Women of Faith

This will probably be long, so get some hot cocoa before reading on.

Ready? Good.

Ok, this was a really weird weekend and I shouldn't have gone. The only thing I learned is that the roller coaster my life has been this year has left me emotionally fragile. Things that before would just be highly frustrating have left me reduced to tears.

Thursday morning I left at 4 a.m. with a group of other people for Anaheim for the Women of Faith conference. I had not slept at all the night before due to working late. I got a little sleep in the car on the way down, but not enough. I was the only white girl in a group of 10 women; all the rest were black and I felt out of place.

We stopped for breakfast on our way down, and arrived in the Anaheim area in the early afternoon. We went to some mall as we couldn't check into the hotel yet, and had lunch there. I was an hour late showing up at the designated meeting spot. The others in my car (3 other women) were understandably upset. :( Two of the three women I knew from my church. The other I had never met before. The four of us also shared the hotel room.

Went to bed early, and we got up about 8 a.m. Friday. They were going shopping; I stayed at the hotel and used the gym, swam in the pool, and relaxed in the hot tub and just sunning myself. Friday night the conference started and we went. The conference theme this year was "Irrepressible Hope." We were HIGH up in the stadium, with rows so steep that when I stood up I felt I would topple over and down. :-p

Sheila Walsh made an impression on me as she has also struggled with depression and has to take anti-depressants to this day. It helped me not feel so alone and I am glad she shared this story.

Saturday morning I got up and found my bank account overdrawn so my check card was no longer good and I had limited cash in my wallet. One of the women I roomed with, Norma, who also goes to my church, gave me $20. I felt so bad that we get all the way down there and I couldn't even pay my own way. :( Being so overdrawn stressed me out and set the tone for the rest of the day.

The conference went all day Saturday, starting at 9 a.m. and ending around 5 p.m. I ate very little due to the lack of money and was hungry for most of the day. This, combined with not enough sleep and all the stress, left me emotionally fragile. Calling my Dad on our lunch break didn't help either.

The only speaker that stood out to me that morning was Patsy Clairmont. She spoke about Elijah fleeing Jezebel after a great victory and crying out to God, "It is enough," and asking to die. I am so at that place now. I have come down from the initial high of forgiveness and have crashed back to earth. I feel overwhelmed and that my life is not in my control. I cried a little during the lunch break and told God, "It is enough!" I can't take anymore. The following is what I wrote, most of it during the lunch break. I know I am depressed when I start writing. It is the only way I know to deal with my feelings. I've edited slightly to add some words to clarify thoughts that might not otherwise make sense.

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I want to go back into time out. I know I said I'd do anything to get out, anything to stop sitting around useless and finally DO something. But there is only sorrow and fear here. I hear the speakers talk about their struggles and they still praise God. But they do not inspire me. They make me fear. [Note: Because I know many of their struggles lie ahead for me.]

I feel like Elijah running from Jezebel. I have worked so hard to forgive, and stood on that mountaintop praising, high on God. And then You let me out of time out, shoved me back to the real world. I thought I wanted this, but I don't. I don't care if I'm useless; I just want to be safe again. Why won't You let me be safe?

There is a song that says, "If you have a choice to sit it out or dance..." I'd like to sit it out.

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Before sharing my second journal entry, I'd like to share with you my notes from Conference. I didn't take many because all the speakers told stories about their lives and walks of faith, but didn't really dig into the Scriptures. So all I have are the things that stuck out most. Some are quotes, and some are my words. I try to make the quotes clear, but some I am not sure are quotes or not, so I just took my best guess.

9/10/04 (only one thought)

God loves me in the days I got it right, and in the days I got it all wrong.

9/11/04

Waiting is not doing nothing. Waiting is surrendering and trusting when there's nothing you can do." --Nicole Johnson

"When thing are not going well, we tend to lose our hope...When God sees us we have a reason for hope, and God always sees us." --Marilyn Meberg

Marilyn also talked about how God will bring beauty from the ashes of our lives.

I nearly lost my faith this year, but [note: thanks to God] I am still a Woman of Faith.

[Note: See Matthew 12:9-14.] "It is the stretching (of the withered man's hand) that separates fear from faith...What is withered in your life that needs to be made whole? Stretch out your hand to the One who stretched out His hand for you." --Nicole Johnson

"God asks for our trust. He is worthy of our trust." --Luci Swindoll

"We are responsible for us. We are not responsible for the other person." --Luci Swindoll

Keep short accounts. Forgive. Carrying a grudge makes us shrivel up.

"Reach out that withered hand, that withered heart." --Luci Swindoll

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At the end of the conference Sheila Walsh told us to think of each of the speakers giving us a gift to use as we go back to our lives and homes:

1) (from Sheila) a sword - Dig into the Word.

2) (from Patsy) a broom - Do you feel swept away by life's circumstances, like telling God "It is enough"? God didn't tell Elijah all He'd done for him. God let him rest and eat and regain his strength because the journey ahead was too much for him.

3) (from Thelma) a bumble bee - There is no scientific reason these things can fly, yet they do. What do we think we can't do?

4) (from Nicole) a cell phone - What do we fear? Are we just waiting for a disastrous phone call? In that place of fear stands the risen Christ.

5) (from Marilyn) a mirror - God, do you see me? Nothing bad that has happened is lost or wasted. God is a redeeming God. He can redeem our hurts. El Roy - "the God who sees."

6) (from Luci) a key - Are we "stuck" anywhere? We can only change ourselves. God will give us the key to open our own prison doors.

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I know - sounds pretty impressive, like a good conference. Yet here is what I wrote in my journal today (Sunday). Again, I have edited slightly to clarify things:
I come to find out that the hotel room wasn't included in this little vacation. It would have been nice to know that before. Seeing as how my bank account is way overdrawn, it will take me forever to pay this back. Now I know that this was not a gift, but an unfortunate happenstance.

I got a new cell phone (and contract) Thursday, but can I afford it? I can really use a new phone. The current one is old and does strange things sometimes, like shut off for no reason, or not ring (when the ringer is on) and just go directly to voice mail. I've had it since January of 2002; it's just old.

I can get out of my immediate financial problems by cashing in vacation time. I have enough coming because I don't take much.

It has been such en emotional weekend. The only thing I learned is that I'm emotionally fragile at the moment. It's been a year of low lows and high highs. I just can't take it anymore. The sheer extremes get to me. I was down when booted from EW, up when I got to that sacred space of forgiveness, and down when that high ended. Lord, it is enough (1 Kings 19:4)!