Coincidences

Yesterday on the bus I was listening to the radio on my Walkman when I heard the song, "Right Here Waiting." The chorus goes, "Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you. Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, I will be right here waiting for you." This in the continuing saga of my pull away from X-tianity. I was wondering whether this song would come on. It only took one day after making my decision.

I turned on the radio on my way to the bus this afternoon and it was part of a commercial that greeted my ears - "Are you listening? Do you hear it?" I think this is what it said. Another in the saga, and I am listening if only because I have to. How do you not listen to God? But that doesn't mean that I have to head. I can feel myself turning into a Christo-Pagan, or a Christian, or something. And I don't like it because I don't like Jehovah. So when that God starts poking into my life now, I will just say, "No!"

I guess what worries me is I am one step away from being a Christo-Pagan. I have to make my stand somewhere. Yet, like I thought, it hasn't made the pull do away. Maybe God doesn't have to do anything. Maybe He knows that if He just waits me out, I'll come. Which is why it's all the more important for me to stay right where I am. I hate this powerless feeling of being called and no matter if I put the receiver down or don't answer, the phone just keep ringing.

No! The Christian God is too mean, too vindictive, too horrible. I have to make my stand. Right here. Right now. He is undeserving of my love.

And then I think that there is only one God, so He must be part of the One, and if I love the One, how can I not love Him? Well, the answer is that I can't love any portion of any God that is as mean as Jehovah is throughout the Bible. OT especially, but NT, too.

So right here, right now. He's pulling me; I'm digging my heels in. He's calling me; I'm letting the phone ring. I hate Jehovah. How can He love me?