Wednesday, November 04, 2009


Binged yet again. It's time to do something drastic and cut back on the carbs and eat more meat. I am so fat right now. It's unreal how much crap I can stuff in my face and how it all turns to fat on my belly and thighs the same day. :-p

I think it might be time to restart Atkins and restart my weekly count. I started Week 1 when I started NutriSystem. I've strayed way off their plan. I try to fill myself with salad, but then I eat too much and start craving protein and fat and end up binging.

Last night, like many times before, I craved peanut butter. It turned into a binge-fest of peanuts butter, peanuts, chocolate, and sugar. :( I can't keep doing this. I keep gaining weight and my skin keeps breaking out. Sugar = pimples, which is why Atkins helped my complexion so much.

I keep craving peanut butter and I'm not sure if it's the fat or protein I crave, or both, or something the peanut butter has that my body needs (Janis knows about my PB addiction).

I asked Janis to tell me what she eats so I can get an idea of what to eat. I've been busy with my food journal today trying to figure out a more Atkins-type diet to eat. Today's plan is a couple of large beef patties with fat-free cheese and ketchup, some salad, and some cottage cheese (another addiction of mine).

I clearly have an unhealthy relationship with food. I don't know when that started, but somewhere in the process of losing weight the healthy way I began to obsess about food and ended up living to eat instead of eating to live. That is where I am now.

I want to be that thin, lithe girl, the one who can fit into skinny jeans, the one others are jealous of. But I keep binging and keep gaining and I am so sick of the whole process. My jeans are tight, my belly distended, and I feel horrible about myself.

I had a 12 hour shift at work yesterday ending at 3 a.m. and I am running on a lack of sleep and a weird sleep cycle today. I'm worn out and grumpy and argued with the people at the burger place when they tried to wrap my plain double burger in the lettuce, tomatoes, etc. I wanted the lettuce on the side and plan on eating the two patties separately, adding my own cheese, and using the lettuce, tomatoes, etc. as a side salad. I have no patience today and snapped at them.

So...I don't know. Maybe I can restart, maybe I will fail. But I have to try or I will just be that fat, unhappy, miserable person who weighed over 200 pounds again. I don't want to go back there. I have worked too hard.

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