Instead of a regular service today, Andre and Sarah gave reports on their summer with SCSC and the things they did and learned about God. Andre is now back. Sarah leaves Friday for college in Oklahoma. Pastor sent out an e-mail earlier this week asking anyone who had been at Conference to also give reports if we wanted. Boy, did I want! We ran out of time, but there was enough for Jane and I to give reports.
I had to scribble a few notes, but I just HAD to talk about forgiveness because that's what God impressed on me at Conference, has impressed on me all year. I talked about Pastor Rod Henry Tuesday night and how he challenged us about there being any parts in our lives where God isn't and to let Him into those areas. I said I went forward at the invitation. I talked about God doing some mysterious work in my heart in that moment. The forgiveness at that moment was all God and not something I could ever do. I talked about learning to trust Him, as forgiveness really IS an issue of trusting God to take care of the people involved. I still struggle with the emotions involved, and the flesh that still brings up feelings of bitterness, but that I am trying to focus on God, what He's done in all this, and what He taught me about Himself. Romans 8:28 applies to this situation, too.
I briefly looked at pastor, as he knows the whole story, and he smiled and nodded once. My voice cracked a couple times as I talked - it is a very emotional issue, whether sadness at what was done to me, or joy at how God responded to the situation. When that happened I had to get my voice under control. Conference is joyful; it would not be right to cry while talking about what happened while I was there.
Pastor Steve is the only person who knows the whole story and showed me Christ's grace and mercy. Being able to see Christ through him helped me to hold on to my faith in the situation. When I could not feel God's presence, and all evidence pointed against Him and back to the goddess, God made sure one person would give me what I needed to hold on.
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Pastor Steve was the only person willing to accept my apology, to believe my apology. I could also safely express to him how I was doubting my faith and thinking about going back. I expressed that both in person and by e-mail. I still have his e-mailed response.
It has been a very hard year, but God has been working behind the scenes, undoing what He can, bringing good out of what He can't. I nearly went back to HER, but in the end He came to my defense, and my faith is now stronger. This is the biggest good brought out of the evil done.
A struggle still remains. I once prayed about leaving the C&C Listserve so I don't go crazy and stay bitter, but I had a strong "no" feeling. I believe God wants me there, still wants me in ministry to Pagans. The feelings...they will just have to be dealt with. He sure doesn't pick the easy lessons.
After months of suffering, of my praise being all but extinguished, it is starting to well back up, like waking from sleep to a world still evil, but a God who is Lord over all. And so I praise Him, and hope that perhaps someday in heaven, I can be reconsiled to those who have hurt me. Perhaps there, nothing that transpired will matter anymore. But in this world, the less contact the better. Forgiveness does not mean letting the abuser(s) back into your life.
I'll quote again a portion of my favorite song from Conference, a song that taught me that it's possible to praise Him no matter how bad the pain.
"Blessed be Your name, when I'm found in the desert place Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be Your name.
"Blessed be Your name, on the road marked with suffering Though there's pain in the offering Blessed be Your name."
--"Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt and Beth Redman
Indeed, Lord, blessed be Your name.
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