Catholic Young Adult Conference

Went to the Catholic Young Adult Conference today. It was weird because I was so acutely aware of my outsider status. I tried to believe that the invisible wall wasn't there, tried to fit in, tried. But then came Mass at the end of the conference, and the Eucharist - communion.

Now I know that non-Catholics can't take communion, but it had been a good day around liberal people, right? So I asked Paul (my ride) if I had to be Catholic. He said yes, but that I could get a blessing (which I did).

With his yes you must be Catholic answer, the invisible wall I had been trying to ignore all day came into a focused, tangible reality. And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I got my blessing and sat back down. What I should have done is head outside. No one would have noticed my departure, and I hardly would have been missed. Instead, I sat with my head in my arms so no one would see the tears forming in my eyes. It was as if someone had slammed a door in my face. I had just been told it was us vs. them, me being the "them." I was inextricably, hands-down, on the outside. And it bit. To go to the conference all day and then have this happen was more than I could bear. I never would have been denied communion in a Protestant church.

It hurt because to deny me communion is to relegate me to outsider status, out of the community. It really made me notice how different I was. And it hurt - bad.

Mass ended a few minutes later, during which I tried to compose myself, and Paul motioned to me. My frustration was near the surface, and I let just a little off. But I said much less than I would say to some, because I don't know Paul, and can't open up to him. I stood out in the night with him, little talk on either side. Not only had I been dissed, but now I was embarrassed, too.