Saturday, May 28, 2011


Worship was pretty good today. The sermon text was just what I needed. I asked Pastor Brent if he picked it for me but he said no, so it's something God picked. :) He spoke on 2 Corinthians 4:7-18. It's a text on suffering. I didn't even know it was there. Truly, God picked today's text.

Though Pastor Brent has been going through hard stuff and maybe he was preaching to himself: He and his family are getting ready to move 2500 miles next month. None are thrilled with it, but they are sure it is God's call.

Our pianist was gone so we did all praise choruses and one hymn a cappella (It Is Well With My Soul).

The sermon was titled after the song "It Is Well With My Soul," and Pastor Brent likes history so he told about the author of the hymn (Horatio Spafford), a guy who went through terrible times, a story I heard at my first church many years ago. He lost all five of his children and everything he owned. The point was trusting in God in hard times as well as good times. It's easy to praise Him when things are good, not so much when you lose your five children and all your assets in under two years.

And it occurs to me why K has been after me, kicking me while I'm down, insisting that I can be well and life can be good and all sorts of other unbiblical stuff. She seems to believe in Word of Faith theology, a theology where we become like God and his hands are tied. It is not just Arminian, but hyper-Arminian!

It's a theology that I pegged as unbiblical even when I was Arminian. It's a sub-biblical view of God where God is so dependent on us that He can't do anything without our permission. This is not a god (I use small "g" intentionally) that I could worship.

Either God can do anything He wants whenever He wants (like step into history through Jesus, heal people, or even *gasp* bring wrath and justice down), or He's no God at all. He's either sovereign or He's not. Period. K actually told me that God limits his sovereignty. Um, no. Call it what you want, but that god is not a sovereign God, and certainly not the God of the Bible.

Both her and my Catholic friend (and the Catholic girl has proven a true friend) believe that my current struggles with God are because of my Calvinist beliefs, and really, that's not true.

I just have never been challenged by so many things hitting at once. My Dad's death effected me far more than I thought it would, and is forcing me to really face the reality of hell and whether I can follow a God like that. The issues I'm facing are Christian issues, not issues with Reformed doctrine.

Perhaps I have people against me so that when God brings me through, it will be seen to be just Him and He'll get the glory. I don't know. I do know that I have gotten grief from Christians who should know better. Brian has shown true maturity - even as an Arminian, he can see I am hurting and has chosen not to kick me while I'm down. I can't say the same for everyone.

It took about a week to get the drugs the hospital gave me out of my system. It was a huge hit on my liver - the pills I took to kill myself, and the drugs the hospital gave me because I was combative. In total that was a huge amount and it did weird things like keep me awake all night.

But I am finally able to sleep pretty normally. I've avoided all alcohol, a good thing given that alcohol would have taxed my liver more.

And I finally figured out why I attempted suicide this time when I never have before - in short, I promised I would never try to kill myself while Dad was alive. I knew my death would cause his death, and I didn't want his blood on my hands. He's gone now, so the only thing holding me back was removed. So this time when Satan put the thoughts into my mind, I decided to follow. I know it's wrong, but truthfully, I still don't want to be here.

Brad and I may go to St. Peter's tomorrow morning. I could use some liturgy to soothe my soul.

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