As usual my lack of updating isn't a lack of time, but motivation. Depression de-motivates you to do nothing but the necessary tasks to get by.
Boss J. is still a problem and his unfair ban continues to stand. Bill had a talk with him which resulted in nothing more than J. having a talk with me afterwards. I was honest, and he was not happy. When he asked if I trusted him, I said no. This made him mad and he launched into a short tirade about how we can't have communication if I can't trust him, blah, blah, blah. Sorry, J., but trust is earned and you have not earned it.
I tried to talk to Mr. Camping and he did come to see me before the Open Forum program one day last week. However, I don't think he really understood the problem. I took the paper that I wrote for Bill, expanded it and turned it into a letter format, and put it in Mr. Camping's box. I don't know if he will read it or care, but it's my only recourse. In it I spell out exactly what I want - a lift on the ban and someone other than J. to discipline me because I don't feel Jon will be fair. I doubt it will help, but I am going stir crazy back here and I can't take much longer. I'll try to attach my letter to Mr. Camping to this e-mail, but I doubt it will work. It's a Word document, but I don't think my blog allows attachments.
I have regular melt downs and cry, sometimes at work. My most recent was today. I had to take some Xanax to calm me down, but it has a side effect was tiredness, so now I'm calm but I want to do nothing more than sleep.
Bill said there will be a meeting next week. I'm not sure who else will be there besides Bill, J., and me. I do not believe it will solve anything. I am losing hope of things ever getting better.
The stress is taking a toll on Brad and I. We got into a big fight after the Walk For Life on January 23, then got into it again last Thursday when he drove me home from work. The situation is killing both of us since he has to listen to me complain and he doesn't like J. either.
Anyway, I still alive and still depressed. I just want to curl up and die because at least then the pain would go away.
Diet and weight-wise I am not doing good. I got an annual questionnaire from the Weight Control Center. One of the things they ask is you weight one year ago and your weight now. I looked up one year ago and I was about 135. I have been avoiding the scale but had to step on it to complete the questionnaire and now I am 150. I have gained 15 pounds since Thanksgiving - vacation, holidays, my birthday, and, the single biggest contributor, stress at work. I am struggling because I tend to medicate my mental pain and stress with junk food.
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