"You are in a very dangerous place spiritually." Thus sayeth the Rev. Fred Harrell, pastor of City Church in San Francisco, my Sunday church of choice. I had gone up to talk to him about how I'm doing better and everything. He's been gone 3 months and I haven't talked to him about ExWitch since our quick conversation in January.
He already knew a little, hence his comment to me before I could say very much. He didn't know all that has happened since August since I didn't submit a praise report that I am finally getting through this. He only knew of the problem.
Turns out that every time a prayer request is submitted, he gets a copy, too, to also pray for what people need. I've submitted my request more than once, so unbeknownst to me, he knew a little. I never mentioned ExWitch in those requests or in our conversation today. He just knew that I felt I'd been wronged and was struggling with forgiveness.
I did tell him that I was doing so much better, filled him in a little bit on what I've been through with the goddess, how the pastor at my home church was Christ to me when I needed it, how Brian had explained forgiveness to me, but I didn't truly understand until I got to that place myself, and so on.
I love City Church because God is really there. I walked out feeling happy not just from the service and chatting with Pastor Harrell, but also in my recognition of the forgiveness that I am coming to believe has already taken place. I feel happy, free, peaceful.
I could have cried during communion. I have messed up in so many ways these last several months - everything from arguing with people who don't want to listen to my side of the story, to allowing the goddess to stay when she showed up instead of telling her to beat it. I made one bad decision after another, making the bad situation I was placed in that much worse and more complicated.
Jesus died for all of that! So that I could be set free, justified, accepted. More than just tolerated, to be made a daughter to sit at the table.
The wine was bitter going down, a fitting taste to remember what Jesus suffered. I don't know what Presbyterians teach on communion, but Baptists teach it is just a symbol, and I believe that - in part. There is nothing magical about the elements, yet there is something more there than just bread and wine. I thirst for communion because I never fail to find grace there.
A line in one of the songs we sang today leapt out at me - the story of my life right there in the bulletin. "Our Great God" by Mac Powell and Fernando Ortega: Our cold and ruthless enemy, his pleasure is our harm; rise up, O Lord, and he will flee before our sovereign God.
It reminded me how SHE wanted me back so much in those early weeks, yet has to flee when I finally called on God to help me. I no longer have any doubt about who's more powerful! She always shows up when I'm at my weakest and speaks what I want to hear.
She offered me revenge on those who hurt me. Yet my best interests are not what motivate her, because I also remember what she said to Brian when he was kicked out, offering revenge of those of us still at EW, including me. So basically she tried to hurt me through Brian, then has the gall to show up and make the same offer to me. Pisses me off, it does.
Now that the sun is out, I am almost grateful for everything that happened. I am wiser, with a stronger faith. I realize that being a mod at any forum is not forever, and when things start to feel funny, it's time to pray and ask God what to do. If I would have done this with EW, I might have saved myself a lot of pain. Instead, I pushed aside and tried to forget all the warning signs.
I did ask God about staying at the C&C Listserve, and I felt that I should stay. After messing with my e-mail settings a bit, I finally succeeded in blocking the two offenders there. That helps a lot, but it's no help when someone else sends something to the list that quotes them.
It is God's challenge to me - to remind myself that I have forgiven no matter how many times I may have to see messages from them. The feelings are still there, and I have to take a deep breath and tell myself that I've forgiven and they are God's problem. Often I have to do this several times a day. I have to remind myself that God can't do anything until I let go.
Father, You are good. Thank You for teaching me these lessons, painful as they were. Thank You for never leaving or forsaking me, even though I nearly left You. Thank You for rescuing me from going back. Thank You for forgiving me for all the mistakes I have made through this whole mess; there have been way too many, and yet You love and accept me as a beloved daughter. I have made bad decision after bad decision, yet You love me anyway, call me to repentance, and Your table. Thank You for the bitter wine to remind me of Jesus' pain on my behalf.
I love You, Father. Thank You for being You.
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