Communion

Easter

The pull is back a little today between the Forum (X-tianity covered among other things) and reconsidering last night's beautiful service. The pageantry of everything last night had a distinctly Pagan flavor to it, and in many ways made me feel at home, especially in retrospect.

After church today there is a communion service in the chapel. I feel a strong need to check it out, though not necessarily participate. And yet, here I am trying very hard not to talk to Jehovah, and I find myself seriously thinking about taking communion. What is happening?

I still hate the Christian God - I think - yet there is a softening taking place within the hate. And what's this? My typo above - I began to write, "I still have the Christian God" instead of "I still hate the Christian God," even though I was thinking "hate."

This struggling with God, this hand-to-hand combat, do I really think I can win?

Later...I took communion. They left all reference to Jesus out of it, but I thought of it a little as I dunked the bread in the wine and ate it. I felt compelled to take communion. I don't remember the last time I took communion, but it has been several years.

What is happening to me I don't know, but I do not think my rebellion this past week can stand up to communion. I only took it because it was Easter. If it wasn't, I could have walked away. But I cannot stand up to the biggest Christian holy day of the year without investigating further. And so I struggled with God and my own curiosity, and lost, and took communion.

I crossed a line today, and there is no going back from here. God opened the door and pushed me toward it - that door of letting go of a Wiccan-only based idea about the world, and investigating where Christianity fits - and I in my fear dug my heels in. But God didn't give up, or maybe my own curiosity kept bugging me, or maybe both, but the softening of my heart even as I tried to hate Him, occurred anyway. I had a choice, yes - we always have a choice - but it was a clear choice.

So I've picked up the phone to stop the incessant ringing (it was really bugging me). Now what? What to where I was a week ago? Yes, but with a new focus and purpose. Everything's changed, and nothing. Anyway, this is not a commitment to Christianity; this is a commitment to seek the truth in Christianity. What happens from here, happens.

Okay, Lord, you've got my ear. I'm willing to listen. You better make this good.

I'm afraid, so very afraid of what what I will find and what might happen. But I have to try. It would do no good to ignore it anyway. Haven't I been studying some of the issues already, in my studies of Christianity and reading the New Testament? Buying a concordance; hanging out on soc.religion.christian?

I have to trust that God knows what He's doing in my life, that there a purpose and reason. I have to trust that God will do the best thing for me and lead me where I should go.

Later...I could have sworn when I prayed tonight that I could feel the presence of God in the room, ever so slight, but ever so there. I was heard tonight.