Why Bother?

Been trying to reset and reassess my fitness and weight goals (not necessarily in that order). First it was 170, just lose the Zoloft weight. When I saw I could actually do that, I went for 159. Then I reset it again for 150. Then I reset it for 140 (for about 2 days, lol). Today it's 145. I wish I could pick a goal and stick with it!

Today I'm tired and a bit cranky. I did the pedal-type stairmaster for 20 minutes, then swam laps for an hour. Bleh.

I'm so tired I'm trying to remember why I want to lose any more weight. I'm already at the lowest weight of my adult life. So what if I'm still 12 pounds overweight? I'll obviously never lose it. Bleh. Too tired to think rationally.

I can't even remember why I believe in God right now, much less Christianity. Curse City Church! Why did they have to move their services so early? I work second shift. I don't *do* 7 a.m. 7 a.m. is the middle of the night for me. So why do I even think something is even out there? God (ha!) only knows. Surfed Christian Web sites and just found myself thinking, "Why do I believe in Jesus when I have only the Bible to look at? Why believe any of it? How can a rational adult believe an old book?" Like I said, I'm too tired to think rationally. I'm sure it will all look perfectly rational and right tomorrow.

And how can He demand such a high standard from me? Why does He demand it from me, but not anybody else? I just got to thinking about the DNA book my church is doing and thinking, "Ok, God wants me to learn all this, and put it to use, but since the principles only work to heal relationships when BOTH parties are willing to change, how the heck am I supposed to have any decent relationship if I'm expected to act the way the book says when the other people can act any way they want?!? It's an unfair high standard! Why can't I just be a baby Christian again? It's not fair! It's like I have to take all the abuse and God won't let me retaliate. It sucks.

And what kind of Bible verses come to mind or that I find when I'm reading? Bleh. The one about "Vengeance is mine." And in today's reading I came across the the part in 2 Corinthians about forgiving and accepting an erring brother (or sister). Last night I read Job and came across a whole passage where Job wishes he had died while still in the womb. I underlined it because that is so me.

I've been doing A LOT of thinking lately due to the above and also touched off by my upcoming 10th spiritual birthday, now only about 2 weeks off. This is BIG. I'm going into double digits and one whole decade of following Him. I've often felt like I'm not as far along as I should be. It was easy as a baby. I was ignorant and getting used to a new parent. I could act like the infant I was and God was as gentle with me as a baby needs gentleness.

But each year the challenges get harder. Occationally a BIG challenge comes along and God has to help me to just keep my faith and keep walking forward. But it's true that "That which does not kill me makes me stronger." With each close call my faith has grown. First because it forces me to study the facts behind my faith, and second because God can show His power in the face of all other things out there.

And yet today I can't even remember why I believe in Him at all. LOL! What a sorry specimen I am!

I'm just tired. Too tired to care about my weight loss or about God and the wonders He supposedly still does. Just too tired.