the locker room I overheard two women
chatting about those new fitness shoes that are all the rage right now.
I have wanted a pair since they first came out. One woman had a pair
and said she got them from the Sears near the gym on sale last week. I
cut my cardio session short and ran over to Sears. They were picked
clean and didn't have any 8 1/2s. I thought about buying the 8s, but
they were a bit small. A saleslady walked by and I asked her about
other sizes. She checked online, but there were none at the warehouse.
Then she called the Hayward store and they did have a pair of 8 1/2s.
She had them set aside for me and Brad picked them up this afternoon.
They were even the pink color I like best. :) I haven't seen them yet,
but they will be waiting for me when I get home.

I'm psyched! I have wanted a pair of fitness shoes since they first came
out, but everything I've found is $100 a pair. Sears had the Dr.
Sholl's brand for $70 regular price and currently on sale for $60! :)
Too good to pass up. Tomorrow I'll let you know how they work out.

2010 book list

Die, My Love by Katheryn Casey

101 Question Your Cat Would Ask Your Vet by Bruce Fogle

A Perfect Husband by Aphrodite Jones

First We’ll Kill My Husband by Lynn Riddle

The Pastor’s Wife by Diane Fanning

A Decent Into Hell by Katheryn Casey

Gone Forever by Diane Fanning

The Prom Night Murders by Carlton Smith

Through the Window by Diane Fanning

Red Zone by Aphrodite Jones

Under the Knife by Diane Fanning

In the Arms of Evil by Carlton Smith

By Their Father's Hand by Monte Francis

Playing with Fire by John Grott

The Darkest Night by Ron Franscell

Beyond Cruel by Steven G. Michaud

Small Sacrifices by Ann Rule

A Beautiful Child by Matt Birbeck

Love Me or I'll Kill You by Lee Butcher

Shattered by Katheryn Casey

Because You Loved Me by M. William Phelps

Lethal Embrace by Robert Mladinich & Michael Benson

Deadly Secrets by M. William Phelps

Perfect Beauty by Keith Elliot Greenberg and Detective Vincent Felber

The Potter's Freedom by Dr. James White
Note: I tried to read Dr. Norman Geisler's Chosen But Free, but it was so poorly written that it was a struggle just a skim most of the book.

The Officer's Wife by Michael Fleeman

Debating Calvinism by Dave Hunt and Dr. James White

God Chose To Save by Joseph M. Bianchi

Drawn by the Father by Dr. James White

The Five Points of Calvinism by David Steele, Curtis Thomas, and S. Lance Quinn