Blast From the Past

I've been going through some of my old journals, specifically looking for old depressing poems I can use for my new poetry pages I'm working on. I'll announce it here when I finally get them up.

Anyway, yesterday I pulled out a journal from 1996, covering the time frame of 2 weeks before my conversion to 6 weeks after. I wanted to read more than the poetry. I wanted to read the actual entries. I was astonished by what I found.

What did I find? I found a girl who was scared and unsure of what was happening to her. I found a girl who hated literal interpretations of the Bible and who had some weird ideas about Paul. (Evidentally I thought that he did not write all the books ascribed to him. Hebrews I can see, but any others? What was I thinking?) I found a girl who didn't know the Bible or God, and had some pretty twisted ideas on each. I found a girl who had not walked away from Paganism and was trying to be a Christo-Pagan.

And yet He showed patience in the face of my ignorance, never slapping me down for my strange ideas and refusal to give up my past faith. For going to the Ancient Ways Festival, all I got was a cold - a relitively minor punishment for a fairly large infraction.

I guess I am just awed His patience with me in those early days, especially in the face of the stupid stunts I pulled. I could never get away with those things now, nor would I want to. Thank You, Father, for being so patient with me and walking me through things at my own pace. I know I must have frustrated You, yet You never showed me anything but love. I never did anything to deserve that. It is all Him and His love.

In my story, Charles said that my writings showed more peace after my conversion than before. I have never thought that was true and I certainly didn't feelmore peacful. But after reading my journal yesterday, I wonder. There was no fear or sadness in the entries. The poetry was explorational and hopeful, not fearful and depressing. I'll need to read more old journals, but what if Charles was right?