Good Friday thoughts

Good Friday

Got home from Full Moon and H.& R.'s about 12:45 a.m. Then I overslept this morning again, by about an hour, waking up around 10.

So why am I trying to push Jehovah away? Am I trying to prove something? Am I truing to be better than God? Am I trying to punish God for leading/pulling me in the direction of Christianity, a leading/pulling that I have no control over? Perhaps. At least when I have my heels dug in I am taking control. Perhaps I am testing God, too, taunting Him, taking advantage of His love. My rebelliousness does have a certain allure - rebelling against God Himself. So far I'm holding my own, but the feeling of the need to search had not gone away.

So far the "coincidences" that are "supposed to get me on track" have been small. Today I saw a commercial for the Book of Mormon on T.V. A song, a commercial on the radio - these are small things. He better hit me with a metaphorical 2x4, or I won't come.

I hate Him, and I hate how He calls me. My rebelliousness feels good, and gives me a sense of power, even though I know it's wrong. If I can keep my anger against Him up for long enough, and continually remind myself of His vindictiveness. He might eventually stop bugging me. Right now He seems to be softening my heart toward Him, and I can't let that happen. If I can get myself to stop thinking about it so much, I will win. To that end, I am skipping Good Friday services at church this evening.

But then last Saturday comes to mind, and I find it hard to be angry at such a loving presence as I felt that night. My resolve wavers, and I find myself wavering between hate and love. Caught in the middle, I want to cry. Cry in the wrongness of my hate and sin, cry in the love He has for me - the very love I am abusing right now, cry to release the tension that is always around me.

But I hate Him, or am trying to. I am trying to hate this incredibly loving Being. It's hard. All I want is to pick up my Bible and start reading and thinking and studying. I find it difficult not to do so.

I guess I want to see if I can "force God's hand," make God do something He wouldn't normally do. I want to make Him come to get me; by running away I hope to make Him do that. He may not do anything precisely because He knows I'm trying to force Him to. It is not wise to try to force God to do something.

There is now more at stake than just me changing. There is now my pride at stake as well, and to see how long I can stay away. And a test of my strength vs. God's.

And yet there is this intense feeling that the answer has already been decided. Like no matter what I do, I will have to go to Jehovah.

Channel surfing tonight I happened upon a Jesus program, but it was on the Spanish channel so I couldn't understand it. Of course, it could be coincidence. It is Easter weekend.