It's time to move on to the next step God calls me to. Yesterday night on the way home from work (yes, I worked a half shift Saturday night...I can use the overtime) I prayed and told God that I'll say the words. I don't know if I could mean them, but I'll say them and hope that the feelings follow.
So I told God that I was giving them over to Him, and I named them each (including those who believed what she told them and never gave me a chance to speak for myself), and said that He could take them and do what He wanted, whether it was justice or mercy.
I wish I could say it was a stunning success and that I've forgiven them and it's all over now, but life is rarely that simple. I can say this...the words felt like more than just words when I said them, and for the first time I was able to smile about the whole thing. I felt freedom, if only for a moment. Then it shifted back.
I'm still hurt and bitter, but God calls me to do this nearly impossible thing. I have been praying that He would help me to forgive. Since praying that has done no good, I will just have to keep giving them over to Him again and again. My anger and bitterness hurts no one but me.
God is with me and I'll be okay. Now I'm just in the long, slow process of learning to trust people again. Honestly, I was hurt so bad that I am having trouble trusting Christians that I meet online. I'm just waiting for the boom to be lowered. :(
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