Taking Me Deeper

I've been thinking about some stuff. Something a friend said to me yesterday along with what happened this past weekend coalessed this in my brain.

Quite simply, my relationship with God is changing. It's time to grow up so I can go deeper into Him than before.

A week ago Saturday at church the sermon was about the fifth commandment, honoring our parents. At the time I was like, "Whatever." A couple days later my Dad called me to tell me he'd be coming down for the weekend. The sermon suddenly made sense.
I failed the test horribly, as usual. But I feel something happening with God. He was warning me, telling me. And somehow I know that, while I can get away with failing the test this time, next time there may be consequences. It's time to grow up and ACT like a grown up. Children can get away with things that adults can't.

Am I making sense?

This whole year has been about growth, growing closer to Him, and trusting in Him even in the valley when I can't see Him or feel Him. Yesterday somebody told me she has seen me grow this year. Could this be the furfillment of Susan's vision? Could the vision have been about more than just one thing?

See, for the eight years that I've been a Christian my relationship with Him has been very stormy, and not in a healthy way. This year, that shifted. Through the hell that I have been put through, my reaction has changed.

Oh my God...thinking about it...I have not walked away from Him once this whole year! I used to do that on a regular basis! Oh my goodness. I may lash out and rant at Him, but I remain. I don't pick up my toys and storm out of the throne room when I don't get my way. Even when He removes the sense of His presence. I know this may seem a small thing to all of you, but it is HUGE for me.

I don't believe that any of the bad stuff that happened this year was His perfect will. He can, however, bring good out of it, and I have learned more about Romans 8:28 this year than ever before. I am learning to trust.

Perhaps that's why "Stumbling to Bethlehem" fits me so well. I've certainly been knocked about this year, deliberatly tripped, but I haven't fallen. I'm stumbling for sure, but - and this is the important part - I'm on my feet and moving forward.
I have to wonder, when I came to that fork in the road in January and February of this year, if a lot more was at stake than I realized. I've walked away from God before, had temper tantrums, and I thought that if I did so in January it would probably be the same.

But then I remember that the goddess told me that in order to come back to her I had to renounce Jehovah. One thing that stayed my hand was feeling the imensity and importance of what she asked me to do. It wasn't something to be done lightly and I knew that attempting to sever my relationship with Him would have big consequences.
It's just that I grew so much through that experience that I have to wonder if trying to walk away wouldn't have been just as important in a detrimental way.
I had to get this out, tell someone. I may not sense Him, but I can clearly see that He is working with mighty power in my life.