Wednesday, August 17, 2005

The darkness in my heart

Talked to Veronica yesterday and she mentioned that some sort of implosion happened at EW and they took the forum down. I popped over there today and confirmed that the forum is indeed down right now. They are putting a good face on it, of course, about the mods seeking God on something, but really, it's the same spin they put on things when they kicked me out.

Ok, all fine and dandy...but what does this have to do with me? Well, nothing really. It was just my reaction to the news that horrified me. I should feel sad for them. I should mourn that they can't do ministry right now. But I'm not. I'm almost happy over it, as if they are getting their just desserts for what they did to me, and got me to do to Brian. That's not the way of the cross. That's not the forgiveness that God calls me to give to them. Even if they never know it and it's just in my heart, I must extend that forgiveness to free myself.

I'm sure they will read this and take it as confirmation of how spiritually immature I am, and how mature they are. Perhaps I am. I leave those decisions up to God now. Every time I tried to ask God about the people at EW and what He planned to do, He always guided me back to myself by refusing to answer. Therefore, I take it from Him that we are each to focus on ourselves and leave others to Him.

And that's another thing. I kept asking Him about these people. Over and over. I was frustrated and hurting. Asking what He was going to do was as natural as asking "Why?" when something horrible happens - it's a natural question that you don't even realize you're asking until the words escape your lips. Each time He gave me the same answer, like a freaking broken record, and He quoted Scripture to me, Jesus' words to Peter asking about John (John 21:22) - "What is that to you? Follow thou Me." Eventually I realized that He wasn't going to answer me and I stopped asking. One of these days I'll get this stuff through my thick skull. Thankfully, God is very patient. He never got angry at me for asking; He just repeated the same answer over and over again until I "got it."

At any rate, I came face to face with the darkness in my own soul today so I now see I have something to work on. I think I need to post about this privately at CH Refugee and see what everyone there says about how to overcome this (very wrong) reaction.

6 comments:

erudit said...

The most difficult spiritual struggle is the battle with self. I see this often too. "Be at peace, I have overcome the world"- if that includes my selfishness, it really is something to celebrate.

Peace, sister...

Kathi said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Newbirth said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Kathi said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Newbirth said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Newbirth said...

I've deleted the entire conversation and will remove any further comments Kathi posts. I will not allow her silliness on MY blog. She can lock me out of HER forum, but she will not be posting here any longer.

If anyone ELSE wants to comment, please do. This ban only extends to Kathi and her friends.