I am so thankful at how God has carried me through this year. I have a few observations I want to make.
First, how boss J. went on a rampage against me at the end of 2009, making the beginning of 2010 pretty bad for quite some time. My depression was back, this time clearly situational in nature and nothing my medication could help with. A meeting with someone above him to try to resolve the issue only made him feel more powerful against me.
However, things were happening behind the scenes that I was not privy to, and I now see that what happened was that he was given enough rope to hang himself, and he did that quite well. I ended up vindicated and he was told to lay off on me. The punishments he levied were 95% undone, and I can live with the 5% remaining. So God saw me through that.
Second, I was able to get off my anti-depressant this summer. I was already on the highest allowed dose of Celexa because when I first started getting treatment for my thyroid a year or two ago, the medication made me very edgy and I would cry easily. The doctor raised my dose of Celexa and that took care of that problem.
So this summer I decide that I've long since adjusted to the medication so it's time to go back down to my regular dose. I wean myself off the 60mg back down to 40mg. I felt pretty good so I decided to see if I could go lower without the depression returning. I went down to 30mg and then the starting dose of 20mg and still felt good. Eventually I got myself off completely. I never thought that the depression I have had my whole life was a thyroid issue! Yet on thyroid meds, the depression has resolved along with all the other symptoms. I thank God for exposing the true cause of my depression and getting me on the right medication to combat it.
There was a little edginess I felt after getting off the meds and I am dealing with it through natural means - St. John's Wort and Omega 3 oil. I would like to think that I will be able to stop taking the St. John's Wort and then continue with the Omega 3 oil just because it's healthy. I will probably try that this coming year.
Third, and the pinnacle of joy and grace this year, God opened my eyes and heart to what is classically called Calvinism or Reformed theology. This evolution did not come out of nowhere (though I began talking about it at a very specific point in time). I listened for a long time before I said anything, and during that listening time God worked in my heart to make what used to be repugnant become something beautiful and desirable.
I wrote two notes about this - How this came to be, and It has to be said - so I will not repeat myself here except to say that I am so thankful for His grace. I certainly don't deserve the blessing of knowing Him better, yet He has chosen to reveal a little more of Himself to me. That is pure grace.
I certainly don't understand everything about these doctrines of grace, but I have made a start. Many thanks to the ministry of Dr. James White for introducing my to these topics and getting me to think Biblically. I can now embrace passages and chapters I used to avoid.
Fourth (and connected to point number three), I want to mention that as I searched for information on Reformed theology I came across the ministry of John Piper. More than a source for information, I found his message quite challenging, and he has made me think about God - and sin - in a new way.
It is evident from a handwritten note in my 10th Anniversary Edition of Desiring God that I completely missed the entire point Pastor John tried to make. I noticed the 25th Anniversary Edition is coming out next month, and I think I have grown a bit in the last 14 years of being a Christian. I now understand what he means by "Christian hedonism" and why this truth is both liberating and devastating.
God is calling me to more - to be so satisfied in Him that I will willingly lay aside the false and passing pleasures that compete for His place. I pray that He will help me in this journey. "God is most glorified in us when we are more satisfied in Him." This is the highest goal I - or anyone - can aspire to.
And that leads me to my last point. Some of you may know this and some may not, but I have been fighting Binge Eating Disorder for the last year. My weight has skyrocketed. I have been fighting this in my own strength - and losing. Perhaps God is using this to get me to turn to Him. I cannot overcome this on my own, but "with God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26). And so I commend this eating disorder and myself to Him and pray He will help me through this.
Soli Deo gloria!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Who hardened Pharaoh's heart?
Okay, I can't let go of this issue. It all started with Dr. James White critiquing a sermon from Chuck Smith of Calvary Chapel on Romans 9. Romans 9 mentions Pharaoh and so pretty soon we are back in the Exodus story.
Chuck Smith said there are two Hebrew words for "harden." A cursory reading of my study Bible notes only two Hebrew words. However, as Dr. James White indicated, there are actually three Hebrew words used in the Exodus story (one word is used only one time). He contends the three are interchangeable; I am not so sure. (See, I do not just take his word for it; I check it out for myself.)
So here are the verses with their Hebrew words. I'm quoting from the New American Standard Bible. You are welcome to look up these verses in any translation you wish.
Exodus
4:21 - "I will harden Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
7:3 - "I will harden Pharaoh's heart" - qashach (the only time this word is used)
7:13 - "Pharaoh's heart was hardened" - chazaq
7:14 - "Pharaoh's heart is stubborn" - kabed
7:22 - "Pharaoh's heard was hardened" - chazaq
8:15 - "Pharaoh hardened his heart" - kabad
8:19 - "Pharaoh's heart was hardened" - chazaq
8:32 - "Pharaoh's hardened his heart" - kabad
9:7 - "The heart of Pharaoh was hardened" - kabed
9:12 - "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
9:34 - "Pharaoh sinned again and hardened his heart" - kabad
9:35 - "Pharaoh's heart was hardened" - chazaq
10:1 - "Go to Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart" - kabad
10:20 - "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
10:27 - "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
11:10 - "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
14:4 - "Thus I will harden Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
14:8 - "The Lord hardened the heart of Pharaoh" - chazaq
14:17 - "I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians" - chazaq
Chazaq is used 12 times. Strong's entry
Kabad or kabed is used 6 times. Strong's entry
Qashach is used 1 time. Strong's entry
Almost every time Pharaoh hardens his own heart, kabad or kabed is used, though there are exceptions such as 10:1. Every time the text explicitly states that God hardened Pharaoh's heart, chazaq is used. Qashach is used only once in 7:3, and there it is an action of God.
When the text says "Pharaoh's heart was hardened" or "The heart of Pharaoh was hardened" both chazaq and kabad/kabed are used. They may be interchangeable or the author may be using each word to indicate who did the hardening: God (chazaq) or Pharaoh (kabad/kabed). I will admit this is speculation on my part, but this is what I am seeing after finding each Hebrew word and plugging it into the text.
Thoughts or ideas? Did I miss something obvious?
Chuck Smith said there are two Hebrew words for "harden." A cursory reading of my study Bible notes only two Hebrew words. However, as Dr. James White indicated, there are actually three Hebrew words used in the Exodus story (one word is used only one time). He contends the three are interchangeable; I am not so sure. (See, I do not just take his word for it; I check it out for myself.)
So here are the verses with their Hebrew words. I'm quoting from the New American Standard Bible. You are welcome to look up these verses in any translation you wish.
Exodus
4:21 - "I will harden Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
7:3 - "I will harden Pharaoh's heart" - qashach (the only time this word is used)
7:13 - "Pharaoh's heart was hardened" - chazaq
7:14 - "Pharaoh's heart is stubborn" - kabed
7:22 - "Pharaoh's heard was hardened" - chazaq
8:15 - "Pharaoh hardened his heart" - kabad
8:19 - "Pharaoh's heart was hardened" - chazaq
8:32 - "Pharaoh's hardened his heart" - kabad
9:7 - "The heart of Pharaoh was hardened" - kabed
9:12 - "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
9:34 - "Pharaoh sinned again and hardened his heart" - kabad
9:35 - "Pharaoh's heart was hardened" - chazaq
10:1 - "Go to Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart" - kabad
10:20 - "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
10:27 - "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
11:10 - "The Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
14:4 - "Thus I will harden Pharaoh's heart" - chazaq
14:8 - "The Lord hardened the heart of Pharaoh" - chazaq
14:17 - "I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians" - chazaq
Chazaq is used 12 times. Strong's entry
Kabad or kabed is used 6 times. Strong's entry
Qashach is used 1 time. Strong's entry
Almost every time Pharaoh hardens his own heart, kabad or kabed is used, though there are exceptions such as 10:1. Every time the text explicitly states that God hardened Pharaoh's heart, chazaq is used. Qashach is used only once in 7:3, and there it is an action of God.
When the text says "Pharaoh's heart was hardened" or "The heart of Pharaoh was hardened" both chazaq and kabad/kabed are used. They may be interchangeable or the author may be using each word to indicate who did the hardening: God (chazaq) or Pharaoh (kabad/kabed). I will admit this is speculation on my part, but this is what I am seeing after finding each Hebrew word and plugging it into the text.
Thoughts or ideas? Did I miss something obvious?
Thursday, December 02, 2010
It needs to be said
If you are in the dark about what I am talking about in this blog post, please refer to my previous blog post.
I have a few things to say, since some people are not at all happy at what is happening to me. I don't feel the same. I feel excited and exhilerated. This is not the unsure feeling I had as God first drew me to Him. In that case I knew I was safe and in good hands, but was quite unsure who's hands were the good ones anymore. In this case, I not only know I am in good hands, but Whose hands those are. :) This allows me to follow God without fear of where I am being led.
Yes, I do feel that God is showing me something new, bringing me into a truth that would have made me angry not too long ago. That can only be a work of God in my heart, making me open to things that I before found repulsive. Yes, God has used Dr. James White to articulate these things to me, but his words would fall on deaf ears without the work of God.
Quite simply, this is where I feel God is leading me; to not follow would be sin.
I can see these things in the way I came to Christ. Total depravity - that man can only use his will against God? Yes, my initial reaction to the drawing of the Father was to fight back and dig my heels in. I didn't want Him in my life. Irresistible grace? Well, when I got to the point of "choice" I realized there was only one "choice" to make - the one for God. I could not have done anything else. Unconditional election? There was certainly nothing good in me that would cause me to choose God. I was a Pagan worshipping other gods for crying out loud! Only a sovereign God could take out my heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh (Ez. 11:19, 36:26). Only a sovereign God could save me.
I tried to hold onto my Arminian ideas. I did. I wanted to be convinced. That's why I read Chosen But Free by Normal Geisler (the link is to the second edition, which I read; the 3rd edition has just come out). Unfortunately, I don't feel Dr. Geisler made a cogent argument based on Scripture.
After that I read The Potter's Freedom. I feel that Dr. White did a wonderful job of exegeting all the relevant texts, including answering the common proof tests put forward by Arminians. Most of the material was totally new to me; I had no idea that there were answers to these texts! I read it slowly and carefully. The Potter's Freedom, quite literally, rocked my world.
After that I read Debating Calvinism, trying to get, perhaps, a better defense of Arminianism from Mr. Hunt than Dr. Geisler managed. However, once again, I felt that the weight of Scripture was on Dr. White's side. (Here's my Amazon review.)
I'm not writing this to argue. I am simply sharing my heart about what I feel God is doing in my life. I am wowed and humbled that He would not only save me, but reveal Himself to me more and more over time (as He does with all believers).
Please be kind. As friends I only want you to be happy at what I am discovering, not jump on me as if I'm going off into some weird heresy (as some were concerned when I first came to my views on the Sabbath). God didn't lead me astray then (I'm not in some weird cult am I?), and He won't lead me astray now. I only wish to follow Him and His word. There is no other rule for faith and life other than His word, the Bible.
I have a few things to say, since some people are not at all happy at what is happening to me. I don't feel the same. I feel excited and exhilerated. This is not the unsure feeling I had as God first drew me to Him. In that case I knew I was safe and in good hands, but was quite unsure who's hands were the good ones anymore. In this case, I not only know I am in good hands, but Whose hands those are. :) This allows me to follow God without fear of where I am being led.
Yes, I do feel that God is showing me something new, bringing me into a truth that would have made me angry not too long ago. That can only be a work of God in my heart, making me open to things that I before found repulsive. Yes, God has used Dr. James White to articulate these things to me, but his words would fall on deaf ears without the work of God.
Quite simply, this is where I feel God is leading me; to not follow would be sin.
I can see these things in the way I came to Christ. Total depravity - that man can only use his will against God? Yes, my initial reaction to the drawing of the Father was to fight back and dig my heels in. I didn't want Him in my life. Irresistible grace? Well, when I got to the point of "choice" I realized there was only one "choice" to make - the one for God. I could not have done anything else. Unconditional election? There was certainly nothing good in me that would cause me to choose God. I was a Pagan worshipping other gods for crying out loud! Only a sovereign God could take out my heart of stone and replace it with a heart of flesh (Ez. 11:19, 36:26). Only a sovereign God could save me.
I tried to hold onto my Arminian ideas. I did. I wanted to be convinced. That's why I read Chosen But Free by Normal Geisler (the link is to the second edition, which I read; the 3rd edition has just come out). Unfortunately, I don't feel Dr. Geisler made a cogent argument based on Scripture.
After that I read The Potter's Freedom. I feel that Dr. White did a wonderful job of exegeting all the relevant texts, including answering the common proof tests put forward by Arminians. Most of the material was totally new to me; I had no idea that there were answers to these texts! I read it slowly and carefully. The Potter's Freedom, quite literally, rocked my world.
After that I read Debating Calvinism, trying to get, perhaps, a better defense of Arminianism from Mr. Hunt than Dr. Geisler managed. However, once again, I felt that the weight of Scripture was on Dr. White's side. (Here's my Amazon review.)
I'm not writing this to argue. I am simply sharing my heart about what I feel God is doing in my life. I am wowed and humbled that He would not only save me, but reveal Himself to me more and more over time (as He does with all believers).
Please be kind. As friends I only want you to be happy at what I am discovering, not jump on me as if I'm going off into some weird heresy (as some were concerned when I first came to my views on the Sabbath). God didn't lead me astray then (I'm not in some weird cult am I?), and He won't lead me astray now. I only wish to follow Him and His word. There is no other rule for faith and life other than His word, the Bible.
Monday, November 01, 2010
How this came to be
This is too long to put in a status, so I'll share it in a note. It's, briefly, how I got to where I am today, examining Calvinism.
First, my church is not Calvinistic. My church is a Baptist church with no official position on the matter. My decision to look at this has nothing to do with my church, nothing to do with Brad (who is also a Calvinist), and nothing to do with Mr. Camping, who may be a Calvinist, depending on who you ask - he goes farther and farther into heresy each day. At any rate, they are not to "blame."
Apple is to blame. With my iPod Touch I can listen to thousands of different podcasts. I listen to the "Bible Answer Man" via podcast, for example. And one day I browsed through the various Christian podcasts available via iTunes, looking for something to listen to, and stumbled across "The Dividing Line." I didn't know the guy was Calvinist; I wasn't thinking about that sort of thing at all. But from the first podcast, I was hooked. I don't know what it is about the program that attracted me, but I liked it, and kept listening.
I do a LOT of walking, both for exercise and to save on bus fare. It's a 30 minute walk from my house to the train, and a 30 minute walk from my stop into work. I use this time to listen to podcasts. And so I kept listening to "The Dividing Line," and occasionally he mentioned Calvinist stuff and it made me uncomfortable, but I needed to keep listening. The more I listened, the more sense he made. He critiqued leading "free will" scholars such a Dr. Willian Lane Craig and Dr. Normal Geisler. And he was right. I found myself agreeing more and more, or at the very least going away with a lot to think about.
I heard the spots for his books at the half hour break, including that "The Potter's Freedom" was a response to Dr. Geilser's "Chosen But Free." Well, you can't read a book that is a response until you read what it's responding to, so I went to my local bookstore and got a copy of Chosen But Free. It sat on the bookshelf for a while though, because I wasn't yet ready to get into the topic. I could sense that I was getting ready, but not there yet.
When I did finally pick up the book, hoping to be convinced of my free-will beliefs, I was sorely disappointed. I thought, "Is this the BEST they can offer me?" I struggled through parts of the book, but reading it cover to cover was too...embarrassing. It was not a cogent argument at all. I now understand why Dr. White says that "Chosen But Free" has done more for the cause of Calvinism than Dr. Geisler could have dreamt.
Anyway, after that I picked up "The Potter's Freedom," prepared to set aside anything if someone could just exegete the Scriptures well. I was blown away! Verse by verse, into the Greek, explaining the "proof" tests used to support free will doctrine - I had found a treasure trove, explained in a way I could understand! It literally changed my views and turned my beliefs upside down.
And that, dear readers, is where I find myself now. I *want* to know more, need to know more, want to know more about God. I've been a Christian 14 years, but God is deep enough to spend a lifetime delving into.
As of the time of this writing, I am reading "Debating Calvinism" by James White and Dave Hunt, a written form of a formal debate. I am also scouring YouTube for various videos. You'd be amazed how many people - including White, Hunt, Craig, and Geisler are represented there. Tons of videos, and tons of information. So that is where I'm at - reading and listening and learning, praying for the truth to be revealed, whatever that truth may be.
First, my church is not Calvinistic. My church is a Baptist church with no official position on the matter. My decision to look at this has nothing to do with my church, nothing to do with Brad (who is also a Calvinist), and nothing to do with Mr. Camping, who may be a Calvinist, depending on who you ask - he goes farther and farther into heresy each day. At any rate, they are not to "blame."
Apple is to blame. With my iPod Touch I can listen to thousands of different podcasts. I listen to the "Bible Answer Man" via podcast, for example. And one day I browsed through the various Christian podcasts available via iTunes, looking for something to listen to, and stumbled across "The Dividing Line." I didn't know the guy was Calvinist; I wasn't thinking about that sort of thing at all. But from the first podcast, I was hooked. I don't know what it is about the program that attracted me, but I liked it, and kept listening.
I do a LOT of walking, both for exercise and to save on bus fare. It's a 30 minute walk from my house to the train, and a 30 minute walk from my stop into work. I use this time to listen to podcasts. And so I kept listening to "The Dividing Line," and occasionally he mentioned Calvinist stuff and it made me uncomfortable, but I needed to keep listening. The more I listened, the more sense he made. He critiqued leading "free will" scholars such a Dr. Willian Lane Craig and Dr. Normal Geisler. And he was right. I found myself agreeing more and more, or at the very least going away with a lot to think about.
I heard the spots for his books at the half hour break, including that "The Potter's Freedom" was a response to Dr. Geilser's "Chosen But Free." Well, you can't read a book that is a response until you read what it's responding to, so I went to my local bookstore and got a copy of Chosen But Free. It sat on the bookshelf for a while though, because I wasn't yet ready to get into the topic. I could sense that I was getting ready, but not there yet.
When I did finally pick up the book, hoping to be convinced of my free-will beliefs, I was sorely disappointed. I thought, "Is this the BEST they can offer me?" I struggled through parts of the book, but reading it cover to cover was too...embarrassing. It was not a cogent argument at all. I now understand why Dr. White says that "Chosen But Free" has done more for the cause of Calvinism than Dr. Geisler could have dreamt.
Anyway, after that I picked up "The Potter's Freedom," prepared to set aside anything if someone could just exegete the Scriptures well. I was blown away! Verse by verse, into the Greek, explaining the "proof" tests used to support free will doctrine - I had found a treasure trove, explained in a way I could understand! It literally changed my views and turned my beliefs upside down.
And that, dear readers, is where I find myself now. I *want* to know more, need to know more, want to know more about God. I've been a Christian 14 years, but God is deep enough to spend a lifetime delving into.
As of the time of this writing, I am reading "Debating Calvinism" by James White and Dave Hunt, a written form of a formal debate. I am also scouring YouTube for various videos. You'd be amazed how many people - including White, Hunt, Craig, and Geisler are represented there. Tons of videos, and tons of information. So that is where I'm at - reading and listening and learning, praying for the truth to be revealed, whatever that truth may be.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Obit funny
I received this by e-mail. It is supposedly an actual obituary from a local paper Rome, GA. Whether or not it's real doesn't matter; it just gave me a good laugh.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Update on the insanity
The building owner was working on the apartment as I left to run errands today. I told him about the water bill and that I could not start service until he paid his past due bill on it. I asked about the front door. The current one will be the one we get, but it will be painted, have something put on the bottom to plug the huge gap, and have blinds inside so no one can look through the windows on the door.
The new estimate for the bathroom floor will be Thursday night, and they plan to have everything installed and ready for move in Friday after 5 pm. I have Direct TV coming Saturday afternoon so the TV and table need to be moved first. I asked about the Direct TV and he said to leave the old dish up, and that there was a pipe on the roof to clamp the new dish to.
I thanked the owner again for the mirrored closet doors in the living room. They look really nice, now I have a full length mirror to see my whole fat self in, and they make the room look bigger. I asked about the key and he gave me the house key, so now I can access both apartment.
In related news, I have Sunday off and Brad and I both have Monday off. I got Monday off when - of all people - boss J. offered to fill in. I took him up on it, but he never offers to fill in, so I thought it odd. I don't know the whole story, but it seems that boss J. got talked to, and one of the things they told him is to actually do some work, like filling in when people need shifts covered. J. has always maintained that working night and overnights messes him up because his sleep schedule is thrown off. Poor baby now has to work just like the rest of us! I have stayed until 3 a.m. countless times to fill half of the overnight girl's shift.
On Internet service, Earthlink can not provide me with cable on stand-alone DSL service. I have to keep my home phone. I'm sick of paying so much when I have no need of a home phone. It took an hour and a half on the phone to determine this. They said I need to contact my local phone provider to move the service. I thought my provider was AT&T, but they say they aren't. Brad plugged in my home phone and called information for the provider and I was given the name of a company that I've never heard of. I called, but they were closed for the day.
Since Earthlink can't give me what I need, I'm switching companies. I signed up with AT&T for high speed Internet with no home phone. More expensive in the short term since I have to buy the modem ($75), but the monthly rates for the first 12 months are much lower, and no contract! I'll drop the home phone at the end of the month, as well as drop Earthlink.
I have been with Earthlink for ages and a lot of Web pages that I have put together are housed on their servers. These will no longer be available of course. My church's Web site is included in this, so now I will have to find a new place to house it, plus a ton of images I use are housed on Earthlink's servers.
No update on a new e-mail address yet. I'll let everyone know when I have one. For now the Earthlink one (mindspring.com) is still good.
I'll update more when I figure out more!
The new estimate for the bathroom floor will be Thursday night, and they plan to have everything installed and ready for move in Friday after 5 pm. I have Direct TV coming Saturday afternoon so the TV and table need to be moved first. I asked about the Direct TV and he said to leave the old dish up, and that there was a pipe on the roof to clamp the new dish to.
I thanked the owner again for the mirrored closet doors in the living room. They look really nice, now I have a full length mirror to see my whole fat self in, and they make the room look bigger. I asked about the key and he gave me the house key, so now I can access both apartment.
In related news, I have Sunday off and Brad and I both have Monday off. I got Monday off when - of all people - boss J. offered to fill in. I took him up on it, but he never offers to fill in, so I thought it odd. I don't know the whole story, but it seems that boss J. got talked to, and one of the things they told him is to actually do some work, like filling in when people need shifts covered. J. has always maintained that working night and overnights messes him up because his sleep schedule is thrown off. Poor baby now has to work just like the rest of us! I have stayed until 3 a.m. countless times to fill half of the overnight girl's shift.
On Internet service, Earthlink can not provide me with cable on stand-alone DSL service. I have to keep my home phone. I'm sick of paying so much when I have no need of a home phone. It took an hour and a half on the phone to determine this. They said I need to contact my local phone provider to move the service. I thought my provider was AT&T, but they say they aren't. Brad plugged in my home phone and called information for the provider and I was given the name of a company that I've never heard of. I called, but they were closed for the day.
Since Earthlink can't give me what I need, I'm switching companies. I signed up with AT&T for high speed Internet with no home phone. More expensive in the short term since I have to buy the modem ($75), but the monthly rates for the first 12 months are much lower, and no contract! I'll drop the home phone at the end of the month, as well as drop Earthlink.
I have been with Earthlink for ages and a lot of Web pages that I have put together are housed on their servers. These will no longer be available of course. My church's Web site is included in this, so now I will have to find a new place to house it, plus a ton of images I use are housed on Earthlink's servers.
No update on a new e-mail address yet. I'll let everyone know when I have one. For now the Earthlink one (mindspring.com) is still good.
I'll update more when I figure out more!
Monday, May 03, 2010
Stop the insanity!
So I should probably check in with an update on what's going on with me. Brad and I are getting ready to move into Apt. 1 at the end of the week. It's a one bedroom and will be a good replacement for our current tiny studio. It's in the same building, just three apartments down.
There are some problems, most notably that I can't get water service started until the owner calls the water company and clears up the billing issue he has with them. Um...why hasn't this been done already? I got the gas and electric and the Direct TV transferred. Still have to call Earthlink to deal with the Internet.
Brad is once again (as usual) behind in what he owes me. He owes me a paltry $100 rent for May, plus roughly $100 in utilities. He owes me at least $100 for May. not counting his rent increase when we move, plus another $80 in utilities that have accrued. I have yet to see a dime, and lets not even go into the medical bills that I owe - $80 for my recent blood tests, plus whatever the doctor appointment comes to. How can I pay when he won't pay me?!?
My weight is now at about 175 - yes, 175 pounds on my 5'7" frame puts me firmly in the overweight range. I fasted for three straight days last week (a new record!), but it didn't seem to help. I don't know how I'm going to lose the weight because I am so hungry all the time. Plus, TOM is here again with is making my tummy upset and makes me crave bagels and crackers. I would kill to lose 50 pounds.
Haven't been making it to the gym lately - it's always something. Today the bus didn't show up. I catch the bus where the line starts and stops. No bus means a half hour wait for the next one. I called Brad to complain and he said he needed to leave and I could come in early and get some overtime. I jumped at the chance.
I am getting exercise. I pretty much walk everywhere instead of taking the bus. Getting to work involves an hour of walking so exercise is not an issue.
I'll try to update more regularly and there is more stuff I have to rant about, like welfare moms, apostasy, and the death of an old Pagan friend, but those are for another post.
There are some problems, most notably that I can't get water service started until the owner calls the water company and clears up the billing issue he has with them. Um...why hasn't this been done already? I got the gas and electric and the Direct TV transferred. Still have to call Earthlink to deal with the Internet.
Brad is once again (as usual) behind in what he owes me. He owes me a paltry $100 rent for May, plus roughly $100 in utilities. He owes me at least $100 for May. not counting his rent increase when we move, plus another $80 in utilities that have accrued. I have yet to see a dime, and lets not even go into the medical bills that I owe - $80 for my recent blood tests, plus whatever the doctor appointment comes to. How can I pay when he won't pay me?!?
My weight is now at about 175 - yes, 175 pounds on my 5'7" frame puts me firmly in the overweight range. I fasted for three straight days last week (a new record!), but it didn't seem to help. I don't know how I'm going to lose the weight because I am so hungry all the time. Plus, TOM is here again with is making my tummy upset and makes me crave bagels and crackers. I would kill to lose 50 pounds.
Haven't been making it to the gym lately - it's always something. Today the bus didn't show up. I catch the bus where the line starts and stops. No bus means a half hour wait for the next one. I called Brad to complain and he said he needed to leave and I could come in early and get some overtime. I jumped at the chance.
I am getting exercise. I pretty much walk everywhere instead of taking the bus. Getting to work involves an hour of walking so exercise is not an issue.
I'll try to update more regularly and there is more stuff I have to rant about, like welfare moms, apostasy, and the death of an old Pagan friend, but those are for another post.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Work, and diet news
Boss J. finally gave me my Internet privileges back - mostly. I'm still banned between 5 and 7 pm for the Open Forum program, but I can live with that. I got my privileges back last week after an incident with Open Forum. I followed the procedure to the T - putting it in the notes, e-mailing J. at both his home and work addresses, and calling him on his cell phone and letting him know. That was Monday last week. The next day he took me aside and said I could have the Internet again except between 5 and 7, the way it was before. I've been banned between 5 and 7 for ages now.
Stess is still high and will remain high as long as he is boss and that isn't going to change.
Diet-wise I am doing horrible. I have a terrible addiction to carbs that sabotages me every Wednesday, and that continues into binging every Thursday. Wednesday is day 4 of eating low-carb since I always restart on Sunday, and that's when liver glycogen is low and the cravings get bad.
I'm not sure what to do except to buckle down and do very low-carb like Induction. Perhaps I won't count calories and will eat a chicken or cans of tuna over salad with the zero calories Walden Farms dressing. If I can break the addiction I have a much better chance of getting my calories under control.
What is clear it that my current plan is failing, and I'm pissed. Cynthia has decided to restart Jorge Cruise's diet (good for her!), but she is saying horrible things about Atkins. Every day it's some new half truth or outright lie, such as equating ketosis with ketoacidosis (they are very different conditions!). I'm pissed enough to actually restart Atkins seriously with a very low-carb detox period. If I don't count calories at first I might actually survive the cravings.
Perhaps I will log what I eat every day on Facebook. In the right hand column you will find the link to my Facebook profile.
Wish me luck!
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4956 (20100318) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
Stess is still high and will remain high as long as he is boss and that isn't going to change.
Diet-wise I am doing horrible. I have a terrible addiction to carbs that sabotages me every Wednesday, and that continues into binging every Thursday. Wednesday is day 4 of eating low-carb since I always restart on Sunday, and that's when liver glycogen is low and the cravings get bad.
I'm not sure what to do except to buckle down and do very low-carb like Induction. Perhaps I won't count calories and will eat a chicken or cans of tuna over salad with the zero calories Walden Farms dressing. If I can break the addiction I have a much better chance of getting my calories under control.
What is clear it that my current plan is failing, and I'm pissed. Cynthia has decided to restart Jorge Cruise's diet (good for her!), but she is saying horrible things about Atkins. Every day it's some new half truth or outright lie, such as equating ketosis with ketoacidosis (they are very different conditions!). I'm pissed enough to actually restart Atkins seriously with a very low-carb detox period. If I don't count calories at first I might actually survive the cravings.
Perhaps I will log what I eat every day on Facebook. In the right hand column you will find the link to my Facebook profile.
Wish me luck!
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4956 (20100318) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
My Armour journey
Monday, May 3, 2010
I saw the doctor on April 23. I got him to raise my natural thyroid dose from 2 1/2 grains to 3 grains. I'll start the new dose when I run out of the old, which will be later this week. I told the doctor I'd return in six months and have a blood test form so I can get tests before I go in again. I'm not going to have TSH tested. A below normal TSH in my permanent file could be a problem if I need another doctor. Best not to test it anymore.
Anyway, so I will be taking 3 grains of natural thyroid a day plus 50mcg of levothyroxine, and take 100mcg one day a week.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
I have my latest thyroid results back. I don't have them in front of me. Best as I can remember my TSH was 0.02. This is below range, but I don't feel well if it's higher. My Free T3 was around 310 or 320 (a good place), and my Free T4 was 0.7, which is out of range on the low side, with 0.8 being the low end.
I talked to some people on About.com's thyroid board and we decided it was the timing of my dosing. I have been taking 100mcg of levothyroxine on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Of course, I take my natural thyroid med every day.
I had the test on a Friday before taking my medication, so the last dose of the T4 med would have been 48 hours before. That's why it probably came back low. I'm going to ask my doc for 50mcg pills. I hate cutting the 100s, and taking it every other day is giving me wacky test results.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Wow, I haven't updated this in a while! I'm almost out of Armour and will switch to compounded natural thyroid after that.
I am feeling lots better. I haven't had blood tests yet, but I think they will be much improved.
My legs hardly ever get bruises now, and even my period is trying to happen. It started Saturday, but is dribbling more than flowing. I haven't had a period in nearly three years, so this is big. I know my body has lots of healing to do what with my thyroid hormones being so low for so long. Who knew thyroid hormones could effect your monthly cycle (along with fertility I would add).
Anyway, so thing are better. I think this combination of 150mg natural thyroid along with 50mcg levothyroxine might just be my "sweet spot." :)
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Overall I am feeling lots better - more energy. I think the combo of 150mg desiccated thyroid along with 50mcg levothyroxine is really helping. I'll need blood tests to see the exact numbers, but I am generally feeling better.
The tiredness in the last entry resolved itself after a couple of days.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I felt pretty good yesterday and am worn out today. I had to change my Armour dosage around since the new pills don't cut well. My the current pills I'm using I need to take 2 1/2 a day, so yesterday I took three (hence more energy), and today I took two (hence less energy). The half life of the active T3 is only a fraction of the T4, but there's nothing I can do about that until these pills are gone. After this I am going on the compounded stuff I bought and those pills cut quite well.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I've been very tired this week. It's been about 6 weeks since my dose was raised at the end of August and I'm hitting the inevitable crash. Monday I had a hard time working out, especially weight training. Today was even worse. I felt I had no strength and decided to not even attempt weight training. I settled for one hour of cardio on one of the new ellipticals and then the 30 minute walk to work.
Why why why do I crash after 6 weeks on Armour? I know it must have to do with the T3, but what the heck is going on? Last time I crashed I had a doctor appointment and he raised me dose and I felt better again, but with Armour is short supply I have no doctor appointment upcoming. I need to be a a stable dose of one type of Armour for 6 weeks before I can even think about getting a blood test. I just want to feel better.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The bruising gets worse. On Monday I noticed tiny bruises all over both my thighs, in addition to the big one on my left calf. I don't know how they got there, but there are several and they are quite unsightly. I wish the bruising would get better. :(
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I somehow managed to get a big bruise on my left calf and I don't know how. It a stupid symptom of my thyroid disease. It's not one of the most common symptom, but unexplained bruising is a symptom. And it's just my legs that bruise - no other part of me - which is the way it works.
The bruising is a lot better than it used to be now that I'm on meds, but my levels still aren't where they should be, so some bruising still occurs. All I can think it that I kicked my calf with my right boot during the hike. I sometimes do that if I have an itch. Perhaps because I was wearing the boot and not regular tennis shoes it hit harder than normal and caused a bruise.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Friday Brad and I drove out to San Ramon to get my thyroid meds. They gave me 50 pills for about $50, but I only have to take 1/2 a pill a day so it will last me more than 3 months.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I found a compounding pharmacy to get my thyroid meds at. They had to contact my doctor, but they have the inside line and got right through. They are going to give me 50 300mg pills. Since I take 150mg a day, I'll cut them in half and they will last me 3 months. :) Yay! I thought for sure I was going to have to go to Cytomel which is $1 per pill. This is half that cost! :)
I talked to Brad and we will drive out there tomorrow to pick it up. Today I got the check for the vacation day I cashed in. I'll deposit that and use it for groceries and use the cash Brad gave me today to pay for the meds.
Monday, August 25, 2009 (Day 75)
I saw the doctor last Friday. He raised my Armour dose to 150mg (1 1/2 grains). He said adding some levothyroxine to the mix was a good idea and prescribed me the 50mcg I already started taking.
I think I found some Armour the the CVS drug store near my house, but they won't do what Walgreens did and give me 60s and 90s to equal my new 150mg dose. I called the doctor's office today and they said the doctor would be in tomorrow and they would see about calling in a prescription for 60s and 90s.
Feeling pretty energetic today. :) Must be the extra T3 in the higher dose of Armour.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009 (Day 68)
I'm trying to get ahold of enough Armour thyroid medication to last me through this shortage. I bought out the remaining stock at Walgreens. They only have the 60s which means taking two a day. At first they said they gave me 60 pills last week so I only had 40 remaining. I argued that since I have to take two I should get 80 pills. They finally listened and gave me 80. That's enough for 40 days, plus the 30 days worth I have at home. I called around to other pharmacies to see if anybody had more. One had a few 90s in stock, but only a few; the rest only had 30s and 60s. I may have to switch to Nature-thyroid. With the prescription plan ($35 a year) at Walgreens it would run me about $12 a month. I'm seeing the doctor this Friday and not sure what to do. Armour is completely unavailable.
Thursday, August 12, 2009 (Day 62)
I was at Walgreens checking on their prescription plan regarding Cytomel, but it's still too expensive for me. However, they do have some of the old Armour. It's more expensive from them and I don't want to take the old stuff since I started on the new, but they can give me one month's worth of the 60mg pills and I'd take two a day (60 pills total). That may buy me enough time for Forrest Pharmaceuticals to catch up on the Armour backlog.
There's a lot of stress in my life right now and with the 50mcg levo I added I'm getting pissed easily. :-p
Sunday, August 9, 2009 (Day 59)
My blood tests showed my Free T3 at about 22% of the range, but my Free T4 dropped from 30% to 10%, so as of yesterday I am adding 50mcg of levothyroxine to my Armour prescription to try to get the Free T4 up. With both my numbers still so low however, I think I need a higher dose of Armour as well.
The other problem is that Armour is unavailable until September and I will run out before then. NOT GOOD.
Monday, August 3, 2009 (Day 53)
I've been on 120mg of Armour for over 7 weeks now. I have been feeling poorly of late. I blamed my weird feeling Saturday on my meltdown Friday, and my weird feeling Sunday on drinking too much on Saturday. I feel tired and lethargic. It's as if the Armour puts me into overdrive and now I am crashing. It is not a pleasant feeling at all. I feel like I am in a "pre-coffee" haze 24/7.
I had my thyroid blood tests done today instead of going to the gym, and will have the results by the end of the week.
Monday, July 27, 2009 (Day 46)
Not feeling as good as I did at first. Perhaps I am just getting used to having more energy. I still feel better than I did before at least. I do wish the moodiness would go away, as well as the bruises on my legs. They have come and gone since I first started on levothyroxine, but have never completely disappeared. I still get new ones, just not as bad as before medication.
Sunday, July 18, 2009 (Day 37)
Brad admits that I do have more energy on Armour, but says that I anger a bit easier and am a bit more visceral in my anger. I guess he means by this that I don't have any true reason for my anger and little things will set me off. It's a good observation and I think he's got some good points. I hope this will diminish over time as I adjust to the med.
Monday, July 6, 2009 (Day 24)
Felt good at the gym today - pretty strong. Last Wednesday I felt like I pooped out partly through my cardio, but today I was going strong and wanted to go longer. Unfortunately, time was an issue so I had to stop.
Thursday, July 2, 2009 (Day 20)
I'm feeling more warn down and edgy, having trouble sleeping - bad symptoms. I'll keep sticking it out, but I need more quality rest and hate being so pissy to Brad.
Monday, June 29, 2009 (Day 17)
Made it to the gym today. I really do have more overall energy on the Armour and feel more awake, not as run down and tired. I really think the T3 it has might be the answer!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009 (Day 12)
Made it to the gym today to make a total of two days this week. I was tired after, but felt okay during my workout.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009 (Day 11)
It's been over a week now and I think I am adjusting. The first few days were the worst, but now I seem to feel a bit more energy overall.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009 (Day 5)
Feel kind of tired today and muddy-headed. Not sure if it's from real tiredness or too much sleep.
Tuesday, June 16, 209 (Day 4)
First gym session since starting Armour. Felt okay. Pretty much the same strength-wise. Seemed to be able to work out a litter harder on cardio.
Monday, June 15, 2009 (Day 3)
Felt kinda hyper. Wanted to do jumping jacks or run in place to burn off the energy (but I didn't).
Sunday, June 14, 2009 (Day 2)
Got a reasonable amount of sleep last night. Completely wiped out. I drank a double skinny latte and then leaned back in my chair at work, put my feet up, and promptly fell asleep (!!!). I awoke a few times by the computer dinging or Brad calling but managed to fall back asleep. I had to come into work early and punched in about 10:30 am. I don't know when I fell asleep, but before I knew it it was 2 pm! Had trouble falling asleep that night.
Saturday, June 13, 2009 (Day 1)
Was tired from a lack of sleep the night before. Took my very first Armour dose in the afternoon when I picked it up. Felt fine the rest of the day. :)
I saw the doctor on April 23. I got him to raise my natural thyroid dose from 2 1/2 grains to 3 grains. I'll start the new dose when I run out of the old, which will be later this week. I told the doctor I'd return in six months and have a blood test form so I can get tests before I go in again. I'm not going to have TSH tested. A below normal TSH in my permanent file could be a problem if I need another doctor. Best not to test it anymore.
Anyway, so I will be taking 3 grains of natural thyroid a day plus 50mcg of levothyroxine, and take 100mcg one day a week.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
I have my latest thyroid results back. I don't have them in front of me. Best as I can remember my TSH was 0.02. This is below range, but I don't feel well if it's higher. My Free T3 was around 310 or 320 (a good place), and my Free T4 was 0.7, which is out of range on the low side, with 0.8 being the low end.
I talked to some people on About.com's thyroid board and we decided it was the timing of my dosing. I have been taking 100mcg of levothyroxine on Sunday, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Of course, I take my natural thyroid med every day.
I had the test on a Friday before taking my medication, so the last dose of the T4 med would have been 48 hours before. That's why it probably came back low. I'm going to ask my doc for 50mcg pills. I hate cutting the 100s, and taking it every other day is giving me wacky test results.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Wow, I haven't updated this in a while! I'm almost out of Armour and will switch to compounded natural thyroid after that.
I am feeling lots better. I haven't had blood tests yet, but I think they will be much improved.
My legs hardly ever get bruises now, and even my period is trying to happen. It started Saturday, but is dribbling more than flowing. I haven't had a period in nearly three years, so this is big. I know my body has lots of healing to do what with my thyroid hormones being so low for so long. Who knew thyroid hormones could effect your monthly cycle (along with fertility I would add).
Anyway, so thing are better. I think this combination of 150mg natural thyroid along with 50mcg levothyroxine might just be my "sweet spot." :)
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Overall I am feeling lots better - more energy. I think the combo of 150mg desiccated thyroid along with 50mcg levothyroxine is really helping. I'll need blood tests to see the exact numbers, but I am generally feeling better.
The tiredness in the last entry resolved itself after a couple of days.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I felt pretty good yesterday and am worn out today. I had to change my Armour dosage around since the new pills don't cut well. My the current pills I'm using I need to take 2 1/2 a day, so yesterday I took three (hence more energy), and today I took two (hence less energy). The half life of the active T3 is only a fraction of the T4, but there's nothing I can do about that until these pills are gone. After this I am going on the compounded stuff I bought and those pills cut quite well.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I've been very tired this week. It's been about 6 weeks since my dose was raised at the end of August and I'm hitting the inevitable crash. Monday I had a hard time working out, especially weight training. Today was even worse. I felt I had no strength and decided to not even attempt weight training. I settled for one hour of cardio on one of the new ellipticals and then the 30 minute walk to work.
Why why why do I crash after 6 weeks on Armour? I know it must have to do with the T3, but what the heck is going on? Last time I crashed I had a doctor appointment and he raised me dose and I felt better again, but with Armour is short supply I have no doctor appointment upcoming. I need to be a a stable dose of one type of Armour for 6 weeks before I can even think about getting a blood test. I just want to feel better.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The bruising gets worse. On Monday I noticed tiny bruises all over both my thighs, in addition to the big one on my left calf. I don't know how they got there, but there are several and they are quite unsightly. I wish the bruising would get better. :(
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I somehow managed to get a big bruise on my left calf and I don't know how. It a stupid symptom of my thyroid disease. It's not one of the most common symptom, but unexplained bruising is a symptom. And it's just my legs that bruise - no other part of me - which is the way it works.The bruising is a lot better than it used to be now that I'm on meds, but my levels still aren't where they should be, so some bruising still occurs. All I can think it that I kicked my calf with my right boot during the hike. I sometimes do that if I have an itch. Perhaps because I was wearing the boot and not regular tennis shoes it hit harder than normal and caused a bruise.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Friday Brad and I drove out to San Ramon to get my thyroid meds. They gave me 50 pills for about $50, but I only have to take 1/2 a pill a day so it will last me more than 3 months.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I found a compounding pharmacy to get my thyroid meds at. They had to contact my doctor, but they have the inside line and got right through. They are going to give me 50 300mg pills. Since I take 150mg a day, I'll cut them in half and they will last me 3 months. :) Yay! I thought for sure I was going to have to go to Cytomel which is $1 per pill. This is half that cost! :)
I talked to Brad and we will drive out there tomorrow to pick it up. Today I got the check for the vacation day I cashed in. I'll deposit that and use it for groceries and use the cash Brad gave me today to pay for the meds.
Monday, August 25, 2009 (Day 75)
I saw the doctor last Friday. He raised my Armour dose to 150mg (1 1/2 grains). He said adding some levothyroxine to the mix was a good idea and prescribed me the 50mcg I already started taking.
I think I found some Armour the the CVS drug store near my house, but they won't do what Walgreens did and give me 60s and 90s to equal my new 150mg dose. I called the doctor's office today and they said the doctor would be in tomorrow and they would see about calling in a prescription for 60s and 90s.
Feeling pretty energetic today. :) Must be the extra T3 in the higher dose of Armour.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009 (Day 68)
I'm trying to get ahold of enough Armour thyroid medication to last me through this shortage. I bought out the remaining stock at Walgreens. They only have the 60s which means taking two a day. At first they said they gave me 60 pills last week so I only had 40 remaining. I argued that since I have to take two I should get 80 pills. They finally listened and gave me 80. That's enough for 40 days, plus the 30 days worth I have at home. I called around to other pharmacies to see if anybody had more. One had a few 90s in stock, but only a few; the rest only had 30s and 60s. I may have to switch to Nature-thyroid. With the prescription plan ($35 a year) at Walgreens it would run me about $12 a month. I'm seeing the doctor this Friday and not sure what to do. Armour is completely unavailable.
Thursday, August 12, 2009 (Day 62)
I was at Walgreens checking on their prescription plan regarding Cytomel, but it's still too expensive for me. However, they do have some of the old Armour. It's more expensive from them and I don't want to take the old stuff since I started on the new, but they can give me one month's worth of the 60mg pills and I'd take two a day (60 pills total). That may buy me enough time for Forrest Pharmaceuticals to catch up on the Armour backlog.
There's a lot of stress in my life right now and with the 50mcg levo I added I'm getting pissed easily. :-p
Sunday, August 9, 2009 (Day 59)
My blood tests showed my Free T3 at about 22% of the range, but my Free T4 dropped from 30% to 10%, so as of yesterday I am adding 50mcg of levothyroxine to my Armour prescription to try to get the Free T4 up. With both my numbers still so low however, I think I need a higher dose of Armour as well.
The other problem is that Armour is unavailable until September and I will run out before then. NOT GOOD.
Monday, August 3, 2009 (Day 53)
I've been on 120mg of Armour for over 7 weeks now. I have been feeling poorly of late. I blamed my weird feeling Saturday on my meltdown Friday, and my weird feeling Sunday on drinking too much on Saturday. I feel tired and lethargic. It's as if the Armour puts me into overdrive and now I am crashing. It is not a pleasant feeling at all. I feel like I am in a "pre-coffee" haze 24/7.
I had my thyroid blood tests done today instead of going to the gym, and will have the results by the end of the week.
Monday, July 27, 2009 (Day 46)
Not feeling as good as I did at first. Perhaps I am just getting used to having more energy. I still feel better than I did before at least. I do wish the moodiness would go away, as well as the bruises on my legs. They have come and gone since I first started on levothyroxine, but have never completely disappeared. I still get new ones, just not as bad as before medication.
Sunday, July 18, 2009 (Day 37)
Brad admits that I do have more energy on Armour, but says that I anger a bit easier and am a bit more visceral in my anger. I guess he means by this that I don't have any true reason for my anger and little things will set me off. It's a good observation and I think he's got some good points. I hope this will diminish over time as I adjust to the med.
Monday, July 6, 2009 (Day 24)
Felt good at the gym today - pretty strong. Last Wednesday I felt like I pooped out partly through my cardio, but today I was going strong and wanted to go longer. Unfortunately, time was an issue so I had to stop.
Thursday, July 2, 2009 (Day 20)
I'm feeling more warn down and edgy, having trouble sleeping - bad symptoms. I'll keep sticking it out, but I need more quality rest and hate being so pissy to Brad.
Monday, June 29, 2009 (Day 17)
Made it to the gym today. I really do have more overall energy on the Armour and feel more awake, not as run down and tired. I really think the T3 it has might be the answer!
Wednesday, June 24, 2009 (Day 12)
Made it to the gym today to make a total of two days this week. I was tired after, but felt okay during my workout.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009 (Day 11)
It's been over a week now and I think I am adjusting. The first few days were the worst, but now I seem to feel a bit more energy overall.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009 (Day 5)
Feel kind of tired today and muddy-headed. Not sure if it's from real tiredness or too much sleep.
Tuesday, June 16, 209 (Day 4)
First gym session since starting Armour. Felt okay. Pretty much the same strength-wise. Seemed to be able to work out a litter harder on cardio.
Monday, June 15, 2009 (Day 3)
Felt kinda hyper. Wanted to do jumping jacks or run in place to burn off the energy (but I didn't).
Sunday, June 14, 2009 (Day 2)
Got a reasonable amount of sleep last night. Completely wiped out. I drank a double skinny latte and then leaned back in my chair at work, put my feet up, and promptly fell asleep (!!!). I awoke a few times by the computer dinging or Brad calling but managed to fall back asleep. I had to come into work early and punched in about 10:30 am. I don't know when I fell asleep, but before I knew it it was 2 pm! Had trouble falling asleep that night.
Saturday, June 13, 2009 (Day 1)
Was tired from a lack of sleep the night before. Took my very first Armour dose in the afternoon when I picked it up. Felt fine the rest of the day. :)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Me on TV!
Hey there everyone - no time for an update today, but I wanted to say that I was on the local TV news a couple days ago. I was interviewed back in January, but it just aired this Monday. Click the link below to see the video. It's only a few minutes long:
Complaints over Snuggie ordering process
Complaints over Snuggie ordering process
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Life still sucks
Food-wise and I still majorly addicted to sugar and carbs. I try to break the addiction and always binge around day 3 when my liver is depleted of glycogen and screaming for carbs. :( I continue to gain.
Work-wise things are not good. I can see they never will be good while boss J. is in control, micromanaging and nitpicking. At least by threatening to audio record our conversations he has stopped haranguing me and all other communication is by e-mail where he must be civil.
I'm not sure if I stated what happened at the meeting last week or not so I'll briefly recap. The meeting did not go well. The two other people there went the way of the world - managers standing behind managers, backing J. all the way. The only good to come of it was that I am now allowed online between 8:20 pm and 10:50 pm when I get off. Such a small amount but every little bit helps. It's not like I can really play Cafe World on Facebook anyway because my work computer is a Microsoft piece of junk. My Mac at home handles the game just fine. :) Macs rule!
The only bright spot in this mess is that I have once again been asked (for the first time is about two years) to write for the Helping Hand Bible study guide that my denomination puts out. The downside is that the editors evidently didn't plan well and are not far behind. They want me to write 5 week's worth of Bible devotions - the entirely of unit 1 for the winter quarter - in less than 4 weeks. It's due May 20th. Without Internet access most of the time I am forced to use a concordance to find parallel verses. I'll be writing on one passage when another pops into my head and I have to use a concordance instead of a much simpler Bible word find Website that would give me the verse instantly.
They have me doing mostly Old Testament verses, often in the prophets (mostly Isaiah). It's much harder to write those devotions. The Old Testament can be difficult to interpret. I am having to use my study Bible to help me understand. At any rate, it's more of a challenge than usual, though not altogether bad. I always learn something writing these and they allow you to weave personal experience into it.
What I have learned so far is that God wants me to wait on him. He will deal with J. in His own time. I know I do not want to be him on that day! God will do fix this situation and get rid of J., but that time it not here yet. I pray Psalm 13 almost daily, and today a verse from Psalm 27 popped into my head (hello concordance!). The whole psalm is another good one for me to pray, and it end with these words in verses 13 and 14: "I had fainted unless unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord: be on good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord (KJV).
Brad and I are still waiting for the front apartment to be finished until we can move in. Until then, we are stuck sharing my tiny apartment and I am trying to avoid banging my legs on his cot every night and I get ready for bed. :-p It's was supposed to be done by January 1 - what the fuck is going on?!? Grrr...
Well, that's all the news that's fit to print. Look in the links on the right for my Flickr photos and Facebook page. :)
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4916 (20100304) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
Work-wise things are not good. I can see they never will be good while boss J. is in control, micromanaging and nitpicking. At least by threatening to audio record our conversations he has stopped haranguing me and all other communication is by e-mail where he must be civil.
I'm not sure if I stated what happened at the meeting last week or not so I'll briefly recap. The meeting did not go well. The two other people there went the way of the world - managers standing behind managers, backing J. all the way. The only good to come of it was that I am now allowed online between 8:20 pm and 10:50 pm when I get off. Such a small amount but every little bit helps. It's not like I can really play Cafe World on Facebook anyway because my work computer is a Microsoft piece of junk. My Mac at home handles the game just fine. :) Macs rule!
The only bright spot in this mess is that I have once again been asked (for the first time is about two years) to write for the Helping Hand Bible study guide that my denomination puts out. The downside is that the editors evidently didn't plan well and are not far behind. They want me to write 5 week's worth of Bible devotions - the entirely of unit 1 for the winter quarter - in less than 4 weeks. It's due May 20th. Without Internet access most of the time I am forced to use a concordance to find parallel verses. I'll be writing on one passage when another pops into my head and I have to use a concordance instead of a much simpler Bible word find Website that would give me the verse instantly.
They have me doing mostly Old Testament verses, often in the prophets (mostly Isaiah). It's much harder to write those devotions. The Old Testament can be difficult to interpret. I am having to use my study Bible to help me understand. At any rate, it's more of a challenge than usual, though not altogether bad. I always learn something writing these and they allow you to weave personal experience into it.
What I have learned so far is that God wants me to wait on him. He will deal with J. in His own time. I know I do not want to be him on that day! God will do fix this situation and get rid of J., but that time it not here yet. I pray Psalm 13 almost daily, and today a verse from Psalm 27 popped into my head (hello concordance!). The whole psalm is another good one for me to pray, and it end with these words in verses 13 and 14: "I had fainted unless unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord: be on good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord (KJV).
Brad and I are still waiting for the front apartment to be finished until we can move in. Until then, we are stuck sharing my tiny apartment and I am trying to avoid banging my legs on his cot every night and I get ready for bed. :-p It's was supposed to be done by January 1 - what the fuck is going on?!? Grrr...
Well, that's all the news that's fit to print. Look in the links on the right for my Flickr photos and Facebook page. :)
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4916 (20100304) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
Thursday, February 25, 2010
power corrupts
I am alive even though sometimes I wish otherwise. I still have a job and boss J. is still being an a**hole. There was a time when he wanted to do better, or at least he tried to do better. I think that changed when his supervisor retired and they didn't replace him. All of a sudden boss J. had *power.* As a child I learned one thing about power - power corrupts. So now boss J. acts as dictator over his little kingdom of Network Control. I hate to so say it because it is wrong to do so, but I hate the man.
I have been praying for myself and this department. I have adopted (and pray) Psalm 13. I cry because of the stress J. causes me, I skip church because I don't want to be around people, and I am just overwhelmingly depressed. I have never had a supervisor as bad as J.
"The meeting" finally happened and was everything I feared. Boss J. was his best politician self and got both Thad and board member Bill on his side before the meeting ever happened. It was a long meeting where they mostly beat up on me telling me I had to trust J. (um, isn't trust something that's earned?) and other nonsensical stuff. J. made a few empty promises to do better in certain areas. I have no hope of his following through. He has truly deceived himself that he is hurting me for my own good. The real reason is power of course. I have never seen a man more enamored with power.
Internet-wise, boss J. let me have 50 minutes of Internet use between 10 and 10:50 pm when I get off. At the meeting I asked for a very meager amount of time online - just 3 hours total minus any time handling problems and such, but in the end I had to settle for 8:20 pm to 10:50pm - just 2 1/2 hours. So they are still being hard asses and relegating me to staring at a wall the rest of my shift.
I'm wearing all black all the time. I am in permanent mourning for what J. has done to this department. No one likes him. The overnight girl thinks he's an "idiot," and of course Brad and I have been on the receiving end of his power mongering for a long time now. I stopped at Old Navy earlier this week and bought some black tank tops, another pair of black yoga pants (they are so comfortable!), and a black purse. Everything except the pants were on sale. :) I bought more black nail polish today. I'm pairing down my closet and need to box up all my non-black clothes.
Brad and I are still planning on moving into the one bedroom apartment in the front of the building. It still isn't ready, nearly two months after it was supposed to be ready. :-p
Gym time has been minimal, mostly just because I'm too depressed to motivate myself to go. The constant rescheduling of "the meeting" has also played a part in some missed sessions. The lack of heavy exercise has not helped my weight. Most of my exercise is just walking places to save on bus fare - not anything that burns many calories.
My weight is continuing to climb. I'm up around 20 pounds at the moment. I am trying so hard to be good, but then something comes along and knocks me for a loop and I binge. I have come to understand that I have Binge Eating Disorder. The basic definition is to eat past the point of being full at least twice a week; this behavior must continue to three months or six months - I've seen both numbers. By the three month definition I am already there. :(
Anyway, so that's another update.
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4896 (20100225) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
I have been praying for myself and this department. I have adopted (and pray) Psalm 13. I cry because of the stress J. causes me, I skip church because I don't want to be around people, and I am just overwhelmingly depressed. I have never had a supervisor as bad as J.
"The meeting" finally happened and was everything I feared. Boss J. was his best politician self and got both Thad and board member Bill on his side before the meeting ever happened. It was a long meeting where they mostly beat up on me telling me I had to trust J. (um, isn't trust something that's earned?) and other nonsensical stuff. J. made a few empty promises to do better in certain areas. I have no hope of his following through. He has truly deceived himself that he is hurting me for my own good. The real reason is power of course. I have never seen a man more enamored with power.
Internet-wise, boss J. let me have 50 minutes of Internet use between 10 and 10:50 pm when I get off. At the meeting I asked for a very meager amount of time online - just 3 hours total minus any time handling problems and such, but in the end I had to settle for 8:20 pm to 10:50pm - just 2 1/2 hours. So they are still being hard asses and relegating me to staring at a wall the rest of my shift.
I'm wearing all black all the time. I am in permanent mourning for what J. has done to this department. No one likes him. The overnight girl thinks he's an "idiot," and of course Brad and I have been on the receiving end of his power mongering for a long time now. I stopped at Old Navy earlier this week and bought some black tank tops, another pair of black yoga pants (they are so comfortable!), and a black purse. Everything except the pants were on sale. :) I bought more black nail polish today. I'm pairing down my closet and need to box up all my non-black clothes.
Brad and I are still planning on moving into the one bedroom apartment in the front of the building. It still isn't ready, nearly two months after it was supposed to be ready. :-p
Gym time has been minimal, mostly just because I'm too depressed to motivate myself to go. The constant rescheduling of "the meeting" has also played a part in some missed sessions. The lack of heavy exercise has not helped my weight. Most of my exercise is just walking places to save on bus fare - not anything that burns many calories.
My weight is continuing to climb. I'm up around 20 pounds at the moment. I am trying so hard to be good, but then something comes along and knocks me for a loop and I binge. I have come to understand that I have Binge Eating Disorder. The basic definition is to eat past the point of being full at least twice a week; this behavior must continue to three months or six months - I've seen both numbers. By the three month definition I am already there. :(
Anyway, so that's another update.
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4896 (20100225) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Boss J.'s e-mail about me
I managed to get ahold on boss J.'s e-mail about me. One of the people it was sent to knows Brad and told him so he could tell me, then got me a copy today. I'll give you all one guess as to why boss J. started with me instead of some other operator.
"Subject: Network Control Operator Evaluation: Victoria Shephard
"As part of my desire to assist Network Control Operators in the professional development, I am currently developing an evaluation procedure...
"In this same vein I am currently in the process of evaluating Victoria Shepard's (sic) performance (I will be sending out the same request for the other Operators within the next month)...I would REALLY appreciate it if you could provide me with some information to work with. I understand that we are 'all in process', so there may be some occasions where she didn't perform as well as you may have liked. That said you are also welcome to give an overall assessment and/or specify certain incidents that you found either positive or negative..."
He then goes on to list specific areas of concern and that all information will be kept confidential. The e-mail was sent to 25 different people, some of whom I have never worked with or ever even spoken to.
Peggy, the assistant secretary at the Sacramento office, hit "reply all" and fired back saying, "It is not my place to evaluate your staff. That is your job! When I have a problem with your staff, I will let you know."
So there you are. He is clearly on a fishing expedition, looking for reasons to fire me. The funny thing is that he will find nothing. There are only two person on the list who might have something bad to say. One is "buddy buddy" with J., and the other gets mad at every operator, not just me. No one else will have anything bad to say because I do my job and I do it well. Seven of the people I know but have never worked with. An eighth person I have never even spoken to in my 10+ years here.
The e-mail was sent to my former supervisors in the secretarial department where I used to work, but was not sent to the head of the French department where I subbed for someone for two months putting together the French programming (you don't have to speak French to do this). I guess J. is not aware of my time there.
At any rate, the e-mail was not well received from what I have heard around here, and as I said, few people will have even one bad word to say about me. If any do reply it will be with good things, not bad ones.
So, was this a professional thing to do? Would anyone out there dream of sending such as e-mail? Your comments are welcome and appreciated. Thanks. :)
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4852 (20100209) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
"Subject: Network Control Operator Evaluation: Victoria Shephard
"As part of my desire to assist Network Control Operators in the professional development, I am currently developing an evaluation procedure...
"In this same vein I am currently in the process of evaluating Victoria Shepard's (sic) performance (I will be sending out the same request for the other Operators within the next month)...I would REALLY appreciate it if you could provide me with some information to work with. I understand that we are 'all in process', so there may be some occasions where she didn't perform as well as you may have liked. That said you are also welcome to give an overall assessment and/or specify certain incidents that you found either positive or negative..."
He then goes on to list specific areas of concern and that all information will be kept confidential. The e-mail was sent to 25 different people, some of whom I have never worked with or ever even spoken to.
Peggy, the assistant secretary at the Sacramento office, hit "reply all" and fired back saying, "It is not my place to evaluate your staff. That is your job! When I have a problem with your staff, I will let you know."
So there you are. He is clearly on a fishing expedition, looking for reasons to fire me. The funny thing is that he will find nothing. There are only two person on the list who might have something bad to say. One is "buddy buddy" with J., and the other gets mad at every operator, not just me. No one else will have anything bad to say because I do my job and I do it well. Seven of the people I know but have never worked with. An eighth person I have never even spoken to in my 10+ years here.
The e-mail was sent to my former supervisors in the secretarial department where I used to work, but was not sent to the head of the French department where I subbed for someone for two months putting together the French programming (you don't have to speak French to do this). I guess J. is not aware of my time there.
At any rate, the e-mail was not well received from what I have heard around here, and as I said, few people will have even one bad word to say about me. If any do reply it will be with good things, not bad ones.
So, was this a professional thing to do? Would anyone out there dream of sending such as e-mail? Your comments are welcome and appreciated. Thanks. :)
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4852 (20100209) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
Monday, February 08, 2010
Life still sucks
I'm still doing pretty sucky. Weight-wise I can't stick to plan because I'm not just addicted to sugar and carbs, but I tend to binge and gorge myself when I am under stress. I stuff my feelings down with food and I now have a nice little belly to show for it.
Getting to the gym is hit and miss (mostly miss). I don't feel like going when I am depressed, and it requires getting up early and traveling a long way on the bus. I often just don't have the will to crawl out of bed. I am getting exercise, though. I walk a lot of places both for the exercise and the savings on bus fare, and if worse comes to worse I can always pull out the mini trampoline I keep at work and jog on it after boss J. has left for the day.
Work-wise the stress is wearing on me. I'm now allowed online a total of one hour a day. I think boss J. expected me to be grateful or kiss his feet or something. Every day I can't wait for him to leave at his usual time of 7 p.m. He commutes from far away and will often work 14 hours so that he can come in fewer days (good for me!).
Today it looks like I'm stuck here until 3 a.m. The overnight girl, L., is sick again of course none of the part-timers want to work that shift at all, especially on such short notice. So I have to work 12 hours, have Brad take over at 3, and then come back at 3 p.m. tomorrow for my regular shift. Boss J. made it very clear to me that he does not like working the overnight because it is "hard." <sarcasm>Oh, the poor baby wants to be a manager and have all the perks but none of the responsibilities. </sarcasm>
And that's another thing about working under J. I have never had a job before where I had to find my own fill-ins or come in anyway, no matter how bad of shape I'm in. In normal businesses you just call in sick and the manager takes responsibility to find a fill-in, or do it himself. Not under J. He wants us to do his job and find our own fill-ins. This usually results in my working 3 p.m. to 3 a.m., and forces Brad to come in at 3 a.m. and work until 3 p.m., when I come in again.
Bill, the board member, called me on Saturday and said we would have a meeting today with me, Jon, Bill, and Lupe. Brad thought Lupe was a bad idea so I called back and asked for Matthew or Thad, or, if it had to be another woman, Kathleen from downstairs. Bill called me back and said he was trying to set up something with Thad, and that's where it stands now.
I took the paper I wrote and that I gave to Bill, turned it into a letter format, expanded it, and put it in Mr. Camping's box.
I know boss J. is waiting for me to break, but if he thinks I will, then he doesn't know women very well. This is probably why he desperately wants to get married but can't find a woman crazy enough. In one of the comments Brian mentioned something about my boss' "wife." The truth is, he doesn't have a wife because he's just too mean and controlling. No sane woman will go past a first date.
I have heard (but have not yet seen) that boss J. sent an e-mail to a bunch of people about doing evaluations on net control operators, and specifically mentioned me. One of the recipients does not have my e-mail address or phone number, but texted Brad to let him know about it, knowing that he would tell me. I am trying to get a copy of J.'s e-mail. I am also trying to get a copy of Peggy's response to him (she's a lady who works in the Sacramento office) that I have heard was not kind. I'll give an update if I ever get ahold of either e-mail.
That's about it I guess. I still don't have to will to update very often but I will as I am able.
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4849 (20100208) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
Getting to the gym is hit and miss (mostly miss). I don't feel like going when I am depressed, and it requires getting up early and traveling a long way on the bus. I often just don't have the will to crawl out of bed. I am getting exercise, though. I walk a lot of places both for the exercise and the savings on bus fare, and if worse comes to worse I can always pull out the mini trampoline I keep at work and jog on it after boss J. has left for the day.
Work-wise the stress is wearing on me. I'm now allowed online a total of one hour a day. I think boss J. expected me to be grateful or kiss his feet or something. Every day I can't wait for him to leave at his usual time of 7 p.m. He commutes from far away and will often work 14 hours so that he can come in fewer days (good for me!).
Today it looks like I'm stuck here until 3 a.m. The overnight girl, L., is sick again of course none of the part-timers want to work that shift at all, especially on such short notice. So I have to work 12 hours, have Brad take over at 3, and then come back at 3 p.m. tomorrow for my regular shift. Boss J. made it very clear to me that he does not like working the overnight because it is "hard." <sarcasm>Oh, the poor baby wants to be a manager and have all the perks but none of the responsibilities. </sarcasm>
And that's another thing about working under J. I have never had a job before where I had to find my own fill-ins or come in anyway, no matter how bad of shape I'm in. In normal businesses you just call in sick and the manager takes responsibility to find a fill-in, or do it himself. Not under J. He wants us to do his job and find our own fill-ins. This usually results in my working 3 p.m. to 3 a.m., and forces Brad to come in at 3 a.m. and work until 3 p.m., when I come in again.
Bill, the board member, called me on Saturday and said we would have a meeting today with me, Jon, Bill, and Lupe. Brad thought Lupe was a bad idea so I called back and asked for Matthew or Thad, or, if it had to be another woman, Kathleen from downstairs. Bill called me back and said he was trying to set up something with Thad, and that's where it stands now.
I took the paper I wrote and that I gave to Bill, turned it into a letter format, expanded it, and put it in Mr. Camping's box.
I know boss J. is waiting for me to break, but if he thinks I will, then he doesn't know women very well. This is probably why he desperately wants to get married but can't find a woman crazy enough. In one of the comments Brian mentioned something about my boss' "wife." The truth is, he doesn't have a wife because he's just too mean and controlling. No sane woman will go past a first date.
I have heard (but have not yet seen) that boss J. sent an e-mail to a bunch of people about doing evaluations on net control operators, and specifically mentioned me. One of the recipients does not have my e-mail address or phone number, but texted Brad to let him know about it, knowing that he would tell me. I am trying to get a copy of J.'s e-mail. I am also trying to get a copy of Peggy's response to him (she's a lady who works in the Sacramento office) that I have heard was not kind. I'll give an update if I ever get ahold of either e-mail.
That's about it I guess. I still don't have to will to update very often but I will as I am able.
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4849 (20100208) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
Monday, February 01, 2010
guess I haven't updated in a while
Hi all,
As usual my lack of updating isn't a lack of time, but motivation. Depression de-motivates you to do nothing but the necessary tasks to get by.
Boss J. is still a problem and his unfair ban continues to stand. Bill had a talk with him which resulted in nothing more than J. having a talk with me afterwards. I was honest, and he was not happy. When he asked if I trusted him, I said no. This made him mad and he launched into a short tirade about how we can't have communication if I can't trust him, blah, blah, blah. Sorry, J., but trust is earned and you have not earned it.
I tried to talk to Mr. Camping and he did come to see me before the Open Forum program one day last week. However, I don't think he really understood the problem. I took the paper that I wrote for Bill, expanded it and turned it into a letter format, and put it in Mr. Camping's box. I don't know if he will read it or care, but it's my only recourse. In it I spell out exactly what I want - a lift on the ban and someone other than J. to discipline me because I don't feel Jon will be fair. I doubt it will help, but I am going stir crazy back here and I can't take much longer. I'll try to attach my letter to Mr. Camping to this e-mail, but I doubt it will work. It's a Word document, but I don't think my blog allows attachments.
I have regular melt downs and cry, sometimes at work. My most recent was today. I had to take some Xanax to calm me down, but it has a side effect was tiredness, so now I'm calm but I want to do nothing more than sleep.
Bill said there will be a meeting next week. I'm not sure who else will be there besides Bill, J., and me. I do not believe it will solve anything. I am losing hope of things ever getting better.
The stress is taking a toll on Brad and I. We got into a big fight after the Walk For Life on January 23, then got into it again last Thursday when he drove me home from work. The situation is killing both of us since he has to listen to me complain and he doesn't like J. either.
Anyway, I still alive and still depressed. I just want to curl up and die because at least then the pain would go away.
Diet and weight-wise I am not doing good. I got an annual questionnaire from the Weight Control Center. One of the things they ask is you weight one year ago and your weight now. I looked up one year ago and I was about 135. I have been avoiding the scale but had to step on it to complete the questionnaire and now I am 150. I have gained 15 pounds since Thanksgiving - vacation, holidays, my birthday, and, the single biggest contributor, stress at work. I am struggling because I tend to medicate my mental pain and stress with junk food.
Bye all.
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4825 (20100201) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
As usual my lack of updating isn't a lack of time, but motivation. Depression de-motivates you to do nothing but the necessary tasks to get by.
Boss J. is still a problem and his unfair ban continues to stand. Bill had a talk with him which resulted in nothing more than J. having a talk with me afterwards. I was honest, and he was not happy. When he asked if I trusted him, I said no. This made him mad and he launched into a short tirade about how we can't have communication if I can't trust him, blah, blah, blah. Sorry, J., but trust is earned and you have not earned it.
I tried to talk to Mr. Camping and he did come to see me before the Open Forum program one day last week. However, I don't think he really understood the problem. I took the paper that I wrote for Bill, expanded it and turned it into a letter format, and put it in Mr. Camping's box. I don't know if he will read it or care, but it's my only recourse. In it I spell out exactly what I want - a lift on the ban and someone other than J. to discipline me because I don't feel Jon will be fair. I doubt it will help, but I am going stir crazy back here and I can't take much longer. I'll try to attach my letter to Mr. Camping to this e-mail, but I doubt it will work. It's a Word document, but I don't think my blog allows attachments.
I have regular melt downs and cry, sometimes at work. My most recent was today. I had to take some Xanax to calm me down, but it has a side effect was tiredness, so now I'm calm but I want to do nothing more than sleep.
Bill said there will be a meeting next week. I'm not sure who else will be there besides Bill, J., and me. I do not believe it will solve anything. I am losing hope of things ever getting better.
The stress is taking a toll on Brad and I. We got into a big fight after the Walk For Life on January 23, then got into it again last Thursday when he drove me home from work. The situation is killing both of us since he has to listen to me complain and he doesn't like J. either.
Anyway, I still alive and still depressed. I just want to curl up and die because at least then the pain would go away.
Diet and weight-wise I am not doing good. I got an annual questionnaire from the Weight Control Center. One of the things they ask is you weight one year ago and your weight now. I looked up one year ago and I was about 135. I have been avoiding the scale but had to step on it to complete the questionnaire and now I am 150. I have gained 15 pounds since Thanksgiving - vacation, holidays, my birthday, and, the single biggest contributor, stress at work. I am struggling because I tend to medicate my mental pain and stress with junk food.
Bye all.
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4825 (20100201) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
Thursday, January 21, 2010
An interview, and the Walk for Life
Hi everyone. I'm still alive. I treasure your comments and read them via e-mail in my spare moments at home.
Brad was kind enough to share his cold with me so now we are both sick. His cold is now bronchitis and my cold is just a nice healthy cold. Up until today I have been able to do some walking in between rain showers and the fresh air did me some good. Today it has been a steady rain and not only am I feeling worse, but I had to take the bus to work because of the rain.
I haven't been sleeping well. I woke up at 6 am and was unable to get back to sleep.
As for work, I've taken as much time off as I can get with my cold. I got off two hours early on Monday and Tuesday, managed to get Wednesday off, and am working a half shift today. A big thanks to L. and S. for making that time off possible!
As for my boss, things are still in the works. Bill talked with me earlier this week and said he'll talk to boss J. today; we will see if that actually happens and what, of anything, comes from that. I called the Mr. Camping's secretary about setting up a meeting with him. It is clear to me that Bill can not do what needs to be done so I have to go straight to the top. There is no higher authority within Family Radio than Mr. Camping.
Tuesday afternoon I was interviewed by Michael Finney of the local ABC Channel 7 news. He does the "7 on your side" consumer advocacy. I received a Facebook message from him and we set up the interview. It was about the Snuggies scam I fell prey to a year ago. I asked him how he found me and he said it was through what I had written here on my blog. He couldn't find a way to contact me on the blog, but finally tracked me down on Facebook. I think the interview went okay and the segment should air sometime next week. :)
The Walk for Life is this Saturday and Brad and I are planning to go. I hope I feel better by then. This will be our third time attending. I have no way to posting links without Internet access at work, but just do a Google search on "Walk for Life West Coast," and you'll see what it's all about. It's held every January on the Saturday closest to the Roe v. Wade anniversary, which means cold, drizzly weather is just about guaranteed.
So yeah, I'm still alive, just depressed and sick at the moment. I think the stress at work is what made me sick because I have been healthy and have avoided every illness this winter - until boss J. went on his latest rampage.
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4795 (20100121) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
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Brad was kind enough to share his cold with me so now we are both sick. His cold is now bronchitis and my cold is just a nice healthy cold. Up until today I have been able to do some walking in between rain showers and the fresh air did me some good. Today it has been a steady rain and not only am I feeling worse, but I had to take the bus to work because of the rain.
I haven't been sleeping well. I woke up at 6 am and was unable to get back to sleep.
As for work, I've taken as much time off as I can get with my cold. I got off two hours early on Monday and Tuesday, managed to get Wednesday off, and am working a half shift today. A big thanks to L. and S. for making that time off possible!
As for my boss, things are still in the works. Bill talked with me earlier this week and said he'll talk to boss J. today; we will see if that actually happens and what, of anything, comes from that. I called the Mr. Camping's secretary about setting up a meeting with him. It is clear to me that Bill can not do what needs to be done so I have to go straight to the top. There is no higher authority within Family Radio than Mr. Camping.
Tuesday afternoon I was interviewed by Michael Finney of the local ABC Channel 7 news. He does the "7 on your side" consumer advocacy. I received a Facebook message from him and we set up the interview. It was about the Snuggies scam I fell prey to a year ago. I asked him how he found me and he said it was through what I had written here on my blog. He couldn't find a way to contact me on the blog, but finally tracked me down on Facebook. I think the interview went okay and the segment should air sometime next week. :)
The Walk for Life is this Saturday and Brad and I are planning to go. I hope I feel better by then. This will be our third time attending. I have no way to posting links without Internet access at work, but just do a Google search on "Walk for Life West Coast," and you'll see what it's all about. It's held every January on the Saturday closest to the Roe v. Wade anniversary, which means cold, drizzly weather is just about guaranteed.
So yeah, I'm still alive, just depressed and sick at the moment. I think the stress at work is what made me sick because I have been healthy and have avoided every illness this winter - until boss J. went on his latest rampage.
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4795 (20100121) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Profoundly depressed
I am alive, but barely functioning. I am still locked in this room 40 hours a week with no contact with the outside world aside from making or receiving the occasional work-related call. This is no better than solitary confinement in prison except that I get to go home each night and sleep in my own bed. I am not doing well. I just want to curl up and die. I have a meltdown at least once a week where I cry uncontrollably, sometimes in public places.
Somehow I've dragged myself out of bed each morning and done what I have to, though I skip Wednesday's gym session to sleep in.
My birthday was good. Brad and I visited the Winchester House and the Egyptian museum. I ate lots of bad foods. :) Aside from that bright spot of taking a day off work though, life has sucked pretty bad. The meeting between Bill, boss J., Brad, and I of course never materialized. Even if it ever does, I doubt it will fix things. Boss J. is one of those people who claim to be Christian, but when you talk to him it's all about him - I want this, I think that. It's all about "I" and never about God. That is the person in control of my life 40 hours a week.
I love my job - I really do. If boss J. were gone everything would be peachy again. How can I work under a boss who doesn't even pretend to like me anymore? He treats me with disdain.
Not much more to say. Too depressed to care. Today I forgot my computer power cord so I can't even use my laptop because the battery doesn't last very long. Brad is too busy to bring me the cord so I have nothing to do today but stare at a wall.
I'll try to check in as energy allows. I just haven't felt up to writing entries lately.
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4772 (20100114) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
Somehow I've dragged myself out of bed each morning and done what I have to, though I skip Wednesday's gym session to sleep in.
My birthday was good. Brad and I visited the Winchester House and the Egyptian museum. I ate lots of bad foods. :) Aside from that bright spot of taking a day off work though, life has sucked pretty bad. The meeting between Bill, boss J., Brad, and I of course never materialized. Even if it ever does, I doubt it will fix things. Boss J. is one of those people who claim to be Christian, but when you talk to him it's all about him - I want this, I think that. It's all about "I" and never about God. That is the person in control of my life 40 hours a week.
I love my job - I really do. If boss J. were gone everything would be peachy again. How can I work under a boss who doesn't even pretend to like me anymore? He treats me with disdain.
Not much more to say. Too depressed to care. Today I forgot my computer power cord so I can't even use my laptop because the battery doesn't last very long. Brad is too busy to bring me the cord so I have nothing to do today but stare at a wall.
I'll try to check in as energy allows. I just haven't felt up to writing entries lately.
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4772 (20100114) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
Thursday, January 07, 2010
First week of 2010 - crap city
I'm in a dark mood. I've decided to dress in black at work for the
foreseeable future. Outside of work I can wear whatever, but at work my
clothes should reflect the mourning I feel for this department under
boss J's rule. I stopped at WalMart on my way to work and bought black
shirts and jeans. It cost about $66 (lol!). My hair is already black
and I own two black head coverings. Yesterday I pulled out my black
nail polish and painted my nails black.
foreseeable future. Outside of work I can wear whatever, but at work my
clothes should reflect the mourning I feel for this department under
boss J's rule. I stopped at WalMart on my way to work and bought black
shirts and jeans. It cost about $66 (lol!). My hair is already black
and I own two black head coverings. Yesterday I pulled out my black
nail polish and painted my nails black.
Thankfully, boss J. is not at work today. He's a huge source of stress
and I'm a stress eater. Under stress I binge. I am praying for him,
myself, and (as always) my family.
After getting bit (twice!) last week by what I assume were spiders in my
bedding, I stripped the bed earlier this week. Today I stripped it
again and washed the comforter, sheets, pillow cases, inner pillow
cases, cat blankets, and even the mattress pad - in addition to my
normal wash. It took two double load washers (one just for the
comforter) and one triple load, plus two driers (again, one was just for
the comforter). I used bleach in two of the washes. I don't use bleach
for the colored or dark clothes, but did use it on the comforter (to
kill anything) and washing the whites. I got up a half hour early to
give myself enough time. I forgot my coffee so I stopped at the snack
shop at the laundromat and bought coffee there.
My exercise was plenty of walking. I think these new fitness shoes do
give me more of a workout. My abs were hurting slightly while walking
because of my ab workout yesterday. Legs, abs, butt - it just seems to
take more energy walking in these shoes. :) I walked to the laundromat
and back with my cart piled high. Then I walked down to the train
station, stopping at the bank to deposit the check I got yesterday from
my Family Radio "savings account." I walked from the train to work with
the stop at WalMart on the way. I'll try to explain the "savings
account" thing next week.
I'm a little worried about Xena, my gray tabby. She has the "crummies."
Brad came home yesterday to find puke on the floor. We didn't know which
cat did it at first. Then I fed them last night and Xena threw it up.
I fed them again this morning, and Xena threw it up again. She's not
showing any other signs of sickness, but throwing up three times (so
far) is not good. Xena is a skinny little thing and can't be missing
meals. I don't want to take her to the vet because I simply can't
afford it, but I will if I have to. The last time I tried to call the
vet (to get flea stuff) the number was disconnected. Brad and I need to
take a drive past and see if they are still in business or if I need to
find a new vet. :-p
Tomorrow is grocery shopping. I need to go to my Safeway because the one
in Alameda doesn't carry wheat gluten. I also need to find a beauty
store and look for black lipstick. There is one store by my house, plus
one at Southshore in Alameda.
Saturday is church and in the evening Brad and I will go to Costco for
salad. I'll have dinner there.
Sunday it's back to work for me, but Brad and I have Monday off because
it's my birthday. We're going to San Jose. When I cashed my "saving
account" check today I took out money for the trip. I'll give Brad some
gas money too. My birthday gift will be dinner at Sizzler. My birthday
is the last off plan day of the holidays for me. With my birthday so
near to Christmas, my birthday presents were always put under the
Christmas tree, and the tree stayed up until my birthday.
Comments left here are automatically e-mailed to me. I'm trying to
check my e-mail from home, and in any spare moments before my shift, so
I do see them and thank you for them.
Damn - spider bites, major washing, a bad boss, no Internet access from
work, a sick cat, and my vet is out of business. What a crappy start to
2010.
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4752 (20100107) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Crap at work
I'm not going to log food stuff anymore. It's too hard without decent computer access and html code doesn't post right so I can't make a link anyway.
The crap at work is still getting me down. I haven't wanted to do anything except curl up and die. Boss J. either has no idea how disruptive he is to this department, or he doesn't care. And just today he sent out an e-mail saying he was going to become more involved in this department - i.e. he's going to become even more controlling - and that we better know our jobs completely and totally and follow everything he and the SOP books say. Crap and double crap.
I can only think of one other boss I had that was this controlling. That was a woman, a mid-level manager at McDonald's. Brad thinks boss J. is insecure, that insecure people try to make up for it by controlling others. I think he may be right. I'm truly beginning to wonder if J. really is saved and if he might be truly evil rather than just inept. We both know he's a very unstable person and wonder what mental issues he might have.
Diet-wise I'm struggling big time. I'm a stress eater and the stress of working under someone who hates you both personally and professionally is oppressive. Yesterday I ended up crying at work and self-medicating with carbs. I took 4 Xanax tablets to make myself stop crying.
Today I worked out at the gym - 30 minutes of weight training and 1 hour of cardio on one of the new ellipticals. I walked to work from the train station.
You can tell it's January - lots of new faces at the gym and it's harder to get equipment and machines. I can't wait until the crowd dies down. New Year's resolutioners...blech. Leave the gym for those of us who want to pay for the privilege of going.
I'm liking my new fitness shoes. They are comfortable and do throw you off balance so your muscles have to work harder to compensate. I'm working on getting a photo of them on Flickr. With limited online time I am not just getting to bed later than usual, but falling behind on basic tasks such as uploading photos to Flickr.
Between work and my weight I've been feeling really down lately. Without a doubt I'd be suicidal if it weren't for my anti-depressant. So instead of suffering and wanting to die, I just plain suffer.
I know God is all-powerful, but when will He step in and fix this intolerable situation?
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4749 (20100106) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
The crap at work is still getting me down. I haven't wanted to do anything except curl up and die. Boss J. either has no idea how disruptive he is to this department, or he doesn't care. And just today he sent out an e-mail saying he was going to become more involved in this department - i.e. he's going to become even more controlling - and that we better know our jobs completely and totally and follow everything he and the SOP books say. Crap and double crap.
I can only think of one other boss I had that was this controlling. That was a woman, a mid-level manager at McDonald's. Brad thinks boss J. is insecure, that insecure people try to make up for it by controlling others. I think he may be right. I'm truly beginning to wonder if J. really is saved and if he might be truly evil rather than just inept. We both know he's a very unstable person and wonder what mental issues he might have.
Diet-wise I'm struggling big time. I'm a stress eater and the stress of working under someone who hates you both personally and professionally is oppressive. Yesterday I ended up crying at work and self-medicating with carbs. I took 4 Xanax tablets to make myself stop crying.
Today I worked out at the gym - 30 minutes of weight training and 1 hour of cardio on one of the new ellipticals. I walked to work from the train station.
You can tell it's January - lots of new faces at the gym and it's harder to get equipment and machines. I can't wait until the crowd dies down. New Year's resolutioners...blech. Leave the gym for those of us who want to pay for the privilege of going.
I'm liking my new fitness shoes. They are comfortable and do throw you off balance so your muscles have to work harder to compensate. I'm working on getting a photo of them on Flickr. With limited online time I am not just getting to bed later than usual, but falling behind on basic tasks such as uploading photos to Flickr.
Between work and my weight I've been feeling really down lately. Without a doubt I'd be suicidal if it weren't for my anti-depressant. So instead of suffering and wanting to die, I just plain suffer.
I know God is all-powerful, but when will He step in and fix this intolerable situation?
__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus signature database 4749 (20100106) __________
The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
http://www.eset.com
Monday, January 04, 2010
Banned to the Bone, Day 2
Calories eaten yesterday: 944
Fat: 17g (18%)
Carbs: 70g (34%)
Protein: 104g (48%)
Calories burned in exercise yesterday: 406
(Yes, it is now calories burned yesterday instead of "today" since I
can't update today's workout until I get home late at night.)
Fat: 17g (18%)
Carbs: 70g (34%)
Protein: 104g (48%)
Calories burned in exercise yesterday: 406
(Yes, it is now calories burned yesterday instead of "today" since I
can't update today's workout until I get home late at night.)
I'm not allowed on the Internet at work, so I am posting this by
e-mail. I simply don't have time to write and post entries from home
since I only come home to sleep and then am gone again. The ban started
midnight on New Year's Eve, but yesterday was my first day back at work
so I count that as day 1 and today is day 2. I'm going to keep track so
I can later show how unfair boss J. is.
For those of you wondering, yes, I am the only one banned. Everyone else
here, both in my department and company-wide, are free to use the
Internet. Boss J. hates me and wants me to quit, so he is banning me
only. And no, there is no boss over him. That's why I had to talk to
the guy on the board of directors (for all the good it did).
The holidays were good. Brad and I spent New Year's Eve together after
we got off work. I worked until 9, then Brad took me home and worked
for me until 10, when the overnight girl, S., was coming in, working L's
usual shift. I was totally off plan all day and ate really, really
horribly (sugar and more sugar), culminating with wine and pizza for
dinner, and finally champagne and brie at midnight.
I am working on getting the Flickr photos up, but I am really behind,
partly due to the Internet ban. I'm glad to report that at least on New
Year's Day I ate healthy and light. I was off plan Saturday, but am back
on plan now, and will be until my birthday next week. Once my birthday
is over I can really get down to business.
Yesterday Brad and I went hiking and we brought my mini trampoline to
work so I can pass the time working out. I jogged for 50 minutes on it
yesterday.
Boss J. is back from his vacation now so I am now back to walking a
tightrope around him. I long for 7 pm when he usually leaves.
Today I went to the gym. In the locker room I overheard two women
chatting about those new fitness shoes that are all the rage right now.
I have wanted a pair since they first came out. One woman had a pair
and said she got them from the Sears near the gym on sale last week. I
cut my cardio session short and ran over to Sears. They were picked
clean and didn't have any 8 1/2s. I thought about buying the 8s, but
they were a bit small. A saleslady walked by and I asked her about
other sizes. She checked online, but there were none at the warehouse.
Then she called the Hayward store and they did have a pair of 8 1/2s.
She had them set aside for me and Brad picked them up this afternoon.
They were even the pink color I like best. :) I haven't seen them yet,
but they will be waiting for me when I get home.
I'm psyched! I have wanted a pair of fitness shoes since they first came
out, but everything I've found is $100 a pair. Sears had the Dr.
Sholl's brand for $70 regular price and currently on sale for $60! :)
Too good to pass up. Tomorrow I'll let you know how they work out.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
2010 book list
Die, My Love by Katheryn Casey
101 Question Your Cat Would Ask Your Vet by Bruce Fogle
A Perfect Husband by Aphrodite Jones
First We’ll Kill My Husband by Lynn Riddle
The Pastor’s Wife by Diane Fanning
A Decent Into Hell by Katheryn Casey
Gone Forever by Diane Fanning
The Prom Night Murders by Carlton Smith
Through the Window by Diane Fanning
Red Zone by Aphrodite Jones
Under the Knife by Diane Fanning
In the Arms of Evil by Carlton Smith
By Their Father's Hand by Monte Francis
Playing with Fire by John Grott
The Darkest Night by Ron Franscell
Beyond Cruel by Steven G. Michaud
Small Sacrifices by Ann Rule
A Beautiful Child by Matt Birbeck
Love Me or I'll Kill You by Lee Butcher
Shattered by Katheryn Casey
Because You Loved Me by M. William Phelps
Lethal Embrace by Robert Mladinich & Michael Benson
Deadly Secrets by M. William Phelps
Perfect Beauty by Keith Elliot Greenberg and Detective Vincent Felber
The Potter's Freedom by Dr. James White
Note: I tried to read Dr. Norman Geisler's Chosen But Free, but it was so poorly written that it was a struggle just a skim most of the book.
The Officer's Wife by Michael Fleeman
Debating Calvinism by Dave Hunt and Dr. James White
God Chose To Save by Joseph M. Bianchi
Drawn by the Father by Dr. James White
The Five Points of Calvinism by David Steele, Curtis Thomas, and S. Lance Quinn
101 Question Your Cat Would Ask Your Vet by Bruce Fogle
A Perfect Husband by Aphrodite Jones
First We’ll Kill My Husband by Lynn Riddle
The Pastor’s Wife by Diane Fanning
A Decent Into Hell by Katheryn Casey
Gone Forever by Diane Fanning
The Prom Night Murders by Carlton Smith
Through the Window by Diane Fanning
Red Zone by Aphrodite Jones
Under the Knife by Diane Fanning
In the Arms of Evil by Carlton Smith
By Their Father's Hand by Monte Francis
Playing with Fire by John Grott
The Darkest Night by Ron Franscell
Beyond Cruel by Steven G. Michaud
Small Sacrifices by Ann Rule
A Beautiful Child by Matt Birbeck
Love Me or I'll Kill You by Lee Butcher
Shattered by Katheryn Casey
Because You Loved Me by M. William Phelps
Lethal Embrace by Robert Mladinich & Michael Benson
Deadly Secrets by M. William Phelps
Perfect Beauty by Keith Elliot Greenberg and Detective Vincent Felber
The Potter's Freedom by Dr. James White
Note: I tried to read Dr. Norman Geisler's Chosen But Free, but it was so poorly written that it was a struggle just a skim most of the book.
The Officer's Wife by Michael Fleeman
Debating Calvinism by Dave Hunt and Dr. James White
God Chose To Save by Joseph M. Bianchi
Drawn by the Father by Dr. James White
The Five Points of Calvinism by David Steele, Curtis Thomas, and S. Lance Quinn
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