Thursday, January 14, 2010

Profoundly depressed

I am alive, but barely functioning. I am still locked in this room 40 hours a week with no contact with the outside world aside from making or receiving the occasional work-related call.  This is no better than solitary confinement in prison except that I get to go home each night and sleep in my own bed.  I am not doing well. I just want to curl up and die. I have a meltdown at least once a week where I cry uncontrollably, sometimes in public places.

Somehow I've dragged myself out of bed each morning and done what I have to, though I skip Wednesday's gym session to sleep in.

My birthday was good. Brad and I visited the Winchester House and the Egyptian museum. I ate lots of bad foods.  :)  Aside from that bright spot of taking a day off work though, life has sucked pretty bad.  The meeting between Bill, boss J., Brad, and I of course never materialized. Even if it ever does, I doubt it will fix things.  Boss J. is one of those people who claim to be Christian, but when you talk to him it's all about him - I want this, I think that.  It's all about "I" and never about God.  That is the person in control of my life 40 hours a week.

I love my job - I really do. If boss J. were gone everything would be peachy again. How can I work under a boss who doesn't even pretend to like me anymore? He treats me with disdain.

Not much more to say.  Too depressed to care.  Today I forgot my computer power cord so I can't even use my laptop because the battery doesn't last very long.  Brad is too busy to bring me the cord so I have nothing to do today but stare at a wall.

I'll try to check in as energy allows. I just haven't felt up to writing entries lately.


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10 comments:

It's Only Me said...

I am so sorry things are so bad right now. I hope that somehow the situation improves and the Depression lifts.
Al the best, Janey

Pendell said...

Prayers and friendship.

I dunno about you, but I'm going to be making a blood donation soon... with the events in Haiti, I suspect there's going to be demand. Maybe helping someone else will help fight the depression?

Or just zonking yourself silly with meds :).


I went through stressful job-hunting this year, and I gained 20 pounds. Hope you can find some way to deal with the stress (which is not necessarily the same as 'get rid of it') that will keep you from shooting your diet to heck.

Prayers.

Respectfully,

Brian P.

Pendell said...

'Nother silly thought: Just because you're prevented from accessing the internet doesn't mean you're prevented from working on the computer at all, right? You could write a book. Or at least a series of posts, which you could cut-and-paste and bring home on a thumb drive.

Respectfully,

Brian P.

Loving Annie said...

Sorry that today feels so bad. Much empathy sent your way. I know what that feels like to not care, and it's a scary and sad place to be emotionally.
May love fill, surround and bless you down to the deepest reaches of your Soul.
When you are in a depression like that, it's hard to count your blessings, but that would be turning your back on God.

If Boss J isn't about to leave - can you find another job somewhere ? Nobody should have to feel like you do. Treat yourself with respect and grace, and appreciate your own value. Take the action that supports your intention :)

((cyber hugs to you))

Arthur_of_Old said...

=-( I know that nothing we say will help you to feel better. I just pray that relief will come soon from the Father and that He will restore with mercy.

B

Brucker said...

Ugh, I know the feeling. I've been feeling largely cut off from the world not from having a sucky job, but from having no job at all. I've been out of work for over ten months now, and the depression has been crippling at times. I only interact with my family on a regular basis, and most of the time, I can't manage that very well, because I feel like I'm letting them down by not having a steady income.

Anyway, I'll send prayers your way, and let's hope things improve for all of us soon.

Anonymous said...

Missing your posts. Sincerely hope you are okay. Take Care. Janey.

Anonymous said...

You'll be fine. Keep on trusting and having faith in the Lord. He won't let you down. Receive His blessings.

Arthur_of_Old said...

Ah, we must be sure by self examination. All things are for our good. We must seek it as silver and gold.

Anonymous said...

Hey Victoria,

You do NOT have to put up with the bullying that you describe.

I get really miffed when I hear stories like yours. Yes, there are always two sides to every story, and I don't have J's....but the treatment you have described over the months, fits the definition of bullying and has OSHA ramifications. PS - don't even THINK about trying to submit a Workers Comp stress claim - that will stress you out more than you could possibly imagine. I know...I work in the industry!!!

I just mention the OSHA aspect as a possible item to discuss with Mr Camping - not in a threatening way, but as a way to suggest that he examine his approach and think, in his role as manager and company representative, about his duty to provide a safe place of work - where bullying is not tolerated

The prospect of looking for work is no doubt very daunting but you do not deserve this kind of treatment. No one does.

You can't change J but you can change your job. Yes, this will require some extra energy from you re: looking at job sites...but the energy is positive! Not negative like trying to figure out how to deal with J!

You obviously have transferrable skills in radio back room work - I don't imagine those skills are readily available in the general market??? So you have a better 'edge' than most in this tough employment market.


Wishing you well!

A