This is long. Sorry. Stream of consciousness stuff going on.
Been thinking further about the different analogies people here have used. I resonate the most with David's description of Jesus leading you into a valley and then seeming to disappear, but that's entirely by faith. I feel more like Greg's analogy of just being tossed into a pit with no warning. When I talk about Jesus leading me down into the valley I don't feel that; my faith teaches me He is there even when I can't see or sense Him, so I assume He must be there. That's what poem #5 on this page, Into the Valley II - Alone, captures.
Brian said:
It's disappointing because it is rare in most people. Most people deliberately choose to stop their growth at some point, and remain babies their entire lives. I'm glad to see you are not making that mistake.
He won't let me. Not if I want to be close to Him. And I do. He is everything.
Brian said:
Hmm .. although my storming may have been different. I didn't so much leave him as say "Look, I need some space. Can we be as distant as possible while still maintaining a relationship?" And he agreed. It wasn't until I encountered EW that I really tried to get close again.
While I haven't walked away this year, I did make one big mistake. God told me not to take revenge, and when the opportunity came to get revenge without having to DO anything, I jumped at it. I also got disciplined for my rebelliousness. I won't be doing THAT again! It wasn't worth it.
Brian said:
I would say so. God has great things in store for you. The enemy wants to thwart that, of course. Strangling babies in their crib has ever been his/her way. It was her last, best chance to kill you spiritually for awhile, so naturally she took it. I suspect you'll find she'll never pose the same degree of challenge again.
I suspect you're right. Of course, God let her step in and test me. I failed the test initially, allowing her to be in my life and talk to me; He had to step in and rescue me. But now I am aware of her schemes. She has never gunned for me so hard before, and next time I will be wiser. I will not let her stay next time. She's going right out the door!
How can I be so foolhardy? I bear her scars to this day. Literally. I'm wearing a skirt today and I looked down at my leg - the one that got cut in the accident in 1996 - and I once more saw the faint scar. Even when I still worshipped her, as soon as she saw me take the smallest step toward God, she got scared (because she knew He answers honest prayers such as mine) and tried to take me out. Thankfully God sent a guardian angel (or somebody) to intervene. The motorcycle rider turned his cycle at the last moment and only clipped me, rather than hitting me head on.
I said:
Children can get away with things that adults can't.
Am I making sense?
And Brian said:
Yup.
When I think back on what I used to get away with 8 years ago...whew...He practically let me run amok, breaking every rule, and I received little if any discipline for my infractions. If I were stupid enough to pull the same stunts now...I don't want to think what He'd do. Then again, I have no desire to pull those stunts now.
Sometimes, I miss those day of being a baby and getting away with anything. But it is better to be a little older and know God better. I didn't know who He was then. Everything taught me about Him because I had no clue who He was. He first showed me His merciful side; it was what I needed at the time. To realize He wasn't the mean ogre I thought He was. As time has gone on He's also showed me His sterner side. The Holy Spirit has a way of getting His point across when I've displeased Him.
And strange as it may sound, He's taught me about covenants. I didn't realize when I committed to Him that I was making a covenant, nor how seriously He takes that. He seems to see this as a sort of marriage, and expects me to stay true to the covenant promise I made no matter what happens.
A few years ago being mugged might have sent me into a snit and a brief walk away from Him; this year it only served to renew my commitment to Him. I pulled my cross ring from my jewelry box and put it on my wedding finger. I told Him in so many words that I would follow Him and that some druggie mugger wasn't going to pull me away from Him.
A long time ago on the old C-P forum, back during a questioning phase of mine, FOAF posted the story of the Velveteen Rabbit. It's always stayed with me because his final comment on the story was so perfect that I copied it to my quotes document, and it also sits in my profile under the "Personal Quote" section. The rabbit in the story was loved by the boy until it was worn out. But it was because of this love, that it became real. FOAF said, "Sometimes, I think Christians are like that. We don't become real until we've been loved so hard."
And he's right. I've managed to catch glimpses of sun in this valley, and I wouldn't trade either of the two major valleys I've been through for ANYTHING. He takes something away, but the return has always been worth the cost. I've seen and learned too much to ever say that the tears and pain weren't worth it. They were and are. He has given me a crown of beauty to replace the crown of ashes I've worn this year (Isaiah 61:3). He is my God. She loses. I will never go back.
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