Coincidences

Prayed to Jehovah again tonight, asking Him to show me the way, walk with me down it, tell me what to do to serve Him, and tell me how to get to know Him. Like last night, most of the prayer was done with my head unbowed, and arms slightly raised, hands slightly in front of me, palms upturned. A great deal like an invoking posture actually, except I was sitting, knees bent under me. Some cultural conditioning does kick in, though. Kneeling next to my bed seems the "right" thing and feels okay, rather than kneeling in front of my altar as I do for the Goddess.

As like last night, my upturned palms tingled when I prayed. Why, I don't know. Am I sending out energy in my great need? (Very likely.) Feeling God around me? (Less likely.) Receiving energy? (Downright unlikely.) The tingling palms added a magickal dimension to these two prayers that wouldn't have been there otherwise.

Like yesterday's prayer, I felt Him listening.

Carlos gave me Thursday work detail, but didn't tell me what job. It won't be my usual beverages, as Dan does beverages every day but Wednesday when I do them. I hope he doesn't put me on salad bar. (God forbid!) Line serving I might be able to deal with. So now I will be working two days a week.

The name Paul seems to be cropping up in my life lately. The guy who took me to the concert that started this whole thing is Paul. Charles' Sikh friend's name is Paul, his self-proclaimed heathen friend's name is (I think) Paul, and the guy at church some weeks ago who seemed sympathetic to me is named Paul. While we're at it, the name of our school library in something like the J. Paul Leonard Library. It does not escape me that Paul is one of the major figures of early Christianity, and is known to have written several New Testament books, even though some of the book attributed to him were written by others who put his name on it. Still, he was a major mover and shaker of the early Church. Is it not strange that Paul is now cropping up? Hmmm. Makes one wonder...

There are times - quiet moments of aloneness, or the experience of friendship via e-mail - where the fear I feel toward Jehovah is almost non-existent, or ignorable. In these moments of the dissipation or ignoral of fear, a space for love to develop is created. It is nurtured by Him I have no doubt; He is moving in my life. He is pushing me toward love. In the ignoral of the fear, and yet the lack of love, the dominant emotion that comes into play is then awe. Awe of God's love, awe of His power, awe of Him. These are almost the closest to love I come. Almost.

The closest would seem to be in prayer when I call out in my need and know I am heard. He may not answer, but that is a matter for later. In the prayer itself it is enough to be heard. The Spirit of God listening is the answer. It is in the experience, the sense, of talking directly with God that I am closest to love because I am in communion with this Being who loves me and is taking the time to listen. It is almost hard not to love then, but only almost. I still barely trust this Being, but I think the trust is growing. It will take me a long time to really get to know Him, if indeed I ever do.