Joan of Arcadia, take 2

Wow. Tonight's episode was cool. I'm humbled. Joan wanted to go to a party and God told her to go (evidentally knowing the effect it would have on her), but to keep her eyes open. She didn't, and her friend nearly died from drinking too much too fast. Joan asks God why He didn't stop it from happening, and God says, "I told you to keep your eyes open." Then Joan gets indignant and says, "You're not going to blame this on me!"

Later in the hospital Joan sees God again, goes up to her (He was in His older lady disguise at that time), and says, "You should have been more clear." Of course, God says He can only point the way. Then it happens. Joan says, "But what if I mess up again? I don't want to mess up again." And I knew then that she had stopped running. She was coming home. :) God takes her in her (His) arms and just holds her.

I don't want to mess up either. I've been through so much this week, getting written up and all. I know the next time I get written up I'll be canned. This is just one more stress on top of everything else I've been through. I just want it all to stop.
And my reaction to it all is to get mad at God. Not walk away like I have in the past, but get angry and think about how I don't like Him. And then Joan of Arcadia comes on and shows me God again. I don't want to mess up, hurt other people, displease Him. I pledged myself to Him eight years ago, and like God continually seeking out Joan even when she didn't want Him in her life, God takes my covenant with Him seriously. He has sought me out time and time again when I have tried to renig and walk away. It is the most powerful love I have ever known. It is a love I want in my life, a love I don't want to wound.

I know that hard times lie ahead. I can't be perfect forever and will screw up at some point and be canned. When that happens I don't know what I'll do. But I do know that even now, He is there and knows it all. He is capeable of guiding me through it.
As my eyes wander around my computer screen, they fall on a prayer I have taped to the monitor, an old prayer written a few years ago by someone on a forum who was going through a hard time. He felt like a toy being played with by a hyper housecat. It is my prayer tonight. This became known as the "cat toy prayer."

Oh Lord, Play with me as you will for your amusement, Lord, for I am as you made me. If this is my purpose for now, help me to offer myself to you, and accept your pounces with joy. And when you have finished playing with me, please sprinkle me with catnip, groom me thoroughly, and tuck me under your chin when you take your nap.

God wants me to endure hardship this year. He has His reasons I am sure. There is no use fighting Him. He will always get His way in the end. I can work with Him and grow, or fight Him and only get hurt worse. This ring, this "wedding band" on my finger reminds me of my choice - Him, and Him alone.

Yesterday I was once again confronted with the song from Conference. Here I am terribly depressed, and I'm confronted with the song. Blessed be Your name, when I'm found in the desert place, though I walk through the wilderness...on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering, blessed be Your name. I must learn to praise Him in the dark. That is where real faith lives. Not from the mountaintops when life is good, but in the depths when every circumstance argues against Him and His goodness. Help me, Father, to be obedient through the rest of this trial.