More on searching for God

Friday I climbed to the top of the student center at the very top of the concrete stairs. It was windy and threatening to rain (again). I yelled at God for a while and I know He was listening, but the only response I got was that it started to rain and the wind kept howling.

Last night I called Charles and we talked for about two hours. In the incident with the Satanist guy he saw the same symbology as me - evil moving toward me.

There were a lot of little coincidences last week. Coming home from work on the bus Friday night a Mormon guy was sitting next to me. He didn't bother me, though. I had my eyes closed and was working on the Jesus/Goddess/me/door visualization. I had briefly tried to earlier in the day and I seemed to be able to take the hand {that Jesus} offered, so I decided to further explore it on the way home. I could take the hand, but I had a hard time visualizing walking through the door. I finally did, but I don't think I'm ready to do that in real life yet. I have taken the hand, though.

Charles has been talking on e-mail about being honest with God and telling Him how I feel toward Him. I did that a little on Friday. Last night I went out on the back porch and talked with Him a few minutes, but I realized later I had been entirely too civil. The anger was still very much inside of me. So I sat in the dark and berated Him for a while for all the upheaval and such He's causing in my life. I felt a little better for finally telling God my feelings, although of course He already knows.

So even though last week was a rest compared to the two weeks before, little things happened all week, and I kept thinking about God and such. So I suppose I'm back to looking again.

Charles said that since I've been searching for God, I'm being rewarded by experiencing Him, such as at the concert. Some reward! He turns my life upside down and scares me by asking me to follow Him into the unknown.

I also told God last night that although I wasn't willing to trust or follow Him, I was willing to become willing to trust and follow Him at least a little way. I think I may be willing to trust Him a little. I have to start somewhere. I don't really trust Him right now. I don't love Him. I'm not sure if I like Him. But He loves me. This may be enough to start with. If it isn't, then at least the yearning He's put in my heart should be. I can't run; I can't close the door. There will always be a voice in my head, and the door will always be cracked.